Minor Adjustments (1995–1996): Season 1, Episode 15 - The Way We Weren't - full transcript
A 'D' on your math test?
You get A's in everything else.
Okay, you're disappointed. But it's not my fault.
If you were having trouble in math
you should've come to me.
Mom, please don't take this the wrong way
but I rather jump into a pit of wild dogs
with the steak tied to my face.
Now how could I take that the wrong way?
Dad, you know how she gets.
- What? How do I get? - Oh, no, I'm not going there.
Ah, what? No, no, go on. I can take it.
How do I get?
Um, "Trevor baby, I'm not gonna give you the answer.
"You know this. Think. You know this.
You know this. I know you know this."
Okay, that was a good impression, baby.
I'll just be getting up so you can try out your new bed, okay?
Why didn't you just ask me for help?
Well, whenever you help me, you end up telling me
some long boring story.
Colorful but boring.
That's not me.
Now, your grandfather, there was a talker.
I once went to him and I said
"Ah, dad, how come I gotta clean up my room?
And he said, "Son, tending to your room is like tending to.."
Ah, that's okay. Emma likes my stories, don't you, Emma?
- Honey? Honey? - What?
I'm just telling a story about my dad.
[scatting]
[scatting]
[growls]
Shouldn't you be on your way to the airport?
Yes, but as usual Bruce is late.
Why are you traveling with him?
Everything he does irritates you.
Well, we got free tickets
Do you have any idea how much an airline ticket to LA costs?
Wow, did he get those from that
stewardess he was going out with?
Yeah, she gave them to him when he promised to stop calling her.
Hmm.
And action! Huh? Huh?
What do you think?
I'm telling you, this is the power suit of the 90s.
All the major players in Hollywood are dressing down now.
Brucy Willis, Kevie Costner, Bobby DeNiro--
Johnny Knotts.
Go ahead. Go ahead. Laugh it up.
Joke if you want. I'm bringing my screenplay just in case.
In case what? You have to swat flies?
Bruce, nobody wants to see a movie
about an exorcist who saves a fertility clinic.
Really?
You wouldn't pay to see Deviled Eggs?
Bruce, it doesn't matter. You're not gonna have any time.
- Have you seen the schedule? - Yes.
I even highlighted the stuff I'm gonna do.
Let me see.
These are all parties and receptions.
- Uh-huh. - Oh, except for that one.
- Which one? Huh. - Right there.
How stupid of me to assume that you'd actually go
to a medical convention to learn about medicine.
I for one cannot wait to hear
Hoffman's lecture on pain management.
It's suppose to be the highlight of the whole..
You know, you are really beautiful.
Bruce, don't.
Everybody in LA talks like that.
Love you, baby.
Alright, let's run. Darbs, peace.
- Ronnie. - Love you, babe.
Back at ya.
[scatting]
So, did you find out what happened to my reservation?
- Yup. - Halleluiah.
- Where's my room? - There's no room.
- What happened? - Darby happened.
[sighs] Enough said.
I gotta find another hotel.
There's bound to be a vacancy somewhere.
Ah, not in Azusa.
Every is booked because of the convention.
Well, then I'll get a room in LA.
The brochure says we're only minutes away.
Yeah, if you're strapped to the nose of a scud missile.
Look, um, why don't you just stay here?
We can't share this room.
There's only one bed. What would my parents say?
Would you unclench for about five seconds please?
Boy, I bet you were a breeze to potty train.
You know, I was gonna offer you
that little soap and the shower cap
but you can forget about that now, missy!
Look at us.
How can we possibly share a room?
- All we do is fight. - You're right. You're right.
So, so let's not fight, okay?
Let's-let's call a truce.
[sighs] Well, I guess, we don't have a choice.
That's the spirit.
Look, I-I'll call downstairs, I'll have 'em send up a cot
and, uh, we'll take turns sleeping in the bed.
Alright. Okay. Thank you, Bruce.
No problem.
But, um, if I meet a sexy doctor
who doesn't have a room of her own
I might ask you to take a little walkie.
Sure. I'll just go to the ice machine and back.
Better take small steps. She may demand foreplay.
Oh.
- I'll see you later. - Where are you going?
Oh, the, uh, gastroenterologist are having
a little chili cook off.
Hey, sexy doctor.
Better find an ice machine, STAT.
- Hi, honey. - Hey.
Everybody, this is Bernard Middlebrook.
Bam for short.
Trevor, he's your new math tutor.
Can I call you Bam-Bam?
