Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 9 - Hack to the Future - full transcript
Molly runs into a roadblock in the form of her publisher who wants her to make a provocative rewrite in a section of her book.
Previously on Mike & Molly...
Mike, I was writing.
You're always writing.
That's true. I come home
from drinking, you're writing.
I get up to smoke a bowl,
you're writing.
Honey, you have
a serious problem.
There, done.
What'd you do?
I did what you should have done
a couple of weeks ago.
I sent your book
to your publisher.
You're welcome.
You actually sent it?! Why would
you do something like that?!
Oh, my God!
Know what this is?
This is your face.
Come on!
What is going on with you?
Your whole life, you've always
finished what you've started.
This is different.
It's my first book.
That's a very big deal.
And if they don't like it,
it's over.
My career is done.
Wow.
Who knew publishers
were so fancy?
I'm not sure why I'm whispering.
Maybe it's the art
or the-the sculpture
or the fact that you
haven't spoken to me
to kind of set a level.
Mr. Van Xander
will be right with you.
Okay, so inside voices.
Okay.
He didn't happen to mention
what he thought of my book?
I mean, I know that's
kind of awkward for you,
but this is already so awkward.
Would you like some water?
Yes, I would.
And, uh, if one had
the-the urge to throw up,
where would one do that?
Oh.
Not much of a talker, are you?
Oh.
(laughs)
Is this a trick, or
do I just kind of...
Maybe I'll... maybe I'll crack
it like a coconut. (laughs)
(laughing trails off)
Oh. Oh.
That's... that's tough.
I love it.
And I love you.
Oh, and I love
that you love me, too.
(chuckles nervously)
So what are your plans?
Well, right off the bat,
I want to change my pants.
I mean for your future,
because this, my dear,
is a game changer.
Books like yours don't come
across my desk every day.
I think what we have here
is very nearly perfect.
I really only have one thought.
One thought? Great.
Well, as you have it,
your main character is searching
for spiritual fulfillment
and sexual awakening,
which I love...
Me, too.
I mean, it's internal,
but it's universal.
I mean, it's really the whole
reason I wrote the book.
Mm-hmm, but what if,
instead of all that,
every time she orgasms,
she travels through time?
What?
I mean, think of
it... she would have
to seduce famous
historical figures
in order to climax her way
back to her one true love.
Wow.
(chuckles)
It's, uh, it's...
That's... Wow.
I don't...
I don't know how to...
Wow, but I...
I thought you liked
what I wrote.
Oh, I loved what you wrote.
But now, with my
one little tweak,
we're not talking best seller;
we're talking phenomenon.
Phenomenon, okay.
Phenomenon.
That's a TV series,
movie trilogy
and, if done right, a
very erotic 3-D ride
at Universal Studios.
I hope I'm tall enough.
(laughs)
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
Okay, tell us again.
What were his exact words?
He said, "We're not
talking best seller;
we're talking phenomenon."
I told you!
We're rich!
♪ Phenomenon ♪
♪ Do, do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Phenomenon ♪
ALL: ♪ Do, do-do, do ♪
♪ Phenomenon. ♪
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let's not get ahead
of ourselves,
I still have to do the rewrite.
Oh, you will.
I sent the right kid to college.
Thank you!
Amen to that.
♪ Phenomenon ♪
ALL: ♪ Do, do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Phenomenon ♪
Okay, wait, w-wait,
♪ Do, do-do, do. ♪
Wait, w-w-wait. Wait!
Now it has to be erotic
and historically accurate.
I basically have to write
a whole new book.
Oh, just change
some names and locations.
Yeah, turn panties
into pantaloons,
make it a "ye olde ball gag,"
and you're good to go.
I cannot tell you how
proud of you I am.
And look at me, I'm dancing.
I haven't danced since '86
when the Bears won
the Super Bowl.
I know, you didn't even
dance at our wedding.
Well, I'm dancing now, baby.
Say it.
No, Mike, I...
Say it!
Oh, ♪ Phenomenon ♪
♪ Do, do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Phenomenon ♪
♪ Do, do-do, do ♪
♪ Phenomenon... ♪
I'm telling you, man,
this is the right move.
