Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 3 - Sex and Death - full transcript
Molly has a "mind blowing" experience when she visits Victoria's workplace, a funeral home. Meanwhile, Mike sneaks a peek at Molly's racy writing when she's out of the house.
Previously on Mike and Molly...
Molly is a writer now.
PEGGY (CHUCKLING):
Oh.
Why didn't you say so?
Let me clear a spot in my bookcase.
Ripped By mstoll
You know, it just so happens that
there are a lot of regular women,
just like me, who have written
best-selling books.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- That's it, we're doing this.
- Make your move, come on.
I'll give you one swing.
No, no, come on, nobody's fighting!
Hey. What you writing?
Oh, just experimenting
with a short story.
Really? I like short stories 'cause,
you know, they're short.
Can I take a look?
Oh, no, no. It's not ready
for public consumption.
Oh, come on. I showed you that poem
I wrote about the Chicago Bears.
Yeah, I remember.
"The Hall of Fame will admitcha,
if you listen to Coach Ditka."
I wonder if he ever got it.
So, can you at least tell
me what the story's about?
Uh, let's see. It's about
a man and a woman and
the day-to-day stuff they go through.
- That's it?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, is it at least sexy?
Sexy? No. Pfft!
Okay. Well, when you're ready,
I would love to read it.
You got it.
- Okay. Love you.
- Love you, too.
By the way, I know it's sexy.
Pfft! What are you talking about?
Because in all the time
I have known you,
you have never once gone "pfft!"
What? Pfft! I just did it.
I do it all the time.
Ridiculous. Pfft!
(PHONE RINGS)
(SIGHS)
Oh.
Hey, Victoria.
Yeah, we're still on for happy hour.
I don't know, a vodka tonic?
It's 8:00 in the morning.
Do I really have to decide now?
Okay, listen,
I'm working. I gotta go.
Bye. Bye.
Bye.
Okay. Let's get this party started.
(LOUD BEEP)
(BEEP)
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
(BEEP)
(BEEP)
(BEEP)
All right, I get it. I get it.
We hear you.
(BEEP)
All right, we hear you!
(BEEP)
You want to be a piñata?
Worst piñata ever.
(BEEP)
(BEEP)
Ha! Yeah. Huh?
(BEEP)
Shut you up,
shut up, shut up.
Stop moving.
Stop moving!
Yeah, you...
(GRUNTS)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
I wish there was blood.
(BEEP)
Oh, you son of a bitch.
Where are you?
(BEEP)
Where are you?
(BEEP)
Now ask your friend in the
kitchen how this is gonna end!
(BEEP)
(BEEP)
(BEEP)
See what you did?
♪ (THEME MUSIC)
(CAN SPRAYING)
There you go.
No more embarrassing bald spots.
Victoria.
Yeah, I'm not done yet.
Come on in.
Not a chance.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Beg to differ.
Oh, don't be a baby.
Get in here.
(SIGHS) Fine.
I'm in.
Why are you looking
up at the ceiling?
Because there are
no dead people up there.
Well, you're gonna be
looking up there for a while
'cause I need like another hour.
Are you kidding? Oh, God!
Why didn't you call me?
Sorry. I got caught up
trying to plug the holes
in that drug dealer's head.
I might just put a hat on him.
Maybe a do-rag.
(YELLS) Oh, God.
Covering your eyes? Really?
Yes, I prefer not to have the images
of death seared into my brain.
Do you want to see a brain?
No. No!
Are you sure?
'Cause I got one here right in ajar.
No, no, I'll wait for you
in the car. Oh!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Sorry. Oh!
MIKE: Hello? Anybody home?
Molly?
Oh. "Mike, having a drink with
Victoria. See you later. M."
Well, I guess it's just me.
It is just me, right?
Oh, this is wrong.
This is so wrong.
(IMITATING TWEETY):
I am a bad puddy tat.
Huh.
Okay, password protected. Smart.
"Mike and Molly."
And I'm in.
"The Story of M."
"The warmth of his excitement
awoke something inside her.
Something animal."
"Pfft," my ass.
"She reached back
with her eager hand
and greedily sought
his turgid girth."
Girth, I know.
Turgid, I'm not so sure about.
No, that's enough.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I could really
use that drink about now.
Almost done.
You said that three bodies ago.
Come on in.
You can keep me company.
I can't. Sorry.
Sure you can.
You just got to do this
one step at a time.
(GROANS) Here. Look at
Mrs. Kilgallon.
I don't want to.
Just look at her.
She was a nice old lady
who died peacefully in her sleep.
So, no bullet holes?
Well, just a tramp stamp,
believe it or not.
