Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 6 - Shoeless Molly Flynn - full transcript

Hey, honey.

Whatcha doing?

Just going through your
credit card bills.

Uh, ye...
Coming!

Nobody else is home, Molly.

Have a seat.

This is becoming, like,
an every month thing for you.

Well, now that we're
a one-income family

we really have got
to watch our spending.

Hey, I've been
really good lately...

no Starbucks, no manicures,



I've only had one palm reading.
What?

See? Madam Olga said
you'd be upset.

You're hilarious.

(giggles)

Look, I was going
over these bills,

and I think there's
a few more areas

where we can cut back.

Let's hear it.
Well, how about this

"Wax On, Wax Off" place,
is that a car wash?

'Cause I could do
that in the driveway.

That's my bikini wax, you want
to do that in the driveway?

We'll file that under
"medical expenses""

Here's what we don't need...
NFL Sports Package.

No, no, no, no!



We both need that.

If I'm not watching
football here,

I'm at a bar.

If I'm at a bar,
having a few beers.

Now, games are Sunday,
Monday, and Thursday.

Let's say at least
three beers per game,

times 17 weeks...
Uh-huh.

plus playoffs.

Saving $50 has cost you...

one husband to alcoholism.

Anything's better
than this.

What?
What?

O-Okay.

Oh, here, here's
a perfect example

of a luxury item
we do not need.

Bottled water.

Mike, we need water to live.

We have it...

right here.

Look, and it's free.

From Lake Michigan to our home.

See? Perfectly good water.

You gonna drink that
or paint the house with it?

Well, give it a second,
you just got to let the minerals

and vitamins sink to the bottom.

Or... I have another idea...
how about you drink that,

I'll drink
the bottled water.

It'll last twice as long.

(gasps) Who just cut
our water bill in half?

You're welcome.

Out of water?

Mine's still full.

Mine will be... let me just
swap out this dead soldier.

You can't lift that jug,
let me help you with it.

No, I got it,
it's my water.

(sighs)

I can change it.

Just enjoy your
"Cloudy with a Chance of Hep C""

Would you like some help?

No, I got it.

Oh...

God...!

(groans)

(breathes heavily)

Easy-peasy.

All right, so it's
just a little...

a full flip, and there we go.

It's delicious.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La,
la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

Just leave the pot.
I hardly slept.

Well, you should
get a body pillow.

Ever since I got one,
I've been sleeping like a baby.

I literally woke up
with my thumb in my mouth.

Well, don't tell me
where the other thumb was,

I had enough
nightmares last night.

Have you heard the one
where you wake

to the passionate sounds
of your roommate

humping a body pillow?

I told you, I was just
flipping it to the cool side.

My thighs get hot.

No, this dream started with
all my teeth crumbling.

Oh, that usually represents
a feeling of powerlessness,

like your life is falling apart.

Or it could reflect
your dental hygiene.

Picking your teeth
with a parking citation

is not the same as flossing.

After my teeth fell out,
I was suddenly in a bathroom.

I sat on a pot, and money just
started pouring out of it...

coins, bills, everything.

But when I tried to grab it,
it all flushed away.

Diarrhea money.

This is a very common dream.

Your loose bowels represent
a lack of control in your life.

The money could be anything.

Like money.

Yeah! Money!

At the rate me and Molly
are paying down our debt,

our first home's gonna
be a nursing home.

Boo-hoo.

My credit rating is so bad,
I can't even get into debt.

CARL:
Mm!

Praise God, someday.

Yeah, I feel bad
for you guys,

'cause after 37 years
of living with my grandma

(chuckles) I'm flush.

I'm paying for lunch, aren't I?

Samuel, get me
the dessert menu.

(laughs)

Oh, uh-oh... Ooh...

Do you want
to go in?

No, no, no,
I'm fine out here.

I promised Mike
I would be good,

and I'm going to be good.

God, those shoes
are beautiful.

Oh, I think I can smell the
leather through the glass.

Can't you just
try them on?

No, I can't try them on.

I try them on, I'm...

I'm gonna buy 'em,
and, I mean...

You know, I guess if
I tried on just one...

you know, in maybe,
like, a size too small,

then it would pinch, and
that would be a really

bad shoe experience,
and I wouldn't want to...

I wouldn't want to
get them, you know.

B-But, if-if they run big,
and it fits perfectly,

then I got, you know,
that's fate...

and who am I to deal with fate,
so then I am buying the shoe...

No, you know what,
I'm-I'm just gonna st...

I'm not going in.

Okay, then we'll leave.

No, we're not leaving.

You're trying on shoes!
Get in there!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

We don't need boots.
No, come here.

These are the showstoppers.
The black ones.

