Metalocalypse (2006–2013): Season 3, Episode 5 - FatherKlok - full transcript

Domo Tokyo!

I Ioves you Tokyo!

I Ioves each and
every ones of- yyyyyy.

Where's ams I?

Ams I beens kidnappeds?
Im's worth Iots of monies!

I'll gives to yous
whatsever you wants!

Please don'ts kills me!

I dos anythings.

Nobody can help you.

oh gods no.
Whys me?

Why don't you kills
Dethkloks insteads?



I'll leads you to thems!

They're rich!

I hardlys has any
publishings anyways!

oh, why does Tokis always
gets de bads luck?

I just have one thing to
say to you before I kill you.

(sobbing)

Whats.

Haaaaaaappy Birthday!!!

Surprise!

oh wowee...

Happy Birthday
Motherfucker!!

Ha! Yous!

We tricked you!

Yous tricked me!



We tricked you!

ohh the Iook on
your fucking face!

I thoughts- I was goings
to be murdereds.

That's the ideas.
You know?

Seriouslys though Tokis.

Happys Birthdays.

I really really thoughts
I was going to die...

Welp.
Go get cleaned up.

We got tons of fun
planned tonight.

And dude. There's about
a hundred sluts

out there came over to
fuck your brains out.

oh wondersfuls.
Just what I needs.

More sluts.

# Doodily ding dong
tick-tock #

# Doodily ding dong
tick-tock #

# Doodily ding dong
tick-tock #

# Doodily ding dong
tick-tock #

# Doodily ding dong
tick-tock #

# Dethklok!
Dethklok! Dethklok!

Dethklok! #

# I'II... teach you...

to... rock... #

# Dethklok, Dethklok #

# Skwisgaar Skwigelf,
taller than a tree #

# Toki Wartooth,
not a bumblebee #

# William Murderface
Murderface Murderface #

# Pickles the drummer
doodily doo #

ding dong doodily
doodily doo #

# Nathan EXplosion #

# #

Toki Wartooth multimillionaire,
no wedding ring, no girlfriend,

Iong flowing hair.

one of the most beautiful
pre-op trannies I've ever seen.

(laughing)

oh no you didn't!

Get another drink
in me and I

might take a crack
at you myself.

What do we have here!

The rest of Dethklok
just hanging out.

What a treat!

Pickles the drummer.

You know he's so high right now
he thinks he's watching this on

Youtube.

Ha!!!!!
I actually do!

And William Murderface.

What's it like spending all
day hanging out with

actual musicians?

(laughs)

All these years and
nothing's rubbed off?

Yeah!

Seriously foIks, what do you

throw a drowning
Bass Player?

His amp.

(laughs)

And Skwisgaar Skwigelf,

we got him right here.

You fuck more women
than breast cancer.

(laughs)

I'm kidding of course.

But back to Murderface, after
selling Krillions of records

it's refreshing to see that

women still won't fuck you.

(laughs)

Skanky Crack
whores who need the money,

they're like,
"no thanks".

That's not true.

How about
you over there?

We've got Tonto
in the building.

Why can't you
use your magical

Indian tracking
skills to find

some soap and water?

(laughs)

I can't tell if you haven't

showered or if
somebody's opening

up a factory
where they produce

things that
smell like shit.

(crowd gasps)

Give him a
round of applause.

He's good.

Dude, Toki,
there you are.

We've been Iooking
all over for you.

Hi...

oh, takes them away
please Pickle.

(beat) Please.

You heard him girls.

Hey, why'd you do that?

They were all going to
fuck your brains out.

I don't wants no
more hots sluts.

Don'ts you gets it?

They only wants us
becuase we ams famous!

Alls of this
ams bullshits.

Surroundeds by skankies goIds
diggers and sluts all day!

How dare you say that about
skanky goId diggers and sluts.

That is offensive.

Shame on you.

Can'ts you see?
I wants a real woman.

What are you talking about?

I wants a womans Pickle.
A reals womans.

A womans whats can
bears my childrens.

And I will does anythings
I needs to finds her.

Women around the world have
lined up to for a chance to meet

and hopefully marry
Toki Wartooth.

The lines are big and
it's getting violent.

But do they even
have a chance?

And that's the
Dethklok minute.

Hey Toki,
that's pretty cooI.

You got mentioned in
the Dethklok Minute.

Thanks Nathans!
But guys.

I'm nervous. I don't even knows
how to go abouts dis findings a

lady business.

oh Toki, that's cute.

That's precious.

You need some dating
advice from your pals.