All right, I'll look.
Ooh-hoo, ooh.
Ooh-hoo, ooh.
Look, I'm looking.
(GIGGLES)
See? Nothing to be scared of.
Nope. You're right.
(CONTINUES NERVOUS GIGGLING)
Do you want to touch her?
No, I couldn't, no.
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
She doesn't mind.
I mind, I mind.
Why are you giggling?
I don't know.
But I can't stop.
Just give her a little poke.
Poke?
No, no poking, can't poke.
This will be great for your writing.
You're always saying you
want to experience new things
so that you can describe them.
Ugh, I did say that, didn't I?
Okay.
Ooh. Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
(GIGGLES)
Ooh! Ooh!
I did it. I touched her.
I touched a dead lady. Ooh.
See? It's no big deal.
Actually, she's a lot colder
than I thought she'd be.
It's like touching bologna.
That reminds me, I got some
cold cuts in the fridge. You hungry?
Ooh. Oh, God,
she opened her eyes.
Look-it, she opened her eyes!
Calm down.
Sometimes this happens.
Oh. Aah!
Bologna. Aah!
"He was helpless,
his hands bound behind his back
while her hungry mouth
greedily enveloped his sw..."
- Yo, big guy.
- (YELLS) Oh, nothing!
What you doing?
Just grabbing a bite.
(CHUCKLES)
Molly's not home, nobody's home,
I didn't do anything.
That Molly's laptop?
Yeah, I believe that is.
She's pretty private
about what's on there.
You're not reading it, are you?
No. Pfft.
All right.
See you in the morning.
- Night.
- Night.
- Mike.
- Nothing!
(QUIETLY):
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. Oh, God.
You okay?
Well, I'd kill for some Purell.
Sorry Mrs. Kilgallon
gave you the hairy eyeball.
I don't know how you
can do this for a living.
Oh, it's like anything.
You get used to it.
Yeah, but doesn't it
make you a little sad?
Sometimes, sure.
But over the years,
you find little ways to cope.
- Like what?
- Like marijuana.
Want some?
No, that's not my thing.
You sure? Just a little toke
to take the edge off.
- No.
- We were gonna go drinking.
This is just a different approach
to solving the same problem.
What problem?
Life, baby.
Okay, fine. Fire it up.
I should tell you,
the last time I smoked pot
was in college and it didn't
have much effect on me.
Who's a dead person?
You're a dead person.
Oh, yes, you are.
Oh, yes, you are.
(BOTH CACKLING)
"He grabbed a fistful
of her chestnut hair
and dragged her
to the bay window
where the entire town
could see her surrender.
She had no choice.
She was a slave
to his tumescent length."
Yikes.
Who'd have thought
your meek little wife
knew 50 different words for boner?
She went to college.
You know, your vocabulary expands.
"Expands." That's funny.
It's wild.
Her diary's nowhere near this dirty.
You read her diary?
You hacked her computer.
We all have blood on our hands.
All right, all right.
The question is, what do I do now?
I know what I'd do.
I'd study this thing
like it was the Talmud.
What?
Your wife just handed you
an erogenous road map
to her protected wetlands.
Use it.
No.
I'm not really
the "kinky, tie 'em up,
put things where they
don't belong" kind of guy.
Well, this isn't about you.
It's about Molly wanting
to try new things.
I mean, how would you
like it if someone
served you the same stack
of pancakes every morning?
Are you kidding?
That's his fantasy.
You just made his stomach turgid.
What I'm saying is,
you might have to step outside
your comfort zone
to please your wife.
Aw.
That's why Joyce and I
are so compatible.
I will wear, eat or do anything.
- Anything.
- Aah!
You got to go easy on the blush.
Relatives hate it
when grandma looks like a whore.
You know, the last time
I was at a funeral was Dad's.
That was a while back.
Yeah, I was eight.
I kept, I kept hoping that he was
gonna sit up and yell, "Surprise."
And he didn't.
No, he didn't.
I don't remember any of that.
Well, sweetie, you were three.
You remember him at all?
Not really.
Just the smell of beer
and Hai Karate and smoke.
But that could've been Mom.
You would have liked him.
He was really funny
and sweet-tempered.
He was like a...
he was like a giant teddy bear.
Sounds like Mike.
Huh.
How about that.
Well, the good news is
I'm clearly not freaked-out
by any of this
dead business anymore.
Good.
Then I think you're ready for this.
You ever seen balls
this big in your life?
I'm gonna need more pot.
(SPORTS ON TV)
Mmm. Aw.
Gentlemen.
Hey, I thought you were
staying in tonight.
Yeah, well,
Molly's out with her sister
so I thought maybe I'd join you boys.
