Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 16 - Cocktails and Calamine - full transcript

Previously on Mike & Molly...

I remember when I was a little
girl working on my daddy's farm.

Oh, please don't tell me
a story.

Let me tell you a story.

I was a meek little thing,

scared of my own shadow
and the sheep I had to castrate.

That's where you learned it?

I had to pump my own water,
make my own clothes,

and if the crop didn't get in,
well, we all went hungry.

Just when I thought my life

couldn't possibly get any worse,



a city fella in a '56 Rambler

pulled up to the house
and asked for directions.

Was that Mike's dad?

Hell no.
This was a real man.

Wore a three-piece suit
with hard shoes

and smelled like a pine forest
after a spring rain.

That's very poetic, Peggy.

What he did to me wasn't poetic.

It was filthy.

And I loved it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Got to write it down. Go.

MIKE:
Look at you, writing again.

Yeah, a new story about
a young girl coming of age

on a hardscrabble farm at the
base of the Mudlick Mountains.



Mudlick? Th-That's weird.

My mom grew up on a farm
in Mudlick.

Aw, no!

You know, we could write
about my playmates growing up.

My best friend was a chicken.

Named him George Hamilton

on account
of he was just as handsome

and just as brown.

Sure.

You know, a flightless bird

is a wonderful pet for a child.

That is unless your father
has a mean streak

and a taste for cacciatore.

What do you think of this dress?

Oh, for God's sake.

Can you not think about
that party for ten minutes?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you get invited

to big literary parties
every day? 'Cause I don't.

Ah, who knows?
I don't get much mail

since I accused the postman
of stealing the perfume cards

out of my magazines.

Where are you going?

To try on this dress. We've done
enough work for the day.

We haven't done a thing!

Well, speak for yourself.
I found a dress.

(buzzing)

Keep buzzing, you bastards.

Your reign of terror
is about to end.

Don't tip 'em off.
Just smile and wave.

Hello, wasps!
Just looking for the mail!

All right,

we got one chance
to torch their nest.

You got to make sure
you keep that match lit.

Hey, I got my end.

You just worry about aiming
that Aqua Net.

Are you sure you don't want
to call somebody?

Or at least wait
for a third stooge?

Nonsense. We got it.

Besides, Carl was busy.

(buzzing) (grunting, shouting)

That's it.
I can't take it anymore.

Just give 'em the porch.

No. It ends today.

You sting my bald head,
I burn down your house.

It's the Chicago way.

Wait a minute. Is that your
dress for the big party?

Yeah, it is.
It's a little...

a little flashy
for cocktail casual,

but I thought, hey,
you only come up once,

so they're gonna see
this up-and-comer coming.

What-what party?

Oh, it's nothing.
It's just a stuffy get-together

with a bunch
of long-winded intellectuals.

Ugh.
Exactly.

I knew you'd hate it, and that's
why you don't have to go.

Oh, no, I'm coming.

No, Mike, seriously, you are...

you are off the hook.

Sweetie, I've been
married too long

to fall for that one, all right?

That's the old
"I don't need a birthday gift,"

"Be honest about my haircut,"

"Just tell me if you watch porn.
I don't care." Nah.

No, sir. I will be at that party

so you can show me off
to all your highbrow friends.

Yeah. The-the thing is you
really don't need to do it...

Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
I am going, and that is that.

You ready to do this?

I was born ready.

Joyce, get the door.

Go! Go! Go!

(buzzing)

VINCE: Oop! My match went out!

MIKE: Well, light another one!
My can's almost empty!

VINCE: Too late! It was a setup!

They knew we were coming!
Aah!

God, they're all over me!

Should we do something?

You're right.
I'll get the camera.

♪ La, la-Ba-Dee-da ♪

♪ La, la-Ba-Dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

Hey.
How's your patient?

Well, for a guy
who swallowed three hornets,

he's doing pretty good.

Vince is a mess, too.

I mean, we still
made love, but...

oh, he was in a lot of pain.

Really? Do we need to know that?

You asked.

Nobody asked.

Is Mike still gonna be able
to go to your party? No.

He says he is, but I'm gonna
encourage him to stay home.

So he can rest?

Sure.

You don't want him to go.

W... I didn't say that.

Well, what are you saying?

I'm saying that there's gonna be

a bunch of stuffy,
overeducated intellectuals there

and he's not gonna have anything
in common with them.

Because he's dumb?

No.

Because you're afraid
he'll say something dumb.

No.

What?

Seems very familiar,

you not wanting your "family"

to go to your events.

Why-why did you air-quote
"family"?

I'm sorry.
Did I "embarrass" you?

No. Because I don't know
what you're "doing."

She's just pointing out
that you have a history

of hiding us bumpkins
in the attic

when it's time
to meet the public.

That is not true.

Oh, please.