Yeah, they're all black.

Yeah, not the ugly black ones,

the amazing black ones.
These.

Come on. No... no!

I'm not the
bass player for KISS.

Come on, one up,

one up, and two over.

One up, up, up, up.

Two over. Two over.

Two... yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

These are nice.

Right? I know! Hello!

Excuse me, do you
have these in nine?

Or eight? Eight?

But I'm a nine.

All right, fine.
Do they run small?

That's the last pair
we have and it's an eight.

(gasps) Did you say eight?
'Cause I'll take 'em.

I thought you weren't
gonna buy anything.

I'm not, you are.
Put it on my credit cards.

I was never here.
I'll meet you in the alley.

Oh, God.

Why did you let me
let you do something

that I wasn't supposed to do?

And why are you
so beautiful?

I know this is weird,
coming from your stoner sister:

But you've got a problem.

JOYCE:
The only problem

she'll have is
if Mike sees them.

You want me to keep them
in my vibrator cabinet?

I lock those up like guns.

No. I mean, I did it,
I have to be honest

and own up to my own mistakes.

(door closes)
MIKE: Molly!

Oh, God, get 'em off,
get 'em off, get 'em off!

Oh, oh!
Hey.

Hey. Hey.
Hey, you.

I stayed home
all day,

I don't know what
these two did.

What's up with
those two?

Drunk? High? Who knows.

Addiction is a problem,
and we have to be understanding.

Why are you so tall?

Why are you so handsome?

Where are you going?
Where are you going?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

No, no.
Are those new shoes?

No.
Really?

No.

How much were they?
They were on sale.

Really?
Yes.

Molly?

No.
You are killing me!

Come on, they're
one pair of shoes.

I promise I won't do it again.

You say that every time.

But we're drowning in debt
and it's all on my shoulders.

It's not all on your shoulders,
it's on my shoulders, too.

How?

Are you going to work every day?

No, you're just
going out and shopping

and spending all of my money.

Really?

Oh, boy.

Your money? Wow.

Look, I...
don't turn this on me,

you're the one who
bought the stupid shoes.

Got it:
Stupid shoes, your money.

Hey, I'm right on this one,

and you're not making
me feel bad about it.

Damn it!
I feel bad about it.

Vince.

There he is.
Have a seat, champ.

Brewed a fresh pot of coffee
and made you some eggs.

Why are you
making me breakfast?

You got to be hungry

after that ass chewing
you gave your wife.

You heard about that?

The whole house is abuzz.

Sit down, hero.

Hero.

I slept on a La-Z-Boy
in the basement last night.

And Jesus wore
a crown of thorns.

It was just a dumb
fight about shoes.

No, it was much more than that.

You said, "my money."

You had the balls to say

what a generation of men
have wanted to

since the dawn
of joint checking accounts.

Morning.

Morning, Moll.

Nice shoes.
Yeah, bite me.

Just so you know,

I'm going out and
getting a job today,

just so I can pay you
back your precious money.

Molly, you're being ridiculous.
You don't have to get a job.

Oh, am I ridiculous now, too?
(groans)

You know what? I'm gonna
put that on my resumption

under "Special Skills""

VINCE:
Hey, if you're

looking for a job, I got
a buddy who owns a school

teaching foreigners
how to drive cars.

You'd be surprised
how much money you can make

exploiting the undocumented
immigrant market.

I have a master's degree,
Vince, okay?

I think I can get something
a little bit better than that.

VINCE:
Wow.

You may never
get laid again.

So, do you have any skills?

Uh, yeah, I was a teacher
for the Chicago school system

for the last ten years, so...

Oh. No skills.

No, no, no, I have,
I have skills... I can type.

I'm very good with a computer.

Oh, that's terrific.

Uh, how do you feel
about house painting?

(chuckles)
Painting.

(laughs): Well, I couldn't
start you off as a painter.

No, maybe a scraper
or a prepper.

A can... shaker. That...

I-I have a master's degree.

Well, if it's
a master's degree in...

air-conditioning repair,
you're in luck.

Uh, no, it's in
medieval literature.

Um, I just, I just
think that I have

a little more to offer the
world than manual labor.

(chuckles) Well, the world
doesn't give a hot crap.

Do you mind if, uh,
we get real for a second?

Realer than that?

Here it is:

We're all screwed.

If you don't have money now,
you are never getting any.

Because the three guys
that have it all

are not sharing.

Are you sure that
you're the one

I'm supposed to be talking
to about getting a job?

There are no jobs.
In fact,

this agency is shutting down
in two weeks.

We're all getting laid off.

And I just got
a fully-loaded Ford Focus.

Those are nice.

