Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 21 - This Old Peggy - full transcript

(Mike sighs)

So, what do you think
your mom's gonna criticize first,

my hair, my shoes,
the flowers that I got

so she wouldn't make fun
of my hair or my shoes?

I told you not to bring flowers.

It's a sign of weakness.

Now she's gonna look for something:

your shoes, your lipstick.

What's wrong with my lipstick?

Nothing.
I think it's great.

It's supposed to look like
you ate a popsicle, right?



(water flowing)
What are you doing here?

You invited us to dinner a week ago.

Did I? It must have slipped my mind.

What is that noise?

Just got a little leak, no big deal.
A little leak?

Sounds like the urinal trough
at the Cubs game.

What the hell happened?!

Probably just a burst pipe.

I got it under control.

Did you shut off the main?

I was a little busy opening the door
for people who show up unannounced.

You invite...!

Never mind.
I'll take care of it.

What's up with your lips?



You been sucking face with a clown?

Don't you have bigger fish to fry?

Why didn't you call us?

I can't bother you two with
every little thing that pops up.

Since when? You call Mike every
time the milk smells funny.

I bought it at that Asian market.

You know how they jimmy
with those sell-by dates.

The water main's off.

That'll stop the flow.

Now we can just focus on cleaning up.

(creaking)

I'll get the mop.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

Yeah, we gotta make sure the
water didn't spread too far,

'cause we do not want
to tangle with mold.

It's bad enough these old houses are
full of asbestos and lead paint.

SAMUEL: Should I be wearing a mask?

Do you own one?

No.
Then no.

Thanks, you guys, for helping me out.

Of course. Makes no sense
to pay somebody

to patch a hole in the ceiling.
Well, we got to support

a bathtub, lay some tile,
and while we're at it,

we should put in a toilet
that does the job in one flush.

You can't always blame
the toilet, Mike.

Yeah, we shouldn't have
a problem fixing this.

I looked up "bathroom remodel" on YouTube...
they got everything on there.

Although, I have yet to find a
nunchuk video with a happy ending.

I just don't understand
how it happened.

I mean, she got the new copper
pipes five years ago.

Brand-new copper pipes
in this worn-out house?

That's like giving an
85-year-old woman a boob job.

Are you serious about
the asbestos and lead paint?

What do I know?

I just watched a few YouTube videos.

Who wants pizza rolls?

Oh, thanks, Ma.

Hey, what are you gonna do
while we're fixing this?

You can't stay here.
You got no bathroom.

You kidding?
I grew up on a farm.

Give me a kitchen sink for washin'

and a bucket for squattin',
I'm good to go.

Careful, careful, man!

Don't get that on my clothes!

That stuff is toxic!

If we're gonna get you a new tub,

what do you think about
one of those walk-in ones?

How old do you think I am?

What does age got to do with it?

I want one.

Molly won't even let me
have a chair in the shower.

I'll take a regular tub.
No fuss, no muss.

I just don't understand how
there was that much water.

We couldn't even find a burst pipe.

What's done is done.

Who cares about the why of it?

I just don't want it to happen again.

It's not gonna happen again.

What if it does, and
you're sitting at that table

when that tub comes crashing down?

Well, then that son of a bitch
at State Farm'll finally have

to pony up on my life insurance,
and you'll be 15 grand richer.

How can you be so casual about this?

'Cause it was just a stupid mistake.

I might have forgotten and left
the water running in the tub.

All night?
You left it running all night?

All night, all day.
I can't keep track of that stuff.

Ma, this isn't like you left
your porch light on.

You almost turned your house
into an ark.

Look, if it's too much work
for you, Moe and Curly,

I'll hire somebody else.

That's not what I'm saying.
Then I don't want

to hear any more about it!

Fine!

Just so we're clear,
of the three of us, I'm Moe.

Ma just left the water running and
was too embarrassed to admit it.

No big deal.
No big deal?

She just gave her bathroom
the world's biggest glory hole.

The house is old.

It doesn't take much
for things to go wrong.

You got that right.

Things get old, things go wrong.

What is that supposed to mean?

Your mom's getting up there.

Maybe her check engine light
just came on.

It's not necessarily her age.

I hate to say it, but it sounds
like late-stage syphilis.

She's reading a book on Al Capone.

She thinks everybody's
got syphilis now.

My mother does not have syphilis.

Still, to be safe, she should
notify all her partners.

No syphilis, no
partners, stop talking.

Well, if you ask me, it all sounds
a little bit too convenient.

What's convenient about a tub
coming through the ceiling?

Uh, a son that has
to spend every free moment

at his mother's house fixing it.

Is this how your brain works?

No.

It's how hers works.

My brain just figures it out.

Oh, man...

What's still

a mystery to me
is how she rigged that tub

to come through the floor at
the precise moment we arrived.

