Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Bucket List - full transcript

Mike Tyson Mysteries

Season 04 Episode 03
Episode Title: "The Bucket List"

"Dear, Mike Tyson Mystery
Team, my name is Edward Kunt,

"and recently, I discovered
I have an identical twin brother

"whom I've never met.

"Could you please
help me find him?

"Best regards,
Edward Kunt."

Hmm.

Probably didn't need
to write my full name twice.

Here, little pigeon.

There you go.



Son of a bitch.

How the hell does
anyone do this?

We shouldn't
condone this behavior.

It's errand day, Marquess.
Everybody gets to choose one errand.

And Pigeon wanted to go the
park so he could buy some drugs.

Forty bucks
for half ounce.

Either the market for
crystal meth fell off a cliff,

or I just bought
a bag of rat poison.

Well, only one way
to find out.

Finally.

Hmm. That's not rat poison,

but also I'm not
getting that

hard-dicked,
crazy crystal meth tingle either.

Jesus, what the ****)
is happening to my legs?



Oh, ****
This is horrible!

My blood is thick.

My brain is freezing cold.

Everything is...

What is he doing?

Is that something
we should be concerned with?

There you go, little guy.

Now, go find
the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

- Fly!
- Pigeon!

Oh, my God.
You're here!

Oh, I was trying
to send you this.

"Dear, Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,

"my name is Edward ****"

Oh, actually it's
pronounced Kunt.

"And recently I discovered that
I have an identical twin brother

"whom I've never met before.

"Can you please
help me find him?

"Best regards,
Edward ****"

Kunt.

Well, Mr. ****,
that sounds like an amazing mystery.

And we'd love to help you find
your identical twin brother.

Unfortunately, we have
a strict policy

that we never take mysteries when
we're out in the general public.

All mysteries must be
attached to a pigeon,

which must fly
to our home

where a member of our team will
process it and submit it for approval,

which could take anywhere
from immediately to never.

Whoa.

That was transcendent.

Hey, guys.

You got a new mystery here.

Whoa, you still
live here, Deezy?

Not for long. Not for long.

I just put in an application on
an apartment over by the airport.

And I should hear something in the
next little bit. Very soon I'm sure.

"Dear, Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,

"my name is Edward ****

"and recently, I discovered that
I have an identical twin brother

"whom I've never met."

Wait. **** sounds familiar.

Have we met a **** before?

I could swear,
we met a ****.

Yung, do you remember
a ****?

Hmm, ****.

****

For God's sakes,
you idiots are the ****.

The name is obviously
pronounced Kunt.

Have you never met
anybody named Kunt?

By God, it's a common surname.

Why, when I was boy,

the family at
the end of the lane,

they spelled it with a "C",

and they pronounced it Kunt.

Oh, yes, I remember well.

Harry Cunt
and his wife Ima.

"Ima Cunt."

And he had
two lovely daughters,

Yura and Bea.

"Yura Cunt
and Bea Cunt."

To the Mystery Mobile.

Hey, Edward. We have got your
mystery and we are all here

to help you find
your identical twin brother.

Oh, uh, I sent that
so long ago.

Like, a year ago.

Hey, hey, we get this
bullshit complaint a lot.

It's like, "Why does it take so long
from the time I wrote my message

"to you for you to get it?"

All I can say is these are
birds we're dealing with, okay?

Birds, that have no idea
where I live.

It is a miracle any birds
with any mystery messages

ever end up at my house.

So take your complaint and shove
it up your ass, mother ****.

Now let's go find your twin
brother, mother ****.

- Michael?
- I'm sorry, I just don't like complainers.

Never had, never will.

But do you know what
I really cannot stand?

All this heat lately.

I have no energy and
the reason is the heat.

I just want it to be fall,
but then, it's like,

you go somewhere,
you gotta remember to bring a jacket.

I don't need that headache.

Life is hard. FML.

I'm over it.
I'm sick and tired and over it.

But don't listen to me.
I just like to complain sometimes.

Okay, so back to
finding your twin brother.

Oh, I already found him.

When I didn't hear from you guys,
I hired a private investigator.

Apparently, we were both given
to an orphanage as babies

and then adopted
by separate families.

- His name's Thomas. He lives near Reno.
- Oh.

Ugh, I feel bad.
You came all this way.

Well, do you have
any other mysteries?

Uh...

I don't think so.

Okay, well, if you ever need
anything, here's my card.

"Tony Havrasian.

"Home media installation
and repair."

Aren't you Mike Tyson?

Yeah, and that guy
gave me that card,

and it's my card.

And now, it's your card.

And you'll give it
to someone,

and then that person
will give it to someone,

and so on, and so forth.

It's called
the circle of life.

You take care, Mr. ****.

How did he beat us here?

Dad, it takes us forever
to get anywhere

because you refuse
to make left turns.

Sixty-two percent of crashes
involve left turns

as opposed to 3.1%
involving right turns.

