Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 9 - Mike & Molly's Excellent Adventure - full transcript
Molly is determined to get Mike out of his routine and encourages him to embrace anything they want in life. They try new things together, until reality sets in and it's time to pay the bill.
What you watching?
'86 Super Bowl.
Bears are crushing the Pats.
I'd have been happy
to die that day.
Ripped By mstoll
Greatest four hours
and 22 minutes of my life.
And I was at Woodstock.
Move your feet.
I don't want to.
Just sit in the chair.
But it's a bad angle.
My neck will seize
by the fourth touchdown.
My one day off,
I can't even watch a
20-year-old football game.
Mike, look.
I got published.
I actually got published.
Oh, no way!
And on the same day
the Bears beat the Pats.
Vince, move.
I'm gonna root
for the Pats, then.
What's all
yelling about?
As of this moment,
your daughter is
a published author.
What?
Molly, that is so exciting.
Getting paid
for what you love to do.
You and my dealer,
two of the lucky few.
Well, it's just
a little article,
you know, published
in the National Blog.
Wow.
You sure shut up
all those people
who never thought
you could do it.
- Who?
- Names aren't important.
Well, I had my doubts myself.
Sometimes I'd look at Mike
and just think,
"Oh, you poor, sweet,
supportive fool.
We are so screwed."
Screwed? I thought you said
we were right on schedule.
Well, we can laugh about it now.
How much money
are we talking about?
Not about the money,
it's about what it represents.
Does is represent more than
the $3,800 you owe your mother?
'Cause we'd like to take
a Carnival cruise this summer.
You don't get
reimbursed monetarily.
So squat.
Yes, and I'm fine with that,
because it's about exposure.
Look at you, exposing
yourself on the Internet.
So, what's the article about?
Yeah, I'd like read it.
Or pretend to.
You know, to be supportive.
It's a little dry.
I mean, I don't think anybody
here would be interested.
"From toilet training
to tantrums.
Understanding the
elderly parent."
What the hell?
What if my friends see that?
Don't worry about it.
Old people can't even get
on the Internet.
That's not true.
Just last week, I helped
a prince from Nigeria
track down his fortune.
Listen, what do you say
we get all dolled up
and I take you out
to lunch to celebrate?
Oh, what about your day off
and your goal
to not move an inch?
He already ruined that.
Plus, it's not every day my
wife gets read by millions.
Oh, well, I think
it's more like...
45 people.
Ooh, 46!
You're welcome.
♪ (THEME MUSIC)
You know, there are a million
great restaurants in Chicago.
You couldn't take me to one
that my coat wasn't going
to stick to the booth?
What do you want?
A clean chair or...
Turkey Meatball Tuesday?
That shut you up.
- Hey, look who's here.
- Hey.
I thought you wanted
a day off from me,
but look who came
crawling back.
Molly got an article published,
so we decided to celebrate.
Then why are you here?
See? Even he knows it blows.
Better than anyone.
A published author.
That's great.
What is it, a book or a?
No, it's just a little article
on the Internet.
Oh, the Internet.
That's even better;
The whole world can see it.
You know,
my one-arm push-up video
has got a real following
in Bulgaria.
You know, maybe we should've
gone someplace else.
It doesn't pay anything,
but I'm just happy
for the exposure.
I mean, do you know
how many submissions
that website gets?
How many?
I don't know, but a lot.
And out of all those people,
they chose not to pay me.
Oh, well, congratulations.
Thank you, Carl.
To think, two months ago,
I was a teacher,
doing the same thing,
day after day,
like a rat on a wheel.
I wish the rats here
were on a wheel.
It would make them
much easier to catch.
- Really?
- Oh, don't worry.
The turkey meatballs
sell so fast,
the rats can't
get near them.
So, how would you like to spend
the rest of our day
of celebration?
And please don't
say martial arts movie,
center row, third aisle,
large popcorn.
Then why'd you even ask?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
(GASPS) Ooh!
Rolls-Royces.
Beautiful, aren't they?
You're talking
400 grand, easy.
- No way.
- Yeah.
When I was little, I had
a gray Hot Wheels one.
