Minor Adjustments (1995–1996): Season 1, Episode 13 - My Fair Darby - full transcript
Thanks for getting the mail.
There's never anything for me.
Even Big Bird stopped writing.
Bill, bill, bill.
- Hey, a letter! - From who?
Bill.
Oh, look, Emma's test scores from the magnet school.
Looks like our gifted daughter's
gonna be joining our gifted son there next year.
Hey, that's great. I'm glad we saved Trevor's old stuff.
Let's see, she'll need his books
his protractor, his compass, his art supplies--
- She didn't score high enough. - His brain.
I don't understand this. She's very bright.
Look at this finger painting she did.
When I squint, it looks like a Van Gogh.
When I squint, you look like a Van Gogh.
I'm sorry. I refuse to believe our daughter isn't gifted.
It is impossible.
Ron, the test just says she isn't gifted.
It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with her.
Why didn't she score higher on the test?
Because they made a mistake.
Trevor, were you eavesdropping?
I prefer to call it domestic espionage.
- Trevor. - Emma's my sister.
Just living with me, she should be gifted by osmosis alone.
Trevor, your sister is smart and intelligent
in ways the test can't measure.
And you weren't supposed to know about the test
so I don't want you saying anything to her.
Alright, but I know she's smart.
I bet she's got some amazing hidden talent.
Look, I'm a duck.
Quack! Ow..
Quack. Ow..
I could be wrong.
[scatting]
Squint harder.
I'm squinting as hard as I can
it does not look like a Van Gogh.
Tsk. What are you, an art critic?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Is that the last jelly doughnut?
Are you a doctor? No. Give me that.
Have a toothbrush.
Everyone, I'd like you to meet my nephew, Brandon.
- Brandon, this is Ron. - Hi.
- Hi. - And, uh, Bruce, and Darby.
- Hello. - Hi, nice to meet you.
Aunt Francine's told me all about you.
Oh, not as much as she's told us about you.
I could write your biography.
Oh, come on, Bruce, you're exaggerating.
Just accepted at Harvard premed.
- 4.0 GPA. - Reading by age three.
Potty-trained himself at age six months.
Aunt Francine, you embarrass me.
So, I brag a little. I am just so proud of you.
You are growing up to be just like your old dad.
Oh, yeah, give him high heels, a bun, chronic PMS, he's you.
[Francine laughs]
Bruce, you have a little bit of jelly on your lab coat.
- Where? - There.
How can I miss that?
So, Francine, have you planned a lot of fun stuff for Brandon?
I sure have, I pulled some strings today
and I got him front-row seats to observe a liver transplant.
Ah, yes, nothing beats watching
someone take a liver out of an ice chest
and slap it into a dying alcoholic.
Amen. Alright, honey, here's your camera.
Now, the surgery is at 10:00. Ooh.
You better get a move on, you don't wanna miss pre-op.
That would be like missing the beginning to a great movie.
Oh, yeah, and save your ticket stub
so you can sneak in to other bloody operations.
Are you still sure you can't join me?
Oh, you know I'd love to, but I'm just too busy.
Now, I want you to catch the bus downstairs, take it to--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, bus? Why don't you just have Darby take him?
Excuse me, but I have a lot more important things to do
than just chauffeur someone around.
I'll pay you double time.
- No. - Triple time?
Francine, it's not about the money. I'm busy.
Jim Brown, Garth Brooks
Abe Lincoln, Davy Crockett, the Pope. What is this?
Well, I'm making a list of people with bad hats.
Alright, come on, Doogie, let's roll.
[scatting]
- 'Have a nice day.' - Yo, watch it!
Wow, your perfume smells like Chinese food.
You know, you're somewhere between
Cindy Crawford and Scooby-Doo.
But I'd still do you.
Ew!
Do you really enjoy chatting with your patients?
You smell moo shu pork?
- Hey, Slap. - Hey, Darby.
- How you doing? - Looking good.
Oh, big party this Saturday night at my place.
- Beer and wrestling. - Cool. WrestleMania?
Uh, no, just me and my brother.
We like to duke it out in our underwear.
Oh, ha-ha-ha.
Wow, I'm so there, Slap.
Where have you been? You are two hours late!
I'm sorry, Aunt Francine.
We were having so much fun that we lost track of time.
- Yeah, it was cool. - How'd the surgery go?
- Well, it's hard to say. - Why?
Um, 'cause we didn't go. I showed him the city.
Yeah, uh, we had a cheese-steak eating contest
and then, uh, we ran up the Rocky Steps
and then we threw up.
Yeah. Next time I think we should run up the steps first.
