Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 7 - They Shoot Asses, Don't They? - full transcript

Give me all your cash!

And some scratchers.

I'm feeling lucky.

(Bell jingles)

Be cool.

MIKE: Why do we gotta
come here for a snack?

There's no healthy choices for me.

Listen, I support you
tryin' to eat right,

but I've been craving
this burrito ever since

we heard that "La Cucaracha" car horn.

I thought you just wanted the burrito.



Well, if I'd told you my whole plan,

you never would have
let me come in here.

Ugh.

This looks like the same apple
that tempted Eve.

You know, there's an interesting
fact about apples.

There are so many varieties that
if you ate a new one every day

it'd take you 20 years to try them all.

- You don't say.
CARL: - Yep.

My favorite, in order:

Gala, Braeburn, Honeycrisp, Fuji...

No, no, wait, wait.

Fuji before Honeycrisp.

Buddy, you checkin' out or not?

- Back off! Just back off!
- Whoa.



Okay. Take it easy.

Put the gun down.

- We can figure this out.
- No! No...

I'm gonna get my money

and my scratchers

and you're gonna let me
walk out of here.

Hey, it's all right. It's cool.

Nobody do anything stupid.

(Beeping)

(Gunshot)

(Gunshot)
I'm hit! I'm hit!

Officer down! Officer down!

You all right, buddy?

No, I'm not all right!

I got a bullet in my ass!

Don't just stand there, man.

Go grab some of those maxi pads

and put some pressure on
my partner's backside.

Stay where you are!

Nobody's touching my ass!

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

Mike & Molly 4x07 - They Shoot Asses, Don't They?
Original air date December 16, 2013

Oh, how's it look?

Well, luckily the bullet

passed clean through the cheek.

But sadly, I think your thong
bikini days are behind you.

(Chuckles)

Oh, don't make me laugh.

It makes my buns jiggle.

MOLLY: - Mike?
- Molly!

In here!

Hi. Oh, my God, sweetie,
how are you feeling?

- Better, now that you're here.
- Oh, God.

I'm sorry, I got here
as soon as I could.

But first they sent me
to the wrong hospital,

and then when I got in here,
they wouldn't let me in

because they said your husband

was already with you...

Hey, I just said "partner"

and "the most important
person in my life."

They're the ones who
made the assumption.

Are they gonna make you spend the night?

They just want me to stay
for a couple more hours.

Then I can go.

Okay, good.

Let me take you home
and take care of you

and keep you away from
all these bad people.

PEGGY: Where's my son?

Mike!

Shh, shh, shh. You should rest.

(Mouthing)

Oh, they're home.

- Oh, hey.
- There he is.

The man with the Kevlar ass.

Can I get you something
for the pain, sweetie?

Whiskey, vodka, Mexican NyQuil...

Maybe a Percocet, Vicodin...

I'm out of Demerol, but I can
have some here in an hour.

No, I'm fine.

They loaded me up with pain pills.

Which I will count and lock up

at the end of each night.

I'm gonna get you some ice.

You should have seen this man today.

They say don't bring
a knife to a gunfight?

Well, Mike Biggs showed up

with nothing but a can of Diet Coke.

Just needed one calorie
to take down that dirtbag.

I'm just glad nobody else was hurt.

Well, you are a real hero.

Your next meal at
the diner is on the house.

Like it usually is,

but this time I won't
give you crap for it.

Well, that's very generous.

And thank you all for the concern,

but I'm pretty tired.

I just want to go to bed.

Yeah? You need me to sit with you?

Read you a book?

Tickle your back?

It wasn't okay in the hospital,

it's not okay here.

PEGGY: Come on, boy,

I'll get you upstairs.

Oh, it's okay, I think his wife
can put him to bed.

I think if anybody should
take him up, it's his mother.

It's time for nurturing, not nookie.

He got shot.

I'm not trying to get laid.

Shut your mouth, that's my son!

Stop it!

I can put myself to bed.

Well... call down if you need anything.

I'll be up in a little bit.

Shouldn't you be getting home?

Sun'll be coming up soon.

Yeah, let... let me take
you home, Mrs. Biggs.

Thank you.

While my boy heals,

you might want to consider dusting.

I'd hate to lose him to infection.

Hey, hey, hey, Peggy, lose this!

Did you just flip off
your mother-in-law?

Not really. She can't see at night.

It was more for me.

Sweetie, are you okay?

Yeah, I just can't get comfortable.

I'm gonna go downstairs for a while.

Oh.