Now that you're married
to a soon-to-be phenomenon,
you got to have a look.
MIKE: I already got one.
No, what you have is
a look-away.
Try on the gabardines.
The hell's a gabardine?
A shirt? A belt?
Speak English.
You know, you're gonna have to
learn these high-fashion terms
if you're gonna be walking a red
carpet with your famous wife.
Yeah, when they ask you,
"Who are you wearing""
you don't want to say,
"OshKosh B'gosh""
Oh, my B'gosh.
What do you think?
You got a lot
going on there, man.
Cowboy boots, leather jacket.
With an Indian headdress, you
could be all the Village People
wrapped up in one.
I'm not used to putting together
outfits, okay?
When I go shopping,
it's usually for one thing.
And I try it on in the aisle,
over my clothes,
like a normal guy.
Well, those days
are long gone, all right?
You know, you're not plain old
Mike Biggs anymore.
You're Mr. Molly Flynn,
the well dressed symbol
of her success.
Yeah, it's true.
Behind every great man is a
woman who spends all his money.
Are you man enough
to be that woman?
You know what, I might be.
You'll be the Stedman
to her Oprah.
I wonder if he shops here.
Hell no, man, we're in Mervyns.
Here you go.
This usually helps me think.
Hot Dr Pepper and lemon.
Oh.
Luckily, I will not
be needing that,
because, as you can see
by my board,
I have figured out this whole
time-travel direction change.
My crazy cousin had
a wall just like this,
except it was all
about Bernadette Peters.
All right, I-I get it.
It's a... it's a bit of a mess.
But, you know,
it all really makes sense
if you just follow the yarn.
I mean, her...
Okay, the green yarn is
for her emotional journey.
The blue is for when she's going
back into the past.
The yellow is when she's
launching into the future.
And the red,
the red is very good
'cause the red is
the parallel journey
that her lover is taking,
but in the present.
So... I mean,
it's very easy-peasy, really.
One question.
Yeah.
Is that my good yarn?
Yes, although I-I did not know
there was such a thing
as good yarn.
Why is she slutting
her way through time anyway?
Because she's trying to get back
to her one true love.
So when she goes back,
will she time-travel
orgasm with him,
or just fake it
for the rest of her life?
'Cause I've lived
that book with Mike's dad.
It's a very dry read.
I don't know.
I haven't gotten that far yet.
I-I think I'm gonna need
some more yarn.
And does any orgasm do it?
Say she backs herself
onto a Jacuzzi jet...
where does that send her?
Ew, Peggy.
Hey, this is your
cockamamy story.
Not that my opinion matters,
but I like what you had.
It was good writing,
and it made sense.
(sighs) Well, I did, too.
But apparently you're not
supposed to have any of that
if you're trying
to make a phenomenon.
Well, good luck.
I'm gonna go take a bath.
If I disappear,
don't use my good yarn
to come looking for me.
Eh, what do you think?
Hand-stitched calf leather,
limited-edition Brando cut.
Wow.
You're a regular rebel
without a treadmill.
Well, how do you like me now?
I'd love to mock you, but, damn
it, you can pull off a hat.
MIKE: Hey, what are you
doing home so early?
What are you wearing?
Not what, who.
Mervyn.
Why does everything
have to change?
Well, because Carl said
my old clothes looked
like a Goodwill bin
threw up on me.
Mike, if there's anything
I've learned today,
it's to be true to yourself.
And you don't have
to listen to other people.
Those other people's
good ideas can...
might just have you looking
like a big, crazy mess.
But the hat works, right?
Boy, is that a one-way street.
You know, when she wears
something I don't like,
I lie and go, "I love it."
What'd you say?
You are beautiful.
Thank you for seeing me
on such short notice.
Of course! Anything for
my new favorite author.
So, what's on your mind?
Other than brilliant thoughts.
(laughs): Oh, yeah.
Those little suckers are having
quite a wrestling match
up there.
That sounds exciting.
Oh, it's not.
Uh... remember that idea you had
about adding time travel
into my book?
Not "book." Phenomenon.
Oh, yeah, but it...
still has to be a book.
(laughs)
I, uh, eh...