No, but you can call me Bam.
Well, what if I have to call you twice?
Just say Bam. Yo, Bam.
Bam's one of the students at the school where I volunteer.
He gets good grades in math so I hired him to tutor Trevor.
Mm. Hey, Bam. I'm Rachel Aimes.
Oh, you doc's old lady.
Dang, doc, she kind phat.
- Excuse me. - Ah, that's P-H-A-T, Rach.
- I-it's a good thing. - Yeah, mom.
Like in olden days when they used to say
a lady was a brick wall.
That's brick house, Trevor.
And I know what phat is. Okay?
Now go into the kitchen and wait for Bam.
He'll be there shortly.
Ah, Bam, as much as I appreciate being Dr. Aimes' phat old lady
would you mind, uh, keeping comments like that to yourself
while you're here.
I'm just trying to say you look good.
I ain't trying to get with you or nothin'.
Ah, Mrs. Aimes knows that, Bam.
She's just not trying to hear that noise
up in her cri-zzib, that's all.
So, we hear, right?
Thank you for laying that science on me, doc.
Okay, there's, uh, plenty to eat and drink in there
if you need anything else while you're working just let us know.
- See, this means-- - Oh, Ron!
I know what this means, okay?
I'm just not sure if I'm comfortable
with this kid spending time with Trevor.
- He's kind of rough. - I know, honey.
But he's very bright and he's motivated.
Most of the kids from his school
have already given up on themselves.
Alright, let's do problem number four, man.
Do you know anybody named Snoop?
Hey, man, will you kill that noise?
Okay, one more question.
What's it like living in the hood?
Rough.
Man, last night, I'm walking home
I realize I'm in the wrong territory
I'm about to turn around, boom, these fools rolled up on me.
- What happened? - They their piece
And they said "Yo, G..
...you know how to draw a isosceles triangle?"
So I carry my own piece with me now.
Problem number four, G.
[scatting]
I thought you had a date.
Why would you think that?
Haven't had a date since we got here.
Well, I saw you with that little homely woman.
She dumped me when she found out I was a dentist.
I'm telling you, if you're not an MD here, you're a nobody.
So, what've you been doing all this time?
Oh, you know, I've been keeping myself busy
moping, pouting, practicing my high desert crane.
[imitating a crane screech]
Oh, here.
I taped Dr. Trachtenberg's lecture for you.
I know you were busy on the health care panel
with the fun bunch.
You sat through two hours for me?
- That was very sweet of you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[knock on door]
Franny, change of plans, Herb rented a car
we are going up to Planet Hollywood.
- Oh! - 'Really?'
A friend of mine once had Demi Moore
sigh his doggie bag there.
Oh, great. Bruce, get dressed. Let's go.
Oh, we don't have room for him in the car.
Oh. Well, then I guess I won't go.
Can I take her place?
What-what am I saying? Ah, forget it.
I-I'm not gonna go with you. You better just go without us.
- Yeah, go without us. - Yeah.
- I'll see you tomorrow. - Okay.
[sighs]
So, did you say you weren't going
because you felt sorry for me?
- Yes. - Would it've killed you to lie?
A little lie might have made me feel bett..
'What-what-what are you doing?'
What-what are you gonna do?
Pull a, pull a rabbit out of the other sleeve?
I'm sorry. I've been dying to get out of that all day.
Oh, I feel so good.
- Nice bra. - 'What?'
Ah, your bra, it's, uh, it's-it's very nice
very feminine.
Ah, you know I wanted the big cast iron one
but some Viking chick got the last one.
I, I just don't associate you with..
- 'Breasts?' - No.
Frilly under-things.
- 'Bruce.' - Yeah.
(Francine) 'You see my slippers over there, on the floor.'
Yeah.
(Francine) 'Shove 'em in your mouth would you please?'
All I'm saying is I'm seeing a different Francine.
I mean you laugh, you-you sing in the shower.
You smell good, you wear a bra.
Whoa.
- Pretty bad, huh? - No.
Ah, I wouldn't say bad.
Little scary maybe.
- Look, this is the way I sleep. - I know, I know.
I'm just not used to seeing you like this
you know, all natural and..
You have dimples.
Show's over. Move along.
The 100 pound rat and the snake lady
are in the next tent.
Look, when I said you were scary I just meant--
Yeah, I'm sure you meant scary in the best possible way.
Okay, uh, move it. It's my turn for the bed tonight.
Yeah, I know, could I at least set the alarm for..
[sighs]
You know, you really are beautiful.
Ah!
