Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 6, Episode 5 - Joyce's Will Be Done - full transcript

So, when are
the girls coming back?

Not for another half hour.

They did the hot yoga today?

No, that's on Wednesdays.

Today is Vinyasa yoga.

It's less about sweat and more

about the flow of movement.

It's the key to everything.

You got to keep moving.

Ain't that the truth?

You're back early.



Something awful happened.

Hey, don't feel bad.

They shouldn't have you
bending and squatting

in a room that quiet.

No.

Our instructor died.

Seriously?

Right in the middle of class.

Kara was teaching us Tree Pose

when she went down
like a redwood.

As she was falling,

some clown in
the back of the room

yelled out, "Timber""

I didn't know she was dead,
all right?



I just still can't believe it.

I've been taking her class
for ten years.

That's terrible.

Well, was she an older broad?

She was three years
younger than me.

Eh.

Too young.

Way too young.

Gah, it's crazy.

I mean, she-she was a vegan,

worked out every day,
didn't smoke, didn't drink...

Didn't shave.

Let's just say
her final Tree Pose

had a couple of nests in it.

So, uh, how you doing?

And if it helps,

I-I thought "timber" was funny.

Thank you.

It just makes you realize

that you got to make
every moment count.

You have to really appreciate

the people you love
in this world.

Yeah.

So, you want to go upstairs?

Ew, no, Mike!

Okay, I misread the signal.

Namaste.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

Boy, I just can't get over
what happened yesterday.

I know, neither can I.

And the more I think about it,

the more I have to wonder...

shouldn't that yoga studio
give us a refund for that class?

Victoria, the woman just died.

So, I should call in a few days?

Well, that's what I'm doing.

Hey.

How'd you sleep?

I didn't.

Here.

Stickers?
Yeah.

You each have your own color.

I want you both to
go through the house

and mark anything
you want after I die.

What?

Look, it's the best way
to divide my stuff up,

and that way
you can kickback, relax,

and enjoy the funeral I planned.

There's gonna be a calypso band.

Okay, we're not doing this.

Well, why not?

Because no one is dying.

You're perfectly healthy, Mom.

Yeah, so was Kara,

and she went
downward-facing dead,

right in front of us.

Eight minutes into a $30 class.

Come on, it'll be a fun game.

I'll set the timer
for 20 minutes,

and you each get one steal.

No.

Victoria and I are not
picking through your things

like a couple of vultures.

Are earrings one sticker or two?

Two, they should be two.

Apparently this woman
ate healthy, she exercised,

and it still didn't do
a damn bit of good.

I mean, there has got to be
a lesson in there somewhere.

I'll have an apple fritter.

Uh, no, he will not.

Yes, I will.

Not on my watch.

Then close your eyes.

All right, Samuel,

bring him his
deep-fried death warrant.

That warrant was signed
long before I got here.

I can't believe you.

Every time some health nut dies,

you take it as a starter pistol

to stuff your face.

Have you not heard a word
I said?

When your number is up,
your number is up,

and I am not going to
go hungry into that good night.

So, it's all luck?

Diet and exercise have nothing
to do with it?

You remember
my old, Greek landlady,

Mrs. Something-dopo-dopolous,
okay?

She lived to be 103, okay?

The only time she took
her cigarette out of her mouth

was to take a swig of ouzo.

Yeah, but look what
it did to her.

Her face looked like a Fruit
Roll-Up with a mustache.

The point is, okay,
she lived life on her terms.

Died with a smile on her face,

and a cigarette
in her throat hole.

Come on, don't do it, Mike.

You know in your gut
that it's wrong.

Are you kidding?

My gut's been planning this
for weeks.

Well, just know
that every fritter that you eat,

that's gonna be less time
with your beautiful wife

and your future children.

Tell us about our daddy, Uncle Carl.

Did he love us?

Oh, yes, child.

Almost as much
as he loved fritters.

Well, why do all
my unborn children

sound like Michael Jackson?

'Cause you weren't around
to raise them right.

Yeah, they had to rely
on the numerous lovers

that Molly took...
in her grief...

after your death.

One apple fritter,

served without
judgment or liability.

All right, but I'm gonna
spend those extra years

making your life miserable.

You won't regret it.

Although you would
have died happy...

Ah!

Hey, who's banging
around down here?

Me.

You finally making that still

you've been
threatening to build?

No, I'm trying to get
into this damn thing.

Well, don't you have a key?

Yeah.

I just thought it would be
more fun to spend 20 minutes

trying to open it
with a freaking hammer.

All right, don't sass me.

Give me the hammer.

What's in here, anyway?

Ugh, who can remember?

Old savings bonds?

Insurance policy?