I've been trying to wedge
that bugger of a note in there.
And I'm realizing
that it's kind of unraveling
all the wonderful stuff
I had written originally.
Really? It's just one note.
Yeah.
That changes everything.
Then what are you
sitting here for?
You've got a lot of work to do.
Oh. Yeah.
Um... look.
I-I appreciate everything
you're doing for me,
but I don't think
I'm the person to write this.
I... This should be
in the hands of somebody
that shares your passion
and-and has a lot more yarn
than I have.
Well, I believe
you are that person.
Oh.
And I believe I am not.
Well, I am so sorry if I led you
to believe for one moment
that you had a choice.
What?
I own you.
Bought and paid for.
Now, I don't want
to hear another word
or see you here again
until your character
has shagged her way
to Fred Flintstone and back!
(stammering)
Make it work!
Your time's up.
Ooh.
Could I get, uh,
one of those balls of water?
(clears her throat)
Get my parking valid...
I'll just keep it.
I got it.
Hey, how'd it go
with the publisher?
Not so great, huh?
He said he owned me.
Yeah. You believe that?
He owned me!
Well, he can't say that.
Well, he can and he does.
As long as he's still paying me,
I'm just his little
typing monkey.
Ha!
What is so funny?
Oh... I was just picturing
a little typing monkey.
I'm an idiot!
I mean, what did I think
being a working writer
was gonna be like?
Well, you did buy that beret.
I know.
I ju... I really did think it
was gonna be deep conversations
and, you know, Paris cafés
and drinking absinthe
with other Hemingway wannabes.
Instead you're
sitting on a couch
drinking a beer
with the real deal Mike Biggs.
Not that I don't love you,
but exactly.
If it makes you feel any better,
I had that same
kind of wakeup call
when I first joined the force.
It was nothing like the movies.
What did you want?
Like a French Connection?
No. Police Academy.
Those guys were hilarious
and great at their job.
You know who had it made?
Angela Lansbury.
The old lady
from Murder, She Wrote?
Uh, yeah.
She rode her bike
all over Maine.
She only wrote during the day.
Solved mysteries at night.
God, she had it figured out!
So, what are you gonna do?
First, I'm gonna
finish your beer.
And probably any others
that are left in the house.
Then I'm gonna do what
everybody else with a job does.
I'm gonna suck it up.
I'm gonna do the work.
All right.
But know that if you do
decide to quit,
all my fancy new duds
can go back to Mervyns.
Except the hat.
Aw, you love your hat.
I do. But more importantly,
you know that weird sweat ring
I leave on my pillowcase?
The same thing happened
in the fedora.
All right, all right.
Here we go.
We got this.
Mm-hmm.
Got that. Okay.
Just plug my nose
and dive right in.
She closed her eyes in
ecstasy and awoke in...
Uh, the rope went down...
Oh... 1776!
Okay, 1776 it is!
1776... In the distance,
she heard the town crier.
Hear ye.
Hear ye!
Mr. Franklin!
Mr. Benjamin Franklin!
At your service.
Please.
Don't be frightened.
And I know this may sound odd,
but I need to tell you
that I'm from...
from the future.
Now, I'm sure that this
scares you to your core,
but you need to understand
that I'm not here to harm you.
In fact, I'm here
to make love to you.
And when we do it,
we need to do it well.
So well, in fact,
that our lovemaking
will send me forward
into the future.
Exactly 238 years into the
arms of my one true love.
All right, let's get rutting.
Wait, wait. You're one
of history's greatest scholars,
a scientist and a statesman.
You're just gonna buy into this?
Hey, don't look at me, lady.
You're the one writing
this horse crap.
Just shut up
and take off your pants.
(groans)
Molly?
Use your fingers.
So, how's our
sexy sci-fi coming?
Oh, chug, chug, chugging along.
(chuckles) Well, good.
Just know this... your whole
world is about to change.
You won't be able to
walk down the street
without someone
pointing and saying,
"There's the Timegasm lady""
Ah!
And that's the thought
that keeps me up at night.
Oh... but, you know, but I...
I am having a bit of a dilemma.
And you're the smartest person
that I know,
so I've...
I've come to you for help.
