Merry Happy Whatever (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Merry Ex-mas - full transcript

♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell
Jingle bell rock ♪

♪ Jingle bells swing
And jingle bells ring ♪

Oh, you're up.

Merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas, Mr. Quinn.
- Merry Christmas, Dad.

Couldn't we have slept in?

This is the first Christmas in forever
I didn't have to wake up early

to Skype Alan's nana in Finland.

Well, I waited as long as I could,

but you know this is my favorite day,

and I wanted to spend it
with my loved ones,



and Matt.

I need coffee.

Oh, or is there some sort of Quinn family
Christmas-morning beverage?

No, just coffee.

But you do have to put a dash of cocoa
in it and stir with a candy cane.

Oh, Em.

Oh, check this out.

Last night, Nancy texted me
these five little fire cartoons.

- Hey, that's great, Dad.
- Mm-hmm.

And by the way, those are called emojis.

Huh?

Oh.

I might use 'em,
but I'm not gonna call 'em that.

Okay.



- Ooh, cinnamon swirl bread.
- Oh! No, no, no. No touching that.

It's for Christmas day brunch.
And no sniffing either.

Sniffing leads to touching.

Mom used to make Christmas Day brunch,

but now Patsy does
using Mom's old recipes.

And this year is extra special
because I'm cooking for 12

and eating for two.

When it comes to gift giving,
your boy goes hard on the paint.

Yeah.

Dad.

Stop staring at my hair.

This is the new Kayla.

I liked the old Kayla.

Well, the old Kayla
didn't like the old Kayla,

so she became the new Kayla
who happens to love the new Kayla.

Okay.

So, Dad, you gearing up
for Grandpa Jack coming over?

No gearing up necessary.

He is your mother's father and I love him.

He's a cherished member of this family.

And he comes over
whether I invite him or not.

Grandpa Jack thinks his daughter
could have done way better than Don.

Legend has it, he said that during
his toast at their wedding.

Oh, man. If I had a time machine,
that would be stop one.

He loves to just needle Don.

He calls this his house because he gave
Don the down payment for it 30 years ago.

Drives Don crazy.

I love Grandpa Jack.

So?

Merry Christmas.

I can't wait to exchange gifts
with my super awesome boyfriend.

Right back at you,
my super awesome girlfriend.

Dude, I don't have
a Christmas gift for Emmy.

I got so caught up deciding
whether to propose or not,

I did not even think about
needing a backup gift.

Remember last night when everyone was mad
at me for trying to make our baby Jewish?

You make me look so good.

Merry Christmas, Jack.

Happy Holidays!

And yes, I said, "Happy Holidays"
instead of "Merry Christmas"

just to tick you off.

Emmy Bear, come here.

Mmm!

Are you the lady CEO
of that job of yours yet?

They just call it CEO, Grandpa.

And no,

- but I might have some big news later.
- Oh.

Kayla.

My favorite.

- Hi!
- Mmm.

Oh, where's that handsome husband
of yours?

- Oh. Actually, Alan and I are separated.
- Good riddance.

Too skinny.

I could never tell if he left a room
or just turned sideways.

I love you, Grandpa Jack!

There we go.

Jack, you know
we don't drink in this house.

Yes, but I'm only doing it
in the 20% of the house I paid for.

Joy, please, you gotta help me out.

I need a present for Emmy.

Anything you can pick up on your way over.

A gas card. A lotto scratcher.
A bottle of wine.

That last one's for me.

- Sorry, Baby Duck.
- Oh!

Oh, my God.

You know, I was already bummed
that I'm not proposing today.

Now Emmy's Christmas is gonna be ruined

'cause her boyfriend got her
a big box of...

I don't even have a big box.

Still in our jammies, I see.

Merry Christmas, Joy.

Merry Christmas.

I thought you guys could use
a little backup money

while Sean looks for a new job.

And unlike Grandpa Jack,
I'm never gonna mention that check again.

Wow, Don.
That's incredibly thoughtful of you.

