Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 21 - Near Death Do Us Part - full transcript
A near-death experience on the job inspires Carl to propose to Victoria.
Oh, this is crazy.
You know, now I get
why people hate us
when we block traffic.
What the hell
are they building, anyway?
According to that poster
on the fence,
it's gonna be high-rise
condominiums and shops
populated completely
by white people.
What are you talking about?
There's a black guy right there.
That's not a black guy.
That's a heat lamp.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
I was wondering why he was
wearing that Chinese hat.
But what is going on with
this cement truck? Mm-hmm.
Come on, move it, man.
Let's give him
a little whoop-whoop.
(siren whooping)
Did that son of a bitch
just flip us the bird?
Why did he do that?
Now we got to get out
of the car.
You know what he did?
He put bad karma
out in the world,
and now it's coming home
to roost.
Well, which is why I choose
to radiate positive energy.
Universe is
a cosmic penny jar...
never take one,
always leave one.
Aw, he's got a busted taillight.
That's a $100 fine.
Namaste, universe.
MAN:
Watch out!
Whoa.
Well, you go
write the ticket.
I got to go change my pants.
♪ La, la-Ba-Dee-da ♪
♪ La,
la-Ba-Dee-da ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
SAMUEL:
Gentlemen,
your booth awaits.
Uh, one tea and one coffee?
I love you.
I might not always like you,
but I love you.
Well, someone's getting
an extra sausage link.
(sighs)
That could have been it, man.
I mean, what would have
been my last words?
You know, what was
the last thing that I said?
I don't know, something about
crapping your pants.
I guess there's no way
to make that sound heroic.
Yeah, I just keep
replaying the scene
over and over in my head, man.
If we're in that squad car
for ten more seconds,
we're not here.
Yeah, we are alive by the grace
of a truck driver's
middle finger.
God bless that rude
son of a bitch.
You know, this is
the kind of thing
that makes you take
a hard look at your life.
You know? Did I live
the best one that I could?
Did I carpe my Diem?
Yeah, uh... it really
makes you think.
You know? I mean...
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm good.
What... Are you telling me
that you're satisfied
with everything
that you did in your life?
Well, there was that mullet
and that Michael Jackson glove
I wore in my senior picture,
but overall,
I'd say A-plus-plus...
would recommend to a friend.
All right, well, not me.
After that accident,
the one face
that's been popping up
in my mind is Victoria's.
Well, what's wrong with that?
It means you're finally
in a good relationship.
No drama, no crying
phone calls at 3:00 a.m.
I am so glad to not be
getting those from you anymore.
Hey, man, I'm just happy
that I've been given
a second chance
to do something that I should've
done a long time ago.
Mike, I'm gonna
ask her to marry me.
Really?
I love her.
I want to spend the rest
of my life with her.
And the rest of my life
starts right now.
Okay, you... you sure this isn't
just some knee-jerk reaction
to almost getting panini'ed
in the squad car?
I'm as sure as I've been
about anything.
Well, then that's fantastic.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Big news, Samuel.
Carl is gonna ask
Victoria to marry him.
No.
Well, she can do much better,
but I'm so happy for you.
Hey, let's make this official.
Mike Biggs,
will you be my best man?
Course, I'd be honored.
All right, then.
Oh, and Samuel?
Yes?
Can I get some
lemon for my tea?
(indistinct conversation)
Yep. It was just
a freak accident, man.
One bolt cracked, and bam!
Carl and I could've ended up
like a couple
of Girl Scout Thin Mints.
Oh, my God. I am so thankful
that you weren't hurt.
We all are.
Yeah, but if he had to go,
flattened by a girder's
not a bad way.
Yeah, it's quick, painless,
and you were on the job, so
the payout's got to be huge.
Oh, and that's-that's
just from the city.
The big jackpot
comes from the settlement
with the construction company.
Oh, yeah, that kind
of negligence...
we'd spend the
rest of our days
living on a yacht
off Myrtle Beach. Oh.
Wearing nothing
but sunscreen and a smile
on the SS Mike.
