Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 4 - Careful What You Dig For - full transcript
Molly meets her literary idol, J.C. Small (guest star SUSAN SARANDON), a cynic who advises her to write about things in her life that she wouldn't want people to know. Meanwhile, Mike invites his mother over for dinner in an effort to cheer her up.
It's fun going grocery
shopping together.
Yeah, I love this!
You know, you could
have just stayed home
and watched
a football game.
Could I, Molly?
Could I?
Ripped By mstoll
Oh, my God, I think
that's J.C. Small.
Who's J.C. Small?
Janice Corb Small.
She wrote
Misbegotten Summer.
The book defined
my teenage years.
Huh. Mine were defined by
a Pirelli Tire calendar.
It was June before I could
say good-bye to Miss January.
I'm not sure if it's her.
She's a bit of a recluse.
J. C!
(WHISPERING) Did she look?
Did she look?
I wasn't watching.
We got a hinky wheel.
It wants to go left every time.
See? Look.
Shh. Shh-shh! Come here.
Is that who you're
talking about?
Stop pointing! What are
you doing? Come here.
Okay, should I go in
and say something to her?
You'll regret it if you don't.
I peed next to Mike Ditka
at Taste of Chicago.
All I could do was stare
at his Super Bowl ring.
I think I kind
of creeped him out.
I'm going.
I'm gonna go for it.
Oh, vodka, vodka,
vodka, huh?
So many choices of vodka.
Oh! Have you ever had
this brand?
I've had 'em all.
Do you have a favorite brand?
I love 'em all equally.
I know who you are! (LAUGHS)
- Terrific.
- Yeah.
- See ya.
- Yeah, see ya.
Wait, wait, wait, Ms. Small,
I have to tell you
that Misbegotten Summer
changed my life.
Well, thank you.
That's very kind.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Could you get
your hand off my cart?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Ah!
Yeah, since I have you,
can I just ask if you have
any little piece of advice
for an aspiring writer?
Mm! Uh...
Sure. Grow up in a household
of abusive alcoholics.
God, my mom's kind
of a happy drunk!
Well, give her time.
We all start off happy.
You know what? If you
really want to be a writer,
maybe you should
just go home and write.
Go home and write. Wow,
it's so simple, it's profound.
Yeah, yeah.
- Wow. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- You're so welcome.
- Yeah.
Move.
I will.
Thank you.
Oh! My cart does the same thing!
It does!
Did you see that?
Did you see this?
Free cheese!
♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Now this'll just take a minute.
I want to
make sure my mom's okay.
Well, why wouldn't she be?
One of her bingo friends died
yesterday.
That's sad.
Yeah, she just won
a HoneyBaked ham, too.
Well, she went out
a winner.
What?
What do you mean, "What"
You don't return my calls.
I'm worried about you.
Nothing to be worried about.
Come on in. I got ham.
Mm. I do love bingo ham.
Why is it so dark in here?
I'm practicing
for when I'm dead.
Ma, don't be that way.
Nobody gets out
of here alive, Mikey!
She's fine.
Here. Eat it before it rots.
Afate that awaits us all.
So true, so true.
- You got mustard?
- Carl!
Ma, you can't give in
to this depression.
I know you miss your friend.
Friend? I couldn't stand
that godless whore.
Well, if you hated her so much,
why are you upset?
Sat next to her
at bingo for 12 years.
Never had a kind word
to say to each other.
Last night, right before
she died, she took my hand,
looked into my eyes
and said, "You're next."
Well, I'm sure she didn't mean
anything by it.
Really? That sounded
kind of specific to me.
Carl!
Why don't you come over
for dinner on Sunday?
It'll cheer you up.
(SCOFFS) Those people are aawul.
What time?
Well, there's a cry for help.
JANICE: Hang on, Calvin!
I got some
other bottles for you!
Oh, you're not
my homeless guy.
No, I'm not.
I'm Molly from yesterday.