Do you want me to go downstairs with you

and help you get set up in a chair?

It's really clean down there.

I dusted.

No. You, uh... you keep sleeping.

You know, you've been
through a lot today.

You want to...

maybe talk about it?

Honey, I... I'm fine, really.

Okay?

I'm just gonna go downstairs,
watch some TV.

Mike...

Yeah?

I'm really glad you're okay.

You know, when I got that
call today, it just...

I know.

I know.

Good night.

Good night.

I love you.

Love you, too.

I agree with Carl.

Your butt's still really cute.

(Spectators shouting on TV)

Hey.

Hey, you're up late.

Come on, have a seat.

I can't.

Somebody shot the thing
I used to sit on.

Boy, you don't realize

how much you use your ass
until you can't.

Here...

I want you to have this.

Oh, no... your hemorrhoid pillow?

You deserve it.

I mean, you took a bullet.

All I did was push too hard.

No, thanks.

That poor pillow's been through enough.

Couldn't sleep, huh?

No.

(Groans)

I just keep replaying today

over and over again in my head.

If we'd come in two minutes earlier

or two minutes later...

if the gun drops a little different...

Boom.

I'm dead.

No more Mike Biggs.

Well, you can't think about it.

You just gotta thank God you're alive

and live every day like it's your last.

You know, you're right, Vince.

I need to talk to somebody

I haven't spoken with in a long time.

Hand me that phone.

That's the spirit.

Is this Tony?

Hey, Mike Biggs.

How you doin', man?

Yeah, it's been a while.

Listen, I'd like to order
a pepperoni pizza.

You want in on this?

What about your diet?

You gonna judge me, or join me?

Ah, what the hell.

Pineapples and jalapeños.

Tonight, we ride!

(Speaking indistinctly)

No, he's still in bed, Carl.

Yeah, well, he had
a pretty restless night.

Yes, he...

he does look like
a little sleeping angel.

No, I'm not gonna take
a picture and send it to you.

Because it's weird.

Okay.

Okay, I'll...

Okay, I'll have him call you
when he gets up.

He loves you, too.

Okay, bye...

Okay, bye.

Bye!

Oh, my God.

My sister-wife has got to chill out.

Huh.

Oh, boy.

Oh, that's not good.

That's not good at all.

I got Zantac,

I got Tums, I got Mylanta...

Gimme 'em all.

Feels like I swallowed
a nest of fire ants.

What's wrong with him?

Oh, heartburn,

diarrhea...

Oh, it was so bad
I made him use the bathroom

at the 76 station down the street.

Does this have anything to do

with the pizza boxes in the trash?

I... I promised not to tell.

Come on, your word is meaningless.

Spill it.

All right.

It was just supposed to be

a late-night pizza between friends.

But then your husband
got this look in his eyes.

They went dead, like a shark's.

I know that look.

He kept circling the pizza boxes,

just eating and eating.

At one point, we had delivery
guys stacked up three deep,

like planes waitin' to land at O'Hare.

Come on, you know he's on a diet.

Why didn't you try to stop him?

I asked myself the same question

while I was squattin'
over a gas station toilet.

I'm just thankful to OA for helping me

get my eating under control.

How you holding up, buddy?

I'm fine.

I heard about what happened yesterday.

It was just a little pizza.

I was talking about you being shot.

Oh, yeah, that was awful.

So, would anyone else like to share?

Fine.

Hi, my name's Mike.

I'm an overeater.

ALL: Hi, Mike.

I slipped up last night.

I ate a little more than I should've.

Was that good? No.

But I had kind of a rough day.

You know, the kind of day

where the bad guys use your ass
for target practice?

So what if I've had
a few pizzas, some wings,

a little cheesecake,
and a can of frosting?

He's got food issues.

MIKE: I could have

died last night.

So I ate. Big deal.

What are you gonna do, shoot me?
Too late.

Somebody already did!

Hey, you know what?

Screw this.

I'm going over to
the AA meeting next door.

They got better stories
and they have snacks!

Shut up, Harry.

(Doorbell rings)

Have you seen Mike?

No, but I saw you flip me
the bird the other night.

How did you see that?

I got the cataract surgery!

Hey, good for you.

When's the last time you saw him?

He was hobbling out of our OA meeting.

Can you blame him?

Nothing worse than those boo-hoo groups.

I deal with my issues
the old-fashioned way.

I drink.

What's this?

Making a feel-good pudding for the boy.

Really?

- Food is the last thing he needs.
- Hey.