Mmm.
I'm still alive.
Yeah, and it's my money.
Well, I guess we've
all learned something
about each other, haven't we?
You two are not invited
on the yacht.
Are you sure you're okay?
You know, I'm more than okay.
When I almost died
today, I realized...
I don't have any regrets.
Except that maybe I
didn't meet you sooner.
Aw.
You know, you were already
getting some action tonight,
but now you are really
gonna get some.
Oh, hey, by the way,
Carl invited us to dinner with
Victoria and him on Friday.
Oh. Okay.
Yeah, uh, I can't tell you why.
But it's very important
that we be there.
All right.
I mean, it's really,
really, really important
that we be there.
Does Carl have another Groupon?
Hmm?
You're close.
He's gonna propose to Victoria.
He's gonna propose?
I didn't say anything.
You said exactly that. I know, I
know, I know! But don't tell anybody.
Don't tell anybody.
He wants it to be a surprise.
Well, of course not.
I'm not gonna ruin
Victoria's biggest night.
Ooh! I can help her
plan the wedding.
I can fix all the mistakes
we made with ours.
What... Wh-What mistakes?
Our wedding was beautiful.
It was good.
It wasn't perfect.
Let's just say, if a girder
landed on me, I'd still
be seeing your Fudgie
the Whale groomsman cake.
My only regret is...
I didn't get to marry you twice.
I already said you're
getting action.
It's not gonna happen sooner.
I almost died.
All right, let's go.
(giggles)
(Molly, Victoria
and Joyce squealing)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Hey, hey, hey!
Is every-everything okay?
Yeah. Why?
I-I thought I heard something.
No.
Not here.
No.
Maybe it was from outside.
Oh.
Do you still hear it?
No.
Then I guess it's your word
against ours.
All right,
I'm gonna get going.
Okay.
Bye, hon.
Have a great day at work.
I will.
(door closes)
(both whooping)
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Oh... Now, remember,
you can't say a word.
Oh, don't worry, I can keep
a secret. I'm not like you.
I'm just so proud of myself.
Both my girls married off,
and neither one of
you knocked up. Aw.
I'd like to take credit,
but it's just
dumb luck, really, so...
This is so exciting. I'm
thinking a winter wedding.
Neutral palette,
harps play as you walk
down the aisle strewn
with rose petals.
Or we could do it in Vegas
dressed like Bonnie and Clyde.
Don't ruin this for me, okay?
Come on, girls,
we're gonna be late.
So, where you going
for dinner?
Uh, Permesso.
I approve.
Thank you. So does Yelp.
Four stars and only
two dollar signs.
(to tune of "Bridal Chorus"):
♪ Here comes Victoria. ♪
Look at me.
My hands are sweating.
Take good care
of my little girl.
I will. And Mike's
paying for Molly, too.
We worked all that out.
Ooh, I hope you like seafood.
For as long
as we both shall live.
MOLLY:
Sorry.
I bought a new camera.
Just testing it out.
And one more with the mother
of the... Victoria.
Ah.
Okay, let's get a move on.
Go. Have dinner.
Mazel tov!
(chuckles)
(quietly):
You got the ring?
What ring?
The ring you're gonna use
to propose to Victoria with.
Oh, that? Well, I
changed my mind.
That ain't happening.
Whoa!
What are you talking about?
You can't just ask someone to
marry you and then take it back.
I didn't ask anyone to marry me.
Well, you asked me!
I mean, you told me you
were gonna ask Victoria.
I mean, that is practically
a verbal contract.
We almost got killed.
I said a lot of things.
I told Samuel
he could have my ten-speed bike.
I'm sorry he shaved his legs
and bought a helmet,
but I'm taking
my bike back, too.
Yeah, but you set
things in motion.
Nothing got set in motion.
The only person I told was you.
Yeah, but y...
you got my hopes up!
And now I am very
disappointed.
Aw. You want to be
my brother-in-law.
(chuckles) Look, don't worry.
I love Victoria, okay?
The time will come, all right?
But this is a big decision.
There's no need
to rush into it.