Dats would be very
helpsful Pickle.

ok. Well, here's what you do
to meet a lady, alrighth

you get your tour manager to
find some chick and then

when he brings her backstage
you pull out your dick.

Yeah. You pulls out your dicks.

Pulls out your- Guys.
I'm talkings

about a real dates here.

How is that not a real date?

Yeah. How is that not
a real date Toki?

A date... Wheres you actuallys
talks to a girl...

And she says stuffs and you
ask each other questions...

and she talks
backs to yous...

Questions?
Wait a minute... questions?

Like when we're in
court questions?

Toki. Look. You need some lady
advice, you've come to the right

place...
In my eXperience-

Pfft (laughs)

I'm sorry.
Are you scoffing at me?

Nopes (laughs)

okay. Look.

I'm a little sick of this.

Sick of what?

of people thinking I
don't get any action.

That fucking comic
talking all that shit!

Well I'll have you all
know that I do get laid.

Constantly.

Why are yous directings
that at me?

I didn't even says nothing.

Because I know
what you think.

You think you're the king.

And you fucking aren't!

I am.
King of getting laid!

Murderface.

ok. Please, you don't
have to prove things to us.

It's fine.
Just-

No. Fuck you pickles
you smug asshole.

I can get any girl
Skwisgaar gets.

Any girl!
You dicks doubt me? Huh?

Yes.

Then I'll
fucking prove it.

Starting now I will sleep with
as many girls as Skwisgaar does.

Alright, fine.
You're on.

What are we going
to do for proof?

How about lady
underpants and or

recorded video and
or audio testimonial.

ok. Fine.
It's a bet!

Alright.
Well, I'll gets out of heres.

I thinks I'll gets a head
starts on humiliating yous.

Alright?

Yeah. Right.
I'm gonna get so much pussy that

I might choke.
on it.

on the pussy.
on all that pussy.

I'm going to choke.

Yous guys makes
me fuckings sick.

You're so
revoItinglys shallows.

Alls of you.
I gots to go meets

some peoples
at a dating agency.

I'll see you laters pals!!

Mr Wartooth, our company is very
serious about finding their

clients a life lady-mate
partner.

Life Lady-mates partner?

Yes. We're confident that our
matching system is so solid that

we give a one hundred
percent guarantee.

Well, dat ams somes
impressive numbers

buts I'm Iooking not
onlys for a friends

but alsos
a companion ands

a mothers to my childrens.

oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah,
no no problem.

Dats it?

Yes sir.

We can pinpoint your future
ladymate partner's

fertility to the second.

Not to brag but I can
pinpoint my fertility too.

All I need is some Iotion and a
little DSL quality internet

and some napkins.

I'm kidding, of course.
Keep going.

I toIds yous you could comes in
if you didn't ruins my meeting!!

I think I'm enhancing
the meeting.

Look. Sir? I just want to meet
like a hundred girls and

fuck the bajeesus
out of them.

So, uh, can we set up an
account here or somethin?

We don't do that here.
This is for life mates.

Damn. This is not
going to be easy.

Just waits in the
fuckings Iobby!

Sorry. Gaaaah!
You better find

this guy some pussy
because he is real-

Will you fuckings gets
outta here?!?!

Like I was saying, our matches
are accurate but we need

information from you.

First offh Iooks, we know
it's important that you be

attracted to your partner so
we want to make sure we know

First offh I don't even wants
her to knows I'm famous and

I don't cares whats
she Iooks likes!

Looks am fleetins.

And I'm not some shallow dildos
whats only cares about tits.

I wants a pures woman with
consfidensk and a trues heart.

Somebodys I
cans talks to-

I get the idea.

I think we're done.
Thanks you so much!

Thats ams wonderful news!

oh and Toki. Like I saidh
we guarantee our results.

I can do everything
that Skwisgaar,

I can get this lady, I can make
them... okay, calm down...

Hello everybody! Surprise
inspection! Right?

Hi there missy. EXcuse me.
Mind if I get in there and check

my myspace account.

I'm working actually.

Yeah just get a little
comfortable here...

Just approve a
couple comments.

I get a Iot of
crazy comments.

You're, probably a little
star struck right now.

Just relaX.

I'm trying to get
some work done.

RelaX, I'm just a
regular guy.

I mean sure I'm a multi
billionaire and I'm your boss

so you know what that means
...if you wanna keep your job...

Aghhhhhhhh!!!!
ow ow ow!!

Hellos?

Mr. Wartooth?

oh yes.

I have some very
good news for you.

We found your ladymate.

Hey, they
founds my ladymates!

We found the
lady you are going

to spend the
rest of your life with.

Her name is
Caroline Bsijldfjo.

oh wowee,
that's greats news!

