Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 6, Episode 7 - Weekend with Birdie - full transcript
Officers responding for backup,
arriving at the scene.
All right, all right,
stand down.
We got this covered.
This is why you two boys
called for immediate backup?
Two adorable ladies
having a pillow fight?
Hey, you weren't here.
It was like Ali-Frazier,
if Ali cheated on Frazier
with the UPS girl.
What? These two little peanuts?
Aw. Who won?
Polly Pocket
or Strawberry Shortcake?
You want some, too, bitch?!
Man, control your suspect!
All right, get 'em out of here.
We'll secure the area.
Uh, you sure you two can
handle an empty apartment?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You heard him, Ramirez.
Housekeeping will
take it from here.
Hey, hey!
Put some mints on the pillow.
You know, I am getting
a little sick
of Seely always acting like
he's better than us. Yeah.
I mean, just 'cause you get
a commendation from the mayor
and back-to-back
marksmanship awards
doesn't mean
you're a better cop.
It kind of does.
Is that your stomach?
I don't know.
Still can't tell.
Shh. I think it's coming
from that closet.
I'll be damned.
I always thought
lesbians were cat people.
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ La,
la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
Who put this dribble of milk
back in the fridge?
Don't look at me.
I'm off White Russians.
I'm sorry, I can't stand
jug-bottom milk.
Same with the heels
of the bread.
They're nothing
but the ass cheeks of the loaf.
Aw, my baby's got
a picky tummy.
Oh! Joyce, please.
I'm full of milk.
The saddest thing
happened at work today.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
Would a thimbleful of milk
help you?
Unfortunately, no.
There was a domestic disturbance
and both parties ended up
getting taken into custody,
and the cutest little dog
you have ever seen
got left behind.
Aw. Aw.
I don't like where this is going.
I know how you feel
about dogs, Joyce,
so I took her to the shelter
and left her there.
Poor thing.
Yeah.
That better be your stomach.
Did I mention that this story
has a happy ending?
Oh!
I had to go back
and get her.
Look at that face.
Look at this face. No.
I don't want a dog
in this house.
Come on, it's just
for a couple of days
until her mommies post bail.
And they had
outstanding warrants
for receiving stolen property,
didn't they?
Yes, they did.
Oh, what a sweet
little princess.
Do you know her name?
Birdie.
Oh! Hello, Birdie.
Oh.
Well, maybe
she doesn't like women.
She has two moms.
Joyce, can we keep the dog,
please?
We'll walk her,
we'll feed her,
and if she craps in the yard,
I'll flick it over the fence
to the neighbor's.
Hey, she won't be any trouble.
I promise.
Pretty please...
Oh, all right.
But I don't want to see it,
I don't want to smell it,
and keep her off
of the furniture.
Same deal I had when
she brought you home.
I'll make her up a little bed.
Uh, I got one out in the car.
Come on.
You know what I think?
I think you and I
are gonna be best pals.
Best pals, I can tell already.
You want to go in the kitchen
with me and get some bacon?
Huh?
Let's go into the kitchen
and get some bacon.
Well, that's the kitchen.
You don't know,
but I'm gonna go get you
some bacon.
Okay, Mom, keep an eye on her.
I'm gonna get her some bacon.
She's a little standoffish.
My wine.
My wine!
No...
Oh!
Mike...
What? What happened?
Are you okay, girl?
Your "girl" just kicked me
out of bed.
What is she doing in here?
Oh, I went down to check
on her in her crate,
and I couldn't stand
to see the poor thing
locked up behind bars.
You're a cop, you lock
people up every day.
Yeah, people.
Not pretty girls who like
their bellies rubbed.
If she's gonna stay,
then she's got to move over.
Come on.
Come on, ro... move over.
Come on.
Come...
Come on...
come on...
Seriously?
All right, how about, uh,
I sleep in the middle
and I'll spoon her
and then you spoon me.
All right.
Obviously, she wants
some alone time with you.
Never thought I'd lose you
to somebody named Birdie.
Just for the weekend.
Oh, boy,
somebody has awful breath.
Don't worry. Tomorrow,
you can use my toothbrush.
Oh, look at this one.