I'm thinking it has something
to do with, like,

a pre-cut floor and a timer.

You're giving her
a little too much credit.

Oh, am I?

You know, when my mental faculties
start slip-sliding away,

I want you to do the right thing.

Remarry?

Before that.

Take a lover?

No.

I want you
to end my suffering peacefully.

Tell me we're going for ice cream,

then, when I'm smiling like an
imbecile in the front seat, bing!

You whack me on the back
of the head with a hammer.

Hey, do you want
to go out for ice cream?

(whirring)

Anybody need a snack from the kitchen
before I take my whore's bath?

No, I'm good.
Nah, nah.

All right.

Well, if you hear the ding
of the microwave,

that's me heating up my washrag.

Don't run in thinking it's popcorn.

I won't come anywhere
near that kitchen.

Don't worry.
We'll get lunch delivered.

(saw whirring resumes)

Once we reinforce these joists, we
can start putting in the brackets.

How'd you learn so much
about construction?

Well, when your village gets burned
down and rebuilt every three months,

you get pretty good with your hands.

Unless, of course,
the warlords chopped them off.

PEGGY: ♪ Singin' in the bathtub ♪

♪ Sittin' all alone ♪

♪ Tearing out a tonsil ♪

♪ Just like ♪

♪ A baritone... ♪

You guys think she's okay?

She's a little pitchy,
but she can carry a tune.

I mean her mental state.

She seems all there to you,
right? Yeah.

No, she's sharp as ever.

Although she does keep
mixing me up with Carl.

I think that's less about her memory
and more about the era she grew up in.

I know you're worried
but, the way I see it,

she's still the same old Peggy Biggs.

Ma!

Oh!

Sorry. I forgot I wasn't alone.

Samuel, she's gone.

I'm gonna stay up here for a while.

How am I even supposed to start
this conversation with her?

"Hey, Ma, nice weather we're having.

By the way, we think
you're going nuts."

Well, that is not the word I'd choose.

So, what, "loopy"?
No!

"Bananas"?
No...

"Cuckoo"?
No.

You're trying to just open
a dialogue with her,

see if she's even aware
of her behavior.

I hope she's aware.

I saw things today
no son should see. Ever.

I know.
It's gonna

stick with me, Molly.

She came out of that kitchen
and there they were.

They were so white.

I told you I don't want
to hear any details.

Enough people
have already been hurt today.

Hey, Peggy.

What are you doing here?

Waiting for my son to come
tell me I'm going loony.

Oh.

Are you?

No, I've just been a
little forgetful lately.

Apparently if that happens
after you're 50,

everybody starts thinking
you got the Alzheimer's.

Mm.

Or at my age, they think
you just smoke too much pot.

Is that what your deal is?

It is, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Okay, here we are.

I'll leave you to it.

And later, you know, if you need to
forget about all your forgetting...

I'll be in my room.

So, Peggy, uh,
Mike wanted to...

talk to you about what's
been going on lately

with the bathtub
and the, the forgetfulness.

And the...
toplessness.

Mike, you want to,
you want to jump in here?

Ma, we-we love you.

We care about you.

Are-are you going nuts or what?

Mike!

I don't need to sit here
and listen to this.

Well, we just want to talk
and make sure everything's okay.

You're not gonna put me in a home.

Of course we won't.
Of course not.

Yeah, you say that now.

If things get too bad,
we'll deal with it.

Of course we will.

Yeah, worst case, you come
here and live with us.

Well, yeah, I-I...
(stammers)

We don't need to get
ahead of ourselves here.

We're not gonna ship her
off to some institution.

I'm not saying that!
Where we gonna put her here?

We're already packed in like sardines.

This is my mom!
She deserves the best.

We'll stick her in the basement.

Oh, so you can lock me down there
like some illegal housekeeper?

No, nobody is going
to live in the basement.

This is just a discussion.

Nothing is being decided.

Damn right it isn't,
'cause I'm getting out of here.

Where are my car keys?

Ma, I drove you here.

Let me take a look at that basement.

Go.

What do they need
all this nonsense for?

They just want to know
your medical history

so they can try to help
figure out what's going on.

All they want is my
Social Security number,

so they can sell it to the Russians.

I don't think that's what they do.

But we'll just leave that blank.

Okay... I'm gonna erase this because
your first name is Margaret,

and not Go To Hell.

Okay, does your family have a history
of any of the following... Glaucoma?

Yes.

Oh, okay. Anemia?

Yup.

Seizures?

Oh, yeah.

Really?

My Uncle Jumpy.

If you clicked
on the room light too quick,

he'd flop around the floor
like a fresh-caught carp.

Peggy, I know you're
nervous about all this,

but, you know, I think a lot of times,
these things turn out to be nothing.

