Minor Adjustments (1995–1996): Season 1, Episode 14 - Baba-Doo-Wang - full transcript
Hello, is this Beginners Deli?
Yes, this is Dr. Bailey.
You just delivered a turkey sandwich.
There's a small problem.
It smells like death.
Because I used my nose and I smelled it.
No, I'm not trying to make fun of you
because you lost your nose in the war.
I am trying to enlighten you to the miracle of refrigeration.
Yeah, well, thanks-thanks for lunch.
- I gotta get back to work now. - Whoa, whoa, ho-hold on.
As Jerry Seinfeld would say
"Who are these people?"
[laughs]
Yeah, that's a good one.
Just when I think you've run out of impersonations
you somehow have more.
To quote Jimmy Durante, "I got a million of them!"
That's what I'm afraid of.
I need to get back to work now.
Oh, come on.
Don't you want to continue the conversation?
Or as Joan Rivers would put it, "Can we talk?"
Here's a hint.
If you have to tell people who you're impersonating
then you suck at it.
Now, why don't you do your impersonation
of quiet right and disappear off the face of the Earth?
Okay, buh-bye now.
[scatting]
[theme music]
[scatting]
Look, for the last time, I'm not still
in love with my ex-girlfriend.
Oh, yeah? Then why is her name still in your address book?
My chiropractor's name is my address book.
Am I in love with him?
Could be. He's always touching you.
[stammers] That's it.
I-I-I give up. I can't take this anymore.
Wait.
You're saying you can't take me anymore?
No, I didn't say that.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't cry. Don't cry. Look here, look here, look.
L-let me make it up it to you.
I'll take you for a great dinner.
A-a-and Umberto's. We'll go to Umberto's.
Umberto's?
Well, I'm gonna have to try their caviar.
I hear it's the best in the world.
And the most expensive.
Is that a problem.
Not at all.
It's worth it for the happiness you bring me.
Oh!
Oh, Bruce, you are sweet.
I don't know why you put up with me.
Mwah!
I don't know why you put up with me. Mwah!
Brucie, what can you possibly like about her?
She's hot.
You're miserable. Break up with her.
I tried. She makes me feel so guilty.
Come one, you gotta take care of yourself.
You know, you're right?
I-I-I just have to lay it on the line.
This is about Bruce. This is about what I need.
Brucie, it just started pouring.
Can you come out and help me hail a cab?
Sure, let me get my umbrella.
But I'm in a hurry.
Okie-dokie.
What?
Okay, who wants more cookie dough?
I do.
Do you think anyone actually bakes the stuff?
Bake it? Ugh, gross.
Darby, you're not a sitter.
What do you do for fun?
Well, me and my friends usually hang out
in the high school parking lot and reminisce
about stuff we did in high school.
What did you do in high school?
Hung out in the parking lot.
Cool. That's so cool.
[giggles]
(Ron) 'We're back!'
Red alert. Time to take evasive maneuvers.
- Man the carrot sticks. - Aye aye, caption.
Carrot sticks coming up.
- Hey! - Hey, guys.
- How were the kids? - Oh, great, great.
Played for a while, had nutritious dinner.
Right, guys?
(together) Yup.
Boy, these carrot sticks are even better
than the salad Darby made.
And how about that borscht?
Nothing beats beets.
Well, here you go, Darby. Thanks a lot.
Okay, goodnight. Bye, Trev.
So, what did you really ate
frosting or the raw cookie dough?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Check out your crusty knuckles.
Did you at least do your homework?
- Yeah. - Then you better wash up.
- And get ready for bed. - Okay, dad.
Mom, dad, can I ask you about something?
Nah, forget it. You won't understand.
Hey, hey, try us. We might understand.
Yeah, and besides, your dad lives for these moments.
Well, okay.
There's this girl in school and I really like her a lot.
Whenever I see her, I get really nervous and sweaty.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
When I first met your mother
I wanted to tell her she smelled really pretty
but I got so nervous that I ended up forgetting
the end of the sentence
and I wound up blurting out, "You smell."
Well, Trevor, how do you know she doesn't like you too?
I mean, after all, you're such a handsome young man.
Thanks for the compliment
but stuff like that doesn't mean all that much
coming from a guy's mommy.
Well, look, if you want to win a girl's heart
you might try romantic approach.
See, I once met this really cool guy.
He didn't even know I existed.
She forgot to mention that he was also really smart and funny.
Yeah, he was.
Anyway, I didn't know how to get him to notice me.
