Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 22 - Eight Is Enough - full transcript

Previously on Mike & Molly...
Molly is a writer now.

Oh!

Why didn't you say so?

Let me clear a spot in my bookcase.

Victoria, I saw Carl
in the hallway last night.

I told him he should have
climbed out the window.

What were you thinking?

I was thinking nobody would see
him if he climbed out the window.

No matter how we feel about each
other, you're still my family.

I guess we are kind of
stuck with each other.

Well, a little setback



we thought we were
cutting through some old pipes

and unfortunately
it was electrical conduit.

I guess I'll have to stay with family.

I knew that was gonna
bite me in the ass.

Who's that cat?

Get that cat.

You better get that cat.

Get him.

What's going on?
It's Sunday morning.

The neighbor's cat is causing trouble.

Just put the dog down.

He's too short to see
out the window on his own.

I know.
That's why I put him up there.

Who's that cat?



Get that cat.

How long is she gonna be here?

Too long.

Morning, young lovers.

What are you doing up so early?

Making breakfast in bed for Victoria.

Speaking of which... where do
you keep your champagne flutes?

Top shelf.

Top shelf.

Hey!

Sit down!
I'll get 'em.

Mmm.

I must say, I outdid myself
with this coffee.

I brought the beans from my house.

I know. We saw your beans
and half your beanstalk.

Don't take this the wrong way, but
it's a little early for th-this.

Don't worry, it took Mike a while

to warm up to my sunny
disposition in the morning, too.

You know, you get used to it.

Or you don't.

Hey. Love Machine.

Is that your Blazer in the driveway?

You're blocking us in.

Oh.
Wait.

Are you wearing my mini-mono?

My apologies. I will launder
it after I move my car.

Anybody else have any delicates
they want me to throw in?

You got room for a sweaty girdle?

Mi washa es su washa.

Hey, baby, where's mama's mimosas?

Mimosas?

we're getting drunk before noon.

Well, if we're not going to yoga,
you can wash my girdle, too.

What is happening?

Maybe we're dead and this is hell.

Now we got a party.
I'll get the glasses.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

Now that we both have a Flynn girl,

it opens up a whole new world
of social activities

for the four of us.

Couples tennis?
No.

Four-handed bridge?
No.

Chicken leg dominoes?

Even if I knew what that was,
I'd still say no.

Come on, you got to work with me here.

How am I supposed to be
the Barney to your Fred

if we're not coming up with
funny adventures

for our Wilma and Bettys?

I need a break, Carl. Okay?

I see you at work, I see you at home,

I see you at night,
I see you in the morning.

You're everywhere I am.

Like gum I sat in
that won't... shut... up.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Why are you so happy?

The same reason you are so miserable.

My roommate has been
rooming with you for...

...five glorious days!

Yeah, well, believe me,
the feeling is mutual.

It's nice to be around people
who appreciate me.

Who are they?
Do they live at my house, too?

Seriously, why-why can't you
take Victoria

to you and Samuel's apartment?

Oh. Mike, please...
let's not rock the boat.

Especially when one of
those boats has an empty bedroom

and the new captain
likes to walk around it naked.

You better not be
bare-assing it on my couch.

Says the man whose butt cheeks
left a cocoa butter oil streak

on my kitchen chairs.

Hey, if you got a problem
with me moisturizing my buns,

you better take it up
with your sister-in-law.

'Cause she likes her baby's behind
to be like a baby's behind.

Oh...

He's all yours.

Hello?

Molly, you in there?

I hear you.

Oh. Hey.

Is that you, Peggy?

You know what, sometimes this...

Oh, my God, the door
sticks in the humidity.

Here's your mail.

Thank you.

You sure pay a lot for cable.

You read my mail?

It was half opened.

You might want to keep an eye
on your postman.

I can't place his nationality,
but whatever it is,

I don't care for it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I got in.

What?
Oh! I got in!

Wh-What is
going on with you?!

The Iowa Writer's Workshop...

I've been accepted into
their summer writing program!

Never been a fan of Iowa...
full of pigs and Democrats.

Okay, this is one of the most
prestigious writing programs

in the entire country.

I mean, they-they...
out of 1,600 applicants,

they only accept ten,
and I am one of the ten.

Wait a minute, are you actually
good at this writing thing?

I am. I mean, I-I didn't think
I was this good.

Oh. Are you sure they
didn't make a mistake?

Uh, that's my name!

Peggy, yeah, read that!
Read that!

That's my name.
All right.

I'm gonna be living my dream
in Iowa for eight weeks.

How are you gonna ruin that,
Peggy, huh?

Eight weeks?

Does Mike know about all this?

Damn it, you always find a way.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey.

