Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 11 - Immaculate Deception - full transcript
The prospect of an empty house for the weekend has Mike and Molly in a state of excitement.
MIKE: Joyce! Vince!
Let's move it!
Your car's
all warmed up for you!
So they can get
the hell out of here.
Did you fill up their tank?
Gas, air, wiper fluid.
I set the GPS for the casino.
I was gonna get their brakes
checked, but I figured,
eh, what's meant to be's
meant to be.
Hey! There's
the happy travelers!
Got coffee for the driver.
And wine for the passenger.
It's before noon,
so I went with a crisp Chablis.
Here we go.
I don't know if I
should drink coffee.
My stomach is rumbling
around like a dryer
with one tennis shoe in it.
I told you not to eat
that gas station sushi!
But I figured I'd be safe.
The guy who owns it is Japanese.
He's Pakistani.
Well, something is
about to say sayonara!
Ah, he's been sitting
on that pot all morning.
I don't know, maybe
a five-hour road trip
isn't the best idea.
I don't want him
to let loose in my Lexus.
Well, maybe a road trip
is just what the doctor ordered.
Nothing binds me up
like traveling.
It's true.
Yeah, he only went once
on our whole honeymoon.
That was two weeks!
Why can't you do that here?
Come on, you guys have been
dying to go play
in that Texas Hold'em
tournament.
You've been practicing
your poker face all month.
Not poker face. Botox.
Maybe I'll just go by myself,
and leave Vince at home.
No! No! No! No! This is
his special trip, too.
You know, in fact, I don't
think he's upstairs
because of Pakistani sushi.
I think he's just
so excited that he's
lost control of his
bodily functions.
You just want to send me off
with that ticking time bomb
so you can have
the house to yourselves.
Yes.
I love you. Get out!
Yeah, why do you think
we got Victoria that hotel room
for her morticians' convention?
It's not even three miles away.
They got better parking here.
Joyce, walk with me.
You know that
gazebo-trellis thingy
you've been wanting me to put
together in the backyard?
Well, while you are gone,
I will hire a guy
that will actually do it.
He'll put the twinkle lights
in it, too?
Well, of course.
How else are you gonna
drink outside at night?
I do like to drink
outside at night.
Vince!
Come on, we got to go!
Car's running!
I took a Kaopectate and lined
my boxers with maxi pads.
Hopefully that'll
hold me to Calumet City.
Okay, there you go.
And off you go.
Bye! Drive safe! Hey!
If you get hungry,
remember bananas bind!
Oh, my God, they're gone.
I can't believe we have
the whole house to ourselves.
Yup. Home alone.
Good-bye pants.
See you in 72 hours.
That is such a good idea.
Why am I still in this bra?
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
Oh! Oh, God.
I just watched nine
episodes of Breaking Bad.
I got to stop.
You know, you might look
really sexy bald.
You're not shaving my head!
But this is living though, huh?
I haven't moved in six hours.
I can't feel my legs.
I don't care.
Oh, my God, it's 2:00!
Mike, we've wasted half the day.
Oh, don't think of it
as wasting half the day.
Think of it as you have
half a day left to waste.
No, Mike!
Get up! Let's walk
to the farmers' market.
There are two things wrong
with that sentence.
Come on, it'll be fun.
We'll shop, we'll get
some fresh vegetables,
we'll make a nice dinner.
(sing-songy): I'll
buy you a churro.
(sing-songy):
You can bring me one back.
Mike! I want to take
a walk with you.
And hold your hand.
And explore the city
with the man I love.
I know.
Yeah.
I get it.
Yes.
I just don't want to go.
All right!
Get up! Pants on, Pooh Bear.
(groans)
You know the last
time you didn't want
to go somewhere this much?
The flea market...
and who came home
with a Mr. T lunchbox?
I did.
Yeah, you did.
Okay, I can't promise anything
that life-changing.
But I can promise you
kettle corn
and homemade root beer.
In a frosted mug?
We'll bring our own in a cooler.
Makes all the difference.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, these morticians
give out some sweet swag.
Uh, look at that.
Coffin coin purse.
Now, every time
I need a quarter,
I'll be reminded that
Canterville Caskets wants my
"rest days to be my best days."