That's not funny, it wasn't funny in Ron's office
and it's not funny now!
I'm not joking. Let go of me, you lunatic.
Why should I believe you this time, hmm?
Why'd you do that?
I don't know. Why'd you let me?
I don't know. Maybe we should find out.
Okay.
Could you let go of my nose please?
Oh.
[instrumental music]
I can't believe this happened. I-I feel like such a jerk.
Francine, say something.
You're a jerk.
You know what, I-I'll just go to the drug store right now.
Too late, pal. The mood is gone.
See, I found it.
I knew I brought a condom.
No. No. No.
Great. Antacid. Just what I need.
- Hey, mom. - What's going on?
What's this all about?
If Trevor's going to jail
can I have his room?
Emma, please.
- What happened? - I'll tell you what happened.
I just asked the little fella where he was going
and all I got was a lot of lip and attitude.
Why is there a police car in our drive way?
Ask America's Most Wanted here.
I was coming home and I took the shortcut over Ms. Baxter's fence
then Mr. Five-Oh rolled up on me and asked me what I was doing.
That's when Mr. Four-Foot-Three here
got up in my face and asked me if I was gonna arrest him
for walking while black.
I thought it was clever at the time.
I would've taken him in, but he started crying.
I guess you're gonna put that in your report too.
- You know whose fault this is. - Honey, Bam isn't even here.
So? Trevor's trying to be him.
He talks like him, he's dressing like him
and now he's acting like him.
None of this would've ever happened if you hadn't
brought that rough neck here in the first place.
Sounds like somebody I should be keeping an eye out for.
Why are you still here? You waiting for a tip?
I see where the little guy gets his 'tude.
Alright. I'm going.
But I just want you to know
I didn't stop your son just because he's African-American.
You would've stopped anyone from climbing a fence.
Well, normally no, but I was bored.
This neighborhood is dead.
You accidentally shoot one fireman
and you assign you the Mayberry.
[scatting]
Rachel's really worried.
She thinks Bam could be a bad influence on Trevor.
Well, I had a tutor when I was Trevor's age.
If it wasn't for her I'd have no skills, no goals
no ambitions.
Look, look, look.
I got four monkeys.
Hey, Francine. How was your...trip?
Ron, can I talk to you for a minute?
Ron, we need to talk.
- What was that all about? - Well, I think it's obvious.
They're trying to break my concentration.
But it's not working. I got five monkeys!
Oh, my God.
Ron, what is that in your office?
- What? - Me.
What's going on?
Look, I know this might surprise you
but Francine and I shared a hotel room last night.
We might've shared a whole lot more
but I forgot the, you know, protection.
I see.
Aren't you shocked?
Well, am I talking to you as a friend or as a professional?
Well, as a friend.
Oh, in that case, what the hell!
Are you crazy? Get outta here. I don't wanna hear that.
You're the only one I can talk to about this.
No, I'm not, there's a big old church out there
full of priests. Go.
Ron, do you have a minute? What's he doing in here?
Telling me about your lovely trip to Azusa.
What, he told you that we shared a--
- Mm-hmm. - And that we almost--
- Oh, yeah. - But that he forgot the--
I know.
Just when Mr. Pop-Pop Fizzle-Fizzle
is about to get into the greatest show on earth
he forgets his ticket.
If the show was so great
why'd your husband run away from the circus?
- Ron, help us. - No.
You're my friends and I don't wanna get in the middle of this.
Well, at least listen to us
while we talk this thing through.
Fine, talk. But I'm not saying anything.
Alright. Fair enough.
[clears throat] Okay, it started out rather nicely.
Ah, he was singing Led Zeppelin tunes into my belly button
which I loved.
She smelled so good.
Wh-what is that fragrance you were wearing?
Ah, Keri Lotion.
Keri. Keri is so very.
You had something quite nice on as I recall.
Irish Spring a manly scent.
Which I like it too.
Sexy Irish accent.
You know what accent really turns me on?
- What? - German.
Slosberg. Hamburg. Beyondburg.
It's Swedish, you stupid sexy man.
Yeah, well..
Look, I don't care what you take
but take it out of here.
Okay. Where are they?
Ron, I can't believe you let Trevor go to a movie with Bam.
Nothing happened. Bam's a good kid.
- You don't know that. - Yes, I do.
I work at his school. I've checked him out.
But check this out.
Look, who's getting out of a new BMW.
Oh, come on, with these new leasing programs
and a part-time job
any 16-year-old can own a $50,000 car.
