Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 6, Episode 8 - The Wreck of the Vincent Moranto - full transcript
Mike is upset and disappointed when Vince bails on finishing a do-it-yourself project they started together.
Sure was sweet of
the neighbors to let us
piggyback on on to
their garage sale.
They didn't let us.
I just started throwing
crap on their lawn.
They're too polite to say no.
It's the one up-side of having
religious nuts as neighbors.
Mom, just because people
smile and wave at us,
does not make them
religious nuts.
Hmm. Either way, the meek
are about to inherit
a big ball of tangled
Christmas lights.
Well, that's how
we're gonna play it,
let's giveth unto them
Mike's old snow tires.
Gangway!
Starboard!
Starboard!
Starboard!
Starboard!
On my starboard
or your starboard?
Whichever one doesn't crush
my barnacles against the wall!
Guess what I bought
from the religious nuts?
You got to be kidding me, Vin.
I want that eyesore out of here.
Hold on, Joyce.
You got to picture
it all fixed up,
with me on deck in my Speedo,
like Aristotle Onassis.
Couldn't you have stopped him?
You've seen him in that Speedo.
Oh, I tried to
talk him out of it,
but he made
a very good argument.
What?
I get to be first mate.
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
Yeah, I got to admit,
man, I had my doubts,
but this boat is really
starting to shape up.
Even smells better since you
found whatever died in the hull.
I don't know what
that skeleton was,
but the thing
in it's belly was a turtle.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What... what are you
doing over there?
I'm sanding.
You're treating it like
it's a piece of wood.
It is a piece of wood.
No, no, no, a boat
is like a lady,
so you got to touch it
like a lady: gentle.
Front...
to back.
Front...
to back.
I know how to touch a lady.
All right, show me again.
There, nice and easy.
Go with the grain,
make it come alive.
Half the work, twice the reward.
You had me at "half the work."
When we're done,
the Jolly Joyce will be
the prettiest tug on Lake Michigan.
Jolly Joyce.
Those are two words
I'd never put together.
Although it will make it harder
for her to take an ax
to something that's
named after her.
Exactly.
Why do you think so many boats
are named after women?
Not bad.
Not bad. With those
big mitts of yours,
we'll be done in no time.
And then we set sail.
You betcha.
We'll find our own
secret fishing spot
and yank in so many trout,
your grandkids won't even
know the species existed.
I always loved fishing as a kid.
Any sport where you
could sit, really.
Oh, your old man take you out?
All the time.
Some of my best
memories with him.
Well, you and I are going to
make some new memories.
Like the time you ran
and got me that beer.
When was that?
Right now.
Permission to go ashore
and procure us a couple of
cold ones, Captain.
Granted.
And procure some Lysol.
The Jolly Joyce still
stinks like dead turtle.
Okay, h-hold still!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
I'm not even touching you.
Oh.
Ow!
Ha-ha-ha! Got it!
Ooh, splinters and blackheads
are my specialty.
Stay away from my nose.
- We'll see about that.
- Hey, hey.
I can't believe I was
out there for six hours.
I sanded off half
my fingerprints.
According to my right hand,
I don't exist.
You know, I've been kicking
around some names for the boat.
Uh, there's the Good
Golly Miss Molly, or,
I like On the Good Ship
Molly-Pop.
Yeah, Vince is calling her
the Jolly Joyce.
Well, that's a stupid name.
No, it's-it's not
ready yet anyway.
We still got to patch
the hull, grease the motor,
Flemish the lines,
and unplug the scuppers.
Ooh, hello, sailor.
Vince is teaching
me all the terms.
I think he likes
passing down the knowledge.
Oh, you're like
the baby boy he never had.
Yeah.
Uh, oh, and he also taught me
that a boat is like a lady.
Remind me to show you
my new sanding technique.
Don't know what that is,
but I think you're gonna
want to rename it.
Boy, we had a blast
out there today.
Hey, did you know that Vince
was in the Merchant Marines?
