Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 8 - Mike Check - full transcript

Here we go.
Dinner is served.

VINCE:
Thank God.

I am starving.

Nothing like that first meal
after a good colonoscopy.

Seriously, I don't know
why people are so squeamish.

My procedure today was
downright pleasant.

In and out.

I've had oil changes
that took longer.

Now I'm just picturing you
up on some lift

with a couple greasy
mechanics under you.

Been there.



Come on,
let the man crow.

He's footloose
and polyp-free.

Doctor said I had the
prostate of a 12 year old.

Joyce, you still got the
picture in your purse?

You're the one who wanted
to have a family meal.

I know, but I
always forget

that the family in my head is
never the one that shows up.

(chuckles)

Here it is.

This is definitely going
on the fridge.

Look at that colon.

(groaning)
Huh?

Pink as this ham.

Wow, that's not
a bad lipstick color.



What do you think, Mol?

Well, as repulsed as I
am, it is encouraging

to see a man take
responsibility for his health

and actually go
to the doctor.

VINCENT:
Oh, yeah.

I go every daylight saving.

Spring forward,
the doc checks the front.

Fall back, he checks the crack.

JOYCE:
And when was the last time

he went to the doctor?

Before me.

That was his mother's
administration.

Oh, come on, it wasn't
that long ago.

I remember it was the year
the Cubs missed the World Series

'cause that kid interfered
with that foul ball.

That was 12 years ago; I helped
TP that bastard's house.

12 years ago? Mike.

Why should I go?
I feel great.

If there's something wrong,
my body will tell me.

What, are you deaf?

Mike, it's not really
a big deal.

You just get naked,
hop up on the table,

put your feet in stirrups
and try not to sneeze.

Please don't help.

I already know what
the doctor's gonna do, okay?

He's gonna charge me
for some cockamamy test,

push some pills I don't need,
and tell me to lose 20 pounds.

20?
Watch it,

or you're gonna get a boot in
that pretty pink colon of yours.

Mike, I'm only being a pest
because I love you,

but know this:
I have not yet begun to nag.

VICTORIA: Mike, you
really should go.

JOYCE:
Don't be a baby.

Grow a pair
and have them looked at.

Yeah, why don't you just
make an appointment?

Okay, if it will shut
you all up, I will do it.

Thank you.
VINCENT: You won't regret it, pal.

If you get your colon checked,
go to my guy.

Steady hand
and generous with the lube.

That's a good quality
in a doctor.

And a lover.

It's a...

it's a different family.
I know.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La,
la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

Hey, hon.

Did you make
a doctor's appointment?

Put that down,
and I'll tell you.

No, I did not.

(scoffs) And what's
today's excuse?

'Cause you already used lost
your phone, lost the number,

couldn't charge
your cell phone,

bad reception, uh, too busy
giving CPR to a police horse.

Well, today wasn't as heroic,
but it was just as frustrating.

I-I called, and then I got lost

in that stupid
automated phone system.

I pressed one and ended up
on a Spanish menu,

then I got bounced from
departmente to departmente.

I just got the hell
out of there.

Okay.

You can call them now.

Whoa, no can do.

The close at cinco-thirty.

All right, can we just stop
with the charade?

I already made you
an appointment.

What?
Yeah.

Mañana morning
at ocho o'clock.

Molly, that's
too soon.

I got to prepare.

I mean, I got to get
some time off of work.

I got to buy clean underwear.

Yep, I already cleared it
with your boss.

And there's a three-pack of
tighty-whities on the bed.

You didn't have to do that.
I'm not a baby, you know.

Well, then when you get a shot,
maybe you won't cry.

Shot? Nobody said
anything about needles.

How the hell am I supposed
to know my group plan number?

Same as mine.

5-0-7, 1-2-3, M, double-O, 1.

You've got it memorized?

Of course I do; got to know it
for my dermatologist,

my orthopedist, my internist,
my ENT and my hypnotist.

Helped me quit smoking
and moderate my foot fetish.

Of course, you love
going to the doctor.

Taking off your shirt,
showing off all your muscles,

parading around
for all the nurses.

Yeah, well, I don't parade,

but if the door is open,
the door is open.

A-And by the way,
those gowns are optional;

you don't have
to wear them.

Do you know what it's like for a
guy my size to go to the doctor?

It's humiliating, okay?

My whole life
I've spent layering

so I can cover all this.

Here, it's on full
display, nude.

I can't even put
a tasteful scarf on the lamp

like I do at home.

Man, being naked is the last
thing you have to worry about.

I'd be more concerned
about what's going on

under that husky hood,
you know?

Your blood pressure,
cholesterol,

glucose levels,
triglycerides,

your bad knees,
your sciatica.

Low testosterone,
high estrogen.

And that skin tag village
on your neck

I got to look at
eight hours a day.

Whatever problems I
might have will go away

if I just lose
a little weight.

In fact, that's probably all
he's gonna tell me anyway.

If he doesn't,
you need to change doctors.

Maybe I should save us
a lot of embarrassment...

lose the weight
and then come back.

Yeah, I don't think
Molly would like that.

