Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Book of Molly - full transcript

Previously on Mike & Molly...

Oh, I got in.

Well, what is going
on with you?

The Iowa Writers Workshop.

I've been accepted into
their summer writing program.

Wait a minute.

Are you actually good
at this writing thing?

I'll be living my dream
in Iowa for eight weeks.

How are you gonna ruin that,
Peggy?

Eight weeks?

Does Mike know
about all this?



Damn it, you always find a way.

I have some exciting news.

More for her than you.

Shh!

What is going on?

I've been accepted into one
of the most prestigious

writing programs in the country.

Honey, that's great!

In Iowa.

It's an opportunity
of a lifetime.

Well, I'm sure it is.

I can't believe
you did this whole deal

without even talking
to me about it.

Well, we're talking
about it now.



No, you're telling me.

Talking about it would be,

"Honey, I'm thinking
about applying

"for an out-of-state workshop
for a couple months.

You okay with that?"

Are you okay with that?

Why didn't you tell me?

Just figured
I was never gonna get in.

I was too embarrassed
to even talk about it.

Lady, you have no idea

how great you are.

Smart and talented.

Huh? And you can do anything
that you set that mind to.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I'm leaving you here
with the lunatics.

The Taser's working, right?

(laughing)
Yeah.

How long has Fido been waiting
for his master?

About an hour.

Ever since Molly called
from Naperville

when she
stopped for gas.

He got so excited,
I'm surprised he hasn't piddled.

(car horn honks)
What's that, boy?

You hear something?

Leave him alone.

This is the first
time I've seen him

on his hind legs
since she left.

Poor thing.

He's been real sad without Molly.
Mm.

Celibacy will do that
to a man.

That's why monks
are so quiet.

If you're not getting any,
what's there to talk about?

He must have been a mute
before he met Molly.

Oh, there were girls.

I mean, he'd lose a few pounds,
get his heart broken,

then come crawling back into
the arms of his best gal.

The fact that his fridge
isn't full

of women's heads is a miracle.

She's here! She's here!

There she is!

Oh, my God,
I missed you all so much!

Oh, not as much
as I missed you,

because I have been here
with them.

All right,

leave some for
the rest of us.

I missed this face.

Oh.

It felt like
you were gone for months.

Yeah, I... I actually was.

Oh, come here.
Come here.

VINCE:
Clear the way.

Step-papa coming through. Oh!

All right, all right.

How great does this feel?
I ain't never letting go.

All right, let go.

Okay.

Peggy.

You look tired.

It's weird, but
I actually missed that.

Come on, sit down,

we want to hear all about
the writing program.

All right, well,
it was a doozy.

Well, for eight intense weeks,
I was surrounded

by brilliant novelists
and poets and playwrights.

It sounds wonderful.

No, it was awful.

They hated my writing.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
No, don't be.

The more they hated it,
the more it drove me.

I dug deep,
I found my voice.

I bet you have
a beautiful voice.

No. Turns out my voice
has the mouth of a sailor.

Dirty?

Filthy.

I know I've written some racy
short stories in the past,

but this new stuff
takes the cake.

Actually, in the second chapter,
I wrote this thing with cake.

It's disgusting.

She gets it from me.

You know, you never think
they're listening,

but they're little sponges.

You know, I mean, it started out
so innocently enough.

You know, just kind of
a romantic little story

about two lonely people
who meet in Chicago, and...

Aw, that's us.

Oh, God, no.

No?
No!

No, we are nothing
like these animals.

No morals, no boundaries.

Just two people who are
willing to stop at nothing

until they satisfy
their carnal desires.

Ooh, that's a spicy blurb.

Well, you know what?
That's what the publisher said

when he bought my book!

(cheering)

(indistinct, excited chatter)

The school... the school
sent out samples,

and out of the piles
of pretentious fire,

my hot, throbbing
phoenix rose!

You sold a book!
I sold a book!

Son of a bitch!

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ La,
la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love ♪

Ooh!

That was worth the wait.

So, uh...

can I see it again?

I already
showed it to you.

Come on. I like looking at it.

God, you're insatiable.

(giggles)

Oh!

Wow. Unreal.

Oh, it's real.

Now I just have to actually
finish writing the book. (laughs)

They paid you
before you finished?

Tried that with a plumber once.
Never again.

(laughs)

Unbelievable.

I know.

You know, when you quit teaching
to become a writer,

I-I got to admit...

I'm not gonna admit.

No, tell me, tell me.

Well, it's just I've always
known that you were talented,

but, like, you know,
pay-for-groceries talented.

Not kiss-my-ass-Citibank
talented.

(giggling)

I know. I didn't think
I could do it, either.

Really?
Oh, yeah.

I felt like a total
fraud since day one.

Thank God we never talked
about this honestly.

(laughing)

Yeah, or else we
wouldn't have this, huh?

Well, here's to us both
pretending we believed in me.

