Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 15 - Pie Fight - full transcript

50 pounds down.

It's been ten years since I've
been able to slip into these.

I'm so proud of you. Maybe-maybe
hop a little. Okay, okay.

I'll hop, you pull. Ready?
Yeah, yeah.

(grunting)

Yeah!

There he is.
Hello, sexy.

Hold on. We're not
out of the woods yet.

I still got to zip.
Ooh, ooh!

Lay on the bed.
I'll grab some pliers.

Wait.



Yeah!

(imitating Rocky):
Ain't gonna be no rematch.

Ain't gonna be no rematch!

Oh. I bought these a decade ago

after a both-ends stomach flu.

It nearly killed me,
but I never looked better.

Until now.

You know, it's not everybody
that can wear their flu pants.

And you did it the hard way.
Yep.

Diet and exercise.
I did more of the things I hate

and ate less of the things
I love.

Well, let's go show you off.
Where to first?

I don't know. Maybe try walking
down the stairs. Go from there.

Great.



Ooh! Right behind you.

If my ass wasn't numb, I would
have really enjoyed that.

♪ La, la-Ba-Dee-da ♪

♪ La, la-Ba-Dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

I never thought I'd see the day.

Mike Biggs outrunning
and apprehending a crook.

It's not my first
foot pursuit, Carl.

Yeah, but it's the first time
that you didn't quit

after half a block and throw
your nightstick at the guy.

I'll admit, two blocks in,
I was ready to quit.

But when I realized he wasn't
gonna drop that 50-inch plasma,

I knew I had him.

Welcome to Abe's,
home of the hot beef.

Can I interest you gentlemen
in some mozzarella sticks

while you decide on your order?

Why do you sound like a waiter?

I'm not just a waiter, I am
a part-owner of this restaurant,

which means providing you
with a quality dining experience

while turning you upside down

and shaking every penny
from your pocket.

Metaphorically, in your case.

So, your mozzarella sticks.

Ranch or marinara?

Not so quick.

How come I can't have both?

You sly fox. Two it is.

What are you doing? Can't you
see you're being manipulated?

Make sure to save room for
our delicious apple pie.

Ooh, now, that sounds tempting.

Seriously? I thought
you declared your mouth

a no-pie zone.

Aw, one cheat in six months
isn't gonna kill me.

It's not like I'm having
ice cream on it.

For only a dollar more, you can.

Deal.

That can't be right.

Damn it! One piece of pie
can't weigh five pounds!

You ruin everything!

Oh, that smells so good.

Yeah, egg white scramble.
Pretty amazing.

Just with a little, you know,
grilled onion, spinach,

tomato, mushroom, salt, pepper,

garlic, bay seasoning, you know,

you can really make it taste
like something.

You still got the yolks?
When we get back from the walk,

I might make
a nice breakfast custard.

You'll do no such thing.

You're gonna start eating right,
like Mikey's been doing.

Can't argue with the results.
Look at this guy.

I can just about Heimlich you.

Get off.
What?

I'm impressed.

You went from a cautionary tale
to a role model.

He sure did.
He's my biggest loser.

Look, uh, I realize I still
have a ways to go, okay?

What, are you kiddin' me?

You finally got a handle
on things.

When I first met you,
I thought, "Holy moly,

it's like a weather balloon
wearing shoes."

Mom, go walk him. Please.

What'd I say?

Let's go, boy.

Why can't people take
compliments in this house?

Here you go.

Uh, no, thanks, honey.

I-I think I'm gonna skip
breakfast this morning.

Oh, come on.
Don't listen to Vince.

If he's not saying
something dumb,

he's saying something stupid.

No, it's not him.

I just don't feel
like eating, okay?

Fine.

You don't know
what you're missing.

(hesitantly): Mmm...

You really don't.

(chuckles)

WOMAN: Number 36.

(sighs) Number 37.

Have you seen those screaming
goats on the Internet? Yeah.

(mimics screaming goat)

Sound like a damn human being.

(mimics screaming goat)

Really unsettling.

I don't mean
to get philosophical,

but it goes against God.

(mimics screaming goat)
I got it. I got it.

You know what,
you are in a mood, man.

You should have
just ordered something.

I did. Green tea with lemon.

Y-You skipped breakfast
this morning,

y-you're skipping lunch now...
man, that's not healthy.

You know what's not healthy?

A body that turns
nine ounces of pie

into five pounds
of fat overnight.

WOMAN: Number 42!

Right here.

You had to have lunch
in Chinatown, didn't you?

It smells so good
I could go Godzilla

on the whole neighborhood.