It's just one stupid piece
of the jigsaw puzzle

that is my life.

Well, you don't have to sort

through all this stuff now.

Yes, I do.

You have no idea how hard things

are gonna be when I'm gone.

I got to be honest.

Things aren't that easy
when you're here.

I was completely blindsided
when your father died.

Gah, I had to plan a funeral,

figure out bank accounts, bills,

all while balling my eyes out.

I don't want you girls
to have to go through all that.

Okay.

So, it's decided.

You'll live forever.

I'll see what I can do.

All right,
let's crack this clam open.

See what kind of legacy

you're leaving us.

Oh.

Hey.

Oh, Polaroids?

Ugh.

Boy, your father sure
knew how to frame a shot.

Boy, it feels weird
being in a lawyer's office

without a bottle
of clean urine in my purse.

Yeah, if you're gonna
keep those in the fridge,

could you please label them?

Just so you know, once
we finish with the will,

there's just a few loose
ends we got to tie up.

Power of attorney,
end of life issues.

Mainly, which one of you
is gonna pull the plug.

Mom, neither one of us
is gonna pull the plug...

I'll do it.

Victoria.

Nobody is going
to pull the plug.

She's our mother,
not your curling iron.

I guess just
working with the dead

makes me more comfortable with,
like, getting them there.

Mama's little Kevorkian.

So, that's settled,
you'll kill Mom?

But we should come up
with a safe word,

so I know when to do it.

If I'm saying words,
don't do it.

And, Molly,
before we go in there,

there's something
I want you to have,

and I don't want an argument.

I told you I didn't want
to do this when...

Oh, ooh!

Grandma's ring!

You two always had a special bond,
Ah...

and I know she'd want you
to have it.

Oh, I don't know what to say.

Just say you'll keep it.

Of course, forever.

Thank you.

Oh, and Victoria,
you're getting the house.

Okay.
What?

What do you think
happens when we die?

It's fourth and goal.

Can this wait?

You know what,

remind me to never be vulnerable

in front of you again.

All right, fine.

What's bothering you, princess?

Do you believe in heaven?

I believe that there's a quiet,

peaceful place that we all go,

and today I was hoping
that was the living room.

Sorry.

It's just
that last night in bed,

Joyce told me
she didn't believe.

Threw me for a loop.

Could have knocked me over
with the feather we were using.

You know when you tell me
these things,

I can't look at Joyce
for three days, right?

It's not like
I'm a religious man.

I'm just saying, why not pretend
to believe, just in case?

Hedge your bets.

Well, don't you think that God
knows if you're full of crap?

I don't know, I think he would
appreciate that I got a system.

Well, I guess when
I think about it, I mean,

I do rub the Buddha's belly

when I leave
a Chinese restaurant.

I even tried on a yarmulke
once at a flea market.

Not a good look on me.

I need a hat with a bill.

Hello.

Victoria.

Hey.

Joyce.

Guess who Mom's
leaving the house to,

and I'll give you a hint.

I'm getting a stupid ring!

Listen, I don't have to
justify my decision to you.

Because you can't; it's lunacy.

Wait a minute,
what does she have on you?

I don't know what I have on her,

but I know what
I'm getting from her.

Yeah?

Meet me in the driveway.

I got something for you, too.

Hey, hey, hey, stop fighting.

Look, it's my decision,
so deal with it.

Come on, Mom,
let's go to the kitchen.

Let her cool off.

Just so that there's
no confusion,

are the appliances
coming with the house?

Yeah, it comes
with the driveway, too.

I'll meet you there
in ten minutes!

Now's probably not the time,

but I thought I was
getting that ring.

What?

Whoa!

No, no, no, no.

All right, come on, don't...

If this is my mom's way
of making me pull that plug,

I'm gonna yank that cord
like I'm starting a lawn mower.

Well, maybe
your mom figured that,

you know, since we're
getting my mom's house,

you don't need two.

She knows I'm never gonna
live in that hell hole.

Hey, that was my childhood home.

I got a lot of
good memories there.

Name one.

All right, you made your point.

It just doesn't make any sense.

I was always the good daughter.

I mean, I was home by curfew.

I got straight A's.

I was captain
of the color guard.

You don't still have
that uniform, do you?

It was-it was itchy
wool pants and a poncho.

What color was the poncho?

Ick.

I don't know.

I mean, Victoria was
always way worse than I was.

I mean, she was out all night,
crazy boyfriends, drugs.

One time a guy
crawling out of her window

bumped into a guy crawling in.

They-they got in a fistfight
right there on the roof.

Look, I get what you're
saying about your mom.

It doesn't make any sense.

It's almost like she's rewarding

Victoria for being a screw-up.

Oh...

my...
Ow.

