Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 15 - Three Girls and an Urn - full transcript

Can't believe I'm having dinner
at your mom's on a Wednesday night.

Our deal was Sundays only.
Okay? You owe me.

And no foot rubs.
I want cold, hard cash.
Ripped By mstoll

All right, come on, come on, now.

She just says she has
a surprise for me.

- Just roll with it.
- That last time she said that,

she had us come over and look
at a stain on her carpet

that she thought looked like Jesus.

Yeah, that was ridiculous.
At best, I was seeing Kenny Loggins.

About time.

What'd you bring her for?
It's not Sunday.



- WOMAN: Is that my boy?
- Kay?!

Meatball! Get in here.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

- It's been years. How you been?
- Oh, you know me.

Give me a passport, a plane ticket
and clean panties, I'm good to go.

Oh, Kay, you're aawul.

The nuns at school used
to beat her blue for that mouth.

Yeah, well,
they broke a lot of rulers,

but they never broke me.

And who is this?

Meatball's got himself
a little girlfriend?

This is Molly. My wife.

Mom never told you?

Well, I didn't want to bother her
if it turned out to be nothing.



I don't go around
bragging about you, either.

Boy, you must've been pretty strong

to pry him
out of her cold, dead hands.

Bring it in, Mrs. Meatball.

Okay. Oh, we got a hugger!

So, Kay, how long you
in town for this time?

Just the week.
My mom passed,

so I have to make
all the arrangements.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.

She and I had kind of
a rocky relationship.

"Rocky?" She attacked you
with a meat cleaver.

Thank God she passed out drunk
on her backswing.

(LAUGHING)

The mother-daughter stuff
can be kind of complicated.

Yeah, that's the truth.

Anyway, I'm just here
to make sure she's dead.

And to, uh... see my godson here

and meet his lovely bride.

You two are just so cute,
I could just eat you up.

(CHUCKLING)

Give me some of that sugar!

Get over here, Peg!

I'm good.

Yeah, that's right. I forgot.
You weren't much of a hugger.

Unless it involved a boy
and the backseat of a car.

Kay, they don't need
to hear all that.

Yeah, we really don't.

Whatever happened
to that kid with the short arm

who'd give you 50 cents
to punch him in the onions?

Rusty? He's a city alderman.

Still got a short arm,
still comes sniffing around.

- You slut!
- Call me what you will.

At least there's no potholes
on my street.

She just called your mom a slut.

I love her.

♪ (THEME SONG PLAYS)

- MIKE: One.
- KAY: One.

This doesn't seem safe.

- Two.
- Two.

Don't worry about it. They've been
doing it since he was little.

- Three!
- Three!

Whoa! You've gotten a lot better
since you were 12!

Ha! You can beat a boy.
Let's see if you can beat a man.

Yeah, well, when one shows up,
I'll take him on.

(SHOUTING)

Yeah! Yeah!

Damn it! Best out of three!

Walk it off, Meatball.
She's too good.

Kay was our high school
leg wrestling champ.

She even beat Sister Carmelina.

I had to. The old
penguin wouldn't give me

a recommendation
to Berkeley until I pinned her.

- You went to Berkeley?
- Class of '71.

Wow. Eye of the storm.
Protests and sit-ins.

That's... That must've been
so exciting.

That's what I hear.
I don't remember much of it.

The only thing I took more than acid
was a police baton to the head.

You know, in...
When I was in college,

I took an ultimate frisbee
to the head.

There's, like, a good,
you know, 45 minutes

that just are completely blank.

You get it. That's exactly
why I took up photography.

I mean, it just sort of helps you

piece together
what you did the day before.

Kay started working
for National Geographic

- right after the Peace Corps.
- National Geographic? Oh, my...

I have been collecting that
since I was 13.

I mean, that's why we can't
even park in the garage.

She'd send me letters
from all over the world.

The first naked lady
I ever saw was a picture

Kay took of a tribe
in the rainforest.

Who knew an old Kayapo
woman washing her clothes

in the river would usher
you into manhood?

Hey, is that why you made me
hand wash your sweaters?

Maybe.

Kay has seen every inch
of this filthy planet.

Yeah, there's only one place
I wouldn't dare go back to.

- Somalia?
- Florida.

Aawul place.
Mickey Mouse, meth and mullets.

Let the Cubans have it.

So what's on the docket
for tomorrow?

Well, in the morning,
I got to be there when they run

Mom's carcass
through the incinerator.

Then, to keep the party going,
I thought I'd hit the Art Institute.

Glad I'm working. Art museums.

Just a way for perverts to look
at nude babies with wings.

Oh, Peg, the world changes.
You never do.

You know, I'm free tomorrow

if you're looking
for somebody to tag along.

I thought you had to stay home
and pretend to write your book.