All I can say is, you
picked a hell of a time
to stop jumping into
things like an idiot.
Thank you.
Thank God I got action
yesterday,
'cause I am headed
for a drought.
(chuckling)
Hey. You guys should see
the new squad car they gave us.
Same model, same features,
but it's got that new car smell,
you know, as opposed
to that old Mike smell.
(laughter)
Oh, very nice.
CARL: Oh, no.
We didn't order champagne.
The Groupon says ice tea only.
Oh. This is compliments
of me and Mike.
Well, we'll just have
the one glass.
Everybody can take a pull.
Keep pouring. Keep pouring.
(quietly): Can you not be
so cheap just for one night?
This is a special occasion.
Or a very uncomfortable dinner.
Can I talk to you
for a sec, Mol?
No, because I bet Carl
is just about to make a toast.
No, I'm not.
Oh, that's right.
Those come later.
Come on.
Uh, it'll just take a second.
Uh... oh, I want you
to help me pick out a lobster.
You hate lobster.
No, I'm allergic.
But I'm willing to give
it another try. Come on!
All right. A wife's job
is never done. You'll see.
Very soon.
Mmm.
So...
So.
So...
So?
So!
Ooh, this guy.
He wants out anyway.
Come on. Let's go back
before he gives her the ring.
There is no ring.
(gasps)
He's gonna let her pick out
the one she wants.
Oh, I wish
you would've done that.
What?
What?
No, listen to me.
Carl changed his mind.
He's not proposing tonight.
I'm sorry. What's that?
Well, he thought about it,
and he doesn't want
to rush into anything.
So no harm, no foul.
You know? I think I
will have the lobster.
You got Benadryl, right?
Are you crazy?
Carl can't back out now.
There are things in motion.
What's in motion?
You know, things.
Oh. Did you tell Victoria?
No.
Molly.
Of course I did.
(groans)
Well, why did you do that?
It was supposed to be just
between the two of us.
No, this was supposed
to be between you and Carl,
and you blew it,
with your big, stupid mouth.
Really? That's the angle
you're taking? Yeah.
And your friend's an idiot.
Well, now that I can get behind.
Victoria, can I talk to you
for a second?
If it's about picking
the lobster,
I don't want any part of it.
Let somebody else play God.
No, it's not about that.
Just come with me.
Well, hold on. The waiter's
been by, like, three times.
We should probably figure out
what we're ordering first.
Yeah, sounds good.
Man,
I cannot decide what I want.
No, you cannot.
Too many choices. A man
shouldn't have to pick just one.
God, you make me sick.
Mol.
Easy, easy.
I'm sorry,
did I say something?
No, you didn't.
Because you're a wishy-washy
child who can't commit!
What is going on?
Nothing, sweetie. Unfortunately,
nothing is going on.
Isn't that right, Carl?
Well, that all depends
if Mike opened his big mouth.
Well, of course he did.
Focus. He's the idiot.
So, wait, you thought
I was gonna propose?
I did.
Oh, no.
But you're not?
Victoria, I love you.
I-I really do.
And, you know, one day,
who knows?
You know? But whatever
you thought was happening
is not gonna happen.
Well, at least not tonight.
Oh, thank goodness.
What's that, now?
Are you ready to order?
What's your soup?
Can we have a minute, please?
VICTORIA:
I mean, I love you,
but I am not ready to marry you.
What? When you first
spilled the beans, I got
so caught up in the excitement
and the idea of having a wedding
that I didn't really think
about what came after that.
So, what, y-you're saying
you're relieved
that you don't have to spend
the rest of your life with me?
Oh, here comes the spinout.
Hold on a second.
Let's say
I did ask you to marry me.
But you didn't.
But if I did.
Would you have said yes?
Carl, come on.
That's like asking, if a chicken
laid an egg in the forest,
would you hear it?
I guess it was a good thing
I didn't ruin your life
by offering to love and cherish
you till death do us part.
What are you getting
so mad about?
You didn't want
to marry me, either.
No, I did.
And then I didn't.