I told you it would be fun.
Funeral directors
might be fuddy-duddies
in the embalming room, but when
the rubber gloves come off,
it's a dead man's party.
Mm.
You know, I-I still can't
believe this is what you do.
I mean, did you just wake up
one day and decide
that I want to put
makeup on dead people?
Yes.
That's a hell of a story.
It was after my
grandma's funeral.
I looked at how they did
her makeup, and I thought,
"Why is Ronald McDonald
in Meemaw's casket?"
Well, it-it'll
traumatize you for life,
but at least you found
your calling.
True that.
Well, you know,
it's just great for me
seeing you in your element.
(whispering indistinctly)
Although I didn't
realize there'd be
so many ex-boyfriends
in your element.
I wouldn't call them boyfriends.
I barely know their names.
Well, they all seem to remember
yours and each other's.
What the hell goes on here?
You know these conventions.
It's about networking
and pressing the flesh.
Mm-hmm, you do know that means
just shaking hands, right?
Is somebody jealous?
No. Baby, I'm not jealous.
(chuckles)
I know what we have
is pure and strong.
(louder): And exclusive!
Of course it is.
Carl, look at me.
All my craziness,
that's in the past.
That girl who chugs
Jager out of urns...
and steals hearses and...
dances naked on top of coffins?
I'm not her anymore.
Well, you know...
(stammers)
let's not throw the baby out
with the bath water now. Oh, okay.
I-I'm not opposed
to a little naked dancing. (laughs)
See? You survived the walk
and the farmers' market.
And I only had to pull you
in the wagon once.
I admit, it wasn't so bad.
But since when did farmers
become hippies?
We bought tomatoes from a guy
playing hacky sack.
I know, I'm starting to think
that organic just means dirty.
Well, thanks for making me go.
Oh, my pleasure.
And thanks for not
causing a scene
when they ran out of churros.
Well...
I appreciate you putting
Splenda on the pretzel.
(laughs)
Next time we'll go early and,
you know, I'll get another one.
Really? You'll go again?
Yeah, you know,
I-I enjoyed walking around,
holding hands with you.
I was a little self-conscious
at first.
But then my hand didn't feel
right without yours in mine.
That may be the sweetest thing
you have ever said to me.
Really? I wasn't even trying.
I was just saying stuff.
All right, you sweet-talking
son of a bitch,
you ready to do this?
Okay, explain it to me again.
Cooking competition, okay?
Same ingredients,
one-hour time limit.
Whoever has the
tastiest meal wins.
Okay, what's the prize?
The winner gets control of the
remote for the whole weekend.
High stakes. I like it.
Okay. You got
buffalo meat,
assorted vegetables,
And the mystery ingredient.
Romanesco... that thing
that you thought looked
like an alien on Star Trek.
You're gonna eat that?
I thought it was
a foot scrubber.
Okay, remember, a tournament
is a marathon, not a sprint.
Play tight, be careful.
And when you got the goods,
go for the throat
and shake them
till they're dead.
Any questions?
Yeah, where the hell's
the waitress with my drink?
Careful with the alcohol, Joyce.
You're gonna want
to stay focused.
Are you kidding?
I'm cross-eyed
till I've had a couple belts.
50 to call.
Call.
Call.
Just saying.
It's not only about
playing the cards.
You also got to play the man.
I've got every person
at this table pegged,
except for seat seven.
I cannot get a read on that guy.
Maybe 'cause he's a lady.
She might want to think
about getting that lip waxed.
Yeah. Call.
Raise 150.
Watch them run.
What did I tell you?
To play with the big boys, you
got to have the bigger pair.
And I'm not talking about cards.
Raise 300.
Joyce?
What are you doing?
I got a monster hand.
What? I like my cards.
All right.
Just know you brought
this on yourself.
All in.
Call.
Aces full.
What do you got, honey?
Guess I had the bigger pair.
What I've prepared for you today
is a pan-seared bison medallion
in a port wine reduction,
paired with a brunoise
of roasted vegetables
and cured pork belly.
You are so going down.
Wow, it sure is
pretty to look at.
Thank you.
You haven't said that to me
since I made you
Mickey Mouse pancakes.
