Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 6, Episode 6 - The Good Wife - full transcript

Hi.

Did you have
a good day, darling?

No, I did not.

It is a free-for-all out there.

The homeless are brawling
with the runaways.

The pickpockets are
fighting with the jaywalkers.

Even the hookers are surly,
and they're paid to be nice.

You know what that is?

Mercury is in retrograde.

What the hell does that mean?

You're gonna have to ask Joyce.



All I know is I can't touch her
till the new moon.

Well, thanks for the heads up.

What's for dinner?

Gals have been out all day.

You're on your own.

Again?!
Yep.

I went with a handful of peanuts
and a can of beets.

Remind me of that tomorrow

if you hear me
freaking out in the bathroom.

You know, I never said a word

when Molly was writing her book
and I had to fend for myself.

Like an animal.
Like an animal!

But I can't remember the last
time she's written anything.

Keeps saying she's gotta
recharge her batteries.



I'm starting
to think that's code for:

"You're on your own, chump."

What code? That's literally what
Joyce said to me on her way out.

I don't believe you!
Hey, honey.

Ah, look who's back.

I'm glad you're here.

What would be the coolest thing

for the Flynn girls
to come home with?

Dinner.

Nope!

Ta-da!

Where did that come from?

34th and Flynn.

Now it's just 34th.

Ah, I'm glad you guys
had a good time

vandalizing the city
that I work all day to protect.

We did. Thank you
for your service.

Did you get any writing done?

As a matter of fact, no.

I tried, I failed, I drank,
but tomorrow's another day,

or the day after that.

You can't really rush
these things.

Can't you?

What?

Well, if you hit another wall
with your writing tomorrow,

maybe, instead of
running around town

with the good time girls,
you could, I don't know,

put a hot meal on the table
for your husband,

when he gets home.

Did you actually say what
I think you just said?

I did.

Do you have any idea
how insulting that is?

All right, it came out wrong,

but don't listen to my words,
listen to what I'm saying.

What are you saying?

I'm hungry!

So you want your little woman
to hop to in the kitchen.

Look, it has nothing to do with
the fact that she's a woman.

If I was married to a man,
I'd expect the same thing.

Ah! If I were married to a man,

I'd expect that he could survive
one night on his own.

It's been more than one night.

Poor thing!

Look at you withering away.

Again, that's not
what I'm saying.

Well, then, what are you saying?

Yeah!
Yeah.

Vince, help me out here.

I'm not part of this.

I had a handful of peanuts
for dinner, and I'm very happy.

La, la-ba-dee-da

La, la-ba-dee-da

For the first time in my life

I see love

I see love

For the first time in my life

I see love

Everything okay over there?

I'm fine.

You're not fine.

You been picking at
your pants all day.

What is it, jock itch?
Ringworm? Chapped crack?

Molly didn't get a chance
to get the laundry done,

so I am wearing
a swimsuit for underwear.

You told me you didn't
own a swimsuit.

I am not going to the water park
with you, Carl!

She's at home all day,
doing nothing,

and I gotta go to work with
my testicles in a net.

You-you-you can't do laundry?

Do you see a washer or dryer
in the squad car?

She's at home, she should do it.

Yeah, say that too loud,

and those testicles
will be out of the net

and dangling from
her rearview mirror.

That's not what I meant.

Wh-When did everybody
get so touchy?

Uh, late '60s, early '70s.

The war of the sexes
is over, baby.

Yeah, he's right.

All men have left now
are higher wages,

a monopoly on
running corporations,

and control of women's
reproductive rights.

This is not a man-woman thing.

This is
a husband-wife thing, okay?

When Molly was writing
her book with my mom,

I was a team player.

I happily threw
a load of wash in.

Happily?
Hey, I wasn't Mary Poppins,

but I got it done.

But she hasn't written
anything in over two weeks.

At what point
do I get to say something?

You? Never.

Not because you don't
have a point,

but because you lack
the vocabulary

to say it in a tactful way.

Eh, it's a very sensitive issue,

and you're about as delicate
as a rhino on roller skates.

Yeah, I was picturing a bear
on a beach ball, but...

I think we saying
the same thing.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh!

One of my barnacles
is tangled in the net.

How's the writing going?

So far, all I've written
is three pages of S's.

I fell asleep on the keyboard.

Is the story about a snake?

Yeah. You know what
the sequel's called?

