Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Mike Tyson Mysteries - full transcript
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Previously, on
"Mike Tyson Mysteries"...
Oh... ****
Congratulations, Deezy,
you are now an official member
of the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.
I-I-I didn't
want to kill someone.
We all had to kill someone
to join the team.
We're a special,
secret government strike team.
Also known as the Mike Tyson Special
Secret Government Strike Team.
Mike Tyson Mysteries
Season 04 Episode 01
Episode Title: "Time to Fly"
I just...
I just...
I just can't have
killed someone.
I took another person's life?
I can't live with that burden!
- No!
- Oh my God!
What... what happened?
- Where am I?
- You're in the hospital.
You tried to kill yourself.
Kill himself?
He's holding a loaded gun,
and instead he jumped out of
the window of a two-story house.
It was nothing
but attention seeking.
He's got a broken foot.
Of course, they'll keep him
overnight for "observation".
And who pays for that?
John Q. Taxpayer, that's who.
This is why
I voted for Trump!
I'm a Trump man!
Always have been.
Give 'em hell, Trump.
Drain that swamp!
Build that wall!
Lock her up!
So what is this secret government
strike team you got me on?
What do we do? Do you have to
keep killing people? I can't!
You can't make me.
Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God,
I killed someone!
Blood on my hands, Lord!
- Dad.
- What?
You have to tell him.
Tell me what?
That I'm off the team?
No, I just got on this team.
I can kill.
Who do you want me to kill?
I can kill anyone.
I'll kill that
old man to prove it.
- Prove my loyalty.
- Deezy, stop.
Michael, tell him!
I will not be party to this any longer.
Okay, fine. Deezy, I have
a confession to make.
There's no Mike Tyson Secret Government...
Uh... What'd I call it?
Secret Government Strike Team.
Yeah, there's
no such thing as that.
- I made it up.
- What?
Yeah, here's the truth
of it, Deezy.
You're a real shitty agent.
And I wanted to fire you
for a long time.
But my problem is that
I'm non-confrontational.
That was my problem in boxing,
that's my problem in life.
So instead of just telling you I would
no longer like you to be my agent,
- we decided...
- Michael.
I decided
to trick you into thinking,
that you are on a secret
government team
and so instead
of being my agent,
I would send you to like, um,
Pakistan and just maybe, um...
Never hear from you again.
But what about
that guy I shot and killed?
That dude that
looked just like me?
You mean Terry,
our pool man?
Terry, come on in.
Hi, everyone. Hi, Deezy.
Wait, I shot you.
I was wearing
a bulletproof vest.
But, how do you look
exactly like me?
Is that some kind of a mask?
No. I really did have total
facial reconstructive surgery.
I've undergone over
a thousand skin grafts.
I'd do anything for the champ.
And in return he promised me
that I'd be made a
member of
the Mike Tyson Secret
Government Strike Team.
I leave for Pakistan
first thing in the morning.
- Bon voyage, Terry.
- Good day, everyone.
He never got the chlorine
level right in the pool,
but I didn't have
the heart to let him go.
That's my problem.
Okay, team, time to fly.
That's my new catchphrase
when we're going somewhere.
"Time to fly."
Deezy, why don't you see about
copyrighting that ****.
So wait, what does that mean, Mike?
Am I still your agent?
Say no, just say no.
Say, "Deezy, you're fired."
Of course,
you're still my agent.
Mother... ****
And can I still stay
at your house?
No way, Jose.
My casa es su casa, Jose.
Oh, no, what is my problem?
Hmm... Does that
taste good, Pigeon?
Oh, does this bird seed
taste good?
- Is that your question, Marquess?
- Okay.
- Does this bird seed taste good?
- Mmm-hmm.
No, it doesn't taste good,
you witless gadfly.
I want to eat what you're eating,
but I can't because it gives me diarrhea.
This is the only thing
that doesn't give me diarrhea.
My asshole is so raw,
it's just red and raw from
all the **** damn diarrhea.
Okay, that... That's
not really breakfast talk.