And I'm glad
you didn't make those.
You would've won, hands down.
And what are you
serving today, Chef?
Well, I hope
that you brought your jacket.
Because it's about
to get... chili!
Ah.
Wow, it's very, um...
it's... brown.
Oh, thank you. It was black till
I added that bottle of ketchup.
Ah!
Don't put ketchup
on my medallions.
I won't. We're out.
Mmm.
I was gonna make fun
of you for making chili.
But I can't.
This is delicious!
So, I win?
No, well, no, no. I mean...
it's not just about taste.
It's about presentation
and creativity.
Son of a bitch, that's good!
What... what is that texture?
Kettle corn.
Well... what made you
think of that?
Some fell in.
I rolled with it.
Thank you for such a great day.
Are you kidding?
I had a blast.
You know, I always forget
how much I like you.
Yeah, you're
pretty okay yourself.
We're good together.
Yeah, like buffalo meat
and ketchup.
And apparently kettle corn.
You know, uh, one
day, we won't be
to have these quiet moments.
Ooh.
I know, the crazies are
coming home on Sunday.
No, I mean,
after we have a baby, you know?
Today at the farmers' market,
seeing all those little
kids running around...
Oh, it scared
the heck out of me.
I mean, parents just dumping
their kids off
at that creepy clown.
I'm sorry, but balloon animals
should not have genitalia.
(laughs)
Well, we won't be
those kinds of parents.
Nope, we are not.
In fact, after dinner, uh,
what do you say
we go upstairs and, uh,
take another shot
at making our own kid?
Mike, it's not that easy.
Well, I know, uh, it'll
happen when it happens.
But before it happens,
something else has to happen.
No, I... I mean, it's not easy
'cause I'm,
I'm back on the pill.
What? Sin-since when?
A couple months.
Why didn't you tell me?
I meant to.
Molly, this isn't
like denting the car.
This is a big deal.
I know, I... I'm sorry.
I should've talked
to you about it.
But you didn't.
Mike, I...
Ah, don't.
Can we just talk about this?
It's a little late for that.
Enjoy your chili.
(loud rock music playing)
Hello?
Hello...
Can we discuss this?
Oh, we're discussing stuff now?
'Cause I thought we were doing
whatever the hell we wanted.
With no regard for
the other person.
I'm sorry, okay?
I should've told you.
I just didn't want this
to become a whole big thing.
Oh, you mean like it is now?
Yes.
Exactly how long have you
been hiding this from me?
I went back on the pill
when I went away
for that writer's workshop.
So, you got on the
pill just in time
for the eight weeks
away from your husband?
Look, for the last two years,
I have been choking down
fistfuls of hormone pills
and-and fertility supplements
and drinking
that weird Asian dung tea.
And I don't know...
I just felt crazy.
The ups, the downs...
I wanted it to stop.
And the pill regulates it,
and lets me just concentrate
on my writing.
Well, you've been
back for months.
Why are you still on it?
I don't know.
You don't know why you're still
on the pill or you don't know
if you want kids?
I don't know.
(indistinct chatter
and laughter)
You're not done yet?
Hey, it's not my fault
you busted out
on the first hand.
Yes, it is... you're
the one that busted me.
Oh... I'm sorry.
Play some slots.
Get a manicure.
You know, I didn't come here
to be ignored all weekend.
You promised me a nice dinner.
Oh, don't worry, sugar.
I'll make it up to you. Here.
Go buy yourself something sexy.
I want you all powdered
and pretty for me
when I get done
plucking these chickens.
Well, you'll be done in time
for the show tonight, right?
You're killing me, baby. Go!
Fine.
Me and the other wives
are gonna take
a shuttle to the outlet mall.
(cell phone ringing)
Go for Joyce.
MOLLY: Mom?
It's bad, it's, aw... it's bad,
it's so bad.
Calm down, Victoria.
No. It's Molly.
Okay, calm down and tell me
what Victoria did.
She didn't do anything.
I made the mess this time.
It was... it was all me.
Mike is so mad.
I mean, I've never
seen him like this.
Just tell me what happened.
Ma'am?
No phones at the table.
Hey, give me a break.
