Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 6, Episode 4 - Super Cop - full transcript

Look at all these people.

Exercising in
the middle of the day,

drinking their free-range,
cold-pressed nut juice.

I mean, don't they have jobs?

It's gotta make you wonder
who's funding this lifestyle.

Rich parents?

Ex-husbands?

The Illuminati?

The who?

Exactly.

All units, we have
a 10-37 at Cicero and Irving.



Possible stolen vehicle.

Should we get that?

I suppose we should.

Car 2686 responding.

Ah, looks like Ramirez
beat us to the punch.

Well, just as well,
we got our hands full here.

Unbelievable.

All these people
on permanent vacation

while we're working like dogs.

Ain't that the truth?
Hey, you want a snow cone?

I would.

Hey. Your feet, my treat.

Car 2607 responding.

Hey, I'll get a jump
on our paperwork.



Or not.

I forgot to tell Carl
what flavor.

Ah, he'll surprise me.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

What is the matter
with the Internet?

Tell me about it.

Leave out one letter

and you're seeing things
you can't un-see.

Made that mistake looking up
"grandfather clocks."

No, I meant the signal's down.

And you left that website up.

It's forever frozen here
and in here.

All right, Molly,
cancel the credit cards.

Is this about the $600 boots?

What?

What?

No, my wallet got stolen.

Oh... Oh... Oh, bummer.

Did you call the cops?

I had everything in there.

My driver's license,

my Social Security card,
lottery ticket.

Maybe I won, maybe I didn't.

We'll never know.

Where'd they steal it from?

Straight off the dashboard

of my squad car.
Oh...

So it was a classic
smash-and-grab, huh?

It was more of a grab
than smash.

The window was open,
'cause there was a nice breeze.

So, wait, you were in
the car when it happened?

No. Of course he wasn't, Mom.

Nah, he was in the car.

I swear, I only closed my eyes
for a couple of seconds.

You fell asleep?

Well, no. I wouldn't
call it sleep, exactly.

More like a ten-minute blink?

How the hell would I know?

I wasn't wearing a watch.

Good thing. They probably
would have stole that, too.

Where was Carl?

Was he also blinking?

No.

He was out
getting us snow cones.

Okay.

We just want you to know

that we're just glad
that you're okay.

And I'm keeping the boots.

Okay, so it wasn't
your best day.

It was humiliating.

Hey, this is not all on you.

Okay? This is an indictment
on modern society.

I mean, what kind of a world
is this that a police officer

can't sleep safely
in his own squad car?

I never should've been
sleeping in my squad car.

That's another way
to look at it.

When I first
came out of the academy,

they paired me
with this old timer, Perzecki.

Kept a pillow in his car.

Put it under his arm
when he drove

and under his head
when he took a nap.

"Officer Down."

I would have gone
with "Captain Memory Foam."

Mmm-kay.

I used to think
that guy was a joke.

Now look who the joke is.

Hey, come on, now,
you're not that bad.

Is that what
I'm going for now, Carl?

"Not that bad"?

I was asleep in a squad car.

It could have been so much
worse than a stolen wallet.

By the grace of God,

I didn't get a penis
drawn on my face.

God is good.

What happened to us?

Where are those gung-ho rookies

that wanted to grab the world in
a choke hold and never let go?

Those were good times, huh?

Hey. Remember that chop shop
we busted up on Melvina?

Yeah.

Didn't even call for backup.
Hm-mmm.

Just you, me 13 Albanians,

and half a DeLorean.

You know, we could
still be those guys.

You think so?

I know so.

Hmm.

"Bad boys, bad boys,

"whatcha gonna do

when McMillan and Biggs
come for you?"

Look at my arm.

You gave me goose bumps.

Robbery in progress.

Shell station,
Division and North.

This is 2607 responding.

All right, let's roll.

Look at us!

Hey, if you had your perm
and I had my adult braces,

I'd swear this was
ten years ago.

You are never gonna believe
what happened at work.

You stayed awake all day.

You're damn right I did.

And I remembered
why I became a cop.

Because you failed
the pipe fitter's exam.

That,

and I wanted to take
a bite out of crime.

But today, crime...

took a bite out of me.

What is that?

Dog bite.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I chased a purse snatcher

over a barbed wire fence
into a junkyard,

where we were both attacked
by a giant pit bull.

Everyone was biting everyone.

And the day just got better
from there.

I don't know
how that's possible.

Well, anything's possible
when...

when you give a damn.

I don't love a high-five.

But you, sir,
deserve a high-five!

Thanks.

The last one you gave me
was on our honeymoon.

Well, you earned that one, too.

So, uh...

well, where-where is everybody?

Oh, they went to the movies.

Really?

I know that "really."

What are you thinking,
we sneak upstairs?

Hmm?