Ah, they all do.
Oh.
It's in the writing.
Mm-hmm.
I've... I've come across
this character...
brilliant man, handsome.
I mean, almost beautiful.
Uh, born in England,
studied at Oxford.
As did I.
No, you didn't.
Yes.
No, you didn't!
Yes.
Oh, my!
That's... Gah!
That's crazy. I, uh...
You know what?
It's funny.
'Cause now that you say that,
and I'm looking at you
and thinking about him,
I'm... You are very similar.
You're very well put together.
Very self-assured.
Is he tall?
Oh! Yeah, I mean, yeah,
he's got to be six...
what are you?
Six-five.
Six... five!
Wow, so is he!
I love it!
Tell me more.
Oh, well, what
can I say?
I mean, every man wants him.
Every woman wants to be him.
Oh, I must tell you I'm
obsessed with this character.
Oh, well, get in line!
So am I.
Yeah, I mean, the...
the problem is that,
you know, with this
time travel element,
she leaves and-and he gets
left behind really early on.
And... well, I'm just
too stupid to figure out
a way to fix it, so...
(quietly): I'm sorry.
I'm going to pitch
something crazy.
Oh.
How about we beef up this
well-endowed gentleman
and, uh, just pull back on the
whole time travel element?
Ooh, aah!
(imitates explosion)
Right?
Wow!
Uh...
tha-that's brilliant!
Oh, my... I mean, I...
Just going off of what you said,
now I'm thinking... can we
just take that whole time...
thing and just get rid of it
and lift the whole thing?
Oh, my God!
Why didn't I think of this?
(sighs)
Because I'm ten
steps ahead of you.
Oh, that's another
character trait
that you might want to add.
Oh, you know what?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, hey! Has anybody seen
an incredibly tall,
dark, handsome man
ten steps ahead of me?
'Cause I have!
(laughs)
Of course, you know, it's
a big change in direction.
I'd have to read some pages
before I could
make the decision.
Yeah, well, you could
read some pages
or you could just read the book.
You played me.
Like a big, British fiddle.
I both love you
and hate you right now.
Oh, the feeling is very mutual.
Now, get me a ball of water
and validate me.
Mike, I was writing.
You're always writing.
That's true. I come home
from drinking, you're writing.
I get up to smoke a bowl,
you're writing.
Honey, you have
a serious problem.
There, done.
What'd you do?
I did what you should have done
a couple of weeks ago.
I sent your book
to your publisher.
You're welcome.
You actually sent it?! Why would
you do something like that?!
Oh, my God!
Know what this is?
This is your face.
Come on!
What is going on with you?
Your whole life, you've always
finished what you've started.
This is different.
It's my first book.
That's a very big deal.
And if they don't like it,
it's over.
My career is done.
Wow.
Who knew publishers
were so fancy?
I'm not sure why I'm whispering.
Maybe it's the art
or the-the sculpture
or the fact that you
haven't spoken to me
to kind of set a level.
Mr. Van Xander
will be right with you.
Okay, so inside voices.
Okay.
He didn't happen to mention
what he thought of my book?
I mean, I know that's
kind of awkward for you,
but this is already so awkward.
Would you like some water?
Yes, I would.
And, uh, if one had
the-the urge to throw up,
where would one do that?
Oh.
Not much of a talker, are you?
Oh.
(laughs)
Is this a trick, or
do I just kind of...
Maybe I'll... maybe I'll crack
it like a coconut. (laughs)
(laughing trails off)
Oh. Oh.
That's... that's tough.
I love it.
And I love you.
Oh, and I love
that you love me, too.
(chuckles nervously)
So what are your plans?
Well, right off the bat,
I want to change my pants.
I mean for your future,
because this, my dear,
is a game changer.
Books like yours don't come
across my desk every day.
I think what we have here
is very nearly perfect.
I really only have one thought.
One thought? Great.
Well, as you have it,
your main character is searching
for spiritual fulfillment
and sexual awakening,
which I love...
Me, too.
I mean, it's internal,
but it's universal.
I mean, it's really the whole
reason I wrote the book.
Mm-hmm, but what if,
instead of all that,
every time she orgasms,
she travels through time?