My daughter's going through
a real crisis here.
Ooh! Raise 300.
So tomorrow there's
an embalmer's brunch...
- Mm-hmm.
- Followed by talks on
"How to Build a Better Jaw,"
Hmm.
"Drainage Do's and Don'ts,"
and "Abra-Cadaver:
When a Corpse Goes Missing." Mm.
Sounds like a full
day of the dead.
(both laugh)
Hey, maybe we could just
stay in tonight, you know?
I don't know about you,
but after all that walking...
ooh, I got convention feet!
You poor thing.
Why don't you order
a bottle of champagne
and I'll run us a bath?
That sounds like a plan.
I'll pump up with some push-ups,
and meet you in the tub.
(cell phone ringing)
(laughs)
Well, well, well.
Hey.
Look who decided
to break the "don't call me
all weekend" rule.
Although you were my next call
after room service.
I got to talk to somebody.
What's going on?
Carl, you know me.
There's only three things
I ever wanted in my life.
Be a cop, get married
and be a dad.
Yup, that's why I love you.
You're a simple man
with simple needs
who's simply adorable.
Carl, Molly doesn't want
to have kids anymore.
Wait, what?
Of course she does.
Then why'd she go
back on the pill?
Wow.
Yeah.
So, um, that's it?
That's her final decision...
no-no kids?
I guess. I don't know.
I didn't ask.
I'm not really talking
to her right now.
Why the hell not?
I mean, talking to your wife
is the only thing
you should be doing.
Man, that's
what relationships are about.
You know, listening,
being there.
Not abandoning each other
in your time of need.
Carl?
I'm doing my naked dance.
Oop, got to run.
Hey.
Hey.
Just... trying to put up
Mom's drinking trellis or...
more accurately, drinking
while putting up
her drinking trellis.
Look, uh...
I want kids.
I've always wanted kids.
I've been very clear about that.
You have.
And-and you said
you wanted kids.
With me.
And if that's changed,
you got to tell me.
We tried to get pregnant
for two years.
That's month after month
of taking those...
stupid pregnancy tests.
And every time
it came up negative.
I think I just
got scared that...
I couldn't give you
a baby, so...
I started telling myself
I didn't want one.
Oh, honey.
At least,
when I went back
on birth control, it was...
you know, it wasn't my fault
I couldn't get pregnant.
It was the...
it was the pill's.
Sweetie...
it's nobody's fault.
Okay? We're in this together.
Yeah, but what if
we can't have a baby?
I just need to know
that you want to.
I really do.
Okay! Then-then we can
figure out the rest.
I mean, there's
lots of other ways.
There's adoption, there's...
abduction.
I mean, we could've totally
snatched a kid
from the farmers' market
while those parents were
busy sniffing peaches.
(laughs)
I'm sorry this weekend turned
out to be such a mess.
It was supposed to be
about us connecting.
You don't call this connecting?
We just went
from "on the rocks"
to me loving you...
more than ever.
Okay, now that's the sweetest
thing you've ever said to me.
I was kind of trying
on that one.
It is looking good.
See?
You were so worried when
I ripped up those instructions.
But you got to admit,
it got easier.
And a lot faster.
Especially when you
started using
the hammer as the only tool.
It's the ketchup of the toolbox.
Ooh, twinkly!
Oh! This is nice.
You know, I can
really see my mom
getting drunk out here.
Well, at least that'll keep her
out of the neighbor's gazebo.
So, if it really
comes down to it,
you're okay with adopting?
Absolutely. Look.
As long as I can teach a kid
to field a grounder and
throw the curve, I'm fine.
Oh, no, no, no.
I've seen you pitch.
I'll teach the curve.
It's like drawing a shade.
Well, since we are
talking about the future,
I think we should get
everything out on the table.
Besides kids, someday,
I want us to have our own house.
Oh, definitely.
Okay, two stories,
big kitchen overlooking
the backyard.
Yeah, that's perfect.
You can watch me
floating on an inner tube
in our above-ground pool.
"Above-ground"? Really?
Well, if I'm dreaming.
God, I love you.
Of course!
What's not to love?
I don't mind the
farmers' market,
I make a mean chili and I can
build the hell out of a gazebo.
