Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Mike Tyson Mysteries - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

-How did the fire start?
-God.

Pardon me?

It was a demon.
He was on top of our house.

-A demon?
-Yeah.

And then God
came down from heaven

and struck him with lightning.

-God?
-Why the (BEEP)
am I telling you this?

Didn't you watch the
last episode of season two?

That wasn't the last episode.
We went to that farm.



Yeah, the house burned down

in the second to last episode.

I don't know when they air.

I mean, I don't even know
when I live them.

Okay, have any of you
been drinking

or taking drugs of any kind?

-No!
-No.

I have. I did a little coke.

So, where are we going?
A hotel?

No. We can't go to a hotel.
My wallet was in the house.

Then where
are we going to stay?

I'll call my agent.

-Deezy?
-Yeah, my agent's
name is Deezy.

And he's gonna
let us stay with him.



(PHONE BEEPS, RINGS)

-DEEZY: Hello?
-Hey Deezy. What's up, fool?

Listen man, we're coming over
to your place, man.

We gotta live with you
till we get a new house.

DEEZY: Of course, man.

Okay, cool.
See you in around about five.

(BEEPS)

I wonder if he's got
any extra toothbrushes.

Or some extra clothing.

And all the shit
we're gonna need
for the next month or so.

(KEYPAD BEEPING)

(RINGING)

-(BEEPING)
-DEEZY: Hello?

Yo, it's us.

Oh, man, you guys must have
been right around the corner.

Hey, let me buzz you in.

I'm on the sixth floor,
right next to the elevator.

-(BEEPING)
-(BUZZING)

-(KNOCKING)
-DEEZY: Who is it?

What the (BEEP)?
It's us, fool.

You just talked to us.

(LOCKS CLICKING)

(CHUCKLING) Oh, hey Mike.
Come on in, everybody.

Welcome to the castle.

Oh shit. Close the door, Mike.

Furly will get out.
He's fast.

Were you getting ready
for bed?

What? Come on, man,
it's 6:45.

The night is young.
Possibilities are endless.

Then why are you
in your pajamas?

Oh, that's 'cause
I never left the house today.

I can conduct a lot of
my business from home.

It's not unusual for me
to go three, four days

without seeing another
human being face-to-face.

(CHUCKLES) It happens.

Are you depressed?

Deezy...

Because this look
like the apartment
of a very depressed person.

What? Depressed?

What do I have to
be depressed about?

-(LAUGHS)
-What are you laughing at?

(BEEP) you, Pigeon.

(WHISPERING) Where are we
supposed to sleep?

(WHISPERING) Oh, we are
so not sleeping here.

Oh! Let me
get you guys set up.

I didn't think I was going
to be having company over.

Uh, the recycling bin
was full, so, uh...

You know what? I can take
that out in the morning.

Don't worry about it.

Uh, let me just get these
out your way.

I'm just getting over a cold.

Still I got a little cough
but it's... It's loose.

It's breaking up.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Definitely not contagious.

Allergies, is what it is.

Oh, yeah. Sheets.

Gotta give everybody sheets.

Yeah, uh, can mine
not have semen on it?

-(MEOWS)
-Oh, hey!
There you are, Furly.

I think... (SNIFFS)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
These are good.

-MARQUESS: Ew.
-These are real good.

Here you go, ghost.

Mike, Pigeon.

Now, this carpet's real soft.

So, just find a place
and claim it.

And of course,
the lady can have my bed.

Um...

You know, that's fine.
I'll just stand

-over here.
-Furly. Whew!

That's my boy.

We've been
through a lot together.

Right, Furly?
He's like a brother to me.

He's my ride or die.

Oh, excuse me, everyone.
My phone is ringing.

It's Deezy. I mean, shit,
it's not Deezy.

But, uh,
it's someone else, though.

I'm gonna take it outside.
Okay, Deezy?

(STAMMERING)
So, not to be rude.

It's a private call
and no one should hear it.

Come on, everybody.

Everybody but Deezy.

Oh! You guys need towels.

I keep those in the bathroom.

'Cause I only got the one.

(FURLY MEOWS)

PIGEON: Well, at least
you know Deezy's
not stealing your money.

Dad, where are we gonna go?

Oh, Marquess.
What about your boyfriend?

My what? No.

Are you talking about Daniel?
No, he's a friend.

Right, but doesn't he sleep
in your room sometimes?

Only when he's too drunk
to drive home,

but that's just
what friends do.

But don't you also
(BEEP) him sometimes?

Okay, my God! Pigeon!

Spanish Inquisition much?

Damn! I didn't
wanna have to do this.

But I guess we're gonna
have to stay with my brother.

What? You have a brother?

Yeah. I never wanted
you guys to meet him

because he's a (BEEP) nerd.

Like a big (BEEP) dork.

Like a geek.

And I'm embarrassed
of him, all right?

(STAMMERING) Because I thought
if you ever meet him,

you'd probably think
I was a big (BEEP) dork, too.

But now that everybody knows
my secret shame,

we should just go there.
(BEEP) it.

