Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 20 - Fight to the Finish - full transcript

Boy, you're up early.

Oh, yeah, the ribs have
been acting fussy all night,

so I got up at 4:00 and
I swaddled them in foil,

and I've been checking their
temperature every couple hours,

make sure they're not running hot.

Oh, you're such a good daddy,

taking care of your little meat babies.

- (laughs)
- (laughs)

You nurture them the best you can,

and if they fall, you
hope it's off the bone.

I'm jealous that I'm not gonna
be able to join you and the guys



for your little brunch.

- Brunch? Men don't brunch.
- Oh.

We watch sports, and then eat
ourselves into a beef coma.

Oh. You want to hear about my exciting day?

I'm gonna lock myself in
a room with your mother

until we finish that book, or
until one of us ends up dead.

I'd like to say my money's on you,

- but I know my mom.
- (Molly scoffs)

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I still have ten minutes
before I have to leave.

I guess we can do it,
but I'd have to pee first.

I know. I'm talking about
just sitting and talking.

For the whole ten minutes?

Let's sit.



(sighs)

Your mother is dragging
out this writing process.

It's starting to feel
like it's never gonna end.

- She's just so incred...
- Difficult?

- Yeah, that, but...
- Crotchety?

- Yes, but more than...
- Awful?

Mike, can I finish my own sentence?

Your mother's being incredibly obstinate.

Does "obstinate" mean
difficult, crotchety and awful?

Yes, actually, it does.

I don't think you get

what it's like working with your mother.

You know, the first half hour,

it's just a gripe session
about the neighbors.

And then I got to sit there

while she checks the dog for tumors.

Then she checks herself.

And then she asks me to check her.

Welcome to the first 18 years of my life.

It's just so frustrating.

Oh, I mean, you signed on for this.

But you're almost done, so just suck it up.

"Suck it up"?

Well, you wanted my advice.

No, I didn't. I'm just talking to you.

Okay, but we talked. I gave a solution.

How much longer do we need to sit here?

Wow. I didn't realize talking
to your wife is such a chore.

No, it... it's just, you don't
need the whole ten minutes

to tell me what kind of hell you're in.

You had me at "working with my mother."

Okay, you know what? Don't worry about me.

Just go back to your little ribs.

Oh, come on, what are
you getting so mad about?

I listened to you whine about
my mom, and I'm the bad guy?

Oh, I'm whining? Is that what I'm doing?

I was gonna say something else,
but you hate that "B" word.

You know what? Some days, you
really suck at being a husband.

This is on you!

I told you we should have just had sex!

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love. ♪

(indistinct sportscast on TV)

Mmm!

Boy, you better put "cooking ribs"

on a list of things you have mastered.

Along with the seven-minute nap

and opening a beer bottle
with your eye socket.

Only twist tops, but thank you.

Doesn't get any better than this.

Eating pork and watching the play-offs

with three of my favorite people.

Plus the guy who made the Costco run.

That membership has got me
invites to many a shindig.

A gym membership might help, too.

I'm sorry. Does the gym
have one-dollar hot dogs?

What, you're not eating?

Ah, I kind of got a lot on my mind.

- Molly and I got in a fight.
- Mmm.

You know what's not a fight?

Getting the meat off this bone.

Tender as hell.

I still don't know what I did wrong.

She had a ten-minute problem
that I solved in three,

and now I'm a horrible husband.

Well, see, the key is not to get trapped

in that conversation in the first place.

Yeah, you gotta always give
yourself an escape route.

You know, pretend to fall asleep, hmm?

Take a phantom phone call.

My go-to... grab my stomach, say "Uh-oh,"

and high-tail it out of the room.

That works with mothers, too,

except mine will follow
you into the bathroom,

so you better have something
to back up that "Uh-oh."

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I mean, she... she won't pick up the phone,

she won't answer my texts.

I don't know how to fix this.

You know what you might want to try?

Keeping it to yourself
till the end of the game.

Yeah, I'm sorry, are we here

to talk about each other's
problems, or watch hockey?

Seriously, Mike, are you going

to watch this period, or have one?

All right...

(laughter)

Okay, so, right now, we see a young Peggy

breathing in the town of
Mudlick for the last time.

- She thinks she's free.
- Uh-huh.

Then I thought Troy could lean
over and roll up her window.

You know, to show he's
controlling, like her father.

- Cycle goes unbroken.
- Uh-huh.

Then a horde of zombies
emerges from the cornfields

and does the "Thriller" dance.

What do you think that is? Mole or tumor?

We're supposed to be writing.

How can I write when my
dog's dying in my arms?

Just give him to me! He...

It's a piece of caramel corn.

No wonder you were licking at it.

