Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 5 - Poker in the Front, Looker in the Back - full transcript

Okay, keep going,
keep going, keep going.

Oh... all right.

Swivel it, swivel it.

MIKE: I'm wedged between
a washing machine

and a toboggan.

Swiveling's
not an option.

Then, well, just...

Then rotate it.

Rotate is the
same as swivel!

(sighs)

Can you just push it.



Wait, no!
Swivel it, swivel it!

(mutters)

Oh, did I do that?

Let's just take a little break.

I don't see why we have
to move back upstairs.

Mike, we already
discussed this.

Discussed? You said,
"Help me with this mattress."

I thought we were
just flipping it

to give you my divot
for a while.

Really?
Drinking in the morning?

We're moving.
You drink beer when you move.

All right, split it with me.

Too late.
All right.

(laughs)



Come on, we tried living
in the basement.

It didn't work out.
For who?

I love it down there.

No, you don't.

It's dark and damp,

and it's like sleeping
in a cave.

Hey, it works for bears.
If I didn't have a job,

you wouldn't see me till spring.

Upstairs is gonna be
light and airy.

You're gonna feel
energized and creative.

I don't want to feel
any of those things.

I just want to have
reasonably effective sex

with my wife and go to sleep.

Well, imagine that and a window.

Am I allowed to ask
how the book's coming?

Sure, of course.

But I shouldn't, right?

I wouldn't.

I mean, how is this thing
getting heavier?

(groans)
Are you lifting at all?

I'm trying, but
my ass is about

to take out half
your family photos.

Well, who cares?
We'll make new memories.

Let's lift on three.

One, two...

(yells)

Did I do that?

I'm gonna need another beer.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da

♪ La,
la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love

All right, computer.

Let's me and you
write a bestseller.

Oh, that's...

Oh, God!

That seems a little high there.

Let's just...

Ah, there we go.

Ooh, that's...

No, no... All right, let's...

That's better.

Yeah.

Oof! Gee...

Okay.

No, let's see.

You know what...

All right, you were great.

Hey, look at this.

Good for me.

Working on my core.

Okay. Ooh!

(grunts)

All right, all right.

All right. Aah!

All right, all right, all right.

Just got to brace myself.

Got to brace.

Got to brace my... self.

Oh, for God sakes.

Stupid thing. Out of here...

Hey.

Yeah, hey!

Yeah.

Welcome back to
the neighborhood.

Thanks.
I got to tell you.

I-I kind of miss
having to listen

to your husband take
a leak every night

at 2:00 in the morning.

Yeah.

4:00 in the morning, 6:00.

Yeah, I know, I know.
No, we're trying to...

He's gonna get it checked out.

Am I allowed to ask
how the book is coming?

Yeah, of course.
Should I?

I wouldn't.

What the hell is O'Donnell
doing down there?

What?

Looks like he's throwing out

a whole closetful
of his wife's dresses.

MOLLY: Huh.

It's weird,
I-I can't even remember

the last time I saw his wife.

Or heard her.

She was always screaming
at him about something.

Yeah, you're right, it has
been real quiet over there.

Well, you're the writer.

Why does a man throw out
his wife's clothes?

Oh, I don't know,
I've only been writing

a couple of weeks, um...

Maybe she doesn't
want them anymore.

Maybe she's not around
to wear them anymore.

Maybe she's not alive

to wear them anymore.

Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck!

Harry, I thought
you were lactose intolerant.

Like you wouldn't believe.

Yeah, well, that onion
dip is loaded with dairy.

Really?

Well, I came here to gamble.

How would you guys feel
about raising the stakes?

What's wrong
with quarter, nickel, dime?

Nothing, if we're trying
to cycle up our periods.

Let's keep the stakes low.

I sent all my money to a
starving family in Africa.

My own.

Just keep the stakes
where they are.

I just want to sit and relax.

I've been running up
and down stairs all day.

Oh, your pee-pee problem again?

You got to get that looked at.

No, I was moving.

Molly thinks putting
our bedroom upstairs

is better for her writing.

Oh, how's that coming along?

I don't know, we kind of have

a "don't ask, don't ask" policy.

Are we playing cards,
ladies, or talking?

Put up your big blind, Harry.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm...

Deal me out!

(gasps) Oh, God!

What'd I miss?

He's still
in the back room.

Oh, I've been in
enough back rooms

to know nothing good
ever happens there.

Oh, oh, oh, ooh!
He's on the move.

He's dragging a big box
into the dining room.

That son of a bitch.
What?

How does he have
a dining room?

I thought we had
the same floor plan.

Okay, he's left the box,
now he's headed...

Ooh, he's heading
toward the bedroom.

He better not have
a walk-in closet.

Okay, okay, okay.

Now he's taking off
his pants.

Boxers?
Briefs.

Ooh, this guy is throwing up
red flags everywhere.