No, he's actually Japanese.
But I'm gonna let that go

'cause I like the imagery.

Oh.
(inhales deeply)

Four dollars for all of this.

I mean, even if the chicken is
pigeon, you can't beat that price.

Sure you don't want any?

What do you think?
Of course I do.

Well, man, grab some chopsticks.

Carl, I am trying
so hard to stay on track.

Can you just support
me in this, please?

What are you worried about?
You're doing great.

I am so sick of people saying
that... I am not doing great.

I'm barely holding on.

If I let my guard down,
50 pounds will come back

just like that.
Mm-mm.

Mm-mm. Not while
I'm watching your back.

The key is not putting yourself
in the position

where you can be tempted.

Mm... hold this
while I get my soy sauce.

WOMAN: Number 44!

Man, these things
are persnickety.

Whew. Look at this.

I am moo goo gai full.

I don't want to hear it.

You'll burn off half
that walking to the toilet

to crap out what hasn't
already turned to muscle.

If nothing else, I am regular.

I could sew my lips shut

and still never have a body
like yours.

Yeah, well, I'll never have
your beautiful blue eyes

and a full head of hair...
everybody's different, Mike.

Yeah, well,
I drew the fat straw.

(chuckles) You sure
you drew just one?

Back off, Seely.
I'm not in the mood.

All right. Take it easy.

For your information,
my man lost 50 pounds.

Hey! That's great, Biggs!

I thought you went down
a cup size.

Whoa, take... I'm just
playing with you.

Just playing.
You look great.

In fact, if this were the fair,
I'd give you a blue ribbon.

What is it you need?

Don't listen to him.
He's not worth it.

Just go home.

I got to get changed first.

Yeah, I'm fine, Carl.

All right.

You just keep your mouth shut.

Well, tell that to your partner.

'Cause I think
that's his problem.

Now, now who has a problem?

You do, man!

He had it coming.

I'm not talking to you.

What the hell were you thinking?

You heard the guy.
What was I supposed to do?

What half the precinct
does: ignore that fool

and then sleep with his wife.

I'm sorry. Seely deserved
to get his butt kicked.

Yeah, well, congratulations.

Your heroics earned you a date
with the police psychologist

and a three-day suspension.
I thought I'd get at least

two weeks... boy, even
the captain hates that jackass.

Is this the new Mike Biggs? Hmm?

Starves himself and then
when somebody annoys him,

comes out swinging?

I was just a little cranky.

Because you didn't eat.

Like an idiot.

And I still haven't eaten yet.

Oh, so you're
threatening me now?

You know I would never hit you.

Oh, you wouldn't hit me?

(mimics screaming goat)
How 'bout now?

(mimics screaming goat)
What about now?

(mimics screaming goat)

Knock it off!

Man, just have a hard-boiled
egg or something.

I want my Mike back.

There you are.

Hey.

You're late.
I was getting worried.

Yeah...

Everything okay?

Uh...

I have something to tell you.

Okay...

I have tomorrow off!

Really? What's the occasion?

Oh, no occasion.

It was actually
the captain's idea.

So he's just handing
out days off now?

Guess he was in a good mood.

He said take tomorrow off
and the next day and...

Three days, tops.

Mike, I know what's
really going on.

You do?
Ugh. Budget cuts.

They used to do that to us
when I was still teaching.

Suggested furloughs.

Nothing gets by you.

You know, boy,
that really chaps my cheeks.

You know, how about instead of
cutting back on the police,

you call up some of
the mayor's cronies

and tell them to take
a couple of days off.

What are you gonna do? You can't
fight city hall. Well, watch me.

Wait, wait, what are you doing?

Well, I'm standing up
for my husband

in a very nasty
e-mail to the mayor's office.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
please don't do that. Mike...

you're too nice.

You let people
walk all over you.

Sometimes you got to fight back.

Yeah.

Morning.
Morning.

Have you seen Mike?

He already left.

Said he had some errands to run.

Really? I thought for sure
he was gonna sleep in.

Must want to make the most
out of his day off.

Day off?

I like that.
Puts a positive spin

on such a difficult situation.

What's that?
You know.

You don't know.

Never mind.

Let's do this again.

Morning!

Nuh-uh.

You're supposed
to say "morning."

No. What is going on?

I thought I was saying something
Carl told me that you knew,

but now I know you don't know,

so I shouldn't say.

You know?

Victoria...
Hmm...

I probably already know
what you think I don't know,

so you should probably
just let me know.

You know?

So you heard about Mike punching

that other officer
and then getting suspended?

What?!
You told me that you knew.

All right, tell me everything.

Carl is gonna kill me.