And then I thought
maybe someday.
Sounds to me like you don't know
what the hell you want.
What I want is for you to not
want me to want to marry you.
Is that so hard
to understand?
Can you believe this?
I was so close to planning
the perfect wedding.
Eh. Hey, maybe
we can renew our vows.
Ooh, how about
we do it in Vegas?
God, why do you people want
to ruin everything for me?
A little higher.
Are you kidding me?
I'm on the step that says,
"This is not a step."
(blowing party horn)
Congratulations!
Oh, no.
Take it down.
Take it all down.
She said no?
He didn't ask.
And then she said no.
I'm getting my stuff
and I'm getting out of here.
Go ahead. Be a baby.
Need help changing your diaper?
CARL: Oh, no.
Don't try and get sexy with me.
Well, on the bright side,
that's the last time
Carl tells me a secret.
(sighs)
I love you, Mike,
but you've got a big mouth.
Oh, this thing is nice.
Dual climate control.
Hey, you blast the heat,
I'll blast the cold,
see if we can't make it
rain in here.
I liked the way it was.
Well, you don't
really have a choice.
I mean, that thing
was destroyed.
Publicly.
In front of our very eyes.
Yeah, but maybe
we could've fixed it.
Look, I-I know you loved
how things were, but...
let-let's be honest.
It wasn't exactly perfect;
Very high-maintenance.
Yeah, but there was
a comfort level there.
You know, we knew each other.
Plus, I loved
that beautiful trunk.
Eh... in time, you'll forget
about the old one
and learn to love a new one.
Uh, maybe you'll love it
even more.
It does ride nice.
Very smooth.
Ah, see? There you go.
Focus on what's ahead of you.
That's right.
Only thing I see
in my rearview mirror
is a handsome, eligible man
who bowls in the 180s
and makes one heck of
a mock apple pie. (chuckles)
Exactly. Thanks, man.
You're a good friend.
Ah, glad I could help.
Mike?
Yeah.
(choking up):
I miss my old squad car.
All right. Okay.
All right. It's okay.
Breathe.
(sighs)
You know, now I get
why people hate us
when we block traffic.
What the hell
are they building, anyway?
According to that poster
on the fence,
it's gonna be high-rise
condominiums and shops
populated completely
by white people.
What are you talking about?
There's a black guy right there.
That's not a black guy.
That's a heat lamp.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
I was wondering why he was
wearing that Chinese hat.
But what is going on with
this cement truck? Mm-hmm.
Come on, move it, man.
Let's give him
a little whoop-whoop.
(siren whooping)
Did that son of a bitch
just flip us the bird?
Why did he do that?
Now we got to get out
of the car.
You know what he did?
He put bad karma
out in the world,
and now it's coming home
to roost.
Well, which is why I choose
to radiate positive energy.
Universe is
a cosmic penny jar...
never take one,
always leave one.
Aw, he's got a busted taillight.
That's a $100 fine.
Namaste, universe.
MAN:
Watch out!
Whoa.
Well, you go
write the ticket.
I got to go change my pants.
♪ La, la-Ba-Dee-da ♪
♪ La,
la-Ba-Dee-da ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ I see love ♪
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
♪ I see love ♪
SAMUEL:
Gentlemen,
your booth awaits.
Uh, one tea and one coffee?
I love you.
I might not always like you,
but I love you.
Well, someone's getting
an extra sausage link.
(sighs)
That could have been it, man.
I mean, what would have
been my last words?
You know, what was
the last thing that I said?
I don't know, something about
crapping your pants.
I guess there's no way
to make that sound heroic.
Yeah, I just keep
replaying the scene
over and over in my head, man.
If we're in that squad car
for ten more seconds,
we're not here.
Yeah, we are alive by the grace
of a truck driver's
middle finger.
God bless that rude
son of a bitch.
You know, this is
the kind of thing
that makes you take
a hard look at your life.
You know? Did I live
the best one that I could?
Did I carpe my Diem?
Yeah, uh... it really
makes you think.
You know? I mean...
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm good.
