Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 18 - No Kay Morale - full transcript

It's kind of weird to think
that everything we do now

is being recorded.

- Eh, it's probably best for everybody.
- Mm-hmm.

I am on the mayor's side on this one.

Keep that thing off of me.

Hey, ma.

Okay, okay.

Calm-calm down, okay?

Nobody is lurking in your bushes.

Mm, there are some sick people out there.

Dopers, junkies, hustlers.
I'm Officer McMillan, and...



This is my city.

Okay, look, we'll be right over.

Just put on some clothes and
stay away from the windows.

Well, h-how is being naked...

How-how is being naked
good for your eczema?

Just put a damn robe on!

You know, if we edit that
dash cam footage down,

get our demo reel into the right hands,

we could have our own TV show.

How about we play that
game where you don't talk?

Got you. Save my voice for on-air.

Wait a second.

I think somebody is by the window.

All right, sicko. Chicago P.D.



Let me see those hands and
come out from that hedge.

Why don't you come on in here

- and get me, big boy?
- Kay?

Mikey meatball!

What are you doing? Just mace the pervert

and get him out of here so I can go to bed!

It's not a pervert, ma.

It's Kay.

Kay!

What the hell are you doing out here?!

You didn't tell me you
were coming to visit.

I'm not coming to visit. I'm moving in.

Fantastic. The neighbors
already think I'm a lesbian.

Hmm.

Hey. Couple of old
lesbians living together,

that's your TV show.

Shut up and help me find the bags.

All right, hon, I'm gonna go.
I think you got this handled.

Oh, yeah. If there's one thing

my mom taught me, it's
how to sober people up.

And what to tell social
services if they call.

All right, I am ready to go.

- Are you wearing makeup?
- Just used a little instant cocoa

to bring down the shine on my forehead.

You're ridiculous.

See, you say ridiculous,
I say camera ready.

bye.

Isn't this great?

Kay coming to visit us.

She came to see me.

She puked in my hedge.

Let's not fight over her

because you will lose.

- Hey!
- Hey. There she is. Whew,

that was some bender.

The last thing I remember

was chugging a double Mai
Tai in the Rangoon airport.

Oh.

You probably got slipped a Mickey.

You're lucky you didn't
get taken as a sex slave.

That's why I don't travel.

You don't travel because
you hate foreigners.

I can have two reasons.

So, Rangoon... What is that like?

I'm picturing, you know, opium
dens and pickpocketing monkeys.

No, I never left the airport;
I just caught the first plane

out of Afghanistan.

Oh, my god, Afghanistan. Oh.

Oh, no.

It's no picnic.

Anyway, I'm done with all that.

- Done with what?
- Work, travel, everything.

I told Nat Geo

I've photographed my last lost tribe.

Let somebody else squat in a cave

and scrub their keister
with a handful of hot sand.

Listen, I get it.

You know, I go up to
the Indiana state fair,

and every year I say, never again.

oh. I mean, but you're Kay McKinnon.

I mean, traveling's in your blood.

Yeah, along with half a
dozen tropical diseases.

Exactly. You're riddled
with exotic viruses.

Do you know how cool that is?

Leave her alone.

She's lived her life.

Now she's come back so we
can grow old and die together.

Welcome home.

I'm just burned-out, honey.

It's the end of the road for me.

No, this is just a pit stop.
I'm surprised there's not guys

in Pennzoil jumpsuits buzzing around you.

Listen, it's enough, okay?

I'm done.

So let's just... Let's just drop it.

Okay. Sorry, Kay.

I like this new you.

And don't worry, when we
can't take care of ourselves,

we'll hire a Jamaican woman.

She'll feed us, bathe us, and
when we go really cuckoo's nest,

she'll smother us with a pillow.

I prefer pills, but it's your house.

This is gonna be a hoot.

So Kay just gave you all her equipment?

I think she's just going
through a little something,

so I'm just gonna hold on to these

until she comes to her senses.

You also gonna give back the
two million frequent flyer miles

- she gave you?
- She really wanted me to have those.

It's a bad sign when people start giving

their possessions away.

Had an uncle gave me his ham radio.

Next day, he was gone.

- Suicide?
- Prison.

He had taken the guts out of that radio

and filled it with a stolen Renoir.

Course, I didn't find that
out until he got paroled

and I told him I sold the radio.

Then he offed himself.

Just saying, check those
lenses before you pawn them.

So your big hero's slowing down, huh?

Guess your boozy mother isn't
looking so bad now, is she?

- What's that mean?
- Mom's just a little jealous.

She thinks you respect Kay more than her.

Well... yeah.

But I mean... I mean that...

I don't know how I mean that. I just...

I just don't understand
how somebody so vibrant

and full of life can just give it all up.

Well, you said Kay's
traveled around the world.

You know, crossing all those time zones,

who knows how old she is by now?