The supermarket.
You told me to go away
and leave you alone.
How the hell did you find out
where I live?
Well, I may have
followed you home,
but not in a stalkery way.
Like a kind of "I'm your
biggest fan!" kind of way.
Which is a little stalkery,
but I'm just gonna, I'm gonna
stop saying stalkery.
So wait, wait! Come on!
I took your advice.
I stayed up all night writing,
and I just want you to take
a look at it and tell me
if I'm wasting my time!
You're wasting
your time.
- Oh! God!
- Get your foot out!
You ruined my system.
Come on. I know
it's a lot to ask,
but I just want
to be able to say one thing
to try to convince you that
I really want to be a writer.
One thing.
That's the thing.
Is this really
necessary?
After I saw the pitiful state
your mom was in,
I got worried.
- Grandma!
- ♪ (MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE HOUSE)
That music's aawul loud.
I mean, if she fell
or had a heart attack,
nobody could hear
her yell for help.
- Take it easy.
- You take it easy.
Last time we talked,
it was a fight.
Last time you talked
to anybody, it was a fight!
Grandma!
Can I help you?
What is going on?
I'm out here knocking
like a crazy person.
Sorry, we saw
the police car.
We didn't know
it was you.
"We" who?
Some members
of our sister church
are visiting from Uganda.
And damn if those Africans
don't know how to party.
Party? It's 11:00 a.m.
Not in Africa.
Let's go, Carl. Bye, Nana.
Enjoy your party.
Okay.
Oh... this is awkward.
Samuel, what the hell
are you doing here?
Come on in, child.
I got a lot of good
Christian African girls
waiting to meet you.
I love your grandmother.
How are you gonna
invite him to the party
but not your own grandson?
I like him better.
Huh...
Is that like a Hmm?
Or like a Huh!
I'm gonnajust stop.
You...
I'm gonna let you read.
- I'm done.
- And?
I loved it.
- No!
- Oh, yeah.
Your use of language
is a cross between
Virginia Woolf
and early Dean Koontz.
I knew it. Oh, my God,
what do I do now?
I mean, do I get an agent?
Oh, I gotta get a publisher.
No, you don't have
to do anything.
With writing that good,
they're gonna find you.
Oh, my God!
That's awesome!
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
I want a big, big thank you
on that dedication page.
- Okay.
- All right?
- Okay.
- All right.
All right. Bye.
You're not just saying
it's good to get rid of me?
No.
Okay, I am not leaving
until you give me
your honest opinion.
You don't want it.
I gave up everything
to be a writer.
Ooh!
Okay, it can't be that bad.
Did you read it?
Of course I read it. I wrote it.
Well, that's the problem, you
wrote it. You didn't live it.
There's nothing real
in those pages. Nothing.
Are you kidding?
What could be more real
than a young Punjabi boy
struggling in the slums
of Mumbai?
The opening paragraph was the
worst writing I've ever read.
If I could gouge out my eyeballs
and stuff them up my ass
so I never had
to read those words again,
I would do so.
So are you, are you saying
cut the first,
cut the first paragraph?
I am saying...
Oh, God, it drives me crazy,
people that think they're
writers just 'cause
they have a fancy laptop
and a cushy seat in Starbucks.
Hey, for your information,
my laptop is running
Windows '95.
And I wrote this at
my mom's kitchen table
because I still live with her.
How old are you?
Like, early, middle-late,
late-early 30s.
And you are still living
with your mother?
Not in a weird way.
I'm with my husband and her
husband and my sister.
Well, for God's sake,
forget about Mumbai!
Write about your own
pathetic life.
Right! God, you're good!
I mean, I got tons of pathetic!
You've gotta dig deep.
You know, people say that
you should write about
what you know,
but that's bull.
You want to write what
you don't want people to know.
Okay, hang on, hang on.
- "Don't want..."
- Want people to know.
- People to know.
- "...people to know."