You're my little Cracker Jack, aren't you?

Can we please just focus?

We are so close to finishing.

I'm here. I'm working.

So, what do you think? The cycle continues?

(sighs) I think I need
to change my sweater.

Why? Is that one losing its mothball smell?

It's too flashy. I feel like a whore.

Do you like the rolling-up-
the-window idea or not?

No, but I like that
thing about the zombies.

Okay...

Don't worry. If we can't think

of anything better, we'll figure it out

as soon as I give Jim a bath. Come on, Jim.

(clicks tongue) Take a tub with Mommy.

Fine, but we have to finish this!

If you're not down here in ten minutes,

I am climbing in with you!

(men cheering)

I don't know what it is,
but there's something sexy

- about a room full of guys watching sports.
- Mm-hmm.

Makes sense. Ever since they
started sitting down to pee,

it's really the only manly thing they do.

Unbelievable!

What's wrong?

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, all right, we'll leave you alone.

I spent all night

sweating over a hot stove for those guys,

and they can't take five minutes

to listen to what's going on in my life?

Men. They can hear a pair of
high heels from two blocks away,

but tell 'em about Suzanne at work

who stole your haircut,
it's like they're deaf.

I think she was just insecure

'cause you slept with her boyfriend.

Okay, that was three years ago.

I also slept with Leanna's,

but she was mature enough
to just slash my tires, so...

Okay. So, what is it?

What makes Mongo mad?

Well, this morning, Molly
said I suck at being a husband.

- Mmm.
- Oh. You know how many times

- she's told me I suck at being a mother?
- A lot.

Molly was going on and on about my mom,

like... like she always does, right?

So, I thought I'd save us both some time

by offering a solution that
she was not ready to hear.

Mike, nobody wants to be told what to do.

As a strong woman, I want to be heard.

Even if you've told me the
same thing over and over again?

Especially if I've told
you over and over again.

When we talk to you, we don't
want to know what you think.

Uh-uh.

You're just a sounding board

so that we can look at our problem

from every different angle.

So, it's the journey
to get to the solution.

- Mm...
- Oh, who cares about the solution?

- See, you're doing it right now.
- Yeah.

- You're trying to figure things out.
- Mm-hmm.

Just listen.

That's the smartest thing
you didn't say all day.

(whirring) Peggy?

God!

Peggy!

Oh!

What are you doing?

You scared the hell out of me!

What are you doing?

I've been sitting downstairs
for an hour and a half.

How am I supposed to write with a wet head?

You wouldn't have a wet head

if you took a bath before I got over here.

I woke up late. I haven't
been sleeping well.

You know why? Because
you're always taking a nap

while we're supposed to be writing.

'Cause I haven't been
sleeping well at night.

How many times you want
to circle this drain?

- I just want to finish this book and be done with it.
- Oh.

That reminds me, I need
to take another look

at that barn fire in chapter five.

It seems a little obvious.

Maybe we should get that out of there.

What are you talking about?

I mean, that scene
affects everyone's lives.

We'd have to rewrite half the book.

Well, look who's afraid
of doing a little work.

All I do is work while
you balance your checkbook,

or change your sweater,

or have an anxiety attack
because you found some old key

and you don't know what lock it goes to.

A key without a lock
opens the devil's door.

Everyone knows that.

Nobody knows that.

'Cause you're a crazy old woman,

and you're turning me into one, too.

I see. I didn't realize working with me

was such a hardship for you.

Well, it is.

You know, I'm losing my hair,

and my gums are bleeding.

Working with you is literally killing me.

Fine. It'll be done by the end of the day.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I need to get changed.

If you feel like you
need to humiliate me more,

you're welcome to watch.

You see that? Huh?

That's blood,

and that's on you.

Mmm. I guess I should've just sat there,

let her talk and not said a word.

You'd think that.

But you'd be wrong.

We want you engaged.

Like... like a back-and-forth?

- Oh, no. No, no, no.
- Mm-mm.

Nodding is good. Maybe an arm squeeze.

You'd be amazed at all the
things you'd get squeezed

with an "aw, sweetie."

What the hell are you doing in here?

You're missing a great game. Plus,

the Zamboni ran over the mascot.

There were feathers all over the ice.

I'm just having a nice chat with the girls.

On purpose?

Yes, on purpose.

Knock yourself out.

JOYCE: Did you see that?

Not even a hello.

It's like we're invisible.

- One little pat on the shoulder,
- Mm-hmm.

he would have gotten some tonight.

Now if he wants to have sex,

he's gonna have to listen
to a 15-minute story

about me returning some boots.

- Poor, ignorant bastard.
- Mm-hmm.

(typing rapidly)

You... Would you like some tea?