No.

Table for two?
No!

They're gonna be home
in 20 minutes.

Well, then, we'd
better get started.

You know what?
All right.

Fine.

Let me just set the timer,
just in case.

Wait, how-how long
did you set it for?

Oh. Um, you know what?

Let's think positive.

Man, we've been hitting
it hard all morning.

What do you say we take a break?

Hey, crime doesn't take a break.

Look at this scumbag.

Which one?
The one in black,

hassling that homeless guy.

Hey, punk.

Leave him alone and put
your hands in the air.

Oh! I'm sorry, Father!

I didn't see the collar.

You might want
to pull back a little.

Hey, crime doesn't pull back.

Man, you can't just keep
putting "crime doesn't"

before everything I say.

I'm sorry,
I'm just so pumped up.

I'm tellin' you, Carl,
getting my wallet stolen

was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Hey, listen, I love
the new wide-awake Mike.

But we need
to be smart about this.

I wouldn't've drank
that second cup of coffee

if I knew we weren't
taking pee breaks.

Carl, eleven o'clock.

No, no, I got a tiny bladder.

I can't wait till 11:00.

No, no, the punk on the bike.

Am I crazy, or does that look
like the guy that's been pulling

all those second-floor
B and E's?

There's only one
way to find out.

Hey, you, on the bike.

Pull over to the sidewalk.

Got a runner.

Son-of-a-bitch thinks
he can shake us

by going down that narrow alley.

We'll just go down a block,
head west, and we'll catch him

on the other side.
Nah, too risky. We'll lose him.

What?

Are you sure
we can fit down here?

Nope.

Well, I'll be damned.
Weit

Could you watch the potholes?

I told you, I gotta
go to the bathroom.

Take the wheel!

What?

Ah!
Whoa!

I got him!

Brakes, brakes, brakes!

That...

was awesome.

So right before I nail him,

I yell out the window and I go,

"You got the right
to eat asphalt!"

I didn't hear you say that.

Well, I-I thought of it
afterwards.

But how cool
would that have been?

Never thought
I'd say this, Biggs,

but you're the real deal.

You are "the police."

Well, it's nothing
any of you wouldn't have done

if you loved this damn city
as much as I do.

Yeah, congratulations.

You wrecked a $50,000 squad car

and almost killed us
in the process.

Nice!

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?
Oh, it's nothing.

Just a scratch.

18 stitches.

Hey, you should be proud
of your husband.

He put his life
on the line today.

Yeah, I know.

I am. I am so proud.

What the hell
is the matter with you?

Carl called me
and told me what you did.

Pretty sexy, huh?

No! You know what's sexy,

is you coming home
to me in one piece.

Well, look, I gotta make
tough decisions out there.

I don't have time
to call home and ask permission.

Yo, Biggs!

Me and the boys,

we're taking you
out for a drink.

Oh, that sounds good!

Can I go?

That's gonna leave
a nice scar, Biggs.

Ah, no big deal.
It's not the first.

Yeah, show 'em the one
you got on your thumb

opening that can of tuna.

Mixed in the mayo

before I even went
to the hospital.

You want to see a real scar?

Check this out.

Oh!
Oh!

Bullet wound?
Bite mark.

Serving a warrant to
the one meth head in town

who still had teeth.

Come on, that's nothing.

Look at this.

Look at that.
See that? Ooh... Oh! Oh!

Domestic call.

Some piece of crap's knocking
the snot out of his wife.

So I pull him off her,

and as I'm cuffing him,

the broad stabs me
in the back with a steak knife.

See? That's what you get
for trying to help people.

You know what?

Up to me, I'd say

just let all the dirtbags

kill all the scumbags.

Problem solved.

Yeah, and we go fishing.

Yeah.
Hear, hear.

Easy, now, let's not forget

we're still talking
about people here.

Well, I don't know what calls
you're taking, McMillan,

but some days, I feel like
I'm working animal control.

At least you can spay
and neuter an animal.

Uh, are you listening
to yourselves?

People respond to us
based on how we treat them.

You catch more flies with honey.

You keep catching flies,
McMillan.

Hey, hey, hey.
Maybe, instead of a gun,

you could carry a butterfly net.

Yeah, put on a big,
floppy sun hat

and skip around the city.

You know what? He actually has
one of those hats.

No!

Yeah, and the back of my neck
still looks like I'm 25.

You know what?

I'm gonna call it a night.

Aw, come on, Carl.

The guys are just bustin' balls.

Let him go.

He needs to get home
to make some herbal tea

and watch The Good Wife.

Nice one.

Although, you know,

that show has not been
the same since Will died.

Yeah.
Oh, that's right.

That's right.
That's right.

Oh, hey, Mike.

Hey.

Heard about your accident.

That seems really scary.