Oh! Should we
talk about my piss?
How it's dark, almost orange.
Because I'm so dehydrated
on account of
how much diarrhea I have,
while I'm not eating
bird seed.
This delicious bird seed.
Go **** yourself!
Why do you engage with him?
Learn your lesson, Marquess.
It's better to let someone walk away
from you than walk all over you.
When people treat you like
they don't care, believe them.
One of the most courageous
decisions you'll ever make
is to finally let go
of what is hurting your heart.
My God! Are you still talking?
Ah, to hell with it.
Give me a bite of that.
Ooh, that is good.
Oh hoh!
It's gonna burn coming out,
but you can't say it's not good going in.
Real nice hot cakes, Mike.
Thank you
for saying so, Pigeon.
At least someone
in this house has manners.
Morning, Deezy.
You sleep well?
You're covered in bird
****, so probably not.
Just feeling blessed to have
a roof over my head, Mike.
Got a mystery
here for you guys.
Thanks, Deezy. Here, Yung,
why don't you read it?
You haven't spoken
in quite some time.
Oh, hmm, all right.
"Dear Mike Tyson
Mystery Team..."
No, it's too boring
when you read it.
Marquess, you read it.
You have that flamboyant style.
Uh... Thank you?
- "Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team..."
- Hmm...
maybe it's Pigeon
that's the flamboyant one.
You read it, Pigeon.
"Dear Mike Tyson
Mystery Team..."
Damn, maybe
I'm the flamboyant one.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
no one believes me, but my husband
was abducted by aliens, please help.
Megan Von Breyer."
Yeah, I'm the flamboyant one.
All right, team, time to fly.
Hey, Deezy, what's the status
on that "Time to Fly"?
You get that shit copyrighted?
We should be making a lot
of money off that shit.
I'm one step ahead of you
and two steps back, Mike.
Ordered 10,000 ball caps with
"Time to Fly" on the front.
We have a website
up and running,
and we're already being
sued by United Airlines.
No, Southwest.
No, American Airlines.
Oh, maybe it was Air France.
It's some airline,
I gotta check my notes.
I think I left them
in the coop.
Can I help you?
Oh, hello, we're the
Mike Tyson Mystery Team.
- We got your note about the aliens.
- Huh!
That little bitch.
Abducted by aliens?
- She murdered my father.
- Oh!
- So you're not Megan Von Breyer?
- No.
I'm Emily Von Breyer.
Carlton Von Breyer's daughter.
And I was just asked to leave
by the grieving widow.
Oh, sorry about that.
I had pancakes for breakfast.
Ugh, gross.
She just married him
for his money.
Now, now, Yung,
you don't know that.
Why, perhaps he was
a world-class cunnilingust.
A magnificent **** eater.
A proper **** muncher.
- Just stop.
- Oh, there she is, outside.
- Surprise!
- Ah!
- Oh!
- Sorry, I sometimes shout, "Surprise!"
when I really mean
to whisper, "Hello."
You should have let me fall.
My life is already over.
Everyone thinks
I murdered Carlton.
Why? Because
he was 84 and I'm 23.
Because he had just changed his will so
that I would be the sole beneficiary.
- Uh, yeah.
- It was his anniversary gift to me.
He told me right here,
right before I gave him his gift.
A shove off the cliff?
You're just like
the rest of 'em.
No, I got him a great gift.
I got him a star.
What?
Online,
you can name a star after someone.
And you get
a little certificate
that tells you
exactly where the star is.
The Carlton Star.
It's up there... Somewhere.
- And so is he.
- Oh, my God.
That is a great gift.
You know what else is a great gift?
A lottery ticket.
It seems like something,
but it's really nothing. And it's cheap.
So, after you
gave him this "star",
is that when the aliens
conveniently showed up
to take him off your hands?
If I pushed Carlton
off this cliff,
how come the police
didn't find a body?
Because there is no body.
Because aliens took him.
They took him into space.
Please, you're my only hope
to clear my name.
Find Carlton.
Bring him back to me.