Can I get a round for my friends?
What?
Everything okay?
Yeah, it's all good. Why?
Y-You called us friends,
and you're buying.
Very funny.
I see the Eagles are running
that new offense, huh?
I don't know why you would go and
change something that's working.
Well, there is wisdom
in mixing things up
so the defense
can't predict your every move.
That's crap.
Straight-ahead,
smash-mouth football.
May not be pretty,
but it gets the job done every time.
No, I agree with Samuel.
Changing the playbook puts
excitement back into the game.
There's plenty
of excitement in the game.
It's all about fundamentals, damn it.
Whoa.
Okay.
- So, problems in the bedroom?
- Buy your own stupid drinks.
(MOLLYAND VICTORIA GIGGLE)
Ooh. Caskets.
That one there? Like $50,000.
(GASPS)
That's more than my car.
Worth it.
Hop in.
Give it a test drive.
No way.
Come on, I do it all the time.
What? No.
It's a perfect place
to take a nap.
'Cause you're crazy.
(GIGGLES)
Good evening, Ms. Flynn.
Won't you join me?
I want to try that.
Oh, I'm getting in a coffin.
I'm getting in a coffin.
Ooh-hoo-hoo, ooh.
I'm in a coffin.
This is extremely comfortable.
Right?
(VACUUM CLEANER STARTS)
Get down, get down, get d...
(WHISPERS):
Stop it.
(VACUUM CLEANER STOPS)
(VACUUM CLEANER RESUMES)
(VICTORIA) Ouch.
(GIGGLING)
(VACUUM CLEANER STOPS)
Do you want a Bugle?
(SCREAMS)
I'm sorry, but funeral parlors rock.
I just feel bad for
the cleaning lady.
Well, how were we supposed to know
she'd just lost her mother?
- Good night.
- Wait, wait.
I'm married to a cop.
Do I smell like mara-hoochie?
(SNIFFS)
No. Just cadavers and Corn Nuts.
Great.
- Good night.
- Good night.
(GIGGLES) Good night, Vince.
What?
Good night, Mom.
(GIGGLES)
No more pot.
(SNORES)
Mike?
Oh, hey, Mol.
What you doing?
If you have to ask, I failed.
(SIGHS)
Do I have to change
the password on my laptop?
Probably a good idea.
Can you take these cuffs off.
Yeah. When I'm done with you.
Ripped By mstoll
(ENGLISH - SDH)
Molly is a writer now.
PEGGY (CHUCKLING):
Oh.
Why didn't you say so?
Let me clear a spot in my bookcase.
Ripped By mstoll
You know, it just so happens that
there are a lot of regular women,
just like me, who have written
best-selling books.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- That's it, we're doing this.
- Make your move, come on.
I'll give you one swing.
No, no, come on, nobody's fighting!
Hey. What you writing?
Oh, just experimenting
with a short story.
Really? I like short stories 'cause,
you know, they're short.
Can I take a look?
Oh, no, no. It's not ready
for public consumption.
Oh, come on. I showed you that poem
I wrote about the Chicago Bears.
Yeah, I remember.
"The Hall of Fame will admitcha,
if you listen to Coach Ditka."
I wonder if he ever got it.
So, can you at least tell
me what the story's about?
Uh, let's see. It's about
a man and a woman and
the day-to-day stuff they go through.
- That's it?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, is it at least sexy?
Sexy? No. Pfft!
Okay. Well, when you're ready,
I would love to read it.
You got it.
- Okay. Love you.
- Love you, too.
By the way, I know it's sexy.
Pfft! What are you talking about?
Because in all the time
I have known you,
you have never once gone "pfft!"
What? Pfft! I just did it.
I do it all the time.
Ridiculous. Pfft!
(PHONE RINGS)
(SIGHS)
Oh.
Hey, Victoria.
Yeah, we're still on for happy hour.
I don't know, a vodka tonic?
It's 8:00 in the morning.
Do I really have to decide now?
Okay, listen,
I'm working. I gotta go.
Bye. Bye.
Bye.
Okay. Let's get this party started.
(LOUD BEEP)
(BEEP)
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
(BEEP)
(BEEP)
(BEEP)
All right, I get it. I get it.
We hear you.
(BEEP)
All right, we hear you!
(BEEP)
You want to be a piñata?
Worst piñata ever.
(BEEP)
(BEEP)
Ha! Yeah. Huh?
(BEEP)
Shut you up,
shut up, shut up.
Stop moving.
Stop moving!
Yeah, you...
(GRUNTS)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
I wish there was blood.
(BEEP)
Oh, you son of a bitch.