The last parent-teacher
conference I even heard about

was fifth grade.

That's because
you would never wear underwear.

You'd sit in those little desks,
showing it to the world.

You got straight A's,
didn't you?

Because I studied.

We'll never know.

Boy, those wasps really
got me good, huh?

Well, at least I'll have a fun
story to tell at your party.

Oh, maybe you shouldn't
tell that one.

Why not?

Mike, you got your ass kicked
by a bunch of wasps.

I know. That's why it's funny.

Besides, you know,
you get beat fair and square,

you got to tip your hat
to the victor.

Yeah, but are they laughing
with you or...

Hey, laughing's laughing.
And they're gonna love the part

where I Aqua Netted
Vince's eyelashes shut.

(laughs)

I wish I could've seen that.

Yeah, so does Vince.

(both laugh)

Oh, yeah...

You know what? I-I don't think
this is gonna be the...

the kind of party where people
are telling stories and...

I thought it was a party for
up-and-coming storytellers.

It is, it is.

But, you know, that's their job.

They're off the clock.
Let's give 'em the night off.

Well, I gotta talk
about something. Do you?

What?
What?

No,

I'm-I'm just saying,

these people are
so full of themselves,

they're gonna do
most of the talking.

You just have to sit there

and listen and just pretend
to be interested. That's it.

It's easy. I do it
with her all the time.

Ma.

No, she's-she's not wrong.

A little mean,

but not wrong.

You know,

these people just...

they're always trying
to one-up you.

It's not a conversation.
It's a competition.

I got you.

It's like when Carl starts
talking about R & B music.

You know what I do?

I rub my nose,
hinting that he has a booger.

Then that's all
he can think about.

Yeah, and then instead of
going on and on

about Marvin Gaye's dad,
he's running for a napkin.

Yeah, I... I don't know

that these are
the types of people

that you're gonna throw off
with a phantom booger.

You know?

They'll just assume
you have one.

Which you kind of do,
by the way.

Nah, that's just a big hair.

I'll yank it in the parking
lot when we get there.

Oh!

Thanks, Ma.

(quiet conversations)

Oh.

Uh, no railing.

Very... very chic.

There's no way this meets code.

Ma, hold my arm.
I'm fine.

Not for you; for me.

This place is beautiful.

You think they got
the game on somewhere?

Mike, these kinds of people
don't watch television.

If they ask, neither do we.

How about a fish tank?

Anything to look at?

Well, this has been fun.

Ready to go?
No.

We gotta stick around until
the new author announcements.

That's the whole reason we came.

Fine. I got to get
a few drinks in me

if they're gonna
parade me up and down

like a shih tzu at a dog show.

I think that statue just moved.

That's because
it's a real person.

No! Are you serious?

Mike, leave him alone.

Remember the robot cowboy
in the park?

You kept blowing in his ear...
he didn't like it.

Well, if you can't
stay in character,

don't paint yourself silver.

Oh, my God, I think
that's Jean Thompson.

She wrote The Year We Left Home.

Well, this will be the year
that I don't read that.

She's coming this way.

Maybe you should go
find your mother.

All right, fine,
but I'll come back

and rescue you if
she's as boring...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine,
fine, fine.

All right.

(chuckles)

(exhales sharply)

You're good.

Not so fast.
What have we got here?

Baked crab on wontons.

Mmm. (chuckles)

(loud crunch)

(gags)

Why didn't you tell me
it was real crab?

Oh, what do we have here?

Real crab.
All right, keep it moving.

So this is your new crowd,
huh, Ma?

You kidding? I'm only
here because I have to.

I got nothing in common
with these poseurs,

kissing each other's asses.

Wait a minute.

I think that's the lady

who wrote Crock-Pot
Confidential.

Oh, is that where you got
that tamale casserole recipe?

Yep, yep, yep.
Bye, bye, bye.

See, I didn't find the piece
so much about desolation

as loneliness.
Mm-hmm.

(crunches) I...

I mean, what I...
what I was saying is that, uh,

underneath it all,
it's really just a-a sobering

account of the human condition.

What is?

We were just discussing

her powerful short story.

Oh, I love short stories!

Better yet...
a minute mystery.

Any of you guys ever
write one of those?

I mean, I know I'm a cop,

but I'm always surprised
by who did it.

Ah, you are such a stitch!

(both chuckle)

Is this your husband?

(quietly): Mm-hmm.

Hey! Mike Biggs.

Nice to meet you.
By the way, if you guys

like mini-hamburgers,
highly recommended.

Kind of in the middle
of a conversation.

Well, if you eat
one of these babies,

that's all you're
gonna be talking about.

Anyway, uh, as I was saying,

I-I really, um... uh...

it... I think sometimes...
(groans, laughs)

Now I don't remember
what I was talking about.

We're talking
about these burgers.