So I wrote him a love letter and I signed it
"From a secret admirer."
And the letter said that if he
wanted to find out who sent it
he could meet me at the roller rink that Sunday.
Hey, wait a second. This isn't about me.
No, it isn't.
Now be quiet and let me finish.
Anyway, the guy was so flattered
we eventually ended up dating.
That's a great idea.
So was this the guy with the bad skin
who worked at the bowling alley
spraying and disinfecting in the shoes?
Exactly.
Except, change the bad skin
to washboard stomach
and working in the bowling alley
to future congressman from Ohio with his own car.
I thought you liked my moped.
So, will you guys help me write the letter?
No, honey, the things you say should come from your heart.
Okay, then I have a lot to say.
- I'll go get some paper.. - Okay.
- Ha-ha-ha! - Emma, what are you doing?
Okay, okay, I admit it.
We ate the whole cube of cookie dough.
Mom, please make it stop!
Okay. Okay.
So, Dr. Love
how was dinner with Amy last night?
Fine.
Until I said I thought
our relationship would be better
if she wasn't the jealous type.
That's when she started crying again.
Listen, no matter how embarrassing it is
you just have to let her cry.
Oh, you don't understand.
The woman cries like an air raid siren.
Some poor old guy started running for the basement.
No, no, no, I-I had to calm her down.
What do you say to her?
Well, I was soothing and comforting.
And when that didn't work, I bought her a Lexus.
Oh!
Okay, okay, I didn't buy it.
I leased it.
Let me see if I got this straight.
You're unhappy, you try and break up with her
she gets hurt, you feel guilty
you get back together with her, you're unhappy.
Is that about it?
Yep. I'm a big old wussy.
Bruce, you cannot keep folding. You have to be strong.
- Strong? - No. Hm, strong!
See, the next time that she gets angry
you take a deep breath
and you forget about not wanting to be the bad guy
and you do exactly what you know is right.
Hm, strong!
Th-that's good. Can-can I try that?
Yeah, sure.
- Hm, strong. - No. Hm, strong!
- Hmm, strong! - That's it.
Hey, um, Darby?
You know how I like my coffee?
Hm, strong!
What's this? It's addressed to me.
Oh, yeah, it was on your desk after I came back from lunch.
Oh, my God. It's a love letter from a secret admirer.
And look, it's a little bag of gummy worm.
"My flower petal, I have admired you from afar
"but until now I was too afraid to tell you.
"If you would like to meet the man of your dreams
"be at Uncle Slappy's Pizzeria and Family Amusement Center
at four o'clock, this afternoon."
Signed, "Your secret admirer."
Oh, PS, "You'll find me at the private table
overlooking the putt-putt golf course."
[laughs]
Well, that's great. You have a secret admirer.
He sounds adorable.
- Yeah, he also sounds cheap. - Are you kidding?
He reserved the private table overlooking the putt-putt.
I hope he doesn't expect something in return.
Better not order the big Coke.
Darby, it's almost four o'clock, you better get going.
I know, I know, I know. Okay.
How do I look?
You'll be the prettiest girl in the moonwalk.
Thanks.
- Hey! - Hey.
- Hey, Francine. - Hi, guys.
How was the play at Emma's preschool?
Emma was just about to kiss Prince Charming
when he announced he had to make number one.
Oh.
So where was Darby running off to?
Uh, you are not gonna believe this.
Darby has a secret admirer.
(together) Uh-oh.
- Could be worse. - How?
Could have been my fault.
Argh!
I'm really not in the mood to be entertained.
See, I'm waiting for someone special.
Hah!
Hey, Captain Hook, walk the plank.
Argh!
[sobbing]
No, no, no. Okay, sorry.
That was the first time
I've ever had my car valet parked by an orangutan.
There he is!
Oh, he's so cute!
Are you crying?
Look how precious he is.
We don't have time for this.
Go check out that entrance and try to stop Darby
before Trevor sees her.
Go.
Hi!
Listen, I'm looking for someone and I don't want to be seen
so I don't want to attract too much attention.
[keytar music]
Thank you so much.
- Oh, Darby. - Oh, my God. Dr. Aimes?
You're my secret admirer?
I'm flattered, but what about your wife?
[keytar music]
No, Darby, you don't understand. We've been trying..
Oh, my God, Rachel. It's not what you think.
[keytar music]
Darby, I'm glad we found you.
Wait a minute. You knew I was here.
Okay, hold on. This is just way too kinky for me. He-he!
