Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 8 - What Molly Hath Wrought - full transcript

Oh, God.

(Sighs)

Oh, God, why did I think
I could write a book?

Ooh! This is bad.

Ooh, this is really bad.

Oh.

Ooh, that sucks.

That sucks.

Oh... it still sucks.

Still sucks!

You know what?



I'll do... do that and that.

Yeah! Yeah!

(Grunting)

Hey.
(Grunting)

What are you
doing up so late?

I'm working on my book.

Okay. I take it...
(Groans)

Take it you're
not happy with it.

Is that why you're a cop?
'Cause nothing fools you.

Ooh.

Can't be that bad.

It's horrible, and the...

And I did everything, exactly
what the guy told me to do

in the How to Write Your Book
book.



Let the characters take me where
they wanted to go.

All right,
and where did they take you? Well,

they started off falling
deeply in love

in Tudor England.

Where's Tudor?
In...

It's when!

It's "when" is Tudor!

It's the 16th century!

Okay, and-and...

A hundred and something
pages later, they're fighting...

They're fighting space vampires.

Why?!

That sounds like something
I would read.

I know!

Aw, damn it.

What are you doing?

What needs
to be done.

No, no, no, no!
Yeah.

Molly, no! Hey!

Just get back!

Get back!
Please. Come on.

(Sighing):
Oh.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da

♪ La,
la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love

Remember, Mol,
if you heave from your core,

it's also a good ab workout.

(Retching)

There you go.

Hey, how's she doing?

(Retching)

Second verse, same as the first.

What do you got?

Oh, my famous hangover cure.

Isn't that for Molly?

Hey, it's like on an airplane.

You put on your own oxygen mask
before you put one on the kid.

There's my
little girl.

You okay, Mol?

Yeah, right as rain.

All right. Come on,
let's get you up.

Oh. No, no, no, no.

Better down.
Better down.

Oh, oh, oh, bring her
down, bring her down.

Why did I quit teaching
to be a writer?

Because you wanted
to follow your dreams.

Does this look like my dream?

Oh, I swear.

I swear I will never
drink again.

You're a Flynn.
Of course you will.

Here, you go.
Sip this.

It'll make you
feel better.

(Sighs)

Ew.

Oh, God, that's mostly vodka.

Do you want to feel
better or not?

Remember: You never have a
hangover if you stay loaded.

That actually looks good.

Mom, you want one?

Oh, I already
made a pitcher.

Grab some glasses
and bring it in.

First, she quits her job,

and I was right there to support
her through the whole thing.

Yes, you were.
You the man.

Then, she spends
I don't know how many months

trying to write a book, and once
again, I'm 100% in her corner.

We saw it.
A hundred percent.

But last night,
I walk into the kitchen,

she's in a drunken rage,
trying to burn her book.

And that's where
I got to draw the line.

Draw that line.
You got no choice.

I mean, I know marriage is
supposed to be

for better or for worse,

but how much worse
is it going to get?

Really? Nothing?

What do we know?

I can't even afford
a prostitute.

I just hate being
on this roller coaster.

She needs to pick a career
and stick with it.

What would happen
if you just put your foot down?

I have no idea.
I've never done it before.

That's why we live
with her mother,

and I have 30 pillows
on my bed.

Well, you need to do something,
because all this marital stress

is starting to affect
your police work.

(Laughs)

What are you laughing at?

Nothing. The city of Chicago
sleeps well at night,

knowing you're on the day shift.

Hey, I am a good cop.

And you know why?

Because I've never had
any fancy ambitions

or dreams to be anything else.

Just a simple man.

Nothing fancy about you.

That's starting
to get real annoying.

Sorry. I was beginning
to feel that myself.

Woman:
Our solar system

is made up of eight planets
orbiting around the sun.

Earth is one of them.

Can anyone name the rest
of the planets?

Anyone?

Oh, come on!

I taught you guys this!

You're making me look
like an idiot!

Security?

Hey, I never had a phone.

Cool.

Did you miss me?

(Blows on glass)

(Laughs)

Thanks for getting me out
of the principal's office.

You're welcome.
How do you feel?

Well, the booze has worn off,
so the shame's setting in.

What were you thinking,
coming to the school like that?

I don't know. I guess I just
wanted to see my old life.

Why the hell would you want
to do that?

It's like when you break up
with a guy,

and you drive by his house.

You're just trying
to convince yourself

that you made
the right decision.

When I drive by an ex's house,

it's only to put a brick
through his window

or something dead
in the mailbox.