Well, the bench is solid.
I built the bench!
I know.
Let's move it!
Your car's
all warmed up for you!
So they can get
the hell out of here.
Did you fill up their tank?
Gas, air, wiper fluid.
I set the GPS for the casino.
I was gonna get their brakes
checked, but I figured,
eh, what's meant to be's
meant to be.
Hey! There's
the happy travelers!
Got coffee for the driver.
And wine for the passenger.
It's before noon,
so I went with a crisp Chablis.
Here we go.
I don't know if I
should drink coffee.
My stomach is rumbling
around like a dryer
with one tennis shoe in it.
I told you not to eat
that gas station sushi!
But I figured I'd be safe.
The guy who owns it is Japanese.
He's Pakistani.
Well, something is
about to say sayonara!
Ah, he's been sitting
on that pot all morning.
I don't know, maybe
a five-hour road trip
isn't the best idea.
I don't want him
to let loose in my Lexus.
Well, maybe a road trip
is just what the doctor ordered.
Nothing binds me up
like traveling.
It's true.
Yeah, he only went once
on our whole honeymoon.
That was two weeks!
Why can't you do that here?
Come on, you guys have been
dying to go play
in that Texas Hold'em
tournament.
You've been practicing
your poker face all month.
Not poker face. Botox.
Maybe I'll just go by myself,
and leave Vince at home.
No! No! No! No! This is
his special trip, too.
You know, in fact, I don't
think he's upstairs
because of Pakistani sushi.
I think he's just
so excited that he's
lost control of his
bodily functions.
You just want to send me off
with that ticking time bomb
so you can have
the house to yourselves.
Yes.
I love you. Get out!
Yeah, why do you think
we got Victoria that hotel room
for her morticians' convention?
It's not even three miles away.
They got better parking here.
Joyce, walk with me.
You know that
gazebo-trellis thingy
you've been wanting me to put
together in the backyard?
Well, while you are gone,
I will hire a guy
that will actually do it.
He'll put the twinkle lights
in it, too?
Well, of course.
How else are you gonna
drink outside at night?
I do like to drink
outside at night.
Vince!
Come on, we got to go!
Car's running!
I took a Kaopectate and lined
my boxers with maxi pads.
Hopefully that'll
hold me to Calumet City.
Okay, there you go.
And off you go.
Bye! Drive safe! Hey!
If you get hungry,
remember bananas bind!
Oh, my God, they're gone.
I can't believe we have
the whole house to ourselves.
Yup. Home alone.
Good-bye pants.
See you in 72 hours.
That is such a good idea.
Why am I still in this bra?
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
Oh! Oh, God.
I just watched nine
episodes of Breaking Bad.
I got to stop.
You know, you might look
really sexy bald.
You're not shaving my head!
But this is living though, huh?
I haven't moved in six hours.
I can't feel my legs.
I don't care.
Oh, my God, it's 2:00!
Mike, we've wasted half the day.
Oh, don't think of it
as wasting half the day.
Think of it as you have
half a day left to waste.
No, Mike!
Get up! Let's walk
to the farmers' market.
There are two things wrong
with that sentence.
Come on, it'll be fun.
We'll shop, we'll get
some fresh vegetables,
we'll make a nice dinner.
(sing-songy): I'll
buy you a churro.
(sing-songy):
You can bring me one back.
Mike! I want to take
a walk with you.
And hold your hand.
And explore the city
with the man I love.
I know.
Yeah.
I get it.
Yes.
I just don't want to go.
All right!
Get up! Pants on, Pooh Bear.
(groans)
You know the last
time you didn't want
to go somewhere this much?
The flea market...
and who came home
with a Mr. T lunchbox?
I did.
Yeah, you did.
Okay, I can't promise anything
that life-changing.
But I can promise you
kettle corn
and homemade root beer.
In a frosted mug?
We'll bring our own in a cooler.
Makes all the difference.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, these morticians
give out some sweet swag.
Uh, look at that.
Coffin coin purse.
Now, every time
I need a quarter,
I'll be reminded that
Canterville Caskets wants my
"rest days to be my best days."
I told you it would be fun.