Oh, I'd love to see how
the wiring is up there.

Hey, make sure you wear
your shoe inserts tomorrow

'cause I signed us up for
crowd control at a rally.

Aw, you know I hate working those things.

It's hot, people are
screaming in your face.

I get it, you're here, you're queer.

I'm fine with it.

Yeah. But this one is actually
women demonstrating their rights

to bare their breasts and
feed their babies in public.

I'm fine with that, too.

- So, how's your mom's friend doing?
- Uh, she's pretty depressed.

Ooh, and she's staying at your mother's?

That's like trying to kick drugs
and moving into a crack house.

it's weird. It's like Kay's
suddenly given in to old age.

I always thought she'd live
a long and adventurous life

until the day she got t-boned by a rhino.

Oh, no, rhinos are sweethearts.

It's the hippos that will get you.

Oh, don't let that little
bird on their back fool you.

They are real jerks.

Yeah, well I for one refuse

to go gently into that good night.

Yeah, I'm going out like Jack Lalanne.

90 years old and still pulling
train cars with my teeth.

To be honest, I can't
wait to get old, you know?

Sitting around all day,
people bringing you food.

You get to sleep whenever you want.

You do that now.

- What do you want?
- I'm here to see Kay.

Now's not a good time.

We're in the middle of a
very intense Jigsaw puzzle.

So I can't come in? M-maybe I can help.

I don't think so.

She's on the borders, I'm on the inside.

Three on a puzzle's asking for trouble.

All right,

thanks for stopping by.

No, no! This is ridiculous. Come on.

I want to take Kay out.
You know, give her a...

A day out on the town, cheer her up.

She doesn't want that.

Maybe we should let Kay decide.

Boy, are you a sore loser.

She's mine now.

We're going to bingo,

catching the early bird at souplantation,

then back home to see what new suit

Steve Harvey's wearing on the feud.

All right.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

Kay, it's Molly! Hey!

Stay alive! I will find you!

B-14!
B-14!

I-19!

Peggy says you used to take pictures

- for magazines!
- I'm not deaf, honey.

I am!

I got the sister to bless our cards.

We got baby Jesus on our side.

Oh, this is where he's been hiding out

while the rest of the
world is going to hell.

To the owner of the older
mustard yellow impala,

your headlights are on.

Huh. That's me.

I don't remember turning those on.

Look at us, losing it together.

I guess we're closer to
that Jamaican pillow kiss

than we thought.

G-46. G-46.

Hey.

- Where the hell did you come from?
- The land of the living.

Let's get out of here.

Molly, I say this out of love:

Leave me the hell alone.

Aw. And I say this out of love:

- Get up! Get up! Get up!
- Oh, go away. Go away!

Go away. I'm not gonna stop.

- Go away!
- Ah! I knew you still had it in you.

Let's go!

You!

Free bingo cards! And they're all winners!

Get in!

Oh! Molly...

You can't have her yet, Peggy Biggs!

It's just a breast! Give it a rest!

It's just a breast! Give it a rest!

Uh, I got to admit,

I thought this would be more titillating.

No pun intended.

That's the third time you said it.

- I think the pun was intended.
- Okay, okay.

Just trying to keep you
abreast of the situation.

All right, get them all out.

I'm done. I just thought that
this crowd would be larger.

Turns out it's just an
itty-bitty committee.

Yeah, mom?

She did what?

Well, now, hold on,
kidnapping is a strong word.

What did Molly do exactly?

Okay, well, yeah, technically
that is kidnapping.

To give nutrition!

It's our mission to give nutrition!

Ma, I got to go.

Uh, th-things are starting
to get ugly down here.

No, no, no, I didn't mean you ladies.

You're beautiful.

Things are certainly perking up.

Shut up.

Okay, this wasn't exactly

the getaway I was planning.

But I did take Peggy's distributor cap,

so that slowed her down for a bit.

That's the cap to her wiper fluid.

Oh. Well, I don't know cars.

But... I'm sure she's caught
in the same traffic we are.

Oh, please, just take me back to Peggy's.

Why? So you can finish your Jigsaw puzzle?

Spoiler alert... It's a lighthouse.

- Why can't you just let me be?
- Because this isn't you.

Okay, you're one of the
best female photojournalists

of our time.

You have gone where nobody else would go,

and your photos made a difference.

- I didn't make a damn bit of difference.
- Yes, you did.

- And you did it with this camera.
- Aw, come on,

what are you doing with that?

I'm giving it back to you.

Because I do not think
that your work is finished.

Okay, you want to see my work?

Yeah,

I'm gonna show you something.

- You see that little girl?
- Yeah.

Well, I took her picture
in a little village

- outside of Jalalabad.
- She's beautiful.

She was very excited... It
was her first day at school.

She kept showing me her new notebook.

And the next day the Taliban came in.

The things I've seen.

I can't do it anymore.