A-and then on the way back Darby took me to a poetry reading
a-and she read one of her poems.
- Wanna hear it? - No.
"Mud," by Darby Hampton.
Mud, it's dirt and water.
Dirt...and water.
Dirt...and water.
And that's why they call it mud.
Thank you.
Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey!
- The other way around. - I mean, hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!
Then after that I took him downtown to get a tattoo! Ah!
A tattoo? Are you crazy? You are headed for medical school.
What kind of an impression is that gonna make?
Not to worry. I kept that in mind.
See? There. It's a stethoscope.
Ah! How nice.
- Ow! - This is all your fault.
Look at the tattoo my nephew got while he was with your niece.
Ooh! Did that hurt?
Uh, see-see-see, I-I want to get a tattoo.
I wanna get a, a big tooth right here.
[sighs] Bruce, it was your idea for Darby to escort Brandon
and now he is blemished. That girl is a bad influence.
Hey, now, Darby's a lot of things
but a bad influence isn't one of them.
Uh, ah, here's your driver's license.
Now you're 21, and you can drive without corrective lenses.
Yeah.
(Trevor) So, Curtis, what do you wanna do?
I don't know. I'll do whatever you wanna do.
I know, let's test my sister
to see if she's a..
Cool! What's that?
Well, you know, like in "Rain Man."
The guy seemed like a dope, but he had a computer brain
and they made a killing in Vegas.
We could do the same with Emma.
So how do we test her?
We can use my cards. They're only 51.
Hey, Emma!
(Emma) 'What do you want, Trevor?'
We're gonna play a little game.
Oh, goody. I love games.
Alright, Emma, just follow my directions. Ready?
One, two, three.
Okay, quick. How many cards are there on the ground?
Uh, 51.
Wow!
That's it! Atlantic City, here we come!
That was a dumb game. I'm out of here.
Hello. Trump Plaza?
This is 7 come 11 eighth.
Yes, I'd like a room with a view on money.
And you might wanna have a few suitcases ready for us
to take home our winnings.
What's going on here?
- Is Trevor in trouble? - Well, let's see.
He's calling long-distance to
make reservations at Trump Plaza.
I think we're looking at a yes here.
[imitates beeping]
Is that your beeper or mine?
It's mine. Gotta go.
Trevor, what's this about?
Great news! Emma's a goldmine.
I'm taking her to Atlantic City to count cards.
Baby needs a new pair of shoes.
Uh! Trevor?
Hey, I'm thinking of Emma.
I'm trying to give her something to fall back on.
Do you want her selling pencils on a street corner
when she's 18?
Sure, she'll know how many there are when she drops them
but what kind of pathetic life is that?
Trevor, your sister is a normal five-year-old.
We couldn't care less about some arbitrary number on a test.
- Right, Ron? - Right.
Uh, Trevor, why don't you excuse us for a minute?
- We have to test her again. - Ron!
There's no way my daughter
isn't smart enough to get in that school.
Fine, look, I'm sorry it's come to this
but there's something I have to tell you.
- Emma's not your daughter. - What?
I had an affair with a dumb guy.
Rachel, you're just being ridiculous.
No, Ron, you're being ridiculous.
What, just two days ago you thought
she was our perfect little girl.
And you know what, she still is
no matter what some letter says.
You're right. I'm a jerk.
Ah, forget about the test.
I figured out who that dumb guy was.
Me.
I'm sorry, guys, she's gotta be like "Rain Man."
How else does she know there was a card missing from the deck?
Guess what card I'm holding, Teddy?
[scatting]
Don't!
Let me guess.
Brandon's out with Darby again?
I don't understand it.
It's their third lunch in four days.
What does that boy see in her?
He's a kid who's been sheltered all his life
and Darby is someone exciting to him.
But see, I just, I don't understand.
I mean, they're just so different!
You know, he's in med school. She's in play school.
He's-he's, he loves opera.
Well, she likes Oprah.
He writes papers. She eats paper.
Francine, relax!
In a week from now, he'll be immersed in Harvard
and that will be..
[screams]
- Uh.. - Oh.
Oh. Hi, guys.
Brandon, uh, what were you just doing?
Mm, we're sharing a Life Saver, in one minute
it'll be my turn again.
I am crazy about her.
No. Y-you can't be crazy about her.
I mean, y-you have nothing in common!
But that's what's so great.
She's nothing like the girls I grew up with.
She's opened up a whole new world for me.
Darby, uh, whatever you've opened, dear, please close it.
Brandon, you're leaving in two days.
I mean, you can't start a relationship and then leave.
It wouldn't be fair to either of you.
- You're right. - I am?
