Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 4, Episode 13 - Open Mike Night - full transcript

(LAUGHS) All right, to Samuel,
America's newest citizen.

Yes. Give us your tired,
your poor, your... Your Samuels.
Ripped By mstoll

Hey. If I were rich and well-rested,
I never would have left Africa.

(LAUGHS)

Now you're an official, card-carrying
American, what's next for you?

Well, like every other good citizen,

I'm looking forward
to avoiding jury duty.

Don't forget
about lying on your taxes,

complaining about the president
and hating soccer.

Or "football," as the Europeans call it.
Ridiculous.

HARRY: (YELLING)
Thanks, Mother! Don't wait up!



Your mummy drops you off?

She's afraid
if I take the bus, I'll be kidnapped.

Harry, don't you think it's time
you cut your mother's apron strings?

I mean, move out
and get your own place?

Whose house do you live in?

Mama's boy.

Anybody wanna head to the back room
for open-mic night?

Now that I am a citizen,

I can finally heckle the comics
without fear of deportation.

Instead of heckling, why don't you
get up there and tell us some jokes?

Oh, I'd love to, but it's too scary.

No, you'd be great.

Mike tells me all the funny things
you say about him at the diner.

I told you those things
'cause they're mean.



Well, but it doesn't make them
any less funny.

I think, if you wanna try it,
then you should do it.

- You think?
- Yeah.

You'd be amazing at it.

I mean, if there's anything
I've learned in the last few months,

it's that if something scares you,
you should run right towards it.

Unless it's armed or...
Or contagious.

(CHUCKLES)

Maybe I will.

I think you both should take a risk
and go for it.

I mean, with you and your mother,
maybe you should go away from it.

(QUIETLY) And don't let her drive.

She'd still find me.

I think she had them put a chip in me
during my lap-band surgery.

It doesn't always take.

How about I get us another round?

I'll give you a hand.

Hey, you should be careful with
all this "better yourself" nonsense.

If people expect nothing out of life,
they'll never be disappointed.

Wait, I've seen that written somewhere.

Oh, your mother.

It may be stitched in needlepoint,

but there's a lot of wisdom
on that tiny pillow.

♪ (THEME SONG PLAYS) ♪

SAMUEL: Oh, here's one.

"In this country,
you decide which doctor to go to.

In my country,
we just have the one witch doctor!"

You understand, of course,
the two "whiches" are spelled differently.

What the hell is he doing over there?

I think he's working
on his stand-up act.

He needs to work on his work.

Hey, Out of Africa,
you wanna take our order?

Look at those two. Taking a bite
out of crime one tuna melt at a time.

(LAUGHING)

You might not see him crack a case,

but if he drops his hat,
you'll definitely see crack.

(LAUGHING)

Thank you!
I'll be here all week!

Hey, are you coming
to the open-mic night on Saturday?

And if you are, could you wear
your uniform and possibly your hat?

And possibly bend over?

Don't feel like you need to do this

just cause Molly was spouting off
about taking risks.

Oh, no.
She was just the push I needed.

I can't be a waiter the rest of my life.

You're barely a waiter now!

Can you please take our order?

Ah, you mock me, but you'll see.

I'm going to become a successful
stand-up, get my own TV show,

do lots of drugs, and enter rehab

where I meet a porn star
who'll only want me for my money!

Mm-hmm.

God willing.

Son of a bitch
still didn't take our order!

I'll run this to the kitchen myself.
What are you having?

You don't have to spend
a ton of money on expensive products

to keep your hair healthy.

Everyday household items will do
the job for a fraction of the cost.

Actually, I steal
most of my hair care products.

Then steal from your own pantry.

Grab some coconut oil.

Toss it on your head like a hair salad...
Mmm, beautiful.

See? I told you, Vince. You're never
too old to follow your dreams.

VINCE: You were right.

I wouldn't have done it without you
giving me a kick in the ass

and a set of professional combs.

I just light the path.
You have to walk it.

Why did you ever give up being
a hairdresser in the first place?

Because I was a straight man
and it was a different time.