No, you were talking
about the burgers.

We were talking about her...

powerful and moving short story.

MIKE: Hey, I got a story.

Any of you guys
ever go toe-to-toe

with a porch full of wasps, huh?

You ought to see my back, man.

It's like a strip
of bubble wrap.

Goes all the way to here.

Mike! Stop it!

Don't be stupid.

I mean...

I mean silly.

Yeah, I know what you meant.

Mike.

Excuse me.

You were saying about my story?

I don't know.
I didn't read it.

Here.

What's this?
It's the valet ticket.

You and Molly take the car.

I'm heading out.

Oh! There you are.

Yeah, I'm just leaving.

Oh, come on.
Look.

You don't want me here.

I've already
embarrassed you enough.

Just enjoy your party.

But we're good, right?

He'll be fine.

By the way,
don't bother poking her ass.

She's real.

Yeah, and it was
a real snobby party, too.

Real crab, fake people.

I prefer it
the other way around.

And Molly was putting
on airs like...

like she was buying
into the whole thing.

If it was just us, she would've
been making fun of it, too.

See, I just can't believe
she called you stupid.

Bossy.

Blowhard.

Cheap.
Moody.

But not stupid, okay?

Molly's got to understand
that words hurt.

Thanks. You guys are
really cheering me up.

And sarcastic!
That's another one that you are.

Just giving you a heads-up.

I might be writing
a book on cabbage

with that Crock-Pot lady.

I'll honor our deal first.

I just wanted to put it
out in the open.

Okay, for the record,
I did not say he was stupid.

I was saying don't be stupid.

Big difference.

One is being mean,

and the other is keeping him
from being stupid.

So, it was him
you were worried about?

Yes.

What a good wife you are.

I'm sorry, but those people
out there are judging us

on every word we say
and every move we make.

What do you care
what they think?

Because this is part of the
world we live in now, Peggy...

Chicago's literary elite...
and if we want to be successful,

we better play the game.

You play, I'll watch.

Fine!

This is a party
for up-and-comers?

Well, here I come.

Molly?

What?

Go get 'em.

Thank you.

All right,
this is the final question

of the round, gentlemen.

This deadly Twin is
their all-time home run leader.

Harmon Killebrew...
573 home runs.

(dings)

(both grunt)

That is correct!

See? That big head isn't
just for big hats.

(laughs)

Yeah, I might not know
about books or art,

but I can name
every Cub since 1954.

I can also rebuild
any American-made car.

And I can quote
practically every line

Al Pacino has ever said on film.

What about Serpico?

"I'm a marked man
in this department."

(all laugh)

I've never seen it,
but I'm sure that's right.

Yeah!

Hey.

Hey!
Hey!

Hey!

Hello.

Can we talk?

Go ahead, but just so you
know, we're in the middle

of a pretty heated trivia game,
and-and believe it or not,

I'm the brains of the group.

Well, it doesn't surprise me.

It shocked the hell out of us.

You didn't think I was
too smart at that party.

Oh, I wasn't too sure
of anything at that party.

And after you left, it took
a pretty humiliating turn.

And that's before I fell
off the stairs on the way out.

At least the stairs
didn't call you stupid.

No, but the statue did
when I knocked him over.

Those guys have no
sense of humor.

I'm sorry!
I-I was an idiot.

And I just got nervous and
intimidated with those people.

And I put it all on you.

I get it.

You forgive me?
On one condition.

Anything.

Can you join our trivia team?

We're getting
our asses handed to us!

Like I said...
I'm the smart one of the group.

Hey, that's because
my category has not come up yet.

Okay, uh, my area
of expertise is music.

Specifically R & B.

Did you know
that Marvin Gaye's father

was an ordained minister
but never loved his son?

Hmm? And you know...

"Sit... Sittin' on..."

"Sittin' on...
Sitti'' on the Dock of the...

the Dock..." Excuse me.

Hey, that works like a charm.

Every time.

(mutters quietly)

Nah, I'm just kidding.

Oh!
(laughs)

Another party.

Are you sure you want
me to go to this one?

I am big. I am oafy.

I like mini-hamburgers.

And I like talking
about them even more.

You can't embarrass me.

I don't care
what those people think.

Well, you should know
I'm planning on uncorking

some new jokes
that I heard at work,

and the ones
that aren't toilet-based...

real dirty.

Mike, you're going
to this party.

Damn it. It was a lot easier
to get out of these things

when you were ashamed of me.

Look, I know this party
is gonna be horrible,

but I wouldn't want to share
my misery with anybody but you.

That's sweet.

Oh, by the way, save Saturday
night for Carl's birthday.

We're gonna watch
all three Godfathers.

I'm gonna karaoke all
of Al Pacino's lines.

You don't have to go tonight.

Hoo-ha!

Stupid like a fox!