- Mm-hmm.
- But you know how stubborn Sean is.

He won't take a handout.

On the other hand, I'll make him.

That's why I gave it to you.

You're pushy.

And since I'm not married to you,
I like it.

- Whoa.
- Poppy Don, check out what Santa got me.

Hey, be careful with that thing,
all right?

Actually, why don't you guys
take it outside

and you can play with it
around Grandpa Jack's car.

There you go.

Nancy.

- Hey!
- Hey.

Merry Christmas.

You too. I was just, um,
dropping off a gift.

- For me?
- Mm-hmm.

- Why don't you come inside?
- Uh, no.

- I should get going.
- Oh, come on.

I've got a huge tin of popcorn in there.
It's got three flavor compartments.

I only have one mouth.

- Come on.
- Okay. Just for a second.

Hey, everybody.

- You remember Nancy from urgent care.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Merry Christmas.

- Hi.
- Merry Christmas.

- Nancy, I, uh, think you've met my kids.
- Yeah.

Oh, there's Matt,
who staple-gunned my head.

Accidentally, sir.

- And that's, uh, everybody.
- Who's this?

Jack, uh, this is...

my friend Nancy.

Nancy, this is Jack, my father-in-law.

Who, for one brief, beautiful moment,
I forgot was here.

So you're a friend of Don's?

Mm-hmm.

You do any other charity work?

Nancy just stopped by
to give me this...

beautiful travel mug.

It's perfect.

Just the other day,

I went to take a sip of coffee,

and guess what?

It was cold.

It was ice cold.

Thank you, milady.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna take this
little bad boy in there for a test drive.

I'll get us both some coffee.

- Oh, n-no. Thank you. I'm gonna go.
- Oh, no. One cup.

I won't take no for an answer. Please.

Mmm...

Okay.

Okay.

Honey.

- What are you doing?
- Oh, this coffee smells bad.

These eggs smell bad too.

Uh-oh. This happened to me
when I was pregnant.

Your sense of smell goes crazy. I couldn't
even be in the same room as milk.

Please don't say milk.

Oh, I forgot to ask Nancy
if she wanted her coffee with milk.

Patsy, if you feel sick,
why don't you let me help you?

I've made French toast before.

But it's my thing.

I will power through.

Nope.

Okay, here.

You, uh... You put on this apron
so you don't get anything on your outfit.

But also, don't get anything on the apron,
and maybe clean up as you go.

Oh, and I have noticed
you are a little generous with the salt...

Milk.

How long is Dad gonna keep Nancy here?

I mean, it's been like an hour.

Like, when does this become
a hostage situation?

Matt, look. For Christmas,
Donny made us these coupons

for foot massages.

Oh, cute.

Oh, stupid Donny.

Hey.

Do you think he was working
on his proposal?

I can't wait for him to ask.

And you need to look
like someone worth asking.

- Wow.
- What? There's gonna be a lot of photos.

And Instagram is forever.

You're right.

Start with my brows
and work your way out.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Hmm.

My coffee? Still piping hot.

Is it five fire emojis hot, Dad?

I...

I told everyone
about our fun little text exchange.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- You did?
- Yeah.

Okay, well, you know what?

I think I have to go.

Oh. Oh, Sean.

Get a picture of me and Nancy
and my new mug.

A mug-shot.

I, uh, really have to go.
It was nice re-meeting all of you.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Merry Christmas, Don.

- Merry Christmas.
- Bye.

So, you're dating someone new

and decided that that wasn't information

that your deceased wife's father
needed to know.

No, Jack. Nancy and I, uh...

Uh, we haven't even been
on an official date yet.

Wait, you're not dating?

No.

Well, no wonder she ran out of here.

You were acting
like you were already an item.

You bozo.

No, I wasn't.

I...

Was I?

Yeah.

Oh, I...

I kissed her hand.

Did I say "milady"?

How you landed my daughter
is a mystery for the ages.

Hello, Patsy.
Are you calling me from the bathroom?