She's just sitting on the floor.
Just sitting there.
On the floor.
Isn't that cute?
It's adorable.
Just like the last ten pictures
you showed me,
and the two-minute video of her
drinking out of the toilet.
She opened the lid
and everything, by herself.
This dog is smart, Carl.
Scary smart.
You know, for something
that you got to return
in a couple of days,
don't you think
you might be getting
a little too attached to it?
Okay, first of all,
that "something" has a name.
Birdie.
And yes,
I have fallen hard for her.
So, please, let me just enjoy
what little time we have left.
All right.
I know better
than to get between a man
and someone else's dog.
You know, when Molly and me
finally move into our own place,
the first thing I'm gonna do?
Buy a puppy.
Yeah, well, hopefully
that one won't hate Molly.
I don't know what that is.
Birdie loves everyone.
Even Joyce, who growls every time
the poor pooch walks by.
Well, you know,
dogs are very intuitive.
You know? They can
sense things we can't
and know things about
people... we don't.
What are you trying to say, Carl?
I'm just saying,
how much do we really
know about this Molly?
The only thing she hides
from me are Visa bills.
Unless Birdie can sniff out
bad credit, you're crazy.
All right.
But Birdie's onto something.
You might have married yourself
a cat person.
Don't you dare say that!
What's wrong with a cat?
They're jerks.
And they don't care who knows it.
Because they're jerks.
Yeah, but see,
that's why I like 'em.
You know?
Make you earn their love.
Might have something
to do with my low self-esteem,
but I do enjoy
a standoffish kitty.
As long as she's not
a bird person.
Now, those people, they're just weird.
Mmm.
Look at this one.
Oh, no, that's Vince's head.
I can't believe the sweater fit.
I told you.
Made that when you were
just six months old.
You outgrew it in a week.
Look at her.
Look at the boss.
You are just a lovebug.
You're gonna have to come spend
a weekend at Grandma's,
so I can spoil you rotten.
Well, don't get too attached.
Remember, I gotta take her back
in a couple days.
Oh...
Can we not talk about Birdie leaving, please?
You're getting her
all worked up.
Mike, look what Birdie
did to my shoe.
Oh, no.
Did she eat some leather?
Are you okay, girl?
Oh, I'll grab her some charcoal.
We'll-we'll get her to throw up.
Wait, what are we going
to do about this?
Well, maybe not leave
your clodhoppers laying around.
Poor baby could have choked
on that ugly shoe.
We should puppy-proof
the whole house.
Any mistake she makes
is really our fault.
Or maybe we could
leave her in the crate
while we're not watching her,
like we talked about.
You can't put her in a crate.
That's cruel.
It's not cruel.
It's a dog crate.
It's a crate specifically made
to put a dog into.
People also put dogs in sacks
and toss them in the river.
Should we do that, too?
Oh, my God!
I'm not saying kill the dog.
Mike, back me up here.
Ma, I won't let her
kill the dog.
I... no!
I have never said kill the dog!
I'm just trying
to keep this mutt
from chewing her way
through my entire closet.
You stay out of this.
Just asking, if this was a cat,
would you feel differently?
What?
I'm gonna take her outside
until this one stops screaming.
I'm not scr...!
I am not screaming.
Boy, treat a poor dog like this,
I guess we can see
what kind of mother you'd be.
She's not allowed
back in the house
until she learns how to behave.
The dog?
Her, too.
Well, Birdie's in her crate.
Her cold, dark crate.
Mike, she's gonna be fine.
She's got a heating pad
and a blanket,
plus Vince is sleeping next
to her on the kitchen floor.
I know, it's just gonna be weird
to be in this bed all alone.
I'm right here.
You know what I mean.
Fine, I'll try to snore.
You can scratch my tummy.
Try to snore?
You know that just because
I'm putting her in a crate
doesn't mean somehow, you know,
I'm gonna be a bad mother.
Nobody's saying that.
Your mother said exactly that.
And she's got some nerve
after all the stuff
she did to you.
Hey, she's a good mom.
Mike.
It's me.
When you were a baby,
your car seat
was a laundry basket.
It was safe.
She wedged me in with towels.