Yeah.

Nice enough to live in?

You know what, I'm just...

I'm probably just gonna go.

Hey, you know...
how about you...

get yourself a little
treat at lunch,

on me.
(nervous chuckle)

Bless you.

You know I'm gonna
spend this on liquor.

I do.

(sighs)

Can't believe this
is the only job I could get.

I have a master's degree.

I'm just doing this so I can
get a job driving a taxi.

And I have a PhD.

Well, good for you, Dr. Don't
Have a Driver's License.

Ten and two!

That's 11 and one!
Ten and two!

You know, this is me and Molly's
first big fight.

Well, that's what
happens with couples.

I remember our
first big fight.

The day you brought
harmonica to work?

No. Before that.

When I snatched that second
double cheeseburger

out of your hand.

Oh, right,
that was a bad one.

Yeah. You bit me.

I let up when I realized
it wasn't hamburger.

(chuckles)

I-I just didn't understand the
issues that you were going through,

but you know,
I did it out of love.

Oh, I know.

It was right after that
that I joined OA.

Molly?!

She was there, too.

Changed my whole life.

No, Molly.

Molly?

Oh, you got
to be kidding me.

Drive. Drive.

It's a red light.

Then... check both
ways, but go, go,

go!

Where is she going?

She was looking
right at me.

Wow. Never seen somebody
storm off in a Prius.

Didn't make any noise,
but it sure made her point.

Follow that car.

Damn it, we can't
shake these clowns.

Aren't we supposed to
pull over for the police?

Only if there's lights
and a siren.

(siren wailing)

Gah!
Oh.

Oh, my goodness.

Just keep it together,
professor,

and make a left up here.

Don't use your signal,

they'll know
which way we're turning.

Just accelerate
through the turn.

Watch it.

(tires squeal)

I don't know why that
woman's taking classes.

You see the way she
just took that corner?

(amplified): Molly, pull over,
we need to talk.

The police know you?!

Are you a criminal?

No, I'm your one chance
out of this mess.

Speed bump.

MOLLY:
Aah!

Speed bump.

(sighs)

You know, I hate to pry,

but obviously,
this is a result

of a lack of communication

between you and
your spouse.

Shut up, you.

I'm just saying,
I know how you can be.

Hey, I'm not
in the wrong, here.

She bought the shoes.
Ah.

See what you did, there? Instead
of trying to find a solution,

you're trying to lay blame.

Really? So even when she's wrong
I don't get to be right.

Like Oprah says,
"Do you want to be right

or do you want
to be married?"

Oprah isn't married.

Well, she's got Gayle.

Come on, Molly,
pull over the car, please.

Please, please
let me pull over.

Oh, fine. If you're gonna be
such a stickler for the law,

you're never gonna make it
as a cabbie in this town.

I know she's my wife,

but this is still
evading arrest.

Don't go in
with a hot head.

Remember: Listen,
acknowledge,

admit, and apologize.

LAAA.

Oprah?

Carl.

Molly, what the hell
are you doing?

I am trying to earn
my own money.

This is ridiculous.
Why?

What you said is true... the
money you make is not my money.

It is your money.
No, it's not.

I'm not working,
I'm just spending.

Well, you're working at trying
to be a writer. (scoffs)

I don't even know if I'm
good enough to be one.

You are.
How do you know? I...

I don't even know. And that's
what scares the hell out of me.

Then I get scared, and
I get nervous, and I...

go shopping,
and if I go shopping,

I buy stupid shoes, all trying
to make me feel better.

(sighs)

Do they make you
feel better?

Yes.

Then you should keep 'em.

No, I can't.

Yes, you can.

I want you to be happy.

'Cause when you're not happy,

I'm miserable.

In that case, there's a...

there's a purse and a belt that
might put me over the moon.

Don't push it.
I know.

You're right.
And I'm going to,

I'm going to work
really hard to be better.

You know what?

I'm gonna give you
my credit cards.

You don't have to do that.
No, I want-I want to.

I already canceled them.

Even the ones you
don't know about?

You're gonna be the death of me.
(giggles)

I'll see you at home.

Sorry.

Are we in trouble?

No, no. Just take a turn
at the next light and head

towards Michigan Avenue.

I've got a purse and a belt
I need to return.

Okay, I'd like to return these.
Uh, funny story...

I got home, and my
husband had already

bought me the same shoes,
the same belt

and the same purse.

I mean, does he
know me or what?

(chuckles)

You wore these.

No, no, I didn't.

They're still warm.

All right, then take
back the purse and belt.

Come on, my frickin'
marriage is on the line here.

Best I can do is give you
a store credit.

Okay, I'll take the
purse and the belt.