To love, honor and deceive.

You know I couldn't have
done this without you.

What are you talking about?

I mean, I mean,
sure, I was your sexual muse.

No. I'm talking about
you supporting me,

even when this
whole writing thing

just seemed like
a stupid pipe dream.

Yeah, I do come out of this
smelling pretty good, don't I?

Like a big,
handsome daisy.

(chuckling)

You think you
could look at me

the way you're looking
at that check?

Gladly.
(giggling)

You ready for the sequel?

You got another
one in you?

We'll let the critics decide.

(giggling)

Oh, writer in session.

I was gonna get a snack.

Should I come back later?

No, it's fine.

Can I make you a snack?

Nope.
Tea?

I'm good.

Is the lighting okay in here?

You want a floor lamp?
Vince?! Mom!

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Okay. Okay. I just
want to make sure

my little golden goose has
a nice nest to write in.

I'm still the exact same person
I was before.

I just have
a little bit more money.

A lot more money.

Which, in America, makes you
better than everybody else.

Oh, my Lord!

Mol, this book...

The stuff at the farm?

Guess when you introduce
a milking machine

in chapter one,
you got to use it.

I still can't
believe you went off

to this fancy writing program
and came out with porno gold.

It's not porno.

It's an exploration of sexuality
for the everyday woman

who doesn't get
to see herself reflected

in an adult romance novel.

Molly.
It's not porno. It's empowering.

It's saying
that all women deserve

to experience physical intimacy

and explore their deepest,
darkest fantasies.

Molly...
All right,

it's a little porno, but...

I mean, it's written well,

and-and there's some good
life lessons in there,

you know, between the orgies.

Hey, you want to make this
a best-seller?

Laminate it, so a lady can
read it in the tub.

You know what?

That's actually not a bad idea.

Hey, what do you say
we go out and celebrate,

and spend some
of this dirty money?

Mmm, that's sounds good.

I'll Saran Wrap this
and finish it in the bath later.

Oh, did you decide who's gonna
play you in the movie?

Once again,
the character is not me.

I don't know.
Probably Renée Zellweger.

I'm telling you, Carl,

you can't imagine the relief
I felt last night.

Well, sure. Your wife was gone
for eight weeks.

And you had quite a full sack
there, Santa.

Not that.
Oh.

I'm talking about the money.

Molly's advance almost gets us
completely out of debt.

Almost? That was a hell
of a check.

What kind of hole
did you dig yourself into?

Not my hole. Hers.

We walked down the aisle,
and I fell right into it.

Hey, did you hear?
Molly sold her book.

No.
Yup.

Big advance and everything.

You know what this means?
Yeah, I can eat in a better restaurant.

It means the American Dream
is still alive.

If a humble schoolteacher
like Molly can achieve success,

there's hope
for a struggling artist like me.

Yeah, top me off, Picasso.

I'm serious.

This inspires me
to keep pursuing my dream

of becoming a famous stand-up
comedian with my own TV show.

On cable, of course.

That's where all
the good stuff is done.

Hopefully you'll be able
to fill a comedy club

better than you can
a coffee mug.

You really think I left Senegal
in the wheel well

of a cargo jet to serve you
losers crappy food?

He changes the story
about how he got to America

every time he tells it.

Yeah, I like the one where he
was on the boat with the tiger.

Mm-hmm.

(car horn honking)

What is going on out there?
I don't know.

Is it the Puerto Rican Day
Parade already?

(horn honking)

Surprise!

God bless America.

What did you do?

I bought us
a brand-new car!

This Dodge Challenger

comes fully-equipped
with a heated steering wheel

and illuminated cup holders.

What?

(laughing)

You bought a car?

Cash money, honey.

The ladies and I
were out to lunch...

Had a few cocktails.

"Obvi."

I was just trying to think
of a way to say thank you

for being so amazing
this last year.

And I looked out
the restaurant window,

and I see this little orange
dream sitting here

and I started picturing my baby

getting into this baby,
and I thought, "Oh, baby."

You bought a car.

I bought a car.

(imitates crowd cheering)

Knock it off.

We don't need a car.
I've got the Mitsubishi.

Well, just put it out
on the lawn,

like you did the couch.

Somebody's going to take it.

Why didn't you talk to me
about this?

Because you would've said
we should use the money

to pay down our debt.

We should use the money
to pay down our debt.

- See? Mike, I was trying...
- Oh.

To do something
nice for you

that you wouldn't
do for yourself.

Come on, sit in it.
No.

Come on, sit in it.
No.

I'll sit in it.
No!

Nobody is sitting in this car
except Molly

to take it back.

I'm not taking it back.

You're taking
this back.

Mike, don't be a jerk.

I love you.
Take the damn car.

Molly, I love you, too.

Don't be stupid.
Take it back.

Hey, we don't use
the "S" word.

You called me a "J."