Well, that's why you're
not gonna tell her.

Where are you going?

Get my diet started.

You heard what I think
the doctor's probably gonna say.

I am so sorry.

Yes, we will try
and reschedule.

I'm sure he had his reasons
for running out like that.

No, there wasn't
a family emergency.

That won't happen
until he gets home.

Okay.

All right, well, thank you.

Well, the big chicken
flew the coop.

Ah, don't worry about it.

Took me a long time to train
Vince to go to the doctor.

Finally fed him
some beets.

He thought he was
crapping blood.

Been going twice a year since.

That's not gonna work.

Mike won't eat beets.

Well, Carl loves to be naked.

And?

That's it.

He just loves to be naked.

You know, Mike's always saying
that he doesn't want me

to treat him like a baby,
but right now

I'd like to swat him
on the bottom

and put him to bed
without a bottle.

Carl likes that, too.

All right,
all right, okay.

See, the problem is you're
treating him like a child,

when you should be
treating him like a dog.

I'm listening.

Look, remember how we used
to get Monroe to the vet?

Trail of Snausages
to the back of the car.

He thinks he's going
to the park.

Next thing you know,
his balls are gone

and he's not humping
you girls anymore.

Mom, I want to send him
to the doctor, not neuter him.

Hey, I'm just saying.

Get him there.

And then decide.

Wow, this is great.

I didn't even know
the air show was in town.

Plus, all those mini Kit-Kats
in the driveway?

What a morning!

Well, you deserve it.

Such a good boy.

Going to the doctor,
you're such a good boy.

It wasn't a big deal.

Like it was nothing.

Exactly.

Hey, wait, isn't the airfield
the other way?

You know what the funny thing
is about doctors?

What's that?

When you ditch an appointment,
they call to reschedule.

(doors lock)

Wait, where are we going?
Where are you taking me?

Where you should have
gone two days ago.

Aw, we can't go to the doctor's;
we'll miss the air show.

There is no air show!

You lied?!
You lied first.

You didn't even go
to the doctor.

Oh, I went, I just didn't stay.

Unlock this door.

Go ahead.
(doors unlock)

Jump out.

I'm going 30. Either way,

you are gonna see
a medical professional.

It's tight.

That's very tight.

Uh, it's pinching.
Do you know what you're doing?

Yeah, I do.

Just know, if my blood
pressure is high,

it's 'cause of you.

Step on the
scale, please.

(groans) Is that
really necessary?

You want me to guess?

Fine, but you better subtract
a couple pounds for this gown.

There you go.

How about a little bedside
manner for the next guy, huh?

Start high, go low.

Now for your height.

Six feet on the dot
since I'm 17.

Five-eleven.

What?!

That's impossible.
Do it again.

The doctor will be
right with you.

Mr. Biggs, nice
to meet you.

I'm Dr. Wexler.

So, how are we
feeling today?

Well, not great
to be honest.

And I don't want
to get anybody fired,

but your girl there was a little
stingy with the height bar.

So, I see here you haven't
had a check-up since, uh...

Wow, turn of
the century.

I just don't see
the point, Doc.

You're just gonna tell me
I'm too fat

and I need
to lose some weight.

Yeah, but I'd say
it nicer than that.

And I would also say...

Deep breath.

Again.

...that you're at an age
where carrying that weight

can cause serious
medical problems.

I know, dude.

Deep breath, please.

Ow.

Is that tender?

I wouldn't say tender.

Ow! Stop it.

How long has that
area been sensitive?

I don't know;
nobody ever touches those.

Hmm, well, it's
probably nothing,

but just to be safe, we should
do some follow-up tests.

What does that mean?

Means I'd like to
get some images,

see what's going
on in there.

Make sure
everything's okay.

No, everything's okay.
I just wasn't ready.

Here, here, d-do it again.

You got a bony finger.

You'll be happy about
that in a minute.

Look at this.

I posted my colon picture
on Facebook.

I already got
30 likes.

It's a good-looking
picture.

VICTORIA:
There he is.

How was the air show?

Really?

So, what'd
the doctor say?

I don't want
to talk about it.

Poor guy probably just got
his first prostate exam.

Let's just leave him alone and
let him sort out his feelings.

(scoffs)
Is he okay?

Yeah, the doctor found
a little cyst in his chest.

He thinks it's nothing, but he
wants Mike to get a mammogram.

What?
Oh, no.

How scary for him.

Okay, we're not making
a big deal out of this.

You know, he just wants to
rule out anything more serious.

Are you telling me guys got to
worry about their boobs now?

It's a lot more common
than you think.

Oh, God, I thought
we just had to worry

about the ball,
the bat and the dugout.

Oh, God, I feel
something!

Joyce, what is that?

It's your nipple.

Has it always
been that big?!

ALL:
Yes.

Mike, don't start looking up
breast lumps on the Internet.

You're just gonna
upset yourself.

Oh, I wasn't. I'm looking
at air show videos.

You know, like I was promised.

Listen, I know that the idea
of a mammogram is scary.

No, it's not,
'cause I'm not getting one.

Doctor said it was nothing.

He said it was
"probably nothing."