What... Are you telling me
that you're satisfied
with everything
that you did in your life?
Well, there was that mullet
and that Michael Jackson glove
I wore in my senior picture,
but overall,
I'd say A-plus-plus...
would recommend to a friend.
All right, well, not me.
After that accident,
the one face
that's been popping up
in my mind is Victoria's.
Well, what's wrong with that?
It means you're finally
in a good relationship.
No drama, no crying
phone calls at 3:00 a.m.
I am so glad to not be
getting those from you anymore.
Hey, man, I'm just happy
that I've been given
a second chance
to do something that I should've
done a long time ago.
Mike, I'm gonna
ask her to marry me.
Really?
I love her.
I want to spend the rest
of my life with her.
And the rest of my life
starts right now.
Okay, you... you sure this isn't
just some knee-jerk reaction
to almost getting panini'ed
in the squad car?
I'm as sure as I've been
about anything.
Well, then that's fantastic.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Big news, Samuel.
Carl is gonna ask
Victoria to marry him.
No.
Well, she can do much better,
but I'm so happy for you.
Hey, let's make this official.
Mike Biggs,
will you be my best man?
Course, I'd be honored.
All right, then.
Oh, and Samuel?
Yes?
Can I get some
lemon for my tea?
(indistinct conversation)
Yep. It was just
a freak accident, man.
One bolt cracked, and bam!
Carl and I could've ended up
like a couple
of Girl Scout Thin Mints.
Oh, my God. I am so thankful
that you weren't hurt.
We all are.
Yeah, but if he had to go,
flattened by a girder's
not a bad way.
Yeah, it's quick, painless,
and you were on the job, so
the payout's got to be huge.
Oh, and that's-that's
just from the city.
The big jackpot
comes from the settlement
with the construction company.
Oh, yeah, that kind
of negligence...
we'd spend the
rest of our days
living on a yacht
off Myrtle Beach. Oh.
Wearing nothing
but sunscreen and a smile
on the SS Mike.
Mmm.
I'm still alive.
Yeah, and it's my money.
Well, I guess we've
all learned something
about each other, haven't we?
You two are not invited
on the yacht.
Are you sure you're okay?
You know, I'm more than okay.
When I almost died
today, I realized...
I don't have any regrets.
Except that maybe I
didn't meet you sooner.
Aw.
You know, you were already
getting some action tonight,
but now you are really
gonna get some.
Oh, hey, by the way,
Carl invited us to dinner with
Victoria and him on Friday.
Oh. Okay.
Yeah, uh, I can't tell you why.
But it's very important
that we be there.
All right.
I mean, it's really,
really, really important
that we be there.
Does Carl have another Groupon?
Hmm?
You're close.
He's gonna propose to Victoria.
He's gonna propose?
I didn't say anything.
You said exactly that. I know, I
know, I know! But don't tell anybody.
Don't tell anybody.
He wants it to be a surprise.
Well, of course not.
I'm not gonna ruin
Victoria's biggest night.
Ooh! I can help her
plan the wedding.
I can fix all the mistakes
we made with ours.
What... Wh-What mistakes?
Our wedding was beautiful.
It was good.
It wasn't perfect.
Let's just say, if a girder
landed on me, I'd still
be seeing your Fudgie
the Whale groomsman cake.
My only regret is...
I didn't get to marry you twice.
I already said you're
getting action.
It's not gonna happen sooner.
I almost died.
All right, let's go.
(giggles)
(Molly, Victoria
and Joyce squealing)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Hey, hey, hey!
Is every-everything okay?
Yeah. Why?
I-I thought I heard something.
No.
Not here.
No.
Maybe it was from outside.
Oh.
Do you still hear it?
No.
Then I guess it's your word
against ours.
All right,
I'm gonna get going.
Okay.
Bye, hon.
Have a great day at work.
I will.
(door closes)
(both whooping)
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Oh... Now, remember,
you can't say a word.
Oh, don't worry, I can keep
a secret. I'm not like you.
I'm just so proud of myself.