Uh-huh, that's why I'm dropping out of Harvard
and I'm moving down here.
Oh.
Ugh!
[moaning]
Good Life Saver. Minty-fresh.
- Do you believe this? - I'm stunned.
I had no idea Life Saver could last that long.
[sighs]
[scatting]
Francine, there's no reason to get this upset.
- You're gonna stop seeing her? - Ah, no!
And my mind is already made up.
Did you make it up before or after you lost it?
[groans] I already told my folks.
"Hey, dad.." It took such guts.
I was so proud of him. He was honest, direct and firm.
He said, "Mom, dad, I don't care what you think
I'm not going to college."
Boy, are they gonna be surprised when they call in for messages.
You're not even gonna tell them in person?
Are you kidding? You nearly broke my arm.
And you're the pacifist in the family.
My sister is going to kill me.
She sent me her little boy, and in three days I ruined him.
What about becoming a doctor?
- It's always been your dream. - Has it?
Or have I just been programmed to want that since I was born?
- That's not fair. - My middle name is Zhivago.
[sighs]
Darby, you have to say something to him.
Francine, there are lots of things
that are just as important as studying medicine.
Listen, you better get out of here, you're gonna be late
for your four o'clock appointment.
What kind of an appointment?
Oh, he's meeting some friends of mine
at the 7-Eleven dumpster.
[clears throat]
And?
That's it, just to hang out.
Francine, check it out. I got the tooth.
[chuckles]
Good, then you won't need the ones
I'm gonna knock out of your head.
You want to blame me for the two of them getting together?
You wanna take a swing at me? Go ahead. Take your best shot.
Feel better?
No.
[door shuts]
[groaning]
[scatting]
Man, it's not fair!
Somewhere out there a guy name Rubik
is living off of money he made annoying people.
- Can I try? - Forget it.
If I can't figure it out, there's no way you can.
- Trevor! - Well, that's the truth.
Why, 'cause I didn't do well on that test?
- Emma? - Uh, it's okay.
Not everyone does well on those tests.
You're cute as a button, though.
Emma, how did you know that you
didn't score very high on that test?
Never mind.
Emma, how did you know?
Because I cheated on the test.
Get with the program, Emma.
You're supposed to cheat to do better.
[sighs] I don't wanna go to Trevor's school and be a geek!
We're not geeks.
Geeks beat us up.
You always do homework. You're totally stressed out.
You're ten years old and your hair is already falling out.
- What? - Got you! Ha-ha-ha..
I knew she was brilliant. I knew it.
- Ron.. - Uh, not that it matters.
I feel bad.
Because you put down all the wrong answers on purpose?
No, I feel bad because I let the boy next to me copy off me.
You know, Ron, maybe we did jump the gun.
And I think you're right, if she went to this extreme to blow
the test, then maybe she's not ready to go to that school.
Exactly. Look, why don't we just back off it for a while?
Trevor didn't go to Franklin till he was in the fifth grade.
We can just take our time and give it some more thought.
I think that's a good idea.
So you're not mad at me?
No, Emma, we're not mad.
Well, I guess this makes me
the only proven gifted child in the family.
Man!
[laughs]
(Ron) 'Help me!'
Help me!
Help me! I'm trapped.
Fear not, my pretty. Omega man is here to the rescue.
Feel my power!
If she feels his power, will he
still respect you in the morning?
Francine!
Francine, I was just experimenting
with some play therapy. See, the dolls represent..
Haven't you ever heard of knocking?
Ron, I took your advice about my anger towards Darby
and I wrote a letter to get my feelings out.
- Wanna hear it? Okay. - I'd love to.
"Dear, sir, per your ad in "Soldier Of Fortune" magazine..
There's a woman I work with, Darby Hampton. I want her dead."
- Give me that. - Too severe?
Francine, I understand your anger, but Brandon's only 18.
He's still learning to define himself.
- He'll come around. - When?
Look, he's defining himself right now..
...in ways only Jacques Cousteau could understand.
- Brandon? - Hey, Aunt Francine!
[laughs] What do you think?
Nice legs. What are you doing?
Oh, I landed my first job in Philadelphia.
I'm the new greeter at The Crabby Crab.
You are working in a fast-food restaurant?
And you thought he'd lose his ambition hanging out with me.
[chuckles]
Hey, a guy's gotta support himself, right?
Oh, check this out. I've already got their slogan down.
"Welcome to Crabby Crab. Shut up and eat."
[grunts]
- Ron, give me back the letter. - Just a second.
I wanna ask you a question. What exactly is in the crab shake?
- Ron! - Uh, I'll be over here.
Alright, Darby, I have had enough of this.