That's right. So I don't want
to see your face again
untill you bring me something
deep, something good,
something real,
and a bigger bottle of vodka.
Okay, so no, no face,
bigger bottle.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Write. Write.
- Right. Oh, right.
- Write.
- Okay.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Actually... I'm sorry.
I don't know how this got in there,
but it's...
I didn't think you were
gonna let me...
- Get out!
- Okay.
It was amazing.
She completely dismantled me.
Just tore me down.
And the next minute,
built me right back up.
You know, it takes them six
months to do that to a Marine.
She did it to me
in one bottle of vodka.
So she likes your story?
No, hated it with every fiber
of her being.
Okay, I'm confused.
Why are you happy?
Because she told me exactly
what I have to do
to become a better writer.
I have to dig deeper.
Where?
Here and here.
And all up in here.
Don't you ever wonder why we
still live with my mother?
Every day.
(SIGHS) I mean, I used to think
it was because we couldn't
afford a place of our own.
Well, we can't.
You quit yourjob and we have
a ton of credit card debt.
I'm talking emotionally.
Numbers mean nothing.
It's six maxed-out cards.
That's about 80 grand
away from nothing.
Well, I...
I need to start asking
the hard questions.
I mean, why am
I still in O. A?
Why is Victoria a pothead?
And whatever really happened
to weird Uncle Frankie?
You had a weird Uncle Frankie?
I had a weird Uncle Frankie.
Oh! Yeah, mine had a wonky eye
and drove this
beat-up old Cadillac.
So did mine.
- Okay, that's enough questions...
- Yeah.
♪ (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
I love this Zumba.
Doesn't feel like a workout.
It's more like we're
dancing at a club.
All that's missing is
a coked-up Persian
trying to give me
a ride home.
Hey, sweetie.
Care to get your
Merengue on?
Not really, I got a
lot on my mind right now.
Want to talk about it?
Yeah, actually, I do.
Think that could be
really helpful.
Okay, uh...
I've been, I've been thinking a
lot about my childhood lately.
What the hell you
doing that for?
Because when your mentor tells
you to "dig deep,"
by God, you dig deep.
And... dig deep.
Well, for the most part
you were a happy kid.
Yeah? Really?
Well, almost too happy.
For a while there we thought
you were one of those slow kids.
Always smiling,
hugging strangers.
You'd sit in the backyard
for hours just eating dirt.
You let me eat dirt?
Like dirt dirt?
The body knows what it needs.
The thing I feel really bad
about is the dog.
- Monroe?
- Yeah.
We got rid of him
'cause we thought
he was the one making
all the holes in the yard.
You told me he
got hit by a car.
Well, if I said he was
living on a farm,
you'd want to go visit him.
Well, then, who did
we bury in the box?
That horrible doll that wouldn't
quit asking for its mama.
You killed
Sleepy Time Baby Girl?
Hey, Ma.
You feeling better today?
I put the potatoes in the
oven and not my head.
So there's that.
There's that great
suicide-based sense of humor.
I'll go heat these up.
Hey!
Mother Biggs.
What's going on?
My friend died.
You had a friend?
My condolences.
Bit of a cold snap
we're having, huh?
Don't feel you need to make
conversation on my account.
Good, 'cause that kind
of tapped me out.
The more I dig,
the clearer it becomes.
My mother ruined my childhood.
What are you talking about?
You turned out fine.
Yeah, did I, Mike?
Did I?
I was gonna say yes,
but you asked twice.
So now I'm rethinking my answer.
I thought you wanted to
dig up some dirt.
I did. But I didn't think
I'd be the one eating it.
I mean, who knows what else
she's been lying about?
I mean, she told me
I had to quit tap-dancing
after I got my period
because she said
it would scramble my ovaries.
Is that true?
I don't know!
I don't know anything anymore.
I mean, I don't know, am I even
really allergic to mushrooms?
- I... Probably not, here.
- Well, I...
No, nothing.