I-I-I think we should forget this ever happened.
We can part as friends.
[keytar music]
Will you get the hell out of here?
No, Darby, neither one of us is your secret admirer
it's Trevor.
Oh, he's so cute.
I know!
But look how nervous he is.
It's so important to him.
And he went to all that trouble.
Yeah, you're right.
He does deserve as date.
I'll let him down easy.
Uh, Darby.
You might want a button one more button.
Oh.
Okay, we don't want Trevor to see us.
Let's go get our car back from the orangutan valet.
We don't have valet parking here.
Hi, secret admirer.
Darby!
Are you surprised?
Yeah.
Are you disappointed?
No way.
Here, let me get the chair for you.
Oh, thank you.
[chuckles]
Did I do that wrong?
No. You did it just right.
Sorry, I couldn't get the table overlooking a putt-putt
but with these places, until you know.
(Darby) Yeah.
So, um, what kind of pizza should we get?
I suggest we go to off the menu.
We ask the chef and make us a specialty
pepperoni and mushroom.
I'm told it's excellent.
That sounds great.
[laughs]
[giggles]
Don't you just, um, hate first dates?
Well, Trevor, this-this isn't really a first date.
It-it's more of a very special friendship.
You're right, friendship.
And that's a good place to start.
Now, on with the fun.
Okay, captain, hit it.
Oh! Ha-ha-ha!
So, aren't those leather seats great?
Oh. Yeah, I guess they're okay.
What? Wh-what's wrong with the car?
Oh, I don't know. It's just a little stodgy for me.
I'd rather have something sportier
like a Porsche.
[chuckles]
Y-you know, Amy, I think you're being just
a little ungrateful here.
I mean, I'm not sure this is all worth it anymore
even if you are great looking.
So you're saying all I am to you is a trophy?
Wait a minute, all this time, my mind, my career
my personality have meant nothing to you?
No, I-I wouldn't say that.
This is all been a fake.
A lie.
You're nothing but a big fat liar--
No, no, no, Amy, I-I didn't mean..
I-I was wrong, okay?
Amy, enough of this.
We have to talk in my office now!
Hm!
Oh, Ron, uh, I'm on a break.
So, uh, tell me again what Trevor was wearing yesterday?
- Francine! - Please.
A little suit and tie, and he was holding a red rose.
Oh, he's--
- I know, so sweet. - Good morning.
Oh, Darby, uh, how was your date yesterday?
Oh, Trevor was such a little gentleman.
We ate pizza and then I watched him bounce
in the moonwalk.
I-I would have joined him
but I was 14 inches too tall.
Sounds like Trevor's quite the little romantic.
It was the best date I've had in years.
I have never been treated that nicely before.
Ron, he is gonna make someone a great boyfriend
when he gets older.
Thanks to someone.
He already thinks he is a great boyfriend.
Darby, don't you see a problem here?
No, why?
I'm totally cool with the whole race thing.
You said you were gonna let him down easy.
What happened? What did you say?
Well, I was subtle.
Maybe too subtle but..
...I just wanted him to have his date.
And I didn't want to have to break his little heart.
Well, now what do you do?
Well, I'll just have to explain things to Trevor
and then be there to pick up the pieces.
[sighs]
Well, I'll pack my stuff.
Is tomorrow okay?
I think it's best.
Bruce, I know that was tough.
But see now you're free.
I mean, she is out of your life forever.
No, not exactly.
She's moving in.
Hm! Wussy.
[scatting]
And after that, I impressed her
by getting a high school video combat.
And I used 15 quarters.
Wow!
Are you gonna marry Darby?
I can't say for sure.
But it's looking good.
Where are you gonna have your honeymoon?
I don't know, either Tahiti
or maybe just hang out with the friends
in the high school parking lot.
Cool.
No, it's not gonna be easy.
We're just gonna have to explain it to him.
Yeah, you're right. I just hope he understands.
Breakups are tough.
Yeah, you should know.
Didn't Mr. Washboard congressman dump you?
No, I dumped him
because I met the most wonderful psychology student.
Really?
And do I know this wonderful guy?
Yeah, I think it was in your abnormal psych class
Billy Morgan.
What?
Billy Morgan?
Oh, he was cool.
Ron, I'm kidding.
- It was you. - Really?
Sure if you like.
Hey, sports, you got a minute?
I'm just starting a poem. Listen.
"My dearest Darby
you're more lovely than a shrimp on the Barbie."