Now, you have to stop him. He'll listen to you.
Francine, I already told you, this is Brandon's choice.
- This is what he wants. - Oh!
That's right, and it's only the beginning
because, see, I hope to own a Crabby Crab franchise
by the time I'm 20.
And then Darby and I, we can get married
and start out our futures together in style.
Married? Whoa, rewind.
Oh, uh, I mean, we don't have to rush that part.
I mean, you know, we can get engaged first
and, you know, take the time, plan the perfect wedding.
Brandon, I think you have the wrong idea here.
What? I-I thought we talked about this.
I mean, you thought it'd be a good idea if I, if I lived here.
Well, I did, you know, to hang out with, to date
to reach stuff on the high shelves.
- What about us? - Well, I'm sorry, Brandon.
I mean, you're a great guy and you make an adorable crustacean
but, um, I don't think I see that kind of a future together.
Uh, I mean, I understand.
[chuckles] Guess there's nothing left for me to say.
I mean, I know what I have to do.
Tsk. I should have realized he was so serious.
You know, his first real relationship.
I hope I wasn't too rough on him.
Oh, no, darling. He'll be fine.
See, now he can pull his life back together.
I'm not so sure. He seemed very upset.
Yeah, his little claws were drooping.
[chuckles] You guys want to see something funny?
T-those Crabby Crab people would do anything to sell food!
- What are you talking about? - There's a giant crab..
- Out on the window ledge. - Oh, my God.
[scatting]
Brandon, come on back in, honey, she's not worth it.
You tell him, Francine. I don't mind.
She a no-talent, ambitionless airhead
who isn't even fit to marry a real crab.
Okay, Francine, I'm starting to mind a little.
(Brandon) 'It's no use, Aunt Francine. It hurts too much!'
- I should go up there. What? - Ron!
If you fall, can I have this?
Leave me alone.
Dr. Aimes is on his way up, honey!
(Brandon) 'I'll jump if he comes out here!'
Maybe I should talk to him here.
Mm-hmm. You think?
Uh, Brandon, hear me out.
I've treated a lot of teenagers
who feel the same way you do right now.
(Brandon) 'Well, have they ever done anything this extreme?'
Yes. Although, the crab costume is a first.
This is a delightful little conversation.
But can we have it on the inside?
Okay, okay. Uh, uh..
Brandon, you grew up wanting to be a doctor
wanting to save lives.
I think you're standing out there
with your first patient.
(Brandon) 'This pigeon?'
Brandon, you know what I'm talking about.
Take some time and think about it.
(Brandon) 'No!'
Oh, he's a stubborn little crab.
Darby, I think he needs to hear from you right now.
You're the only one who's connected with him so far.
Okay, I'll do it.
[clears throat] Um, Brandon
if you want to jump so bad, go ahead and jump.
- What? - What?
- 'What?' - You heard me.
Go ahead. Jump.
- Are you crazy? - What are you doing?
Stop worrying too much.
He's not gonna jump.
[screaming]
[thuds]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
[instrumental music]
As I was hurtling towards the ground, I thought that I..
That you what?
That's all. The concrete came real fast.
Thank God that fat guy broke your fall, huh?
- How's he doing? - Uh, better.
Uh, they've located his keys in x-ray.
Ah..
Well, we're just glad that you're alright
and that you're going back to school.
Thanks for everything, you guys. I'm really gonna miss you.
We're really gonna miss you, too, Brandon.
Darby, he's just going back to Boston, not shipping off to war.
He can always come back and visit during winter break.
I know. I'm just still really touched, you know?
No one ever jumped off a building for me before.
Darby, um, I didn't jump.
I slipped trying to crawl back in.
[scoffs] And I thought you loved me.
[scatting]
Mm. Mm!
Brandon wrote to me. Have you heard from him?
Yup, he wrote me a ten-page letter on how much he loves me.
- Oh. - What does yours say?
"Dear Aunt Francine, tell Darby I love her."
Aww! Okay. Well, he wrote about you on mine.
- Really. What'd he say? - Uh-huh.
[clears throat]
Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, here it is.
"I'm so glad Aunt Francine introduced us."
- That's it? - You know what?
I'm delighted he's back on track.
And thank you very much for inviting me along.
- I'm glad we're friends again. - Oh.
Frankly, I'm surprised at how much fun you are.
Well, I'm glad you're having such a good time, Francine.
- Mm! - Okay, guys, round two.
- Quickly. - This one's mine.
I got five bucks on you!
Ow! Oh!
- Look at that move. Look! Ooh! - Ooh!
- Look at that tan line. - Wow.