Yes.

That's it.

That's it!

That is exactly why

my mom is giving
the house to Victoria.

Oh, she's a screw-up.

Oh, my...

You know, my mom knows

that she might not be there
to bail her out,

but at least Ding-Dong
will have a place to live.

Yeah.

You think?

What else could it be?

I mean, look at me.

I'm a smart, strong,
independent woman.

I mean, I've kind of
got it all together.

So, her giving Victoria
the house is her way of saying

that you're a better person?

Hey, I didn't say that.

Mom did.

All right, come on, don't...

All right.

Okay.

I never really
thought I liked karaoke,

but I am really good at it.

Okay, that wasn't karaoke.

That was you, a jukebox,
and a bar full of angry people.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

I just want you to know...

Oh, boy.

...that I'm okay
with Mom's decision.

Well, thank you.

So am I.

Because I get it now,

and it's not your fault
that you're the "screw-up""

Excuse me?

I mean, I was,

I think, a tough act to follow.

You know,

and that couldn't
have been easy,

and... maybe that's
why you're easy.

♪ Easy like Sunday morning. ♪

Okay, okay, okay, all right.

Okay, my little
songbird, let's go.

Up here.

I just wanted to tell her,

I know why Mom did what she did.

Okay.

And why is that?

Don't make me say it.

All right, I'm gonna say it.

Oh, God.

Because I'm the good daughter,

and you're the mess.

Mm.

I see.

So...

I'm the screw-up?

Only in Mom's eyes.

You know, it's just
a little confusing

because I'm not the daughter
who quit her job.

Or has a mountain
of credit card debt

because of a shopping addiction.

Are you listening to this?

I lived it.

And you know what, Mol,
for your information,

all my credit cards
are paid off,

and I have enough money

to put a down payment

on any house in
this neighborhood,

even if I wasn't
already getting one.

And, at the moment,

I am sober and you're the mess.

Hold on.

Hold on a minute.

Are you saying you don't have
any credit card debt, like, any?

Never have, never will.

So, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go upstairs
and see how my stocks did today.

Do we have any stocks?

Aw.

Oh, what are you
doing down here?

I thought you'd
be sleeping it off.

I did.
It's almost noon.

Oh, I guess I was
sleeping it off, too.

Oh, just a heads up,

there's another bin of Polaroids
over there somewhere.

I think it's labeled
"Mom's Box."

Oh, you know what, actually,
I was looking for this.

Oh.

My old Underwood.

Oh, boy,

I hauled this thing
all over the globe

when I was pushing
peanuts for Pan Am.

You know, I saved all those
letters you wrote to us.

Ironically, they're
also in something

labeled "Mom's Box""

I'm gonna let
the grandkids sort that out.

You had a very unique way
of describing the world.

I think those letters
are probably part of the reason

I wanted to become a writer.

You never told me that.

Yeah.

Look, about the house,
I-I get it,

I-I know why you're
not giving it to me.

You do?

Yeah, because I'm the screw-up,

and Victoria's the together one,

and she's gonna take better care
of the house than I would.

No, she's not.

She's gonna sell it
before I'm cold in the ground.

Well, wait a minute,
if you know that,

then why are you
giving it to her?

Is this 'cause she has stocks?

I'm giving it to her,

so you'll have no choice
but to get the hell out.

You want me to leave?

Of course, I do.

I want you to spread your wings,

see the world, live your life...

but not until mine's over.

'Cause I can't imagine
this house without you.

That is the sweetest, and...

and most dysfunctional thing
you've ever said to me.

Thanks.

Boy, I thought Mike and his mom

had a messed up relationship.

Yeah, but they let it all out.

We keep ours hidden,
like civilized people.

Yeah.

Okay, say you lose a limb,

you think it's waiting
for you up in heaven?

Yeah, I'm sure they got
a whole basket of them.

Need a leg, take a leg.

What about this, say I die,
Molly remarries,

now who gets her up there,

me or the squirrely bastard

who moved in
on my grieving widow?

Oh, I never even
thought about that.

My first wife Bunny's
gonna be up there.

Joyce sees her, she'll rip
the halo right off her head.

If she's not already
with Molly's dad.

It's been 30 years.

He's got to have another broad
up there by now.

I mean, he's in heaven,
he's not dead.

I guess we'll just have
to prepare for anything.

Well, if I go first,

I'll try to send you a sign,
give you the lay of the land.

Like haunt me?

No, like a...

a yellow butterfly
landing on your nose.

Wh-what is that gonna tell me?

That I'm still here with you.

Yeah, whatever.

You be a ladybug.

I-I like ladybugs.

I'm not being a ladybug.

It's an eagle or nothing.
Okay.