He lied about his age
so he could join when he was 17.
You know, he's actually
a fascinating man.
How much varnish
did you inhale today?
So much.
There's something sexy
about men in boats.
Well, not those men
and not that boat, but...
you know what I'm saying.
Hey! Is Mike still
out in the garage?
Uh, yeah. He and Vince are
having so much fun,
they're peeing in jugs
so they don't have to come inside.
What's in the bags?
Well, you know how Mike's
birthday's coming up,
so I got him
boat slippers, a boat tie,
and a gravy boat
in the shape of a boat.
You have no idea how hard it is
to get presents for somebody
who has no interests.
From now on,
it's all boats, all the time.
I hope he doesn't
get seasick of it.
Get it?
I do get it,
and so do you.
Happy belated.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
No, it's...
it's a bong.
But I'm glad you did.
I think it's sweet,
the two of them
doing this
little project together.
I thought you hated that boat.
You told Vince
that ship's the last thing
he'll be going down on.
Now it goes back.
Let me tell you
a secret about marriage:
when your husband
wants something,
always say no first.
It's all about give and take.
If they think you're
giving them something,
you can take whatever you want.
It works great for cults
and pyramid schemes too.
Say what you will,
but know what I saw when
they dragged that piece of junk
up the driveway?
Two tickets to Tom Jones.
I've already picked out
the thong I'm gonna throw.
Since when do you
wear underwear?
Funerals, Tom Jones.
Look, I want to go on your boat,
but this thing makes me
look like an idiot.
Can't I just wear
my little arm floaties?
Sorry, man, ship's rules.
Every passenger has
to have their own life vest.
- What about you?
- I'm crew.
I'm not wearing
that ridiculous thing.
Wait till you see
this boat, Carl.
She's a thing of beauty.
I'm telling you,
Vince really knows his stuff.
Yeah, you two have been
getting pretty close
during this little Sea-do re-do.
You know, we have.
And that's the magic
of this boat.
She showed me Vince
in a completely different light,
and I'm proud
to call him my captain.
I'm happy for you.
And for me.
'Bout time you found
somebody else to look up to.
What are you talking about?
Well, in my quiet way,
I've given you
guidance all these years.
Okay, one:
you've never been quiet,
the only thing
you've given me
is a bad case of hemorrhoids.
And I'll always
be there for you, Mike.
Just like your hemorrhoids.
Look, what Vince and I have
is different, you know?
I actually think he kind
of sees me like a son.
Yeah?
That's sweet.
Yeah, if I can make his life
a little happier
by playing along, so be it.
You're a good man, Mike Biggs.
Thank you.
- I taught you well.
- Wear your floaties and your vest,
you're going overboard.
Okay, now bear in mind, it still
needs a little more work.
Got it.
Okay, and I might
have talked it up
a little more than I should've.
- It doesn't look exactly like the boat from Jaws.
- Oh.
You're still gonna buy
a harpoon gun though, aren't you?
Oh, yeah. I don't care
if we never use it,
- it's just gonna look cool.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Here she is.
♪ Ta-da! ♪
That's a great trick,
now make it reappear.
What's going on?
Where is it?
Hey, fellas.
Vince, what the hell happened?
Where's the boat?
Oh, you'll never believe it.
Somebody actually bought
that hunk of junk.
What?
It was the craziest thing.
The mailman's at the box,
he sees the boat.
I give him this whole BS spiel
about taking her out
fishing on Lake Michigan.
Like the one you gave me?
Exactly!
That sucker swallowed it
hook, line, and sinker.
Offered me three times
what I paid for it.
Next thing I know,
the mailman's towing behind
his tiny Jeep.
It-it looked like a little ant
pulling a French fry.
Why didn't you call me?
Well, why would I call you
about me selling my boat?
Because we worked
on it together.
Believe me,
that did not go unnoticed.
You worked hard,
you deserve a tickle.
It's not about the money,
you jackass!
Well, it was just a bunch
of boards and a motor.
