Mike & Molly (2010–2016): Season 2, Episode 11 - Christmas Break - full transcript

Boy, you ladies really go
all out at the holidays, huh?

Yes, we do. And save your air,

'cause you still have to blow up
an eight-foot snowman.

And do that inside of the house.

I did it on the front lawn
last year

And we got a lot of calls
from the neighbors.

It's not your fault they put
his little nozzle in the front.

And now that we have a man
that can get up on the roof,

With christmas lights
and a nail gun,

We can really pimp
this bitch out.

Should I try and untangle these,



Or you just want to drop them
from the roof on new year's eve?

No, for new year's eve we do
roman candles and air horns.

Oh, god, the neighbors hate us.

Oh, look, stockings.

Oh.
Oh.

We got to hang one up
for mike, too.

Do you still have yours
from when you were a kid?

Mom didn't really save
a lot of that stuff.

And truthfully, christmas wasn't
really a big deal

Around our house.

But you still
celebrated, didn't you?

Sure. When my dad was
around, we'd have a very
traditional christmas.

He'd get a tree,
we'd exchange gifts,

My mom would call him cheap
and start a fight,



He'd take a bottle of booze
into the backyard,

I'd cry and we'd go to bed.

Oh, my god, was it
like that every year?

Oh, after he moved out
it got kind of sad.

Mom and I would have

Our christmas dinners
at denny's

And then go over to daley plaza
and watch the ice skaters fall.

Ah, how she loved
to watch them fall.

Well, we're going to get rid
of the ghosts of christmas past

And make you some new memories,
right, girls?

Right.
You betcha.

Tomorrow we're going to go
pick out a christmas tree

And pop some popcorn
and string some cranberries.

Apple cider.
With schnapps.

Hot cocoa.
With schnapps.

The house'll be smelling like
gingerbread and sugar cookies.

And schnapps.

Holiday music playing 24/seven.

That sounds really nice.
You bet it does.

So strap on your elf hat,
buddy,

'cause santa claus
is coming to town.

And that twinkly-eyed rascal

Likes to party
with the flynn girls.

And in this house, he don't care
if you've been naughty or nice.

That's good, 'cause in my house
if you smarted off

To your mom during christmas
week, your present went

From a super nintendo to a bag
of tube socks

With a note from santa saying,

"if you don't like it, go live
with your dad and his whore."

Okay.

Who else wants schnapps?
I do.

I could use one.

No, sweetie, probably better
if you didn't drink.

? for the first time
in my life ?

? I see love. ?

Molly:
Okay, okay, all right,
settle down.

Now, I know you're all excited
about christmas break,

And I'm happy to tell you
there won't be any homework.

(kids cheering)
that is my present to you.

But I do want you to do
one thing for me.

(kids groaning)
no, come on.

During the holiday season

When you're playing with
all your new toys,

I want you to pick out
one person

And do something nice for them.

I thought you said
there was no homework.

This isn't really homework.

This is just offering to do
something kind

For somebody who might
need your help.

It doesn't have to be
somebody in your family.

Like a stranger?
No... No! Not like a stranger.

We talked about that,
that's dangerous.

There are a lot of creep-os
out there.

But my point is that...
(bell ringing)

...It's better to
give than receive,

And to be thankful

For what you have...
Walk, don't run.

Happy holidays.

Whoo, parents' problem now.

Molly.

Rebecca. Hi.

I just wanted to stop by
to wish you a happy holiday,

Since you're probably not
coming to the faculty party.

No, I was going to swing by--

As long as there's still
free booze.

Oh, you don't know, do you?

Well, I don't want to be
the one to tell you

So I'm just going to leave.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Tell... Tell me what?

Nothing is official,

But rumor has it, you're not
getting the vice-principal job.

That's impossible.

There's no one more qualified
at this school.

I mean, who are they going
to give it to

If not...

Oh...

Well, that's just terrific.

Isn't it?
Indeedy it is.

Yeah, just wow.
Fantastic turn of events.

Thank you.
No, thank you.

Stopping by and taking the time
to tell me your good news!

Son of a bitch!

Here we go, ladies.

Nothing says
"happy birthday, jesus"

Like a big jug of stupid juice.

Fill, 'er up.

I'm driving on a suspended
license anyway.

Slow down, drunky mcgee.

You've been sucking the gin teat
since 0600

When you snapped on
your hairnet.

It's the holidays.
Kiss my ass.

Is that how you're signing your
christmas cards this year?

Why break tradition?

All right, ladies, raise 'em up.

Here's to three weeks of not
having to serve mexican goulash

To a bunch of whiney, snot-nosed
ingrates,

And their students.

Birdie, we're in here.

Sit down, you're
missing the party.

Poor thing's five squares short
of a bingo, ain't she?

They actually tried
sacking her a few years ago.

She kept pulling the fire alarm
thinking it was nickel slots.