- Okay. No, no, no. - No biting.
[scatting]
[theme music]
[scatting]
There's never anything for me.
Even Big Bird stopped writing.
Bill, bill, bill.
- Hey, a letter! - From who?
Bill.
Oh, look, Emma's test scores from the magnet school.
Looks like our gifted daughter's
gonna be joining our gifted son there next year.
Hey, that's great. I'm glad we saved Trevor's old stuff.
Let's see, she'll need his books
his protractor, his compass, his art supplies--
- She didn't score high enough. - His brain.
I don't understand this. She's very bright.
Look at this finger painting she did.
When I squint, it looks like a Van Gogh.
When I squint, you look like a Van Gogh.
I'm sorry. I refuse to believe our daughter isn't gifted.
It is impossible.
Ron, the test just says she isn't gifted.
It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with her.
Why didn't she score higher on the test?
Because they made a mistake.
Trevor, were you eavesdropping?
I prefer to call it domestic espionage.
- Trevor. - Emma's my sister.
Just living with me, she should be gifted by osmosis alone.
Trevor, your sister is smart and intelligent
in ways the test can't measure.
And you weren't supposed to know about the test
so I don't want you saying anything to her.
Alright, but I know she's smart.
I bet she's got some amazing hidden talent.
Look, I'm a duck.
Quack! Ow..
Quack. Ow..
I could be wrong.
[scatting]
Squint harder.
I'm squinting as hard as I can
it does not look like a Van Gogh.
Tsk. What are you, an art critic?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Is that the last jelly doughnut?
Are you a doctor? No. Give me that.
Have a toothbrush.
Everyone, I'd like you to meet my nephew, Brandon.
- Brandon, this is Ron. - Hi.
- Hi. - And, uh, Bruce, and Darby.
- Hello. - Hi, nice to meet you.
Aunt Francine's told me all about you.
Oh, not as much as she's told us about you.
I could write your biography.
Oh, come on, Bruce, you're exaggerating.
Just accepted at Harvard premed.
- 4.0 GPA. - Reading by age three.
Potty-trained himself at age six months.
Aunt Francine, you embarrass me.
So, I brag a little. I am just so proud of you.
You are growing up to be just like your old dad.
Oh, yeah, give him high heels, a bun, chronic PMS, he's you.
[Francine laughs]
Bruce, you have a little bit of jelly on your lab coat.
- Where? - There.
How can I miss that?
So, Francine, have you planned a lot of fun stuff for Brandon?
I sure have, I pulled some strings today
and I got him front-row seats to observe a liver transplant.
Ah, yes, nothing beats watching
someone take a liver out of an ice chest
and slap it into a dying alcoholic.
Amen. Alright, honey, here's your camera.
Now, the surgery is at 10:00. Ooh.
You better get a move on, you don't wanna miss pre-op.
That would be like missing the beginning to a great movie.
Oh, yeah, and save your ticket stub
so you can sneak in to other bloody operations.
Are you still sure you can't join me?
Oh, you know I'd love to, but I'm just too busy.
Now, I want you to catch the bus downstairs, take it to--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, bus? Why don't you just have Darby take him?
Excuse me, but I have a lot more important things to do
than just chauffeur someone around.
I'll pay you double time.
- No. - Triple time?
Francine, it's not about the money. I'm busy.
Jim Brown, Garth Brooks
Abe Lincoln, Davy Crockett, the Pope. What is this?
Well, I'm making a list of people with bad hats.
Alright, come on, Doogie, let's roll.
[scatting]
- 'Have a nice day.' - Yo, watch it!
Wow, your perfume smells like Chinese food.
You know, you're somewhere between
Cindy Crawford and Scooby-Doo.
But I'd still do you.
Ew!
Do you really enjoy chatting with your patients?
You smell moo shu pork?
- Hey, Slap. - Hey, Darby.
- How you doing? - Looking good.
Oh, big party this Saturday night at my place.
- Beer and wrestling. - Cool. WrestleMania?
Uh, no, just me and my brother.
We like to duke it out in our underwear.
Oh, ha-ha-ha.
Wow, I'm so there, Slap.
Where have you been? You are two hours late!
I'm sorry, Aunt Francine.
We were having so much fun that we lost track of time.
- Yeah, it was cool. - How'd the surgery go?
- Well, it's hard to say. - Why?
Um, 'cause we didn't go. I showed him the city.
Yeah, uh, we had a cheese-steak eating contest
and then, uh, we ran up the Rocky Steps
and then we threw up.
Yeah. Next time I think we should run up the steps first.
A-and then on the way back Darby took me to a poetry reading
a-and she read one of her poems.