What are you getting
so cheesed off about?
Because I'm a bigger sucker
than the mailman.
This is for the bright-orange,
non-refundable life vest.
Okay.
Where's Mike?
Why would you think he was here?
Well, his car's in the driveway,
his shoes are by the door,
and you're holding
a big corner piece of lasagna.
That's pretty much
the smoking gun right there.
Look, I don't know what you
two were fighting about,
but he's right
and you owe him an apology.
We are not fighting.
Well, he's upset
about something.
He marched right upstairs
to his old bedroom
and has been playing records
on his hi-fi ever since.
He's playing records
on his hi-fi?
Is he gonna go
to the sock-hop after that?
He was never invited
to the sock-hop.
It's a damn shame.
He was the best dancer
in that school.
He used to throw me
around like a rag doll.
Please don't give me
those visuals.
Well, if you didn't drive
him back into mama's arms,
what did?
Vince sold his boat.
Mike had a boat?
No, Vi...
No, Vince sold his own boat.
Why would Mikey care
what that salami in a sweat suit
does with his boat?
I think he was looking forward
to going fishing with Vince,
like he used to with his dad.
What the hell are
you talking about?
That rat bastard
never took my boy fishing.
He always promised to,
but the closest he ever came
was dropping Mikey off at
Long John Silver's,
while he went to the booby bar.
Oh, boy, okay.
Mike's gonna really need
this lasagna.
I never liked
that Moranto clown.
Tell Mikey I'll be back.
Where are you going?
To see a man about a boat.
All right, just leave
the lasagna at the door, Ma.
Oh.
- It's me.
- Hey.
How much of that did you see?
Uh...
enough to know I want
to date the drummer.
Very funny.
You okay?
Oh, I'm perfect.
I'm a grown man,
laying in his childhood bed
doing an air drum solo.
No red flags here.
When I'd have a really rough
day in high school,
I'd come up to my room,
I'd slam the door,
and I'd do a really
angry river dance.
I can't believe Vince.
What kind of person
leads someone on like that,
making all sorts of promises
he never planned on keeping?
Yeah.
Kind of sounds like
someone else you know.
Who?
Your father.
Oh, you are way off
on this, okay?
Everything isn't daddy issues.
No, with you it's
mostly mommy issues.
This is kind of
a nice change of pace.
Look, Mol, I promise you,
this-this deal between
me and Vince
has nothing to do
with me and my dad.
Although, they are both liars,
and they both reek
of Aqua Velva.
And they both promised
to take you fishing.
And never did.
Is that why you made up
the stories about your dad?
I guess I just
wanted those to be true.
Sure as hell beats the real one.
Well, I want to hear
the real ones.
What's to say?
I walked in on him one day
and he was packing his suitcase.
I said, "Where you going?"
He said, "I'll be back
tomorrow to take you fishing."
So I woke up early,
and I got my pole,
and I waited for him
on the porch.
But he never came.
Turns out that was the day
that he skipped out on us.
I just sat there
waiting to go fishing,
like a chump.
I guess I'm still waiting.
You know what?
Just saying
that and getting it out...
I feel better.
I don't.
Oh, Molly.
Oh, no, no.
No.
Are you okay?
Well, I mean,
you're just a little boy,
and you're sitting there
with your little
sad fishing pole.
You need a hug?
Does someone need
to river dance?
Maybe later.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Why the hell's
my mom's car on the lawn?
Did you say something to her?
Uh, you know,
we exchanged our usual
pleasantries.
I might've mentioned Vince
and, you know, maybe the boat,
and Vince might've broken
your heart with the boat.
- Oh, God!
- I didn't know!
All the boy wanted to do
was go fishing.
It may not
seem important to you,
but it was important to him.
I know that now.
You made that very clear.
Do you have any idea
how hard it is
to be both mother
and father to him.
I had to teach him how to shave,
and slow dance.
You did a remarkable job
with both those things.
Mike, do you think
you should jump in there?