I rest my case.
Oh, all right, well,
how about your mom?
She's not exactly perfect.
I didn't say she was perfect,
but I think she did
a pretty darn good job.
Molly, come on.
It's me.
She soaked your teething rag
in whiskey.
And I never felt
a single tooth come in,
plus I was sleeping
through the night at six weeks.
Yeah, 'cause she didn't want
to deal with you.
Well, better to be ignored
than smothered.
What are you talking about?
Your mom can't stand
to be away from you.
She wanted to go with us
on our honeymoon.
She had never been to Paris.
Well, maybe you should take her
for our anniversary.
You know what,
I think Birdie
might be right about you.
You're not very nice.
Where you going?
I'm gonna go snuggle
with my best gal.
Oh, I thought your mom
already left.
I've been
nothing but nice to you!
I'm telling Mom you were
on the couch.
Oh, leave her.
She's sweet.
When did you turn?
When I realized she looks
exactly like Vince.
That's who it is.
They got the same underbite
and everything.
All I know is, I don't care
if a dog likes me,
because I like me.
Well, I like you, too.
But why doesn't
that dog like me?
Why are you letting this
get to you?
Because it's like when you pick
up a baby and it starts crying.
It makes you start thinking
there's something wrong
with you.
Ugh. I know what you mean.
You two cried
all the time when I held you.
At first, I thought it was me.
Then I realized
it was the cigarette smoke.
You smoked around us?
Not after that.
I just held you less.
God, you were needy babies.
Isn't that the deal with babies?
They kind of need stuff from ya?
Oh, yeah.
They're a real pain in the ass.
But that's the job.
You know, keep the kids alive
till they become interesting.
Why did you even have us?
It's what people did back then.
You know,
like feathering your hair
or littering on the expressway.
Important thing is,
I love you now.
Should we believe her?
What choice do we have?
Kraft Singles
and a jar of applesauce?
That is the saddest lunch
I've ever seen.
Yeah, Birdie ate my first lunch
off the counter.
It was so cute,
but she's gonna have trouble
passing that sandwich bag.
So, now, are you gonna dip
the cheese in the applesauce
or roll the applesauce
in the cheese like a burrito?
You sound interested.
You want to trade
for half your lunch?
Sure. I got quinoa salad
with tuna.
I'm good.
Mikey!
Hey!
Ma, what are you doing here?
I was across the street
at the Sam's Club.
You bent over the other night,
and I saw
you might need new briefs.
Ma, you didn't
have to do that...
here at work.
Of course I did.
I wanted to make sure they fit.
Hey, Ma, while you're here,
not for nothing,
but next time
you're over at the house,
try not to say horrible things
to my wife.
What are you talking about?
That shot you made about
what kind of mother she'd be.
She knew what I meant.
What'd you mean?
That she'd be a horrible mother.
I don't know how
she'd take that wrong.
Look, Molly's gonna make
a great mom.
It's not her fault that she hasn't
had the best example.
That's true.
They don't have the kind
of relationship that we have.
Right. Ah, darn it.
Ooh, here, give me that.
You're making a mess. Ugh.
I guess I'm just gonna
have to step up
and try to be more
of a role model for her.
Yeah, show her what a healthy,
mother-child
relationship should be.
I wouldn't show that to anyone.
Wait, wait.
Do the airplane.
Okay, let's go over this
one more time.
When I say "Joyce," you do what?
Joyce!
Good girl.
And when I say,
"Good-bye, honey!"
Ah, good girl!
Mike was right... you are smart.
Hey. Hi.
I'm glad you're both here.
I got some bad news.
Birdie's moms
made bail this morning.
They want her back tonight.
Oh. There's nothing
you could do?
You're a cop.
You're above the law.
Plant something on 'em.
It's already done. Look, we knew
this day was gonna come.
We could say the dog ran away.
I'll take her, lay low
till things cool off.
You get a dog
that looks just like Birdie,
run her over with
your car a few times...
Vince!
I'm sorry!
I'm spinning out here!
What's going on?
We got to take the dog back.
I'm sorry.
Are you?
Yes!
Are you?!
Yes!
All right!
We're all a little raw
right now.