What?
I mean, think of
it... she would have
to seduce famous
historical figures
in order to climax her way
back to her one true love.
Wow.
(chuckles)
It's, uh, it's...
That's... Wow.
I don't...
I don't know how to...
Wow, but I...
I thought you liked
what I wrote.
Oh, I loved what you wrote.
But now, with my
one little tweak,
we're not talking best seller;
we're talking phenomenon.
Phenomenon, okay.
Phenomenon.
That's a TV series,
movie trilogy
and, if done right, a
very erotic 3-D ride
at Universal Studios.
I hope I'm tall enough.
(laughs)
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
Okay, tell us again.
What were his exact words?
He said, "We're not
talking best seller;
we're talking phenomenon."
I told you!
We're rich!
♪ Phenomenon ♪
♪ Do, do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Phenomenon ♪
ALL: ♪ Do, do-do, do ♪
♪ Phenomenon. ♪
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let's not get ahead
of ourselves,
I still have to do the rewrite.
Oh, you will.
I sent the right kid to college.
Thank you!
Amen to that.
♪ Phenomenon ♪
ALL: ♪ Do, do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Phenomenon ♪
Okay, wait, w-wait,
♪ Do, do-do, do. ♪
Wait, w-w-wait. Wait!
Now it has to be erotic
and historically accurate.
I basically have to write
a whole new book.
Oh, just change
some names and locations.
Yeah, turn panties
into pantaloons,
make it a "ye olde ball gag,"
and you're good to go.
I cannot tell you how
proud of you I am.
And look at me, I'm dancing.
I haven't danced since '86
when the Bears won
the Super Bowl.
I know, you didn't even
dance at our wedding.
Well, I'm dancing now, baby.
Say it.
No, Mike, I...
Say it!
Oh, ♪ Phenomenon ♪
♪ Do, do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Phenomenon ♪
♪ Do, do-do, do ♪
♪ Phenomenon... ♪
I'm telling you, man,
this is the right move.
Now that you're married
to a soon-to-be phenomenon,
you got to have a look.
MIKE: I already got one.
No, what you have is
a look-away.
Try on the gabardines.
The hell's a gabardine?
A shirt? A belt?
Speak English.
You know, you're gonna have to
learn these high-fashion terms
if you're gonna be walking a red
carpet with your famous wife.
Yeah, when they ask you,
"Who are you wearing""
you don't want to say,
"OshKosh B'gosh""
Oh, my B'gosh.
What do you think?
You got a lot
going on there, man.
Cowboy boots, leather jacket.
With an Indian headdress, you
could be all the Village People
wrapped up in one.
I'm not used to putting together
outfits, okay?
When I go shopping,
it's usually for one thing.
And I try it on in the aisle,
over my clothes,
like a normal guy.
Well, those days
are long gone, all right?
You know, you're not plain old
Mike Biggs anymore.
You're Mr. Molly Flynn,
the well dressed symbol
of her success.
Yeah, it's true.
Behind every great man is a
woman who spends all his money.
Are you man enough
to be that woman?
You know what, I might be.
You'll be the Stedman
to her Oprah.
I wonder if he shops here.
Hell no, man, we're in Mervyns.
Here you go.
This usually helps me think.
Hot Dr Pepper and lemon.
Oh.
Luckily, I will not
be needing that,
because, as you can see
by my board,
I have figured out this whole
time-travel direction change.
My crazy cousin had
a wall just like this,
except it was all
about Bernadette Peters.
All right, I-I get it.
It's a... it's a bit of a mess.
But, you know,
it all really makes sense
if you just follow the yarn.
I mean, her...
Okay, the green yarn is
for her emotional journey.
The blue is for when she's going
back into the past.
The yellow is when she's
launching into the future.
And the red,
the red is very good
'cause the red is
the parallel journey
that her lover is taking,
but in the present.
So... I mean,
it's very easy-peasy, really.
One question.
Yeah.
Is that my good yarn?
Yes, although I-I did not know
there was such a thing
as good yarn.
Why is she slutting
her way through time anyway?
Because she's trying to get back
to her one true love.