Oh, why the long face?

Oh.

Victoria!
Honey, I'm home!

I love this.

It's like living in a sitcom.

I hope they kill off your character.

This guy.

Okay, okay.
Drop the bag.

Just sit down, forget
about Carl and enjoy.

Shake 'n Bake?

Either I did something good,
or you did something bad.

What?

No. I think you need
to stop pointing a finger

and start licking a finger.

Whoa. Is that Shake 'n Bake?

Not for you.
Why? There's plenty.

Vince, I'm just trying
to have a quiet dinner

with my husband. Get out.

I would love to, but Joyce
asked me to clean the fridge.

And I should really get on that.

Right now.

At this most inopportune moment.

Just give him a piece of chicken.

Two, or I'm defrosting the freezer.

I hope you choke.

I might. Looks a little dry.

Scram!

I don't know how much more
of this I can take.

There are seven people
in a three-bedroom house,

and you're the only one I like.

Well, I'm sure we'll get through it.

You know, sometimes we...

we'll have to make sacrifices,
knowing that in the future

it will all be worth it.

I know. I know.
My mom will move back home,

and then it'll just be me and Carl
and Victoria and Joyce and Vince.

Am I leaving anybody out?

Only me.

Hey, there's my boy!
How you doing? Oh.

Good, good.

Yup, we're just... just
sitting down to a nice dinner.

Chicken. Smart.
It'll cushion the blow.

What blow?
No blow, no blow.

Here you go.

Thank you. Good-bye.

Whoa, whoa.
What the hell you doing?

You're giving her all the thighs.

Give it up.
You been made.

What is she talking about?

I have some exciting news.

More for her than you.

Will you shut up.

What is going on?

Well, um...

I've been accepted into
one of the most prestigious

writing programs in the country.

Honey, that's great!

Yeah.

In Iowa.

For eight weeks.
Okay, you know what?

Now no chicken. Now
you get no chicken.

No chicken.

So you're gonna
leave me for two months?

Or I'm gonna stay with
you for ten months.

Hmm?

Who wants a thigh?
You want a thigh?

Aw. Unbelievable!

You did this on purpose.

Yeah, maybe.

Mike, it's an opportunity
of a lifetime.

Oh, I'm sure it is!

I can't believe
you did this whole deal

without even talking to me about it.

Well, we're about it talking now.

No, you're telling me.
Talking about it would be,

"Honey, I'm thinking about
applying for an out-of-state

workshop for a couple months.
You okay with that?"

Are you okay with that?

Not now I'm not, no.

Keep it down.
I'm eating.

Stay out of this.
Mike, would you just

give me a chance to explain?

Something smells good.

Chicken. It's not.

I cannot believe
you're okay leaving me alone

in this mental hospital.

I'm sorry. I know I
should've handled it better,

but, I mean, it's a very
prestigious program.

You could at least try
to be happy for me.

That's all I do is be happy for you.

I was happy for you
when you quit your job,

I was happy for you
when you became a writer.

Well, guess what?
I'm not happy you're going!

And you don't seem to care about that.

Move your car, Barney!

Coming, Fred!

Oh, I really messed this up.

Oh, good, you know.

What do I do?

I mean, I-I want
to attend this workshop,

but not if it's gonna
jeopardize my marriage.

Oh, please.

Your marriage will be just fine.

How do you know?

Because I know your husband.

He'll whine, he'll cry,

he'll bitch, he'll moan,
then he'll come around.

You think so?

He hit the jackpot with you.

He knows that.
That's true.

You could go to an eight-week
orgy and he'd still be waiting.

With flowers.

I don't know. He stormed out
on Shake 'n Bake.

That is... that is big.

It's real simple, honey.

When he comes back, tell him
you're sorry, say you screwed up,

then you throw yourself on your sword.

Then you throw yourself on his sword.

Oh! Ugh.

You can "ugh" all you want.

That's solid advice.

Why do I even talk to you two?

Because you know
we'll tell you the truth.

And you've driven everyone else away.

It's a very prestigious program.

Stop saying that word.

All right.

But me not saying it doesn't
make it any less mm-hmm-hmm.

Why didn't she tell me she was
signing up for some workshop?

I tell her everything.

Uh, technically, that's not true.

What are you talking about?

Those girly magazines you get
delivered to my apartment.

That's not about Molly.

That's about me wanting to get
to them before Vince does.

Once he paws through them,
they're no good to me.

Listen, you know this is

a wonderful opportunity
for your wife. I know.

It's probably gonna open
a ton of doors for her.

Then what's the problem?

Well, that's the problem.

She gets back, she's gonna have

all these new experiences
that I wasn't a part of.