No, I'm getting it.
Do you need a Benadryl
or something?
(WHEEZING)
Here, here, here,
here, here, here.
Down, down, down, down.
(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)
Okay, okay, okay!
Okay, everybody.
Let's eat.
Dear Lord.
We thank you for
this wonderful bounty.
Tonight I ask that you
hold me in your grace
and not judge me because
of the company I keep.
Amen.
Can you pass the rolls?
Yeah, sure, can you tell me
who my real father was?
What are you talking about?
Look at us, okay?
One of these things
is not like the other.
So, who's the mutt, Mom?
Is her father on the
farm with Monroe?
Or weird Uncle Frankie?
My brother Frankie?
Different Frankie, Ma.
Let it go.
- Mom, what's she talking about?
- I have no idea.
I was faithful
to your father.
That sweet angel was cold
in the ground
before I got back on that horse.
Yeah, or under it.
Hey! I was still a young woman.
What was I supposed to do,
put a cork in it?
I saw that once in Tijuana.
Pass the green beans.
And what about my issues
with food?
Or the-the fact
that I still live here?
Or my poor choices in men?
- Hey!
- Not you.
The chorus line
of gay guys before you.
Okay, that's fair.
Okay, it all traces back
to one little redhead.
Who I don't look like,
and neither does she.
Are you my mother?
Oh, shut up!
No, we're not gonna shut up!
We've been silent too long!
The only time you've been silent
is when you had dirt in your mouth.
Why'd you think I let you
eat half the backyard?
Because you were drunk!
'Cause you were
a pain in the ass!
Yeah, did you ever ask why?
You want to know why?
Screw you, that's why!
You threw a roll at me?
Couldn't reach the potatoes!
Yeah? Well, let me help you!
Hey, hey, hey!
I haven't had any yet.
Oh! What did I do?
You married her and you won't
get her out of the house!
- So, she's horrible with money!
- Hey!
You stay out of this!
Well, what about me?
I'm part of this family, too!
- Aren't I?
- Shut up!
Oh, my...
Damn it, I choose life!
Ah!
Help!
God, it was aawul.
My whole family hates me.
Mm... Congratulations.
That's the first step
in becoming a real writer.
I haven't talked
to my family in four books.
Oh, that's so sad.
No, it's much better to be loved
by millions of readers
than six people who happened
to fall out of the same vagina.
- Big family.
- Big vagina.
Yeah, I just, you know,
the thing is I...
I kind of love my family.
I thought you wanted
to be a writer?
Oh, I do.
Well, then this is
your new family.
It may not have
much personality,
but it won't molest you
when you get your boobies.
Oh, God!
Sorry.
That's all right, I mean,
everybody's got
a weird uncle, right?
I don't know, I'm just
not really that comfortable
airing my family's
dirty laundry.
Aw... You know what?
We don't have
to talk about it anymore.
I mean, you've had
a pretty rough day.
- Yeah.
- You should just relax.
(LAUGHS)
You got potato
in your hair still.
Oh, I know.
Oh, my God.
Look at that.
Look at that sweet face.
Oh, my.
There it is.
- Little dimples there!
- Yup, yup.
Look at that...
Yes, thank you.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Well, you know,
if you wanted to clean up,
we could take a bath.
You know, the thing is
I'm really,
kind of a home showerer.
♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO)
You know, Flynn, I think
that you have real potential.
I'm feeling like
you've got those...
- hungry eyes, yeah.
- Oh.
- You know...
- It's getting...
Sh... Sh...
pretty late and
I don't want to...
I don't want to put you out
or anything...
Just don't talk.
- I...
- Do not talk.
Oh, gosh, am I...
am I in your chair?
There we go, that's...
that's better.
Now, I know
why you followed me
home the other day.
Oh, God, I should...
I should be getting back
to my police officer husband
- who knows exactly where I am.
- (LAUGHS)
No, I think you should
just stay right here.