Funeral directors
might be fuddy-duddies
in the embalming room, but when
the rubber gloves come off,
it's a dead man's party.
Mm.
You know, I-I still can't
believe this is what you do.
I mean, did you just wake up
one day and decide
that I want to put
makeup on dead people?
Yes.
That's a hell of a story.
It was after my
grandma's funeral.
I looked at how they did
her makeup, and I thought,
"Why is Ronald McDonald
in Meemaw's casket?"
Well, it-it'll
traumatize you for life,
but at least you found
your calling.
True that.
Well, you know,
it's just great for me
seeing you in your element.
(whispering indistinctly)
Although I didn't
realize there'd be
so many ex-boyfriends
in your element.
I wouldn't call them boyfriends.
I barely know their names.
Well, they all seem to remember
yours and each other's.
What the hell goes on here?
You know these conventions.
It's about networking
and pressing the flesh.
Mm-hmm, you do know that means
just shaking hands, right?
Is somebody jealous?
No. Baby, I'm not jealous.
(chuckles)
I know what we have
is pure and strong.
(louder): And exclusive!
Of course it is.
Carl, look at me.
All my craziness,
that's in the past.
That girl who chugs
Jager out of urns...
and steals hearses and...
dances naked on top of coffins?
I'm not her anymore.
Well, you know...
(stammers)
let's not throw the baby out
with the bath water now. Oh, okay.
I-I'm not opposed
to a little naked dancing. (laughs)
See? You survived the walk
and the farmers' market.
And I only had to pull you
in the wagon once.
I admit, it wasn't so bad.
But since when did farmers
become hippies?
We bought tomatoes from a guy
playing hacky sack.
I know, I'm starting to think
that organic just means dirty.
Well, thanks for making me go.
Oh, my pleasure.
And thanks for not
causing a scene
when they ran out of churros.
Well...
I appreciate you putting
Splenda on the pretzel.
(laughs)
Next time we'll go early and,
you know, I'll get another one.
Really? You'll go again?
Yeah, you know,
I-I enjoyed walking around,
holding hands with you.
I was a little self-conscious
at first.
But then my hand didn't feel
right without yours in mine.
That may be the sweetest thing
you have ever said to me.
Really? I wasn't even trying.
I was just saying stuff.
All right, you sweet-talking
son of a bitch,
you ready to do this?
Okay, explain it to me again.
Cooking competition, okay?
Same ingredients,
one-hour time limit.
Whoever has the
tastiest meal wins.
Okay, what's the prize?
The winner gets control of the
remote for the whole weekend.
High stakes. I like it.
Okay. You got
buffalo meat,
assorted vegetables,
And the mystery ingredient.
Romanesco... that thing
that you thought looked
like an alien on Star Trek.
You're gonna eat that?
I thought it was
a foot scrubber.
Okay, remember, a tournament
is a marathon, not a sprint.
Play tight, be careful.
And when you got the goods,
go for the throat
and shake them
till they're dead.
Any questions?
Yeah, where the hell's
the waitress with my drink?
Careful with the alcohol, Joyce.
You're gonna want
to stay focused.
Are you kidding?
I'm cross-eyed
till I've had a couple belts.
50 to call.
Call.
Call.
Just saying.
It's not only about
playing the cards.
You also got to play the man.
I've got every person
at this table pegged,
except for seat seven.
I cannot get a read on that guy.
Maybe 'cause he's a lady.
She might want to think
about getting that lip waxed.
Yeah. Call.
Raise 150.
Watch them run.
What did I tell you?
To play with the big boys, you
got to have the bigger pair.
And I'm not talking about cards.
Raise 300.
Joyce?
What are you doing?
I got a monster hand.
What? I like my cards.
All right.
Just know you brought
this on yourself.
All in.
Call.
Aces full.
What do you got, honey?
Guess I had the bigger pair.
What I've prepared for you today
is a pan-seared bison medallion
in a port wine reduction,
paired with a brunoise
of roasted vegetables
and cured pork belly.
You are so going down.
Wow, it sure is
pretty to look at.
Thank you.
You haven't said that to me
since I made you
Mickey Mouse pancakes.
And I'm glad
you didn't make those.
You would've won, hands down.