Well, that's close
enough for me.

Well, not for me.

Well, it doesn't matter
'cause it's my body.

We're done talking about it.

It's just a little test;
women do it all the time.

And I am a man, ready to
deal with manly problems.

It's a hernia, I just
push it back in.

High cholesterol, choke
down some egg whites.

But a fatty lump
in my breast?

Come on, what am I
supposed to do with that?

Get checked out?

Ah, you're a dog
with a bone, lady.

It's not happening.

Yes, it is, because I love
you, and you made a vow

to spend the rest of
your life with me.

And damn it, it's gonna
be a long happy life

whether you
like it or not!

Yeah, well...

Oh, stop loving me
so much!

What?

You know what the problem
with our health care system is?

Too many people
going to the doctor

just 'cause
something hurts.

Uh, isn't that why
we're supposed to go?

No, that's why you go.

And everybody else
who's a hypochondriac.

I'm old school...
something hurts,

you rub dirt on it
and walk it off.

Rub dirt on it?

That's how you get ringworm.

Which is not
a real worm.

It's a fungus;
it clears up on its own.

Eventually.

The old Mike Biggs "ignore it
and it'll go away" strategy?

Well, that's better
than the Carl McMillan

"everything's
something" strategy.

You remember that heart attack
you had last year

that turned out
to be gas?

Huh? Appendicitis that
turned out to be gas?

Huh? Slipped disc?

Gas!

You don't need a doctor,

you need to quit
drinking ginger ale.

So good though.

Look, I'm just saying,

my way of doing things
has worked out fine so far.

All right, well, the key
phrase there is "so far."

All right? You didn't just
roll off the showroom floor.

You've logged
a lot of hard miles

on that cement truck
you call a body.

All right, I may have suffered
a few dings and dents

along the way, but that's
no reason to assume the worst.

Hey, I'm not assuming the worst.

'Cause you go on that Internet,
you scare yourself to death.

Stay in your bed all night,
feeling yourself up,

thinking "what if."

Is that why you were
so tired today?

I didn't sleep a wink.

That's all the more reason you
need to go get it checked out.

You know, so we can find out
it's only a pulled muscle.

You know, or a gas bubble.

Or you pinned yourself with
your badge a few too many times.

I do do that.

Exactly.

Hmm, you've probably just got
yourself a case of badge boob.

You think that's
what it is?

Well, that's what
we're here to find out.

Imaging center's on the left.

Ah, you got to be kidding me.

Hey, Molly made the appointment,

I was just supposed
to get you here.

Oh, and she also wants you
to take a picture

with the radiologist for proof.

Fine.

But just know,
someday, somehow,

somebody is taking me
to an air show.

Good luck!

(can opens)

God, that's so good.

Are you waiting
for your wife?

Oh, no, hers are perfect,
mine are a little sketchy.

I'm just really uncomfortable;
it's my first time here.

WOMAN 2:
I understand.

First mammogram I
got, I was petrified.

Now I just go in, get
squished and get out.

I'm sorry, "squished"?

Has anyone told you what's
gonna happen in there?

Well, my wife tried,
but I put a pillow over my head.

It takes five minutes.

They put your breasts
on a plate of glass,

position it,
then another plate comes down.

Like a marshmallow
between two graham crackers.

Only thing missing is a piece
of chocolate and a ghost story.

My partner and I just busted
a crack house,

and it's not as scary as this.

Look, you got nothing
to worry about.

Unless they
find something.

They caught mine
pretty early.

Now I'm five
years clean.

Ah, that's great.

WOMAN 1: But you
got to be diligent.

You know, early detection
is the key...

that's why I come
every year.

Thing about cancer,

can't just ignore it and
wish for it to go away.

Wow.

You ladies are
a lot braver than I am.

But you're here.

That takes a
lot of courage.

No, it takes a lot of deceit
on my wife and partner's part.

But... thank you.

Ma?

Molly told me.

I thought you could
use some company.

Thanks, Ma.

Just so you know, you get
the lumpy breasts from me.

Like two socks
full of gum balls.

Well, I'm glad your lump
turned out to be nothing.

I'd hate for anything to happen
to that sweet rack of yours.

(laughs)
Thanks, honey.

Can I, uh, see
the tickets again?

Mike, you went to the doctor;
the air show is real this time.

Well, excuse me for thinking
you might be taking me

to the dentist to get
my rotten tooth looked at.

You said you took care of that
six months ago.

Did I? (chuckles)

Hey, check out
my neck, huh?

Skin tag village,
population zero.

That's nice.

You know, Mol, there's no reason
to be afraid of the doctor.

Are you kidding?
I go twice a year.

Three times if you
include the dentist,

which is where
you're going next.

Oh, I hate the dentist.

All those metal tools
in my mouth.

There's worse places
metal tools can go.

You want to hear about my
last gynecological exam?

No.
Oh, really?

Well, first she
takes the speculum...

in case you didn't know, it's
like a cold metal salad tong.

Okay, enough, enough!

Then she scrapes my
cervix. My cervix!

Okay, I'll go to the dentist!
Just make it stop!