Okay, he's walking
towards the bed.

He's walking
towards the bed, and...

Yeah, he's taking a nap.

Sweet dreams,
you sick bastard.

You know what?

Let's go over what
we know so far, okay?

Subject was seen throwing
out an armful of dresses

still on the hangers.

Ugly dresses.

I agree, but that's conjecture.

We're gonna build
this case on facts.

Yeah.

He was moving around
an awful lot of boxes.

Ooh, boxes.

And still no sign of the wife.

"Wife, question mark."

Devil's advocate.
Okay.

What if she left him?

Way ahead of you.

Then why wouldn't she bring
her ugly dresses, huh?

And what about the dog?
Oh! What about the dog?

God, she wouldn't
have left that.

But how do we know it's her dog?

'Cause it's a little,
yappy thing wearing a sweater.

What kind of man
has a dog like that?

A gay man.

(slow gasp)

Interesting.

"Gay, question mark."

Ooh, quiet neighbor realizes
late in life

that he enjoys
the company of another man.

(gasps)
She finds out his little secret.

Maybe she caught...
(gasps)

Maybe she caught him wearing
one of her ugly dresses!

She's furious.

There's a fight.

Slap turns into a shove.

That turns
into a fall down the stairs.

He panics.
He has to get rid of the body.

He's got to chop her up
into little bits

and put her
into little nondescript boxes!

God, that butcher thinks

he's gonna get away with it.

Or maybe he's just moving.

Is "moving" on the board?
Is "moving" on the board?

God! Let's stick to the facts!

I really don't like the idea
of you going over there.

I'm just sniffing around
while he's sleeping.

What exactly
are you looking for?

I don't know.

Ooh, a dead woman would
really help our case.

Be careful, baby.

All right, don't get
soft on me, Joyce, okay?

I need you to watch my 6:00.
I'm going in hot!

(whistling)

(yawning)

Go look in the window.

Hello?
Hi...

Hi. Hey!

I... I'll take those.

Don't you live next door?
I do.

And I'm here picking up
Mr. O'Donnell's mail

while he's out of town.

Really? 'Cause I saw him
at the gym this morning.

Well... I mean, if you're

going on vacation,
you got to get into shape

to look good
in that swimsuit, right?

Yeah, you do.

Well.

Okay, keep it up!

(clicks tongue)

Why the postal serce
is going in the crapper.

Who we spying on?

I'm watching your sister
swipe the neighbor's mail.

Isn't it bad enough
we steal his Wi-Fi?

Shut... (shushes)

Junk, junk.

Ooh-hoo-hoo.

Air Mexicano.

I think somebody's
going to Mexico.

Oh, or getting
a pre-approved credit card.

JOYCE:
Oh, no! O'Donnell's awake.

We got to warn her.

I got this.
Ca-caw, ca-caw!

Molly, I said,
"Ca-caw, ca-caw""

Ms. Flynn?
Ooh, hey, neighbor.

Got your mail by mistake.

Okay, everybody checked.

Here comes the turn.

Two of clubs, a brick.

Helps nobody.

Action's on you, Dairy Queen.

What's wild again?

Nothing.

Not even threes?

No.

I fold.

So, Mike, what's it like
being married to a writer?

I couldn't tell you. She really
hasn't written anything yet.

Besides a little porn.

Whatever.

She's been at it
for three weeks.

It takes me a month
to read a book.

I should give her at least
that long for to write one.

Well, you're
a better man than me.

Nobody questions that.

My point is

as long as she's doing
this writing nonsense,

you're on your own
to pay the bills.

You know, at some point,
you're gonna have

to give Molly a deadline,
you know?

If she doesn't make any money
at being a writer,

then she's got
to go get a real job.

I guess a deadline
couldn't hurt.

Really?

Are you that stupid?

What?

You're gonna take advice
from a guy who moved out

of his grandma's house
at 37 years old?

Hey, hey, hey,
that woman's got a spa tub.

That's not something
you just walk away from.

Don't listen to any
of these clowns.

They don't know anything
about marriage.

When's the last time any of you
even had a date with a woman?

I know your excuse.

Hey, man, I'm just trying
to give this man some advice.

You want advice?
Keep your mouth shut,

your head down
and thank God every day

that a woman will lay
beside you in bed.

I do like having a
woman lie beside me.

I'm gonna get another drink.

Anybody need anything?

Weren't you wearing
jeans before?

Are those my sweatpants?

I don't think so.

(gasping for air)

That was close.

Close?

He caught you in his bushes.
Yes.

He did, and when he helped
me up, we locked eyes.

And I knew.

And he knew I knew.

And I knew he knew I knew.

Hang on!
He's coming back out.

Let me see.

Oh, God.

All right. Ooh!

He's moving something
into the backyard.

(gasps)
Oh, my God!