Actually, it's Darby we wanted to talk to you about.
Isn't she great?
All the girls of my age, they've got nothing to say.
But Darby, she's deep.
Yeah, sure she's way deep.
But when you really think about her
aren't there a number of problems you two might face?
Oh, I see what you're saying.
But I'm totally cool with the race thing.
No, Trevor, we're talking about the age thing.
Darby's ten years older than you are.
But, mom, you told me that in college
you dated a professor who was that much older than you?
What? Do I know you?
Hi, I'm Ron, I live here and you are?
Ron, we only went out for coffee a couple of times.
I think I'm mature enough to handle this relationship.
I know it's gonna be tough but your little boy's growing up.
Okay. I, I just gotta be honest with you.
I'll get that.
Okay, Trevor, look, I'm just gonna lay it on the line.
Hi, Darby.
Hi, is my boyfriend Trevor here?
Darby, what are you doing?
Just making things right.
I may have to be a little rough on him
but just let me work my magic.
Oh, there you are.
Look what I got for us to watch.
- "Gone With The Wind?" - Hm.
Hey, this like 24 hours long.
it doesn't have any karate in it.
So, what are you saying? You don't want to watch this?
Honey, I thought we decided to spend the evening together.
We don't want to be in the middle of your first fight
so we'll just be leaving.
Uh, Darby
I was supposed to go play video games at Duncan's house.
What are you saying?
That you'd rather hang out
with your friends than spend time with me?
Oh.
Well, I suppose I could watch the movie with you
and hang out with Duncan this weekend.
Oh, no, no, no, you can't. Your weekend's booked.
First, we're getting our haircut together.
Then we're going shopping.
I'm gonna need you to hold my purse
while I'm in the dressing room.
Stand outside the dressing room?
I just got passed the age where I didn't have
to go there with my mom.
Look, Trev, this is what couples do
and we are a couple.
Oh, before the movie starts, be a honey
and give me something cold to drink.
Yes, dear.
Goodbye, Ashley.
Uh, Uncle Bruce, that was Amy calling
from the phone you bought her in the car you bought her?
She said she'll be here in a few minutes.
So, what do you think of my bow tie? Amy picked it out.
She thinks it makes me look distinguished.
I think it makes me look like Richie Rich.
Cohabitating not working out, huh?
No, no, s-s-she's taken over.
She's ordered completely new furniture.
She's put a sickly cute message on the answering machine
then she wanted to swap sides of the bed.
I just lay there at night awake, seething
'cause she's on my damn side.
Well, Brucie, if you've just been honest with her--
Oh, please, that ship's already sailed.
I'm stuck with her.
- You okay, sport? - I can handle it, dad.
Darby, do you have a minute?
Sure, what up, boyfriend?
Here's the deal.
It's not gonna work between us.
I'm just not ready for all the stuff that you want.
Trevor?
If you have to cry, cry
but the longer we let this go on
the harder it's gonna be later.
So I think that we should just part as friends.
Well, when you put it like that, you're right.
- Friends? - Good.
Oh, my God. That was amazing.
You're a giant.
It is so simple, even a child could do it.
A child did do it.
Brucie, I'm running late. You ready to go.
Amy, won't you..
Hold up there a second.
- Uh, sit down. - What?
We-we-we need to talk.
Okay.
Uh...here's the deal.
It's not gonna work out between us.
I'm just not ready for all the stuff you want.
Bruce.
- Look if.. - If you have to cry--
If you have to cry, cry.
[sobbing]
No, no, no, no. See..
No, no, no, no, don't cry. Don't cry, look..
The longer this goes on
the harder it's gonna be for both of us later.
But, Bruce, after all this time how can you break up with me?
Um, okay.
Here's the deal, Amy.
It's not gonna work out between us.
I'm not ready for all the stuff that you want.
I understand.
I'll be out of your place by the time you get home tonight.
Can I help you with your stuff?
No. That's okay.
I'm sure it'll all fit in my new car.
Ooh!
Guys, I'm proud of you both.
I know that was tough, but believe me
there'll be plenty of others.
So, Dr. Hampton, it's one bachelor to another
you want to go get a root beer?
Sure.
Are you buying? I'm broke.
Okay.
And don't lose hope.
All relationships aren't like this.
My friends Bill and Suzie
have been happy for almost the whole semester.
[chuckles]
I'm sorry, it didn't work out with Darby.
You're gonna be okay?
Sure, dad.
Beside, I'll always have my memories.