- Wanna hear it? - No.
"Mud," by Darby Hampton.
Mud, it's dirt and water.
Dirt...and water.
Dirt...and water.
And that's why they call it mud.
Thank you.
Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey!
- The other way around. - I mean, hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!
Then after that I took him downtown to get a tattoo! Ah!
A tattoo? Are you crazy? You are headed for medical school.
What kind of an impression is that gonna make?
Not to worry. I kept that in mind.
See? There. It's a stethoscope.
Ah! How nice.
- Ow! - This is all your fault.
Look at the tattoo my nephew got while he was with your niece.
Ooh! Did that hurt?
Uh, see-see-see, I-I want to get a tattoo.
I wanna get a, a big tooth right here.
[sighs] Bruce, it was your idea for Darby to escort Brandon
and now he is blemished. That girl is a bad influence.
Hey, now, Darby's a lot of things
but a bad influence isn't one of them.
Uh, ah, here's your driver's license.
Now you're 21, and you can drive without corrective lenses.
Yeah.
(Trevor) So, Curtis, what do you wanna do?
I don't know. I'll do whatever you wanna do.
I know, let's test my sister
to see if she's a..
Cool! What's that?
Well, you know, like in "Rain Man."
The guy seemed like a dope, but he had a computer brain
and they made a killing in Vegas.
We could do the same with Emma.
So how do we test her?
We can use my cards. They're only 51.
Hey, Emma!
(Emma) 'What do you want, Trevor?'
We're gonna play a little game.
Oh, goody. I love games.
Alright, Emma, just follow my directions. Ready?
One, two, three.
Okay, quick. How many cards are there on the ground?
Uh, 51.
Wow!
That's it! Atlantic City, here we come!
That was a dumb game. I'm out of here.
Hello. Trump Plaza?
This is 7 come 11 eighth.
Yes, I'd like a room with a view on money.
And you might wanna have a few suitcases ready for us
to take home our winnings.
What's going on here?
- Is Trevor in trouble? - Well, let's see.
He's calling long-distance to
make reservations at Trump Plaza.
I think we're looking at a yes here.
[imitates beeping]
Is that your beeper or mine?
It's mine. Gotta go.
Trevor, what's this about?
Great news! Emma's a goldmine.
I'm taking her to Atlantic City to count cards.
Baby needs a new pair of shoes.
Uh! Trevor?
Hey, I'm thinking of Emma.
I'm trying to give her something to fall back on.
Do you want her selling pencils on a street corner
when she's 18?
Sure, she'll know how many there are when she drops them
but what kind of pathetic life is that?
Trevor, your sister is a normal five-year-old.
We couldn't care less about some arbitrary number on a test.
- Right, Ron? - Right.
Uh, Trevor, why don't you excuse us for a minute?
- We have to test her again. - Ron!
There's no way my daughter
isn't smart enough to get in that school.
Fine, look, I'm sorry it's come to this
but there's something I have to tell you.
- Emma's not your daughter. - What?
I had an affair with a dumb guy.
Rachel, you're just being ridiculous.
No, Ron, you're being ridiculous.
What, just two days ago you thought
she was our perfect little girl.
And you know what, she still is
no matter what some letter says.
You're right. I'm a jerk.
Ah, forget about the test.
I figured out who that dumb guy was.
Me.
I'm sorry, guys, she's gotta be like "Rain Man."
How else does she know there was a card missing from the deck?
Guess what card I'm holding, Teddy?
[scatting]
Don't!
Let me guess.
Brandon's out with Darby again?
I don't understand it.
It's their third lunch in four days.
What does that boy see in her?
He's a kid who's been sheltered all his life
and Darby is someone exciting to him.
But see, I just, I don't understand.
I mean, they're just so different!
You know, he's in med school. She's in play school.
He's-he's, he loves opera.
Well, she likes Oprah.
He writes papers. She eats paper.
Francine, relax!
In a week from now, he'll be immersed in Harvard
and that will be..
[screams]
- Uh.. - Oh.
Oh. Hi, guys.
Brandon, uh, what were you just doing?
Mm, we're sharing a Life Saver, in one minute
it'll be my turn again.
I am crazy about her.
No. Y-you can't be crazy about her.
I mean, y-you have nothing in common!
But that's what's so great.
She's nothing like the girls I grew up with.
She's opened up a whole new world for me.
Darby, uh, whatever you've opened, dear, please close it.
Brandon, you're leaving in two days.
I mean, you can't start a relationship and then leave.
It wouldn't be fair to either of you.
- You're right. - I am?
Uh-huh, that's why I'm dropping out of Harvard
and I'm moving down here.