And what are you
serving today, Chef?
Well, I hope
that you brought your jacket.
Because it's about
to get... chili!
Ah.
Wow, it's very, um...
it's... brown.
Oh, thank you. It was black till
I added that bottle of ketchup.
Ah!
Don't put ketchup
on my medallions.
I won't. We're out.
Mmm.
I was gonna make fun
of you for making chili.
But I can't.
This is delicious!
So, I win?
No, well, no, no. I mean...
it's not just about taste.
It's about presentation
and creativity.
Son of a bitch, that's good!
What... what is that texture?
Kettle corn.
Well... what made you
think of that?
Some fell in.
I rolled with it.
Thank you for such a great day.
Are you kidding?
I had a blast.
You know, I always forget
how much I like you.
Yeah, you're
pretty okay yourself.
We're good together.
Yeah, like buffalo meat
and ketchup.
And apparently kettle corn.
You know, uh, one
day, we won't be
to have these quiet moments.
Ooh.
I know, the crazies are
coming home on Sunday.
No, I mean,
after we have a baby, you know?
Today at the farmers' market,
seeing all those little
kids running around...
Oh, it scared
the heck out of me.
I mean, parents just dumping
their kids off
at that creepy clown.
I'm sorry, but balloon animals
should not have genitalia.
(laughs)
Well, we won't be
those kinds of parents.
Nope, we are not.
In fact, after dinner, uh,
what do you say
we go upstairs and, uh,
take another shot
at making our own kid?
Mike, it's not that easy.
Well, I know, uh, it'll
happen when it happens.
But before it happens,
something else has to happen.
No, I... I mean, it's not easy
'cause I'm,
I'm back on the pill.
What? Sin-since when?
A couple months.
Why didn't you tell me?
I meant to.
Molly, this isn't
like denting the car.
This is a big deal.
I know, I... I'm sorry.
I should've talked
to you about it.
But you didn't.
Mike, I...
Ah, don't.
Can we just talk about this?
It's a little late for that.
Enjoy your chili.
(loud rock music playing)
Hello?
Hello...
Can we discuss this?
Oh, we're discussing stuff now?
'Cause I thought we were doing
whatever the hell we wanted.
With no regard for
the other person.
I'm sorry, okay?
I should've told you.
I just didn't want this
to become a whole big thing.
Oh, you mean like it is now?
Yes.
Exactly how long have you
been hiding this from me?
I went back on the pill
when I went away
for that writer's workshop.
So, you got on the
pill just in time
for the eight weeks
away from your husband?
Look, for the last two years,
I have been choking down
fistfuls of hormone pills
and-and fertility supplements
and drinking
that weird Asian dung tea.
And I don't know...
I just felt crazy.
The ups, the downs...
I wanted it to stop.
And the pill regulates it,
and lets me just concentrate
on my writing.
Well, you've been
back for months.
Why are you still on it?
I don't know.
You don't know why you're still
on the pill or you don't know
if you want kids?
I don't know.
(indistinct chatter
and laughter)
You're not done yet?
Hey, it's not my fault
you busted out
on the first hand.
Yes, it is... you're
the one that busted me.
Oh... I'm sorry.
Play some slots.
Get a manicure.
You know, I didn't come here
to be ignored all weekend.
You promised me a nice dinner.
Oh, don't worry, sugar.
I'll make it up to you. Here.
Go buy yourself something sexy.
I want you all powdered
and pretty for me
when I get done
plucking these chickens.
Well, you'll be done in time
for the show tonight, right?
You're killing me, baby. Go!
Fine.
Me and the other wives
are gonna take
a shuttle to the outlet mall.
(cell phone ringing)
Go for Joyce.
MOLLY: Mom?
It's bad, it's, aw... it's bad,
it's so bad.
Calm down, Victoria.
No. It's Molly.
Okay, calm down and tell me
what Victoria did.
She didn't do anything.
I made the mess this time.
It was... it was all me.
Mike is so mad.
I mean, I've never
seen him like this.
Just tell me what happened.
Ma'am?
No phones at the table.
Hey, give me a break.
My daughter's going through
a real crisis here.
Ooh! Raise 300.