Sleep in his (BEEP)
Star Trek sheets, all right,

and his (BEEP) Star Wars bed.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

-Michael?
-Hey, Neil.

Everyone, this is my brother,
Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Neil deGrasse Tyson
is your brother?

The astrophysicist?

This is the big (BEEP) nerd
you're ashamed of?

Yeah. (SIGHS) Hey, Neil.

Can me and my mystery team
live with you

for a little while, please?

Probably, for just, um,
like, three, four months.

Maybe five. Twelve tops.

But it could be even closer
to 18 months

or two years, you know?
Please?

(SIGHS) Michael.
I'm terribly sorry, but

I'm in the middle
of writing an important essay

on multiple universes,

or the multiverse,

in which I explore
how our own universe

is simply one of
the countless bubbles

bursting force from
the fabric of the cosmos.

You lost me after "Michael".

So, can we, uh,
can we stay with you or not?

No. It's just not a good time.

It's 1:00 in the morning

and I'm hosting a brunch

for some
fellow stargazers tomorrow.

Oh, my God,
you're such a (BEEP) nerd.

Can't we just
live with you, please?

You expect me to say yes?

We haven't spoken
in over a decade.

Why did you two stop talking?

He knows why.

-(BELL RINGING)
-(CROWD CHEERING)

Neil?

What the (BEEP)
does that mean?

(CROWD CHEERS)

(BODY THUDS)

I was trying to be supportive.

You know
what I should have done?

This!

(DOOR CLOSES)

Dad, now what are we gonna do?

I guess we'll sleep
in the van.

PIGEON: Sleep in the van...

(SCOFFS) We should have
just slept

in Deezy's semen-caked sheets.

(SHIVERING)

Damn, it's cold as
(BEEP), man.

(SHIVERING)

If that asshole's not gonna
let us sleep in his house,

the least he can do
is let us sleep in his garage.

It's still (BEEP) freezing.
Maybe I'll shut the door.

Maybe I just need
a little white noise

from the engine purring.

(ENGINE STARTING)

Ah!

Sweet, sweet slumber,
here I come.

Furly?

Where you at, little guy?

Furly?

Furly?

(FURLY PURRING)

(COUGHS)

(BEEPS)

(RINGING)

Furly! Cut this (BEEP)!

Oh, damn!

I should just go back
to the apartment
and get a can of tuna.

Furly will come right quick
if he smells tuna.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

-(RINGING)
-(MEOWING)

DEEZY: What up, Mike?
Where you guys at?

(MEOWING)

Furly? Oh, thank God.

Thank God.

Wait. What are
you doing with Mike?

Where are you guys?

What?

Slow down, Furly.

Wait a second. I can't speak
to a (BEEP) cat.

But something's wrong.

I know it.
I feel it in my bones.

Hmm...

What is that?
That's a garbage truck.

On a Sunday morning?

The only place that has
Sunday morning pickup

is Henderson, Nevada.

I remember it was
a controversial referendum

they said
would bankrupt the city.

Now, who do I know
that lives in Henderson?

Oh, (BEEP)!

Mike's brother,
the famous cosmetologist,

Neil Patrick Harris.

I'm coming, Furly!

Once again,
I'm sorry to disturb you,
Neil Patrick Harris.

That's really my bad.

And I'm sorry I made you
explain it so many times.

Truly, I am. I mean,
if I had just slowed down
for a second,

I would have thought,
"Different last name,

"different middle name,
white not black."

And you're not
even a cosmetologist.

Not at all.

-(MEOWS)
-(DEEZY COUGHS)

Deezy, what are you
doing here?

What are you doing here?

-I thought you guys
were gonna stay with me.
-PIGEON: What happened?

Well, we were

but when we saw your place,

we thought we could do better,
but we can't.

So can we stay with you again?

Of course, Mike.
My door is always open.

Really? Is that why
you have no furniture?

We'll follow you
back to your place.

This is gonna be
so great, Furly.

Having all those
people at our place.

Conversation flowing,
socializing...

Maybe we'll finally have
that game night
we've been talking about.

Whoo! This is gonna be good.

(BREATH TREMBLING)
Finally get me over
this, um...

This little depression
I've been...

I've been battling.

Dad, wait,
isn't this your wallet?

Oh (BEEP), we had it
the whole time.

(BEEP) it. Let's go
to the Four Seasons.

I can feel the
fog lifting already.

(MEOWING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, I bet you were surprised
to find out

that my brother
was Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Yeah, but he's not the only
famous Tyson in our family.

No, he isn't.

By the way, Cicely Tyson,
award-winning actress,

my great-great-aunt.

Oh, Tyson Beckford,

the Beau Brummell of his time.

Handsome, debonair, didactyl.
My third cousin.

And this is my tallest cousin.

This is, um, Tyson Chandler.

He's seven foot.

And this is my great-great...
Oh, my God,

my great-great-great-
great-grandfather,

Tyson chicken.

(THEME MUSIC CONTINUES)