Well, you should've thought
of that before you started

saying "morning," you know?

I'm looking for Dr. Jeffries.

I have an 11:00.

You found the right place.
Come on in.

Okay.

Should I sit here?

It's either there or on my lap.

How does this work?

Well, we start out
by finding your file.

(wry chuckle)

Heroin problem...?!

Uh, no, no... punched a cop. Oh,

right, right, right, right.

Uh, here we go.
(chuckles)

Biggs, not Briggs.

Briggs has a heroin problem?

That's confidential.

And please don't
tell anybody I told you.

I see here you...
you hit a fellow officer.

Yeah, and I know
I shouldn't have done it,

but in my defense, this guy... Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Let me stop you right here.

We're on the same side here.

And in the same union, huh?

This is how it works.

You're not gonna
do this again, are you?

No, sir.
Great.

That's it?

No, no, no, no, no.

Technically, you have
to sit here for an hour.

Do we have to talk?

That's up to you.
You want to talk?

No.
There you go.

I mean, since
we're not gonna talk,

do you mind
if I update your file?

No, go ahead.

Uh, just remember,
it's-it's, uh, Biggs,

not-not Briggs.

You really got to keep
that under your hat, okay?

Boy, I was so nervous about
coming here. (chuckles)

Is that your wife?

Yep.
Very pretty.

I'm married, too.

Great girl.

Be glad she's not here.

Boy, she's a talker.

They all are.

You know what
the funny thing is?

I-I don't know why I didn't
tell her about all this.

I guess I was just
embarrassed, you know?

She's... She's been
so proud of me lately.

And I don't know if it says
it in my file,

but I've lost over 50 pounds.

That is, until I slipped up
and had that one cheat day.

Is that right?

Why do I always go to food
for my reward?

I hate to say it, but...

it's usually the mother,
isn't it?

Not always.

But I know I hate mine.

I remember I was 16 when
Dad left us high and dry.

I was devastated.

How did Mom make it better?

With a pork tenderloin sandwich
from Lucky's.

Yeah, the patty's
bigger than the bun.

That man was my hero.

Lucky?

No, my father.

I mean,
who leaves their son at 16?

Right when a boy needs
the most help becoming a man.

You know,
I was always a big kid,

but, boy, when he left,
I just...

I really ballooned.

You know, I have
a lunch after this.

But I could cancel it if you
want to explore this further.

Explore what?
I'm just sitting here.

So, how was your day off?

I didn't have the day off.

Don't lie to me, Mike, I know
you didn't have the day off.

That's what I just said.
We need to talk.

Not until we talk...
wait a minute, what?

All right, now you're m...
you're messing me up here.

Sit.

(sighs)

Molly...

I am barely holding on here.

Honey, what's going on with you?

When does it stop?

What?

This!

When do I have to stop
worrying about

every single thing
I put in my mouth?

I don't know.

It's not fair.

No. It's not.

I-I feel like the world
looks at me

like this fat, lazy guy,
when actually,

I am working so hard.

Hey, I know how hard
you're working.

And you know it, too.

And-And that's all
that really matters.

And most days,
I'm good with that.

But some days...

ah, it just gets to me.

I know.

Still doesn't mean you can
go around punching people.

Not people. Seely.
(chuckles): Okay.

Listen...

you and I are doing really well.

And I want you to
be happy about that.

I'm trying to be.
Well...

try harder.

You're in a good place
and I-I want you

to enjoy the moment.

Last time I enjoyed the moment,
I gained five pounds.

As long as there's pie,
I'm not safe.

No. As long as there's me,
you are.

I wish I hadn't sent
that nasty letter to the mayor.

Well, if he writes you back,
say it was a typo,

and you're married
to an Officer Briggs.

That guy's all messed up.

Okay. Nice.

Would anyone else like to share?

Boy, Mike looks great.

Oh, you should tell him.

I bet he'd like to hear that.

Looking good, Mike Biggs!

I didn't mean now.

Uh... Hi, my name is Mike.
I'm an overeater.

ALL: Hi, Mike. It's, uh...

It's been a while
since my last share.

And this is usually the point
where I would tell you how much

weight I've lost, but, uh,
I'm not gonna do that.

Because it's not about
how much I weigh,

it's about how I feel.

And today...

I feel pretty damn good.

Feeling good, looking good!

Okay, Harry.

That doesn't mean

I'm gonna feel great tomorrow,
you know?

But I'm gonna keep
taking it one day at a time,

because e-every day...

it's a battle.

You know?
And sometimes the pie wins.

But the thing is...

you gotta keep fighting.

Thanks for letting me share.