[sighs]
[camera shutter clicking]
[instrumental music]
[scatting]
[theme music]
Yes, this is Dr. Bailey.
You just delivered a turkey sandwich.
There's a small problem.
It smells like death.
Because I used my nose and I smelled it.
No, I'm not trying to make fun of you
because you lost your nose in the war.
I am trying to enlighten you to the miracle of refrigeration.
Yeah, well, thanks-thanks for lunch.
- I gotta get back to work now. - Whoa, whoa, ho-hold on.
As Jerry Seinfeld would say
"Who are these people?"
[laughs]
Yeah, that's a good one.
Just when I think you've run out of impersonations
you somehow have more.
To quote Jimmy Durante, "I got a million of them!"
That's what I'm afraid of.
I need to get back to work now.
Oh, come on.
Don't you want to continue the conversation?
Or as Joan Rivers would put it, "Can we talk?"
Here's a hint.
If you have to tell people who you're impersonating
then you suck at it.
Now, why don't you do your impersonation
of quiet right and disappear off the face of the Earth?
Okay, buh-bye now.
[scatting]
[theme music]
[scatting]
Look, for the last time, I'm not still
in love with my ex-girlfriend.
Oh, yeah? Then why is her name still in your address book?
My chiropractor's name is my address book.
Am I in love with him?
Could be. He's always touching you.
[stammers] That's it.
I-I-I give up. I can't take this anymore.
Wait.
You're saying you can't take me anymore?
No, I didn't say that.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't cry. Don't cry. Look here, look here, look.
L-let me make it up it to you.
I'll take you for a great dinner.
A-a-and Umberto's. We'll go to Umberto's.
Umberto's?
Well, I'm gonna have to try their caviar.
I hear it's the best in the world.
And the most expensive.
Is that a problem.
Not at all.
It's worth it for the happiness you bring me.
Oh!
Oh, Bruce, you are sweet.
I don't know why you put up with me.
Mwah!
I don't know why you put up with me. Mwah!
Brucie, what can you possibly like about her?
She's hot.
You're miserable. Break up with her.
I tried. She makes me feel so guilty.
Come one, you gotta take care of yourself.
You know, you're right?
I-I-I just have to lay it on the line.
This is about Bruce. This is about what I need.
Brucie, it just started pouring.
Can you come out and help me hail a cab?
Sure, let me get my umbrella.
But I'm in a hurry.
Okie-dokie.
What?
Okay, who wants more cookie dough?
I do.
Do you think anyone actually bakes the stuff?
Bake it? Ugh, gross.
Darby, you're not a sitter.
What do you do for fun?
Well, me and my friends usually hang out
in the high school parking lot and reminisce
about stuff we did in high school.
What did you do in high school?
Hung out in the parking lot.
Cool. That's so cool.
[giggles]
(Ron) 'We're back!'
Red alert. Time to take evasive maneuvers.
- Man the carrot sticks. - Aye aye, caption.
Carrot sticks coming up.
- Hey! - Hey, guys.
- How were the kids? - Oh, great, great.
Played for a while, had nutritious dinner.
Right, guys?
(together) Yup.
Boy, these carrot sticks are even better
than the salad Darby made.
And how about that borscht?
Nothing beats beets.
Well, here you go, Darby. Thanks a lot.
Okay, goodnight. Bye, Trev.
So, what did you really ate
frosting or the raw cookie dough?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Check out your crusty knuckles.
Did you at least do your homework?
- Yeah. - Then you better wash up.
- And get ready for bed. - Okay, dad.
Mom, dad, can I ask you about something?
Nah, forget it. You won't understand.
Hey, hey, try us. We might understand.
Yeah, and besides, your dad lives for these moments.
Well, okay.
There's this girl in school and I really like her a lot.
Whenever I see her, I get really nervous and sweaty.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
When I first met your mother
I wanted to tell her she smelled really pretty
but I got so nervous that I ended up forgetting
the end of the sentence
and I wound up blurting out, "You smell."
Well, Trevor, how do you know she doesn't like you too?
I mean, after all, you're such a handsome young man.
Thanks for the compliment
but stuff like that doesn't mean all that much
coming from a guy's mommy.
Well, look, if you want to win a girl's heart
you might try romantic approach.
See, I once met this really cool guy.
He didn't even know I existed.
She forgot to mention that he was also really smart and funny.
Yeah, he was.
Anyway, I didn't know how to get him to notice me.
So I wrote him a love letter and I signed it
"From a secret admirer."
