Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 2 - The First and Last Ride-Along - full transcript

MIKE: Previously on
Mike & Molly:

Do you ever just kinda stand
back and look at your life

and think,
"This is not where I ought to be!"
Ripped By mstoll

Listen up, because this might be
the best lesson I ever teach you.

Okay, don't settle.
Follow your dreams...

...wherever they may take you!

(BODY THUDS)

Want to tell me
what happened today?

I'm not sure, you know?

I just started feeling
overwhelmed by everything.

And I don't know, leaving just
seemed like the right thing to do.



Through the window?

Anybody can leave through a door.

Kids in Chicago deserve teachers
who want to be there for them,

and that may have been me
at one point,

but it's not me now.
Something's changed in me.

Something's broken,
or maybe something's fixed.

I don't know, but I know that
I can't do this one more day.

You realize, Ms. Flynn,
if you quit,

you lose your pension, your health
care and all your benefits?

Really? Is that true?

The truth is I have no idea
what's going on with Molly.

Well, I don't want to throw
salt on the wound,

but if you two ever have kids,

you should know you got loony
on your dad's side, too.



For the last time,
she's not loony.

She's just going through something.

Well, I'm not gonna fight you.

And I have a very good reason.
I have three of them.

- Number one...
- (GRUNTS)

(GLASS BREAKS)

(BODY THUDS)

Oh, God, what have I done?

- Come here.
- Oh, God.

I quit my job
and gave up all my benefits!

And I probably need a tetanus shot
from that woman's tooth.

I know, sweetie, I know.

We're gonna be fine.

(MOLLY WAILS)

So, how's the job search coming?

Ma, we don't ask that.

No, Mike, it's fine.
I've been circling a few things.

I can always get you in
at the school cafeteria.

What are you in a hairnet, a six?

Well, it's a generous offer,

but I've been feeding little
kids crap for ten years.

I think I'm just kind of done.

So, you're just gonna continue
your life of leisure, huh?

Congratulations, Mikey,
you got yourself

one of them trophy wives.

Hey, I am working. And I've always
been a trophy. Tell her.

She's always been a trophy.

No, about the work.

Oh. Molly is a writer now.

Oh!
Why didn't you say so?

Let me clear a spot in my bookcase.

Well, you better clear two spots
'cause there's gonna be a sequel.

Really?
What's the first one about?

I don't know yet.

But it sets up the second one.

Yeah. It just so happens that
there are a lot of regular women

just like me who've written
best-selling books.

Name one.

Harry Potter, Twilight Saga,
Fifty Shades of Grey.

Never heard of them.

Ma.

Okay, maybe the Grey book.

Help me out here.

Talk about something else, Ma.

Well, if we're talking
about pipe dreams,

I want to marry
Engelbert Humperdinck

and live in a house
made of beefjerky.

You know? I walked out of that school
because I was sick of people

like you telling me
what I can't do.

And I am done stifling
my creativity and my passion.

So you get ready,
'cause you and the rest of the world

are about to see what I can do.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

That's it!
We're doing this!

Make your move! Come on! Come on!

I'll give you one swing.

No, Molly, don't!
Nobody's fighting! Nobody's fighting!

Nobody's fighting!
Nobody's fighting!

Nobody's fighting!
Nobody's fighting!

I could've taken her.

Look, I'm not saying you wouldn't
have got a few shots in,

but my mom fights dirty.

If she got you on
the ground, it's over.

You think I can write a book,
don't you?

Of course I do.

You know,
I'm already making progress.

I've narrowed down my genre.

Ooh, look at you with a "genre."

Contemporary crime fiction.

Oh, that's what a genre is.

I'm gonna need your support.

You got it. 100 percent, babe.

A book like that takes a lot
of work and research.

Whatever you need, I'm there for you.

Great. 'Cause I want
to go on a ride-along

in the squad car with you and Carl.

- (TIRES SKID)
- (CAR HONKS HORN)

Sorry! Say again?

Mike, I need to get out there
and experience police work firsthand.

