Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 2, Episode 22 - The Rehearsal - full transcript

Thanks for taking
us out tonight, you guys.

It's a nice little break
from all the wedding chaos.

Trust me girl, with all your relatives
in town, it's only gonna get worse.

Tell me about it. I'm guessing
I'll be spending most of the reception

trying to keep my mom's foot
out of my dad's ass.

Which reminds me,

we have to call the caterer
and have them switch

from steak knives
to butter knives.

Why not play it safe
and go all plastic?

Nah, my mom can make a shiv
out of anything.

We should just serve soup
and "tear your own bread."



And cold soup, something
that won't blister a face.

Just so you know,
whatever you guys need,

Christina and I are there
for you, right, baby?

Of course.

The biggest mistake
my ex-husband and I made

was letting ourselves
get caught up

in everybody else's crazy.

Well, this is my wedding,

and that means nobody else
gets to be crazier than me.

El Loco Grande.

Si, señorita.

Muy, muy loco.

By the way,
did you decide

where you're sleeping
tomorrow night?



She's testing me.

Right by your side, baby.

No, you're not.

It's the night
before the wedding.

You have to stay
somewhere else.

Why?

Because it's tradition.

One night apart
before we're joined together

you know, for the rest
of our lives.

Plus, at the crack
of dawn,

that house
is gonna be filled

with nervous women
drinking mimosas,

primping, plucking,
and snapping

at each other.

Carl, I'm staying
at your house tomorrow night.

Well, that's fine with me,

spiteful women
with a snoot full.

Why don't you stay
with your mom?

Maybe the same reason

I don't chew on tin foil
or try to kiss bears.

Come on,
it'd mean a lot to her

to have
her little boy there

on his last night
of being an unmarried man.

Boy, you really want me

to run screaming
down that aisle, don't you?

A sense of urgency
would be nice.

Anything for you,
my bride.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Isn't that beautiful?

Yes, it is.

I love you, Christina.

Aww.

That's sweet.

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love. ♪

Sweetie, if there's
anything else

you need me to do,
just ask.

Okay, talk to you later.

You, too.

I can't.

Yes, he is.

All right.

(mumbling):
Love you, too.

No, I don't think he heard.

Molly says "hi."

Uh-huh.

I can't believe

Christina left me hanging
like that.

(innocently):
What are you talking about?

You know exactly
what I'm talking about.

I told that woman I loved her,

laid my heart out
in front of her

and she chopped it up
like we were at Benihana's.

Well, maybe she didn't hear you.

Please! The whole
restaurant heard me.

The busboy gave me a hug
on the way out.

You put her on the spot,

and even if she did
feel that way,

she was probably
too embarrassed to say it.

I wasn't too embarrassed
to say it,

until she didn't say it back,

then I wanted to roll up
the tablecloth

and hang myself
from a chandelier.

You certainly covered it well
by telling the waiter

all of his dessert selections
were "stupid."

Hey, she didn't have to come out
and say the actual words.

I'd have been fine
with a "me, too" or a "ditto"

or a "Aye-aye,
Captain Dreamboat."

Well, if it's any consolation

I love you.

See how it feels?

(groaning)

So this is what you meant
by your good black suit?

It's 100% Angus.

This baby retailed
for two grand.

I got it for 300 smackers
and a crate of Canadian Tylenol.

You think it's a good idea

for a man who sweats
the way you do

to be wrapped
in a sausage casing?

I'll be fine.

I took a leather punch
and ventilated the crotch.

Is that the suit you're planning
on walking me down the aisle in?

What do you think?

I think you need
to give it back to the cow

and apologize.

Well, they didn't actually
live long enough

to be considered cows.

Technically, it's a veal suit.

(groaning)

Mom, I did this
as a favor for you,

but I'm not walking
down the aisle

with a guy dressed
like a gay hit man.

Vince, you're gonna have
to find something else.

When am I gonna get a chance
to wear this?

We'll bury you in it.

We can do it now
if you want.

Why you driving yourself
so crazy?

The only thing people remember
about a wedding

is the dried chicken

and which bridesmaid got drunk
and flashed her cans.