And the letter said that if he
wanted to find out who sent it
he could meet me at the roller rink that Sunday.
Hey, wait a second. This isn't about me.
No, it isn't.
Now be quiet and let me finish.
Anyway, the guy was so flattered
we eventually ended up dating.
That's a great idea.
So was this the guy with the bad skin
who worked at the bowling alley
spraying and disinfecting in the shoes?
Exactly.
Except, change the bad skin
to washboard stomach
and working in the bowling alley
to future congressman from Ohio with his own car.
I thought you liked my moped.
So, will you guys help me write the letter?
No, honey, the things you say should come from your heart.
Okay, then I have a lot to say.
- I'll go get some paper.. - Okay.
- Ha-ha-ha! - Emma, what are you doing?
Okay, okay, I admit it.
We ate the whole cube of cookie dough.
Mom, please make it stop!
Okay. Okay.
So, Dr. Love
how was dinner with Amy last night?
Fine.
Until I said I thought
our relationship would be better
if she wasn't the jealous type.
That's when she started crying again.
Listen, no matter how embarrassing it is
you just have to let her cry.
Oh, you don't understand.
The woman cries like an air raid siren.
Some poor old guy started running for the basement.
No, no, no, I-I had to calm her down.
What do you say to her?
Well, I was soothing and comforting.
And when that didn't work, I bought her a Lexus.
Oh!
Okay, okay, I didn't buy it.
I leased it.
Let me see if I got this straight.
You're unhappy, you try and break up with her
she gets hurt, you feel guilty
you get back together with her, you're unhappy.
Is that about it?
Yep. I'm a big old wussy.
Bruce, you cannot keep folding. You have to be strong.
- Strong? - No. Hm, strong!
See, the next time that she gets angry
you take a deep breath
and you forget about not wanting to be the bad guy
and you do exactly what you know is right.
Hm, strong!
Th-that's good. Can-can I try that?
Yeah, sure.
- Hm, strong. - No. Hm, strong!
- Hmm, strong! - That's it.
Hey, um, Darby?
You know how I like my coffee?
Hm, strong!
What's this? It's addressed to me.
Oh, yeah, it was on your desk after I came back from lunch.
Oh, my God. It's a love letter from a secret admirer.
And look, it's a little bag of gummy worm.
"My flower petal, I have admired you from afar
"but until now I was too afraid to tell you.
"If you would like to meet the man of your dreams
"be at Uncle Slappy's Pizzeria and Family Amusement Center
at four o'clock, this afternoon."
Signed, "Your secret admirer."
Oh, PS, "You'll find me at the private table
overlooking the putt-putt golf course."
[laughs]
Well, that's great. You have a secret admirer.
He sounds adorable.
- Yeah, he also sounds cheap. - Are you kidding?
He reserved the private table overlooking the putt-putt.
I hope he doesn't expect something in return.
Better not order the big Coke.
Darby, it's almost four o'clock, you better get going.
I know, I know, I know. Okay.
How do I look?
You'll be the prettiest girl in the moonwalk.
Thanks.
- Hey! - Hey.
- Hey, Francine. - Hi, guys.
How was the play at Emma's preschool?
Emma was just about to kiss Prince Charming
when he announced he had to make number one.
Oh.
So where was Darby running off to?
Uh, you are not gonna believe this.
Darby has a secret admirer.
(together) Uh-oh.
- Could be worse. - How?
Could have been my fault.
Argh!
I'm really not in the mood to be entertained.
See, I'm waiting for someone special.
Hah!
Hey, Captain Hook, walk the plank.
Argh!
[sobbing]
No, no, no. Okay, sorry.
That was the first time
I've ever had my car valet parked by an orangutan.
There he is!
Oh, he's so cute!
Are you crying?
Look how precious he is.
We don't have time for this.
Go check out that entrance and try to stop Darby
before Trevor sees her.
Go.
Hi!
Listen, I'm looking for someone and I don't want to be seen
so I don't want to attract too much attention.
[keytar music]
Thank you so much.
- Oh, Darby. - Oh, my God. Dr. Aimes?
You're my secret admirer?
I'm flattered, but what about your wife?
[keytar music]
No, Darby, you don't understand. We've been trying..
Oh, my God, Rachel. It's not what you think.
[keytar music]
Darby, I'm glad we found you.
Wait a minute. You knew I was here.
Okay, hold on. This is just way too kinky for me. He-he!
I-I-I think we should forget this ever happened.
We can part as friends.