And I'm gonna run up and
get us a couple of kimonos.
Oh!
I like to get that
out of the way.
Nope.
Ripped By mstoll
(ENGLISH US - SDH)
shopping together.
Yeah, I love this!
You know, you could
have just stayed home
and watched
a football game.
Could I, Molly?
Could I?
Ripped By mstoll
Oh, my God, I think
that's J.C. Small.
Who's J.C. Small?
Janice Corb Small.
She wrote
Misbegotten Summer.
The book defined
my teenage years.
Huh. Mine were defined by
a Pirelli Tire calendar.
It was June before I could
say good-bye to Miss January.
I'm not sure if it's her.
She's a bit of a recluse.
J. C!
(WHISPERING) Did she look?
Did she look?
I wasn't watching.
We got a hinky wheel.
It wants to go left every time.
See? Look.
Shh. Shh-shh! Come here.
Is that who you're
talking about?
Stop pointing! What are
you doing? Come here.
Okay, should I go in
and say something to her?
You'll regret it if you don't.
I peed next to Mike Ditka
at Taste of Chicago.
All I could do was stare
at his Super Bowl ring.
I think I kind
of creeped him out.
I'm going.
I'm gonna go for it.
Oh, vodka, vodka,
vodka, huh?
So many choices of vodka.
Oh! Have you ever had
this brand?
I've had 'em all.
Do you have a favorite brand?
I love 'em all equally.
I know who you are! (LAUGHS)
- Terrific.
- Yeah.
- See ya.
- Yeah, see ya.
Wait, wait, wait, Ms. Small,
I have to tell you
that Misbegotten Summer
changed my life.
Well, thank you.
That's very kind.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Could you get
your hand off my cart?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Ah!
Yeah, since I have you,
can I just ask if you have
any little piece of advice
for an aspiring writer?
Mm! Uh...
Sure. Grow up in a household
of abusive alcoholics.
God, my mom's kind
of a happy drunk!
Well, give her time.
We all start off happy.
You know what? If you
really want to be a writer,
maybe you should
just go home and write.
Go home and write. Wow,
it's so simple, it's profound.
Yeah, yeah.
- Wow. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- You're so welcome.
- Yeah.
Move.
I will.
Thank you.
Oh! My cart does the same thing!
It does!
Did you see that?
Did you see this?
Free cheese!
♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Now this'll just take a minute.
I want to
make sure my mom's okay.
Well, why wouldn't she be?
One of her bingo friends died
yesterday.
That's sad.
Yeah, she just won
a HoneyBaked ham, too.
Well, she went out
a winner.
What?
What do you mean, "What"
You don't return my calls.
I'm worried about you.
Nothing to be worried about.
Come on in. I got ham.
Mm. I do love bingo ham.
Why is it so dark in here?
I'm practicing
for when I'm dead.
Ma, don't be that way.
Nobody gets out
of here alive, Mikey!
She's fine.
Here. Eat it before it rots.
Afate that awaits us all.
So true, so true.
- You got mustard?
- Carl!
Ma, you can't give in
to this depression.
I know you miss your friend.
Friend? I couldn't stand
that godless whore.
Well, if you hated her so much,
why are you upset?
Sat next to her
at bingo for 12 years.
Never had a kind word
to say to each other.
Last night, right before
she died, she took my hand,
looked into my eyes
and said, "You're next."
Well, I'm sure she didn't mean
anything by it.
Really? That sounded
kind of specific to me.
Carl!
Why don't you come over
for dinner on Sunday?
It'll cheer you up.
(SCOFFS) Those people are aawul.
What time?
Well, there's a cry for help.
JANICE: Hang on, Calvin!
I got some
other bottles for you!
Oh, you're not
my homeless guy.
No, I'm not.
I'm Molly from yesterday.
The supermarket.
You told me to go away
and leave you alone.
How the hell did you find out
where I live?
Well, I may have
followed you home,
but not in a stalkery way.