Had its own driver.
I would pretend I was him.
Sailing down that orange track,
not a care in the world.
Come on. Let's go in
and check it out.
What? No.
- Why not?
- Because they'll know.
Know what?
That we don't belong in there.
Oh, come on.
Can you just relax, fella?
Can we just go in,
have some fun?
Do something new?
Come on, let's go in.
No, you're gonna get us
in trouble.
- With who?
- The Rolls-Royce people!
Mike, what are they gonna do?
They can't take anything
from us.
We don't have anything.
Molly, do not
go in there.
Molly!
I'm not going in there.
I'm going home.
I'm walking away.
Bye.
I'm not gonna... Ohh!
Damn it!
What are you doing
standing there?
Should I take my shoes off?
Just come over here.
How do they get them in here?
It's like ships in a bottle.
Do you smell that, huh?
It's like we're inside
a James Bond movie.
Leather and the metal
and the... turkey meatball?
God, Mike!
I'm sorry. I'm nervous.
- Can we go?
- No. We're looking around.
For all they know,
we can afford one of these cars.
Hey, you could have made a lot
of money on the Internet.
You and I both know there's
no money in the Internet.
That's not important.
We can be anybody we want to be.
Okay, it's all in
how you carry yourself.
Just follow my lead.
Have you done
this before?
Not here.
(BRITISH ACCENT) Hello.
Hello.
- Can I help you?
- Oh, well, I hope so.
We're quite interested
in purchasing
one of your vehicles.
Oh, he's excited.
Yes, crumb cake,
would you like
to give this one
a test drive, hmm?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I don't think so.
I don't think he wants to.
How about we give
that one a go, huh?
Oh, yes, we have just
a bit of a tangle.
We'd prefer to pay cash,
but we only have euros.
Just gobs and
gobs of euros.
- I'll get the keys.
- Oh, brilliant!
You'd prefer the four-door,
is that right, sir?
(ATTEMPTS BRITISH ACCENT)
Right, right.
Oh, this is quite nice.
Burled wood,
stitched leather,
all the finest accoutrements.
It also has a 12-cylinder
engine, 563 horsepower.
Does zero to 60 in 4.2 seconds.
I believe what the gentleman
is suggesting
is that you stop driving
like the queen and give it a go.
Right, right.
- (ACCELERATING RAPIDLY)
- Ooh!
Ooh!
Do you mind if I try the radio?
Not at all.
It has dual controls
for the front and the back.
Oh, let's try the back.
♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC ON RADIO)
Is that too loud?
Excuse me?
Okay, we're good.
Isn't this great?
Are you having fun?
Don't talk to me,
I'm trying to focus.
Get off my ass, grandma.
Go around!
MOLLY: Oh, my God,
there's a humidor
in the glove compartment.
Oh, what a wonderful
waste of money.
- Oh!
- Put that thing away.
I'm not gonna smoke it,
I'm just gonna take it.
- Molly!
- I'm kidding.
Can you just relax?
No. I'm driving
the equivalent
of a three-bedroom
house here,
with a grandma who will
not get off my ass!
You know, I made
your childhood dream
of driving a Rolls-Royce
come true.
You could at least enjoy it.
I'm not built that way, Molly.
You've met my mother.
I wasn't raised to enjoy things.
You know,
you are taking all the fun
out of this fraudulent
test drive.
Just pull over here
in front of the hotel.
Thank you.
Do you have a longer model
with a bubbly pool in the back?
- No.
- Oh.
Well, I wish you
would have told me that
before we left the shop.
Let's go, crumb cake.
Let's go!
Right, right.
All right.
Oh, excuse me.
Sorry.
Hey, can just anybody sit
in those chairs?
Yes, sir.
Do you need help with anything?
No. Just waiting for the wife.
She's hitting the head.
The ladies' can.
Hey, what took so long?
That bathroom, it's amazing.
It's like a beauty parlor.
They have everything.
There was makeup and hair spray
and perfume and...
Oh, look, mints.
I thought you just had to pee.
I did, and I enjoyed
every minute of it.
The seats were heated.
Are you sure somebody
just wasn't there before you?