Where are you?
(BEEP)
Where are you?
(BEEP)
Now ask your friend in the
kitchen how this is gonna end!
(BEEP)
(BEEP)
(BEEP)
See what you did?
♪ (THEME MUSIC)
(CAN SPRAYING)
There you go.
No more embarrassing bald spots.
Victoria.
Yeah, I'm not done yet.
Come on in.
Not a chance.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Beg to differ.
Oh, don't be a baby.
Get in here.
(SIGHS) Fine.
I'm in.
Why are you looking
up at the ceiling?
Because there are
no dead people up there.
Well, you're gonna be
looking up there for a while
'cause I need like another hour.
Are you kidding? Oh, God!
Why didn't you call me?
Sorry. I got caught up
trying to plug the holes
in that drug dealer's head.
I might just put a hat on him.
Maybe a do-rag.
(YELLS) Oh, God.
Covering your eyes? Really?
Yes, I prefer not to have the images
of death seared into my brain.
Do you want to see a brain?
No. No!
Are you sure?
'Cause I got one here right in ajar.
No, no, I'll wait for you
in the car. Oh!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Sorry. Oh!
MIKE: Hello? Anybody home?
Molly?
Oh. "Mike, having a drink with
Victoria. See you later. M."
Well, I guess it's just me.
It is just me, right?
Oh, this is wrong.
This is so wrong.
(IMITATING TWEETY):
I am a bad puddy tat.
Huh.
Okay, password protected. Smart.
"Mike and Molly."
And I'm in.
"The Story of M."
"The warmth of his excitement
awoke something inside her.
Something animal."
"Pfft," my ass.
"She reached back
with her eager hand
and greedily sought
his turgid girth."
Girth, I know.
Turgid, I'm not so sure about.
No, that's enough.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I could really
use that drink about now.
Almost done.
You said that three bodies ago.
Come on in.
You can keep me company.
I can't. Sorry.
Sure you can.
You just got to do this
one step at a time.
(GROANS) Here. Look at
Mrs. Kilgallon.
I don't want to.
Just look at her.
She was a nice old lady
who died peacefully in her sleep.
So, no bullet holes?
Well, just a tramp stamp,
believe it or not.
All right, I'll look.
Ooh-hoo, ooh.
Ooh-hoo, ooh.
Look, I'm looking.
(GIGGLES)
See? Nothing to be scared of.
Nope. You're right.
(CONTINUES NERVOUS GIGGLING)
Do you want to touch her?
No, I couldn't, no.
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
She doesn't mind.
I mind, I mind.
Why are you giggling?
I don't know.
But I can't stop.
Just give her a little poke.
Poke?
No, no poking, can't poke.
This will be great for your writing.
You're always saying you
want to experience new things
so that you can describe them.
Ugh, I did say that, didn't I?
Okay.
Ooh. Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
(GIGGLES)
Ooh! Ooh!
I did it. I touched her.
I touched a dead lady. Ooh.
See? It's no big deal.
Actually, she's a lot colder
than I thought she'd be.
It's like touching bologna.
That reminds me, I got some
cold cuts in the fridge. You hungry?
Ooh. Oh, God,
she opened her eyes.
Look-it, she opened her eyes!
Calm down.
Sometimes this happens.
Oh. Aah!
Bologna. Aah!
"He was helpless,
his hands bound behind his back
while her hungry mouth
greedily enveloped his sw..."
- Yo, big guy.
- (YELLS) Oh, nothing!
What you doing?
Just grabbing a bite.
(CHUCKLES)
Molly's not home, nobody's home,
I didn't do anything.
That Molly's laptop?
Yeah, I believe that is.
She's pretty private
about what's on there.
You're not reading it, are you?
No. Pfft.
All right.
See you in the morning.
- Night.
- Night.
- Mike.
- Nothing!
(QUIETLY):
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. Oh, God.
You okay?
Well, I'd kill for some Purell.
Sorry Mrs. Kilgallon
gave you the hairy eyeball.
I don't know how you
can do this for a living.
Oh, it's like anything.
You get used to it.
Yeah, but doesn't it
make you a little sad?
Sometimes, sure.
But over the years,
you find little ways to cope.
- Like what?
- Like marijuana.
Want some?
No, that's not my thing.
You sure? Just a little toke
to take the edge off.
- No.
- We were gonna go drinking.
This is just a different approach
to solving the same problem.
What problem?
Life, baby.
Okay, fine. Fire it up.
I should tell you,
the last time I smoked pot
was in college and it didn't
have much effect on me.
Who's a dead person?
You're a dead person.
Oh, yes, you are.
Oh, yes, you are.