Like a kind of "I'm your
biggest fan!" kind of way.
Which is a little stalkery,
but I'm just gonna, I'm gonna
stop saying stalkery.
So wait, wait! Come on!
I took your advice.
I stayed up all night writing,
and I just want you to take
a look at it and tell me
if I'm wasting my time!
You're wasting
your time.
- Oh! God!
- Get your foot out!
You ruined my system.
Come on. I know
it's a lot to ask,
but I just want
to be able to say one thing
to try to convince you that
I really want to be a writer.
One thing.
That's the thing.
Is this really
necessary?
After I saw the pitiful state
your mom was in,
I got worried.
- Grandma!
- ♪ (MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE HOUSE)
That music's aawul loud.
I mean, if she fell
or had a heart attack,
nobody could hear
her yell for help.
- Take it easy.
- You take it easy.
Last time we talked,
it was a fight.
Last time you talked
to anybody, it was a fight!
Grandma!
Can I help you?
What is going on?
I'm out here knocking
like a crazy person.
Sorry, we saw
the police car.
We didn't know
it was you.
"We" who?
Some members
of our sister church
are visiting from Uganda.
And damn if those Africans
don't know how to party.
Party? It's 11:00 a.m.
Not in Africa.
Let's go, Carl. Bye, Nana.
Enjoy your party.
Okay.
Oh... this is awkward.
Samuel, what the hell
are you doing here?
Come on in, child.
I got a lot of good
Christian African girls
waiting to meet you.
I love your grandmother.
How are you gonna
invite him to the party
but not your own grandson?
I like him better.
Huh...
Is that like a Hmm?
Or like a Huh!
I'm gonnajust stop.
You...
I'm gonna let you read.
- I'm done.
- And?
I loved it.
- No!
- Oh, yeah.
Your use of language
is a cross between
Virginia Woolf
and early Dean Koontz.
I knew it. Oh, my God,
what do I do now?
I mean, do I get an agent?
Oh, I gotta get a publisher.
No, you don't have
to do anything.
With writing that good,
they're gonna find you.
Oh, my God!
That's awesome!
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
I want a big, big thank you
on that dedication page.
- Okay.
- All right?
- Okay.
- All right.
All right. Bye.
You're not just saying
it's good to get rid of me?
No.
Okay, I am not leaving
until you give me
your honest opinion.
You don't want it.
I gave up everything
to be a writer.
Ooh!
Okay, it can't be that bad.
Did you read it?
Of course I read it. I wrote it.
Well, that's the problem, you
wrote it. You didn't live it.
There's nothing real
in those pages. Nothing.
Are you kidding?
What could be more real
than a young Punjabi boy
struggling in the slums
of Mumbai?
The opening paragraph was the
worst writing I've ever read.
If I could gouge out my eyeballs
and stuff them up my ass
so I never had
to read those words again,
I would do so.
So are you, are you saying
cut the first,
cut the first paragraph?
I am saying...
Oh, God, it drives me crazy,
people that think they're
writers just 'cause
they have a fancy laptop
and a cushy seat in Starbucks.
Hey, for your information,
my laptop is running
Windows '95.
And I wrote this at
my mom's kitchen table
because I still live with her.
How old are you?
Like, early, middle-late,
late-early 30s.
And you are still living
with your mother?
Not in a weird way.
I'm with my husband and her
husband and my sister.
Well, for God's sake,
forget about Mumbai!
Write about your own
pathetic life.
Right! God, you're good!
I mean, I got tons of pathetic!
You've gotta dig deep.
You know, people say that
you should write about
what you know,
but that's bull.
You want to write what
you don't want people to know.
Okay, hang on, hang on.
- "Don't want..."
- Want people to know.
- People to know.
- "...people to know."
That's right. So I don't want
to see your face again
untill you bring me something
deep, something good,
something real,
and a bigger bottle of vodka.
Okay, so no, no face,
bigger bottle.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Write. Write.
