Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 6, Episode 3 - Peg O' My Heart Attack - full transcript

Mmm, another great dinner, Ma.

Thanks, Mikey.

Makes me feel good
to know you get

at least one decent meal a week.

Well, you know I cook for him.

I know.

Peggy, healthy food
can be delicious, too.

Right, Mike?

Yeah, that's what you keep
telling me.

Hey, by the way,
what are you doing

next Wednesday at 5:30 a.m.?



Um, let's see.

Unless I get a paper route
I will be sleeping.

Mm.

My church group is taking a van
to the casino in Rockford.

I could use a seatmate

and maybe we could go halfsies
on a penny slot.

Wait a minute,
is this next Wednesday?

I actually have a real excuse
why I can't go.

I got tickets for that pl...
I got tickets for a play.

Oh, yeah, you're going to see
that thing about werewolves.

I'm, well, I'm going to see
a play at Steppenwolf.

It's the most, it's the most
famous theater in Chicago?

Right, and thank you
for not making me go.

All right, I'll go
to your werewolf play,



but next time we do my thing.

Wait, what?
If you're going to take a trip

with my ma, can I have
the guys over for cards?

No, we're not taking
a trip together.

So, I go to your dumb play
and you do squat for me?

I never asked you to come
to the play with me.

Oh, fine, after I rearranged
my whole schedule.

You didn't change anything.

So, is that a no on poker?
Yes.

So that's a yes on poker? No.

All right.

Don't snap at him.

You're the one
promising him things

and then taking them away.

All right, we're done.
Dinner's over.

Oh, fine, go ahead and go.

Cut into the only time I spend
with my son all week.

There it is.

Okay, if you're not
being a bully,

you're playing the martyr.

You know why I don't want
to take a trip with you?

Because you are 100%
pure uncut misery.

You suck the joy out
of any situation.

You are a joyless
fun-sucker. Yeah.

All right.

Let me have it, Peggy.

Okay, vomit up the bile
like you always do.

Tell me why I'm such a horrible,
ungrateful daughter-in-law.

Mom?

Oh, faking

a heart attack.

Classic fun-sucker move.

Molly, she's not faking.

Call 911.

Oh, my God.

Okay. All right.

Oh, I can't...
I hate this purse.

I can't find anything.

Use the landline.

Good idea. Good idea.

It's okay, Ma. It's okay.

Keep listening to my voice.

You're gonna be okay.

Okay, I dialed my cell phone.

When it rings, pick it up
and then dial 911.

Just call 911!

Better.

You're going to be okay.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

Hey.

How's she doing?

Well, she seemed to come
around in the ambulance

and when the paramedic
opened her shirt,

she slapped him
and called him a pervert, so...

Well, that's a good sign.

So, so what happened?

Excellent question.

I mean, really excellent,
uh, question.

Who, who knows
what ever actually,

really is ever happening.

Eh, you know.

So she just keeled over,
right out of the blue?

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

I mean, we were, we were talking

about taking a,
a trip together to the casino.

And our, our schedules weren't,
weren't quite lining up.

And um, you know,
she may have started

to get a, a little bit upset
about that, but...

Oh, so, you were fighting.

That makes more sense.

No, no, no, no.

We were not fighting.

We were having
a spirited conversation.

So you were really
giving it to her.

No.

No.

Why am I on trial here?

I mean,
Peggy had a heart attack.

We are all very concerned.

End of story.

Got it. You weren't even there.

You could say you were
with me and Joyce.

Yeah, we were playing rummy.

This helps us, too.

No, nobody's helping anybody.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Hey.

Hey, how is she?

What'd the doctor say?

It was a mild heart attack.

She's resting, they're going

to keep her overnight
for observation,

but we should be able to
bring her home tomorrow.

Okay, good.

Thank God.

How are you doing?
I've been better.

I'm just, I'm glad she's okay.

Me, too.

Me, me, too.

You know, Carl,
we've seen it all on this job.

But when it's your mother
laying on the ground,

nothing can prepare you
for that.

Yeah, it's a good
thing you were there.

Damn right.

I'm such a terrible son.

I had to drag myself over
to that Sunday dinner.

Hey, come on now.

It's not just about
your mother, all right.

You drag yourself everywhere.

I think it's your low
center of gravity, just...

Well, she deserves better.

I mean, she raised me
all by herself

on a lunch lady's paycheck.

Do you know how hard that is?

Mm. They sacrifice
everything for us.

And what do we do for them?
Nothing.

Actually, I bought mine a Kindle

and a well for her village.

So speak for yourself.

I'm telling you, man,
this is a wakeup call.