What?

Mrs. O'Donnell
bought the farm.

E-I-E-I-O...
we've got you now!

Shouldn't we just
call the cops?

No!

Until we know that his
wife is butchered

and wrapped in
that Hefty bag,

I don't want to jump
to conclusions.

Fine, but if...

if he comes back here
with an ax,

it's every man for himself.

I don't have to outrun him,
I just have to outrun you.

If he thinks a locked gate
is gonna stop us,

he doesn't know
who he's dealing with.

All right, come on.
Wha...?

What are you doing?

I'm gonna boost you over the fence.
What?

Then you can unlock the gate,
and I can get in there.

If I get trapped back there,

what's stopping him
from killing me?

Nothing, but don't
dwell on that.

Come on, let's go.

Oh... (huffs)

All right, we're gonna...

all right,
we're gonna... Ow!

We're gonna go on three...
One...

two... three!

(both yell)

(glass breaks, dog yapping)
Mom!

Mom?

Mom!

JOYCE: Don't worry.
I stuck the landing.

VINCE: At least your wife
had the balls

to say, "Screw you, world.

I'm following my dreams
to be a writer""

I admire that.

Although, bless her heart,
she never told me

a story I wanted
to hear again.

I guess it was easier for me.

Ever since I was a kid,

my dream was to be a policeman.

You know, assuming
the Spider-Man thing

didn't work out.

Being a cop was never my dream.

It's just a job, not my passion.

What is your passion?

Don't.

♪ Turn around

♪ Every now and then

♪ I get a little bit lonely

♪ That you're never
coming 'round. ♪

We get it.
♪ Turn around

♪ Every now and then I get

♪ A little bit tired
of listening... ♪

All right,
Bright Eyes, enough!

I think you a have
a beautiful singing voice.

Heard that all my life.

But having a voice like honey
don't guarantee you money.

I also write my own lyrics.

I escaped genocide.

Pass the dip?

I, too, walked away
from my true calling.

What was that?

Promise you won't laugh?

No.

Screw it, I don't give a damn
what you morons think.

I wanted to be a hairdresser.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

And I was damn good.

Could frame any face
with the perfect do.

Cut, color, style,
the whole shebang.

Why did you give it up?

It was a different time.

People weren't as accepting
as they are now.

I'll never forget the look on
my dad's face when he walked in

on me feathering my
friend Craig's hair.

Damn it, I should've
locked that door!

Wow.

My old man caught me
humping the ottoman.

Yours is much worse.

That was the last time
I ever held a pair of clippers.

Chicago would never know
the full salon experience

of Tints...

by Vince.

Well, my dream was to have

a good group
of supportive friends

and just be one of the guys.

I hope that works out for you.

(dog yapping)

Mom, hurry up!

JOYCE:
The dog's blocking the gate.

Well, then move him!

Fine!

(dog yelping)

Oh!

He's your
problem now.

Oh, my God!
It's his car!

Get out of there, Mom!

It's locked
from the inside!

This whole thing
has been a setup!

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

I know, I know!

What are you doing
with my dog?!

Oh, is this your...?

You better tell me what's going
on or I'm calling the police.

Yeah, why don't you do that?
I'm bet they'd be

very interested to see
what you've got

in the garbage cans
in your backyard.

JOYCE: All I see is a seamstress dummy
and a bunch of purses.

Who the hell is in my backyard?

My mother.

She's digging in my trash?

No, she's digging for the truth.

And I've got a question for you.

Where the hell is your wife?

She's dead.

I knew it!

Everybody knows it.

She passed away over a year ago.

What? What's that?

I was throwing away her stuff

'cause the therapist said
it was time to move on.

That... that's...

that does sound very healthy.

The entire neighborhood
came to the funeral.

You didn't even send a card.

(stammering)

We sent like a stack of cards.

That mailman is shifty.

I don't trust him.

Oh...

You're horrible neighbors!

I'll see you at the block party!

I make a great Ambrosia.

What are you doing?

JOYCE:
These purses are designer.

Grab as many as you can.

Hey, sweetie.
What are you doing?

Oh, you know,
just giving us some privacy.

We don't need these looky-loos
up in our business.

Hey, uh, can I talk
to you for a second?

Why? Did somebody call you?
What?

What? What?
What did you say?

Sit.

Listen, I've been thinking
about something.

Not a lot of people would have
the guts to quit their job

and follow their dreams
like you have.

I'm proud of you.

Aw.

Thank you.

What brought this on?

Nothing, I'm a terrific guy.
(laughs)

Yeah, you are.

And don't worry, I came up
with a great story today.

It's about a caring,
noble woman who comes

to the rescue of her
grief-stricken neighbor.

Hmm.

Does she do it by throwing
her mom over the fence

and stealing
his dead wife's purses?

He called you?

No, he called the precinct.
Ew!