Well, thank god she shrunk
so much, and she can't
reach 'em anymore.

Peggy, can I talk
to you for a second?
I'll be right back,

But don't start decorating
birdie without me.

Is the rumor true about
the vice-principal job?

It's not a rumor,
it's a fact.

I just saw the e-mail on
the janitor's iphone.

Damn it, I worked my butt off
to get that job.

She worked
her butt, too.

But it was on the
principal's joystick

And whatever else he
pointed at and told
her to straddle.

It's not fair.

I told you to take the low road.

No. I wasn't going
to use blackmail

To get a job
I clearly deserved.

It's not supposed
to work like that.

Welcome to the wonderful
world of disappointment.

The good news is,
you're the young, hot one.

Wow, this new beard is nice.

Not too itchy, very lifelike.

None too soon, because
the old one was starting
to get a little gamey.

Well, it was attached
to your mouth,

And that area gets a lot
of holiday traffic.

After a couple of hot chocolates
and a taffy apple

It starts to look
like a poodle's ass.

I'm glad I sprung
for the deluxe one.

It says on the label,
it's the facial hair preferred

By most santas, father times
and zz top tribute bands.

Meanwhile, I got to put on
that same ratty elf costume

With the green tights
and a tiny shirt.

Thank god I've got shapely legs
and confidence.

Are you angling
to be santa again?
Lord no.

I'm still trying to get over
the sting of last year.

All them kids coming up to me
talking about

"santa ain't black,
santa ain't black."

And those were the black kids.

Well, me walking around
in that elf costume

Wasn't exactly a crowd pleaser.

Yeah, like those
underprivileged kids

Haven't seen enough ugly
in their lives.

Happy holidays, gentlemen.

All right,
and keep the change.

A $2.15 tip?

It truly is a season
of miracles.

Just take it.

God bless you, kind sir.

I shall run out right now

And buy the fattest
christmas goose in all the land.

And perhaps a skateboard
for tiny tim,

Now that I can afford
to get his little legs fixed.

See, that right there is why
I never tip him.

Oh!

Well, it's officially
christmas.

Birdie's lit
and so are we.

All I'm saying is that that job
should have been mine.

But who did they give it to?

The perky little slut rebecca.

I hate perky little sluts.

You still harping about
losing that job?

Hey, I come in early,
I come on the weekend.

Why? Because I care,
that's why.

Well, there is
your first mistake.

Once those bastards know
you give a damn,

That's when they got you by
the little gray curlies.

That's right!

No, no, no. It's not
supposed to be like that.

Hard work and dedication are
supposed to be rewarded, right?

Sure. When you walk through
the forest,

All the bluebirds are singing
pretty songs,

Putting flowers in your hair
and crapping candy kisses.

Wake up, sap, life is cruel.

I learned that lesson
a long time ago with
my first husband.

Oh, here we go.

Another tragic tale about you

And that bowlegged
son of a bitch.

I like bowlegged men.

Just grab 'em by the ankles
and make a wish.

He was working double shifts

So we could save up enough money
to buy our own weenie truck.

Blah, blah, blah.

Then he drained the bank account
and moved to wisconsin

With some half-cherokee gal.

Chippewa.

The point is, your heart
was broken,

Your dreams were squashed

And now pocahontas is driving
around in your weenie truck.

What am I supposed to do?
Just stop trying?

I can't live like that.

I need to believe that if I do
my best and be a good person

I'll be the one
driving the weenie truck.

Vin, that's a beautiful tree.
Best one they had.

I own the vacant lot
where the guy sells 'em,

So he gives me first choice.

That's why we get
free pumpkins at Halloween,
stuffed bunnies on easter

And crack cocaine
pretty much year round.

Mike: There she is,
my christmas angel.

And you're just in time
to help decorate the tree.

Whoo!

Let's decorate the hell
out of that thing!

Whoo!

Let's throw some tinsel on it.

And pretend that it's
not already dead.

(zany grunting)

Look at the little dead tree.

See you in about two weeks
when you're rotting on the curb.

And to all a good night.

Anybody want schnapps?

Mike:
Molly?

Sweetie, you awake?
It's time for lunch.

Not hungry.
Come on, rise and shine.

You've been under those
covers for two days now.

Let's see that pretty
little face of yours...

Whoa.

What?
Nothing.

I just thought it
might be kind of fun

To get out of the house today.
Take a shower, brush our teeth,

Maybe buy some gifts
for our loved ones.

Just put my purse under the tree

And tell everyone to
take what they want.

Come on, you don't need
that vice-principal job.

You're still
a great teacher.

Was a great teacher.
I'm done with that.

What are you talking about?

What is the point?

I'm nothing but
a glorified baby sitter.

I'd actually make more money
if I was a baby sitter.

Hey, why don't we try to salvage
what's left of the day?

I'll go rustle us up some lunch
and you make yourself pretty.

Not that you're
not pretty already.

Prettier is what I meant.