I need to breathe it
and live it and smell it.

Okay, first of all,
it could be dangerous.

Secondly, if you want to know
what my squad car smells like,

imagine baby powder mixed
with German potato salad.

Mike...

Carl says it's aftershave,
but I think it's his diet.

Just forget it.
I'll ask somebody else.

(SCOFFS) Come on.

Fine. I'll just go back to teaching,
be miserable the rest of my life.

I guess I could talk to the captain

and see if I can get
a ride-along approved.

Really?
Oh, it's gonna be so great!

- (SIGHS)
- Oh!

Don't get too excited.
Nothing's definite yet.

Okay, I won't, I won't.
I won't get my hopes up.

Oh, are we gonna see a dead body?

- Molly!
- I'm just saying,

people get murdered every day.
Maybe we'll get lucky!

♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪

I, for one, think it'll be great
to have Molly in the squad car.

That's because you're an idiot.

Cops need to keep their home
life and work life separate!

I suppose.

You're worried she might be
threatened by how close we are?

- What?
- Not in a physical sense,

but, you know,
an emotional connection.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Women can be jealous creatures.

And let's face it, after riding
together for eight years,

I am your most stable
and successful relationship.

She may be your laawul
wedded wife, but... (LAUGHS)

...she can never touch what we got.

I don't think this
is the conversation

we should be having
near the shower.

Don't be homophobic, all right?

A man can love another man
without having to drop the soap.

- Let's go!
- All right.

I love Mike Biggs!
I'm not ashamed to say it!

Why couldn't I have
a dog for a partner?

Hi.

What are you doing here?

I didn't like how we left
things the other night

and just think we need to resolve
our issues once and for all.

Oh, so you came to apologize.

Yes, I am sorry.

Sorry I didn't do this sooner.

"She drops the icicle
and calmly walks away smiling,

satisfied, knowing that the woman
who had tortured her

for so long was now dead.

Millie was finally free to become
the woman she was meant to be."

What do you think?

I think you want to kill Mike's mom.

What? How are you getting that?

Oh, come on. We've all thought
about putting that old bag down.

We just haven't been dumb enough
to write a confession

for the police to find.

This is fiction!
I'm not Millie, Penny's not Peggy.

Stabbing is so messy.

You don't want to ruin that
beautiful coat you described.

You're missing the point!
I stabbed her with an icicle!

I mean, the character,

the character stabbed her
with an icicle.

The murder weapon melts.
It's the, it's a perfect crime!

Does this make us accomplices?

'Cause I'm too pretty for prison.

Those girls will eat me for dinner.

Literally.

Hey, everybody.

Hey! So what'd you find out?

Can I go on the ride-along?

I looked through every rule and
regulation and apparently, you can.

Really? Oh, my God!

Oh, God, I've got
so much to plan and do.

Am I gonna get a uniform?

- No!
- Okay. Of course not.

This is gonna be so fun!

No, it's not.
It's a police car, not a playground.

That's good. "This is a police car,
not a playground."

That's the kind ofjazzy street talk
I've been looking for.

Your dialogue's fine. It's killing
people you're no good at.

You wrote something already?
Can I take a look at it?

Oh, no, well, not yet.

You know, I still have to tweak

some character traits
and change a few names.

Maybe run it past a lawyer.

♪ Bad boys, bad boys
Whatcha gonna do? ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do
When they come for you? ♪

- Listen, Molly.
- Yeah?

We need to go over a few
ground rules for this ride-along.

You got it.

Okay, don't touch anything
inside the car.

And stay in the vehicle unless Carl
or I directly tell you to get out.

Roger that.

And whatever you do, do not talk
to any suspects or arrestees.

No problem. What do I do
if they talk to me first?

Nobody's gonna talk to you.

You don't know that.
And I'm very approachable.

Oh, hey, what if I pretend
to be their friend,

kind of gain their confidence
and find out who the big fish is?

I repeat, no talking.

You got it!