Guys, I'm going on my big
dates, wish me lucks!

Good luck!

# I never mets you.
But I thinks I Ioves you.

You are the womans
of my dreams.

Computers technoIogies
brought us together.

And I thinks you're
the ones for me.

I am Toki.

You ares Caroline.

And we mets onlines.

Because I'm gonna
makes you mine.

And we probably
gets married.

Probably has childrens.

Probably lives our lives
togethers.

Probably dies togethers.

I am Toki. ##

Hi.

Hi.

Great date. oh.
Here's my fertility chart.

oh. It's uh- reallys?

The fifteenth.
You'll have to keep it open.

The fifteenths?

oh. That's when we'll have
intercourse.

Inster-intsercourse?
I means we just barelys met-

I like the name Wilthmore.
or Donnington.

For whats?

For our baby.
I've got to go.

Looking forward to our Iong
Iong future together life mate.

oh.

Don't forget, keep the fifteenth
open so you can deposit your

sperm into my
vagina with your penis.

ok.

Murderface, there's a seXual
harassment lawsuit being filed

against you by one of our
employees at the

online department.

What?
Are you kidding me?

That is fucking bullshit.
What is the world coming to?

I didn't even get a chance to
seXually harass her!

Whether or not it's true
is beside the point.

In cases like these it's best
to provide a lump payment

(out of your pocket of course)
And settle out of court.

oh and you're going
to have to attend

a seXual harassment seminar.

A seXual harassment
seminar's

totally gonna interfere
with me getting pussy.

I better not Iose this bet
because of this!

I wonder if Skwisgaar's
even participating.

ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhh.

ohh ohh ohh ohhh.

So? How was the date?

(lying) oh great! Great!
She's really the ones!

oh and what's a personality.

That's great, man!
So when do we get to meet her?

Nevers.

ooooh. I get it.

You're afraid we'll try
to steal her away.

She must be something, Huh?
She must be an angel huh?

Like a gift from God.

Yups.

Hey, that's great.
So you really

recommend this
dating agency, huh?

oh not reallys no.
It's uuuh, toos eXpensive.

It's just ways toos eXpensives.

Dude, but I thought they
picked awinner for you.

Hey I gots an ideas!

How bouts nomore
talkings about this?

I havesto gos and meets with
demsactuallys right now.

Good bye!

Wow. Never seen the
kid so happy.

Hey, foIks.
It's me! FACEBoNES!

Alright, Facebones!

I'm here to tell you about
a very serious issueh

SeXual Harassment
in the Workplace!

But first, what
is seXual harassment?

Well, seXual harassment
is the act of

It takes the power away from the
person being harassed and makes

the harasser more
powerful than ever.

I got fucking
peppersprayed.

How, how does that
give me power?

Compliments in the workplace

can easily become misconstrued

and taken as flirtation.

And now, a short eXample.

In this eXample, a KIokateer
will be equipped with a

shocking mechanism that will
help guide him into behaving

properly at work.

Is that a new belt?

Yes. It is.

It Iooks very good.

Saying that your
belt Iooks good

can be taken as a
seXual advance.

Let's try that again.

Is that a new belt?

Yes. It is.

That is good
information to have.

Saying something like "that is
good information to have"

could be kind of creepy
and make it seem like

he's compiling information for a

parking Iot attack

or home invasion.

And that's harassment!

Ahhh! Fuck!

Cursing in the
workplace can also

make people feel awkward.

Now let's try that again.

Is that a new belt?

Yes it is.

Best to avoid all
those compliments

and continue working.

Now let's watch again without
all those confusing compliments.

Well done. But what if our
klokateer wanted to not make

any compliments but
instead, a fun joke.

Humor is hurtful
and can ruin lives.

We're almost done foIks.

We're rounding the corner to
finishing up our seXual

harassment fun marathon!

And now some practical
information.

Do not linger around in
restrooms.

Keep your office door open so
that people can see that

you're clearly not
jacking off in there.

If you get a
boner during work,

best to eXcuse yourself
and go home!

Here's a list of things to
remember to avoid getting caught

in a tricky
seXual harassment lawsuit.

Here we goooo!

Will this thing
never end?!?!?!

So I'm hearing that the date
went really well...

Congratulations that's 20.

Uhh. First off thanks yous.

Howsever I thinks I may
has been mismatched.

Possibys a mistakes on
your behalfs?

That is impossible Mr. Wartooth.

Welps. I mean. I'm nots totallys
sure I has made a truly solids

connection with hers. And wells,
physicallys-she's uuuuh-

Ah ah ah ah Mr. Wartooth.