If that's possible.

Get out!
Okay, all right.

Well, who is this pretty
little thing, jingles?

(high-pitched voice):
This is cindy.

And according to your list,
she's been a very good girl.

Is that true, young lady?

Yes.
Well, let's see
if we can find

An extra special
present for you.

I'm on it, santy claus.

Ooh...

This feels like a dolly.

But don't open it until
christmas morning.

Even though jingles here already
ruined the surprise for you.

Make sure you give her a good
home, and don't ever

Let her quit school, do
drugs or get a tramp stamp

You just make
the toys, jingles,

Don't tell 'em
how to raise 'em.

Thank you, santa.

You're welcome, little princess.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Santa needs to take five.

Yeah, I can see how
you might get tired

Sitting on that throne while
I lift children onto your lap.

Santa needs to take a little
"pause for the claus."

So when we're done here you
want to grab a bite to eat?

If we stay in costume,
we might get a free dessert.

Says the man who's not trying
to hide his christmas package

Under a short elf shirt.

What's the matter?

Molly still hasn't pulled
out of her funk yet?

Hey, when are you coming back?

Be cool, little man.

Santa has a domestic situation
up at the north pole.

I'm sure she'll pull out of it.

You just need to give
her a little space.
I hope so.

'cause I've never really
had a good christmas,

And I'm starting to think
maybe mom's right:

It is me.

I just want my toy.

If you don't mind your manners,

You're not gonna
get a toy this year.

You're not real.
Elves aren't black.

Hey, there are black elves
all over the north pole.

How many times you been?

None? That's what I thought.

Carl, let it go.
He's just a kid.

And you're not really santa.
Santa's not that fat.

You know how I got this fat?

By eating all the
little naughty kids,

So butter up and I'll
see you christmas morning.

Why does this happen every year?

I don't know.
I-I blame the parents.

(christmas music playing on
television)

How do you drink that eggnog
without booze in it?

Basically, you're just
guzzlin' pancake batter.

Who said there's no booze in it?

Charlie brown's a chump.

Whoa. Charlie brown
is a beloved character,

And this is a timeless
holiday classic.

Look at those little jerks.

They all have the same giant
heads, just different hair.

Much like the moranto family.

Men, women, babies.

All got the same melon.

You think you're gonna grow
into it, nobody ever does.

I can't believe they keep
shoving this baloney

Down our throats every year.

Oh, come on.

You're tellin' me your
heart doesn't swell

When the little gay kid
tells the bald-headed bastard

About the true
meaning of christmas?

If this were real life,
charlie brown would've

Tied linus' blanket around
his neck like a noose

And jumped off the top
of snoopy's doghouse.

Wow, you are grim.

(doorbell rings)

Yeah, well, you've
got a big melon head.

Please let it be carolers.

I'm dying to turn the hose
on some carolers.

Miss flynn?

Who's asking?

My name's matt dalton.

I was a student of yours
about ten years ago.

Okay. Well, thanks
for stopping by.

Don't be a stranger.

Wait, wait, wait,
you don't remember me?

I was kind of fidgety.

I spent most of my time
drawing in my notebook

And on my desk,
and on the walls.

Look, matt, I'm sure you think
you're narrowing it down,

But I've seen a lot of
ritalin kids in my day.

Do you remember when
you walked by me

And I'd drawn this
big dragon on my desk?

And instead of getting mad, you
gave me a sheet of drawing paper

And told me to make it
bigger, more colorful?

And I hung it on the board.

You did.

Matt dalton.

I do remember you.

That was a dragon?

All these years I
thought it was a dog.

I mean, a beautiful dog.

Very colorful.

Well, you were the only teacher

That encouraged me
to pursue my drawing.

So I wanted to come by
and thank you,

And to tell you I got accepted

Into the school
of art and design.

Really?

That's great.

It was because of you.

Well... Wow.

Do you... Do you want to
come in for a bit?

And maybe have, um...
Some eggnog?

Don't worry, he's nobody.

I gotta get going, but, um...

I wanted to give you this.

Hey...

Aw...

Hang on to it.

Hopefully, it'll be
worth something someday.

It already is.

Thanks, miss flynn.

Merry christmas.

Merry christmas, matt.

I'm sorry, but this is
totally a dog.

? ?

(talking indistinctly)

Molly:
Hey...

Look, everybody, santa's here.

You're up.
I am.

And dressed.

And clean.

So, all's well in whoville?

Yeah, I didn't want to
be vice-principal anyway.

All they really do is
push paper and punish kids.

And I'd rather teach them
and inspire them.

I thought you said there was
a significant pay bump, too.

Vince.

I don't care about the money.

It's... It's
not about that.

It's about, you know,
doing something you love,

That you're passionate about.

And being able to come home
to someone who loves you

For who you are.

And that ain't going anywhere.

Aw, you're my
big weenie truck.

I don't know what
that means, but I'll take it.