Okay, seems pretty clear
what we have to do.
Simply go to space,
simply find these aliens,
simply negotiate with them
over the release of Carlton
and simply return to Earth.
We may need to get
a heat shield.
I think when you return to
Earth you need a heat shield
or you burn up
in the atmosphere.
But the rest is pretty
straightforward.
Dad, it's obvious
she murdered him.
Yeah, that's what
I was thinking, too.
And now we don't need that heat shield.
Good job, Yung.
There has to be some evidence
down there that the police missed.
Ooh, Yung is on a roll.
You didn't talk much at the beginning,
but now, boy, you're talking a lot.
Go Yung!
Marquess, Pigeon,
what are you guys doing, huh?
You're only good as your
last line of the dialogue.
Well, how on Earth
would we get down there?
Ooh, Marquess,
getting it in there.
Come on, Pigeon,
what do you got to say?
Whoa!
Pigeon with the unexpected
physical move.
Now we're working like a team.
Ah! Pigeon, you asshole!
I thought you could fly.
- Aren't you an angel?
- I'm a ghost!
But, isn't your catchphrase,
"Time to fly"?
That is
Michael's catchphrase!
Oh, you know what,
I think you're right.
Oh, my!
His wheelchair! Look!
It's Carlton's wheelchair!
So she did push
him off the cliff.
And now we have our evidence.
We also have something
for me to use on long walks,
just in case
my legs get tired.
I didn't do it! I swear!
The wheelchair fell into the ocean
when the aliens beamed him up.
I'm actually glad
she's as young as she is.
It'll be more time that
she gets to rot in prison.
What are your intentions with our
star which you claim is your own?
I have no intentions.
It was just a gift from my wife Megan.
It was meant to be romantic.
She's the most loving,
kindhearted woman I've ever known.
So you have no plans on enforcing
this document and enslaving us?
Of course not. I just want
to go home to my wife.
Then we shall release you.
Oh!
- Hmm...
- We forgot to give him a heat shield.
Time to fly.
Corrected & synced by srjanapala
---
Previously, on
"Mike Tyson Mysteries"...
Oh... ****
Congratulations, Deezy,
you are now an official member
of the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.
I-I-I didn't
want to kill someone.
We all had to kill someone
to join the team.
We're a special,
secret government strike team.
Also known as the Mike Tyson Special
Secret Government Strike Team.
Mike Tyson Mysteries
Season 04 Episode 01
Episode Title: "Time to Fly"
I just...
I just...
I just can't have
killed someone.
I took another person's life?
I can't live with that burden!
- No!
- Oh my God!
What... what happened?
- Where am I?
- You're in the hospital.
You tried to kill yourself.
Kill himself?
He's holding a loaded gun,
and instead he jumped out of
the window of a two-story house.
It was nothing
but attention seeking.
He's got a broken foot.
Of course, they'll keep him
overnight for "observation".
And who pays for that?
John Q. Taxpayer, that's who.
This is why
I voted for Trump!
I'm a Trump man!
Always have been.
Give 'em hell, Trump.
Drain that swamp!
Build that wall!
Lock her up!
So what is this secret government
strike team you got me on?
What do we do? Do you have to
keep killing people? I can't!
You can't make me.
Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God,
I killed someone!
Blood on my hands, Lord!
- Dad.
- What?
You have to tell him.
Tell me what?
That I'm off the team?
No, I just got on this team.
I can kill.
Who do you want me to kill?
I can kill anyone.
I'll kill that
old man to prove it.
- Prove my loyalty.
- Deezy, stop.
Michael, tell him!
I will not be party to this any longer.
Okay, fine. Deezy, I have
a confession to make.
There's no Mike Tyson Secret Government...
Uh... What'd I call it?
Secret Government Strike Team.
Yeah, there's
no such thing as that.
- I made it up.
- What?
Yeah, here's the truth
of it, Deezy.
You're a real shitty agent.
And I wanted to fire you
for a long time.
But my problem is that
I'm non-confrontational.