- You're a writer?
- (SCOFFS)

Yeah, aspiring author, yes.

Well, why don't you come with me?

We'll look at paintings
and I'll give you

some stories to write about.

Seriously? I would...
I would love that.

Well, let's iron out the details
in the morning.

And wear some comfortable shoes.
I like to cover a lot of ground.

So do I.

It's like...
It's like we're the same person.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
urgent business to the south.

I got to meet a man
at Marwar Junction.

I love Kay.

She's got the greatest expressions
for going to the can.

Is that what that meant?

Oh, God, she even makes going to
the bathroom sound like an adventure.

See? Aren't you glad
you came and met Kay

- instead of faking that migraine?
- I really am.

Just so you know,
Kay doesn't really want you

to tag along with her
to the museum.

She invited me.

Yeah. Don't you understand when
someone's just trying to be polite?

Not in this house.

- She's here a week.
- Yeah, and you're working.

She's my friend.
Go find your own.

You know, I really think I am
starting to get a headache.

- Where do those migraines start?
- Right there.

Kay sounds great.
I'd love to meet her.

I'd love to be her.

What makes her so special?

She's just full of life,

and she's traveled
all over the world.

So did I.
I was a flight attendant.

You didn't explore the jungle.
You explored airport bars.

Hey, those bars can be
just as dangerous.

There's creepy predators,
exotic diseases.

And either place
you're gonna get bushwhacked.

I'm just saying, you get to meet
a woman like Kay once in a lifetime,

and I'm not gonna pass up
an opportunity

to spend the day with her.

So you're still
going to the museum?

Yeah, why wouldn't I?

Because it's pretty obvious
my mother doesn't want you to go.

- You're being silly.
- I'm being smart.

The last thing you want to do
is get on her bad side.

Is there a good side?

Yes, and believe it or not,
you're on it.

Your tires aren't slashed,
no dog turds in the mailbox,

and the women at her church
don't think you have syphilis.

God!

Why do you think that amazing house
across the street from her

- gets sold every year?
- I thought it was black mold.

She's the black mold.

Please, just leave Kay alone.

- But we...
- (INTERRUPTING) Ah, ah, ah! Ah!

Make good choices.

This is stupid.

A grown woman telling
me who I can't be friends with.

Maybe Peggy and Kay
are more than friends.

What?

You said they went to
an all-girls school.

Dorm full of pubescent teens,
brimming with sexual curiosity.

Lights go out.

A gentle hand reaches over.

Caressing your red hair.

Telling you you're pretty
when no one else will.

Mom?

I'm just trying to help
Molly make sense

of a confusing time
in a girl's life.

No, this is confusing!

God, I'm calling Kay.

- That's the spirit.
- Fight for your woman.

No... It's not like that.
I just...

I want to go see some art

with one of the most interesting
women I have ever met.

Mike might be afraid
of his mother, but I am not.

- (RINGING)
- (CLEARS THROAT)

- Hello?
- (DEEP VOICE) Wrong number.

You know I love my wife.

But the more you tell her
not to do something,

the more she's gonna do it.

Molly has to know
three women can't get along.

I mean, with guys, it works.

Three musketeers,
three stooges, us. It's magical.

You know why it works with guys?
Because Curly doesn't care

if Moe takes Larry to the museum.

It's a friendship,
not a competition.

- In a perfect world.
- What are you talking about?

Carl, please.
You'd be horribly jealous

if Mike and I did
something without you.

(CHUCKLING)
No, I wouldn't.

Have you done something without me?

Mike, we can't keep living this lie.

We went bowling.
No big deal.

One time. It just happened.

- I see.
- You can't be mad.

No, I'm not.
The two of you went out,

you had some fun.
I'm happy for you.

- Really?
- Of course.

That's a relief, because...

Okay, don't you touch me.

You did not.

Well, I broke
a couple of commandments,

but, I mean, you got to do
what you got to do

- to get out of a Turkish prison.
- Oh, my God.

I once showed my cleavage
to get away from mall security,

so I think we've both done
things we're not so proud of.

You know, I'm so glad
you called this morning,

but when I answered the phone,

it sounded like you had
an English accent.

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Did I?

This is one of the best
collections I've seen.

Yeah.

I mean, the best
that's been legally obtained.

What does that mean?

Fidel Castro had
amazing taste in stolen art.

What?

But for a Latin,
he was a lousy lover.

Oh, my God, there
are so many things about that sentence

that you need to explain to me.

Well, pace yourself.
I got a lot more stories,

we got a lot more art to see.

Before we do that, I need
to sit down with Georgia O'Keeffe

and have a wee chat.

I'm sorry, but I love it when
you have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, you know what,
let's go up to the third floor.

There's one up there, and then we
can catch the Americana exhibit.

(BELL DINGS)

Miss me?

