Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 6, Episode 2 - One Small Step for Mike - full transcript
Molly hopes that a fitness device will encourage Mike to be more active and take better care of himself, but Mike has other plans for it.
Door!
Door!
Anybody hear that?!
Mike, I was upstairs.
Well, that's why I yelled.
Hey, thank you.
Oh, not that you deserve this,
but I think this is
your present.
Okay, I'm not even gonna
try to fake it.
I forgot all about
whatever special day it is,
every day
with you is a gift.
No special day, but...
I just wanted
to get you something.
I know how you love the gadgets.
Oh, is it one of those new
Dick Tracy phone watches?
Me and Carl been
dying to get 'em.
Better.
It's a step counter.
Oh.
Huh?
You know how you're always
talking about taking more walks
and getting into better shape.
Eh, doesn't sound
like me, but go on.
No, w-with this, you can track
every mile you walk every day.
Ah, you mean you can track
every mile I don't walk every day.
No. No.
I mean, I can.
But that's... it's not
why I'm getting it.
I mean, I'm getting it
so we can do it together.
Look.
It's got a twinsie.
Wow, that is so cute.
I don't want to wear it.
Well, listen.
I know I can't make you do
anything that you
don't want to do.
Yes, you can.
No.
No, I can't.
'Cause you are too smart
and too handsome
and... and too powerful.
Just give me it.
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
32, 33, 34, 35,
36, 37, 38, 39, 40.
All right.
So it's 40 steps
from the car to here.
What's your total for the day?
52.
What? How the hell
did you only walk 12 steps
at the station house?
Well, easy,
our desk chairs have wheels.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Our freezer broke,
so the soup of the day is ice cream.
Uh, just dry toast for me.
Really?
Well, I may not be getting in
as many steps as I want,
but I am still trying
to watch what I eat.
Oh, good for you.
Uh, I, on the other hand,
ran six miles this morning,
so I'm-a have the BLT
with pistachio... "gazpach-io."
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Now, make sure that that's
wheat toast and not white.
White bread is mostly sugar,
which we all know
is basically poison.
Got it, hold the poison.
Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Uh, I did read somewhere that butter
is now good for us again,
so, uh, a little bit
of butter, but no jelly.
So just bread and butter?
And bacon.
Yeah.
Because I need protein
for energy.
And, you know, I should
probably have some vegetables.
Perhaps lettuce and tomato?
That could work.
So one BLT and one order
of toast with bacon,
lettuce and tomato.
And butter.
What?
Have you noticed
how good your wife looks?
Yeah, so?
I thought the two of you
were supposed
to be on the same program.
Look, she's had a head start.
She's been walking for weeks.
Besides, we're not gonna
share the same results
due to my thick blood.
Your thick blood?
Yeah, it doesn't flow
through my veins
as quick as other people,
so calories don't burn off
at the same rate.
I can't fight science.
How do you think Molly feels
when she's out there
stepping up her game,
and you're in here
buttering your bacon?
I guess she would like it
if I showed a little more effort.
That's right.
If you won't do it for yourself,
do it for the ones you love.
Samuel!
You're always bellyaching about
being on your feet all day.
See what kind of numbers
you throw up.
I'll pick it up after work.
Seriously?
Like you said, it's for Molly.
♪ ♪
Nice walk, ladies.
Ooh, two miles, 33 minutes.
Let's see if we can get it
under 30 on the way home.
I'm pretty sure I will
'cause I'm taking a cab.
Oh, come on.
You got to admit, once you
start moving, it's kind of fun.
Hey, marching band, at ease.
In a second.
I don't like sitting down
until my numbers end
in an even number.
And...
got it.
Oh, wait, no, not got it.
And... got it.
No, I don't. Okay,
wait a minute.
Got it! Got it.
You don't think you're getting
just a little bit obsessive
about that gadget?
Yes, and that's
the beauty of it.
I want to please it
and make it proud of me.
I'm proud of you.
Oh, see, that does
nothing for me.
You know, I was thinking,
maybe we could take
one of those walking vacations.
Like hiking the hills of Tuscany
or climbing Machu Picchu.