[keytar music]
Will you get the hell out of here?
No, Darby, neither one of us is your secret admirer
it's Trevor.
Oh, he's so cute.
I know!
But look how nervous he is.
It's so important to him.
And he went to all that trouble.
Yeah, you're right.
He does deserve as date.
I'll let him down easy.
Uh, Darby.
You might want a button one more button.
Oh.
Okay, we don't want Trevor to see us.
Let's go get our car back from the orangutan valet.
We don't have valet parking here.
Hi, secret admirer.
Darby!
Are you surprised?
Yeah.
Are you disappointed?
No way.
Here, let me get the chair for you.
Oh, thank you.
[chuckles]
Did I do that wrong?
No. You did it just right.
Sorry, I couldn't get the table overlooking a putt-putt
but with these places, until you know.
(Darby) Yeah.
So, um, what kind of pizza should we get?
I suggest we go to off the menu.
We ask the chef and make us a specialty
pepperoni and mushroom.
I'm told it's excellent.
That sounds great.
[laughs]
[giggles]
Don't you just, um, hate first dates?
Well, Trevor, this-this isn't really a first date.
It-it's more of a very special friendship.
You're right, friendship.
And that's a good place to start.
Now, on with the fun.
Okay, captain, hit it.
Oh! Ha-ha-ha!
So, aren't those leather seats great?
Oh. Yeah, I guess they're okay.
What? Wh-what's wrong with the car?
Oh, I don't know. It's just a little stodgy for me.
I'd rather have something sportier
like a Porsche.
[chuckles]
Y-you know, Amy, I think you're being just
a little ungrateful here.
I mean, I'm not sure this is all worth it anymore
even if you are great looking.
So you're saying all I am to you is a trophy?
Wait a minute, all this time, my mind, my career
my personality have meant nothing to you?
No, I-I wouldn't say that.
This is all been a fake.
A lie.
You're nothing but a big fat liar--
No, no, no, Amy, I-I didn't mean..
I-I was wrong, okay?
Amy, enough of this.
We have to talk in my office now!
Hm!
Oh, Ron, uh, I'm on a break.
So, uh, tell me again what Trevor was wearing yesterday?
- Francine! - Please.
A little suit and tie, and he was holding a red rose.
Oh, he's--
- I know, so sweet. - Good morning.
Oh, Darby, uh, how was your date yesterday?
Oh, Trevor was such a little gentleman.
We ate pizza and then I watched him bounce
in the moonwalk.
I-I would have joined him
but I was 14 inches too tall.
Sounds like Trevor's quite the little romantic.
It was the best date I've had in years.
I have never been treated that nicely before.
Ron, he is gonna make someone a great boyfriend
when he gets older.
Thanks to someone.
He already thinks he is a great boyfriend.
Darby, don't you see a problem here?
No, why?
I'm totally cool with the whole race thing.
You said you were gonna let him down easy.
What happened? What did you say?
Well, I was subtle.
Maybe too subtle but..
...I just wanted him to have his date.
And I didn't want to have to break his little heart.
Well, now what do you do?
Well, I'll just have to explain things to Trevor
and then be there to pick up the pieces.
[sighs]
Well, I'll pack my stuff.
Is tomorrow okay?
I think it's best.
Bruce, I know that was tough.
But see now you're free.
I mean, she is out of your life forever.
No, not exactly.
She's moving in.
Hm! Wussy.
[scatting]
And after that, I impressed her
by getting a high school video combat.
And I used 15 quarters.
Wow!
Are you gonna marry Darby?
I can't say for sure.
But it's looking good.
Where are you gonna have your honeymoon?
I don't know, either Tahiti
or maybe just hang out with the friends
in the high school parking lot.
Cool.
No, it's not gonna be easy.
We're just gonna have to explain it to him.
Yeah, you're right. I just hope he understands.
Breakups are tough.
Yeah, you should know.
Didn't Mr. Washboard congressman dump you?
No, I dumped him
because I met the most wonderful psychology student.
Really?
And do I know this wonderful guy?
Yeah, I think it was in your abnormal psych class
Billy Morgan.
What?
Billy Morgan?
Oh, he was cool.
Ron, I'm kidding.
- It was you. - Really?
Sure if you like.
Hey, sports, you got a minute?
I'm just starting a poem. Listen.
"My dearest Darby
you're more lovely than a shrimp on the Barbie."
Actually, it's Darby we wanted to talk to you about.
Isn't she great?