She's gonna write a novel, get famous,

and hang out with
all these literary types.

She will hobnob, Carl.

That's ridiculous.

Worst case scenario, she
takes a lover on the side.

With any luck, a lesbian lover.

You and me... we
need a break.

I get it, I get it.

I'll just be over here.

Give you a little solitude.

Let you gather your thoughts.

Be on your own for a little... Carl!

All right, all right.

I do miss you.

Hello.

Oh.

Hey. I didn't see you out here.

I had to get the laundry in.

I didn't want your pervy neighbor

climbing the fence
to sniff my intimates.

Here, help me fold this sheet.

So... about this
writing program...

Can we please
not talk about it?

I know I'm selfish and a horrible
wife and I shouldn't go.

You know, when I was younger than you,

I had a situation just like you have.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Opportunity of a lifetime.

They wanted to up me
to manager at Bennigan's.

Are you messing with me?

Nope.

They really did.

They wanted to send me
to Philly for training.

Mike's dad had just
started on the force,

and he didn't want me to go.

So... I didn't go.

Sorry, I'm just trying
to get my head around

somebody telling you what to do
and you actually doing it.

I was being the good wife.

Ah. And that's what you think
I should do?

Be the good wife?

Hell no.

That wifely duty crap
cost me my dream.

I could have been a manager,

saved up, bought a franchise
and opened a restaurant.

Maybe even had my own chain.

Peggigan's.

I had no idea.

Well, you know me, I don't
like to be a downer.

I'm just saying, you love
writing, I love feeding people.

I'd hate to see you make
the same mistake I did.

Thank you for... sharing your...
Bennigan's dream with me.

Don't mention it.

I mean it.

As far as the boy knows,
you're the selfish wife

and I'm the sympathetic mother.
Got it?

Got it.
Fold.

Hey.
Hi.

Where's Mike? Oh, we got a new deal.
I can keep sleeping over

as long as I give him
an eight-foot perimeter.

Oh, he's closing in.

I got to go.

Hi.

Hi.

You, uh... mind
if I join you?

I was hoping you would.

Listen... I'm sorry I
walked out like that.

Don't be.

Well, it's just the-the whole thing
kind of took me by surprise.

Well, that's my fault.

I should have included you
from the beginning.

That would have been nice.

You know I would've told you to go.

I know.

So why didn't you tell me?

I just figured...
I was never gonna get in,

and I was too embarrassed
to even talk about it.

Lady, you have no idea
how great you are.

You're smart, you're talented.

Huh?

And you can do anything
that you set that mind to.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I'm leaving you
here with the lunatics.

Your Taser's working, right?

Don't worry about me.

'Cause you're gonna go to that program

and you're gonna write
something amazing.

And it's gonna sell so many books,

we're gonna be able to
move out of this house.

Ooh.

And, uh... I will be your proud
husband as long as you'll have me.

Are you kidding?

I'll have you as long as you're
willing to put up with me.

That is a deal.

I hid some Shake 'n Bake for you.

Oh, I just fell in
love all over again.

There she is.

I don't know

You going back to college,

or me not having to pay for it.

Now, now.

Here's a little walk around money.

Oh. Thanks.
Remember,

if you're at a frat party,

never leave your drink unattended.

I'm not going back to college,

I'm just going to
a writing seminar at college.

Hey, housewife or freshman,

a roofie doesn't discriminate.

I'm gonna miss you, Mol.

Remember, if they catch you with weed,

campus police aren't real cops.

Yeah, I-I don't have pot.

I put some in your suitcase.

It'll help you make friends.

I already flushed it.

Thank you.

Well, now that I'm actually going,

I'm a little scared.

Are you kidding?
This is scary.

What you're doing is
going on an adventure.

Now go get after it.

Write that book,
get us the hell out of here.

Don't worry about your husband.

I been taking care of
him for 35 years.

I can do it for eight more weeks.

But not a day longer.
Bye.

Bye!
Have fun!

So you got everything you need?

I think so.

Did you write your name in
your underwear?

I'm not going away to camp.

Aw, I'm not gonna get
a macaroni portrait?

Oh, you still might.

I guess this is it.

Yeah, I guess so.

Be safe.

Okay.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

You saying I'm a bad mother?

Look at your two loser kids.

Hey, I'm one of
those loser kids!

Yeah, you might want to
back off talking about my baby.

Don't you threaten me.

I'm not threatening you.

Get him, Jim.
Get that bad man.

Did you say "black man"?!

No!

I'm so sorry.
Write.

Write like the wind.

Ow, ow, ow!
Those are sharp teeth!

Oh, my God! Somebody help Carl!

Come back for me!