Oh, don't be gross.
Not here.
All right, so,
are you ready to go home?
No. What's the hurry?
Let's hang out. Ooh.
We can pretend
that we're two strangers
that just met in a hotel lobby.
Well, you're already acting
like somebody I don't know,
so we're halfway there.
Perfect.
Now all we need is a room.
We can't afford
a room here.
Even the people
we're pretending to be
can't afford a room here.
I know. This place
is horribly overpriced.
That's why we're
not gonna pay for it.
Come on.
I'm a cop, I can't steal.
We're not stealing.
We're borrowing.
It's like a...
like a library book.
Like a library book
we're gonna have sex on.
All right, keep talking.
This place has checkout
at 11:00.
Check-in is at 3:00.
Which means there's
a whole bunch of rooms upstairs
just waiting
for turndown services.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
You're using sex as a weapon.
You know that, right?
Yes, I do. Come on.
Let's go.
Okay, perfect. Let's go.
I'm a Chicago cop with
a gun on his ankle,
and I'm shaking
like a leaf.
It's the adrenaline.
The metal taste
in the back of your mouth,
it's how you know
you're alive.
Who are you?
All right, the maid's
almost done.
Get the cart and go around
the corner with it.
Why?
Because you want
to have sex with me.
Okay.
Go, go, go.
Okay, when she comes out
and goes around the corner,
we make a run for the
room and bolt the door.
Have you done this before?
Not here.
All clear.
I said "all clear."
I'm a little wobbly.
I still have my sex legs.
You don't have to tell me,
Mr. 15 Minutes.
The fear of that maid walking
in and seeing me naked
bought me some extra time.
Check the 72nd floor.
Make sure all is clear.
Security. I think
that maid ratted us out.
Don't feel so good about leaving
a five on the pillow now, do you?
What's next? You got
a plan for this?
Yes. Give me your gun.
- What?
- Yeah.
You are not going
to shoot anyone.
No. You're gonna
take me hostage.
What is wrong with you?
- Just go to the stairs.
- Fine.
But my way
would've worked, too.
Oh, my God.
We'll just go down a floor,
hop on the elevator,
and we are gone.
You know, I think,
if I put my mind to it,
I could rob a bank.
Take it easy, Bonnie.
This is as far as Clyde goes.
There's no handle.
I guess you're supposed to put
your room key in the slot.
Which we don't have.
Why would they do that?
To prevent people like us
from doing what we did.
Oh, that's actually smart.
What are you doing?
Trying every card in my wallet.
Well, I don't think that
your Orange Julius gift card
is gonna save the day.
It's either this
or walk down 71 flights.
Okay, here, try my CVS card.
That hostage thing doesn't look
so bad now, does it?
(MOLLY CHUCKLES) Ooh!
Ooh, this...
This is quite a workout.
Don't talk to me.
Why?
Because you're gonna
try to make this seem
like we're having fun,
and we're not having fun.
We're 40 floors from fun
with 30 more to go!
Well, see?
We're already halfway there.
Do not look at
the bright side.
There is no
bright side here!
Oh, quit being such a crybaby.
Don't call me a crybaby.
Why?
You gonna cry, crybaby?
Stop it. If you hadn't dragged
me through all this crap,
I'd be home, happy,
on my couch right now.
But I was just trying to get you
to do something different.
Get you out of your comfort zone
for half a day.
You know what zone I'm in now?
The chafing zone.
I could cook a steak
between my thighs.
Boy, for somebody
who drove a Rolls-Royce today
and had sex
in a five-star hotel for free,
you sure complain a lot.
You know why you can't admit
this is miserable?
Because you live in denial.
That's why
you're so bad with money.
Are you really gonna
point fingers, Groundhog Day?
I found you on the couch
this morning
watching a 20-year-old
football game!
I might have missed something!
You know what,
I'll see you at the bottom.
Yeah, you know what,
I'll see you at the bottom,
- 'cause I'm going first!
- No, I'm going first.
- I got the rail.
- You move your hand.
- I got the rail! I got the rail!
- Move your hand.
Ahh! I got the rail!