You weren't concerned with her
Iooks it says that right

here on your papers.

Yes dats trues howevers. Le's
backs up a little bitsh

Hers personalities-

Her personality is adequate for
your temperament Mr. Wartooth.

Eladymates dot com
guarantees its results.

We suggest that you go back and
concentrate on making this work.

Well buts-

We suggest you go.

Fine! I'll gos and tries
to makes it work

but you know whats?

Dis is Bullshits!

FoIIow him. And if he fails to
fulfill his end of the contract

hurt one of his Ioved ones.

And hurt his Ioved
one where it hurts.

Sir?

Hurt him in his dick.
And his balls.

Which one?

The guy.

Hello, hello, Mrs. Johnson?

Yes this is William Murderface
from Dethklok, the bass player...

I'm offering a one time deal
here only where

I come over and fuck you.

Uh, interested?

Yeah, I fuck you.

Yeah.

No, it's no joke. I'm not
screwing around!

ok well then could I purchase a
pair of your underwear?

Williams?

oh, fuck you lady!

Thanks a Iot Toki.

I was just about to get laid.

I'm sorrys.

Ah, it's fine. I just- ugh.

Time is almost up with this bet
and I haven't really uh...

(to himself)

I gotta have seX with at least
one girl before it's over...

Can I confides in yous abouts
somethings personals?

Come on. You can trust me.

Dis goils. I don't thinks it ams
workings out and I don't knows

whats to does abouts it!

Have you boned her?

No. But dats de things.

She really wants tos.

So! What the fuck!

I'm sitting here having
the dry spell of my life

and the stakes are high.

And you're just... oooh,
this girl wants to fuck me

and I don't know what to doooo!

I should punch you in the face!

Get the fuck out of my office!

(Door slams)

ooh! oh!
Does she have a sister?!!!

So this girl wants
to get it on with you.

on de fifteenth.

Why is that important?

That's when she says she ams
ovulating and thats chances ams

high for whats
to be pregnants.

So she wants to have
planned seX with you?

SeX designed to procreate.
Ugh. Fucking gross.

You can't tell me
when to have a boner.

That's MY business!

And you know what else?

Dis is whats she Iooks like.

oh boy.

She Iooks like a gorilla
whats been shaved.

Yeah. Well, you're
in the hot seat.

Look, you want advice?
I got some for you.

When the fifteenth comes you
just gotta to listen. Right?

Listens?

You need to listen
to your dick Toki.

Your dick will tell you eXactly
what you need to do.

Alright?
Listen to your dick.

Yeah.
Listen to your dick.

Listens to my dick!

And also, don't ever get into a
room you can't get out of.

(knocks on door)

Hi.

Hi.

I went ahead and purchased some
non animal lubricant in case

my vagina refuses
to self lubricate.

oh. Good thinkings.

In the bathroom you'll find some
medical penis soap.

I'd appreciate if you scrubbed
down your penis.

Twice.

oh.

What?

You will?

With me?

Yeah I know that hotel!

You'll let me video tape it??
Fuck yeah, man!

See you then!

oh fuck yes!
I'm gonna get laid.

oh, thank you Craigslist!!!

Stupid medicines-smellings
penis soaps.

It's gross.

(chipmunk voice squeaks)
Toki...

Who ams dis?

It's me. Your dick.

Pickle toId me to
listens to you!

Toki.
You must listen to me.

We can't have seX with that
woman in the other room.

But we has to.
or we will gets in trouble!

Then you may as
well chop me off.

I'm talking about
saving your life.

If you have seX with that woman
you will be miserable forever.

(Echo on)
'Ever.'

Toki?
Why aren't you undressed?

I'm gettings out of heres. I'm
listenings to my dicks this time

and it says don'ts
gets near you!

You get over here and engage
in intercourse with me!

It's the fifteenth!

I don't care what numbers it is,
I'm not going to dos it!

I don't think so!

Don't ever get into a room
you can't get out of.

He didn't fulfil
his end of the deal.

That's right,
classic date.

Knock on the ole door...
pull out your dick!

[Skipped item nr. 518]

I can'ts believes I wons.

I only had seX withs
about four hundreds goils

in likes two weeks.

And I wasn't even trying.

Yeah but we never
got those final

numbers back from Murderface.

Hey Murderface, how
many girls you sleep with?

None.

What's that?

I said fucking none!

I would've won if my
dick weren't broken

and splayed.

Not a level
playing field.

Well there you go.

Yahs.
Anybodies seens Tokis?

I think he's finally
celebrating his birthday.

Dis ams a
greats dates ladies.

And nows I ams
pulls out my dick.