So when she goes back,
will she time-travel
orgasm with him,
or just fake it
for the rest of her life?
'Cause I've lived
that book with Mike's dad.
It's a very dry read.
I don't know.
I haven't gotten that far yet.
I-I think I'm gonna need
some more yarn.
And does any orgasm do it?
Say she backs herself
onto a Jacuzzi jet...
where does that send her?
Ew, Peggy.
Hey, this is your
cockamamy story.
Not that my opinion matters,
but I like what you had.
It was good writing,
and it made sense.
(sighs) Well, I did, too.
But apparently you're not
supposed to have any of that
if you're trying
to make a phenomenon.
Well, good luck.
I'm gonna go take a bath.
If I disappear,
don't use my good yarn
to come looking for me.
Eh, what do you think?
Hand-stitched calf leather,
limited-edition Brando cut.
Wow.
You're a regular rebel
without a treadmill.
Well, how do you like me now?
I'd love to mock you, but, damn
it, you can pull off a hat.
MIKE: Hey, what are you
doing home so early?
What are you wearing?
Not what, who.
Mervyn.
Why does everything
have to change?
Well, because Carl said
my old clothes looked
like a Goodwill bin
threw up on me.
Mike, if there's anything
I've learned today,
it's to be true to yourself.
And you don't have
to listen to other people.
Those other people's
good ideas can...
might just have you looking
like a big, crazy mess.
But the hat works, right?
Boy, is that a one-way street.
You know, when she wears
something I don't like,
I lie and go, "I love it."
What'd you say?
You are beautiful.
Thank you for seeing me
on such short notice.
Of course! Anything for
my new favorite author.
So, what's on your mind?
Other than brilliant thoughts.
(laughs): Oh, yeah.
Those little suckers are having
quite a wrestling match
up there.
That sounds exciting.
Oh, it's not.
Uh... remember that idea you had
about adding time travel
into my book?
Not "book." Phenomenon.
Oh, yeah, but it...
still has to be a book.
(laughs)
I, uh, eh...
I've been trying to wedge
that bugger of a note in there.
And I'm realizing
that it's kind of unraveling
all the wonderful stuff
I had written originally.
Really? It's just one note.
Yeah.
That changes everything.
Then what are you
sitting here for?
You've got a lot of work to do.
Oh. Yeah.
Um... look.
I-I appreciate everything
you're doing for me,
but I don't think
I'm the person to write this.
I... This should be
in the hands of somebody
that shares your passion
and-and has a lot more yarn
than I have.
Well, I believe
you are that person.
Oh.
And I believe I am not.
Well, I am so sorry if I led you
to believe for one moment
that you had a choice.
What?
I own you.
Bought and paid for.
Now, I don't want
to hear another word
or see you here again
until your character
has shagged her way
to Fred Flintstone and back!
(stammering)
Make it work!
Your time's up.
Ooh.
Could I get, uh,
one of those balls of water?
(clears her throat)
Get my parking valid...
I'll just keep it.
I got it.
Hey, how'd it go
with the publisher?
Not so great, huh?
He said he owned me.
Yeah. You believe that?
He owned me!
Well, he can't say that.
Well, he can and he does.
As long as he's still paying me,
I'm just his little
typing monkey.
Ha!
What is so funny?
Oh... I was just picturing
a little typing monkey.
I'm an idiot!
I mean, what did I think
being a working writer
was gonna be like?
Well, you did buy that beret.
I know.
I ju... I really did think it
was gonna be deep conversations
and, you know, Paris cafés
and drinking absinthe
with other Hemingway wannabes.
Instead you're
sitting on a couch
drinking a beer
with the real deal Mike Biggs.
Not that I don't love you,
but exactly.
If it makes you feel any better,
I had that same
kind of wakeup call
when I first joined the force.
It was nothing like the movies.
What did you want?
Like a French Connection?
No. Police Academy.
Those guys were hilarious
and great at their job.
You know who had it made?
Angela Lansbury.
The old lady
from Murder, She Wrote?
Uh, yeah.
She rode her bike
all over Maine.
She only wrote during the day.
Solved mysteries at night.
God, she had it figured out!
So, what are you gonna do?