Yes, I am dipping, not dunking.

Yes, I am measuring meticulously.

Ah, all right, take care.

Story of my life. Too nice.

Find a gift yet, ding-dong?

I think I did.

I found this in the back of a cabinet
in the spare room.

It's her favorite color.
Totally her taste.

I'm sure it is.

"Emmy Quinn. Grade seven."

Okay, present time.

Oh, God.

Dude, I know. You're good at coming up
with songs on the fly.

Why don't you just do a classic,
you know...

♪ I'm Matt and I'm cute ♪

♪ And I sing music ♪

Yes. I don't even need to come up
with a whole new song.

I already got the song
I wrote for the proposal.

I'll just tweak that bad boy as I go,
and I'm back in the game.

Thanks, guys.

Ooh.

Outlaws on three.

No, Todd.

I forgot how much I love presents!

They make you forget about your problems.

Oh. A book about divorce.

So You're Alone.

Merry Christmas, little sis.

Oh, my God.

It's a piece of the original storyboard
from Star Wars.

Wow.

I don't deserve this.

Oh, babe, I'm sure what you're giving me
will be pretty good too.

Time for Matt to give his gift to Emmy.

And I'm gonna film it.

For no reason.

Um, all right. Uh, well, my...

present to Emmy is, uh...
It's a little different.

Um...

I thought that I would, uh, give her a...

a song.

A song?

Is he bad with money like you?

♪ It's Christmas Day ♪

♪ And all is right ♪

♪ I dreamt of you all through the night ♪

♪ I pictured you ♪

♪ My heart did race ♪

♪ 'Cause in my dreams, I saw your face ♪

♪ And I've been wanting
To ask for a while ♪

♪ The question that leads us
To the aisle... ♪

♪ Land of love ♪

♪ So make my Christmas wish come true ♪

♪ Let's stand before our friends and say ♪

♪ Woo-hoo ♪

I can't watch this.

I know.

But I can't look away.

♪ And the only thing that'll make this day
Go more merrily ♪

♪ Is Emmy, will you ♪

♪ Keep dating me? ♪

Yay.

Okay, who's next?

Presents. Yay.

Is that it?

Uh, pretty much.

It was, uh... great.

Thank you.

Save for blackmail.

I just wish I never found
that stupid ring.

I got my hopes up for nothing.
I feel like such an idiot.

Oh.

You're not an idiot. Okay?

You're just...

dating one.

Don't say that.

Or maybe do. I don't know.
I mean, it's just... It's so frustrating.

Like, that song was clearly
supposed to be a proposal.

And then, it just went down the disposal.

See? Even I can write a better song
than him.

I just don't understand
why he didn't do it.

I'm sorry, Em.

But on the plus side,

I have a video

that, in a few months,
you will find hilarious.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why is that apron
on your body? Is your body pregnant?

Relax, it's Patsy's.

Oh, thank God.

'Cause I love our kids, but I don't think
I have it in me to love another one.

Speaking of surprises,
your dad gave us this.

And before you freak out, remember,
we need it, I want it, shut up.

No, we're not taking this.
I've only been out of work a month.

Okay, fair point, but hear me out.

We need it. I want it. Shut up.

We don't need help from my dad.

I'm my own man
and I can take care of our family.

I'm mad about the check,
but also a little turned on.

Family photo time!

Okay.

All right, Matt, you take the picture.

You all know the drill.
Girls on the couch with me.

Guys in the back,

and Grandpa Jack to the side
so he's easy to cut out.

Okay. Emmy, you look especially lovely.

I love it.

Love it.

Alan, scooch in a bit.

- Alan!
- Hi, Kay.

Quinns.

Photographer.

Um, Matt.

We met on the, uh...

That's not important.

Alan.

You're not welcome in this house.

Daddy.

I got this.

What are you doing here?

Kayla, I-I woke up this morning,

and it hit me how much I miss you.

I don't want to do
Christmas morning without you.

I don't want to do any morning
without you.