(BOTH CACKLING)
"He grabbed a fistful
of her chestnut hair
and dragged her
to the bay window
where the entire town
could see her surrender.
She had no choice.
She was a slave
to his tumescent length."
Yikes.
Who'd have thought
your meek little wife
knew 50 different words for boner?
She went to college.
You know, your vocabulary expands.
"Expands." That's funny.
It's wild.
Her diary's nowhere near this dirty.
You read her diary?
You hacked her computer.
We all have blood on our hands.
All right, all right.
The question is, what do I do now?
I know what I'd do.
I'd study this thing
like it was the Talmud.
What?
Your wife just handed you
an erogenous road map
to her protected wetlands.
Use it.
No.
I'm not really
the "kinky, tie 'em up,
put things where they
don't belong" kind of guy.
Well, this isn't about you.
It's about Molly wanting
to try new things.
I mean, how would you
like it if someone
served you the same stack
of pancakes every morning?
Are you kidding?
That's his fantasy.
You just made his stomach turgid.
What I'm saying is,
you might have to step outside
your comfort zone
to please your wife.
Aw.
That's why Joyce and I
are so compatible.
I will wear, eat or do anything.
- Anything.
- Aah!
You got to go easy on the blush.
Relatives hate it
when grandma looks like a whore.
You know, the last time
I was at a funeral was Dad's.
That was a while back.
Yeah, I was eight.
I kept, I kept hoping that he was
gonna sit up and yell, "Surprise."
And he didn't.
No, he didn't.
I don't remember any of that.
Well, sweetie, you were three.
You remember him at all?
Not really.
Just the smell of beer
and Hai Karate and smoke.
But that could've been Mom.
You would have liked him.
He was really funny
and sweet-tempered.
He was like a...
he was like a giant teddy bear.
Sounds like Mike.
Huh.
How about that.
Well, the good news is
I'm clearly not freaked-out
by any of this
dead business anymore.
Good.
Then I think you're ready for this.
You ever seen balls
this big in your life?
I'm gonna need more pot.
(SPORTS ON TV)
Mmm. Aw.
Gentlemen.
Hey, I thought you were
staying in tonight.
Yeah, well,
Molly's out with her sister
so I thought maybe I'd join you boys.
Can I get a round for my friends?
What?
Everything okay?
Yeah, it's all good. Why?
Y-You called us friends,
and you're buying.
Very funny.
I see the Eagles are running
that new offense, huh?
I don't know why you would go and
change something that's working.
Well, there is wisdom
in mixing things up
so the defense
can't predict your every move.
That's crap.
Straight-ahead,
smash-mouth football.
May not be pretty,
but it gets the job done every time.
No, I agree with Samuel.
Changing the playbook puts
excitement back into the game.
There's plenty
of excitement in the game.
It's all about fundamentals, damn it.
Whoa.
Okay.
- So, problems in the bedroom?
- Buy your own stupid drinks.
(MOLLYAND VICTORIA GIGGLE)
Ooh. Caskets.
That one there? Like $50,000.
(GASPS)
That's more than my car.
Worth it.
Hop in.
Give it a test drive.
No way.
Come on, I do it all the time.
What? No.
It's a perfect place
to take a nap.
'Cause you're crazy.
(GIGGLES)
Good evening, Ms. Flynn.
Won't you join me?
I want to try that.
Oh, I'm getting in a coffin.
I'm getting in a coffin.
Ooh-hoo-hoo, ooh.
I'm in a coffin.
This is extremely comfortable.
Right?
(VACUUM CLEANER STARTS)
Get down, get down, get d...
(WHISPERS):
Stop it.
(VACUUM CLEANER STOPS)
(VACUUM CLEANER RESUMES)
(VICTORIA) Ouch.
(GIGGLING)
(VACUUM CLEANER STOPS)
Do you want a Bugle?
(SCREAMS)
I'm sorry, but funeral parlors rock.
I just feel bad for
the cleaning lady.
Well, how were we supposed to know
she'd just lost her mother?
- Good night.
- Wait, wait.
I'm married to a cop.
Do I smell like mara-hoochie?
(SNIFFS)
No. Just cadavers and Corn Nuts.
Great.
- Good night.
- Good night.
(GIGGLES) Good night, Vince.
What?
Good night, Mom.
(GIGGLES)
No more pot.
(SNORES)
Mike?
Oh, hey, Mol.
What you doing?
If you have to ask, I failed.
(SIGHS)
Do I have to change
the password on my laptop?
Probably a good idea.
Can you take these cuffs off.
Yeah. When I'm done with you.
Ripped By mstoll
(ENGLISH - SDH)