Hey, mom.
Look, I know we're late but we missed our bus
so we started walking until Deon gave us a ride.
Trevor, you know better than doing something like that
without checking with us. We don't know Deon.
But we know he's driving a nice car.
Is it his parents'?
Well, go ask 'em. They're in the trunk.
It was a joke.
Look, I think we need to get a few things straight here.
Okay, now I appreciate everything
that you've done for Trevor
but I just don't think
you should be his tutor anymore.
- Rachel, why not? - Well, the price is too high.
He's trying too hard to be like you.
And that's a bad thing?
Well, it is when he's mouthing off to cops
and he's coming home in squad cars.
Well, I ain't never been arrested.
I ain't never even seen a inside of a cop car.
It's really cool.
I'll shut up now.
And if Trevor really was trying to be like me
he won't be mouthing off cops, 'cause I'm not that stupid.
Look, it's not you, Bam, it's just what you represent.
I ain't no gangster.
If I was, doc wouldn't have let me up in here.
Bet you and Trevor can't get past
the clothes I wear on my back.
He a little kid, what's your excuse?
I'm a mother and I'm trying to protect my child.
If you're trying to protect your child
you need to make him understand
it's the way he act that matters
not the way he looks.
So in another words I'm prejudice?
Actually I was thinking narrow minded.
Ah, can I interrupt this after-school-special?
What is it, baby?
I wanted to show you this.
Got an 'A' on your math test.
Mommy's so proud of you.
Aw, ma, don't slap me in front of my boy.
Come here.
You did great.
- It's alright, T-rex. - And I'm proud of you too.
- Come here. - Alright. That's cool, man.
- Come on. - Get-get away from me, man, I..
- Thank you. - Yeah, whatever.
Look, I'm really sorry.
Um, is there any way I can make it up to you?
I don't know.
Can you cook?
'Cause you know my mom she real sorry in the kitchen.
Okay. Alright, alright.
How about I cook you dinner tomorrow night
after you've tutored Trevor?
Alright then. Later.
Ah, Bam.
Your friend Deon..
Oh, yeah, he my cousin and that's his car.
He sells drugs.
- What? - He's a pharmacist.
- 'Bruce.' - Yeah.
- 'Are we being silly?' - No.
We both have a lot of questions about that night
and the best way to answer them is to recreate it.
Oh, no.
Come on, come on. Not again!
Oh, my.
- You don't like. - Oh, no.
No, no, no. You-you look, you look great.
I love it.
- Gotta go. - Very funny.
No, no, no. Really, I, I have to go.
I'll be back in a few minutes.
Francine, really, if I wanna move you away from there
I could, I'm stronger than you.
- Not if I take this off. - Please, please.
Don't-don't-don't do that.
Look, Francine, I, I'm sorry
I for got the condoms again.
I don't believe it.
- Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.
Bruce, nobody is that stupid.
I am that stupid.
I-I can't believe it either, I..
You know I bought them, I took them home
I tried one on.
You tried one on?
See, Bruce, I see what's going on here.
Yeah, I'm gonna go on out the drug store
I'll be back in 15 minutes.
No, but then you'll come back and tell me
that they were all out of condoms.
You are afraid to have sex with me.
I am not. I wanna have sex with you.
I really, really, really do.
Bruce, you don't wanna do this.
- Yes, I do. - No, you don't.
- Just listen to yourself. - I am.
I'm hearing myself say "Yes, I do."
But what you're really saying
is that we have been friends and colleagues
for a long time now and you don't wanna jeopardize that.
That's why you forgot the condoms.
No, I-I, I thought we covered this.
I forgot the condoms because I'm stupid.
Just don't fight it. It's not meant to be. Okay?
- But I think it-- - No, don't speak.
It's the nicest thing you've ever done
and I just wanna remember this moment. Okay?
So just go.
- No, I really-- - Don't speak.
Just go. I'm so touched.
I think I'm gonna cry.
I haven't been touched, and I know I'm gonna cry.
[sighs]
[instrumental music]
- Morning. - Hey.
Ah, Francine, how are you and Bruce doing?
Oh. Fine.
You know, we've been friends for too long to mess it up
with a relationship we're just not sure of.
Oh, that's a relief.
If Bruce is handling it as well as you are
then you shouldn't have anything to worry about.
- Mm-hmm. - Hey, Ron.
- Hey, Francine. - Oh. Nice tie.
Must you go feeling all over my chest like that?
For heaven's sakes, woman, button up
I can see half your neck.