I know how to heal my own son.

It wasn't a cast

that fixed his broken arm
when he was six.

It was banana pudding,

morning, noon and night.
And when that cast

couldn't fit anymore,

we knew he was healed.

Are you insane?

Pudding is not medicinal!

Calm down.

No, I will not calm down.

My husband was shot

and he won't talk to me about it,

and now he's eating himself
into an early grave.

And I thought maybe you
would want to help me

because you're the only other
person in this entire world

who loves him as much as I do.

Come here.

Why?

Just come here!

Put the knife down.

Oh, my God... what are you doing?

I'm hugging you.

And no one needs to know about this.

Well, I'm certainly not going

to tell anybody about it.

Okay.

There you are.

Man, do you have any
idea how many people

are out there looking for you?

Three.

Yes.

Well, thanks for coming.

I have something I want to say to you.

You're sorry?

I quit.

What are you talking about?

I want you to turn my badge in for me.

(Scoffs)
Get outta here.

I'm done. I don't need it.

First of all, no.

And secondly, when we do decide to quit,

that's gonna be a decision
that we make together.

- As a couple.
- Oh...

Just take the damn badge.

What... I will not!

And what has gotten into you?

A bullet, okay?

Okay.

Thank you.

Well, I tell you what,

you've had a... a long couple of days.

Why don't I just drive you home?

That's probably a good idea.

The bartender cut me off.

Yeah? You don't seem that drunk.

From the nachos.

Man...

we have patrolled
every inch of this city.

We sure have.

Look.

There's the park where
we busted that carriage driver

for selling drugs.

Yeah, I knew something was fishy.

Too many junkies were taking

romantic rides around the duck pond.

(Chuckles)

You're a damn good cop,

'cause you're the one who figured out

that he was hiding the drugs
in the manure bag.

- You know what still gnaws at me, though?
- Hmm?

Where did that horse poop?

Oh!

And there goes the building

where you saved that jumper.

Yeah, that one could have gone

a couple different ways.

(Scoffs)
Not with Mike Biggs on the job.

I still can't believe that
you went out on that ledge.

God, you remember how afraid
of heights you used to be?

I still am.

I just worked through it.

It's what you gotta do.

Well, whatever you did,

you saved a man's life.

I know what you're doing, Carl.

Yeah, is it working?

I could take you by that drain pipe

where you rescued that stuck kitten

and the fire department

had to come rescue the stuck you.

Just drive.

Hey.

Oh. Thanks for coming home.

Sorry, I... had to work some things out.

What are you doing?

I'm making a sundae as big as my head.

You trying to make me feel bad?

No, I'm trying to make me feel good.

Molly, please, don't...
don't... don't do this.

I was wrong.

I should've talked to you.

You know, if you can't come to me,

and I can't come to you,
then what are we doing here?

I said I was wrong.

I mean, what else can I say?

I just want us to remember this moment

the next time I screw up.

Let's throw this away.

(Sighs)

It won't take anything away from

what happened to you yesterday,

but I had a bit of

a traumatic experience myself.

What happened?

Your mother hugged me.

Really?

Yeah.

And the worst part was...

it was kind of nice.

Let's go to bed.

I've eaten worse.

Brought you a snack.

I'm back on the wagon again, Vince.

Same here... sugar-free Jell-O
and nonfat whipped cream.

I packed on six pounds
being your binge buddy.

That's not that bad.

Are you kidding? On my frame,

goes right to my neck,
like I swallowed a fanny pack.

(Chuckling)

Thanks.

Well, how's the bullet hole healing?

Ah, Molly says
my twerking days are over.

I don't know what that is.

Neither do I, but she sure
thought it was funny.

You're probably going to have
a nice scar back there.

Speaking of which... have I
ever shown you this one?

Looks like you were
stapled or something.

I was bartending

on a cruise ship and I got bit
by a buck-tooth Russian gal.

Caught me on the lido deck

playing topless shuffleboard
with her sister.

See this?

Bar fight?

Trombone scar.

High school July 4th parade.

Shriner in a mini-car stopped short.

Even with all the blood,
I never missed a note.

Impressive.

You see this one?

Went camping with a little person

and they caught me on the back
of the head with a shovel.

What the hell did you do to him?

Her.

Did you know they don't like
being called midgets anymore?

Yes. Yes, I did.

You want the rest of this?

Sure. You don't like it?

Nah.

I'm gonna roll the dice,

maybe see what's in the garbage.

Shovel to the head explains a lot.