Bloody hell.

All right, ladies,
here's your coffee. Fuel up.

We still have all of
the Expressionists to explore.

I just wish that The Scream
was here.

- That's really my favorite.
- You want to hear something cool?

The reddish sky
that Munch painted...

Yeah.

...was inspired
by the eruption of Krakatoa.

No, I did not know that.

I swear, being with you is like
taking a master class in awesome.

Kay, remember that volcano
we made in eighth grade?

You know... several summers ago,
I was in Naples

when Vesuvius was
just spewing lava,

and we had just come from Pompeii.

Don't you adore Naples?

I mean, it's full
of dwarves and hunchbacks

and the best pizza in the world.

- Pizzeria Brandi.
- Molto bene.

Oh, que bella.

If you two are gonna keep speaking
SpaghettiOs, I'm leaving.

- Peg, take it easy.
- Don't you see what she's doing?

She's trying to take you from me.

This is Dolores Wisnicki
all over again.

Are you still stuck on that?
That's 50 years ago.

You don't forget
a betrayal like that.

She came rolling into town
in her new Cutlass Supreme,

and you left me behind
like a fart at a party.

You're being ridiculous.

You know what's ridiculous
is three-fifty for a cup of coffee.

What?

Did you ever think maybe it wasn't
Dolores's car that drove me away?

What's that supposed to mean?

You know, I almost
drowned in the Amazon.

I've even had worms
living in my eyeballs.

But the worst pain in my ass
has been being friends with you.

You're no walk in the park.

I get you one week
every three years.

You're like a yeast infection!

Well, my dear,
consider yourself cured.

You want to tell me about
the volcano in eighth grade? Okay.

- What did you do?!
- I didn't make good choices.

- No, you didn't!
- I'm so sorry.

Honey, in one day, you managed
to destroy five decades of friendship

because you couldn't leave
well enough alone.

It was just a little trip
to the museum.

She's blowing this out of proportion.

It's my mother.
Blowing stuff up is what she does!

- I can talk to her.
- You can't.

You've been banished
from the house. But I haven't.

I still get to go
all by myself. Yay!

You know, you were my buffer.

Wasn't the reason I married you,
but it was a big plus!

Listen, your mom
just needs to cool off.

She doesn't cool off.

She keeps burning
like an underground fire!

All right, Mike,
I will make this right.

Impossible!
You're done. I'm all alone.

No partner, no backup.
You handed me to her on a platter.

(KNOCKING)

Peggy, it's Molly.
It's been two days.

You have to talk to me
at some point.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Peggy, please.

Okay, I know I shouldn't have
gotten in between

you and your friend, and I'm sorry.

You can be mad at me all you want,
but I'm not giving up on you.

Because I don't give up on family.

Oh, come on!
I worked on that speech all day!

(BARKING)

(THUDDING)

Jim, what are you barking at?

(SCREAMING)

It's me! It's just...

- It's just me.
- Oh, God.

I thought you were Kay's dead
mother coming back to haunt me.

I'm sorry.

What are you doing here?
Get out of my house.

No, not until we talk.

You heard all I want to say to you.
Now, out!

You're running out of people
to ban from your house, Peggy.

- I don't care.
- I don't believe that.

I mean, I believe
that you never want me

to be in your house again, but...

Okay, well, but about Kay?

I mean, you're just gonna
throw away 50 years of friendship?

Watch me.

If I can do it to a sister,
I can do it to her.

- Mike has an aunt?
- Not anymore.

- Are you through?
- No. And neither is Kay.

You know, your best friend
is at a funeral home

saying goodbye
to her mother right now.

And she wants you there.

- No, she doesn't.
- Yes, she does.

How do you know?

Because she... told me.

What were her exact words?

"I want Peggy... there."

That does sound like her.

What'd I tell you?
Nobody.

What are you doing here?

She said you wanted me to come.

I never said that.

Okay, it doesn't matter who said
what or whether any of it was true.

The important thing is
is that you're...

You're both here together.

- Take me home.
- No.

Nobody should have to say
goodbye to their mother alone.

Go.

I thought she'd outlive
us both just for spite.

It's odd.

All that hatefulness
packed into one little urn.

I'm glad you came.

Wouldn't be anywhere else.

Thanks for giving Molly
another chance, Ma.

Well, sometimes
you got to learn to forgive.

Otherwise, you end up
with nobody at your funeral

and your ashes in a dumpster
behind the Walgreens.

Okay, you gonna wrestle
orjust lay there?

BOTH: One!

Remember, Molly,
it's all about balance.

Two!

Come on, Kay, do her
like you done Mikey!

Three!

(STRAINING)

Good God, she's strong!

I... am... Mrs. Meatball!

- (SHOUTING)
- (CHEERING)
Ripped By mstoll

(English US - SDH)