Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Dice Lady Cometh - full transcript

Your suitcase feels light.

Well, I need the space.
It's a nice hotel,

and I plan on taking everything
that's not nailed down.

You can't tell me you're
gonna steal. I'm a cop.

So you don't want me
to swipe you a robe?

Absolutely not.

Or slippers, if they're the big,
fluffy kind I like. (giggles)

You girls enjoy
yourselves at the casino.

And when you get there,
put this on 29 black.

Odds are 35 to one.

If it hits, it'll be $700.



With those winnings, put $100

on each of the following numbers:

Eight, 13, 20, 28, 29 and 30. Now,

if one of those hits, that's $3,500.

Put $2,600 in your pocket, then
bet $200 on each of the numbers.

When that hits, it'll be seven grand.

At that point, call me for step two.

Did you get all that?

28, 29, 30.

Yeah, pretty simple.

All right, your bag is in the trunk.

Call me when you get to the hotel.

Remember, no open containers in the car.

Tell your mom I smelled
the wine in her travel mug.



All right?

She's got to down it or dump it.

She filled that up
like five minutes ago.

That thing's bone-dry.
(laughs)

I wish you were going.

No, you don't.
I really don't. Is that bad?

No. You're having a girls' weekend,

I'm having a boys' weekend.
Yeah.

You're gonna get spa treatments

and I'm not gonna shower
for two days. Everybody wins.

All right, Joyce, I love you.

Have fun and be safe.

Take your pick. I can't do both.

Be safe.

And don't forget.

Eight, 13, 20, 28, 29 and 30.

Unless the dealer has an anchor tattoo.

Then tell Roy "hi" and
put everything on black.

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da

♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love

♪ I see love ♪

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
This is great.

I haven't had a bed to myself

since that magical weekend
when I had the flu.

Sleeping with Vince
is no picnic, either.

Night sweats, salami breath.

And in the morning, it ain't
Mr. Bluebird pecking on my shoulder.

Well, we only got two beds, so
someone is sleeping with somebody.

All right, pick a number
between one and ten.

Five.

Oh. No.

Guys, we did not come here to sleep.

We are in Indiana.
(whoops)

By the time we leave, they're
gonna call it Sindiana.

(whoops)

Come on, Mol, let's
go down to the casino.

Nope. The only thing I'm
gambling on is whether or not

my masseuse notices
that my coupon's expired.

All right, then, enjoy your massage.

And remember, if their hand
slips, it's not cheating.

(whoops)

This is living, huh?

Eat what you want, watch what you want,

no ladies telling you to put
your drink on a coaster.

You told me to put
my drink on a coaster.

'Cause your glass
sweats more than you do.

All right, we got pork chops,
hamburgers, ribs and sausage.

Everything is on a bone or a bun.

No utensils needed.

And if you got a shirt,
you got a napkin.

Let the games begin.

Uh, da, da, da, da, da.

You forgetting something?

Oh, the mustard.
Yeah, I don't do that anymore.

I-I think my palate's evolving.

Uh, da, da.

We got the department
fitness test coming up.

That's next week.

This is today.

Back off.

Uh, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

You think that sausage is gonna
leave your system by next week?

Are you kidding? I haven't eaten
anything this greasy in months.

This will be out of
my system in an hour. Uh-uh.

Uh, da, da.

Have you done anything to
prepare for this? Yeah.

I marinated these sausages all night.

Man, I'm talking about the fitness test.

You're chewing your way to failure.
Aw.

What's he got to do, touch his toes?

'Cause I think that ship has sailed.

No, he-he'got to run
a mile in 13 minutes,

he's got to bench 60% of his body
weight... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

stop right there.

I don't think Lou Ferrigno
could bench 60% of that.

40 bucks says Mike can't do it.

I'll take some of that action.

I've seen him pick up
and shake a vending machine

to dislodge a stuck bag of chips.

Yeah, but that's adrenaline.

Like a mom lifting a car off her baby.

I'll take a lick of that lollipop.

You'll take a lick off anything.

Shut him up.

I will shut you all up.

I got a weight bench in the basement.

Here, hold my plate.

Smart move.

(slot machines dinging)

Seven out.
Aw.

Damn it.

Should have given the dice
a little lucky blow.

Should've given one to the dealer.

Hey.
Hey.

How was your massage?

Great. I got the shiatsu'd out of me.

Well, we're getting worked over
pretty good here, too.

New shooter.

(gasps)

We got one, right here.
What, me?