That was my problem in boxing,
that's my problem in life.
So instead of just telling you I would
no longer like you to be my agent,
- we decided...
- Michael.
I decided
to trick you into thinking,
that you are on a secret
government team
and so instead
of being my agent,
I would send you to like, um,
Pakistan and just maybe, um...
Never hear from you again.
But what about
that guy I shot and killed?
That dude that
looked just like me?
You mean Terry,
our pool man?
Terry, come on in.
Hi, everyone. Hi, Deezy.
Wait, I shot you.
I was wearing
a bulletproof vest.
But, how do you look
exactly like me?
Is that some kind of a mask?
No. I really did have total
facial reconstructive surgery.
I've undergone over
a thousand skin grafts.
I'd do anything for the champ.
And in return he promised me
that I'd be made a
member of
the Mike Tyson Secret
Government Strike Team.
I leave for Pakistan
first thing in the morning.
- Bon voyage, Terry.
- Good day, everyone.
He never got the chlorine
level right in the pool,
but I didn't have
the heart to let him go.
That's my problem.
Okay, team, time to fly.
That's my new catchphrase
when we're going somewhere.
"Time to fly."
Deezy, why don't you see about
copyrighting that ****.
So wait, what does that mean, Mike?
Am I still your agent?
Say no, just say no.
Say, "Deezy, you're fired."
Of course,
you're still my agent.
Mother... ****
And can I still stay
at your house?
No way, Jose.
My casa es su casa, Jose.
Oh, no, what is my problem?
Hmm... Does that
taste good, Pigeon?
Oh, does this bird seed
taste good?
- Is that your question, Marquess?
- Okay.
- Does this bird seed taste good?
- Mmm-hmm.
No, it doesn't taste good,
you witless gadfly.
I want to eat what you're eating,
but I can't because it gives me diarrhea.
This is the only thing
that doesn't give me diarrhea.
My asshole is so raw,
it's just red and raw from
all the **** damn diarrhea.
Okay, that... That's
not really breakfast talk.
Oh! Should we
talk about my piss?
How it's dark, almost orange.
Because I'm so dehydrated
on account of
how much diarrhea I have,
while I'm not eating
bird seed.
This delicious bird seed.
Go **** yourself!
Why do you engage with him?
Learn your lesson, Marquess.
It's better to let someone walk away
from you than walk all over you.
When people treat you like
they don't care, believe them.
One of the most courageous
decisions you'll ever make
is to finally let go
of what is hurting your heart.
My God! Are you still talking?
Ah, to hell with it.
Give me a bite of that.
Ooh, that is good.
Oh hoh!
It's gonna burn coming out,
but you can't say it's not good going in.
Real nice hot cakes, Mike.
Thank you
for saying so, Pigeon.
At least someone
in this house has manners.
Morning, Deezy.
You sleep well?
You're covered in bird
****, so probably not.
Just feeling blessed to have
a roof over my head, Mike.
Got a mystery
here for you guys.
Thanks, Deezy. Here, Yung,
why don't you read it?
You haven't spoken
in quite some time.
Oh, hmm, all right.
"Dear Mike Tyson
Mystery Team..."
No, it's too boring
when you read it.
Marquess, you read it.
You have that flamboyant style.
Uh... Thank you?
- "Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team..."
- Hmm...
maybe it's Pigeon
that's the flamboyant one.
You read it, Pigeon.
"Dear Mike Tyson
Mystery Team..."
Damn, maybe
I'm the flamboyant one.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
no one believes me, but my husband
was abducted by aliens, please help.
Megan Von Breyer."
Yeah, I'm the flamboyant one.
All right, team, time to fly.
Hey, Deezy, what's the status
on that "Time to Fly"?
You get that shit copyrighted?
We should be making a lot
of money off that shit.
I'm one step ahead of you
and two steps back, Mike.
Ordered 10,000 ball caps with
"Time to Fly" on the front.
We have a website
up and running,
and we're already being
sued by United Airlines.
No, Southwest.
No, American Airlines.
Oh, maybe it was Air France.