Okay, just fly on the wall,
you know?

You just go about your business
and pretend I'm not even here.

Ride-along, day one.

The streets are quiet, too quiet.

Are you gonna be recording
what we say?

Oh, just a quick way
to get my ideas down.

Don't worry. I'll change the
names to protect the innocent.

All right, well,
just don't play it back for me,

'cause, you know, I hate the way
my voice sounds on tape.

It sounds higher, more womanly.

Like, I'm all the way up here, but in
my mind, I'm all the way down here.

Officer Carl McMillan.

This is CNN.

This is exciting. You know?

Just riding around the city all day

and scanning for criminals
and... Oh.

Look at that shifty guy.
What's his story?

Is he gonna roll that old woman,
orjack a car?

Maybe he's a foot soldier
in a big drug cartel,

the likes of which
this city has never seen.

Damn, I thought I was recording.
What did I say?

Hey, did you guys catch what I said?

Yeah, I think you wanted
to arrest a drug lord

who was taking his Yorkie for a walk.

Oh, I didn't see the dog.

Yeah, that's because I don't have
the trained eye as you guys.

But how many bags of smack
can you get in a Yorkie?

Ooh, movie idea.

Flamboyant man hides drugs
in show dogs.

Possibly animated?

Well, look who it is.

Yep, fresh out ofjail,
already on the street.

Who? Who are we looking at?

His name is Hugo. We busted him
last year for selling dope.

Oh, he sells dope?
Fantastic.

Are we gonna shake him down?

No. We're gonna talk to him.

- (SIREN WAILS)
- Hugo! Get over here.

Oh, come on, Biggs.
I'm not doin' nothin'.

I'm just talkin' to a friend.

Nobody said you were
"doin"' anything.

We just want to say hello.

Molly!

Would you prefer
I do handwritten notes?

- Yeah, please.
- Okay.

But you're gonna have to talk slower.
And can you ask Hugo to enunciate?

Uh, no offense, but your street
patois is a little thick.

You know what, Hugo?
Have a good day. Let's go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What's a better return on investment:

Crack or heroin?

Drive the car, Carl.

Nice meeting you!

Ooh.

That got real back there.

I've gotta tell you guys,
afterjust a few hours on patrol,

I have a neawound respect
for what you do.

- Thanks, honey.
- Yeah.

We're not heroes.

We're just regular men
who, you know, do what heroes do.

You put your lives
on the line every day.

I mean, aren't you scared?

Well, fear is a very
human reaction...

I got this, Mike.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Yes, we do feel fear.

- But we just...
- Carl...

Man, you just can't be
sneaking up on me like that.

Sorry.

This is for you.

I didn't order a milk shake.

It was sent over
by an admirer of yours.

Oh.

Wow. Carl, good for you.
She's gorgeous.

You mean "he's gorgeous."

No!

Yes.

Every inch of him.

I told you, nothing happened.

It's a classic case of
"he said, he said."

Uh, excuse me.
Do you want to come sit with us?

Molly, please, no!

It's good research for my book.

Hello, Carl.

Hi, Lousette.

Thanks for the milkshake.

Hi, Lousette.
I'm Molly, Mike's wife.

Former teacher, aspiring author.

Would you mind if I asked
you a few questions?

I have nothing to hide.

The hell you don't.

You managed to hide it
for three hours and a carriage ride.

Actually, that's kind of
my first question.

How do you hide it?

Well, there's a lot of tucking
and a lot of tape.

Oh.
Well, that makes sense.

For some reason,
my mind went to string.

Uh, movie idea:
Street-savvy cop falls in love

with a beautiful
cross-dressing informant.

Oh. An Officer and His Gentleman.

Oh, could you...

Could you turn that off?

It was just one kiss,
and it was New Year's Eve.

I assume the kissing stopped
when the ball dropped.

WOMAN ON POLICE RADIO: Car 3557.
We have a 10-16 at 412 Grand.

- That's us.
- 10-16. What's a 10-16?

It's a domestic disturbance.