So tomorrow there's
an embalmer's brunch...
- Mm-hmm.
- Followed by talks on
"How to Build a Better Jaw,"
Hmm.
"Drainage Do's and Don'ts,"
and "Abra-Cadaver:
When a Corpse Goes Missing." Mm.
Sounds like a full
day of the dead.
(both laugh)
Hey, maybe we could just
stay in tonight, you know?
I don't know about you,
but after all that walking...
ooh, I got convention feet!
You poor thing.
Why don't you order
a bottle of champagne
and I'll run us a bath?
That sounds like a plan.
I'll pump up with some push-ups,
and meet you in the tub.
(cell phone ringing)
(laughs)
Well, well, well.
Hey.
Look who decided
to break the "don't call me
all weekend" rule.
Although you were my next call
after room service.
I got to talk to somebody.
What's going on?
Carl, you know me.
There's only three things
I ever wanted in my life.
Be a cop, get married
and be a dad.
Yup, that's why I love you.
You're a simple man
with simple needs
who's simply adorable.
Carl, Molly doesn't want
to have kids anymore.
Wait, what?
Of course she does.
Then why'd she go
back on the pill?
Wow.
Yeah.
So, um, that's it?
That's her final decision...
no-no kids?
I guess. I don't know.
I didn't ask.
I'm not really talking
to her right now.
Why the hell not?
I mean, talking to your wife
is the only thing
you should be doing.
Man, that's
what relationships are about.
You know, listening,
being there.
Not abandoning each other
in your time of need.
Carl?
I'm doing my naked dance.
Oop, got to run.
Hey.
Hey.
Just... trying to put up
Mom's drinking trellis or...
more accurately, drinking
while putting up
her drinking trellis.
Look, uh...
I want kids.
I've always wanted kids.
I've been very clear about that.
You have.
And-and you said
you wanted kids.
With me.
And if that's changed,
you got to tell me.
We tried to get pregnant
for two years.
That's month after month
of taking those...
stupid pregnancy tests.
And every time
it came up negative.
I think I just
got scared that...
I couldn't give you
a baby, so...
I started telling myself
I didn't want one.
Oh, honey.
At least,
when I went back
on birth control, it was...
you know, it wasn't my fault
I couldn't get pregnant.
It was the...
it was the pill's.
Sweetie...
it's nobody's fault.
Okay? We're in this together.
Yeah, but what if
we can't have a baby?
I just need to know
that you want to.
I really do.
Okay! Then-then we can
figure out the rest.
I mean, there's
lots of other ways.
There's adoption, there's...
abduction.
I mean, we could've totally
snatched a kid
from the farmers' market
while those parents were
busy sniffing peaches.
(laughs)
I'm sorry this weekend turned
out to be such a mess.
It was supposed to be
about us connecting.
You don't call this connecting?
We just went
from "on the rocks"
to me loving you...
more than ever.
Okay, now that's the sweetest
thing you've ever said to me.
I was kind of trying
on that one.
It is looking good.
See?
You were so worried when
I ripped up those instructions.
But you got to admit,
it got easier.
And a lot faster.
Especially when you
started using
the hammer as the only tool.
It's the ketchup of the toolbox.
Ooh, twinkly!
Oh! This is nice.
You know, I can
really see my mom
getting drunk out here.
Well, at least that'll keep her
out of the neighbor's gazebo.
So, if it really
comes down to it,
you're okay with adopting?
Absolutely. Look.
As long as I can teach a kid
to field a grounder and
throw the curve, I'm fine.
Oh, no, no, no.
I've seen you pitch.
I'll teach the curve.
It's like drawing a shade.
Well, since we are
talking about the future,
I think we should get
everything out on the table.
Besides kids, someday,
I want us to have our own house.
Oh, definitely.
Okay, two stories,
big kitchen overlooking
the backyard.
Yeah, that's perfect.
You can watch me
floating on an inner tube
in our above-ground pool.
"Above-ground"? Really?
Well, if I'm dreaming.
God, I love you.
Of course!
What's not to love?
I don't mind the
farmers' market,
I make a mean chili and I can
build the hell out of a gazebo.
Well, the bench is solid.
I built the bench!
I know.