Well, crime doesn't stop
for scary.

Carl's right.

It doesn't work every time.

Well, if you're dumb enough to
break the law in front of a cop,

you get what you deserve.

What are you...
what are you doing?

Mmm. Don't worry about it.

I told the family next door

that there's a bunch of skunks
living under the porch.

See, this is the problem,
right here.

Mike, the skunks aren't real.

I made it up so that I could
smoke weed on the porch.

No.

It's a blatant lack
of respect for the law

and me.
Hey!

You can't do that!

Yeah, I can.

I'm the police.

Give... it... back!

I am flushing it.

That is my stash!

Citizen's arrest!

Citizen's arrest!

Get off me!

You are assaulting an officer!

Well, you assaulted
my doobie, brother!

Is that right?
Yeah, that's right!

Well, you have the right
to remain here!

You can't handcuff me!

You are not my boyfriend!

What the hell is going on?

Your husband is being cruel,
and it's unusual.

Mike, why did you handcuff
my sister to the stairs?

Well, because she broke
the law right in front of me.

What am I supposed to do,
ignore that?

Yes! You have for years.

We pretend it's a skunk.

Well, pretend time is over.

I put my life
on the line out there.

I can't have some
wigged-out hophead

sparking up
right in front of me.

You should have said something.

I would've gotten edibles.

Here.

Next time, she goes to jail.

What, are you gonna go rough up
my mom and Vince now?

I should take you all downtown.

See who turns on who.

I'm calling my attorney.

You don't need a lawyer.

I need more weed.

He's also my dealer.

Thanks for taking me to work.

Well, odds are you're gonna do

some more pretty
heroic stuff today

and then the guys are gonna want
to take you out drinking again.

Yeah, they love me.

Why wouldn't they?

Super Cop.

You don't wait for the action
to come to you,

you run to it.

Molly, the light's turning red.

Oh, thanks for the heads up.

Hey, slow down.

Crime doesn't slow down.

Hey, that's my thing.

Seriously, slow down.

Why?

Am I scaring you?

Yeah, a little bit.

What are you doing?
Pull over.

We're in the middle of the road.

Oh, no, no, no.

Look down there.
Not just that.

We're straddling
train tracks, amigo.

Huh?

You like the thrill of that?

You taste the danger?

Not really.
These tracks are out of service.

There hasn't been a train
on 'em for 20 years.

Guess that would
explain the tree

growing in the middle
of the tracks.

Come on, Molly.

There's somebody behind us.

Let's go.

Nope.

We are gonna sit here

in this uncomfortable situation.

I don't care.

I'm a loose cannon.

Okay. I think... I think
I proved my point.

Sorry!

Are we done here?

Are you done playing big hero?

Look, I was just trying
to be a good cop.

I can't help it if people
are impressed by that.

What people?

Those idiots at work?

You used to make fun of them.

You said they gave cops
a bad name.

Well, that was before
they accepted me

into Scar Club.

"Scar Club"?

Are you listening
what comes out of here?

Look, Seely made up
that stupid name, not me.

Look, I wasn't
trying to scare you.

I just wanted you
to be proud of me.

When am I ever not proud of you?

Well, you looked a little iffy

when I told you
my wallet got stolen

while Carl was out
getting us snow cones.

Okay, it was not
your finest moment,

but I've never not
been proud of you.

I guess I could
pull back a little bit.

You still gonna find me sexy
if I'm not Super Cop?

Oh, yeah.

I mean,
I didn't want to say anything,

but Super Cop was
a bit of a selfish lover.

Okay, come...

There's plenty of room!

Go around!

Ooh, we got taillights out.

Let's go.

See if this punk's
feelin' lucky.

Look at this. An extra large
coffee so I stay alert,

and an apple for my snack.

Or, as I like to call it,

nature's snow cone.

I heard that was the banana.

No, that's nature's burrito.

Oh, and... anybody grabs this
off the dashboard,

they're taking me with it.

Oh, like when they tie
a restroom key to a cinder block.

Hold up there, chief.

What?

You don't think I saw that?

Empty your pockets.

What?

You know, the guy
who owns this store

is trying to make a living
to support his family.

When you steal from him,

not only are you
breaking the law,

you're taking food
off of his table.

Am I going to jail?

That's up to you, little man.

You want to keep going
down this path?

No.
Good.

So here's what we're gonna do.

You come in here the rest
of the week, after school,

and mop this guy's floor for him.
Yes, sir.

And I'm gonna stop by every day

to make sure you're here.
Okay.

Beat it. I don't want to see
you around here anymore.

Except after school when
you're supposed to be mopping!

Look at you.

Teaching a kid a lesson

and finding a way
to not eat that apple.

I got my partner back.

Pay for your coffee, Carl.

All right. Honest mistake.