Shhh...

Sweetie, maybe you need
a little break from the writing.

You know, get some fresh air

in that cigar bar up the street.

You can bring your laptop.

Maybe you'll pass out
and write another story.

No! Do not do this to me again.

What? Is it so wrong
for a mother

to want to spend happy hour
with her two daughters?

Every day? Yes.

Uh, even if I wanted to, I got
all this laundry to do.

If you do that,
you're saying Mike's right.

Well, if I don't do that,
I gotta keep wearing

these bike shorts for underwear!

Look, if all you're
worried about is laundry,

we can do that, no problem,

and still enjoy
mother-daughter mudslides.

We can?

Absolutely!

I got a system for getting it
done quickly and painlessly.

Vince!

What, I-is there a new moon?

Hey, I'm home!

Wow! Somebody has been
working on her creases!

Thanks for noticing.

Hope you don't mind,
I went with a Swedish cuff.

Very versatile...
with one simple flip,

it can take you from the couch
to the conference room.

Where's Molly?

Ah, she went out for drinks
with Joyce and Victoria.

And she pawned
the laundry off on you?

Are you kidding?
I love doing this.

Ironing is very Zen.

The wrinkles are your problem,
the iron is your solution

and your hand is...
well, well, your hand.

You know what this is?

This is a deliberate
"screw you," from Molly, to me.

I'm sensing a lot
of anger from you.

Trust your senses.

Boy, if anyone needs
to iron, it's you.

Five minutes in,
your blood pressure drops,

your heart rate slows, huh?

Come on...
take a vacation.

You really want to put
that in my hand right now?

Suit yourself.

See ya on the other side.

Om...

Om...

Mm-mm, not good.

Hey!

Aloha!

Oh! What's that stench?

It's my dinner.

Lentils, the saddest
of the soups.

- I hope you guys had fun!
- Oh!

We had a blast!

Molly won a trivia contest,
I came in third in the limbo,

and Victoria placed first
in the wet coconut bra contest.

I can't take all the credit.

They did most of the work.

And I'm eating a can of crap

that's been here
since I moved in.

Guess we're all winners tonight!

Well, no one's forcing you
to eat old soup.

There's always
peanuts and beets.

Did you do anything
productive today?

I guess you didn't see
that the laundry got done.

Oh, yeah.
I saw Vince did a real nice job

with what you were
supposed to do.

What I was supposed to do?

All right, Coconuts,
that's our cue.

Good, 'cause the fumes

from that Porta Potti soup
are getting to me.

Hey, that stink is my dinner!

That I had to make myself.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize that my job
was to cook you dinner

and be the perfect little wife.

Well, if it was your job,
you'd probably be fired.

What?

You heard me.

I'm taking my sad,
stinky soup to-go.

Good morning.

What's going on?

Breakfast in bed
for the king of the castle.

Coffee, eggs over medium,
fresh-squeezed juice...

and I removed the pulp
with a strainer,

because your perfect little wife
knows how angry you get

when things aren't just so.

All right, what'd you do to it?

Spit in the orange juice,
wipe the toast on the floor?

Nonsense. Why would I ever
do such a thing, husband?

Knock it off.

Have I done something
to displease you, husband?

Quit calling me husband...
it's creepy.

Do you prefer master?

All right, okay.

I see what you're doing.

You're trying
to make me feel guilty

for what I said last night.

If you say so.

The man is always right.

But here's something you didn't
factor in to your little plan.

Probably not.
Yeah.

I'm hungry.

And guess what?

I don't feel bad!

I feel good that there's
a breakfast in front of me.

How's that make you feel?

Well, how do I know how I feel

if you haven't told me
how I feel?

Fine.

If that is the way
you want to play it,

let the games begin.

Mmm, cinnamon toast.

Mmm, you probably buttered this
with your shoe,

but it's going down sweet.

You're smart.

I'm glad you're enjoying it.

And just know
that when you're finished,

I'll be here ready to make love.

Well, that sounds good to me.

And just like this breakfast,

if you don't think I'm gonna
enjoy it, you are wrong.

Be with you in a minute.

So what did Stepford Molly
pack you for lunch?

Shaved roast beef on a hoagie,

Mmm.
Fuji apples...

sliced and skinned... ooh.

Plus, Rice Krispie Treat.

Did she use Fruity Pebbles?

She yabb-dabba-did.