He seems to be handling it well.
[scatting]
[scatting]
[instrumental music]
You get A's in everything else.
Okay, you're disappointed. But it's not my fault.
If you were having trouble in math
you should've come to me.
Mom, please don't take this the wrong way
but I rather jump into a pit of wild dogs
with the steak tied to my face.
Now how could I take that the wrong way?
Dad, you know how she gets.
- What? How do I get? - Oh, no, I'm not going there.
Ah, what? No, no, go on. I can take it.
How do I get?
Um, "Trevor baby, I'm not gonna give you the answer.
"You know this. Think. You know this.
You know this. I know you know this."
Okay, that was a good impression, baby.
I'll just be getting up so you can try out your new bed, okay?
Why didn't you just ask me for help?
Well, whenever you help me, you end up telling me
some long boring story.
Colorful but boring.
That's not me.
Now, your grandfather, there was a talker.
I once went to him and I said
"Ah, dad, how come I gotta clean up my room?
And he said, "Son, tending to your room is like tending to.."
Ah, that's okay. Emma likes my stories, don't you, Emma?
- Honey? Honey? - What?
I'm just telling a story about my dad.
[scatting]
[scatting]
[growls]
Shouldn't you be on your way to the airport?
Yes, but as usual Bruce is late.
Why are you traveling with him?
Everything he does irritates you.
Well, we got free tickets
Do you have any idea how much an airline ticket to LA costs?
Wow, did he get those from that
stewardess he was going out with?
Yeah, she gave them to him when he promised to stop calling her.
Hmm.
And action! Huh? Huh?
What do you think?
I'm telling you, this is the power suit of the 90s.
All the major players in Hollywood are dressing down now.
Brucy Willis, Kevie Costner, Bobby DeNiro--
Johnny Knotts.
Go ahead. Go ahead. Laugh it up.
Joke if you want. I'm bringing my screenplay just in case.
In case what? You have to swat flies?
Bruce, nobody wants to see a movie
about an exorcist who saves a fertility clinic.
Really?
You wouldn't pay to see Deviled Eggs?
Bruce, it doesn't matter. You're not gonna have any time.
- Have you seen the schedule? - Yes.
I even highlighted the stuff I'm gonna do.
Let me see.
These are all parties and receptions.
- Uh-huh. - Oh, except for that one.
- Which one? Huh. - Right there.
How stupid of me to assume that you'd actually go
to a medical convention to learn about medicine.
I for one cannot wait to hear
Hoffman's lecture on pain management.
It's suppose to be the highlight of the whole..
You know, you are really beautiful.
Bruce, don't.
Everybody in LA talks like that.
Love you, baby.
Alright, let's run. Darbs, peace.
- Ronnie. - Love you, babe.
Back at ya.
[scatting]
So, did you find out what happened to my reservation?
- Yup. - Halleluiah.
- Where's my room? - There's no room.
- What happened? - Darby happened.
[sighs] Enough said.
I gotta find another hotel.
There's bound to be a vacancy somewhere.
Ah, not in Azusa.
Every is booked because of the convention.
Well, then I'll get a room in LA.
The brochure says we're only minutes away.
Yeah, if you're strapped to the nose of a scud missile.
Look, um, why don't you just stay here?
We can't share this room.
There's only one bed. What would my parents say?
Would you unclench for about five seconds please?
Boy, I bet you were a breeze to potty train.
You know, I was gonna offer you
that little soap and the shower cap
but you can forget about that now, missy!
Look at us.
How can we possibly share a room?
- All we do is fight. - You're right. You're right.
So, so let's not fight, okay?
Let's-let's call a truce.
[sighs] Well, I guess, we don't have a choice.
That's the spirit.
Look, I-I'll call downstairs, I'll have 'em send up a cot
and, uh, we'll take turns sleeping in the bed.
Alright. Okay. Thank you, Bruce.
No problem.
But, um, if I meet a sexy doctor
who doesn't have a room of her own
I might ask you to take a little walkie.
Sure. I'll just go to the ice machine and back.
Better take small steps. She may demand foreplay.
Oh.
- I'll see you later. - Where are you going?
Oh, the, uh, gastroenterologist are having
a little chili cook off.
Hey, sexy doctor.
Better find an ice machine, STAT.
- Hi, honey. - Hey.
Everybody, this is Bernard Middlebrook.
Bam for short.
Trevor, he's your new math tutor.
Can I call you Bam-Bam?
No, but you can call me Bam.
Well, what if I have to call you twice?