"We" who?
Me and Mike.
Mike who?
Mi...
Mike Mike, my husband.
Sweetie, I don't want
to pee on your parade,
but I don't see him
as the climbing type.
Yeah, I see him more
as a burrowing creature.
No, he's coming along.
You know, at his own pace.
He's just a little slower
'cause of his thick blood.
Thick what?
I don't know.
I mean, it's a whole thing.
He'd have to explain it to you.
I think it's sweet that you
believe in him. Thank you.
Even though he's given you
no reason to at all.
Oh.
Ooh, the boss is buzzing.
Okay, ladies, take those to go.
We got to get a move on.
Ooh, she is in a mood!
♪ ♪
Vince, is Molly home?
No, she's out walking
with the girls.
What do you know
about electronics?
Let's put it this way:
I pushed the wrong button
on the remote
and been stuck
watching Law & Order
with Spanish subtitles
for the last hour.
Damn it.
¿Que es su problema?
It's this damn step counter.
I got to figure out
a way to change the numbers.
You're not gonna like my suggestion,
but how about walk?
No, I need
to make the number lower.
I-I put it on Samuel
and apparently he never sits down.
The son of a bitch
logged seven miles.
That is not a believable
number for you, my friend.
Don't you think I know that?
No, that's why
I got to roll back the mileage
before Molly sees it.
Well, unless it's a '67
Buick on your wrist,
I can't help you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey!
There they are.
The street walkers.
Guess who just walked 8,213...
No...
14 steps?
Wow, that is great.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah, how'd you do today?
With what?
With your walking.
Oh, that is a very good question
that has a very sad answer.
I... I lost the damn counter
and I am sick about it.
Oh, that's okay.
And I was doing so good, too.
It's true.
He sure was sweating
when he came in here.
You know what,
just give me your phone. Okay.
Why?
Oh, you just go to the app
and you hit a button
and it'll find your wristband.
No, don't do that.
Why not?
Well, because, I mean,
maybe whoever found it
needs it more than me.
Oh, God, that poor, poor man.
The call's coming
from inside Vince.
Sit up.
never give a broad your phone.
You walked seven miles?
Mike, that is amazing.
How did you find
enough time to walk that far?
You know,
now that I think about it,
this-this could have happened
when I put it on Samuel
for a few minutes.
I mean, who knows how much
he put on that thing?
Seven miles?
About seven miles, yeah.
Mike.
Come on, I was doing it for you.
Aw.
No, there is no "aw" here.
Mike, what is the big deal?
The big deal is that
I don't like that this thing
is tracking my every movement.
I-I feel like
I've been LoJacked.
Okay, come on, just
give it another shot.
I promise it's fun.
I mean, look,
come on.
Huh? Huh?
What's not fun about this?
This... is not fun to me.
It's stupid.
You want to see fun?
Watch this.
Whoo-hoo!
Okay, I tried.
You just stay here
and sit on your ass.
Ass.
Molly, come on...
Want to call Samuel
to chase after her?
Shut up!
Hey.
Hey.
I thought we should
clear the air.
I would like that.
Okay.
Do you know what this is?
A bowling ball.
Not a bowling ball.
Your bowling ball that I bought
for you three Christmases ago.
The orange Lady Brunswick
that you never used.
But did I get angry?
Nope.
I realized it wasn't your thing,
and I let it go.
Let it go.
Well, I'm sorry.
I just wanted us to be healthy
and I thought I figured out
a fun way for us
to do it together.
Well, I'm sorry.
It's not as easy for me
as it is for you.
You know that I have...
If you say "thick blood"
one more time,
I'm gonna splatter it
all over the floor.
Yeah, well, good luck,
it runs like maple syrup.
Look, I'm just saying
I don't like exercising
as much as you do.
Nobody likes exercising.
They like how they feel
when they're done.
In other words,
when they're not exercising.
Honey, I know how hard it is
to get started up again,
but it is worth it.
Look at all these clothes.
They're too big!
I'm getting rid of them.
How exciting is that?
Yeah, but don't you think you
should hold on to some of those?
