Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 22 - The Bitter Man and the Sea - full transcript

MIKE:
Previously on Mike & Molly...

MAN: Watch out!

CARL:
After that accident,

the one face that's been popping
up in my mind is Victoria's.

Mike, I'm gonna ask her
to marry me.

MIKE:
He's gonna propose to Victoria.

He's gonna propose?
I didn't say anything.

You said exactly that!
I know, I know, I know!

But don't tell anybody.
Don't tell anybody.

He wants it to be a surprise.

You got the ring?
What ring?



The ring you're gonna use
to propose to Victoria with.

I changed my mind.
That ain't happening.

Man. I cannot decide
what I want.

God, you make me sick.

What is going on?

Nothing, sweetie.

Unfortunately,
nothing is going on.

Isn't that right, Carl?

Victoria,

I love you.

I mean, I-I really do.

And, you know,
one day, who knows?

You know, but whatever
you thought was happening,

not gonna happen.



Oh, thank goodness.

What's that now?

Getting my stuff
and I'm getting out of here.

Go ahead, be a baby.

Need help changing
your diaper?!

CARL: Oh, no, don't try
and get sexy with me!

MIKE:
Uh, yeah.

Yeah, about 30 people.
Saturday night.

Okay, I'll e-mail you
my information.

Thank you.

Who was that?

Ah, I've been
racking my brains

trying to plan me and Molly's
anniversary party.

Mm-hmm.
And then bam!

A Dave & Buster's
commercial came on

like a sign from God.

God told you to have an
anniversary party at an arcade?

And pub.

Do you really think
Molly's idea of romance

involves a plastic cup
full of tokens?

It's not tokens, it's
a credit card that you sw...

Have you not been there?

Here's what you're gonna do:
you're gonna take Molly

and your closest friends
on a moonlight dinner cruise

of Lake Michigan.

Okay? There's gonna be
some drinking,

there's gonna be some dancing,

and breathtaking views
of the city

where you fell in love.

Wow. That's good.

Yeah. That's where
I was gonna take Victoria

for our anniversary.

Mm, sorry, buddy.
I feel for you.

Hey, can you fish off that boat?

Hey, Molly.

Hey, Carl. Didn't think you'd...
still be here.

Mike, I didn't think he'd still be here.
Yeah,

I'm sorry. I didn't realize
the game was gonna go this long.

(quietly): Can't you take Victoria around
the block a couple times?

No, we already took
a couple extra hours at the spa.

I've got stuff waxed
that shouldn't be waxed.

Really?

Just get him out.

All right, hey, uh, Carl,
we got to wrap this up, buddy.

How 'bout we listen to
the rest of the game in the car?

What, basketball on the radio?

That's just a bunch
of squeaky sneakers.

You guys,

I know Victoria's out
on the porch, all right?

Just let her in.
We're both adults.

No, you're not.

I suppose this was gonna happen
at some point.

What are you doing, silly?

Oh. Hello.

Victoria.

Yeah. Uh, we were just going.

Oh, you don't have
to go anywhere on my account.

CARL:
See? We're fine.

Let's just watch
the end of this game.

And, Victoria, you
might want to join us.

You like to play games.

My favorite game was
Dump the Chump, so...

Okay!

Okay,

we tried, we failed.

Carl, maybe you should go.

No, I'm here as a guest
of my best friend, all right?

And if he wants me to leave,
he should just tell me himself.

I want you to leave.

No.
VICTORIA: Ugh.

Why do you always to be
such a drama queen?

(gasps)
Don't you dare call me that!

I don't know
what I ever saw in you.

You know what, well,
I got news for you, lady.

You're not the first
woman to say that.

You're an awful man!

And you're a crazy woman!

Ugh!
Okay! Okay!

You get yours,
I'll get mine!

All right, let's go.

Just call him Daddy...

he'll do whatever you want!

I don't want to hear any more!
Just get Daddy out of here.

♪ La, la-Ba-Dee-da ♪

♪ La,
la-Ba-Dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

If you don't have plans
on Saturday,

I thought maybe
I could blow your mind.

By taking me

to Dave & Buster's
for our anniversary?

Aah!

What?

They called earlier to confirm.

Ah, I forgot to cancel.

We're-we're not actually going
to Dave & Buster's.

Oh, thank God.

But I seemed
on board though, right?

For our anniversary, you, me,
and a group of our friends

are gonna take a moonlit boat
tour of beautiful Lake Michigan

with views of the city
we fell in love in.

Get out of here.

No, I will not.

Oh, my God.

I am blown away.

And will you thank
whoever gave you that idea?

It was Carl.

But everything comes
with a price.

He's singing "Isn't She Lovely"
for our first dance.

Mike, do you think
it's really a good idea

to have Carl and Victoria
at the same party?

Well, not really. But what am I
supposed to do, uninvite him?

Aw, come on!

Well, what are we supposed
to do?

I mean, the two of them?
Plus alcohol? On a boat?

Did you not see
The Poseidon Adventure?

We're gonna be upside down

and climbing up a Christmas tree
before we know it.