Just say Bam. Yo, Bam.
Bam's one of the students at the school where I volunteer.
He gets good grades in math so I hired him to tutor Trevor.
Mm. Hey, Bam. I'm Rachel Aimes.
Oh, you doc's old lady.
Dang, doc, she kind phat.
- Excuse me. - Ah, that's P-H-A-T, Rach.
- I-it's a good thing. - Yeah, mom.
Like in olden days when they used to say
a lady was a brick wall.
That's brick house, Trevor.
And I know what phat is. Okay?
Now go into the kitchen and wait for Bam.
He'll be there shortly.
Ah, Bam, as much as I appreciate being Dr. Aimes' phat old lady
would you mind, uh, keeping comments like that to yourself
while you're here.
I'm just trying to say you look good.
I ain't trying to get with you or nothin'.
Ah, Mrs. Aimes knows that, Bam.
She's just not trying to hear that noise
up in her cri-zzib, that's all.
So, we hear, right?
Thank you for laying that science on me, doc.
Okay, there's, uh, plenty to eat and drink in there
if you need anything else while you're working just let us know.
- See, this means-- - Oh, Ron!
I know what this means, okay?
I'm just not sure if I'm comfortable
with this kid spending time with Trevor.
- He's kind of rough. - I know, honey.
But he's very bright and he's motivated.
Most of the kids from his school
have already given up on themselves.
Alright, let's do problem number four, man.
Do you know anybody named Snoop?
Hey, man, will you kill that noise?
Okay, one more question.
What's it like living in the hood?
Rough.
Man, last night, I'm walking home
I realize I'm in the wrong territory
I'm about to turn around, boom, these fools rolled up on me.
- What happened? - They their piece
And they said "Yo, G..
...you know how to draw a isosceles triangle?"
So I carry my own piece with me now.
Problem number four, G.
[scatting]
I thought you had a date.
Why would you think that?
Haven't had a date since we got here.
Well, I saw you with that little homely woman.
She dumped me when she found out I was a dentist.
I'm telling you, if you're not an MD here, you're a nobody.
So, what've you been doing all this time?
Oh, you know, I've been keeping myself busy
moping, pouting, practicing my high desert crane.
[imitating a crane screech]
Oh, here.
I taped Dr. Trachtenberg's lecture for you.
I know you were busy on the health care panel
with the fun bunch.
You sat through two hours for me?
- That was very sweet of you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[knock on door]
Franny, change of plans, Herb rented a car
we are going up to Planet Hollywood.
- Oh! - 'Really?'
A friend of mine once had Demi Moore
sigh his doggie bag there.
Oh, great. Bruce, get dressed. Let's go.
Oh, we don't have room for him in the car.
Oh. Well, then I guess I won't go.
Can I take her place?
What-what am I saying? Ah, forget it.
I-I'm not gonna go with you. You better just go without us.
- Yeah, go without us. - Yeah.
- I'll see you tomorrow. - Okay.
[sighs]
So, did you say you weren't going
because you felt sorry for me?
- Yes. - Would it've killed you to lie?
A little lie might have made me feel bett..
'What-what-what are you doing?'
What-what are you gonna do?
Pull a, pull a rabbit out of the other sleeve?
I'm sorry. I've been dying to get out of that all day.
Oh, I feel so good.
- Nice bra. - 'What?'
Ah, your bra, it's, uh, it's-it's very nice
very feminine.
Ah, you know I wanted the big cast iron one
but some Viking chick got the last one.
I, I just don't associate you with..
- 'Breasts?' - No.
Frilly under-things.
- 'Bruce.' - Yeah.
(Francine) 'You see my slippers over there, on the floor.'
Yeah.
(Francine) 'Shove 'em in your mouth would you please?'
All I'm saying is I'm seeing a different Francine.
I mean you laugh, you-you sing in the shower.
You smell good, you wear a bra.
Whoa.
- Pretty bad, huh? - No.
Ah, I wouldn't say bad.
Little scary maybe.
- Look, this is the way I sleep. - I know, I know.
I'm just not used to seeing you like this
you know, all natural and..
You have dimples.
Show's over. Move along.
The 100 pound rat and the snake lady
are in the next tent.
Look, when I said you were scary I just meant--
Yeah, I'm sure you meant scary in the best possible way.
Okay, uh, move it. It's my turn for the bed tonight.
Yeah, I know, could I at least set the alarm for..
[sighs]
You know, you really are beautiful.
Ah!
That's not funny, it wasn't funny in Ron's office
and it's not funny now!