Both my girls married off,
and neither one of
you knocked up. Aw.
I'd like to take credit,
but it's just
dumb luck, really, so...
This is so exciting. I'm
thinking a winter wedding.
Neutral palette,
harps play as you walk
down the aisle strewn
with rose petals.
Or we could do it in Vegas
dressed like Bonnie and Clyde.
Don't ruin this for me, okay?
Come on, girls,
we're gonna be late.
So, where you going
for dinner?
Uh, Permesso.
I approve.
Thank you. So does Yelp.
Four stars and only
two dollar signs.
(to tune of "Bridal Chorus"):
♪ Here comes Victoria. ♪
Look at me.
My hands are sweating.
Take good care
of my little girl.
I will. And Mike's
paying for Molly, too.
We worked all that out.
Ooh, I hope you like seafood.
For as long
as we both shall live.
MOLLY:
Sorry.
I bought a new camera.
Just testing it out.
And one more with the mother
of the... Victoria.
Ah.
Okay, let's get a move on.
Go. Have dinner.
Mazel tov!
(chuckles)
(quietly):
You got the ring?
What ring?
The ring you're gonna use
to propose to Victoria with.
Oh, that? Well, I
changed my mind.
That ain't happening.
Whoa!
What are you talking about?
You can't just ask someone to
marry you and then take it back.
I didn't ask anyone to marry me.
Well, you asked me!
I mean, you told me you
were gonna ask Victoria.
I mean, that is practically
a verbal contract.
We almost got killed.
I said a lot of things.
I told Samuel
he could have my ten-speed bike.
I'm sorry he shaved his legs
and bought a helmet,
but I'm taking
my bike back, too.
Yeah, but you set
things in motion.
Nothing got set in motion.
The only person I told was you.
Yeah, but y...
you got my hopes up!
And now I am very
disappointed.
Aw. You want to be
my brother-in-law.
(chuckles) Look, don't worry.
I love Victoria, okay?
The time will come, all right?
But this is a big decision.
There's no need
to rush into it.
All I can say is, you
picked a hell of a time
to stop jumping into
things like an idiot.
Thank you.
Thank God I got action
yesterday,
'cause I am headed
for a drought.
(chuckling)
Hey. You guys should see
the new squad car they gave us.
Same model, same features,
but it's got that new car smell,
you know, as opposed
to that old Mike smell.
(laughter)
Oh, very nice.
CARL: Oh, no.
We didn't order champagne.
The Groupon says ice tea only.
Oh. This is compliments
of me and Mike.
Well, we'll just have
the one glass.
Everybody can take a pull.
Keep pouring. Keep pouring.
(quietly): Can you not be
so cheap just for one night?
This is a special occasion.
Or a very uncomfortable dinner.
Can I talk to you
for a sec, Mol?
No, because I bet Carl
is just about to make a toast.
No, I'm not.
Oh, that's right.
Those come later.
Come on.
Uh, it'll just take a second.
Uh... oh, I want you
to help me pick out a lobster.
You hate lobster.
No, I'm allergic.
But I'm willing to give
it another try. Come on!
All right. A wife's job
is never done. You'll see.
Very soon.
Mmm.
So...
So.
So...
So?
So!
Ooh, this guy.
He wants out anyway.
Come on. Let's go back
before he gives her the ring.
There is no ring.
(gasps)
He's gonna let her pick out
the one she wants.
Oh, I wish
you would've done that.
What?
What?
No, listen to me.
Carl changed his mind.
He's not proposing tonight.
I'm sorry. What's that?
Well, he thought about it,
and he doesn't want
to rush into anything.
So no harm, no foul.
You know? I think I
will have the lobster.
You got Benadryl, right?
Are you crazy?
Carl can't back out now.
There are things in motion.
What's in motion?
You know, things.
Oh. Did you tell Victoria?
No.
Molly.
Of course I did.
(groans)
Well, why did you do that?
It was supposed to be just
between the two of us.
No, this was supposed
to be between you and Carl,
and you blew it,
with your big, stupid mouth.
Really? That's the angle
you're taking? Yeah.