No, I've never played before.

I know.

Hey. I got a virgin shooter here.

(whoops) Yes.

I give you my firstborn.

And you, give me a $5 "yo" coming out.

Anyway, I should be pretty good at this.

Like Yahtzee with less dice, huh?

Yo, 11, winner.
(whooping, cheering)

Thank you.
What just happened?

(chuckles) You won.
Oh.

Wow, that was fun.

Thanks, you guys. I'm
gonna meet you back up...

Mol, no, no, it's not over yet.

You got to keep rolling.

Well, when do I stop?
(chuckles)

When Mama's driving home
in her new Escalade.

Now roll.

Roll until we're in
a different tax bracket.

Winner.
(cheering, whooping)

Give... me... my...
sausage.

Can't lift a toilet seat, but when
there's smoked meat involved,

he turns into the Incredible Bulk.

You satisfied?

It's not your strength
I'm worried about.

You're built like a gorilla.
Same haircut and everything.

It's the mile run that scares me.
Drop it, Carl.

I just benched 210,
which is more than enough

to throw you out of the house.

Yeah, why don't you
run me around the house

and round the block a couple of times.

Ha, ha, very funny.

No, seriously. I'll give you
an eight-hour head start.

I can't believe that lump benched 210.

You know, it's a proven
fact overweight people

are surprisingly strong.

Every time I tie my shoes, it's a
200-pound ad lift to sit back up.

I'm just saying.

I bet you can't even lift 100 pounds.

Feats of strength,
or lack thereof, bore me.

Entice me with something
more challenging.

A duel of endurance,
a test of my mental fortitude.

Double or nothing, he can fit
50 marshmallows in his mouth.

50?

That's the number.

He barely has room for his tongue.

It's a bet.
(laughs)

You've already lost
and you don't even know it.

(whooping, cheering)

All right.
Yeah, yeah.

Let's press the six, eight, nine.

Hard ways for the dealer.
Let's buy that Bo Derek for $50.

(whoops)

Come on, Molly, you can do it.
Hit that hard eight.

MOLLY: Yes!

(cheering, whooping)

The hard way.

I love you.
(laughing)

I don't say it often enough,
but I love you.

Maybe we should cash out
while we're ahead. Yeah,

I may not have an Escalade,
but I can lease a Hyundai.

I can't leave them.
They need me, right?

Shooter! Shooter!

Shooter! Shooter!
That's me. I'm Shooter.

All right.
Who wants a hard ten?

CROWD: Hard ten! Hard ten!

Hard ten it is!
(cheering, whooping)

Can you dig it?

SAMUEL: 46.

47.

48.

Choke, damn you, choke.

49.

And 50.

You should see your face.

What? Are you crazy?

Carl, come on. Seriously,
give me back my nachos.

No, this is for your own good.

You know what'll happen if you
don't pass that fitness test.

You get desk duty. Huh?

Is that why you became a cop?
To protect and file?

Look, I get it.

No, you don't get it.

If you don't clean up your act,
you're gonna end up a desk donkey.

Oh, would you shut up about that?

I'm worried about you.
Well, so am I!

Okay? I don't think
that I can pass that thing.

That mile run's been on my mind
for a month and a half.

I'm too slow, I'm too out of shape,

and I don't need you pointing
out things that I already know!

Mike Biggs is gonna be a desk donkey.

Haw, haw! There. You happy?

(door slams)

What are you looking at?

Those nachos.

Oh. The buffet was wonderful.

Mom, you got a crab leg
sticking out of your purse.

Well, it said "all you can eat""
and I'm not done.

STICKMAN: Snake eyes.
Craps.

(groans) Cowards!

Where are you going?
Yeah, don't come crawling back

when old Shooter catches fire again!

Molly, have you been here
the whole time? (sighs)

No. No, I went back up
to the room to get my purse

and to look through your bags for money.

STICKMAN: Craps.
(groans)

Why have you forsaken me?!

Okay, Mol, I think we
need to take a break.

No, I can't.
I got to win my money back.

How much did you lose?

All of it.

And more. So much more.

I mean, why would they
let you take money out

on your credit card?
Why would they do that?

Why would they do that?

So they can have all-you-can-eat
crab legs in the middle of Indiana.

Ooh, let's hit that machine.

(door opens)

Hey.

Hey.

Mind if I join you?

You've been sitting next to me
for eight years.

Might as well do it while we still can.

All right, well,
scoot over. I'm driving.