- Right. Oh, right.
- Write.
- Okay.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Actually... I'm sorry.
I don't know how this got in there,
but it's...
I didn't think you were
gonna let me...
- Get out!
- Okay.
It was amazing.
She completely dismantled me.
Just tore me down.
And the next minute,
built me right back up.
You know, it takes them six
months to do that to a Marine.
She did it to me
in one bottle of vodka.
So she likes your story?
No, hated it with every fiber
of her being.
Okay, I'm confused.
Why are you happy?
Because she told me exactly
what I have to do
to become a better writer.
I have to dig deeper.
Where?
Here and here.
And all up in here.
Don't you ever wonder why we
still live with my mother?
Every day.
(SIGHS) I mean, I used to think
it was because we couldn't
afford a place of our own.
Well, we can't.
You quit yourjob and we have
a ton of credit card debt.
I'm talking emotionally.
Numbers mean nothing.
It's six maxed-out cards.
That's about 80 grand
away from nothing.
Well, I...
I need to start asking
the hard questions.
I mean, why am
I still in O. A?
Why is Victoria a pothead?
And whatever really happened
to weird Uncle Frankie?
You had a weird Uncle Frankie?
I had a weird Uncle Frankie.
Oh! Yeah, mine had a wonky eye
and drove this
beat-up old Cadillac.
So did mine.
- Okay, that's enough questions...
- Yeah.
♪ (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
I love this Zumba.
Doesn't feel like a workout.
It's more like we're
dancing at a club.
All that's missing is
a coked-up Persian
trying to give me
a ride home.
Hey, sweetie.
Care to get your
Merengue on?
Not really, I got a
lot on my mind right now.
Want to talk about it?
Yeah, actually, I do.
Think that could be
really helpful.
Okay, uh...
I've been, I've been thinking a
lot about my childhood lately.
What the hell you
doing that for?
Because when your mentor tells
you to "dig deep,"
by God, you dig deep.
And... dig deep.
Well, for the most part
you were a happy kid.
Yeah? Really?
Well, almost too happy.
For a while there we thought
you were one of those slow kids.
Always smiling,
hugging strangers.
You'd sit in the backyard
for hours just eating dirt.
You let me eat dirt?
Like dirt dirt?
The body knows what it needs.
The thing I feel really bad
about is the dog.
- Monroe?
- Yeah.
We got rid of him
'cause we thought
he was the one making
all the holes in the yard.
You told me he
got hit by a car.
Well, if I said he was
living on a farm,
you'd want to go visit him.
Well, then, who did
we bury in the box?
That horrible doll that wouldn't
quit asking for its mama.
You killed
Sleepy Time Baby Girl?
Hey, Ma.
You feeling better today?
I put the potatoes in the
oven and not my head.
So there's that.
There's that great
suicide-based sense of humor.
I'll go heat these up.
Hey!
Mother Biggs.
What's going on?
My friend died.
You had a friend?
My condolences.
Bit of a cold snap
we're having, huh?
Don't feel you need to make
conversation on my account.
Good, 'cause that kind
of tapped me out.
The more I dig,
the clearer it becomes.
My mother ruined my childhood.
What are you talking about?
You turned out fine.
Yeah, did I, Mike?
Did I?
I was gonna say yes,
but you asked twice.
So now I'm rethinking my answer.
I thought you wanted to
dig up some dirt.
I did. But I didn't think
I'd be the one eating it.
I mean, who knows what else
she's been lying about?
I mean, she told me
I had to quit tap-dancing
after I got my period
because she said
it would scramble my ovaries.
Is that true?
I don't know!
I don't know anything anymore.
I mean, I don't know, am I even
really allergic to mushrooms?
- I... Probably not, here.
- Well, I...
No, nothing.
No, I'm getting it.
Do you need a Benadryl
or something?
(WHEEZING)
Here, here, here,
here, here, here.
Down, down, down, down.