That reminds me,
make sure Victoria wears a bra.

I'll do my best,

but it's like keeping a hat
on a dog.

You better get
used to this.

You know, we're gonna go
through the same thing

when we get hitched.

What are you talking about?

You said you didn't want
a big wedding.

Well, my first one was
with a justice of the peace

and now I'm thinking I'd like
a nice church ceremony.

Hey, let those kids blow
their money on wedding crap.

For geezers like us,

I'd rather save it
for something practical,

like new hips or an RV.

He is gonna need
a hip replacement soon.

Oh, so much of him
needs to be replaced.

This is gorgeous, Andre.

I look like
a portly James Bond.

Double-X seven.

Yeah, normally
I look pretty hideous

in formal wear,

but purr, kitty, purr.

Well, here
at Andre's Big and Tall,

everybody walks out
with a smile,

and not just because of
the free Tootsie Roll

we hide in every pocket.

Cool!

Excellent!

Hey, I'm telling you,

I didn't even bring it up
with Christina in the car.

And when she tried to engage,

I just gave her short,
one-word answers.

I see, so you were pouting
like little baby bitch.

No, I was maintaining
my dignity like a man.

Who was pouting
like a little baby bitch.

See, I open up to you
and all you do is make jokes.

I love you, Carl.

Shut up!

Well, looks like we're gonna
have to find

something for you fellas
in our boys' department.

You're probably
a husky medium

and I'm guessing
you're a tall small.

Kind of a bummer

not being able to find
clothes that fit, huh?

Who's the freak now?

Take it easy, Harry.

They are visitors
to our plus-sized planet.

Sorry.

I got a little
full of myself,

but seriously,

I'm sweet syrup
in an Aunt Jemima bottle.

Carl, you need to let
this whole Christina thing go,

at least until after
we get through the wedding.

Hey, I'm not gonna
bring it up at all.

In fact, I'm gonna
ice her completely out

and flirt
with Molly's sister.

No, you're not.

I got enough to worry about
trying to keep my mom and dad

from turning the rehearsal
into a bloodbath.

Besides,
I plan on being

all over Molly's
pothead sister

like a warlord
on a U.N. food drop.

Listen, buster,

her name's Victoria

and you can consider her
off-limits.

I'll trade you
my complimentary Tootsie Roll.

You can't buy me
with a Tootsie Roll.

Ten Tootsie Rolls.

(cautiously):
Show 'em to me.

Guys!

Nobody's got dibs on anyone,

nobody's icing anyone out.

You're gonna be
on your best behavior

because this is my wedding

and it's gonna be beautiful,
magical, and filled with love.

Maybe not so much
for you.

That's it.

Somebody hold my big coat.

Get him! Kill him!
Oh, you want it?

Kill him!

(church organ playing softly)

Son, I know
you're nervous,

but I've performed
hundreds of these weddings

and trust me when I tell you,

everything will be fine
tomorrow.

I'm not worried
about tomorrow,

I'm worried
about tonight.

This place is
a powder keg,

and each one
of these nuts

has a pocket
full of matches.

(chuckling)

GRANDMA:
Now Marcus,

you know I'm singing
two songs, right?

One as people
are filing in

and one
after the "I do's."

Uh, Sister Rosetta,

I'm aware
of the order of events,

(quietly): and I would prefer
that you address me

as Brother Heywood
when I'm at work.

Well, forgive me,
Brother Heywood.

Oh, and would you
tell Marcus he left

his suspenders hanging
on my doorknob this morning.

(chuckling)

What can I say?

I got God in my heart
and the devil in my pants.

(chuckling)

All right...

could the usher
please bring down

the mother of the groom?

Mrs. Biggs,
it's showtime.

One, step together;
two, step together...

Slow down, Chumley.

I'm dropping three bills
on a dress

and 75 on a girdle.

Let the people soak it in.

(Heywood chuckling)

And you'll sit
the mother of the groom

next to the father.

When Jesus climbs
off his cross

and does the Macarena.

Everything doesn't have to be
about you, Margaret.