I'm getting a second chance
with her.

I'm not going to take it
for granted.

Good for you. I'm not going
to let things go unsaid.

I'm going to make sure
she knows how I feel.

As you should.

And if you love somebody,
tell them.

It doesn't cost you nothing.

Mike.

Don't say it, Carl.

Man, don't flatter yourself.

I was going to ask you
to pass me the salt.

Thank you.

And I love you.

All right.

Vince, how we doing?

Just finished.

So you got the bench
and the handrails in the shower?

Check.

And that elevated toilet seat
is in

and works like a charm, once
you get used to the splashing.

I told you to stay off of it.

You kidding? That's like baking
a cake without taking a bite.

Okay, are we missing anything?

I mean,
should we cover the outlets

or is that just for babies?

Molly,

relax, you've done plenty.

I ever tell you the time I was
watching my neighbor's parrot

while they were on vacation?

Nope.

I never let that thing
out of my sight

until one day
I left him in a hot car

because they wouldn't let birds
in the bowling alley.

I felt awful.

Car smelled like fried chicken
for two weeks.

Vince.

Is there a point to your story?

I'm just saying guilt
is a funny thing.

Eventually I forgave myself.

Maybe you should do the same.

There's no need for forgiveness.

I'm being a good
daughter-in-law.

You're the one
that murdered a parrot.

Hey, we both got blood
on our hands.

Mine's just
got feathers mixed in.

Trust me, Vince,
if I could cause a heart attack,

you'd be floppin'
on the floor right now.

Here we are, home sweet home.

Hi, Peggy.

Oh, look who got her color back.

They must've been giving you
nitroglycerin

because you look dynamite.

Ah.

Get out.

Well, Vince, you heard her.

No, you. Get the hell
out of my house.

What?

There's an elevated
toilet seat, just...

...watch out for the splashing.

Why are you making her soup

when she threw you
out of her house?

She just went through a trauma.

She's lashing out at
the first person she saw.

Didn't she see Mike first?

And Vince was there, too.

Well...

You know what?
I'm the strongest,

and she knew
that I could take it.

And frankly, I'm glad
I could be there for her.

Hey.

Hey. I just got
to grab some stuff

and then I'm headed
back over to Mom's.

Oh good. You know what,
take this with you.

I made her turkey noodle soup.

And I left the bones in 'cause
I know she loves to crack 'em.

Ah, that, that's okay,
leave it here.

No, Mike, come on,
I want to help.

Don't you think
you've done enough?

What's that supposed to mean?

Look, uh, I don't want
to get into this right now.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Come on, you can't blame all

of this on me, can you?

You mean,
would she have had a heart attack

if you hadn't yelled at her?

It's a good question.

Hey, let's go do that thing
we were going to do.

To get away from their fighting?

Yes.

We are not fighting.

Yes, we are.

Look, all she wanted was

to spend a little time with you,

and you couldn't give her that.

Mike, I spent
the last six months

with her writing
a book. I did my time.

My mother is not
a stretch at Joliet.

I didn't mean it like that.

Admit it, you never liked her.

When have I ever denied it?

Ah, here we go.

Easy with the leg.

I'm not Nadia Comaneci.

Well, I'm just trying
to make you comfortable, Ma.

Eh.

All right, do you feel any of
the following?

Dizziness?
No.

Numbness?
No.

Any pain?
Yep.

Where?
Right in front of me.

Look, I'm just following
doctor's orders.

And by the way,
you can't have a BLT.

Too many nitrates.

Ah, what do these doctors know?

They keep flip-flopping
on stuff.

One day smoking's bad,
one day it's good.

But it, it actually says on
the package, "This will kill you."

You'll see.

I'm just glad
you're home and okay.

I don't know what I'd do
if something happened to you.

I told you,

open that metal box
in the attic.

Everything you need to know
is in there.

And if the dog's alive,
put him down.

I'm not killing your dog.

I'm not asking you
to strangle him.

There's a biscuit in the freezer

marked, "Do not eat."

All right, well,
we'll worry about that later.

You know, in a weird way,
I'm actually glad

all of this happened.

Great, I'll see if I can work up

a stroke for your next birthday.

That's not what I meant.

I'm just saying, it gives us
a chance to talk,

so things don't go unsaid.

Like what?

Well, like I love you.

I know that.
What else you got?

That was kind of the biggie.

You got anything
you want to say to me?

Yeah. Open casket,
blue dress for me,

blue sweater for the dog.

All right,
you want mayo on that BLT?

Thanks.

Mom, you got a sec?

Everything okay, sweetie?

Oh, yeah, I just...
I can't sleep.