I'm not joking. Let go of me, you lunatic.
Why should I believe you this time, hmm?
Why'd you do that?
I don't know. Why'd you let me?
I don't know. Maybe we should find out.
Okay.
Could you let go of my nose please?
Oh.
[instrumental music]
I can't believe this happened. I-I feel like such a jerk.
Francine, say something.
You're a jerk.
You know what, I-I'll just go to the drug store right now.
Too late, pal. The mood is gone.
See, I found it.
I knew I brought a condom.
No. No. No.
Great. Antacid. Just what I need.
- Hey, mom. - What's going on?
What's this all about?
If Trevor's going to jail
can I have his room?
Emma, please.
- What happened? - I'll tell you what happened.
I just asked the little fella where he was going
and all I got was a lot of lip and attitude.
Why is there a police car in our drive way?
Ask America's Most Wanted here.
I was coming home and I took the shortcut over Ms. Baxter's fence
then Mr. Five-Oh rolled up on me and asked me what I was doing.
That's when Mr. Four-Foot-Three here
got up in my face and asked me if I was gonna arrest him
for walking while black.
I thought it was clever at the time.
I would've taken him in, but he started crying.
I guess you're gonna put that in your report too.
- You know whose fault this is. - Honey, Bam isn't even here.
So? Trevor's trying to be him.
He talks like him, he's dressing like him
and now he's acting like him.
None of this would've ever happened if you hadn't
brought that rough neck here in the first place.
Sounds like somebody I should be keeping an eye out for.
Why are you still here? You waiting for a tip?
I see where the little guy gets his 'tude.
Alright. I'm going.
But I just want you to know
I didn't stop your son just because he's African-American.
You would've stopped anyone from climbing a fence.
Well, normally no, but I was bored.
This neighborhood is dead.
You accidentally shoot one fireman
and you assign you the Mayberry.
[scatting]
Rachel's really worried.
She thinks Bam could be a bad influence on Trevor.
Well, I had a tutor when I was Trevor's age.
If it wasn't for her I'd have no skills, no goals
no ambitions.
Look, look, look.
I got four monkeys.
Hey, Francine. How was your...trip?
Ron, can I talk to you for a minute?
Ron, we need to talk.
- What was that all about? - Well, I think it's obvious.
They're trying to break my concentration.
But it's not working. I got five monkeys!
Oh, my God.
Ron, what is that in your office?
- What? - Me.
What's going on?
Look, I know this might surprise you
but Francine and I shared a hotel room last night.
We might've shared a whole lot more
but I forgot the, you know, protection.
I see.
Aren't you shocked?
Well, am I talking to you as a friend or as a professional?
Well, as a friend.
Oh, in that case, what the hell!
Are you crazy? Get outta here. I don't wanna hear that.
You're the only one I can talk to about this.
No, I'm not, there's a big old church out there
full of priests. Go.
Ron, do you have a minute? What's he doing in here?
Telling me about your lovely trip to Azusa.
What, he told you that we shared a--
- Mm-hmm. - And that we almost--
- Oh, yeah. - But that he forgot the--
I know.
Just when Mr. Pop-Pop Fizzle-Fizzle
is about to get into the greatest show on earth
he forgets his ticket.
If the show was so great
why'd your husband run away from the circus?
- Ron, help us. - No.
You're my friends and I don't wanna get in the middle of this.
Well, at least listen to us
while we talk this thing through.
Fine, talk. But I'm not saying anything.
Alright. Fair enough.
[clears throat] Okay, it started out rather nicely.
Ah, he was singing Led Zeppelin tunes into my belly button
which I loved.
She smelled so good.
Wh-what is that fragrance you were wearing?
Ah, Keri Lotion.
Keri. Keri is so very.
You had something quite nice on as I recall.
Irish Spring a manly scent.
Which I like it too.
Sexy Irish accent.
You know what accent really turns me on?
- What? - German.
Slosberg. Hamburg. Beyondburg.
It's Swedish, you stupid sexy man.
Yeah, well..
Look, I don't care what you take
but take it out of here.
Okay. Where are they?
Ron, I can't believe you let Trevor go to a movie with Bam.
Nothing happened. Bam's a good kid.
- You don't know that. - Yes, I do.
I work at his school. I've checked him out.
But check this out.
Look, who's getting out of a new BMW.
Oh, come on, with these new leasing programs
and a part-time job
any 16-year-old can own a $50,000 car.
Hey, mom.
Look, I know we're late but we missed our bus
so we started walking until Deon gave us a ride.