Now grab some wood
and pipe down.

Your days of bossing me
around are over,

you slack-jawed bastard.

Mom, house of God.

If you'd shut your pie hole
and get on with this

I could be sitting
at Wrigley Field sipping a beer.

Why don't you sit
on an el track

with a bellyful
of sleeping pills!

Just put him on my side!

Dad, just move over
to Molly's side.

Fine!

Eyeball me again,
I'll rip off Fatty's arm

and beat you to death
with it!

Mom, sit!

HEYWOOD: And, uh, now
the mother of the bride.

Isn't this beautiful?

I don't think
Vince and I are too old

for a traditional wedding.

Do you?
Oh, God, no.

You're still
a very vibrant woman.

When I look at you,

I can only imagine
how radiant Victoria will be

when she's 70.

Seventy?

Oww!

I can walk myself
from here.

Oh, God,

her tiny elbows are like knives!

And now the bridesmaid
and groomsman,

followed by the best man
and the maid of honor.

Do you know what's going on
with Carl?

He hasn't said two words
to me since we got here.

Hard to say.

Carl is very childish
in many ways.

Yeah, well, I wish he'd
talk to me instead of...

Pouting like
a little baby bitch?

Exactly.

What's he saying?

Can you hear
what he's saying?

I think he just
called her a bitch.

Good.

Now the organist
will begin playing,

"Here Comes the Bride"

and she does.

(sighing):
All right, big smile,

pretend I'm not smelling
salami and Aqua Velva.

You need to tell your mom
to back off.

I don't know why she's been
getting so wedding-crazy lately.

Now, during
the actual ceremony,

we're going
elevator rules:

eyes forward,
mouth shut.

I'm not saying
I don't wanna get married.

I just got
a few loose ends

I need to tie up first.

Why are you telling me
all this?

Why don't you
just tell her?

How can I tell my fiancée
I'm still married?

What?

He said he's still married.

You son of a bitch!

Sweetie, come on,
you know I love you.

Joyce,
let me explain, please.

Mom?
Mommy?

Mom? Mom!

We're all still going
to The Olive Garden, aren't we?

Come on, Red.
Can't we talk about this?

Go talk to your wife!

I told you, I haven't seen
that broad for 15 years.

You better find her again,

'cause you're gonna need
a place to live!

The night before my wedding's
turning out fun, huh?

You been sitting on this info
all this time?

I could never seem to find
the perfect moment

to introduce the topic.

MOLLY:
Well, you sure nailed it.

You know what,
I have to hit you in the face.

I'm gonna hit him in the face.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
honey, honey, honey!

Now, go upstairs
and take care of your mom

and I'll handle this.

You're gonna kill him,
right?

Please tell me
you're gonna kill him.

If I say yes,
it's premeditated.

Smart. I love you.

Make it hurt.

What the hell
were you thinking?

What?

It was a drunken fling
that ended after three weeks

and I've been spending
the last 15 years

trying to get her
to sign the divorce papers.

So why didn't you tell Joyce
about this before?

I thought
I could take care of it

before it became an issue,
but thanks to you,

now everybody's got
wedding fever.

That's true.

I'll bet that's why I said,
"I love you" way too soon.

Look, in two days,

you can both blame me
for your messed-sup lives,

but right now,
we need to fix this.

I'm gonna go talk to Joyce.

I'll smooth this over.

The wedding will go off
without a hitch.

JOYCE: Get him and his crap
out of here!

Perhaps the wounds are still
too fresh.

(knocking)

Mom finally fell asleep

and she didn't even finish
her second bottle of wine.

Had to slip it out of her grip

and replace it
with a soup can.

Give it.
(door closes)

Kinda figured you'd be
in a drinking mood.

I thought
the night before my wedding

I'd get to be
the crazy one.

I didn't even make
the top ten today.

Well, if it makes you
feel any better,

the church looks beautiful.

Christina and I hung

all the ribbons

and arranged all the flowers.

Thanks for doing that.

You're a good maid of honor.

Which reminds me,

got a little something
for you.

What?

I was gonna give it
to you tomorrow,

but I thought you might need
a little cheering up.