Eh, she drove
all the way over here.
I don't know.
I've never had kids.
That you know of!
And if you did,
they'd be swimming around
in the shallow end
of the gene pool!
You know what? It's actually
pretty entertaining
when she's not yelling at me.
Mother Biggs, all I did
was sell a boat.
This has nothing
to do with the boat.
This is between you and me.
I-I think you
might be projecting now.
Oh, I'm gonna project you
through that glass cabinet!
- Okay, it's getting violent.
- Oh!
We should get in there.
No, no, no, Mike,
it's just getting good!
I'm gonna rip the last
five hairs out of your head!
Oh, get him!
Hey.
Hey.
Listen, big guy,
I-I've been feeling bad
about the whole boat thing.
Oh, hey, look,
don't worry about it, okay?
I got carried away.
It's over.
I know, but I like the time
we spent together on it.
Hey, I was thinking maybe you
and I could go in the backyard
and toss the ol' pigskin around.
I'm good.
You sure?
'Cause we could do something else.
Mini-golf, a batting cage.
Oh, I saw in the paper
that the Harlem Globetrotters
are in town.
I hear the new Curly's a broad.
Bald head and everything.
Look, Vince, seriously,
you don't have to do all
this, okay?
I'm-I'm fine.
Just let it go.
All right.
I won't bother you.
Enjoy your paper.
Uh, um, I'm gonna take off.
Oh, if Joyce asks,
just tell her I went to DQ
to get a dipped cone.
Ho! Do I know my boy?
Come for that.
All right, now this is
about the ice cream,
and nothing else.
You got it, champ.
And if you lied
about that dipped cone,
you're a dead man.
Come on, please?
No!
I can't sleep.
Now that you told me
you could do it,
it's all I can think about.
Well, it's not gonna happen.
That's not fair.
You walked in on me doing it.
Well, who's fault is that?
You should've locked the door.
Please?
Don't make me beg.
Fine.
If you brag to your friends
about it,
I am never doing it again.
I won't say a word.
Oh my God! It's even cuter
than I thought!
It's actually really cathartic.
the neighbors to let us
piggyback on on to
their garage sale.
They didn't let us.
I just started throwing
crap on their lawn.
They're too polite to say no.
It's the one up-side of having
religious nuts as neighbors.
Mom, just because people
smile and wave at us,
does not make them
religious nuts.
Hmm. Either way, the meek
are about to inherit
a big ball of tangled
Christmas lights.
Well, that's how
we're gonna play it,
let's giveth unto them
Mike's old snow tires.
Gangway!
Starboard!
Starboard!
Starboard!
Starboard!
On my starboard
or your starboard?
Whichever one doesn't crush
my barnacles against the wall!
Guess what I bought
from the religious nuts?
You got to be kidding me, Vin.
I want that eyesore out of here.
Hold on, Joyce.
You got to picture
it all fixed up,
with me on deck in my Speedo,
like Aristotle Onassis.
Couldn't you have stopped him?
You've seen him in that Speedo.
Oh, I tried to
talk him out of it,
but he made
a very good argument.
What?
I get to be first mate.
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
Yeah, I got to admit,
man, I had my doubts,
but this boat is really
starting to shape up.
Even smells better since you
found whatever died in the hull.
I don't know what
that skeleton was,
but the thing
in it's belly was a turtle.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What... what are you
doing over there?
I'm sanding.
You're treating it like
it's a piece of wood.
It is a piece of wood.
No, no, no, a boat
is like a lady,
so you got to touch it
like a lady: gentle.
Front...
to back.
Front...
to back.
I know how to touch a lady.
All right, show me again.
There, nice and easy.
Go with the grain,
make it come alive.
Half the work, twice the reward.
You had me at "half the work."
When we're done,
the Jolly Joyce will be
the prettiest tug on Lake Michigan.
Jolly Joyce.
Those are two words
I'd never put together.
Although it will make it harder
for her to take an ax
to something that's
named after her.