Come here.

Tell Mommy what the trouble is.

Poppy's here, too.

I just, I keep
going over and over

the fight I had with Mike,

and I-I've been
really thinking hard

about what he said.

Good for you, honey.

Self-reflection's not
an easy thing to do.

No, it's not.

And, you know,
the more I think about it,

and Peggy's heart attack

and, and what led up to it

the more I'm starting
to realize,

I did absolutely nothing wrong.

I thought she was going the

other way with that.

Could you just let her
get to her point.

No, that was my point.

Really?

Did I say some horrible things
to Peggy?

Yes, because she makes me.

I mean, she is the meanest,

most obstinate, uh, obnoxious

woman in the world.

And if anything
was to ever happen to her,

I don't know what I'd do.

Oh, honey.

You know, I don't
know how she did it,

but that old witch
made me love her.

Well, she raised Mike.

There must be something good
in there.

I know.

Peggy doesn't give a damn

what anybody thinks, or,

I mean, she's brutally honest

and she's probably
the only person

that isn't afraid of me.

She's right about that.

Take it easy.

I'm just agreeing with you.

Oh, damn it.

You okay, Ma?

Oh yeah, what the hell are

you doing in here?

Well, I heard a crash.

Suction on the shower caddy
gave out.

Well, we both had a good run.

All right, thank God.

Look, don't move, I'll get it.

Oh, the hell you will.

Look, this is no
time for modesty.

I am not an invalid.

No, you're a woman
who just had a heart attack.

Now back up, I'm going in blind.

All right.

Thanks, Mikey.

Must've taken some guts

to come crashing in here.

I'll admit, I busted through
a lot of doors over my years,

but, uh, that one
was the hardest.

Oh, seems like yesterday

I was giving you baths
in that sink.

Really?
Oh, yeah.

You'd sit there
like a little wet Buddha,

sucking on a stick
of Right Guard.

You let me suck on deodorant?

Relax,
it was the unscented kind.

Listen,

the last thing I want to be
is a burden to you.

Stop it. This is just
a little setback.

You and I both know

where this is going.

I hate that you got
to go through it with me.

Well, I don't.

I'm your son. I'm honored.

You put diapers on me,
and when the time comes,

I will hire someone
to put diapers on you.

You're a good boy, Mikey.

Now, hand me that razor

and a can of Barbisol.

Time for some spring cleaning.

Oh, careful
on that floor, Mikey.

When it gets wet,
it's like an ice rink.

Hey, don't worry about me.

Mikey, you all right?

No!

Oh, Mikey, I'm coming.

Wait.

Okay, now you can help me.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Hey, you.

How are you feeling, honey?

Great.

Oh, you're so pretty.

Okay, okay.

Don't let that pretty stuff go
to your head.

That's the dope drip talking.

Okay, what happened?

I was taking a shower
with my mommy.

Boy, he is...
he is really out of it.

No, that's actually true.

I was in the shower,

he was trying
to help me shave my...

Eh, eh, eh...

and the end.

Wow, I can't,
uh, seem to keep

this family out of the hospital.

Listen, Peggy, if, if you think
that I did something

that may have caused
your heart attack, I'm sorry.

Oh, please,
don't flatter yourself.

You couldn't kill me
if you tried.

Well...

well, then why are
you so mad at me?

Just drop it.

Well, I think...

I think we both know
I'm not going to do that.

We worked side by side

for six months straight

and you won't sit next to me
for a three hour van ride?

Peggy, it's actually
six hours round-trip.

Well, I'm sorry it's
such a hardship for you.

You know, I thought that's
what friends do together.

Friends?

Never mind.

No, no, now,

I just have never thought
of us that way.

I just need a minute to kind
of roll it around in there.

I like it.

You know? Friend.

I regretted it
as soon as I said it.

Well, no take backs.

You know what I like
to do to my friends?

To hug 'em.

I like to hug 'em.

I liked you better

when you were trying to kill me.

Are you guys hugging?

I am so high.

What a crew, huh?

Don't worry, we won't have

to ride back with these girls.

They're getting
the early shuttle.

Why aren't we getting
the early shuttle?

Are you kidding?

Once these old biddies
warm up the slots,

we'll have the pick
of the litter.

Plus, at midnight,
it's half off shrimp.

Boy, a long van ride
and midnight shrimp.

Mm-hmm.

Does it get any better?

See?

And you didn't want to come.

Who is this, Peggy?

My daughter-in-law.

I thought you
didn't care for her.

No, it's my other one.

You don't have another one.

Come on, we got three
hours ahead of us.

You going to make this awkward?