Get moving, or I'll
give you the rail!
Yeah, that's my...
Aah!
What are you doing?
I was down in single digits.
I'm sorry.
That's it.
I can't take another step.
It's only 12 more floors.
Come on.
I can't.
Just leave me.
Live your life.
No.
We walked into this together.
We're walking out
of this together.
I'm just holding you back.
Okay.
We can rest for a second.
I'm not talking
about the stairs.
I'm talking about in life.
I'm just stopping you
from doing all that weird,
wonderful stuff
that you want to do.
Are you kidding?
Mike, I couldn't have
done any of that stuff
if it wasn't for you.
- That's not true.
- It is.
Mike, you're my rock.
If it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't have been
able to quit my job
and become the successful,
unpaid internet content
provider I am today.
Okay. Now, get up.
Get up,
you exhausted son of a bitch.
(GRUNTS)
- Come on.
- (GROANS)
(PANTING)
If we don't get out of here,
I love you, Molly.
Then show me.
Show me with your feet!
(ALARM RINGS)
We did it! We did it!
Sweet baby Jesus,
we're alive!
We're alive!
(EXAGGERATED PANTING)
Act like we belong.
Oh, apples!
Thank you.
We had a lovely stay.
Come on.
- Let's get you to the couch.
- Oh.
Can you bring the couch
closer to me?
Come on, honey,
you can do it.
Come on.
Three steps and a flop.
(LAUGHS)
Oh.
(GROANING)
Oh, this is comfortable.
Now I know why you never want
to get off of it.
See?
Welcome to Mike Biggs country.
Kind of nice, huh?
Better than a Rolls.
Thank you, Molly.
For what?
Pushing me.
Oh, hey, is that the stairs?
I told you I tripped.
My feet were numb.
No. For putting
together this day.
Making me do things that...
I never thought I would do.
Well, you better get used to it.
I don't know
where I'm going next,
but I'm taking you with me.
Can we at least wait
until my thighs heal
and my ankles go back
to being smaller than my calves?
Well, we can't go Jet Skiing
until the summer anyway.
(MOANS)
Ripped By mstoll
♪ (THEME MUSIC)
(English US - SDH)
'86 Super Bowl.
Bears are crushing the Pats.
I'd have been happy
to die that day.
Ripped By mstoll
Greatest four hours
and 22 minutes of my life.
And I was at Woodstock.
Move your feet.
I don't want to.
Just sit in the chair.
But it's a bad angle.
My neck will seize
by the fourth touchdown.
My one day off,
I can't even watch a
20-year-old football game.
Mike, look.
I got published.
I actually got published.
Oh, no way!
And on the same day
the Bears beat the Pats.
Vince, move.
I'm gonna root
for the Pats, then.
What's all
yelling about?
As of this moment,
your daughter is
a published author.
What?
Molly, that is so exciting.
Getting paid
for what you love to do.
You and my dealer,
two of the lucky few.
Well, it's just
a little article,
you know, published
in the National Blog.
Wow.
You sure shut up
all those people
who never thought
you could do it.
- Who?
- Names aren't important.
Well, I had my doubts myself.
Sometimes I'd look at Mike
and just think,
"Oh, you poor, sweet,
supportive fool.
We are so screwed."
Screwed? I thought you said
we were right on schedule.
Well, we can laugh about it now.
How much money
are we talking about?
Not about the money,
it's about what it represents.
Does is represent more than
the $3,800 you owe your mother?
'Cause we'd like to take
a Carnival cruise this summer.
You don't get
reimbursed monetarily.
So squat.
Yes, and I'm fine with that,
because it's about exposure.
Look at you, exposing
yourself on the Internet.
So, what's the article about?
Yeah, I'd like read it.
Or pretend to.
You know, to be supportive.
It's a little dry.
I mean, I don't think anybody
here would be interested.
"From toilet training
to tantrums.
Understanding the
elderly parent."
What the hell?
What if my friends see that?
Don't worry about it.
Old people can't even get
on the Internet.
That's not true.
Just last week, I helped
a prince from Nigeria
track down his fortune.