'Cause no matter what,

people just keep doing
horrible things to each other.

I can't even begin to imagine

what you've been through, but I don't think

you should just... give it all up.

I mean, you can put her picture out there.

- Why don't you tell her story?
- Oh,

that's not gonna make any difference.

People are slaughtering each
other out there every day.

The world goes on.

But I can't. I just...

'Cause every time I close my eyes,

I see that little girl.

Help!

Can someone help us?

- Are you gonna come with me?
- I told you... I'm done.

This crowd's getting a little unwieldy.

Captain said the traffic's
backing up to the Eisenhower.

Yeah, after those tops came off,

half this crowd is creepy lookie-loos.

Really, man? Put the phone down.

They're just boobs, people. Move along.

- Nothing to see here.
- Yeah, sad thing is, you're right.

You stare at 'em long enough,

they just turn into pieces
of skin... mystery's gone.

Now I'm wondering what
they look like in a bra.

Come on, it's just up
here. My wife is in labor,

and our doula is somewhere in that rally.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I thought this was, like,

a hold the lug nuts while you
change the tire sort of situation.

Oh.

Oh, ho-ho.

Wow, you are...

Having a baby.

- I know.
- It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

She was supposed to have it in our bathtub.

Okay, okay, okay, all right, all right.

Uh, maybe-maybe the
cabbie can help us, huh?

Huh? Hi. You want to
come out here and help us?

Huh? Come on!

Really?

You could at least turn off the meter!

Hey-ho, let us show!
Hey-ho, let us show!

Hey-ho, let us show!

Sweetie, where are you?

What?! Okay, okay, I'm two blocks away.

Don't worry, I'll be right there.

- Is everything okay?
- Aw, Molly's gone from kidnapping

to delivering babies...
All hell's breaking loose.

My husband's on his way and he's a cop,

so he's gonna make it all better.

Until then, I think maybe
we... maybe we just breathe.

Breathe. Yeah, that's good. Just listen

to your body... it's gonna
tell you what you need,

and then when it tells
you, you can tell me and...

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Oh, it does feel better.

It really does feel better than breathing.

All right, I'm not sure
if should kind of go in,

or if I should just kind of
hang back and wait and catch.

I don't want you to go in.

I don't want to go in,
either, so that's good...

We're working together, and that's...

Okay, I know that feels better,

but it is also starting to freak me out!

- What do we got here?
- There's a baby comin'! Now!

Oh...

You're gonna be just fine.

- What's your name, honey?
- Freedom.

Well, we'll get into that name later.

Let's just get your baby out.

- I'd like that.
- Oh...

I know you're scared, but
I promise you can do this.

I don't know, I don't think I can.

I'm talking to her. What I need from you

is a blanket and a bottle of water.

- I got a sweater and a half bottle of Gatorade in my car.
- Perfect.

And grab my purse. I
got a Vicodin in there.

We can split it three ways.

Don't be nervous.

I've seen women give birth
in much worse conditions.

Really?
- You bet.

Mud huts, rain forests,

in the middle of a war zone.

Somehow, life always finds a way.

All right, I'm gonna need you

- to push when I tell you.
- Okay, here. Here.

I got it.

Oh... wow, that is a baby's head.

- That's a baby's head.
- You're almost there!

Yeah. Okay, honey.

All right, push.

Ooh. You got it...

Oh, that-a-girl, that-a-girl,

okay, give me one more push.

Oh... ah...

Oh, that's it, that's it.

Okay. Hey-hey, lot of skin.

Okay, good for you. All right. Right on.

All right.

Let's not have an incident.

Okay. Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, thank god.

I thought that was...

Hey, sweetie. Heh.

Oh, my god.

Nakutakia maisha mwema na fanaka.

♪ Nants ingonyama! ♪

May you have a good and prosperous life.

Yeah. Hakuna matata.

Good job, good job.

I knew you were still awesome!

Mike, I'm-I'm near a tree
and I'm wearing a shirt.

That should really narrow it down.

- Molly!
- Hey! Hey, over here!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hi.

- Hey, where's the pregnant lady?
- Oh, she's with the baby,

and they're doing fine.

- You delivered it?
- Well,

no, but, you know, I watched,
and I didn't throw up,

so that's something.

- I'm proud of you.
- Aw.

I got some great shots of these women.

I mean, they're so brave... they're just...

They're fighting for something
they really believe in, you know?

They're beautiful. You got to live life

- until it's ripped out of your arms.
- That's the spirit.

See? You may end up getting
t-boned by that rhino yet.

I don't get it.

Hey, Molly, hold this for me.

Huh? Okay.

You can watch change, or
you can be a part of it.

I'm going in.

Oh, god. Ha-ha!

- Hold this.
- Oh, no.

Kay, I will follow you anywhere!

We need some sunscreen!

I better hold on to these

for when I have to arrest them later.

Ok. Alright.