(GASPS) Yes!

This is car 3557,
in the vicinity and responding.

Your story will be told.

- Those are gorgeous shoes...
- MIKE: Molly!

We gotta roll.

All right, Molly.
You know the rules. Stay in the car.

These domestic situations
can go bad fast.

Okay.

I can't be worrying about you
and do my job at the same time.

- Do you hear me?
- Yes, I do. Can I say one thing?

Quickly.

You are sexy when you talk like
that. I want to kiss you right now.

- Quickly.
- Okay.

Gotta go.

All right, stay.

You big blue tease!
Go get them.

Wife of cop,
torn between loving her man

and sharing him
with the city that needs him.

Ooh. Hot and bothered.

- (JIGGLING DOOR HANDLES)
- Oh.

Uh-huh.

Smart.

Note to self. Back doors
and windows don't open or

criminals would escape.

We could just crank that
air-conditioning up a little bit.

God, I got arms like a T. Rex.

Ah, this looks familiar.
Hello.

There we go.

Ooh, that's better.

Whoo!

Teaching fourth grade would've been
a lot easier with one of these.

Oh.

That's not good.

No, no, no!
Not a criminal!

It just got real hot back here.

That crazy bitch tried to kill me!

I didn't even touch you yet!

Oh, yes, you did! You cut off my
ponytail while I was sleeping.

Might as well be dead,
I look so stupid.

It doesn't look so bad.

I mean, it's a little choppy,
but it really frames your face.

Carl.

He's lucky I didn't cut off
something else!

That's a verbal threat.
That's a verbal threat!

You need to calm down.

Do you want to spend the night
in jail? Is that what you want?

No, sir.

Mike, psst, hey.

What the hell are you doing here?
I told you to wait in the car.

I know, but I found this
in the front seat.

You said it might be dangerous...
Careful.

That thing comes out
faster than you think.

Thank you.
Now get back in the car.

Are you sure I can't just observe?
I'll be quiet as a mouse.

I love you, but you are killing me.

As a police officer, I am ordering
you back into that vehicle.

Right, right.

See? That's how a healthy couple
resolves a conflict.

All right? No feelings are hurt
and nothing got cut off.

I'm guessing he didn't
sleep with her sister.

He slept with her sister?

Molly! Please!

You should at least
let her hit him once.

- Molly!
- That's right!

You're gonna die,
you cheating son of a bitch!

- Hey, hey!
- Bat down! Molly, go!

Hey, I need a little backup!

Don't touch her!
I love her!

She's biting me!

I can't believe you're biting me!

(ALL SHOUTING)

- Oh, wow!
- (GIGGLES)

Wow, that was incredible.

I should bring you to
work more often.

Say that thing I like again.

As a police officer, I'm ordering
you back into that vehicle.

Oh!

God, I love it when
I let you boss me around.

Well, the boss man's fading fast.

Anything else you want to say?

Yeah, I just want to say
how lucky I am

to have such
a supportive husband, and...

I love you very much.

Mm-hm.

(WHISPERS) I know that means
you love me, too.

MOLLY: It was another
brutal Chicago summer.

The sun beat down
with the kind of heat

that drives good men bad.

(GIGGLES)

But there was one person keeping
things cool on those steamy streets,

Officer Millie Briggs.

You. Car. Now.

- (GROANS)
- I just put you in jail.

Why are you back peddling
yourjunk on my streets?

'Cause the system's broken, Briggs.

You keep putting me in,
they keep letting me out.

Hakuna matata.

I catch you hanging
around that school again,

you and I are gonna have a problem.

Ooh, what?
You gonna shoot me?

No. System won't let me.

Like you said, it's broken.

What I can do is tell you to take
three steps away from my car.

What you gonna do, Briggs?
Take my picture?

Say cheese.

Cheese...

Sometimes to keep a city clean,
you gotta get a little dirty.

Oh, boy,
I got a lot of anger inside.
Ripped By mstoll

♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪

(ENGLISH US-SDH)