Vince, grab her stuff,
and I'll meet you in the car.
I can't do it.
It's too painful.
Well, I can't do it either.
Give me the leash.
Wa-Wa-Wait. What-what are
you gonna do to her?
She already hates me.
I'll do it.
She'll probably be happy
to get away from me.
Thank you.
Okay, well, I guess this is it.
You-you got to go home now.
We can't keep you anymore.
I'm... Oh, I'm gonna
miss you so much.
Oh, cut it out!
You're making this harder
than it is.
Now-now go on!
Go on, you big dummy.
Go home!
I should go check on him.
He's a mess.
Boy, you got those two wrapped
around your fat little paw.
Look, I don't know
what your problem is with me,
but whatever vibe you think
you're picking up, you're wrong.
I'm a nice person.
Just because we didn't connect,
you know,
doesn't mean
that I'm unloving or-or cold.
I mean, maybe it's you.
Maybe-maybe this is something
that you've got to work through.
I mean, we all, you know,
have to work through some stuff.
I mean,
judgmental mother-in-law or
not-good-as-you-thought mothers.
But, I mean, thinking
that I'm not gonna be a good mother
because a dog doesn't like me?
Please.
It doesn't bother me at all.
Ooh!
Watch it, jackass!
You all right? Huh?
Oh! Are you giving me kisses?
Are you giving me kisses?
Yes, you are.
I knew you liked me.
Oh!
Oh!
No! That's a...
I'm not gonna tell Mike.
I'm not gonna tell Mike that.
Oh.
I'm gonna be an amazing mother.
Oh. I knew it.
I knew it.
I'm telling you, Mike,
it broke my heart giving Birdie
back to her owners, but
in the end, I think
she might have loved me
even a little bit more
than she loved you.
Of course she did.
Everybody does.
Yeah, except your mother.
Ah, don't listen to her.
She's nuts.
Mine preferred Virginia
Slims over babies.
They mean well.
Do they?
I can't tell anymore.
Do you think our own kids
are gonna think we're crazy?
If we do our jobs right.
Oh!
Oh.
I miss Birdie.
She'll be fine.
arriving at the scene.
All right, all right,
stand down.
We got this covered.
This is why you two boys
called for immediate backup?
Two adorable ladies
having a pillow fight?
Hey, you weren't here.
It was like Ali-Frazier,
if Ali cheated on Frazier
with the UPS girl.
What? These two little peanuts?
Aw. Who won?
Polly Pocket
or Strawberry Shortcake?
You want some, too, bitch?!
Man, control your suspect!
All right, get 'em out of here.
We'll secure the area.
Uh, you sure you two can
handle an empty apartment?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You heard him, Ramirez.
Housekeeping will
take it from here.
Hey, hey!
Put some mints on the pillow.
You know, I am getting
a little sick
of Seely always acting like
he's better than us. Yeah.
I mean, just 'cause you get
a commendation from the mayor
and back-to-back
marksmanship awards
doesn't mean
you're a better cop.
It kind of does.
Is that your stomach?
I don't know.
Still can't tell.
Shh. I think it's coming
from that closet.
I'll be damned.
I always thought
lesbians were cat people.
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ La,
la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
Who put this dribble of milk
back in the fridge?
Don't look at me.
I'm off White Russians.
I'm sorry, I can't stand
jug-bottom milk.
Same with the heels
of the bread.
They're nothing
but the ass cheeks of the loaf.
Aw, my baby's got
a picky tummy.
Oh! Joyce, please.
I'm full of milk.
The saddest thing
happened at work today.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
Would a thimbleful of milk
help you?
Unfortunately, no.
There was a domestic disturbance
and both parties ended up
getting taken into custody,
and the cutest little dog
you have ever seen
got left behind.
Aw. Aw.
I don't like where this is going.
I know how you feel
about dogs, Joyce,
so I took her to the shelter
and left her there.
Poor thing.
Yeah.
That better be your stomach.
Did I mention that this story
has a happy ending?
Oh!
I had to go back
and get her.
Look at that face.
Look at this face. No.
I don't want a dog
in this house.
Come on, it's just
for a couple of days
until her mommies post bail.