As they say,
"Three right turns make a left."

It'll maybe take
a little longer,

but as they say,
"Sixty-two percent of the crashes

"involve left turns

"as opposed to 3.1%
involving right turns."

So, what is it, Edward?

Oh, I'm not Edward.

Oh, then you must be Thomas,

from Reno?

Uh, no.

My name is Lawrence.

I was hoping
you could help me.

You see, I've recently discovered
that I have identical twin brothers.

I want you to
help me find them.

So, Edward and Thomas
don't know about me?

- I guess not.
- But you know where they both live?

Well, we know
where Edward lives.

And Edward knows
where Thomas lives.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Deezy, how you know
about any of this?

You butt-dialed me
about three hours ago.

I've been listening
to everything.

You guys talk a lot of shit
about me behind my back.

It's just so much
to take in.

When I found out
I was adopted,

I wanted to meet
my birth parents,

but the agency said they
couldn't reveal their identities.

But they did tell me
I had an identical twin.

I wonder why they didn't tell
me there were three of us.

I'm sorry,
do you have any wine?

I mean, we could all go inside
and have a glass of wine.

Not that I need wine. It's just
4:30, and I'm... I mean, I just...

I just look
forward to it, okay?

It's a thing
I look forward to.

Let's go see Thomas.

Ooh. Does this mean that we're
all going to just outside of Reno?

Ooh, that's number five
on my bucket list.

- Incredible!
- After all these years.

Who are you calling?

Oh, why do you care?
Why are we even still here?

I'm calling
the adoption agency.

I want some answers.

Starting with who are
our birth parents.

Wait.

I know who our
birth parents are.

They raised me.
I wasn't put up for adoption.

Would you like to meet them?

They live in
Medford, Massachusetts.

No one's gonna believe me,
but number three on my bucket list

is go to Medford,
Massachusetts and just hang out.

Man, I'm crossing shit off my
bucket list like crazy today.

The name of this episode
should be, The Bucket List.

Oh, we made it.
Thank goodness.

It's just starting
to get crowded in here.

Mother? Father?

There are a couple of gentlemen
here who would like to meet you.

Who do you have
with you, Lawrence?

Oh! What?

Herman, you lied.

I couldn't kill 'em, Stella.

They were just babies.

What are they talking about?

I'll tell you.

You deserve
to know the truth.

Forty-three years ago,
your mother and I

suffered the greatest loss
any parent can have.

Our only child, Lawrence,

was eaten by an alligator
while on an outing to the zoo.

I tried to pull him out of the
jaws of that terrible beast,

but all I got back
were his little feet.

So, I raced back
to my lab,

where I was doing
high-level cloning research,

and I did what
any parent would do.

I made a clone
of my own son.

But, here's where
it gets tricky.

I somehow ended up with three.

No one wanted three.

How would we
explain it to the neighbors?

Where there was one boy
there are now three.

We didn't know
what else to do.

Herman assured me
it would be a painless death.

But when I looked
into your eyes,

you had Lawrence's eyes,
of course.

I did what
any parent would do.

I drove you
straight to the orphanage,

hopefully, never to
see you again.

Then some time ago,
I got a call.

One of you was asking
about your birth parents.

I knew that it was only
a matter of time

before you found one another,

and discover that you're
not identical triplets.

You're clones.

Clones of a sweet little boy

long dead in the belly
of an alligator.

So I sent Lawrence, this
Lawrence, the fake Lawrence

to find you two
and bring you here,

so I could do what
any parent would do.

Murder you!

Okay, now, you keep
using that expression,

"What any parent
would do" and I'm not sure...

Oh, my God!

It had to be done, Father.

Herman!

How could you kill our son?

Our son died 43 years ago.

Our mistake was simply doing
what any parent would do.

My God!

- And now, I'm afraid I have
to kill all of you. -

Wow, wow, I did it.
Number two on my bucket list.

I just punched a man
in the face.

That was the one I never
thought I'd get to do.

Under what circumstances will
I ever hit a man right in his face?

Now there's only one
thing left on my list.

Kill Pigeon.

What?

Number one on my bucket
list is to kill Pigeon.

Wha... What the ****
are you doing?

This is
amazing, Michael.

You're gonna complete
your entire bucket list today.

What are you
waiting for, Dad? Do it.

- Pull the trigger.
- What?

Please. Please, no. No.

What's the matter
with you people?

Oh, my God,
you're here.

Oh, I was trying
to send you this.

I recently discovered I have
an identical twin brother,

and I was hoping
you could help me find him.

Oh, I don't wanna do that.
That sounds boring.

If I had a bucket list,
which I don't,

because I think
bucket lists are stupid,

but if I did, helping finding your
twin brother would not be on it.

Come on, everyone.
We have to finish running our errands.

Wow.

That really was transcendent.

Corrections done by srjanapala