Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 10 - Checkpoint Joyce - full transcript

You have anything to drink tonight?

No, I haven't, Officer.

All right, you're good. Drive safe.

I got to tell you,

I hate doing these checkpoints.

Why? 'Cause a warrentless search
without probable cause

could be construed as unconstitutional?

No, I just hate all the standing.

That's because you do it all wrong.

You got to bend your knees a little bit.

You know, use your abs.
You got... (panting)



You got to harness your chi.

Looks like you're taking a chi.

I actually don't mind
working these checkpoints.

Being outside, meeting new people,

the adrenaline rush you get

when you see that “oh, crap”
look in the driver's eyes.

Aw, crap.

That's the look.

JOYCE: Oh, good, it's you.

I put in a stick of gum
for nothing. Let me chew it.

Okay, I-I can't just do that, Joyce.

I got to ask you some questions.

I got a question for you...
did you pick up my dry cleaning?

Uh, have you had anything to drink tonight?



Have you had anything to eat?
We can play this game all night.

Joyce, quit messing around...
my supervisors are right there.

Just tell me, have you
had anything to drink?

I don't have to tell you a damn thing.

I know my rights... I watch The Mentalist.

Look, if you don't answer the question,

I got to take you out of the car
and give you a sobriety test.

What do you want, the alphabet backwards?

Z-Y-X-W-V-U-T.

How about in German? Tsett, oopsilon, ix.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Hey, hey, hey!

I'm just gonna see what's going
on in this Mazda back here.

Coward.

You've seen me drunk. This is not drunk.

Now, stop being a jackass
and let me through. Hey,

I am a police officer...
how about a little respect?

How about I run over your fat foot

if you don't get out of the way.

- Step out of the vehicle, ma'am.
- Or what?

I'm your mother-in-law!

You don't have the balls to arrest me.

(kicking partition) Fascists! Fascists!

We should have cuffed her ankles.

Just get us to the station.

I don't know how long
the glass is gonna hold.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love. ♪

Mike & Molly - 05x10
Checkpoint Joyce

I'd appreciate if my name

doesn't appear on the arrest report.

That's my girlfriend's mom
and the future grandmother

of my mixed-race babies.

Thanks, I appreciate your support.

I'm not saying you didn't do
the right thing...

I'm just saying
I don't have your back on this.

Oh, my God, I came as soon as you called.

Okay, don't worry, your mother's fine.

I'm not worried about her;
I'm worried about you.

You know, they have
to let her out sometime.

Well, I had to take her in...
she refused to comply

with an officer's request,
became confrontational,

and spit a wad of Juicy Fruit at me!

What was I supposed to do?

I don't know, but now you just lit

a 90-pound stick of dynamite.

You know she's gonna make
our lives a living...

Hell-o!

Here you go, Ms. Flynn.

I'm gonna take your handcuffs off,

just like we talked about.

Nobody's gonna get scratched,
poked or pinched, right?

(chuckles) Were you in a holding cell

or a beauty parlor? 'Cause you look great!

Here's your things, Joyce.

Go to Hell.

(chuckles): Oh... you rascal.

Why don't we just scoot on...

God! Scoot on home.

All right, I'll see you at the house.

You know what, she seems
a little, um... stabby.

Maybe just sleep somewhere else tonight.

Well, fine, I guess I could sleep...

Uh! Don't tell me. If I don't know,

she can't get it out of me.

♪ ♪

Just so you know,

the springs in your
fold-out couch are shot.

Yes. I heard them
begging for mercy last night.

Well, you could have slept in my bed.

I was snug as a bug in Victoria's rug

over at your house.

And by “rug,” I mean... I got it, I got it.

You were smart to stay away, though.

That little firecracker got
angrier as the night went on.

She kept throwing your
clothes out the window.

But God bless Molly... she
kept bringin 'em back in.

It was in, out... in, out...

It was like some weird Japanese game show.

Well, did you make any effort at all

- to explain my side of things?
- Well, sort of.

I explained my side of things.

You know, you're a loose cannon,

I can't control you, blah, blah, blah.

It really helped Mom and me
get closer together.

- Mom?
- Hey, somebody's got to fill the void

now that you're dead to her.

Well, if you really want to get
back in Joyce's good graces,

I know just the thing.

As the new owner of Abe's,
may I suggest our...

“any occasion muffin basket.”

Perfect for birthdays, anniversaries,

or just to say “sorry I had to arrest you.”

Look, this is on Joyce.

I may have been a little too by-the-book,

but I am a cop,
and she needs to respect that.

SAMUEL: You know,

nothing says respect
like an Abe's travel mug.

If it goes in hot, it stays hot.

If it goes in cold, it stays cold.

Please, buy one.

I have 2,000 of these things.

Let me take a look at that.

You think Mom would
like something like this?

Hey, Vince.

What are you doin'?

You gotta get out of here.