He was my best man.

She's my sister.

(sighs) Mol, you just don't
understand the kind of position

you're gonna put me in.

I do.

It's an awful one.

But tell him that we'll do
something together,

just the three of us.

Dave & Buster's?

Yeah. Just the two of you.

Yeah. Go.

♪ Isn't sh... ♪

(clears throat)
♪ Isn't... ♪

(clears throat)

♪ Isn't-isn't she lovely. ♪

Hey, don't worry.
I'll be ready when we set sail.

Yeah.

Listen, Carl, um...
Mm-hmm.

You remember
when you were picking players

for the precinct
softball team,

and when you didn't pick me, you
asked me to take it like a man?

Mm-hmm. That was right
before you ripped up home plate

and threw it at my head.

But eventually I understood,
'cause it was good for the team.

It was good for you, too.

I mean, you may be built
like Babe Ruth,

but you play like Dr. Ruth.

Ha-ha! Dr. Ruth.

That's a good one.

You can't come to the party.

Excuse me, what?

Molly and I...
especially Molly...

think it's a good idea
that you don't go

since Victoria's
gonna be there.

H-Hold on now. If you're talking
about what happened yesterday,

that was not my fault.

Okay, you heard her
when she walked in there.

(mocking):
"Hello."

I'm supposed to ignore all that?

Well, look, I'm sorry.
You're out!

I can't believe what I'm hearing.
(sighs)

I basically introduced you two,
made you ask her out,

and this whole party is my idea.

Without me,
there is no Mike and Molly!

I know.

And I'm asking you,
as my best friend,

please just let this one go.

(sighs)

Is that what you really want?

No!

But it's what
I need you to do.

All right.

Consider it done.

Thank you.
You're a good friend.

(sighs)

(sniffles)

(voice breaking):
♪ Isn't she lovely ♪

(sniffles)

♪ Isn't she wonderful... ♪

Okay, not that
it's a competition,

but I call Mike's anniversary
cruise, and I raise it with...

this. Ta-da!

Oh, my God.

It's beautiful!

What the hell is it?

It's a window
into our relationship.

I mean, these are the tickets

from the first Cubs game
we ever saw.

This is our wedding invitation.

This is an actual page
out of Mike's police notebook

when he first asked me out.

Oh, he's so lucky
you're a hoarder.

I'm not a hoarder.

I'm a romantic
with hoarding tendencies.

I can't believe you and Mike
have been married

for three years already.
I know.

And I can remember
our first date.

Oh, I was so sick.
I got hopped up on liquor

and cough syrup,
and I threw up all over his car.

And he asked you
on a second date.

That's when I knew I had him.

It's hard to find
something special like that.

But when you do,
hold on to it.

Yeah.

Oh, sweetie.

You have so
much to offer.

Thanks, Mom.

Any man would be
lucky to have you.

Or woman.

Now, my friend Janice
has a daughter.

Very successful
pediatrician.

At least have coffee.

See where it goes.

Might as well.

Couldn't hurt. Yeah.

Ramirez!

So glad you could make it.

We're upstairs
on the Topaz Deck.

All right. Open bar?
How long have you known me?

Long enough to
bring my own flask.

Attaboy.

Hello, Michael!

Aw, Nana.

(chuckles)
Mmm.

Hey, thank you so much
for coming.

I hope you understand
why I couldn't invite Carl.

Of course I do!
This is your night.

And we all know what
Carl can be like.

A grown-up party is no place
for a 12-year-old girl.

SAMUEL:
Ah.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Seriously? A life vest?

I'm sorry, I thought
we were on a boat.

Happy anniversary, Mike.

Two tickets to Wicked.

Wow, hey, thanks, Harry.

Molly's been wanting
to see that show.

Oh.

Sure, Molly.

Yeah, I can see it
another time.

This is a
beautiful venue.

Yeah.
You really went all out.

High-class,
all the way.

It's a cash bar,
deal with it.

Carl, what the hell
are you doing here?

You promised me you weren't coming.
I did.

But time has passed,
and things have changed.

Who's this?

Allow me to introduce you
to Stephanie.

I pulled her off Craigslist.

Hi.

Please don't do this.

I'm not doing anything
but enjoying

a moonlit cruise
on Lake Michigan.

And until we cross
into Canadian waters,

this is still a free country.

You know what's gonna happen
when Victoria spots you?

Well, I don't know exactly,
but for the amount of money

I paid on Stephanie,
I hope her head explodes.

I see the entertainment
has arrived.

(groans)

Eight dollars for rum and Coke
suddenly seems like a bargain.

This is so romantic.

You're lucky you got somebody
to share this with, Mom.

Aw, honey, I know
you're disappointed,

but you're gonna find somebody.

Probably when you
least expect it.

Look at your mother and me.

Who knew a sloppy drunken
one-night stand

would turn into forever?

Not me, that's for sure.

I woke up next to this one and
thought, "What have I done""

(chuckles)

"And who still has a water bed""

Say what you want,
but that bed did half the work.

Point is, love is tricky.

You can't go looking for it.