And they had
outstanding warrants
for receiving stolen property,
didn't they?
Yes, they did.
Oh, what a sweet
little princess.
Do you know her name?
Birdie.
Oh! Hello, Birdie.
Oh.
Well, maybe
she doesn't like women.
She has two moms.
Joyce, can we keep the dog,
please?
We'll walk her,
we'll feed her,
and if she craps in the yard,
I'll flick it over the fence
to the neighbor's.
Hey, she won't be any trouble.
I promise.
Pretty please...
Oh, all right.
But I don't want to see it,
I don't want to smell it,
and keep her off
of the furniture.
Same deal I had when
she brought you home.
I'll make her up a little bed.
Uh, I got one out in the car.
Come on.
You know what I think?
I think you and I
are gonna be best pals.
Best pals, I can tell already.
You want to go in the kitchen
with me and get some bacon?
Huh?
Let's go into the kitchen
and get some bacon.
Well, that's the kitchen.
You don't know,
but I'm gonna go get you
some bacon.
Okay, Mom, keep an eye on her.
I'm gonna get her some bacon.
She's a little standoffish.
My wine.
My wine!
No...
Oh!
Mike...
What? What happened?
Are you okay, girl?
Your "girl" just kicked me
out of bed.
What is she doing in here?
Oh, I went down to check
on her in her crate,
and I couldn't stand
to see the poor thing
locked up behind bars.
You're a cop, you lock
people up every day.
Yeah, people.
Not pretty girls who like
their bellies rubbed.
If she's gonna stay,
then she's got to move over.
Come on.
Come on, ro... move over.
Come on.
Come...
Come on...
come on...
Seriously?
All right, how about, uh,
I sleep in the middle
and I'll spoon her
and then you spoon me.
All right.
Obviously, she wants
some alone time with you.
Never thought I'd lose you
to somebody named Birdie.
Just for the weekend.
Oh, boy,
somebody has awful breath.
Don't worry. Tomorrow,
you can use my toothbrush.
Oh, look at this one.
She's just sitting on the floor.
Just sitting there.
On the floor.
Isn't that cute?
It's adorable.
Just like the last ten pictures
you showed me,
and the two-minute video of her
drinking out of the toilet.
She opened the lid
and everything, by herself.
This dog is smart, Carl.
Scary smart.
You know, for something
that you got to return
in a couple of days,
don't you think
you might be getting
a little too attached to it?
Okay, first of all,
that "something" has a name.
Birdie.
And yes,
I have fallen hard for her.
So, please, let me just enjoy
what little time we have left.
All right.
I know better
than to get between a man
and someone else's dog.
You know, when Molly and me
finally move into our own place,
the first thing I'm gonna do?
Buy a puppy.
Yeah, well, hopefully
that one won't hate Molly.
I don't know what that is.
Birdie loves everyone.
Even Joyce, who growls every time
the poor pooch walks by.
Well, you know,
dogs are very intuitive.
You know? They can
sense things we can't
and know things about
people... we don't.
What are you trying to say, Carl?
I'm just saying,
how much do we really
know about this Molly?
The only thing she hides
from me are Visa bills.
Unless Birdie can sniff out
bad credit, you're crazy.
All right.
But Birdie's onto something.
You might have married yourself
a cat person.
Don't you dare say that!
What's wrong with a cat?
They're jerks.
And they don't care who knows it.
Because they're jerks.
Yeah, but see,
that's why I like 'em.
You know?
Make you earn their love.
Might have something
to do with my low self-esteem,
but I do enjoy
a standoffish kitty.
As long as she's not
a bird person.
Now, those people, they're just weird.
Mmm.
Look at this one.
Oh, no, that's Vince's head.
I can't believe the sweater fit.
I told you.
Made that when you were
just six months old.
You outgrew it in a week.
Look at her.
Look at the boss.
You are just a lovebug.
You're gonna have to come spend
a weekend at Grandma's,
so I can spoil you rotten.
Well, don't get too attached.
Remember, I gotta take her back
in a couple days.
Oh...
Can we not talk about Birdie leaving, please?
You're getting her
all worked up.