And this somehow is supposed
to make you miserable?

Uh, this is a mind game
she's playing.

Unfortunately for her,
this mind don't play it.

So you're gonna outsmart her
by undersmarting her.

Pretty smart, huh?

You-you did it.

I mean, you finally broke
that wild horse.

You got everything you wanted.

Yeah.

Is something wrong with it?

I don't know how she did it.

What?

This is a loveless sandwich.

It tastes of spite
in every bite.

Well, now you're just
being picky.

Do you want food and sex
or do you want love?

Oh.

Ah.

"Have an amazing day, husband."

Wow.

She hates me.

Hey, w-what are you doing
on the couch?

Shouldn't you be packing
Mike's pipe with poison tobacco?

No, I'm done with all that.

Mike saw right through me.

Turns out giving him all
the food and sex he wanted

didn't upset him.

Played me like
a cheap carnival game.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

I once lost six games
of tic-tac-toe to a chicken.

It's not exactly the same Th...

Well, yeah,
it's exactly the same thing.

Hey, you mind if
I set up shop here?

Or is that gonna mess
with your writing mojo?

No, I'm just writing
a stupid snake story.

All I got right now is dialogue.

Well, you know what might help
with your creative constipation?

A little iron in your diet.

Come on, Vince, cut the act.

No one likes ironing.

If you say so.

Do you really enjoy that?

I sure do.

And you know what the icing
on the cake is?

The look on your mother's face
when she opens her closet

and sees rows
of freshly-pressed blouses,

pants and age-inappropriate
halter tops.

So you and Botox are the reason
she has no wrinkles.

The man behind the woman.

And when I need my hair dyed,

she's the woman behind the man.

We each pitch in
where we need to.

Yeah, you try not to keep
score, but you always do.

Right now, I'm way in front.

Mikey, what a surprise!

Hungry or you need my toilet?

Can't a son just come
by and check up on his mother?

Sit down.

I'll warm up
some lasagna for you.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

Corner piece if you got it.

Yeah.

I know my boy.

Yeah, you do.

Can I get you a beer?

Yeah, that'd be nice.

A cold beer after
a long day at work.

Yeah, here you go.

See? How hard is this?

What are you talking about?

Nothing.

I just appreciate the effort.

I'm happy someone's happy
to make me happy.

Of course.

You work hard.

You deserve a beer
and a hot meal.

Careful who you say that around.

Who, your wife?

What, she thinks she's too good

to crack open a beer for my boy?

It's not that she thinks
she's too good to...

Let me tell you something.

Waiting on you should be
the biggest pleasure of her day.

That's a little much.

Nothing's too much for you.

Boy, I tell you, I'd spoil you
rotten if we were married.

You know what, Mom, I'm-I'm
not as hungry as I thought.

In fact, my stomach just turned.

Really?

You don't want anything?

Be more than happy
to run a hot bath for you.

No, no, uh, like I said,
I just came in here

to check on you and...

I should really run...

very, very far away.

That girl will never appreciate
how much I do for her.

Mol, you out here?

Under the car.

Why?

You're not cutting
my brake lines, are you?

No.

Although I could.

There are online courses that'll
teach you just about anything.

Just to be clear,
you didn't, right?

No.

Though I did change your oil
and swap out your filter

and top off all your fluids.

Molly, you didn't have
to do that.

I mean, it's totally
cool that you did.

But you didn't have to.

I know. I wanted to.

I felt like pitching in,

and I know car stuff is not
the most obvious choice,

but hey, Vince likes ironing.

Well, I gotta say,

you're a lot cuter
than the guy at Valvoline.

Cheaper, too.

I work for dinner.

Well, have you tried
my famous stinky lentil soup?

I have.

Then we should go out.

Yeah, we should.

I'll get my coat.

I am gonna see
if I can figure out

where all these extra parts go.

Or not.

Hey.
Hey.

Look at you.

Writing again.

Kind of.
I'm on a mechanics' forum.

Apparently some of the parts
I threw away

were pretty important.

I wouldn't drive the car over 40

till I get this figured out.

My little Pep Girl.

Hey, is that dinner I smell?

It is.

You're amazing.

I made a pork loin.

You take off that shirt.

I'm not wasting two hours
and a can of Shout

wrestling pig juice out of that.

Say what you want,

but my mother hit the jackpot
when she married that one.

We all did.

Think he knows anything
about cars?