We just calmed Joyce down.

Come on. I live here, too.

For now.

Joyce tried to evict
your clothes last night.

But that wife of yours
shimmied up that tree

and rescued your big undies
like they were a stuck kite.

Hey, sweetie.

What are you doing here?

We just calmed her down.

What am I supposed to do?

I can't stay away forever.

Not forever, just for a while.

Come here, it'll be fun,
we'll meet in secret.

Just like we're having an affair.

Mol, your tea... What are you doing here?

They just calmed me down.

Look, Joyce, uh... I don't,
I don't want any trouble.

Then what'd you come around here for?

Because I miss my wife.

And I'm out of socks.

There's a whole bag of 'em
in the tree out front.

I couldn't reach those.
I climbed as high as I could.

Please, can't we just move on?

Look... muffins.

Move on?!

You handcuffed me and threw me in the back

of your squad car like I was Red John.

Red John?

The villain on The Mentalist!

All right, let's not overreact.

Or what? You gonna pepper spray me?

Hey... I did not pepper spray her.

Let's be real clear on that.

I hope you're happy.

You've torn this family apart.

She didn't cooperate!

All you had to do was answer the question:

“Did you drink tonight?”

That's a pretty loaded question,

'cause you know she was probably loaded.

I was not!

That's not perjury.

She's not under oath.

How come everybody's assuming I was tanked?

Come on, Mom, it was after 6:00.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means we love you and accept
you just the way you are...

half in the bag and all in our hearts.

Really?

Oh, you think I got a problem?

Well, you're the ones who have problems!

Victoria, pot!

Vince, porn!

You, pie!

You know, you do all have those vices.

You, shopping.

(gasping): Mother...!

I can quit drinking any time I want.

Can any of you say the same
about your nasty habits?

I could stop tomorrow.

- Of course.
- Yeah, probably...

I mean, it's not a porn “problem”"

I watch the romantic ones,
directed by ladies.

You know... maybe Dudley Dipstick here

gave us a wake-up call.

We should all clean up our acts.

Yeah.

In fact, let's start with the pot head.

Mom, what are you doing with my purse?

Mom, not my pot...
I was saving that for church.

(garbage disposal humming)

(humming stops)

If I'm gonna live clean,
you're all gonna live clean.

Hey, those are my chips!

You said Victoria bought those.

Are we doing this now?

Wait a minute... Mom, Mom! Those are mine!

And your credit cards are next!

Mike, go get your Taser!

And Vince, I know where your skin mags are.

You're bluffing!

Try me.

Mom,

I know you don't want to be in
the same room as Mike right now,

but he was wondering how much longer

you were gonna be using the kitchen.

Until I'm done with breakfast.

Well, you just have that...

tomato left there, so you might want

to scarf that down
and get on with your day.

I'm not scarfing anything.

I'm gonna savor it.

You learn to appreciate
the small things in life,

like a tomato, after you've done hard time.

You were in a cell for 40 minutes.

Then that's how long I'm gonna eat

this tasteless freakin' tomato.

(whispering): I'm sorry.

(quietly): Come on. I'm starving.

Throw me an apple or a bagel, anything.

- Aw, you threw me an apple.
- Shh. Just go.

Mom, it's been two days.

- Are you gonna stay mad forever?
- No.

Just for the next 12 months.

That's how long

they're taking away my driver's license.

Because your bozo husband
couldn't just wave me through.

Oh, my God. 12 months?

Wow. He, um... Yeah, I d... I didn't, uh...

I didn't realize that it...
But we're still good, right?

Huh.

That's a good apple.

I didn't even miss the caramel.

What's going on?

- Shh. Keep it down.
- Why?

You guys throwing dice
or hiding from Colonel Klink?

It's not fair.

Drinkin' and smokin' behind the garage.

What am I, ten?

And you had to go take her license, too.

Now I got to spend the next year
driving Miss Crazy.

What was I supposed to do?

She broke the law.

Let's take a look at that word, “law”"

There's the letter of the law,

and then there's your mother-in-law.

Which one can kill you in your sleep?

There's nothing I can do
about it at this point.

Really?

You can't make a ticket just go away?

No, I cannot.

Sounds like a maybe.

What are you saying?

I'm saying you work hard,

and you deserve a little relaxation.

Say, courtside Bull
tickets for this Saturday.

- Are you trying to bribe me?
- See?

He's confused like I was.

Just say, “We would like to bribe you.”

Unbelievable. This conversation is over.

(sighs)

What are we gonna do now?

I was thinking an awning,
a couple of lawn chairs.

We could make it real nice out here.
(groans)

It's so nice of you to run me
around like this, Carl.

Aw, it is my pleasure.

Gives us a chance to know
each other a little better.

Huh? Find our common interests.

I didn't know you were such
a fan of water aerobics.

Well, you ladies looked like
you were having so much fun,

I just had to join in.