Well, you're lucky
I didn't call you an "A-H""

Guys, guys, stop

before you spell something
you're gonna regret.

I got news for you, pal.

I'm gonna keep succeeding

and I'm going to keep buying
stupid stuff.

So you either get on this train
or get out of the way.

All aboard, ladies.

And yeah, I know
I'm getting into a car

while using a train metaphor,

but frankly, my dear,
I don't give a damn.

Yeah, I'm quoting
Gone with the Wind.

And if you don't like it,
you can kiss my grits.

(engine revving,
tires squealing)

Don't you think you're going
a little fast, sweetie?

Who the hell doesn't
jump up and down

when they get a new car?

In Mike's defense,
I've never seen him jump.

Oh, I walked in on him naked
in the bathroom once.

He caught some air.

You know, I worked too hard
to take this car back.

I deserve satellite radio
and a heated steering wheel.

Actually, my fingers
are frying.

Just turn-turn it off.
Turn it off.

You know, now that
I'm losing my buzz,

this does seem like
a pretty big purchase.

Are you saying
I should take this back?

Or go get another drink.

I... I got a book deal.

How am I supposed to rub

a zero-balance credit card
statement in people's faces?

You don't need to rub
anything in anybody's face.

She did in chapter three.

Speed bump!

Hey.

Hello, dummy.

What's your problem?

On behalf of every man
in this country,

I should kick you
in the potatoes.

Good luck. They've already been
peeled and mashed.

She wanted to give you a car.

Why couldn't you just take it
like a good little husband?

Because I can buy my own car.

Two things:
Number one... no, you can't.

Number two...

no, you can't.

Look, it's not right, okay?

I'm supposed to shower her
with gifts,

not vice versa.

It's like that Ferris wheel
sex scene in her book...

everything's backwards
and upside down.

What the hell's
wrong with you?

Women want to be
the man? Let 'em.

They can pull out my chair,
open my door.

Put their coat on my bare
shoulders when it's cold.

Your shoulders don't need
a coat... they need a comb.

As far as I'm concerned,
broads can have the power,

and all the crap
that goes with it...

hair loss, hypertension,
prostate problems.

Women don't have prostates.

Give 'em time.

Then sit back and relax.

They'll die ten years before us,

and we'll be the ones who are
able to walk around the mall

in big red hats, spending their
life insurance policies.

That's the world
I want to live in.

Well, if it includes you in
a red hat with bare shoulders,

I'm going to stay here
with my swollen prostate.

So what if you're a little rusty
around the edges.

You still got a couple of good
years left, don't you, girl?

MOLLY (playfully):
Kill me.

Kill me.

That's very funny.

So, how's the old bucket
of bolts doing?

If you remember correctly,
this bucket of bolts

was good enough for you
when we first started dating.

No, I hated it
from the beginning.

I was just being polite.

I was trying to get
in your pants.

You kidding?

You could have said you hated
the Bulls, Bears, Cubs

and cops, these pants
were gettin' got into.

I got you something.

What's this?

It's a little less
flashy tribute

to my supportive husband.

Tube socks!

Gold toe. Gold toe.

Nice.

You forgive me?

Molly, you bought a car
without even talking to me.

Honey, it was a bad-ass car.

But...

it was the wrong
thing to do,

and I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I know you're
this big fancy writer now,

making all this money but...

you buying that car without me
made me feel superfluous.

"Superfluous"?

I read it in your book.
I had to look it up.

Mike, you could never be
superfluous.

I... I will always need you.

Good.

I used it right.

So, you read my book?

Of course I did.

Well... what'd you think?

I think that in between
all the orgies,

you got some really
good stuff in there.

You get me.

You really get me.

(groans)

You want to follow me
back to the dealer,

'cause I'm going to
take that car back.

Yes.

I know it doesn't feel good,

but deep down, you know
it's the smart choice.

Well, smart sucks.

I love you, too.

(grunts)

(engine turns, stops)
Come on.

(engine turns, stops)
Come on!

(engine starting)

Hey!

There you go!

See?

We don't need a new car.

Call Mike.

CHALLENGER:
Your number is being dialed.

Oh, God, we could've been
such good friends.

Hello?
MOLLY: Where are you?

I'm a couple blocks
from the house.

Where are you?

I'm almost to the expressway.

For God sakes,
how fast are you going?

I don't know. Not very...

Ooh, almost 80.

Whoa!
God, it's so smooth.

I'll slow down.

Okay, hang on.
Okay, I-I see you.

I'll be there in a minute.

All right, first one
to the dealership wins.

No, I don't want to race.

Come on, I'll keep it in first.

Molly...
Here we go.

All right, damn it.

Okay, old girl,
let's show her what we can do.

(bang)

Oh, boy.

Ooh, careful.

Looks like a car's caught fire
back there.

Yeah, that jackass
is blocking traffic.

I'll meet you at the dealership.

(horn honking)

Yeah, yeah! Go around!