No.

Boy, you've been typing
for two hours nonstop.

You probably want to take a break and...

I'm fine.

Uh... Oh! How about that fire
in the barn in chapter five?

You wanted to take a look at that.

Let it burn.

All right, listen, I am not
proud how I acted upstairs.

I got into a fight with Mike this morning,

and I brought it here.

And it had nothing to do with you.

I mean, tech... technically

it was about you, but...

really about Mike trying
to solve my problems.

I mean, not that you're my problem.

Wow, you really type fast.

The end. Finished.

Seriously?

I put in that rolling-up-the-window thing.

Oh, great. Yeah, I think...

I'm tired. I'm going upstairs.

Why? We just finished a book!

I mean, we should celebrate.

I know we don't have champagne,
but we should, you know,

do shots of cough syrup or something.

I bought us a bottle of champagne.

It's in the crisper.

Go ahead and take it with you.

No. Peggy...

You can see yourself out!

Oh, come on. Don't do th...

There go the gums.

- What'd I miss?
- Two periods, three fights

and a beer commercial that made Harry cry.

Those horses just love that puppy.

Where were you?

I was just having a nice
talk with the ladies.

On purpose?

Yes, on purpose.

But they had an appointment
they had to get to.

- So the ladies left?
- Yeah.

(passes gas)

Seriously?

Is it open season?
Because I have a rebuttal.

No! No. No more.

I want to enjoy my ribs.

I'm sorry.

What?

- Oh! Oh!
- You know what?

You guys disgust me.

Where's my jacket?

I think I'm sitting on it.

(groans)

Keep it!

Talk about hypocrisy.

I've seen that man make a coroner gag.

Th... Wait a second. That's my jacket!

MIKE: Oh, my God!

Oh, this is the greatest thing
that's ever happened to me.

Wait till you get to the paraffin wax.

I have no idea what the
hell that is, but I want it.

Oh, I hope you don't mind
me crashing your party,

but I just had to get out of there.

We get it.

Yeah, men can be such pigs.

Right?

You think I'll go back to
being like those animals?

There's a good chance you
won't even remember this.

Just enjoy the time we have left.

I got to say it was fun hanging
out with you girls today.

Anything else you can tell me

before I return to the Planet of the Apes?

Well, there's the classics:

uh, dirty socks in the hamper,

flowers for no reason...

And take it easy down there.

You're not a bear trying to
get honey from a tree stump.

I don't know what that means.

- Poor Molly.
- Mmm.

What are you still doing here?

Well...

I was gonna split this
bottle of champagne with you,

but then I started reading what you wrote,

and I got so into it, I ended up splitting

that bottle of champagne
with me. (Chuckles)

(chuckling)

You're soused.

Oh! "Soused."

That is such a good word.

You know so many good words.

You can't spell 'em for
crap, but you know them.

I didn't come down to be insulted.

I came down for my foot cream.

(groans) I hate your feet.

(snickering)

Excuse me?

They scare me.

I think, if witches had feet,

that they would look like your feet.

(chuckles)

Witches have feet.

See? That's why... that's
why we're such a good team.

'Cause I write stuff down

and you tell me who has feet.

We're not a team anymore.

Book's done, and so are we.

(singsongy): You're gonna miss me.

(chuckling)

What?

I meant I'm gonna miss the work.

That's not what you said.

What do you want me to say,

that I'm proud of what we've done?

That you made me realize
a dream I never knew I had?

That... I wish this wasn't gonna end?

You put your witch hoof away,

'cause I'm gonna hug you.

Thank you.

No. Thank you. You made me a better writer.

Yeah, I know.

(gasps)

I'm gonna go get us that cough syrup.

(chuckling)

(door opens)

Shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh.

What are you doing?

(whispering): I don't want to wake you up.

Well, I... I couldn't sleep

because I... I feel really
bad about this morning.

What? What happened this morning?

- Hmm?
- Our fight.

Oh, I had a lot of fights today.

You're gonna have to be more specific.

(chuckling)

Well, the fight where I
stupidly tried to give you advice

instead of listening.

But I promise you, it's the
last time it's gonna happen.

(gasps) Oh, my God.

Your nails look gorgeous.

- (chuckles)
- Mol... Molly.

I'm trying to apologize here.

- For what?
- For being a sucky husband.

(gasps)

Who called you that?

You did.

(giggling)

You know, you should really not...

listen to me so much.

That's the point.

I'm gonna start listening
to you more. Yeah.

Today...

I was with your mother and sister,

and they... they really
gave me some insight

on what it's like to try

to express your feelings

and your partner's not there for you.

Molly?

(snoring softly)

Oh, this is not over.

We're gonna talk about this in the morning.