Mike, look what Birdie
did to my shoe.
Oh, no.
Did she eat some leather?
Are you okay, girl?
Oh, I'll grab her some charcoal.
We'll-we'll get her to throw up.
Wait, what are we going
to do about this?
Well, maybe not leave
your clodhoppers laying around.
Poor baby could have choked
on that ugly shoe.
We should puppy-proof
the whole house.
Any mistake she makes
is really our fault.
Or maybe we could
leave her in the crate
while we're not watching her,
like we talked about.
You can't put her in a crate.
That's cruel.
It's not cruel.
It's a dog crate.
It's a crate specifically made
to put a dog into.
People also put dogs in sacks
and toss them in the river.
Should we do that, too?
Oh, my God!
I'm not saying kill the dog.
Mike, back me up here.
Ma, I won't let her
kill the dog.
I... no!
I have never said kill the dog!
I'm just trying
to keep this mutt
from chewing her way
through my entire closet.
You stay out of this.
Just asking, if this was a cat,
would you feel differently?
What?
I'm gonna take her outside
until this one stops screaming.
I'm not scr...!
I am not screaming.
Boy, treat a poor dog like this,
I guess we can see
what kind of mother you'd be.
She's not allowed
back in the house
until she learns how to behave.
The dog?
Her, too.
Well, Birdie's in her crate.
Her cold, dark crate.
Mike, she's gonna be fine.
She's got a heating pad
and a blanket,
plus Vince is sleeping next
to her on the kitchen floor.
I know, it's just gonna be weird
to be in this bed all alone.
I'm right here.
You know what I mean.
Fine, I'll try to snore.
You can scratch my tummy.
Try to snore?
You know that just because
I'm putting her in a crate
doesn't mean somehow, you know,
I'm gonna be a bad mother.
Nobody's saying that.
Your mother said exactly that.
And she's got some nerve
after all the stuff
she did to you.
Hey, she's a good mom.
Mike.
It's me.
When you were a baby,
your car seat
was a laundry basket.
It was safe.
She wedged me in with towels.
I rest my case.
Oh, all right, well,
how about your mom?
She's not exactly perfect.
I didn't say she was perfect,
but I think she did
a pretty darn good job.
Molly, come on.
It's me.
She soaked your teething rag
in whiskey.
And I never felt
a single tooth come in,
plus I was sleeping
through the night at six weeks.
Yeah, 'cause she didn't want
to deal with you.
Well, better to be ignored
than smothered.
What are you talking about?
Your mom can't stand
to be away from you.
She wanted to go with us
on our honeymoon.
She had never been to Paris.
Well, maybe you should take her
for our anniversary.
You know what,
I think Birdie
might be right about you.
You're not very nice.
Where you going?
I'm gonna go snuggle
with my best gal.
Oh, I thought your mom
already left.
I've been
nothing but nice to you!
I'm telling Mom you were
on the couch.
Oh, leave her.
She's sweet.
When did you turn?
When I realized she looks
exactly like Vince.
That's who it is.
They got the same underbite
and everything.
All I know is, I don't care
if a dog likes me,
because I like me.
Well, I like you, too.
But why doesn't
that dog like me?
Why are you letting this
get to you?
Because it's like when you pick
up a baby and it starts crying.
It makes you start thinking
there's something wrong
with you.
Ugh. I know what you mean.
You two cried
all the time when I held you.
At first, I thought it was me.
Then I realized
it was the cigarette smoke.
You smoked around us?
Not after that.
I just held you less.
God, you were needy babies.
Isn't that the deal with babies?
They kind of need stuff from ya?
Oh, yeah.
They're a real pain in the ass.
But that's the job.
You know, keep the kids alive
till they become interesting.
Why did you even have us?
It's what people did back then.
You know,
like feathering your hair
or littering on the expressway.
Important thing is,
I love you now.
Should we believe her?
What choice do we have?
Kraft Singles
and a jar of applesauce?
That is the saddest lunch
I've ever seen.
Yeah, Birdie ate my first lunch
off the counter.
It was so cute,
but she's gonna have trouble
passing that sandwich bag.