Oh, my God. Can't you just
crank-call him or something?

I do. I tell him to
check the mailbox.

I take it your
writing career

isn't exactly what
you thought it'd be.

It's just a lot harder
than I thought.

And the other day,
I-I spent four hours

on one sentence,
just trying to get it right.

Hmm.

What was the sentence?

"She stood there
in silence thinking."

Wouldn't it be, "she silently
stood there, thinking?"

Oh, God, even you're
a better writer than I am.

Ah, don't beat
yourself up.

Maybe you're just
not talented.

Yeah, that's what
I've been saying.

But everybody in that house is
so damned supportive. (Laughs)

Well, that's why you got me.

You know, I've kind of

been putting Mike
through a lot lately.

He doesn't have to know about
this little field trip, does he?

(Sighs)

Gee, I hate
to keep stuff from my boy.

Oh, come on. He keeps stuff
from you all the time.

You know, we were in town
this Thanksgiving.

Really?

You kept the lights off all day.

You did a drive-by?

I invented the drive-by.

All right, I'll keep
your little secret.

Thank you.

But there's got to be
some quid pro quo.

Okay, what kind of quo
are we talking about?

(Sighs)

I don't know.

Let me sit silently
and think about it.

Wouldn't it be "sit in silence"?

Seriously?
Sorry.

(Indistinct voices on TV)

Hey.

What are you doing home
in the middle of the day?

I forgot the key
to the warehouse crapper,

and my guys are all bitching
about having to go outside.

You make them go outside?

Hey, it's not called a dumpster
for nothing.

Oh.

What's with you?
You sick?

Just of my life.
Okay.

That's more
than I want to get into.

You asked.

You know what your problem is?

You think too much.
You question everything.

Is that so?

See? You just did it.

You know what I'm thinking
right now? Nothing.

No. Wait.
Here comes something.

♪ Who's bending down
to give me a rainbow? ♪

♪ Everyone knows it's windy.

Remember that song?

Not like that.

Listen, I know

you're going through some kind
of inner turmoil

vis-ã -vis your questionable
life choices.

But hang in there.

Six months ago,
I was flat broke.

Now I have
a 10,000-square-foot warehouse

with two full-time employees
and three illegals.

Congratulations.

Actually, I just lost
two of my illegals.

Ins did a sweep, and only one
of them hid in the bathroom.

That's where the keys are.

All right, see you later.

See ya.

Here's a thought.

Why don't you get off
your mopey keister

and come help me
down at the warehouse?

Oh, here's a thought. No!

Why not? You're strong,

you got all your fingers,
and you have no other options.

You either work for me,
or you build iPhones in China.

Thank you, but I don't see
myself working in a warehouse.

What, you too good for it?

Did you know
William Faulkner

worked in a power plant
when he wrote As I Lay Dying?

How did you know that?

Snapple lid.

(Mutters)

Faulkner's no slouch.

Maybe a day of manual labor

is just what I need, you know?

No thinking,
no worrying, just...

Just doing.

Okay.

You're on, Vince.

Okay, I'm gonna go
change my clothes.

Oh, what's the vibe down there?

Is is like, you know,
flannels and Dickies?

Huh?

Oh, forget it.

I'll just throw
something together.

♪ Da da da da, stormy eyes.

("Windy" by The Association
playing)

♪ who's tripping down
the streets of the city ♪

♪ Smiling at everybody
she sees ♪

♪ Who's reachin' out
to capture a moment ♪

♪ Everyone knows it's windy.♪



Joyce, you mind if I ask
you a personal question?

17, High School
gym teacher.

What?

What?

No, uh, my question
is about the change

that happens in a woman's life.

Like puberty?

Later.

Adultery?

Later.

Menopause?

Yeah, that.
When does that start?

How would I know?

Come on, Joyce, I...

I'm worried about Molly.

She's all over the place lately.

And like every
other man,

you want to make a
vaginal issue about it.

I don't want to,
I-I just want to know

what's going on with my wife.

Well, you can relax. Molly's
not going through menopause.

She's just trying
to find herself.

Yeah, I keep hearing that.

But-but what does that mean?

I don't know.
It's just a thing you say

when somebody's
gone bat-crap crazy.

Molly:
Mike!

Mike!

Ooh, you'll
never guess

who drove a forklift
down at Vince's warehouse.

Me!
(Laughs)

Good luck.

I got her
through puberty.

Wait, hold on. Uh, my wife
is a forklift driver now?