And your friend's an idiot.
Well, now that I can get behind.
Victoria, can I talk to you
for a second?
If it's about picking
the lobster,
I don't want any part of it.
Let somebody else play God.
No, it's not about that.
Just come with me.
Well, hold on. The waiter's
been by, like, three times.
We should probably figure out
what we're ordering first.
Yeah, sounds good.
Man,
I cannot decide what I want.
No, you cannot.
Too many choices. A man
shouldn't have to pick just one.
God, you make me sick.
Mol.
Easy, easy.
I'm sorry,
did I say something?
No, you didn't.
Because you're a wishy-washy
child who can't commit!
What is going on?
Nothing, sweetie. Unfortunately,
nothing is going on.
Isn't that right, Carl?
Well, that all depends
if Mike opened his big mouth.
Well, of course he did.
Focus. He's the idiot.
So, wait, you thought
I was gonna propose?
I did.
Oh, no.
But you're not?
Victoria, I love you.
I-I really do.
And, you know, one day,
who knows?
You know? But whatever
you thought was happening
is not gonna happen.
Well, at least not tonight.
Oh, thank goodness.
What's that, now?
Are you ready to order?
What's your soup?
Can we have a minute, please?
VICTORIA:
I mean, I love you,
but I am not ready to marry you.
What? When you first
spilled the beans, I got
so caught up in the excitement
and the idea of having a wedding
that I didn't really think
about what came after that.
So, what, y-you're saying
you're relieved
that you don't have to spend
the rest of your life with me?
Oh, here comes the spinout.
Hold on a second.
Let's say
I did ask you to marry me.
But you didn't.
But if I did.
Would you have said yes?
Carl, come on.
That's like asking, if a chicken
laid an egg in the forest,
would you hear it?
I guess it was a good thing
I didn't ruin your life
by offering to love and cherish
you till death do us part.
What are you getting
so mad about?
You didn't want
to marry me, either.
No, I did.
And then I didn't.
And then I thought
maybe someday.
Sounds to me like you don't know
what the hell you want.
What I want is for you to not
want me to want to marry you.
Is that so hard
to understand?
Can you believe this?
I was so close to planning
the perfect wedding.
Eh. Hey, maybe
we can renew our vows.
Ooh, how about
we do it in Vegas?
God, why do you people want
to ruin everything for me?
A little higher.
Are you kidding me?
I'm on the step that says,
"This is not a step."
(blowing party horn)
Congratulations!
Oh, no.
Take it down.
Take it all down.
She said no?
He didn't ask.
And then she said no.
I'm getting my stuff
and I'm getting out of here.
Go ahead. Be a baby.
Need help changing your diaper?
CARL: Oh, no.
Don't try and get sexy with me.
Well, on the bright side,
that's the last time
Carl tells me a secret.
(sighs)
I love you, Mike,
but you've got a big mouth.
Oh, this thing is nice.
Dual climate control.
Hey, you blast the heat,
I'll blast the cold,
see if we can't make it
rain in here.
I liked the way it was.
Well, you don't
really have a choice.
I mean, that thing
was destroyed.
Publicly.
In front of our very eyes.
Yeah, but maybe
we could've fixed it.
Look, I-I know you loved
how things were, but...
let-let's be honest.
It wasn't exactly perfect;
Very high-maintenance.
Yeah, but there was
a comfort level there.
You know, we knew each other.
Plus, I loved
that beautiful trunk.
Eh... in time, you'll forget
about the old one
and learn to love a new one.
Uh, maybe you'll love it
even more.
It does ride nice.
Very smooth.
Ah, see? There you go.
Focus on what's ahead of you.
That's right.
Only thing I see
in my rearview mirror
is a handsome, eligible man
who bowls in the 180s
and makes one heck of
a mock apple pie. (chuckles)
Exactly. Thanks, man.
You're a good friend.
Ah, glad I could help.
Mike?
Yeah.
(choking up):
I miss my old squad car.
All right. Okay.
All right. It's okay.
Breathe.
(sighs)