I didn't have the balls to say,
"I'm here. I cut hair. Get used to it."

Well, better late than never.

I mean,
"What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?"

It's a... It's a poem.
Langston Hughes.

So, coconut oil, huh?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Mayo or creamy ranch dressing,
if you're in a real pinch.

- I did it.
- You did what?

I took your advice
and moved out of my mother's house.

Where do we sleep?

"We?"

Me and Chairman Meow.

My cat. My friend.
My everything.

Can you explain to me why Harry's
in pajamas on our couch,

trying to get a cat to swallow a pill?

Oh, Chairman Meow has allergies.

- Who?
- Chairman Meow.

- What?
- Chairman Meow.

What are you saying?

The name of Harry's cat!
Chairman Meow!

Oh, and Harry's working tomorrow,

so somebody's
gonna have to give him a shot.

- Who?
- Chairman Meow.

Oh, and he says that if he sprays,
it's not coming from the rectum,

but the... area around the rectum.

What the hell is happening here?
I was only gone for eight hours!

All right, all right. Just sit down.
Everything's fine.

Harry has moved out of his house
with his mother,

and he's living with us, temporarily,

just until he figures out
what his plan is.

Why is that our problem?

Well, Mike, I encouraged him.
I can't just give up on him.

Why not?
God gave up on him.

Well, not me.

There's a lot of responsibility
that comes with being a role model.

(GASPS) You know what?
I should give a TED talk.

Who's Ted?

And is he gonna be sleeping
on our couch next?

Or is he gonna be losing his waiterjob
'cause he's busy writing jokes?

Is Samuel writing jokes?
Oh, that makes me so happy to hear that!

Molly, don't you see
what you're doing?

You're messing
with the natural order of things.

What are you talking about?

These people were perfectly happy
in their boring, humdrum lives.

Who are you to determine
what's best for them?

Who are you?
I know these people.

They're my friends.
I'm just trying to protect them.

- From what?
- From you!

The worst thing you can do
is fill people with hope!

Stop quoting your mother's pillows!

Chairman Meow?

Chairman Meow?

Chairman Meow?

What's going on?

Hi! Nothing.
Just looking for that little tabby.

I got half a suppository in him
before he took off,

that... rascal.

I would've done the same thing,
if I was in his position.

Wanna meddle in other people's lives,
this is what you get.

I'm fine.
I just have to give him a shot.

Put him in his little crate.
Whisk him off to dialysis.

Don't let me interrupt your morning.

Come here
and give me a quick kiss good-bye.

No, I don't think I should.

Oh, come on, cat lady.
Don't punish me for last night. I'm sorry.

Well, if you insist.

- What's that I'm tasting?
- I don't know.

But I do know that it didn't come out
of the Chairman's rectum.

Ew!

Molly's turning everybody's life
upside down.

I mean, you saw it with Samuel.

He was a bad waiter with no future
and he was happy.

We were all happy.

Well, I agree.

Without her encouragement,

I doubt Samuel will ever have
the guts to do the stand-up thing.

- See? You get it.
- Yes. Yes, I do.

I mean, not everybody has the talent

to get up there and wow
an open-mic crowd like I do.

Right. Wait. What?

Listen, that stage
isn't only for bad comics.

Okay, it's also for talented,
up-and-coming singers like myself.

Oh, no.
She got to you, too.

Yes, she did.
Her inspiration was an inspiration.

Plus, it just makes sense.

See, my police work,
that's my act one.

See, I gotta prepare for my act two.

In the history of history,
a cop has never quit his job

to become a professional singer.

Number one, Eddie Money.
Boom.

Number two,
the cop from the Village People

and number three, Carl McMillan.

It's never gonna happen.

Well, certainly not
with that kind of support!

I mean, how come
I don't get the Mike that Molly gets?

'Cause I got nothing left to give!

You selfish bastard.

Who supported you
at the police chili cook-off? Hm?

Mm-hmm.

Yours was salty as hell,
but I kept going back, bowl after bowl.

My feet swelled so much,
I went up a shoe size for a full week.