Exactly.
Why do you think so many boats
are named after women?
Not bad.
Not bad. With those
big mitts of yours,
we'll be done in no time.
And then we set sail.
You betcha.
We'll find our own
secret fishing spot
and yank in so many trout,
your grandkids won't even
know the species existed.
I always loved fishing as a kid.
Any sport where you
could sit, really.
Oh, your old man take you out?
All the time.
Some of my best
memories with him.
Well, you and I are going to
make some new memories.
Like the time you ran
and got me that beer.
When was that?
Right now.
Permission to go ashore
and procure us a couple of
cold ones, Captain.
Granted.
And procure some Lysol.
The Jolly Joyce still
stinks like dead turtle.
Okay, h-hold still!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
I'm not even touching you.
Oh.
Ow!
Ha-ha-ha! Got it!
Ooh, splinters and blackheads
are my specialty.
Stay away from my nose.
- We'll see about that.
- Hey, hey.
I can't believe I was
out there for six hours.
I sanded off half
my fingerprints.
According to my right hand,
I don't exist.
You know, I've been kicking
around some names for the boat.
Uh, there's the Good
Golly Miss Molly, or,
I like On the Good Ship
Molly-Pop.
Yeah, Vince is calling her
the Jolly Joyce.
Well, that's a stupid name.
No, it's-it's not
ready yet anyway.
We still got to patch
the hull, grease the motor,
Flemish the lines,
and unplug the scuppers.
Ooh, hello, sailor.
Vince is teaching
me all the terms.
I think he likes
passing down the knowledge.
Oh, you're like
the baby boy he never had.
Yeah.
Uh, oh, and he also taught me
that a boat is like a lady.
Remind me to show you
my new sanding technique.
Don't know what that is,
but I think you're gonna
want to rename it.
Boy, we had a blast
out there today.
Hey, did you know that Vince
was in the Merchant Marines?
He lied about his age
so he could join when he was 17.
You know, he's actually
a fascinating man.
How much varnish
did you inhale today?
So much.
There's something sexy
about men in boats.
Well, not those men
and not that boat, but...
you know what I'm saying.
Hey! Is Mike still
out in the garage?
Uh, yeah. He and Vince are
having so much fun,
they're peeing in jugs
so they don't have to come inside.
What's in the bags?
Well, you know how Mike's
birthday's coming up,
so I got him
boat slippers, a boat tie,
and a gravy boat
in the shape of a boat.
You have no idea how hard it is
to get presents for somebody
who has no interests.
From now on,
it's all boats, all the time.
I hope he doesn't
get seasick of it.
Get it?
I do get it,
and so do you.
Happy belated.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
No, it's...
it's a bong.
But I'm glad you did.
I think it's sweet,
the two of them
doing this
little project together.
I thought you hated that boat.
You told Vince
that ship's the last thing
he'll be going down on.
Now it goes back.
Let me tell you
a secret about marriage:
when your husband
wants something,
always say no first.
It's all about give and take.
If they think you're
giving them something,
you can take whatever you want.
It works great for cults
and pyramid schemes too.
Say what you will,
but know what I saw when
they dragged that piece of junk
up the driveway?
Two tickets to Tom Jones.
I've already picked out
the thong I'm gonna throw.
Since when do you
wear underwear?
Funerals, Tom Jones.
Look, I want to go on your boat,
but this thing makes me
look like an idiot.
Can't I just wear
my little arm floaties?
Sorry, man, ship's rules.
Every passenger has
to have their own life vest.
- What about you?
- I'm crew.
I'm not wearing
that ridiculous thing.
Wait till you see
this boat, Carl.
She's a thing of beauty.
I'm telling you,
Vince really knows his stuff.
Yeah, you two have been
getting pretty close
during this little Sea-do re-do.
You know, we have.
And that's the magic
of this boat.
She showed me Vince
in a completely different light,
and I'm proud
to call him my captain.
I'm happy for you.
And for me.