Why? Well, you're doing good
at this walking thing now,
but, I mean,
you're gonna kick yourself
when you need
these clothes again.
Wow.
Hey, listen, when they ask you
to coach Little League
or maybe be
a motivational speaker,
just say, "No, thanks."
'Cause you suck at it!
Look, I'm just saying,
I've been there, okay?
I lost a little weight,
got a little cocky,
sold my clothes
at a garage sale.
Six weeks later, I'm knocking
on the neighbor's door
trying to get 'em back.
It's embarrassing.
You know what's embarrassing?
Knocking on their door again
and asking for a place
to stay tonight.
Well, I'm sorry
if the truth hurts!
Ow! Hey, that's got big buttons!
You know, I can't win with her.
If I lie to her, she gets mad;
if I tell her the truth, I get
a mouthful of brass buttons.
That was a hideous blazer.
I'm glad she got rid of it.
I don't know what happened.
We had a formula for success,
you know?
Don't stand when you can sit,
don't sit when you can lay down.
It's simple but it works.
And now suddenly that's
not good enough for her.
Exactly. She's trying to change
me into something I'm not.
How dare she?
It's like painting
over the Mona Lisa.
Hey, I am the exact same guy
I was the day she met me,
and if that's not good enough,
that's her problem, not mine.
I don't know, man.
It's starting to sound like
it's your problem.
Hey, Molly is the one
who's changed.
If anyone should feel betrayed,
it's me.
'Cause she wants you
to walk more.
Yeah, that's just how it starts.
Next thing you know,
we're taking the stairs.
Or maybe a 5K for charity.
If I don't make a stand now,
who knows where this will end?
Um, with you living
a long and healthy life?
Oh, she'd love that.
Mmm.
Is Molly stress baking?
I'm not stress baking.
Are you stressed?
Yes.
Are you baking?
Yes.
You know, I try to get him
on the right track
and all he does
is try to sabotage me.
You know what it is?
I'm doing well, and it scares
the hell out of him.
Men. They're always
trying to hold you down.
And pull your hair.
I think he'd be happy
if we just sat on the couch
for the rest of our lives.
They're gonna find
two old skeletons
with an old pizza box
between 'em.
Wait a minute,
I'm good at these riddles.
Was the pizza poisoned?
Yeah. Mystery solved.
You didn't really expect
him to start hopping to
once you got that stupid
thing on his wrist, did you?
I mean, I didn't expect the guy
to start walking across America
like Forrest Gump,
but I thought I'd get
one block out of him.
Okay.
Ooh.
There we go.
These turned out nice, huh?
They're beautiful.
Nothing like fresh-baked cookies.
Yeah.
I told you I wouldn't eat any.
Yeah.
♪ ♪
Look at this neighborhood.
Remember when it was filled with
prostitutes and drug dealers?
Mm-hmm.
Now it's filled
with bearded hipsters
making artisanal pickles.
I hate hipsters
and I hate change.
But you love artisanal pickles.
I do.
See?
Not all change is bad.
You know, I never
asked her to change.
I like the woman I married.
I love the woman I married.
Hey, she's still the same woman.
No, she's not.
She's 10,000 steps ahead of me
and getting further away
every day.
Well, I guess there's
only one thing to do.
What's that?
Let her go.
I mean, you said it yourself.
You're not gonna change,
so you may as well go back
to the way you were
before you met her.
You know, just living
in your sad-ass apartment.
Using towels for curtains
and T-shirts for towels.
God knows what you
used for toilet paper.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not the one
being ridiculous.
Now, if you're not willing
to get off your ass
and be a part of your marriage,
then you deserve to lose her.
That's enough.
Pull over.
I tell you this
for your own good.
I said pull over.
Yeah. Don't listen.
But I got news for you, pal!
It's not your blood
that's thick, it's your head!
Where'd you get that cookie?
You know damn well
where I got it.
Stay out of my shame.
Hey, is Mike down here?
Nope.
Just me and the Cookie Monster.
I called Carl and he said
Mike got out of the car
in the middle of nowhere
last night.