Trevor, you know better than doing something like that
without checking with us. We don't know Deon.
But we know he's driving a nice car.
Is it his parents'?
Well, go ask 'em. They're in the trunk.
It was a joke.
Look, I think we need to get a few things straight here.
Okay, now I appreciate everything
that you've done for Trevor
but I just don't think
you should be his tutor anymore.
- Rachel, why not? - Well, the price is too high.
He's trying too hard to be like you.
And that's a bad thing?
Well, it is when he's mouthing off to cops
and he's coming home in squad cars.
Well, I ain't never been arrested.
I ain't never even seen a inside of a cop car.
It's really cool.
I'll shut up now.
And if Trevor really was trying to be like me
he won't be mouthing off cops, 'cause I'm not that stupid.
Look, it's not you, Bam, it's just what you represent.
I ain't no gangster.
If I was, doc wouldn't have let me up in here.
Bet you and Trevor can't get past
the clothes I wear on my back.
He a little kid, what's your excuse?
I'm a mother and I'm trying to protect my child.
If you're trying to protect your child
you need to make him understand
it's the way he act that matters
not the way he looks.
So in another words I'm prejudice?
Actually I was thinking narrow minded.
Ah, can I interrupt this after-school-special?
What is it, baby?
I wanted to show you this.
Got an 'A' on your math test.
Mommy's so proud of you.
Aw, ma, don't slap me in front of my boy.
Come here.
You did great.
- It's alright, T-rex. - And I'm proud of you too.
- Come here. - Alright. That's cool, man.
- Come on. - Get-get away from me, man, I..
- Thank you. - Yeah, whatever.
Look, I'm really sorry.
Um, is there any way I can make it up to you?
I don't know.
Can you cook?
'Cause you know my mom she real sorry in the kitchen.
Okay. Alright, alright.
How about I cook you dinner tomorrow night
after you've tutored Trevor?
Alright then. Later.
Ah, Bam.
Your friend Deon..
Oh, yeah, he my cousin and that's his car.
He sells drugs.
- What? - He's a pharmacist.
- 'Bruce.' - Yeah.
- 'Are we being silly?' - No.
We both have a lot of questions about that night
and the best way to answer them is to recreate it.
Oh, no.
Come on, come on. Not again!
Oh, my.
- You don't like. - Oh, no.
No, no, no. You-you look, you look great.
I love it.
- Gotta go. - Very funny.
No, no, no. Really, I, I have to go.
I'll be back in a few minutes.
Francine, really, if I wanna move you away from there
I could, I'm stronger than you.
- Not if I take this off. - Please, please.
Don't-don't-don't do that.
Look, Francine, I, I'm sorry
I for got the condoms again.
I don't believe it.
- Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.
Bruce, nobody is that stupid.
I am that stupid.
I-I can't believe it either, I..
You know I bought them, I took them home
I tried one on.
You tried one on?
See, Bruce, I see what's going on here.
Yeah, I'm gonna go on out the drug store
I'll be back in 15 minutes.
No, but then you'll come back and tell me
that they were all out of condoms.
You are afraid to have sex with me.
I am not. I wanna have sex with you.
I really, really, really do.
Bruce, you don't wanna do this.
- Yes, I do. - No, you don't.
- Just listen to yourself. - I am.
I'm hearing myself say "Yes, I do."
But what you're really saying
is that we have been friends and colleagues
for a long time now and you don't wanna jeopardize that.
That's why you forgot the condoms.
No, I-I, I thought we covered this.
I forgot the condoms because I'm stupid.
Just don't fight it. It's not meant to be. Okay?
- But I think it-- - No, don't speak.
It's the nicest thing you've ever done
and I just wanna remember this moment. Okay?
So just go.
- No, I really-- - Don't speak.
Just go. I'm so touched.
I think I'm gonna cry.
I haven't been touched, and I know I'm gonna cry.
[sighs]
[instrumental music]
- Morning. - Hey.
Ah, Francine, how are you and Bruce doing?
Oh. Fine.
You know, we've been friends for too long to mess it up
with a relationship we're just not sure of.
Oh, that's a relief.
If Bruce is handling it as well as you are
then you shouldn't have anything to worry about.
- Mm-hmm. - Hey, Ron.
- Hey, Francine. - Oh. Nice tie.
Must you go feeling all over my chest like that?
For heaven's sakes, woman, button up
I can see half your neck.
He seems to be handling it well.
[scatting]
[scatting]
[instrumental music]