Oh.
Ugh!
[moaning]
Good Life Saver. Minty-fresh.
- Do you believe this? - I'm stunned.
I had no idea Life Saver could last that long.
[sighs]
[scatting]
Francine, there's no reason to get this upset.
- You're gonna stop seeing her? - Ah, no!
And my mind is already made up.
Did you make it up before or after you lost it?
[groans] I already told my folks.
"Hey, dad.." It took such guts.
I was so proud of him. He was honest, direct and firm.
He said, "Mom, dad, I don't care what you think
I'm not going to college."
Boy, are they gonna be surprised when they call in for messages.
You're not even gonna tell them in person?
Are you kidding? You nearly broke my arm.
And you're the pacifist in the family.
My sister is going to kill me.
She sent me her little boy, and in three days I ruined him.
What about becoming a doctor?
- It's always been your dream. - Has it?
Or have I just been programmed to want that since I was born?
- That's not fair. - My middle name is Zhivago.
[sighs]
Darby, you have to say something to him.
Francine, there are lots of things
that are just as important as studying medicine.
Listen, you better get out of here, you're gonna be late
for your four o'clock appointment.
What kind of an appointment?
Oh, he's meeting some friends of mine
at the 7-Eleven dumpster.
[clears throat]
And?
That's it, just to hang out.
Francine, check it out. I got the tooth.
[chuckles]
Good, then you won't need the ones
I'm gonna knock out of your head.
You want to blame me for the two of them getting together?
You wanna take a swing at me? Go ahead. Take your best shot.
Feel better?
No.
[door shuts]
[groaning]
[scatting]
Man, it's not fair!
Somewhere out there a guy name Rubik
is living off of money he made annoying people.
- Can I try? - Forget it.
If I can't figure it out, there's no way you can.
- Trevor! - Well, that's the truth.
Why, 'cause I didn't do well on that test?
- Emma? - Uh, it's okay.
Not everyone does well on those tests.
You're cute as a button, though.
Emma, how did you know that you
didn't score very high on that test?
Never mind.
Emma, how did you know?
Because I cheated on the test.
Get with the program, Emma.
You're supposed to cheat to do better.
[sighs] I don't wanna go to Trevor's school and be a geek!
We're not geeks.
Geeks beat us up.
You always do homework. You're totally stressed out.
You're ten years old and your hair is already falling out.
- What? - Got you! Ha-ha-ha..
I knew she was brilliant. I knew it.
- Ron.. - Uh, not that it matters.
I feel bad.
Because you put down all the wrong answers on purpose?
No, I feel bad because I let the boy next to me copy off me.
You know, Ron, maybe we did jump the gun.
And I think you're right, if she went to this extreme to blow
the test, then maybe she's not ready to go to that school.
Exactly. Look, why don't we just back off it for a while?
Trevor didn't go to Franklin till he was in the fifth grade.
We can just take our time and give it some more thought.
I think that's a good idea.
So you're not mad at me?
No, Emma, we're not mad.
Well, I guess this makes me
the only proven gifted child in the family.
Man!
[laughs]
(Ron) 'Help me!'
Help me!
Help me! I'm trapped.
Fear not, my pretty. Omega man is here to the rescue.
Feel my power!
If she feels his power, will he
still respect you in the morning?
Francine!
Francine, I was just experimenting
with some play therapy. See, the dolls represent..
Haven't you ever heard of knocking?
Ron, I took your advice about my anger towards Darby
and I wrote a letter to get my feelings out.
- Wanna hear it? Okay. - I'd love to.
"Dear, sir, per your ad in "Soldier Of Fortune" magazine..
There's a woman I work with, Darby Hampton. I want her dead."
- Give me that. - Too severe?
Francine, I understand your anger, but Brandon's only 18.
He's still learning to define himself.
- He'll come around. - When?
Look, he's defining himself right now..
...in ways only Jacques Cousteau could understand.
- Brandon? - Hey, Aunt Francine!
[laughs] What do you think?
Nice legs. What are you doing?
Oh, I landed my first job in Philadelphia.
I'm the new greeter at The Crabby Crab.
You are working in a fast-food restaurant?
And you thought he'd lose his ambition hanging out with me.
[chuckles]
Hey, a guy's gotta support himself, right?
Oh, check this out. I've already got their slogan down.
"Welcome to Crabby Crab. Shut up and eat."
[grunts]
- Ron, give me back the letter. - Just a second.
I wanna ask you a question. What exactly is in the crab shake?
- Ron! - Uh, I'll be over here.
Alright, Darby, I have had enough of this.
Now, you have to stop him. He'll listen to you.