Did you try his cell phone?
It just goes straight through
to voice mail.
This isn't like him.
Okay, honey.
Just-just relax.
I'm sure he's fine.
Right, Vince?
I don't know.
Sometimes even the nicest guys
lead a double life.
Remember that preacher
from Florida?
Had three different families.
One of the wives found out,
fed his gonads to a gator.
Come on, Mike barely has
enough energy for one family.
This is not helping.
Oh, God. Mike!
Where have you been?
I went for a little walk.
But... 25,000 steps?
That... that-that's 13 miles.
Yeah. 11 intentional,
two 'cause I got lost.
Are you...
Your poor feet
must be killing you.
Oh, not at all.
I haven't felt them for hours.
You didn't have
to do this for me.
Oh, I did.
I really did,
'cause I sure as hell
didn't do it for me.
This may be the sweetest
thing anyone has ever done.
And guess what.
You and I are going bowling tonight.
Tonight?
No. Maybe... maybe
another night.
Maybe another night.
I'm just glad I got all
this walking over with.
Yeah...
It's... it's never really over.
All right, well,
since we're being honest,
I'm probably gonna keep
fighting you on this.
Oh.
I love that you still
think you have a choice.
We gotta start parking
farther away from Abe's.
I'm never gonna hit
my goal today.
hitting goals, parking far.
You're giving that thick blood
a run for its money.
I'm telling you, Carl,
once you start exercising,
you feel those endorphins,
you're not gonna want to stop.
Thank you.
I'll think about
that sage advice
while I'm running my triathlon
this weekend.
Just let me have this.
Okay, I gotta get some steps in.
You want a warm-up?
I would.
All right.
As long as you're chasing
those endorphins,
I'll take a Danish, too.
One Danish, coming up.
Uh, what's going on?
Mike finally figured out
what his feet are for.
Aw, baby's first steps.
Are those
going to table six?
I'd be happy to walk
them over for you.
Yes.
All right. I got this.
Why don't you take a load off?
Thank you.
All right,
I'll check on that two-top
in the corner, too.
They're getting a little antsy.
I think they're ready to order.
So, what's good here?
Door!
Anybody hear that?!
Mike, I was upstairs.
Well, that's why I yelled.
Hey, thank you.
Oh, not that you deserve this,
but I think this is
your present.
Okay, I'm not even gonna
try to fake it.
I forgot all about
whatever special day it is,
every day
with you is a gift.
No special day, but...
I just wanted
to get you something.
I know how you love the gadgets.
Oh, is it one of those new
Dick Tracy phone watches?
Me and Carl been
dying to get 'em.
Better.
It's a step counter.
Oh.
Huh?
You know how you're always
talking about taking more walks
and getting into better shape.
Eh, doesn't sound
like me, but go on.
No, w-with this, you can track
every mile you walk every day.
Ah, you mean you can track
every mile I don't walk every day.
No. No.
I mean, I can.
But that's... it's not
why I'm getting it.
I mean, I'm getting it
so we can do it together.
Look.
It's got a twinsie.
Wow, that is so cute.
I don't want to wear it.
Well, listen.
I know I can't make you do
anything that you
don't want to do.
Yes, you can.
No.
No, I can't.
'Cause you are too smart
and too handsome
and... and too powerful.
Just give me it.
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
32, 33, 34, 35,
36, 37, 38, 39, 40.
All right.
So it's 40 steps
from the car to here.
What's your total for the day?
52.
What? How the hell
did you only walk 12 steps
at the station house?
Well, easy,
our desk chairs have wheels.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Our freezer broke,
so the soup of the day is ice cream.
Uh, just dry toast for me.
Really?
Well, I may not be getting in
as many steps as I want,
but I am still trying
to watch what I eat.
Oh, good for you.
Uh, I, on the other hand,
ran six miles this morning,
so I'm-a have the BLT
with pistachio... "gazpach-io."
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Now, make sure that that's
wheat toast and not white.
White bread is mostly sugar,
which we all know
is basically poison.
Got it, hold the poison.
Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Uh, I did read somewhere that butter
is now good for us again,
so, uh, a little bit
of butter, but no jelly.
So just bread and butter?
And bacon.
Yeah.
Because I need protein
for energy.
And, you know, I should
probably have some vegetables.
Perhaps lettuce and tomato?
That could work.
So one BLT and one order
of toast with bacon,
lettuce and tomato.
And butter.
What?
Have you noticed
how good your wife looks?
Yeah, so?
I thought the two of you
were supposed
to be on the same program.
Look, she's had a head start.
She's been walking for weeks.
Besides, we're not gonna
share the same results
due to my thick blood.
Your thick blood?
Yeah, it doesn't flow
through my veins
as quick as other people,
so calories don't burn off
at the same rate.
I can't fight science.
How do you think Molly feels
when she's out there
stepping up her game,
and you're in here
buttering your bacon?
I guess she would like it
if I showed a little more effort.
That's right.
If you won't do it for yourself,
do it for the ones you love.
Samuel!
You're always bellyaching about
being on your feet all day.
See what kind of numbers
you throw up.
I'll pick it up after work.
Seriously?
Like you said, it's for Molly.
♪ ♪
Nice walk, ladies.
Ooh, two miles, 33 minutes.
Let's see if we can get it
under 30 on the way home.
I'm pretty sure I will
'cause I'm taking a cab.
Oh, come on.
You got to admit, once you
start moving, it's kind of fun.
Hey, marching band, at ease.
In a second.
I don't like sitting down
until my numbers end
in an even number.
And...
got it.
Oh, wait, no, not got it.
And... got it.
No, I don't. Okay,
wait a minute.
Got it! Got it.
You don't think you're getting
just a little bit obsessive
about that gadget?
Yes, and that's
the beauty of it.
I want to please it
and make it proud of me.
I'm proud of you.
Oh, see, that does
nothing for me.
You know, I was thinking,
maybe we could take
one of those walking vacations.
Like hiking the hills of Tuscany
or climbing Machu Picchu.
"We" who?
Me and Mike.
Mike who?
Mi...
Mike Mike, my husband.
Sweetie, I don't want
to pee on your parade,
but I don't see him
as the climbing type.
Yeah, I see him more
as a burrowing creature.
No, he's coming along.
You know, at his own pace.
He's just a little slower
'cause of his thick blood.
Thick what?
I don't know.
I mean, it's a whole thing.
He'd have to explain it to you.
I think it's sweet that you
believe in him. Thank you.
Even though he's given you
no reason to at all.
Oh.
Ooh, the boss is buzzing.
Okay, ladies, take those to go.
We got to get a move on.
Ooh, she is in a mood!
♪ ♪
Vince, is Molly home?
No, she's out walking
with the girls.
What do you know
about electronics?
Let's put it this way:
I pushed the wrong button
on the remote
and been stuck
watching Law & Order
with Spanish subtitles
for the last hour.
Damn it.
¿Que es su problema?
It's this damn step counter.
I got to figure out
a way to change the numbers.
You're not gonna like my suggestion,
but how about walk?
No, I need
to make the number lower.
I-I put it on Samuel
and apparently he never sits down.
The son of a bitch
logged seven miles.
That is not a believable
number for you, my friend.
Don't you think I know that?
No, that's why
I got to roll back the mileage
before Molly sees it.
Well, unless it's a '67
Buick on your wrist,
I can't help you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey!
There they are.
The street walkers.
Guess who just walked 8,213...
No...
14 steps?
Wow, that is great.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah, how'd you do today?
With what?
With your walking.
Oh, that is a very good question
that has a very sad answer.
I... I lost the damn counter
and I am sick about it.
Oh, that's okay.
And I was doing so good, too.
It's true.
He sure was sweating
when he came in here.
You know what,
just give me your phone. Okay.
Why?
Oh, you just go to the app
and you hit a button
and it'll find your wristband.
No, don't do that.
Why not?
Well, because, I mean,
maybe whoever found it
needs it more than me.
Oh, God, that poor, poor man.
The call's coming
from inside Vince.
Sit up.
never give a broad your phone.