First, I'm gonna
finish your beer.
And probably any others
that are left in the house.
Then I'm gonna do what
everybody else with a job does.
I'm gonna suck it up.
I'm gonna do the work.
All right.
But know that if you do
decide to quit,
all my fancy new duds
can go back to Mervyns.
Except the hat.
Aw, you love your hat.
I do. But more importantly,
you know that weird sweat ring
I leave on my pillowcase?
The same thing happened
in the fedora.
All right, all right.
Here we go.
We got this.
Mm-hmm.
Got that. Okay.
Just plug my nose
and dive right in.
She closed her eyes in
ecstasy and awoke in...
Uh, the rope went down...
Oh... 1776!
Okay, 1776 it is!
1776... In the distance,
she heard the town crier.
Hear ye.
Hear ye!
Mr. Franklin!
Mr. Benjamin Franklin!
At your service.
Please.
Don't be frightened.
And I know this may sound odd,
but I need to tell you
that I'm from...
from the future.
Now, I'm sure that this
scares you to your core,
but you need to understand
that I'm not here to harm you.
In fact, I'm here
to make love to you.
And when we do it,
we need to do it well.
So well, in fact,
that our lovemaking
will send me forward
into the future.
Exactly 238 years into the
arms of my one true love.
All right, let's get rutting.
Wait, wait. You're one
of history's greatest scholars,
a scientist and a statesman.
You're just gonna buy into this?
Hey, don't look at me, lady.
You're the one writing
this horse crap.
Just shut up
and take off your pants.
(groans)
Molly?
Use your fingers.
So, how's our
sexy sci-fi coming?
Oh, chug, chug, chugging along.
(chuckles) Well, good.
Just know this... your whole
world is about to change.
You won't be able to
walk down the street
without someone
pointing and saying,
"There's the Timegasm lady""
Ah!
And that's the thought
that keeps me up at night.
Oh... but, you know, but I...
I am having a bit of a dilemma.
And you're the smartest person
that I know,
so I've...
I've come to you for help.
Ah, they all do.
Oh.
It's in the writing.
Mm-hmm.
I've... I've come across
this character...
brilliant man, handsome.
I mean, almost beautiful.
Uh, born in England,
studied at Oxford.
As did I.
No, you didn't.
Yes.
No, you didn't!
Yes.
Oh, my!
That's... Gah!
That's crazy. I, uh...
You know what?
It's funny.
'Cause now that you say that,
and I'm looking at you
and thinking about him,
I'm... You are very similar.
You're very well put together.
Very self-assured.
Is he tall?
Oh! Yeah, I mean, yeah,
he's got to be six...
what are you?
Six-five.
Six... five!
Wow, so is he!
I love it!
Tell me more.
Oh, well, what
can I say?
I mean, every man wants him.
Every woman wants to be him.
Oh, I must tell you I'm
obsessed with this character.
Oh, well, get in line!
So am I.
Yeah, I mean, the...
the problem is that,
you know, with this
time travel element,
she leaves and-and he gets
left behind really early on.
And... well, I'm just
too stupid to figure out
a way to fix it, so...
(quietly): I'm sorry.
I'm going to pitch
something crazy.
Oh.
How about we beef up this
well-endowed gentleman
and, uh, just pull back on the
whole time travel element?
Ooh, aah!
(imitates explosion)
Right?
Wow!
Uh...
tha-that's brilliant!
Oh, my... I mean, I...
Just going off of what you said,
now I'm thinking... can we
just take that whole time...
thing and just get rid of it
and lift the whole thing?
Oh, my God!
Why didn't I think of this?
(sighs)
Because I'm ten
steps ahead of you.
Oh, that's another
character trait
that you might want to add.
Oh, you know what?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, hey! Has anybody seen
an incredibly tall,
dark, handsome man
ten steps ahead of me?
'Cause I have!
(laughs)
Of course, you know, it's
a big change in direction.
I'd have to read some pages
before I could
make the decision.
Yeah, well, you could
read some pages
or you could just read the book.
You played me.
Like a big, British fiddle.
I both love you
and hate you right now.
Oh, the feeling is very mutual.
Now, get me a ball of water
and validate me.