Listen, what do you say
we get all dolled up
and I take you out
to lunch to celebrate?
Oh, what about your day off
and your goal
to not move an inch?
He already ruined that.
Plus, it's not every day my
wife gets read by millions.
Oh, well, I think
it's more like...
45 people.
Ooh, 46!
You're welcome.
♪ (THEME MUSIC)
You know, there are a million
great restaurants in Chicago.
You couldn't take me to one
that my coat wasn't going
to stick to the booth?
What do you want?
A clean chair or...
Turkey Meatball Tuesday?
That shut you up.
- Hey, look who's here.
- Hey.
I thought you wanted
a day off from me,
but look who came
crawling back.
Molly got an article published,
so we decided to celebrate.
Then why are you here?
See? Even he knows it blows.
Better than anyone.
A published author.
That's great.
What is it, a book or a?
No, it's just a little article
on the Internet.
Oh, the Internet.
That's even better;
The whole world can see it.
You know,
my one-arm push-up video
has got a real following
in Bulgaria.
You know, maybe we should've
gone someplace else.
It doesn't pay anything,
but I'm just happy
for the exposure.
I mean, do you know
how many submissions
that website gets?
How many?
I don't know, but a lot.
And out of all those people,
they chose not to pay me.
Oh, well, congratulations.
Thank you, Carl.
To think, two months ago,
I was a teacher,
doing the same thing,
day after day,
like a rat on a wheel.
I wish the rats here
were on a wheel.
It would make them
much easier to catch.
- Really?
- Oh, don't worry.
The turkey meatballs
sell so fast,
the rats can't
get near them.
So, how would you like to spend
the rest of our day
of celebration?
And please don't
say martial arts movie,
center row, third aisle,
large popcorn.
Then why'd you even ask?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
(GASPS) Ooh!
Rolls-Royces.
Beautiful, aren't they?
You're talking
400 grand, easy.
- No way.
- Yeah.
When I was little, I had
a gray Hot Wheels one.
Had its own driver.
I would pretend I was him.
Sailing down that orange track,
not a care in the world.
Come on. Let's go in
and check it out.
What? No.
- Why not?
- Because they'll know.
Know what?
That we don't belong in there.
Oh, come on.
Can you just relax, fella?
Can we just go in,
have some fun?
Do something new?
Come on, let's go in.
No, you're gonna get us
in trouble.
- With who?
- The Rolls-Royce people!
Mike, what are they gonna do?
They can't take anything
from us.
We don't have anything.
Molly, do not
go in there.
Molly!
I'm not going in there.
I'm going home.
I'm walking away.
Bye.
I'm not gonna... Ohh!
Damn it!
What are you doing
standing there?
Should I take my shoes off?
Just come over here.
How do they get them in here?
It's like ships in a bottle.
Do you smell that, huh?
It's like we're inside
a James Bond movie.
Leather and the metal
and the... turkey meatball?
God, Mike!
I'm sorry. I'm nervous.
- Can we go?
- No. We're looking around.
For all they know,
we can afford one of these cars.
Hey, you could have made a lot
of money on the Internet.
You and I both know there's
no money in the Internet.
That's not important.
We can be anybody we want to be.
Okay, it's all in
how you carry yourself.
Just follow my lead.
Have you done
this before?
Not here.
(BRITISH ACCENT) Hello.
Hello.
- Can I help you?
- Oh, well, I hope so.
We're quite interested
in purchasing
one of your vehicles.
Oh, he's excited.
Yes, crumb cake,
would you like
to give this one
a test drive, hmm?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I don't think so.
I don't think he wants to.
How about we give
that one a go, huh?
Oh, yes, we have just
a bit of a tangle.
We'd prefer to pay cash,
but we only have euros.
Just gobs and
gobs of euros.
- I'll get the keys.
- Oh, brilliant!
You'd prefer the four-door,
is that right, sir?
(ATTEMPTS BRITISH ACCENT)
Right, right.
Oh, this is quite nice.
Burled wood,
stitched leather,
all the finest accoutrements.
It also has a 12-cylinder
engine, 563 horsepower.
Does zero to 60 in 4.2 seconds.