Francine, I already told you, this is Brandon's choice.
- This is what he wants. - Oh!
That's right, and it's only the beginning
because, see, I hope to own a Crabby Crab franchise
by the time I'm 20.
And then Darby and I, we can get married
and start out our futures together in style.
Married? Whoa, rewind.
Oh, uh, I mean, we don't have to rush that part.
I mean, you know, we can get engaged first
and, you know, take the time, plan the perfect wedding.
Brandon, I think you have the wrong idea here.
What? I-I thought we talked about this.
I mean, you thought it'd be a good idea if I, if I lived here.
Well, I did, you know, to hang out with, to date
to reach stuff on the high shelves.
- What about us? - Well, I'm sorry, Brandon.
I mean, you're a great guy and you make an adorable crustacean
but, um, I don't think I see that kind of a future together.
Uh, I mean, I understand.
[chuckles] Guess there's nothing left for me to say.
I mean, I know what I have to do.
Tsk. I should have realized he was so serious.
You know, his first real relationship.
I hope I wasn't too rough on him.
Oh, no, darling. He'll be fine.
See, now he can pull his life back together.
I'm not so sure. He seemed very upset.
Yeah, his little claws were drooping.
[chuckles] You guys want to see something funny?
T-those Crabby Crab people would do anything to sell food!
- What are you talking about? - There's a giant crab..
- Out on the window ledge. - Oh, my God.
[scatting]
Brandon, come on back in, honey, she's not worth it.
You tell him, Francine. I don't mind.
She a no-talent, ambitionless airhead
who isn't even fit to marry a real crab.
Okay, Francine, I'm starting to mind a little.
(Brandon) 'It's no use, Aunt Francine. It hurts too much!'
- I should go up there. What? - Ron!
If you fall, can I have this?
Leave me alone.
Dr. Aimes is on his way up, honey!
(Brandon) 'I'll jump if he comes out here!'
Maybe I should talk to him here.
Mm-hmm. You think?
Uh, Brandon, hear me out.
I've treated a lot of teenagers
who feel the same way you do right now.
(Brandon) 'Well, have they ever done anything this extreme?'
Yes. Although, the crab costume is a first.
This is a delightful little conversation.
But can we have it on the inside?
Okay, okay. Uh, uh..
Brandon, you grew up wanting to be a doctor
wanting to save lives.
I think you're standing out there
with your first patient.
(Brandon) 'This pigeon?'
Brandon, you know what I'm talking about.
Take some time and think about it.
(Brandon) 'No!'
Oh, he's a stubborn little crab.
Darby, I think he needs to hear from you right now.
You're the only one who's connected with him so far.
Okay, I'll do it.
[clears throat] Um, Brandon
if you want to jump so bad, go ahead and jump.
- What? - What?
- 'What?' - You heard me.
Go ahead. Jump.
- Are you crazy? - What are you doing?
Stop worrying too much.
He's not gonna jump.
[screaming]
[thuds]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
[instrumental music]
As I was hurtling towards the ground, I thought that I..
That you what?
That's all. The concrete came real fast.
Thank God that fat guy broke your fall, huh?
- How's he doing? - Uh, better.
Uh, they've located his keys in x-ray.
Ah..
Well, we're just glad that you're alright
and that you're going back to school.
Thanks for everything, you guys. I'm really gonna miss you.
We're really gonna miss you, too, Brandon.
Darby, he's just going back to Boston, not shipping off to war.
He can always come back and visit during winter break.
I know. I'm just still really touched, you know?
No one ever jumped off a building for me before.
Darby, um, I didn't jump.
I slipped trying to crawl back in.
[scoffs] And I thought you loved me.
[scatting]
Mm. Mm!
Brandon wrote to me. Have you heard from him?
Yup, he wrote me a ten-page letter on how much he loves me.
- Oh. - What does yours say?
"Dear Aunt Francine, tell Darby I love her."
Aww! Okay. Well, he wrote about you on mine.
- Really. What'd he say? - Uh-huh.
[clears throat]
Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, here it is.
"I'm so glad Aunt Francine introduced us."
- That's it? - You know what?
I'm delighted he's back on track.
And thank you very much for inviting me along.
- I'm glad we're friends again. - Oh.
Frankly, I'm surprised at how much fun you are.
Well, I'm glad you're having such a good time, Francine.
- Mm! - Okay, guys, round two.
- Quickly. - This one's mine.
I got five bucks on you!
Ow! Oh!
- Look at that move. Look! Ooh! - Ooh!
- Look at that tan line. - Wow.
- Okay. No, no, no. - No biting.
[scatting]
[theme music]
[scatting]