L-Luckily, I always keep
a spare swimsuit in my car.

You know, just in case of a water rescue.

You were a big hit in that Speedo.

Well, people see the flag,
they get very patriotic.

I'm so glad you and Victoria
found each other.

Aw. At least one of my
daughters picked a good man.

Aw, now, now, now.

I mean, it's true.

I am pretty wonderful.

Mike's a hell of a guy, too.

Who arrested his mother-in-law.

You did kind of put him in a tough spot.

Are you telling me
you would've done what he did?

No, I would not have. In fact,
I got the hell out of there.

Because you were smart. No, because
I was scared to death. You're like

a little red-headed honey badger.

I've seen men twice your size not be able

to kick out the Plexiglas of a squad car.

And they were high on angel dust.

I hold all my anger in my hips.

Well, you can say plenty of
things about Mike Biggs, but...

it took a lot of courage for
him to do his job that day.

That's all he was doing.

His job.

Well, you're a good friend.

Better than he deserves.

Thanks.

- Mom.
- We're not there yet.

Yeah, I was just taking
it for a walk. We're cool.

See? Isn't this better than copping a squat

behind the garage with Vince and Victoria?

I don't know. It's not that bad

since they hung the Christmas lights.

It's freezing cold back there.
Why do they need a mini fridge?

(chuckles) I just keep going over

that night with Joyce in my head.

I should have done
what surgeons do with family:

had somebody else operate.

Removed myself from the situation,

called over another officer
who wasn't related,

and had him do the sobriety check.

- Well, why don't you tell my mom that?
- She refuses

to be in the same room as me.

I know. That's why I didn't
tell her you'd be here.

- What?
- Mom, we're over here.

Are you crazy?

No, she is. But we're in public,

so you'll probably be okay.

What the hell is this?

This is a peace summit.
And you two are gonna talk

and not come home until you've
negotiated a settlement.

Or until last call.

In that case, here's some cab money.

Well, where are you going?

Home. I'm gonna try to win
back some of the money I lost

playing dice with Vince and Victoria.

Spanish peanut?

I'm good.

Look, about the other night...

- Nobody's proud of what happened.
- Just listen to me.

(sighs)

The reason I was so nasty to you

was because I may have had a few.

It was stupid and I was embarrassed

and I shouldn't have been driving.

(sighs)

Okay.

I wasn't drunk.

But I wasn't exactly sober.

So I took the easier way out.

That was the easier way?

No.

Because I ran into an honest cop
who was just doing his job.

Well, thank you.

Does this mean I can have
my kitchen privileges back?

Yes. Mostly 'cause I need you
to fix the sink.

Molly's credit cards really did
a number on the disposal.

(chuckles)

But I-it did shred them, right?

Oh, yeah.

Since we're both here, uh,

can I buy you a drink?

Sure.

I'll have a club soda and lime.

Wow, look at you.

- Don't get used to it.
- Okay.

So, do you do a lot of water rescues?

Um, how-how come Captain America
keeps a Speedo in the car?

He saved one dog from one pool one time.

Oh, my God, my song.

♪ Slow ride ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪ Take it easy... ♪

We get it. You're drunk. Keep it down.

Oh, excuse me. I am not drunk.

This is club soda.

So, you're just loud and obnoxious?

Yes!

(whooping)

- Clam up, lady.
- Hey, watch yourself.

Now, that's my mother-in-law
you're talking to.

I suggest you stand over there
if we're bothering you so much.

Got a better idea.

- Why don't you and I step outside?
- Listen,

nobody's looking for trouble tonight, so...

Bar fight!

- ♪ The rhythm is right ♪
- Whoa.

♪ Move to the music ♪

♪ We can go roll night... ♪

My eyes!

No. No biting!

JOYCE: Hey?

See? This just proves you don't
have to drink to have fun.

(yelling)

♪ Slow ride... ♪

(groaning)

The other party isn't filing charges.

Mostly because he's embarrassed

- he got his ass whupped by your mother.
- Oh.

Well, he shouldn't be.

I mean, once she gets on
you, she's like a tick.

You got to burn her off.

(sighs)

I just hope she didn't ruin
that manicure we got today.

Look how even that is.

- Hey.
- MOLLY: Oh, my God.

Are you two okay?

I'm just saying... the holding tank?

Not cop-friendly.

My gals were sweet to me.

I got two proposals.

I know they were high as a
kite, but still, nice to hear.

Come on, let's get the both of you home.

- Yeah, I'm beat.
- Oh, you should be.

Oh, you might be an honest cop,
but you're a dirty fighter.

(laughs) Thank you.

Molly, you got a winner here.

I know. I don't climb
trees for just anybody.

I'll be happy to escort
you to your car, Ms. Flynn.

Just so you know, you've
moved back to number two.

Come on, Mikey, let's go home.

Oh, come on, don't worry.

Mike'll do something stupid, and
you'll be back to number one.