I believe what the gentleman
is suggesting
is that you stop driving
like the queen and give it a go.
Right, right.
- (ACCELERATING RAPIDLY)
- Ooh!
Ooh!
Do you mind if I try the radio?
Not at all.
It has dual controls
for the front and the back.
Oh, let's try the back.
♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC ON RADIO)
Is that too loud?
Excuse me?
Okay, we're good.
Isn't this great?
Are you having fun?
Don't talk to me,
I'm trying to focus.
Get off my ass, grandma.
Go around!
MOLLY: Oh, my God,
there's a humidor
in the glove compartment.
Oh, what a wonderful
waste of money.
- Oh!
- Put that thing away.
I'm not gonna smoke it,
I'm just gonna take it.
- Molly!
- I'm kidding.
Can you just relax?
No. I'm driving
the equivalent
of a three-bedroom
house here,
with a grandma who will
not get off my ass!
You know, I made
your childhood dream
of driving a Rolls-Royce
come true.
You could at least enjoy it.
I'm not built that way, Molly.
You've met my mother.
I wasn't raised to enjoy things.
You know,
you are taking all the fun
out of this fraudulent
test drive.
Just pull over here
in front of the hotel.
Thank you.
Do you have a longer model
with a bubbly pool in the back?
- No.
- Oh.
Well, I wish you
would have told me that
before we left the shop.
Let's go, crumb cake.
Let's go!
Right, right.
All right.
Oh, excuse me.
Sorry.
Hey, can just anybody sit
in those chairs?
Yes, sir.
Do you need help with anything?
No. Just waiting for the wife.
She's hitting the head.
The ladies' can.
Hey, what took so long?
That bathroom, it's amazing.
It's like a beauty parlor.
They have everything.
There was makeup and hair spray
and perfume and...
Oh, look, mints.
I thought you just had to pee.
I did, and I enjoyed
every minute of it.
The seats were heated.
Are you sure somebody
just wasn't there before you?
Oh, don't be gross.
Not here.
All right, so,
are you ready to go home?
No. What's the hurry?
Let's hang out. Ooh.
We can pretend
that we're two strangers
that just met in a hotel lobby.
Well, you're already acting
like somebody I don't know,
so we're halfway there.
Perfect.
Now all we need is a room.
We can't afford
a room here.
Even the people
we're pretending to be
can't afford a room here.
I know. This place
is horribly overpriced.
That's why we're
not gonna pay for it.
Come on.
I'm a cop, I can't steal.
We're not stealing.
We're borrowing.
It's like a...
like a library book.
Like a library book
we're gonna have sex on.
All right, keep talking.
This place has checkout
at 11:00.
Check-in is at 3:00.
Which means there's
a whole bunch of rooms upstairs
just waiting
for turndown services.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
You're using sex as a weapon.
You know that, right?
Yes, I do. Come on.
Let's go.
Okay, perfect. Let's go.
I'm a Chicago cop with
a gun on his ankle,
and I'm shaking
like a leaf.
It's the adrenaline.
The metal taste
in the back of your mouth,
it's how you know
you're alive.
Who are you?
All right, the maid's
almost done.
Get the cart and go around
the corner with it.
Why?
Because you want
to have sex with me.
Okay.
Go, go, go.
Okay, when she comes out
and goes around the corner,
we make a run for the
room and bolt the door.
Have you done this before?
Not here.
All clear.
I said "all clear."
I'm a little wobbly.
I still have my sex legs.
You don't have to tell me,
Mr. 15 Minutes.
The fear of that maid walking
in and seeing me naked
bought me some extra time.
Check the 72nd floor.
Make sure all is clear.
Security. I think
that maid ratted us out.
Don't feel so good about leaving
a five on the pillow now, do you?
What's next? You got
a plan for this?
Yes. Give me your gun.
- What?
- Yeah.
You are not going
to shoot anyone.
No. You're gonna
take me hostage.
What is wrong with you?
- Just go to the stairs.
- Fine.
But my way
would've worked, too.
Oh, my God.
We'll just go down a floor,
hop on the elevator,
and we are gone.