Then how am I gonna find it?

You don't.
It finds you.

Is it here now?

It was, till you just asked.

Now it's gone again,
till you forget about it.

Have you not heard
a word we've said?

This is all very confusing.

Exactly.

That's love.

Three years married.

That's right around the time
Mike's dad first cheated on me.

You sure you don't want to save
that story for your toast?

Mm.

I should've known
something was up

when he switched
to colored underwear.

I guess what I'm saying is

Mike knows the warning signs,
so watch your step.

Hey, Ma.

Check her underwear
to see what color it is.

Listen...
No, you listen.

You did it... this
party is amazing.

And the bartender
knows I'm the bride,

so I keep getting
free drinks.

(laughs)

Maybe you want to take it easy.

We might have to keep
our wits about us.

Oh, no.

Is this some kind of
murder-mystery cruise?

Mike, you were
doing so well.

No, Carl's on the boat.

What?
And he brought a date.

What?
And I dropped my phone in the toilet,

but Carl is the main problem.

Well, you got to
get him out of here

before Victoria sees him.
We're in the middle of a lake.

What do you want me to do?
Push him overboard?

There are a lot of
boats out there.

Somebody's gonna
pick him up.

Molly.
Fine.

Give him a flashlight
and a whistle.

Hey, Harry.

Have you seen Victoria?

No, I have not.

And you're not supposed
to be here.

Shouldn't you be floating out
in the darkness or somewhere,

waiting for a ship to hit you?

Haven't you hurt
enough people today?

Charmed.

You know something, it might be
the three margaritas,

but I'm feeling much better.

Aw, see?

I don't know why they say
alcohol's a depressant.

It fixes everything.

Mm-hmm.

Listen, Victoria.

We-we may have a
bit of a situation.

(Carl whoops,
dance music playing)

(grunting rhythmically)

(whoops)

I'm sorry, he wasn't
supposed to come.

Don't worry, I'll go
get rid of the two of them.

No, you won't.

I'll handle this.

Ah, that's my girl.

Get her to the ground,
put her in a camel clutch.

End this quick
so we can get back

to your sister's
nice party.

Hey, Carl.

I hope you have a wonderful
time at the party.

See, that's how
we Flynn girls do it.

Pure class.

Jackass.

Unbelievable.

Ah, best drink ever.

Okay, everybody,
come on, gather round.

It's time for Mike
to open his present.

Been wanting to get you
something that, you know,

is from the heart and shows you
how much I love you.

Aw, thank you, sweetie.

All right, it's...

an old window!

I love it.

Turn it over.
Over.

Aw...

It's stuff
from our life together.

Yeah, Cubbies tickets.

And, oh, there's the
"Do Not Disturb" sign

from that hotel
where we first...

Okay.
Okay, a lot of good memories.

You like it?

I love it.

And I love you.

I love you, too.

All right.

I would like to
say a few words.

Oh, thanks.

Four years, three months
and two days ago,

I had no idea who the hell
I was or where I was going.

And one day later,
all of that changed.

'Cause I met a girl.

And her only flaw
was her taste in men.

(laughter)

And I thank God
for that every day.

I hope everyone here
is lucky enough

to feel the way I feel at
least once in their life.

Here is to love.

ALL:
Aw...

(applause)

Did you have the
garlic prawns?

No.
Good.

Uh, as you probably
know by now,

I did have the garlic prawns.

But I sensed
this was my moment.

Well, I'd hate to catch
what he just gave you.

Don't worry,
uh, I'm very clean.

No one has touched me
in three years.

Well, let's
change that.

Hey, get off
of her, man!

Hey, hey, hey,
that's enough, Carl.

Come here, come here.
What is wrong with you?

Let go of me, man! Got nothing to do with you.
Hey, hey!

(splash)

You happy?!

Now, how is this my fault?

How is this your fault?
Because you made it about you.

You're selfish, you're a baby,
and you're a crappy friend!

Oh, I'm a crappy
friend, huh?

None of this
would have happened

if you just invited me,
but you didn't.

You chose them over me
like you always do.

Well, Victoria's family.

Yeah, I thought I was family.

Honestly, I don't know
what you are right now.

Mike, it's okay.

No, it's not.
He ruined everything.

All our memories are at the
bottom of Lake Michigan.

Hey, we'll make more, okay?

We don't need a bunch
of stuff in an old window

to prove what we've got.

Come on, let the bride
get you a drink.

So was all that just...?

Okay, that's
what I thought.

I haven't seen Carl yet.

No, he's apologizing this time,

and he'd better have a scone
in his hand when he does it.

Hey, uh, what do you say
this weekend,

we go down to that little hotel
and see if we can't

earn ourselves another
"Do Not Disturb" sign?

And Dave & Buster's?

God, I love you.

All right,
I'll talk to you later.

Okay, love you, bye.

Hey, Biggs.

Ramirez, what are you doing?

Oh, you didn't hear?
Carl requested a transfer.

He already cleared
his locker out.

What are you
talking about?

I'm your new partner.

Buckle up, big guy.

I've got rules in my squad car.