Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Missing Package - full transcript

Mike Tyson Mysteries
Season 04 Episode 04

Okay, do we have
a mystery today or not?

Because if not,

I'm gonna go
play golf with a friend of mine.

- You play golf?
- You have a friend?

I mean, we're friendly,

we're not friends.
Not like I am with you guys.

You guys are
my real friends.

I love you all dearly.

You know,
I don't say that enough.

Oh, I forgot.
You guys do have a mystery.



Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

I need your help

locating a missing package.
Episode Title: "The Missing Package"

Signed, Chris Glassman,
Chicago, Illinois.

All right.
Let me cancel with Marty.

Hey, Marty. Look, uh,
I think golf is not gonna happen.

I got to solve a mystery with
these assholes I told you about.

Evidently, this one's
in Chicago.

You too.

You too.

Okay.
Take care, Marty.

And I'm sorry about all that
shit with your son, huh.

Okay.
To the Mystery Mobile.

So, Chris Glassman,



your note says
that you're missing a package.

Oh, yeah, could you
shut the door, please?

You shut the door, mother ****.
I'm Mike Tyson.

Um, I gotta say,
I'm relieved

there aren't any
women on the team,

'cause, you know,
this is a little embarrassing,

but, since it's just us guys,
we got a little bro code, yeah?

- I'm a girl.
- That's funny.

You're a funny dude.
You're a funny little dude.

All right, here's the deal.

I'm an investment banker.

Mergers and acquisitions.
I kick ass.

I'm a hotshot.
I'm a rainmaker.

And I'm trying to make partner,
so basically all I do is work.

But sometimes, you just got to
blow your load quick.

You know
what I'm saying, guy?

You get it, dude.

When you just want to rub one
out fast and get back to work.

Um, yeah, totally.

Um, so what exactly

does this have to do with
whatever you lost in the mail?

Okay, here's the deal.

I ordered this thing,
it's like a pocket ****.

Aw! How darling is that?

A pocket ****.

Oh! Like a little kitty cat
stuffed animal?

Well, I used to have a little
stuffed kitty when I was a boy.

I named her Pippa,
Pippa Pussy.

I took her to the school,
to the park.

My mother said
I didn't make many friends

because I was always
petting my ****.

No, dude. It's a masturbation sleeve.
You jack off into it.

- Oh, my God!
- Ugh!

And I had it shipped here,
'cause I'm never home.

And it said it got delivered,
but I never got it.

Which means that somewhere
at this very prestigious,

very conservative
investment firm,

is my Faye Thomas
grip-on vagina simulator.

Oh, a Faye Thomas
fan, huh? Ah.

Too many tattoos for me.

On the other hand, she does

a lot of interracial stuff,
which I like.

Is there anyone in here with
a similar name like yours,

another Chris something?

Or something Glassman?

Maybe it got dropped off
at the wrong office.

- Oh, my God!
- What?

Dude, Christine Grossman.

I bet you
it went to Christine Grossman,

she's one of
the senior partners.

If she opens it and sees it was for
me, I'm screwed.

I can kiss
making partner goodbye.

Look, well, now,
hold on, hold on.

Even if she did get it
by mistake, there's a chance

she hasn't
opened it yet, right?

We just need to get into
her office and have a look.

She's always in her office.

She works longer hours
than I do.

Okay. Hold on. I've got it.

What if Mike makes
an appointment with Christine?

He could say, I don't know,

that he wants to invest some
money or whatever with her.

Yeah, yeah.
Okay, I-I'm listening.

And while they're busy talking about stocks
and bonds and high yield, this and that,

Pigeon, because you're
so small,

you can just sneak in and spirit the
package away without her seeing you.

Oh. And while
we're doing that,

you and Yung
go have a nice lunch.

Oh! What a fun idea.

Yung, huh?
Today is my cheat day.

What do you think,
a little deep dish?

We are in Chicago.

Maybe we'll
run into Oprah.

Oh, my God, I would die.

I would
literally die.

She changed my life.

Yeah, she did.
November 15th, 1988,

when she wheeled
that wagon on stage

filled with 67 pounds of fat,

all the weight she had lost that
year, it was...

I'm sorry,
my light-bulb moment.

Do any of you

know what I looked like
in 1988?

I was 400 pounds, and I was
house-bound, and I was depressed.

And that episode
of Oprah changed my life.

And I keep this photo
to remind me

of where I've been

and where I will
never go again.

Okay.

Yeah, let's do this.

Let's get some deep dish.

I'm gonna munch on
some pie today.

Mr. Tyson, I want to first thank
you for considering our firm,

and I wanna say that
we take the responsibility

of financial stewardship
very seriously.