(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)
Okay, okay, okay!
Okay, everybody.
Let's eat.
Dear Lord.
We thank you for
this wonderful bounty.
Tonight I ask that you
hold me in your grace
and not judge me because
of the company I keep.
Amen.
Can you pass the rolls?
Yeah, sure, can you tell me
who my real father was?
What are you talking about?
Look at us, okay?
One of these things
is not like the other.
So, who's the mutt, Mom?
Is her father on the
farm with Monroe?
Or weird Uncle Frankie?
My brother Frankie?
Different Frankie, Ma.
Let it go.
- Mom, what's she talking about?
- I have no idea.
I was faithful
to your father.
That sweet angel was cold
in the ground
before I got back on that horse.
Yeah, or under it.
Hey! I was still a young woman.
What was I supposed to do,
put a cork in it?
I saw that once in Tijuana.
Pass the green beans.
And what about my issues
with food?
Or the-the fact
that I still live here?
Or my poor choices in men?
- Hey!
- Not you.
The chorus line
of gay guys before you.
Okay, that's fair.
Okay, it all traces back
to one little redhead.
Who I don't look like,
and neither does she.
Are you my mother?
Oh, shut up!
No, we're not gonna shut up!
We've been silent too long!
The only time you've been silent
is when you had dirt in your mouth.
Why'd you think I let you
eat half the backyard?
Because you were drunk!
'Cause you were
a pain in the ass!
Yeah, did you ever ask why?
You want to know why?
Screw you, that's why!
You threw a roll at me?
Couldn't reach the potatoes!
Yeah? Well, let me help you!
Hey, hey, hey!
I haven't had any yet.
Oh! What did I do?
You married her and you won't
get her out of the house!
- So, she's horrible with money!
- Hey!
You stay out of this!
Well, what about me?
I'm part of this family, too!
- Aren't I?
- Shut up!
Oh, my...
Damn it, I choose life!
Ah!
Help!
God, it was aawul.
My whole family hates me.
Mm... Congratulations.
That's the first step
in becoming a real writer.
I haven't talked
to my family in four books.
Oh, that's so sad.
No, it's much better to be loved
by millions of readers
than six people who happened
to fall out of the same vagina.
- Big family.
- Big vagina.
Yeah, I just, you know,
the thing is I...
I kind of love my family.
I thought you wanted
to be a writer?
Oh, I do.
Well, then this is
your new family.
It may not have
much personality,
but it won't molest you
when you get your boobies.
Oh, God!
Sorry.
That's all right, I mean,
everybody's got
a weird uncle, right?
I don't know, I'm just
not really that comfortable
airing my family's
dirty laundry.
Aw... You know what?
We don't have
to talk about it anymore.
I mean, you've had
a pretty rough day.
- Yeah.
- You should just relax.
(LAUGHS)
You got potato
in your hair still.
Oh, I know.
Oh, my God.
Look at that.
Look at that sweet face.
Oh, my.
There it is.
- Little dimples there!
- Yup, yup.
Look at that...
Yes, thank you.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Well, you know,
if you wanted to clean up,
we could take a bath.
You know, the thing is
I'm really,
kind of a home showerer.
♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO)
You know, Flynn, I think
that you have real potential.
I'm feeling like
you've got those...
- hungry eyes, yeah.
- Oh.
- You know...
- It's getting...
Sh... Sh...
pretty late and
I don't want to...
I don't want to put you out
or anything...
Just don't talk.
- I...
- Do not talk.
Oh, gosh, am I...
am I in your chair?
There we go, that's...
that's better.
Now, I know
why you followed me
home the other day.
Oh, God, I should...
I should be getting back
to my police officer husband
- who knows exactly where I am.
- (LAUGHS)
No, I think you should
just stay right here.
And I'm gonna run up and
get us a couple of kimonos.
Oh!
I like to get that
out of the way.
Nope.
Ripped By mstoll
(ENGLISH US - SDH)