So, now, are you gonna dip
the cheese in the applesauce
or roll the applesauce
in the cheese like a burrito?
You sound interested.
You want to trade
for half your lunch?
Sure. I got quinoa salad
with tuna.
I'm good.
Mikey!
Hey!
Ma, what are you doing here?
I was across the street
at the Sam's Club.
You bent over the other night,
and I saw
you might need new briefs.
Ma, you didn't
have to do that...
here at work.
Of course I did.
I wanted to make sure they fit.
Hey, Ma, while you're here,
not for nothing,
but next time
you're over at the house,
try not to say horrible things
to my wife.
What are you talking about?
That shot you made about
what kind of mother she'd be.
She knew what I meant.
What'd you mean?
That she'd be a horrible mother.
I don't know how
she'd take that wrong.
Look, Molly's gonna make
a great mom.
It's not her fault that she hasn't
had the best example.
That's true.
They don't have the kind
of relationship that we have.
Right. Ah, darn it.
Ooh, here, give me that.
You're making a mess. Ugh.
I guess I'm just gonna
have to step up
and try to be more
of a role model for her.
Yeah, show her what a healthy,
mother-child
relationship should be.
I wouldn't show that to anyone.
Wait, wait.
Do the airplane.
Okay, let's go over this
one more time.
When I say "Joyce," you do what?
Joyce!
Good girl.
And when I say,
"Good-bye, honey!"
Ah, good girl!
Mike was right... you are smart.
Hey. Hi.
I'm glad you're both here.
I got some bad news.
Birdie's moms
made bail this morning.
They want her back tonight.
Oh. There's nothing
you could do?
You're a cop.
You're above the law.
Plant something on 'em.
It's already done. Look, we knew
this day was gonna come.
We could say the dog ran away.
I'll take her, lay low
till things cool off.
You get a dog
that looks just like Birdie,
run her over with
your car a few times...
Vince!
I'm sorry!
I'm spinning out here!
What's going on?
We got to take the dog back.
I'm sorry.
Are you?
Yes!
Are you?!
Yes!
All right!
We're all a little raw
right now.
Vince, grab her stuff,
and I'll meet you in the car.
I can't do it.
It's too painful.
Well, I can't do it either.
Give me the leash.
Wa-Wa-Wait. What-what are
you gonna do to her?
She already hates me.
I'll do it.
She'll probably be happy
to get away from me.
Thank you.
Okay, well, I guess this is it.
You-you got to go home now.
We can't keep you anymore.
I'm... Oh, I'm gonna
miss you so much.
Oh, cut it out!
You're making this harder
than it is.
Now-now go on!
Go on, you big dummy.
Go home!
I should go check on him.
He's a mess.
Boy, you got those two wrapped
around your fat little paw.
Look, I don't know
what your problem is with me,
but whatever vibe you think
you're picking up, you're wrong.
I'm a nice person.
Just because we didn't connect,
you know,
doesn't mean
that I'm unloving or-or cold.
I mean, maybe it's you.
Maybe-maybe this is something
that you've got to work through.
I mean, we all, you know,
have to work through some stuff.
I mean,
judgmental mother-in-law or
not-good-as-you-thought mothers.
But, I mean, thinking
that I'm not gonna be a good mother
because a dog doesn't like me?
Please.
It doesn't bother me at all.
Ooh!
Watch it, jackass!
You all right? Huh?
Oh! Are you giving me kisses?
Are you giving me kisses?
Yes, you are.
I knew you liked me.
Oh!
Oh!
No! That's a...
I'm not gonna tell Mike.
I'm not gonna tell Mike that.
Oh.
I'm gonna be an amazing mother.
Oh. I knew it.
I knew it.
I'm telling you, Mike,
it broke my heart giving Birdie
back to her owners, but
in the end, I think
she might have loved me
even a little bit more
than she loved you.
Of course she did.
Everybody does.
Yeah, except your mother.
Ah, don't listen to her.
She's nuts.
Mine preferred Virginia
Slims over babies.
They mean well.
Do they?
I can't tell anymore.
Do you think our own kids
are gonna think we're crazy?
If we do our jobs right.
Oh!
Oh.
I miss Birdie.
She'll be fine.