You walked seven miles?
Mike, that is amazing.
How did you find
enough time to walk that far?
You know,
now that I think about it,
this-this could have happened
when I put it on Samuel
for a few minutes.
I mean, who knows how much
he put on that thing?
Seven miles?
About seven miles, yeah.
Mike.
Come on, I was doing it for you.
Aw.
No, there is no "aw" here.
Mike, what is the big deal?
The big deal is that
I don't like that this thing
is tracking my every movement.
I-I feel like
I've been LoJacked.
Okay, come on, just
give it another shot.
I promise it's fun.
I mean, look,
come on.
Huh? Huh?
What's not fun about this?
This... is not fun to me.
It's stupid.
You want to see fun?
Watch this.
Whoo-hoo!
Okay, I tried.
You just stay here
and sit on your ass.
Ass.
Molly, come on...
Want to call Samuel
to chase after her?
Shut up!
Hey.
Hey.
I thought we should
clear the air.
I would like that.
Okay.
Do you know what this is?
A bowling ball.
Not a bowling ball.
Your bowling ball that I bought
for you three Christmases ago.
The orange Lady Brunswick
that you never used.
But did I get angry?
Nope.
I realized it wasn't your thing,
and I let it go.
Let it go.
Well, I'm sorry.
I just wanted us to be healthy
and I thought I figured out
a fun way for us
to do it together.
Well, I'm sorry.
It's not as easy for me
as it is for you.
You know that I have...
If you say "thick blood"
one more time,
I'm gonna splatter it
all over the floor.
Yeah, well, good luck,
it runs like maple syrup.
Look, I'm just saying
I don't like exercising
as much as you do.
Nobody likes exercising.
They like how they feel
when they're done.
In other words,
when they're not exercising.
Honey, I know how hard it is
to get started up again,
but it is worth it.
Look at all these clothes.
They're too big!
I'm getting rid of them.
How exciting is that?
Yeah, but don't you think you
should hold on to some of those?
Why? Well, you're doing good
at this walking thing now,
but, I mean,
you're gonna kick yourself
when you need
these clothes again.
Wow.
Hey, listen, when they ask you
to coach Little League
or maybe be
a motivational speaker,
just say, "No, thanks."
'Cause you suck at it!
Look, I'm just saying,
I've been there, okay?
I lost a little weight,
got a little cocky,
sold my clothes
at a garage sale.
Six weeks later, I'm knocking
on the neighbor's door
trying to get 'em back.
It's embarrassing.
You know what's embarrassing?
Knocking on their door again
and asking for a place
to stay tonight.
Well, I'm sorry
if the truth hurts!
Ow! Hey, that's got big buttons!
You know, I can't win with her.
If I lie to her, she gets mad;
if I tell her the truth, I get
a mouthful of brass buttons.
That was a hideous blazer.
I'm glad she got rid of it.
I don't know what happened.
We had a formula for success,
you know?
Don't stand when you can sit,
don't sit when you can lay down.
It's simple but it works.
And now suddenly that's
not good enough for her.
Exactly. She's trying to change
me into something I'm not.
How dare she?
It's like painting
over the Mona Lisa.
Hey, I am the exact same guy
I was the day she met me,
and if that's not good enough,
that's her problem, not mine.
I don't know, man.
It's starting to sound like
it's your problem.
Hey, Molly is the one
who's changed.
If anyone should feel betrayed,
it's me.
'Cause she wants you
to walk more.
Yeah, that's just how it starts.
Next thing you know,
we're taking the stairs.
Or maybe a 5K for charity.
If I don't make a stand now,
who knows where this will end?
Um, with you living
a long and healthy life?
Oh, she'd love that.
Mmm.
Is Molly stress baking?
I'm not stress baking.
Are you stressed?
Yes.
Are you baking?
Yes.
You know, I try to get him
on the right track
and all he does
is try to sabotage me.
You know what it is?
I'm doing well, and it scares
the hell out of him.
Men. They're always
trying to hold you down.
And pull your hair.
I think he'd be happy
if we just sat on the couch
for the rest of our lives.
