Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 17 - Mudlick or Bust - full transcript

Previously on Mike & Molly...

I remember when I was a little girl
working on my daddy's farm.

Oh, please don't
tell me a story...

Let me tell you a story.

I was a meek little thing,

scared of my own shadow
and the sheep I had to castrate.

That's where you learned it?

Just when I thought my life
couldn't possibly get any worse,

a city fella in a '56 Rambler
pulled up to the house

and asked for directions.

- Was that Mike's dad?
- Hell no.



This was a real man.

Wore a three-piece suit
with hard shoes

and smelled like a pine forest
after a spring rain.

That's very poetic, Peggy.

What he did to me wasn't poetic.

It was filthy.

And I loved it.

All right, wait, wait,
wait.

Got to write it down. Go.

MIKE: Look at you,
writing again.

Yeah, new story...
about a young girl

coming of age
on a hardscrabble farm

at the base of
the Mudlick mountains.

Mudlick? That-that's weird.



My mom grew up on a farm
in Mudlick.

Oh, no!

No.

Really?

Come on.

Is there anything about
these pages that you do like?

Hold on.

Nope!

Well, this is your life
you're crapping on.

I just wrote it down.

You got Mudlick all wrong.

The people, the geography.

How the heck did I get
from the barn dance to the car

to consummate
my forbidden love with Troy

when it was parked
up on McGrainey Hill?

You ran! Okay...

"Fueled by a burning lust

that would soon consume
both of them."

Now, that is a great line,
and I'm not cutting it.

Why did I spend all that time
drawing you a map of Mudlick

if you're not gonna use it?

Really? You want to
talk about the map?

Let's look at that map.

Oh, here we go.

"Home," "big tree," "crick."

Well, if you know where
two out of three of those are,

you can find your way anywhere.

It's called triangulationing.

This is not a map, Peggy.

This is a taunt
from a serial killer.

Okay, we have to go there.

What are you talking about?

Road trip, Peggy.

We're going to Mudlick.

I'm not going
back to that hellhole.

Your name can go first
on the title page.

Read your contract.

I got that months ago.

Seriously?

I got to stop using Vince
as a lawyer.

♪ La, la-Ba-Dee-da ♪

♪ La, la-Ba-Dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

I have to see
Mudlick for myself.

When Hemingway wrote about Paris,
he walked those streets.

It's what made it authentic.

Well, Mudlick is no Paris.

Although my mom said the mayor
used to wear a beret

to hide the dent in his skull.

I'm surprised you got her to go.

Well, it wasn't easy.

Oh, by the way,
you have to take her to church

for the next six months.

Which day?
She goes three times a week.

Aw, come on!

Well, hey, you got off easy.

I've got to hand-wash
all her bras before we leave.

Do 'em right or she'll make you
do 'em again.

You know, she still has
a sister down in Mudlick.

No, I didn't know that.

See, that's the kind of stuff
I'm hoping to dig into

when I drag her down there.
Ugh.

I'd rather wash her bras
for the next hundred years.

Although that-that's me.
I got a system.

Believe me, Mudlick is not my first
choice in vacation destinations.

But I think it's important
for the book.

Just keep in mind,
it's a long drive.

Don't let Mom drink milk
or she'll get carsick.

Or listen to music,
she'll get carsick.

And every 30 miles or so, you got
to stop and let her run around.

Or she'll get carsick?
Worse.

What's worse
than getting carsick?

Never mind.

Just remember, every 30 miles.

Watch your speed.
Watch your speed!

I am going the limit.

(gasps)

What?! What is it?

Did you not see that sign?

You're barreling
through a deer crossing.

There are no deer!

Oh, really?

I guess you know more than the Missouri
Department of Roads.

No, I just...

Okay.

I'm gonna look out for deer!

These woods are full of them.

They breed like immigrants.

Oh, my God.

Listen, Peggy, I know that you
are reluctant to go back home,

but I think it's gonna be
good for the book and for you.

What the hell's wrong with me?

Nothing! You're perfect!

(gasps)

What?!

I think I need to run around.

It's been 30 miles.

Ah, you and me both.

(gasping)

Carl, hurry up!
Tip-off's about to start.

Damn it, I love March Madness.

Lets guys like me pretend we got
something to do with college.

Yep, nothing I like better
than watching hoops

on a Saturday with
my boys, am I right?

Carl, you want
to go shoe shopping?

Sure thing, baby.

Nothing I like better than shoe
shopping on a Saturday with my lady.

Record that nonsense.
Help a brother out.

Poor sap.
Boy, do I remember those days,

being dragged around
by the old ball and chain.

Your wife's only been gone
five hours.

Why can't you just
be happy for me?

(phone ringing)

Ooh, I got to take this.

Hey, Philly.

What's the spread?

Okay, uh,
give me a half-dollar on Gonzaga

and I'll take the over
on the Kansas game,

and I'll call you later
to lay down a trixie

with UConn, Villanova
and Syracuse.