Really, Dr. Know-It-All?

Is that your prognosis?

You mean diagnosis.

I'm... You know what?

I'm-I'm gonna turn this in.

Okay, I think that's as far
as we can go with the forms.

Oh, fine.

Have seat; we'll call you
when the doctor's ready. Okay.

Um, do you know how
long this might be?

'Cause my mother-in-law
gets a little...

You'll see.

Shouldn't be too long.

Okay. Thank you.
Mm-hmm.

Aw, damn it.

We got a runner.

Whew!

After what we saw at your mom's house,

I'm finally getting my appetite back.

I thought we weren't
gonna talk about it.

I can still see 'em
when my eyes are closed.

They were so white.

Okay. We were all there.
Well...

I'm sorry. I just, you know,
I got to talk it through.

I'm suffering a little PTS-Double-D.

Enough.

Have you heard from Molly yet?

No. I'm sure if it's anything
serious, she'll call me.

What are you gonna do
if the news ain't good?

What I always do... stick my head
in the sand and hope it goes away.

Say what you want...
it worked for jury duty.

You're gonna have to
deal with it sometime.

Well, I know,
but what options are there?

Put her in a home, move in with
her, she moves in with us.

None of these scenarios
is pleasant. Yeah.

I'm gonna have to go through
the same thing with my grandma.

What are you gonna do with her? I have
no choice, I got to do what's right.

Stick her in a home.

How is that right?
Nana raised you.

Yeah, but you see
the way she treats me.

Calling me Black Gilligan.

Sorry, little buddy.

I know...

Uh, if you like, I can discuss
your hurt feelings tonight

when she takes me out to dinner.

She's taking you to dinner?

I probably shouldn't
have said anything.

You see what I'm talking about?

If she wants to live her last days

with her loving grandson
taking care of her,

she best start treating me better.

When I get old,
I'm going back to Senegal.

Really? Hmm. Oh, yes.

In my country, elders are
treated with respect

and cherished.
Aw, that's nice. Oh. Yeah.

Of course, no one
really lives past 50.

WOMAN (over P.A.): ...you have visitors
in the main lobby. Dr. Kravitz...

Peggy?

WOMAN: Yes, sweetheart?

Sweetheart?!
Oh, sorry, wrong Peggy.

Oh. Um, excuse me. Sorry.

Hope... hope that heals.

(short laugh)

Oh, that is never gonna heal.

Lord, I'm not really comfortable

with the non-denominational
makeup of this hospital chapel,

but it'll have to do.

We both know what team You're on.

Lord, You have given me
so much over the years...

a wonderful home,
a loving son, and I...

I thank You for that.

I know You'll do with me
what You will, but

please, please,
don't take my mind.

The last thing I want to be is
a burden to the ones I love.

Peggy.
Oh! Holy hell!

Look what you did... you made
me swear in the Lord's kiosk.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I've been searching
everywhere for you.

Oh, I needed to gather my thoughts.

Or what's left of 'em.

Peggy, I'm... (sighs)

I'm not gonna pretend to know
what you're going through but...

I do think you should see a doctor

so you know what you're going through.

He's just gonna tell me
what I don't want to hear.

Maybe. Maybe not.

Then what am I gonna do?

What if I can't manage on my own?

You sure as hell
don't want to take care of me.

I don't.

You might want to work
on your bedside manner.

I didn't say I wouldn't.

I said I don't want to, and
you don't want me to, either.

But I will.

No matter how we feel about each
other, you're still my family.

I guess we are kind of
stuck with each other.

Okay. How about we go upstairs
and talk to that doctor?

Might as well get our money's worth.

That Medicaid-mooching
bastard'll probably

charge us for the appointment anyway.

See? There's the woman I
don't want to take care of.

So the doctor said Peggy's
electrolytes were off.

After all that,
she was just dehydrated.

So not looney, just thirsty?
Well...

that, and she'd gone off her
blood pressure medication,

so, yeah, kind of
threw her for a loop.

So she'll be back to normal?

Well, she'll be back to herself;
I'm not sure what you call that.

I guess the takeaway from
all this is, keep hydrated.

L'chaim.

(sighs)

MOLLY: Hey.
What's going on?

A little setback in construction.

We thought we were cutting
through some old pipes,

and unfortunately,
it was electrical conduit.

Knocked Carl clear across the room,
but his shoes stayed on the ladder.

Never seen anything like it.

Again, Ma, that's Samuel.

Whatever.

Oh, my God. Is he okay?
Yeah, he's gonna be fine. The house,

on the other hand, is gonna be
without electricity for a few days.

I guess I'll have to stay with family.

I knew that was gonna
bite me in the ass.

I'll be in the basement.
Call me when dinner's ready.

Where you going?
I'm going to her house.

I don't need no stinkin' electricity.