All the girls of my age, they've got nothing to say.
But Darby, she's deep.
Yeah, sure she's way deep.
But when you really think about her
aren't there a number of problems you two might face?
Oh, I see what you're saying.
But I'm totally cool with the race thing.
No, Trevor, we're talking about the age thing.
Darby's ten years older than you are.
But, mom, you told me that in college
you dated a professor who was that much older than you?
What? Do I know you?
Hi, I'm Ron, I live here and you are?
Ron, we only went out for coffee a couple of times.
I think I'm mature enough to handle this relationship.
I know it's gonna be tough but your little boy's growing up.
Okay. I, I just gotta be honest with you.
I'll get that.
Okay, Trevor, look, I'm just gonna lay it on the line.
Hi, Darby.
Hi, is my boyfriend Trevor here?
Darby, what are you doing?
Just making things right.
I may have to be a little rough on him
but just let me work my magic.
Oh, there you are.
Look what I got for us to watch.
- "Gone With The Wind?" - Hm.
Hey, this like 24 hours long.
it doesn't have any karate in it.
So, what are you saying? You don't want to watch this?
Honey, I thought we decided to spend the evening together.
We don't want to be in the middle of your first fight
so we'll just be leaving.
Uh, Darby
I was supposed to go play video games at Duncan's house.
What are you saying?
That you'd rather hang out
with your friends than spend time with me?
Oh.
Well, I suppose I could watch the movie with you
and hang out with Duncan this weekend.
Oh, no, no, no, you can't. Your weekend's booked.
First, we're getting our haircut together.
Then we're going shopping.
I'm gonna need you to hold my purse
while I'm in the dressing room.
Stand outside the dressing room?
I just got passed the age where I didn't have
to go there with my mom.
Look, Trev, this is what couples do
and we are a couple.
Oh, before the movie starts, be a honey
and give me something cold to drink.
Yes, dear.
Goodbye, Ashley.
Uh, Uncle Bruce, that was Amy calling
from the phone you bought her in the car you bought her?
She said she'll be here in a few minutes.
So, what do you think of my bow tie? Amy picked it out.
She thinks it makes me look distinguished.
I think it makes me look like Richie Rich.
Cohabitating not working out, huh?
No, no, s-s-she's taken over.
She's ordered completely new furniture.
She's put a sickly cute message on the answering machine
then she wanted to swap sides of the bed.
I just lay there at night awake, seething
'cause she's on my damn side.
Well, Brucie, if you've just been honest with her--
Oh, please, that ship's already sailed.
I'm stuck with her.
- You okay, sport? - I can handle it, dad.
Darby, do you have a minute?
Sure, what up, boyfriend?
Here's the deal.
It's not gonna work between us.
I'm just not ready for all the stuff that you want.
Trevor?
If you have to cry, cry
but the longer we let this go on
the harder it's gonna be later.
So I think that we should just part as friends.
Well, when you put it like that, you're right.
- Friends? - Good.
Oh, my God. That was amazing.
You're a giant.
It is so simple, even a child could do it.
A child did do it.
Brucie, I'm running late. You ready to go.
Amy, won't you..
Hold up there a second.
- Uh, sit down. - What?
We-we-we need to talk.
Okay.
Uh...here's the deal.
It's not gonna work out between us.
I'm just not ready for all the stuff you want.
Bruce.
- Look if.. - If you have to cry--
If you have to cry, cry.
[sobbing]
No, no, no, no. See..
No, no, no, no, don't cry. Don't cry, look..
The longer this goes on
the harder it's gonna be for both of us later.
But, Bruce, after all this time how can you break up with me?
Um, okay.
Here's the deal, Amy.
It's not gonna work out between us.
I'm not ready for all the stuff that you want.
I understand.
I'll be out of your place by the time you get home tonight.
Can I help you with your stuff?
No. That's okay.
I'm sure it'll all fit in my new car.
Ooh!
Guys, I'm proud of you both.
I know that was tough, but believe me
there'll be plenty of others.
So, Dr. Hampton, it's one bachelor to another
you want to go get a root beer?
Sure.
Are you buying? I'm broke.
Okay.
And don't lose hope.
All relationships aren't like this.
My friends Bill and Suzie
have been happy for almost the whole semester.
[chuckles]
I'm sorry, it didn't work out with Darby.
You're gonna be okay?
Sure, dad.
Beside, I'll always have my memories.
[sighs]
[camera shutter clicking]
[instrumental music]
[scatting]
[theme music]