Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 14 - Rich Man, Poor Girl - full transcript

James, it's so great to finally meet you.

You're all Victoria's been
talking about for weeks.

Can you blame me? He's
just the sweetest thing.

Allergic to green beans,
and ate 'em all up anyway.

I'll... I'll be fine.

I think it's gonna be more of a rash

than a throat-closing.

We... we got plenty
more if you want seconds.

How come he gets prime rib and green beans?

My first meal here was
cooked by Chef Boyardee.

'Cause he's a lawyer and you're a cop.



So?

So he's on the right side of the law.

The money side.

A lawyer, huh?

You good? Would I have seen
your face on the side of a bus?

I... I'm not really that kind of lawyer.

Keep at it. You'll get there.

Don't you go anywhere.

You are right where you need to be.

And so is my hand.

So, uh, where'd you find this guy?

- Oh, you're gonna love this.
- It's the old

"boy meets girl, boy
convinces judge that girl

"was just holding pot
for someone else" story.



Well, there's one for the grandkids.

Who knew that those words...

"you have the right to an attorney"...

would change my life?

Attorney.

That's my favorite part.

Finally, somebody who'll help

get us out of a ticket for a ch.

You blocked in an ambulance.

I saw the stiff they were loading in.

Me parking somewhere else
wasn't gonna bring him back.

Hey, big guy, why don't you see

what's taking your wife
so long with that coffee?

Well, I'm sure she's brewing a fresh pot.

Unlike the Styrofoam cup of instant I got.

This guy. The way your
mom's fawning all over him,

you'd think he farts Glen Campbell songs.

Is the coffee almost ready?

Almost.

Lawyer, successful, charity work.

Just 'cause he's better than everybody else

does not mean he's better
than everybody else.

All right, don't get
yourself all worked up.

He's gonna be gone and forgotten

before you even learn his last name.

I don't know. He seems pretty perfect.

Yeah, and that's his fatal flaw.

- What do you mean?
- Every couple of years,

Victoria brings home a great guy, nice,

treats her right, then she dumps him.

The key is not to get attached.

I don't know, she seems
to really like this one.

Yeah, she also liked the fireman
that saved turtles and the

pharmacist that played the cello,

who I thought was perfect for her.

Plus, he gave my mom free Vicodin

and I got free opera tickets.

And the next thing you know,
she just cuts him loose.

Right before La Boh?me.

Just remember,

protect yourself. Don't get too invested.

You'll just end up getting hurt.

- So, are we still serving him coffee?
- Yeah, sure. Just 'cause he's

dead to us doesn't mean we can't be polite.

So, Mike, how was dinner with
the new boyfriend last night?

Is Victoria still off the market?

What do you care? You can't
afford to shop at that market.

She don't take food stamps.

Or your Visa.

You're everywhere she doesn't want to be.

Uh, I don't...

I don't think this fella
stands much of a chance, either.

Apparently, she doesn't like
nice guys who treat her right.

Well, that's to be expected.

You know, you can't break a
wild palomino like Victoria

with please and thank-yous. Mm-mm.

You got to use the whips, spurs.

Bring out the nasty stuff.

Hey, that's my sister-in-law.

good guys finish last.

I mean, why do you think I'm still single?

Because women have caller ID?

I'm sorry, is your pocket full of numbers?

Yeah, um...

Better to have been blocked

than never to have called at all.

See, I don't get what these
women see in these bad boys.

I mean, every tattooed
creep we arrest has at least

a couple of gals writing to 'em in jail.

How about that? Guys doing 25 to life

getting more tail than we do.

Be careful what you wish for.

Some of that prison tail
may not be the kind we want.

Try Googling "James, lawyer, Victoria,

boyfriend, allergic, green beans."

- Mm. Still nothing.
- I don't know why you guys are doing this.

You're just setting yourself
up for disappointment.

Try "James, Chicago, lawyer, Victoria,

boyfriend, allergic, green beans."

- Parrish. His last name is Parrish.
- Oh. James...

Parrish. Here it is.

Graduated Northwestern, first in his class.

Spends his summers building
houses in Guatemala.

Yeah, yeah, good for him.
Does his family have money?

Oh, says here

his great-grandfather invented
the dustless vacuum bag.

Hot dog, we're rich.

Wh... what's a Rhodes scholar?

He studied at Oxford?

No, I don't want to...
I don't want to know.

I don't want to care.

Dead... to... me.

Morning.

Hey, where were you?

Out for a jog. Gonna run a
10K with James next month.

We're raising money for Ms.

M.S.

Molly, I know how it's spelled.

Wow. First you quit
pot, now you're jogging.

Wait, hold on. You quit pot?

Cold turkey.

I can't wait to finally pet a police dog.

Victoria, that's great.
I'm so proud of you.

Thanks.

Hardest part was breaking
the news to my dealer.