'Bout time you found
somebody else to look up to.
What are you talking about?
Well, in my quiet way,
I've given you
guidance all these years.
Okay, one:
you've never been quiet,
the only thing
you've given me
is a bad case of hemorrhoids.
And I'll always
be there for you, Mike.
Just like your hemorrhoids.
Look, what Vince and I have
is different, you know?
I actually think he kind
of sees me like a son.
Yeah?
That's sweet.
Yeah, if I can make his life
a little happier
by playing along, so be it.
You're a good man, Mike Biggs.
Thank you.
- I taught you well.
- Wear your floaties and your vest,
you're going overboard.
Okay, now bear in mind, it still
needs a little more work.
Got it.
Okay, and I might
have talked it up
a little more than I should've.
- It doesn't look exactly like the boat from Jaws.
- Oh.
You're still gonna buy
a harpoon gun though, aren't you?
Oh, yeah. I don't care
if we never use it,
- it's just gonna look cool.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Here she is.
♪ Ta-da! ♪
That's a great trick,
now make it reappear.
What's going on?
Where is it?
Hey, fellas.
Vince, what the hell happened?
Where's the boat?
Oh, you'll never believe it.
Somebody actually bought
that hunk of junk.
What?
It was the craziest thing.
The mailman's at the box,
he sees the boat.
I give him this whole BS spiel
about taking her out
fishing on Lake Michigan.
Like the one you gave me?
Exactly!
That sucker swallowed it
hook, line, and sinker.
Offered me three times
what I paid for it.
Next thing I know,
the mailman's towing behind
his tiny Jeep.
It-it looked like a little ant
pulling a French fry.
Why didn't you call me?
Well, why would I call you
about me selling my boat?
Because we worked
on it together.
Believe me,
that did not go unnoticed.
You worked hard,
you deserve a tickle.
It's not about the money,
you jackass!
Well, it was just a bunch
of boards and a motor.
What are you getting
so cheesed off about?
Because I'm a bigger sucker
than the mailman.
This is for the bright-orange,
non-refundable life vest.
Okay.
Where's Mike?
Why would you think he was here?
Well, his car's in the driveway,
his shoes are by the door,
and you're holding
a big corner piece of lasagna.
That's pretty much
the smoking gun right there.
Look, I don't know what you
two were fighting about,
but he's right
and you owe him an apology.
We are not fighting.
Well, he's upset
about something.
He marched right upstairs
to his old bedroom
and has been playing records
on his hi-fi ever since.
He's playing records
on his hi-fi?
Is he gonna go
to the sock-hop after that?
He was never invited
to the sock-hop.
It's a damn shame.
He was the best dancer
in that school.
He used to throw me
around like a rag doll.
Please don't give me
those visuals.
Well, if you didn't drive
him back into mama's arms,
what did?
Vince sold his boat.
Mike had a boat?
No, Vi...
No, Vince sold his own boat.
Why would Mikey care
what that salami in a sweat suit
does with his boat?
I think he was looking forward
to going fishing with Vince,
like he used to with his dad.
What the hell are
you talking about?
That rat bastard
never took my boy fishing.
He always promised to,
but the closest he ever came
was dropping Mikey off at
Long John Silver's,
while he went to the booby bar.
Oh, boy, okay.
Mike's gonna really need
this lasagna.
I never liked
that Moranto clown.
Tell Mikey I'll be back.
Where are you going?
To see a man about a boat.
All right, just leave
the lasagna at the door, Ma.
Oh.
- It's me.
- Hey.
How much of that did you see?
Uh...
enough to know I want
to date the drummer.
Very funny.
You okay?
Oh, I'm perfect.
I'm a grown man,
laying in his childhood bed
doing an air drum solo.
No red flags here.
When I'd have a really rough
day in high school,
I'd come up to my room,
I'd slam the door,
and I'd do a really
angry river dance.
I can't believe Vince.
What kind of person
leads someone on like that,
making all sorts of promises
he never planned on keeping?