You never told me that.

'Cause I didn't want you to feel bad.
That's what friends are for.

♪ (SINGING "THAT'S WHAT
FRIENDS ARE FOR") ♪

Knock it off!

You gotta control that wife of yours.

- What'd she do now?
- (GROANS)

She's filling people's heads
with these ridiculous pipe dreams.

Vince used to wake me up in
the middle of the night to have sex.

Now it's just to see
if the pin curls have set.

I thought you liked him
doing your hair.

Really?

I look like I'm in the damn
touring company of Annie!

It doesn't...

I mean, it's not...

Let me help you with that hat.

You ever mistake your wallet
for a waffle,

then accidentally eat your week's pay?

Yeah. That is confusing.

(COMIC CONTINUES)

Man, this crowd is dead.

They're gonna tear you to pieces.

Relax! You'll be fine!

But you should probably change
into what you're gonna wear on stage.

This is what I'm wearing.

Oh... you look good.

If one needed to vomit,
where do you think one would go?

I like doing it out by the dumpsters.

The fresh air is nice
and sometimes you meet people.

Behold, my latest masterpiece.

Say something supportive.

I love your sweater.

Can you believe it's been 30 years
since I did a do like this?

Yes. Yes, I can.

See? Starts out with coconut oil
and head massages.

Next thing you know, you can't find
a hat big enough to hide your shame.

Well, I just think it's too bad

that after all the hard work
Vince has put into this,

it's just gonna go back to normal
once I take a shower.

Are you kidding?
I used four cans of hairspray.

That coif will stop a bullet.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Good evening, everybody.

Now, before I start,

I wanted to bring some sexy
up on the stage to help me out.

Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Miss Victoria Flynn!

(APPLAUSE)

Yeah!

You know,
every Captain needs his Tennille.

Every Peach needs his Herb.

Every Ashford needs his Simpson.
Every...

Yeah, we got it!
Just sing.

♪ (SINGING "CRUISING TOGETHER") ♪

- I could never do that.
- What are you talking about?

I don't know.
I'm just not one to take chances.

Are you kidding?
You're a Chicago cop.

You take chances every day.

And what about us?

Moving in together, getting married.

I mean, you gave me a credit card.
That takes guts.

- That's not the same thing.
- It's exactly the same thing.

Good news.

I thought I had to throw up,
but turns out I just needed a good cry.

I can't go up there.

Mike?

Listen, Samuel, you don't have
to go up on that stage.

But I can't believe someone who was
brave enough to come to this country

with nothing but a shirt on his back
and a smart-ass attitude

is afraid
of a room full of drunk morons

that just wanna hear a fart joke.

I have one of those.

Then get up there and let it rip.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

So, I've recently become a US citizen.

Thank you.

I've got to say, one of the first
things I've noticed is,

what's the deal
with all of these foreigners?

Well, actually, back in
my home country, it was very rough.

Being eaten by lions, hyenas.

In fact, my cousin was killed by a seal.

A Navy SEAL.
He was a Somali pirate.

I'm actually from Senegal,
but for that joke to work,

I had to be Somali, so... there you go.

I have a very good friend
in the audience tonight.

I want to thank him for his support.

Officer Michael Biggs!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I feel bad for Mike, though.

Since Illinois abolished the death penalty,
he no longer gets extra pay.

They used to use his squad car
as the gas chamber.

- I think that was...
- Yeah, the fart joke. Thank you.

I mean, you ever mix up a piece
of cornbread with a piece of cake

and you get frosting
all over your greens?

Yeah.
Yeah, that is... That is unpleasant.

We've been sitting here an hour
and no one's mentioned Molly's hair.

It's beautiful. I love it.

- I can do yours like that.
- No, thank you.

You can wrestle it to the ground,
but not everything likes to be shaved.

All right.

A late addition to end the night.

Please welcome to the mic...
Oh, Mike.

Hi, I'd like to dedicate this song
to my wife,

who's sitting
right over there in 1976.
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♪ (SINGING "LEAN ON ME") ♪

(English US - SDH)