He cried, threw things, talked
about having to downsize.

It got real ugly.

Can you believe this? I've
never seen her so happy.

Okay, pooh-pooh James all you want,

but that man is a good influence on her.

Based on these Facebook pictures,

there might be a bigger influence.

Looks like he's got a Pringles can

in his bike shorts.

Oh.

Welcome to the family.

Mol, can you come help me with this dress?

Oh.

Usually my zippers are in the front

and they don't go up so high.

Very conservative.

You gonna knock on doors
and spread the word?

No.

I'm meeting James' parents tonight

and want to make a good impression.

You're meeting his parents?
You never meet parents.

I know. But it's important to James and...

James is important to me.

Wow. Really?

Yeah.

I've never really felt
this way about a guy before.

Oh, God, please don't toy with me.

Mol, I'm not.

All right.

Okay, sit down.

Look at me in the eye.

Do you really like this guy?

I think I do.

Oh-ho. Oh, my God.

I'm so happy.

Oh, my God.

You finally get a good one
and you actually like him.

Do you know how long I've
been waiting for this day?

Since I brought home that
bass player when I was 15?

Yes. Yes.

Okay, now don't... don't
scare him off. You know, don't

- rush into anything.
- Don't worry.

My roll is slow.

I mean, but,

you know, Mike and I, we knew right away.

Six months: engaged. One year: married.

Can you imagine

if this time next year you're married? Oh!

Not really.

Think about all the fun we can have.

You know, like two old
married couples sitting around

playing four-hand rummy and, oh,

camping trips, oh, vacations.

Oh! We can go to wine tastings.

And James and I can, you know,
talk about the wine and...

and you and Mike can just guzzle
it down like French peasants.

You need to slow your roll.

Bet that's James. Okay,

you continue getting
pretty, I'm gonna just...

go keep him company.

Not to jump ahead, but if
you get pregnant before me,

just know that Mike and
I have got dibs on Chloe

if it's a girl.

Oh, this is exciting.

James, this basket, it...

it's so considerate.

It's just a little thank-you
for dinner the other night.

Nice. Class move.

Well, it's just about the nicest thing

anybody's ever done for me.

It's a fruit basket.

I've been bringing fruit
into this house for two years.

Big bag of apples every
Sunday, nobody says boo.

Two dollars' worth of Granny Smiths.

There's fruits in here I
don't even know how to open.

Hey, James,

you mind if I ask you a legal question?

Oh, here we go.

Sure.

See this scar?

Now, I didn't fall till I got home,

but I was carrying groceries

from a big chain store.

- You think I got a case?
- Uh,

we, I don't have all the facts,

but if anyone's liable, it's the homeowner.

Is that right?

We'll talk later.

If he's bothering you, I
can chain him up outside.

Oh, and I brought a
little something for you.

Wha... you didn't have to do that.

I'm glad you did.

Can you believe this guy? Fruit, books.

First time you ate dinner here,
all I got was a clogged toilet.

It's been four years.

Let it go.

If I'm not mistaken, you quoted Dickens

at dinner the other night.

You caught that?

I can't tell you how nice it
is to have somebody in the house

that doesn't think Christmas Carol

was written by Mr. Magoo.

I didn't say he wrote it, I
said he made the role his own.

Like Swayze in Road House... he was Dalton.

I love that movie.

"Pain don't hurt."

Quotes Road House, too.

Do you even have a flaw?

Not in his pants. That
thing looked like a baby arm

holding one of Mike's crappy apples.

Vince!

I'm just gonna go...

see what's taking Victoria so long.

Mom. Mom.

If he can't stop talking,
shove a pineapple in his mouth.

Victoria...

James is waiting...

Son of a bitch!

Victoria... !

So, we're looking at a slight delay.

Is everything all right?

Oh, everything is fine.

Victoria just needed a little fresh air.

Oh, God, she bolted again, didn't she?

Let's not jump to conclusions.

All we know is that the window is open

and she's missing.

Let's stay positive.

She could have been abducted.

Was it something I did?

No. No, you were perfect.

And she screwed us again!

Excuse me.

Sorry. Excuse me!

Sorry.

Ew. Ugh. Hey, have you seen a...

Okay... have you seen a, a curvy brunette

with a lot of hair, probably
not a lot of clothes?

Are you dancing or pointing?

Are you dancing or... ? Oh.

Okay, got... Thank you. Hey.

Victoria.

Oh. That's...

All right... Oh.

That's a lot. Um...

Sorry, that's my mistake. But
have... have you seen someone

who looks a lot like you?

Yeah. Oh. Thank you.

Hey, Victoria, I...

Oh. Oh, wow.

Good for you. Okay.

You're both... you're both doing great.

It's, it's close, but just...

well, no cigar, so...

thank you.

I'm sorry. Coming through! Sorry!

Sorry about your loss.