It's some airline,
I gotta check my notes.
I think I left them
in the coop.
Can I help you?
Oh, hello, we're the
Mike Tyson Mystery Team.
- We got your note about the aliens.
- Huh!
That little bitch.
Abducted by aliens?
- She murdered my father.
- Oh!
- So you're not Megan Von Breyer?
- No.
I'm Emily Von Breyer.
Carlton Von Breyer's daughter.
And I was just asked to leave
by the grieving widow.
Oh, sorry about that.
I had pancakes for breakfast.
Ugh, gross.
She just married him
for his money.
Now, now, Yung,
you don't know that.
Why, perhaps he was
a world-class cunnilingust.
A magnificent **** eater.
A proper **** muncher.
- Just stop.
- Oh, there she is, outside.
- Surprise!
- Ah!
- Oh!
- Sorry, I sometimes shout, "Surprise!"
when I really mean
to whisper, "Hello."
You should have let me fall.
My life is already over.
Everyone thinks
I murdered Carlton.
Why? Because
he was 84 and I'm 23.
Because he had just changed his will so
that I would be the sole beneficiary.
- Uh, yeah.
- It was his anniversary gift to me.
He told me right here,
right before I gave him his gift.
A shove off the cliff?
You're just like
the rest of 'em.
No, I got him a great gift.
I got him a star.
What?
Online,
you can name a star after someone.
And you get
a little certificate
that tells you
exactly where the star is.
The Carlton Star.
It's up there... Somewhere.
- And so is he.
- Oh, my God.
That is a great gift.
You know what else is a great gift?
A lottery ticket.
It seems like something,
but it's really nothing. And it's cheap.
So, after you
gave him this "star",
is that when the aliens
conveniently showed up
to take him off your hands?
If I pushed Carlton
off this cliff,
how come the police
didn't find a body?
Because there is no body.
Because aliens took him.
They took him into space.
Please, you're my only hope
to clear my name.
Find Carlton.
Bring him back to me.
Okay, seems pretty clear
what we have to do.
Simply go to space,
simply find these aliens,
simply negotiate with them
over the release of Carlton
and simply return to Earth.
We may need to get
a heat shield.
I think when you return to
Earth you need a heat shield
or you burn up
in the atmosphere.
But the rest is pretty
straightforward.
Dad, it's obvious
she murdered him.
Yeah, that's what
I was thinking, too.
And now we don't need that heat shield.
Good job, Yung.
There has to be some evidence
down there that the police missed.
Ooh, Yung is on a roll.
You didn't talk much at the beginning,
but now, boy, you're talking a lot.
Go Yung!
Marquess, Pigeon,
what are you guys doing, huh?
You're only good as your
last line of the dialogue.
Well, how on Earth
would we get down there?
Ooh, Marquess,
getting it in there.
Come on, Pigeon,
what do you got to say?
Whoa!
Pigeon with the unexpected
physical move.
Now we're working like a team.
Ah! Pigeon, you asshole!
I thought you could fly.
- Aren't you an angel?
- I'm a ghost!
But, isn't your catchphrase,
"Time to fly"?
That is
Michael's catchphrase!
Oh, you know what,
I think you're right.
Oh, my!
His wheelchair! Look!
It's Carlton's wheelchair!
So she did push
him off the cliff.
And now we have our evidence.
We also have something
for me to use on long walks,
just in case
my legs get tired.
I didn't do it! I swear!
The wheelchair fell into the ocean
when the aliens beamed him up.
I'm actually glad
she's as young as she is.
It'll be more time that
she gets to rot in prison.
What are your intentions with our
star which you claim is your own?
I have no intentions.
It was just a gift from my wife Megan.
It was meant to be romantic.
She's the most loving,
kindhearted woman I've ever known.
So you have no plans on enforcing
this document and enslaving us?
Of course not. I just want
to go home to my wife.
Then we shall release you.
Oh!
- Hmm...
- We forgot to give him a heat shield.
Time to fly.
Corrected & synced by srjanapala