All right.

Wrong number.
(chuckles)

Look, I know it was your bookie.

What did all that mean?

You wearing a wire?

Just tell me.

All right.

A half dollar is 50 bucks,
which I put on Gonzaga.

Then I bet that the total points
in the Kansas game will be over 140.

And I have no idea
what the trixie is,

but if you win, it's,
like, a ton of money.

Man, I wish I would have bet
on my bracket last year.

I picked all the way down
to the Final Four.

I would've made bank.

Believe me, you don't
want to start betting.

You have
an addictive personality.

I can see it in your stomach.

Come on!

I'm a grown man.

I can do whatever I want,
until my wife gets back.

You really want
to go down this road?

Why not?

I know sports.

All I need is for you to walk me
through the betting process.

Okay, but if I do this,
remember,

you pay attention,
you do what I say,

and you never, ever tell
our wives how much we lose.

Or win.

You're a natural.

Oh, God!

Who the hell are you?!

Molly, T-Bone.

T-Bone, Molly.

Pleasure.

Why is he in our car?

He needed a ride.

To where? His killing grounds?

(scoffs)

I was a thumb jockey
myself back in the day.

That right?
Mm.

17-year-old girl
all alone on the highway.

I wasn't worried.

People were kind back then;
I think they still are.

Somebody's hair
smells delicious.

Okay, here's your stop, T-Bone.

Well, that was
the nickel tour of Mudlick.

Gotten used to the smell yet?

Well, I have to admit, there's a...
there's a certain funk.

Are you sure we didn't
step in something?

You stepped in Mudlick.

There's no scraping that off.

I told you this trip
was gonna be a waste of time.

No, no, no, don't give up yet.

I mean, what about this place?

Is this bringing
up any, you know,

good childhood memories?
Yeah.

Daddy didn't let us come here
because they served chop suey.

Horrible racist.

He wouldn't even eat off china.

Said the woman who won't
eat Swedish meatballs.

Well, sometimes,
when I was feeling down,

I used to sneak in here
by myself and order a malted.

Wow.

That is the first memory of Mudlick
that's actually pleasant.

The man who owned this place
lost both his legs to diabetes.

And we're back.

Welcome to Stumpy's.

Can I take your order?

Uh... my daddy's dead, so
I'll have the chop suey.

Uh, chef salad.

You know, my mother-in-law here
is originally from Mudlick.

Yeah? What part?

North of the tree.

Hmm.

La-Di-da.

Mudlick royalty.

Sounds to me like the whining
of a crick person.

All right, all right, ladies.

The crick waters the tree,
and the tree shades the crick, and...

What is she talking about?

They're five miles
away from each other.

Don't bother.
She can't read a map.

BOTH: Five, four,
three, two, one!

(buzzer blares) (both cheering)

(laughing)

Yeah!

Now I understand

how people lose their families
to gambling addictions.

This is so much fun.

First time out, you're a winner.

Pretty great, huh?

It's awesome!

Worst thing
that could've happened to you.

You'll be chasing
that the rest of your life.

Well, let's chase,
let's chase, let's chase!

(laughs) Okay, look.

The Duke game is next.

Put-put another bet in for me.

Not me, you; you're
placing the next one.

Time to take off
the training wheels.

No, no, no, it's too soon.

Listen, this is something you
need to learn for when I'm gone.

I'm not always gonna be
around to coddle you.

No, no, I'm not ready.
You'll be fine.

Just do like I taught you.

Hi.

How are you?

It's not a sex chat.

Place the damn bet.

Uh, yes, this is client 3464, and-and
I would like to place a bet.

Oh, look at you.

My little bird's
leaving the nest.

Yes, uh, I would like
Duke minus the six,

and, uh, what's the over-under
on the UConn game?

Keep going;
I'm gonna grab my camera.

You don't get moments
like these back.

Before we leave Mudlick, there's just
one more stop I want to make.

I told you you should've used
the can at the diner.

I did, and you could've
at least warned me

it was an actual can, but...

This stop is for you, Peggy.

Where the hell are we?

In that house is someone that
you have not seen in 50 years

who misses you very much.

What did you do?

I may have bribed
a certain crick waitress

to give me the phone number for
Rosemary Ritter, your sister,

and that's her house!

(giggles)

You talked to my sister?

Yes, I did, and she's waiting
right in there for you!

(chuckles)

Okay. Okay.

I guess this
had to happen sometime.

Go tell her I'm coming in.

I need a minute
to collect myself.

Sure, sure.

I'm proud of you.

Molly Flynn,
you've done it again.

(engine starts)

Hey!

Hey!

(sputters)

Son of a bitch!

(coughs)

(doorbell rings)

Can I help you?

Hey.

Hi. Molly Flynn.

We spoke on the phone earlier.

I hung up on you.