Can't believe she left me.

Look, don't take this the wrong way,

but just looking at you, I could tell

Victoria was too much woman for you.

She's a Harley. Brother, you need a Vespa.

Listen, pal,

just know you did nothing wrong.

You know, you and her
are just too different.

I know you're trying
to make him feel better,

but different does work sometimes.

I mean, you should know
better than anybody.

What are you talking about?

He means you and Molly.

- What about us?
- Come on.

Your wife's well-read,
well-educated, well-mannered,

and you're just "oh, well."

This can't be a surprise to you.

Molly and I are very compatible.

Hey, if you're gonna try and
justify your relationship,

just say "opposites attract,"
because that's your best argument.

If we're so different,
then why'd she marry me?

Who knows? Maybe you followed her
home, she thought you were cute.

Same reason people
adopt three-legged dogs.

20 bucks if you jam that little
sword through Carl's tongue.

Hey, I'm fine with it, as
long as the bar's liable.

James, wha... what... what do you think?

Where the hell did he go?

Of course the rich guy
leaves us with the bill.

That son of a bitch. None of
us even wanted the calamari.

Whew! Sorry I've been a little AWOL.

Had a fella tying me down.

You know how that is.

Victoria.

I've been to every gay bar in town.

Do you know how many
drag queens look like you?

Or do I look like them?

- Do you want a shot?
- No, I want to know

what the hell you're doing.

I just need a quiet place to think.

Okay, I know why you're running, you know?

You think you don't deserve
to be happy, but you do.

No, that's not it at all.

Yes, it is.

Okay? You just... you don't
see yourself how we see you,

that you're sweet and... and special,

and I just want you to have a
guy tha... that appreciates that.

Not you.

- I want that, too.
- Well, then why do you keep running from it?

Because you scared the hell out of me!

- How? I've done nothing but support you.
- Yeah,

but you're getting all excited
and putting crazy pressures on me.

You know, you already have
me and James married off,

and playing old-people card games,

- and taking awful vacations with you and Mike.
- Well...

I'm sorry that I was looking
forward to growing old with you.

That's very sweet.

But you got to keep
that crap to yourself...

it freaks me out.

All right, I guess...

I can be a tad bit... pushy.

All right, I'm very pushy.

Thank you.

It's just...

I've looked after you my whole life.

It's hard to...

hard to turn that off.

I don't want you to turn it off.

I just want you to tone it down.

That's fair.

I didn't make all the
good guys go away, did I?

No.

Some of it was me.

But the pharmacist, he's on you.

No!

Yikes.

All right, "It was the best of times... "

Well, this should be a fun read.

"... it was the worst of times... "

This Dickens guy's all over the place.

- Hey.
- Hey. Did you find Victoria?

Yep. And six other dudes
that looked just like her.

What are you still doing up?

Oh, nothing. Just reading.

I read.

No, you don't.

I know.

How do you put up with me?

I don't like any of the stuff you like.

I hate reading, I hate the opera,

and if there was a hell, mine
would be a botanical garden.

What? We had a great day.

I mean, you kept wanting
to go see the azaleas.

Because they were near the exit.

Mol, we're... we're so different.

I mean, you're smart...

you're well-read...

you're beautiful.

I'm Shrek with a buzz cut. Mike!

Why'd you marry me?

Pl... please, just tell me.

I married you because
when I see a good thing,

I don't run from it.

And you made me feel safe...

and happy.

Really happy.

Happier than I ever
thought I could even be.

Thanks.

I needed that today.

You're welcome.

A... are you good, or do you need
me to say some sweet stuff, too?

No, you already did.

- Really?
- Yeah.

How about that?

What did I say? So I
could say it next time.

Is "lecat" a word?

No.

How about "celato"?

No!

Are you sure? 'Cause it kind of

sounds like a vegetable.

Use it in a sentence.

"Celato" sounds like a vegetable.

Hey, what are you guys playing?

Scrabble. I'm trying to bond with Molly

on a more intellectual level.

Can we please just play Connect Four?

You're just scared
'cause I got good letters.

How about "celato"?

It's a vegetable, right?

I thought it was a cold cut.

Hey, you going out with James tonight?

Yeah, about that.

I don't know how to say this, but...

we sort of broke up.

Aw, Victoria.

It wasn't me this time.

- He broke up with you? Why would he do that?
- Well...

we were getting serious, and...

then he got scared.

Of the commitment?

No. Of all of you.

He said he wouldn't just be marrying me,

he would be marrying my entire family.

Well, that son of a bitch!

Well,

guess what, there are plenty of other

perfect fish in the sea, and
you're gonna get out there

and you're gonna find one,
and he's gonna love you and...

I'm gonna stop talking.

Thank you.

What about "cat"?

Good eye, my man.

C-A-T.

Triple word score.

15 points. Now it's a game!