They're gonna find
two old skeletons
with an old pizza box
between 'em.
Wait a minute,
I'm good at these riddles.
Was the pizza poisoned?
Yeah. Mystery solved.
You didn't really expect
him to start hopping to
once you got that stupid
thing on his wrist, did you?
I mean, I didn't expect the guy
to start walking across America
like Forrest Gump,
but I thought I'd get
one block out of him.
Okay.
Ooh.
There we go.
These turned out nice, huh?
They're beautiful.
Nothing like fresh-baked cookies.
Yeah.
I told you I wouldn't eat any.
Yeah.
♪ ♪
Look at this neighborhood.
Remember when it was filled with
prostitutes and drug dealers?
Mm-hmm.
Now it's filled
with bearded hipsters
making artisanal pickles.
I hate hipsters
and I hate change.
But you love artisanal pickles.
I do.
See?
Not all change is bad.
You know, I never
asked her to change.
I like the woman I married.
I love the woman I married.
Hey, she's still the same woman.
No, she's not.
She's 10,000 steps ahead of me
and getting further away
every day.
Well, I guess there's
only one thing to do.
What's that?
Let her go.
I mean, you said it yourself.
You're not gonna change,
so you may as well go back
to the way you were
before you met her.
You know, just living
in your sad-ass apartment.
Using towels for curtains
and T-shirts for towels.
God knows what you
used for toilet paper.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not the one
being ridiculous.
Now, if you're not willing
to get off your ass
and be a part of your marriage,
then you deserve to lose her.
That's enough.
Pull over.
I tell you this
for your own good.
I said pull over.
Yeah. Don't listen.
But I got news for you, pal!
It's not your blood
that's thick, it's your head!
Where'd you get that cookie?
You know damn well
where I got it.
Stay out of my shame.
Hey, is Mike down here?
Nope.
Just me and the Cookie Monster.
I called Carl and he said
Mike got out of the car
in the middle of nowhere
last night.
Did you try his cell phone?
It just goes straight through
to voice mail.
This isn't like him.
Okay, honey.
Just-just relax.
I'm sure he's fine.
Right, Vince?
I don't know.
Sometimes even the nicest guys
lead a double life.
Remember that preacher
from Florida?
Had three different families.
One of the wives found out,
fed his gonads to a gator.
Come on, Mike barely has
enough energy for one family.
This is not helping.
Oh, God. Mike!
Where have you been?
I went for a little walk.
But... 25,000 steps?
That... that-that's 13 miles.
Yeah. 11 intentional,
two 'cause I got lost.
Are you...
Your poor feet
must be killing you.
Oh, not at all.
I haven't felt them for hours.
You didn't have
to do this for me.
Oh, I did.
I really did,
'cause I sure as hell
didn't do it for me.
This may be the sweetest
thing anyone has ever done.
And guess what.
You and I are going bowling tonight.
Tonight?
No. Maybe... maybe
another night.
Maybe another night.
I'm just glad I got all
this walking over with.
Yeah...
It's... it's never really over.
All right, well,
since we're being honest,
I'm probably gonna keep
fighting you on this.
Oh.
I love that you still
think you have a choice.
We gotta start parking
farther away from Abe's.
I'm never gonna hit
my goal today.
hitting goals, parking far.
You're giving that thick blood
a run for its money.
I'm telling you, Carl,
once you start exercising,
you feel those endorphins,
you're not gonna want to stop.
Thank you.
I'll think about
that sage advice
while I'm running my triathlon
this weekend.
Just let me have this.
Okay, I gotta get some steps in.
You want a warm-up?
I would.
All right.
As long as you're chasing
those endorphins,
I'll take a Danish, too.
One Danish, coming up.
Uh, what's going on?
Mike finally figured out
what his feet are for.
Aw, baby's first steps.
Are those
going to table six?
I'd be happy to walk
them over for you.
Yes.
All right. I got this.
Why don't you take a load off?
Thank you.
All right,
I'll check on that two-top
in the corner, too.
They're getting a little antsy.
I think they're ready to order.
So, what's good here?