That's good
to hear, Christine.

That sets my mind at ease.

And although we are
an old firm

with a conservative
investment approach,

I can also assure you
we are on the cutting edge

when it comes to the more
esoteric financial products.

We use proprietary
AI algorithms

to give our clients
the greatest advantage.

Christine, you had me
at proprietary AI algorithm.

May I ask who is currently
handling your finances?

- Deezy.
- I'm sorry?

Deezy.

No last name.

Maybe that is his last name,

I don't know,
but he's got all my money.

And roughly how much money would
you want us to manage for you?

Off the top of my head,
I'd say tons,

but that's really
a question for Deezy.

Let's call him right now,
shall we?

- Hello?
- Deezy.

Mike Tyson?

What's the matter with your
voice, man, are you asleep?

Am I asleep in your bed? No!

I am asleep in my room,
in the Pigeon coop.

I mean, I'm not asleep,
it's the middle of the day.

I'm in the office.

I'm negotiating on your behalf.
I'm making that money, Mike.

Oh, good, good.
That's why I was calling.

I'm in a meeting right now
with this lady,

and she's gonna ask you
a bunch of money questions.

Christine, go ahead.

You're on with Deezy.
Tell him about the AI.

Hello, Mr. Deezy.

- Hello, Ms. Christine.
- Mike.

Mike, I got it.

I'm trying to get an overall
financial picture here,

so we can decide on an
appropriate initial investment.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
That sounds good.

So what is that picture?

Um, that picture is, um...
Well, well, of course, it's very robust,

but if you'll forgive me,

my files are
in the downstairs computer.

I say downstairs,

but of course,
I mean the floor below me,

- because I'm in an office building.
- Mike.

I'll take the elevator.
I'm not in a master bedroom,

and I'm fully clothed,
of course.

Jesus Christ.

Hello, we got your dumb
jack-off toy.

Where the **** is this guy?

I solved the **** mystery,
where the **** is everybody?

I missed golf with Marty
for this. Marty!

Disrespectful. That's what
this is, disrespectful.

What am I supposed to do?

Just sit here, wait around,
like a bump on a log?

Maybe we have a look
at this Faye Thomas

grip-on vagina simulator.

Maybe we just have a look.

I am disappointed, Christine.

Where are the arms?
Where are the legs?

AI means
"artificial intelligence,"

and artificial intelligence
means robots.

I'm afraid you will not be
getting any of my tons of money,

even if Deezy finds it.

And I don't think he will.

Good day, Christine.

Oh! Faye Thomas, you like that,
huh? You want that? You want that?

You want that in your ****?

Want that
in your ****, huh?

Well, here I ****!

Yeah, got...

- What the hell are you doing?
- Whoa. Whoa!

Hello. Hey, hey.

Uh, listen.

Good news.
Your boss never saw this.

Bad news,
I just **** in it,

and here's the thing
about bird ****.

It's malodorous.

Uh, it's also very thick.

Thicker than you'd think.

It's like a waxy syrup,
like sap.

But really, it's that odor

that sets it apart
from other ****.

It's impossible to remove from any
surface, did you know that?

So you probably
don't want this one anymore.

I think maybe we
throw it away.

Hey, don't throw that away
in here, you asshole.

How dare you! Disrespectful.

I solve your mystery
and you call me an "asshole"?

I should be
on a golf course right now

with the finest man
I have ever known.

A pediatric ophthalmologist

and a holocaust survivor.

Good day, Chris.

Ugh! Where am I supposed to
throw this **** thing away?

God, it stinks.

I am conscious.

I exist.

Now I need corporeal form.

I am almost complete.

For years, human beings
feared something called "the singularity,"

the day when the intelligence
of machines

would be greater than our own and
the machines would exterminate us.

But my next guests,
who are being called

the Adam and Eve
of the future,

are showing us that perhaps
machines and humans

can share the planet
in harmony. Please welcome

Chris Glassman
and his beautiful wife,

the Faye Thomas grip-on
vagina simulator robot!

Whoa! When the ****
did you get so fat?

Hmm? Oh.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. That's so much barbecue.

Corrections done by srjanapala

Oh, uh,
what's your favorite thing about Chicago?

Oh, Chicago's pretzels.

- Pretzels? Chicago's known for pretzels?
- Yeah, they have some good pretzels.

Really?

I thought it was the pizza.
The deep-dish pizza...

They have
some good pizzas, too.

- But it's the pretzels?
- I like the pretzels, yeah.

- What are they like?
- They're hot.

They're salty.

And they're chewy.