Yeah, it was just for today.

Are you kidding me?

I need you all week.

You're a force of nature.

She outworked my Mexicans.

They're Guatemalan,
Vince.

I don't care what part
of Mexico they're from.

They're good workers.

And you outdid 'em.

What is
happening here?

I was sitting around,
feeling sorry for myself,

and Vince offered me,
you know, an honest day's work.

Oh, who-who said anything
about honest? (Chuckles)

I don't know
what the boys told you, but

I can pay you
off the books in cash

or fill your trunk
with beer.

Well, we could
use the money.

We'll take the cash.

They all do.

The first week.

Okay, uh, let me see
if I got this straight.

You were a teacher.

Then you became a writer.

Now you're a forklift driver.

(Laughing softly):
Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?

I could watch you all day.
It's like

a beautiful dance.

You're the Deney Terrio
of forklift drivers.

I don't know who
that is, but thank you.

Come down from there,
we need to talk.

Sure,
what's up?

You seem to be taking
to this job, am I right?

Yeah, I'm...
I'm having a blast.

Good, that's
what I thought.

(Chuckles)

I see something
in you.

You're smart,

hardworking,
bullheaded.

Oh.
We're not blood,

but you remind me
of a young me.

Oh, God, that started off
as a compliment.

Then it took
a really ugly turn.

What I'm saying is,
those are the traits

a person needs to
run a business.

Well, that and
a willingness

to set fire to a factory
when things go south.

What are you...?
What are you getting at, Vince?

I want you to help
me run the company,

and one day, carry
on the moranto name.

Are you serious? I've...

I've only been here
for two days.

Two glorious days.

And who else do I got?

If there is one regret
I have in my life,

it's that a child...

Has never come
from these loins.

Well, I think nature has a way

of weeding its own garden.

What do you say?

You want to be my
heir apparently?

Just let me mull it over.

I'll... I'll run it by Mike.

Sure. I understand.

You don't want to
jump into something

that might solve all
your financial problems

in one fell swoop.

Think about it.

I could, too.

I could totally
torch this place.

So, what do you think?
I mean, it's a lot of money.

I do like that part.

I mean, it would mean
me giving up my writing.

Sure would.

I could work for
Vince during the week

and then write
on the weekends.

Well, there you go.

Then when...? Then when would
our special quality time be?

That's a very good question.

So, you-you think I should
tell Vince "no," huh?

I think you need
to follow your heart on this.

Oh, for God's sakes,
Mike, have an opinion!

I'm trying not to!

What?!

I don't know what's going on,
and I'm a little afraid of you!

Why?

Molly, in the last three months,
you've changed jobs three times.

I've barely changed pants
that many times.

Well, and it's
confusing for me, too.

You know, I'm trying
to find myself.

I know I don't want
to teach anymore,

and I don't...

I don't know if I'm
good enough to write.

And for some
weird reason,

I can drive the bejesus
out of a forklift.

You don't have
to find yourself!

I found you.

And you're perfect.

Mmm. That's really sweet.

But that doesn't
really help me...

Aah, I can't. I can't.

Sweetie, it's 4:00 A.M.

When are you coming to bed?
Oh, soon.

I just... just have some ideas
I want to get down.

So, you're quitting
the warehouse gig?

No. It means I'm taking
the warehouse gig.

But you're writing.

Exactly.

Huh? I mean,
not worrying about the writing

got me thinking
about the warehouse.

And then, the warehouse
started making me think, like,

"ooh, that's a pretty good place
for a murder mystery setting."

And then, next thing I know,

I'm four victims
and six chapters in.

It's a bloodbath!

Okay, all right.

Sounds like you got
it all worked out.

Yes, I do.

Well, if you are going
to the warehouse tomorrow,

which... I
think you are...

...you should probably
get some sleep.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Ooh. The warehouse supervisor
doesn't know it yet,

but he's about to get skewered
by a forklift.

(Laughing)

Ooh.

Oh.

Hey, kid?

You okay?
You look a little tired.

I'm fine.
You sure?

Why don't you
take a break?

No, I just... I just
need another run at it.

Just, all right, I got this.

(Loud thudding and clanking)

You know what?

I think I am gonna take you up
on that break.

This is not bad.

Ooh, not bad at all.

Ooh. That's pretty great.

Hello.

Hi.

It's time.
For what?

Quid pro quo.
Come on, let's go.

Where are we going?
None of your business.

Know how to handle
a chainsaw? What?

Oh, never mind. I'll show
you when we get there.