(exhales, sniffs)

(exhales)

I'm sorry.

I had no idea what
you were going through.

That's because I wasn't dealing
with it myself.

Yeah, but still, I shouldn't
have pushed you so hard.

I just...

I don't want to lose my partner.

Neither do I.

(sighs) I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Well, the way I see it,
we got two options.

I throw the test and
desk-donkey it up with you,

or we get you to run that mile.

I'm telling you, man, I can't.

You can.

I'm out of shape.

How is that news? You've
never been in shape.

Thanks a lot.
No, I'm serious.

Do you know how many times

I didn't think you were
gonna pass that test?

Every time. (chuckles) (chuckles)

Well, my streak's ending.

It's finally caught up with me.

Aw, that's bull. You
squeak by every year.

You're Mike "Squeaky" Biggs.

You're the man who does
the absolute minimum

at the last minute with the
least amount of effort possible.

You will squeak again.

You really believe that?

You know what I believe? I believe...

if we run around this block right now,

you would do a 13-minute mile
in 12 minutes, 59 seconds

'cause that's how you do.

I don't know about "run."

There he is. Already lowering the bar.

How about a brisk walk?

What the hell?

Let's show these sons of bitches
the least I can do.

MAN: Yeah, you have to wear
the bathing suit.

It's nice just sitting
in the room watching a movie.

Way better than gambling.
Much better.

I am... I am glad I'm not down there.

You know what, I think
I'm gonna take a shower.

(quietly): You gonna be okay
alone with her?

Please. If I can keep you
in high school,

I can keep her in a hotel room.

(clicks tongue) Ooh...

Where are you going?

Nowhere. I'm just getting some ice.

Oh, you know what?
We're almost out.

I should probably refill this.

We'll send your sister when she's done.

Oh, nonsense.
I'm already... I'm already up.

Move.

Make me.

Are we doing this?

We're doing this.

Please.

You're not going anywhere!
No! No!

You are not going anywhere!
Get off me!

Stop! You're not going anywhere!
Get off me!

No!

(panting) Oh!

(muffled): No! Victoria, help!

Ha!

What are you gonna do?

You got no money to gamble with.

Yeah? Where's the $20
that Vince gave you?

In my bra.

Is it? Ha!

You felt up your own mother.

How low will you go?

I hope to God I don't have to find out.

(mutters)

(beeping) Yes.

(coins clinking) That, uh... I w...
I was playing that one.

You should've kept playing it.

Well, how about... how about
we say that we'll split it?

Why don't we say you shove it?

You're a nasty woman.

Enjoy the little time you have left.
Oh...

(coughing)

(whispers): Thank you.

Go forth. Go forth and multiply.

(chuckles)

So how long's this 13-minute mile been?

We're going on 48 minutes.

Think he can shave a half hour
off by Thursday?

I'm hoping he's back by Thursday.

Little help here!

And 48:15.

What happened?

(grunts) I think I tore my Achilles.
Yeah,

he was showboating,
running laps around me,

tried to jump a parking meter.

Yeah, they're making 'em
taller than they used to.

Or maybe your balls got longer.

Mine drop an eighth of an inch a year.

Can we just get him
in the house, please?

(grunts) It was unbelievable.

Mike just picked me up and
carried me for seven blocks.

I wasn't heavy.

I was his brother.

It's all right, Carl.
No,

it's not. I'm done.
I'm gonna get put on desk duty.

Hee-haw.
Shut up.

But you, you're gonna make it.

'Cause when the chips are down,
Mike Biggs always comes through.

Thanks, buddy.
Can we get him inside, please?

Just out of curiosity, what
would he have run that mile in?

It doesn't matter.
It kind of does matter.

There's a lot of money
riding on the over-under.

And, remember, alternate ice and heat.

Ice for the leg
and heat for my sausages.

I'm in better shape than I thought.

Hey.

Oh, thank God you're home.

(grunts, pants)

What happened to you?

I benched 210 pounds...
Aw.

Carried Carl seven blocks

and then Harry threw up the biggest
marshmallow I've ever seen.

How was your weekend?

Oh, well, you know, it was...

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

How much did you lose?

A lot.
Molly.

And then I just won so much more.

(whoops)

Oh, my God.

Yeah, Vince is not the only one
with a system.

Lay down on the bed.
I've always wanted to do this.

(whooping)

(chuckles) How much is that?

Ten grand, which means,
like, $800 is profit.

Ooh...

You were down nine grand?!

Just shut up and giggle!