Yeah.
Kind of sounds like
someone else you know.
Who?
Your father.
Oh, you are way off
on this, okay?
Everything isn't daddy issues.
No, with you it's
mostly mommy issues.
This is kind of
a nice change of pace.
Look, Mol, I promise you,
this-this deal between
me and Vince
has nothing to do
with me and my dad.
Although, they are both liars,
and they both reek
of Aqua Velva.
And they both promised
to take you fishing.
And never did.
Is that why you made up
the stories about your dad?
I guess I just
wanted those to be true.
Sure as hell beats the real one.
Well, I want to hear
the real ones.
What's to say?
I walked in on him one day
and he was packing his suitcase.
I said, "Where you going?"
He said, "I'll be back
tomorrow to take you fishing."
So I woke up early,
and I got my pole,
and I waited for him
on the porch.
But he never came.
Turns out that was the day
that he skipped out on us.
I just sat there
waiting to go fishing,
like a chump.
I guess I'm still waiting.
You know what?
Just saying
that and getting it out...
I feel better.
I don't.
Oh, Molly.
Oh, no, no.
No.
Are you okay?
Well, I mean,
you're just a little boy,
and you're sitting there
with your little
sad fishing pole.
You need a hug?
Does someone need
to river dance?
Maybe later.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Why the hell's
my mom's car on the lawn?
Did you say something to her?
Uh, you know,
we exchanged our usual
pleasantries.
I might've mentioned Vince
and, you know, maybe the boat,
and Vince might've broken
your heart with the boat.
- Oh, God!
- I didn't know!
All the boy wanted to do
was go fishing.
It may not
seem important to you,
but it was important to him.
I know that now.
You made that very clear.
Do you have any idea
how hard it is
to be both mother
and father to him.
I had to teach him how to shave,
and slow dance.
You did a remarkable job
with both those things.
Mike, do you think
you should jump in there?
Eh, she drove
all the way over here.
I don't know.
I've never had kids.
That you know of!
And if you did,
they'd be swimming around
in the shallow end
of the gene pool!
You know what? It's actually
pretty entertaining
when she's not yelling at me.
Mother Biggs, all I did
was sell a boat.
This has nothing
to do with the boat.
This is between you and me.
I-I think you
might be projecting now.
Oh, I'm gonna project you
through that glass cabinet!
- Okay, it's getting violent.
- Oh!
We should get in there.
No, no, no, Mike,
it's just getting good!
I'm gonna rip the last
five hairs out of your head!
Oh, get him!
Hey.
Hey.
Listen, big guy,
I-I've been feeling bad
about the whole boat thing.
Oh, hey, look,
don't worry about it, okay?
I got carried away.
It's over.
I know, but I like the time
we spent together on it.
Hey, I was thinking maybe you
and I could go in the backyard
and toss the ol' pigskin around.
I'm good.
You sure?
'Cause we could do something else.
Mini-golf, a batting cage.
Oh, I saw in the paper
that the Harlem Globetrotters
are in town.
I hear the new Curly's a broad.
Bald head and everything.
Look, Vince, seriously,
you don't have to do all
this, okay?
I'm-I'm fine.
Just let it go.
All right.
I won't bother you.
Enjoy your paper.
Uh, um, I'm gonna take off.
Oh, if Joyce asks,
just tell her I went to DQ
to get a dipped cone.
Ho! Do I know my boy?
Come for that.
All right, now this is
about the ice cream,
and nothing else.
You got it, champ.
And if you lied
about that dipped cone,
you're a dead man.
Come on, please?
No!
I can't sleep.
Now that you told me
you could do it,
it's all I can think about.
Well, it's not gonna happen.
That's not fair.
You walked in on me doing it.
Well, who's fault is that?
You should've locked the door.
Please?
Don't make me beg.
Fine.
If you brag to your friends
about it,
I am never doing it again.
I won't say a word.
Oh my God! It's even cuter
than I thought!
It's actually really cathartic.