Oh, the garter.

I had it made for you

from one of Dad's old silk ties.

Really?

Yeah.

Old, new, borrowed, and blue

in one convenient package.

That's so sweet.

So, in just a little way,

Dad will kinda be walking
with you down the aisle.

(sniffling)

I'm so happy you're my sister.

Me, too.

Will you please wear
a bra tomorrow?

(both sobbing)

VINCE: Listen, it was a long
time ago, and I got swept up

in the whole
May-December romance.

Who knew she was
gonna turn into

such a vindictive
ball-breaker?

Well, what happened
the last time you tried

to get her
to sign the papers?

She kicked me
in the nuts.

What part of ball-breaker
don't you understand?

Have you ever thought
that maybe she was hurt

because you didn't return
her love?

Carl, one problem
at a time, okay?

Here it is.

(bell warbling)

Just be nice,
introduce me

and I'll do the talking.

WOMAN:
Who the hell is it?

Look through the peephole,
you bug-eyed bitch!

Vince!

Brought your goons,
huh, Moranto?

How old is she?

I told you
it was May-December.

I'm the May.

Yeah, but she's not
December.

She's the following July.

Fifteen years ago,
she was a very doable 60.

Look, I told you

the only way you're gonna get
my signature on those papers

is over my dead body!

That could take months!

He's getting married tomorrow.

Vince, shut up!

Listen, uh, Mrs... Moranto,

your husband is engaged
to my future mother-in-law.

Found another
trusting sap

to fall
for your swarthy good looks

and sophisticated charms, huh?

Yeah, and I love her,
Francine.

So release me
from your witch's curse

and sign the damn papers!

Vince, heel!

He batted those beautiful
long lashes at me

and time stood still.

(muttering):
Not according to your liver spots.

You know what it's like
to love someone

and not have them
love you back?

Do I?

Here we go.

It's humiliating.

They don't return
your affections

and you wanna punish 'em,

and yet you love 'em
too much

to ever wish
any real harm on them.

Well, that's where
you and I differ.

Look, I'm sorry that things
went wrong between you two,

but maybe you should
just sign these papers

so you can get on
with the rest your life.

What's left of it.

Vince.

What do you say?

Same thing
I been saying

for the last 15 years.

I'm not signing anything

till he pays me
the ten grand he owes me.

You owe her ten grand?

I borrowed two,
and she's been

doubling the vig annually
for 15 years,

which is a nice way
to treat your husband.

You took my youth!

I never saw your youth!

The man who took your youth

was wearing
a powdered wig!

Vince!

Would you take 3,000?
Eight.

Five, and you can kick him
in the nuts again. Deal.

Get out your checkbook
and take a deep breath.

Let me change shoes.

Okay.

(sighing)

Oh. What are you doing here?

I hope you
don't mind.

Apparently,
there's a tradition

that the bride and groom
have to sleep apart

the night before the wedding.

(snorting):
Tradition is not shacking up

before you're married.

They used to check
the brides

to make sure
they were still virgins.

Whole town knew
if she had her hymen.

Simpler times, huh, Mom?

Well, it's been a long day

and I just wanna get
some sleep.

Quite a dust-up

at the rehearsal
tonight, huh?

Yeah, it's fine.

Vince is
going over there now

to mend fences
and ice his privates.

Hoo!

I hope you know
what you're doing,

marrying into a crazy family
like that.

I had my money on you and Dad
being the main event.

Happy to be wrong.

JACK: Margaret,
you coming back to bed?

I'll be up in a minute.

Keep your pants off.

Does this little fleabag

have to be in bed with us
the whole time?

Oh, hey, boy.

I didn't hear you
come in.

PEGGY:
You better get some shut-eye.

You got a big day
tomorrow.

And an even
bigger night.

Hey, save the dirty talk
for the bedroom.

I'm just
teasing him.

Can't I tease
my own boy?

PEGGY: Don't think you
can waltz back in here

and act like
the King of Siam.

JACK: You're still as lippy
as ever, aren't you, Margaret?

PEGGY:
You don't know the half of it.