Yes, you did, and that's what told
me you were the right lady.

And I told you
I didn't want to see Peggy.

Well, then you'll be
very happy to know

she feels the exact same way
about you.

So she's not here?

No, she peeled out like a bat out of...
well, Mudlick.

Well, why didn't you
say so, honey?

Come on in!

Oh, it's always good
seeing family.

Oh!

I'm so sorry about all of this.

I don't know
what I thought would happen.

I don't mean to be judgmental,
but you don't seem to think too hard

before you jump into things.

Well, not when it comes
to healing family.

I got to admit, I never
thought I'd see the day

when Peggy would
come back to Mudlick.

I figured the next
time we'd meet,

there'd be six feet
of dirt between us

and one of us would be dancing.

What in the world happened
between you two?

You really get that nose
right up in there, don't you?

Well, yes, but respectfully.

Just-just tell me the story,
and I won't have any judgment

on what you might have
done to her.

What I did to her?

I'm sorry, but did she ever
mention a man named Troy to you?

Oh, yeah,
Troy that she ran away with.

Her first love.

Yeah, well, he might've
been her first love,

but she didn't love him first.

Troy was my fiancé till Peggy
stole him away from me.

What?
My little sister

took my lover, my friend,

my everything.

Oh, my God.

We have an ending for our book!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

For a crick person, you sure
know how to mix a malted.

Enjoy the surprise
at the bottom.

There she is.

Rosie?

You slut! I'll kill you!

Hey! Hey!

(groaning)

Ladies! Ladies!

A little decorum!

You are better than this.

Oh! Oh!

Defense, defense, lock them out!

Come on, you gangly bastards.

I made you boys sandwiches.

Get out, you jinx!

Well, if you want them later,
they'll be in the garbage.

(buzzer blares)

Ah, damn it!
How did he miss that shot?!

I blame Joyce!

Her juju was still in the room!

Well, you won't see my juju,
my ta-tas or my boom-boom

for quite a while.

Okay, okay, it's for the best.

You got a taste of losing.

It's not how you handle the win,
it's how you handle the loss.

Actually, it's not that bad.

I chickened out on that $50 bet

and told Philly
to just make it a dime.

You what now?

A dime, ten bucks.

A dime's a grand,
you big cement head!

What?!

You just lost $1,000!

1,000 bucks?

Why did they come up
with these stupid code words?

Because it's illegal!

I leave the room for eight seconds,
and you screw the pooch.

Hey, I told you I wasn't ready.

That's why I said only bet 50.

And a dime is ten.

In what world is a dime not ten?

In a world where a guy breaks
your thumbs when you can't pay it back!

Enough! Okay!

We've got the anger out.

That's good.

That's healthy.

Now let's... let's let
the healing begin.

You gonna say something?

You look old.

You have a man's haircut.

Okay.

Okay.

That's good, we're talking.

Okay, let's take it
to the table.

None of this was my idea.

I would've been fine if
I never saw this place again.

Where do you get off acting like you
were the one who was wronged?

What happened happened.

MOLLY: Okay.

It's clear that you two
need to talk,

so I'm-I'm just gonna go
over here, out of your way,

just quietly taking notes
on the book.

What's there to talk about?

She stole my fiancé.

I didn't steal him;
he came to me.

And you didn't send him away.

He told me he loved me.

If you recall, growing up
we didn't hear that a lot.

I used to say it to you.

I remember.

Why didn't you ever call me?

Oh, why do you think?

I was wracked with guilt.

I was so stupid.

You were 16.

And stupid.

"And stupid."

If it helps, I couldn't be happier
the way my life turned out.

I found a good husband
who gave me six wonderful kids

and loved me
till the day he died.

That makes me so happy.

If it makes you feel any better,
Troy left me soon after we took off.

I married a philandering husband
who left me for an actual whore.

"Actual whore."

That doesn't make me feel
any better.

You and I were always different.

Let's not forget
who made this possible.

Tree people.

(basketball game playing on TV)

You watching
the North Carolina game?

Yeah.

The spread's six points.

I don't care.

I just want to enjoy the game.

You can still do
that without money on it?

Yes, you can.

You pick a team, you root for that team,
and you hope that team wins.

You just made March
boring again.

Listen, I'm sorry
I yelled at you earlier.

Ah, I messed up; I deserved it.

No, this is not on you.

I gave you half the information

and then laid into you
when you screwed up.

Just like my old man
used to do to me.

At least your old man
was around.

So, uh... you think I could
place another bet sometime?

Depends.

I want double or nothing
on this Carolina game.

Double or nothing?

That's a lot of dough.

It's only money.

It's a close game.

You-you seem awful calm
about it.

Eh, what are you gonna do?

Sometimes you just got to sit
back and leave it to the fates.

Hey, hon, you want...

Got out of here, you jinx!

You're the kiss of death!

They're looking good.