You know, I think,
if I put my mind to it,
I could rob a bank.
Take it easy, Bonnie.
This is as far as Clyde goes.
There's no handle.
I guess you're supposed to put
your room key in the slot.
Which we don't have.
Why would they do that?
To prevent people like us
from doing what we did.
Oh, that's actually smart.
What are you doing?
Trying every card in my wallet.
Well, I don't think that
your Orange Julius gift card
is gonna save the day.
It's either this
or walk down 71 flights.
Okay, here, try my CVS card.
That hostage thing doesn't look
so bad now, does it?
(MOLLY CHUCKLES) Ooh!
Ooh, this...
This is quite a workout.
Don't talk to me.
Why?
Because you're gonna
try to make this seem
like we're having fun,
and we're not having fun.
We're 40 floors from fun
with 30 more to go!
Well, see?
We're already halfway there.
Do not look at
the bright side.
There is no
bright side here!
Oh, quit being such a crybaby.
Don't call me a crybaby.
Why?
You gonna cry, crybaby?
Stop it. If you hadn't dragged
me through all this crap,
I'd be home, happy,
on my couch right now.
But I was just trying to get you
to do something different.
Get you out of your comfort zone
for half a day.
You know what zone I'm in now?
The chafing zone.
I could cook a steak
between my thighs.
Boy, for somebody
who drove a Rolls-Royce today
and had sex
in a five-star hotel for free,
you sure complain a lot.
You know why you can't admit
this is miserable?
Because you live in denial.
That's why
you're so bad with money.
Are you really gonna
point fingers, Groundhog Day?
I found you on the couch
this morning
watching a 20-year-old
football game!
I might have missed something!
You know what,
I'll see you at the bottom.
Yeah, you know what,
I'll see you at the bottom,
- 'cause I'm going first!
- No, I'm going first.
- I got the rail.
- You move your hand.
- I got the rail! I got the rail!
- Move your hand.
Ahh! I got the rail!
Get moving, or I'll
give you the rail!
Yeah, that's my...
Aah!
What are you doing?
I was down in single digits.
I'm sorry.
That's it.
I can't take another step.
It's only 12 more floors.
Come on.
I can't.
Just leave me.
Live your life.
No.
We walked into this together.
We're walking out
of this together.
I'm just holding you back.
Okay.
We can rest for a second.
I'm not talking
about the stairs.
I'm talking about in life.
I'm just stopping you
from doing all that weird,
wonderful stuff
that you want to do.
Are you kidding?
Mike, I couldn't have
done any of that stuff
if it wasn't for you.
- That's not true.
- It is.
Mike, you're my rock.
If it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't have been
able to quit my job
and become the successful,
unpaid internet content
provider I am today.
Okay. Now, get up.
Get up,
you exhausted son of a bitch.
(GRUNTS)
- Come on.
- (GROANS)
(PANTING)
If we don't get out of here,
I love you, Molly.
Then show me.
Show me with your feet!
(ALARM RINGS)
We did it! We did it!
Sweet baby Jesus,
we're alive!
We're alive!
(EXAGGERATED PANTING)
Act like we belong.
Oh, apples!
Thank you.
We had a lovely stay.
Come on.
- Let's get you to the couch.
- Oh.
Can you bring the couch
closer to me?
Come on, honey,
you can do it.
Come on.
Three steps and a flop.
(LAUGHS)
Oh.
(GROANING)
Oh, this is comfortable.
Now I know why you never want
to get off of it.
See?
Welcome to Mike Biggs country.
Kind of nice, huh?
Better than a Rolls.
Thank you, Molly.
For what?
Pushing me.
Oh, hey, is that the stairs?
I told you I tripped.
My feet were numb.
No. For putting
together this day.
Making me do things that...
I never thought I would do.
Well, you better get used to it.
I don't know
where I'm going next,
but I'm taking you with me.
Can we at least wait
until my thighs heal
and my ankles go back
to being smaller than my calves?
Well, we can't go Jet Skiing
until the summer anyway.
(MOANS)
Ripped By mstoll
♪ (THEME MUSIC)
(English US - SDH)