Will you take me back?

Come on.

Okay.

- Aww.
- Yay!

No!

Way!

No way! What a wonderful,
not-upsetting-at-all turn of events.

I love my new earrings, Alan.

- I love your ears.
- That's so funny.

Em.

Aw, thanks, Matt.

Heavenly Father.

On this Christmas morning,
we thank you for your bounty,

and for giving Alan the good sense
to come back to Kayla.

You see, God,

sometimes us men,
we aren't good at affairs of the heart.

We get excited. We overstep.

He's talking about how he scared
that lady out of here.

Anyway...

thanks for the grub, Lord.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Hey, guys.

Uh, just...

remember, it's Joy's first time
cooking Christmas brunch, so...

be kind.

This is so good, Joy.
You've been holding out on us at home.

Babe, you have to try
this amazing French toast.

- Mmm, yum. Mmm.
- It's really good, Mom.

Wow. Okay.

So everyone's genuinely loving it.

It's really good, Mom.

Maybe Joy can raise my baby, too.

No phones at the table!

It's your phone, Dad.

Hmm.

Hello.

What?

It's Christmas.

You got to be kidding.

Okay, fine.

Bad news.

I have to go in to work.

- What?
- Aww.

It's a Christmas miracle!

Hey, Barney Fife.

You really blew it with that woman.

So you mentioned.

Look, uh, I know I give you a lot of guff
because...

you make it so easy.

But for what it's worth...

when you started dating my daughter,

she always said
the thing she liked about you

is that you were confident enough
to hang back

and let her take the lead.

So, with the next one,

maybe try that.

Well...

Thanks, Jack.

All righty.

See you at Easter.

Don't start.

I'm not starting.

Just saying, as the only person
who knows what's going on with you,

what's going on with you?

Oh. Oh, you're gonna criticize
my life decisions today?

Okay.

Look, I...

I'm getting back together with my husband,
which is my choice.

Okay.

You don't know me, Matt.

What? You've been here for what,
five days?

Look, Alan and I have known each other
for almost ten years

and a lot of those years were...

fine.

And they lived finely ever after.

Look, I'm just worried
you're going back to the life

you seemed happy to be free of.

When did I seem happy to you?

When... when I was secretly staring
at bikini photos of Alan's assistant?

When I was getting rejected at the mall?

When I was talking to a fish?

Yeah, no. I guess not any of those times.

Look, I just...

I just want everything
to go back to how it was.

Hey.

I just wanted to say...

I'm sorry brunch came out so well.

That is so sweet of you to say.

It's just, since my mom passed away,
I've...

- I've felt like I just need to...
- Patsy.

You don't have to be
everyone's mom anymore.

Just that little one's.

Oh!

Oh.

Okay. I guess you're in the hyper
emotional stage of pregnancy too.

No.

This is just me.

All right, boys, time to go.

I haven't even gotten a turn yet.
Donny's hogging it.

Donny, give your father a turn.

So, you have a fish.

I stole it from urgent care

when Matt staple-gunned my dad's head
and fell off the roof.

You missed a lot.

Yeah. I got that from your haircut.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, Emmy messed it up, but...

don't worry, I'll be back to normal soon.

- Up! Other up! You're going down!
- Stop distracting me.

I got it! I...

Sorry, Mr. Zarkades.

These kids.

I'll pay for that.

There's tape inside.

Thanks.

You still turned on?

Sure.

Hey, Em.

I have, uh, one more gift for you.

I just wanted to wait till it was just us.

Oh.

There's only one way to know for sure.

Eagles suck!

Yep, we're alone.

It's a couples cooking class.

For paella.

You know, I thought we could, uh,
make the paella together.

- You know, then eat the paella together...
- I found the ring, Matt.

I don't know why I'm surprised.

You deciding not to propose
at the last minute, it's so classic Matt.

What are you talking about?

What I've been talking about.

I mean, you being satisfied
playing one show a week with your band,

and canceling the solo gig in Philly.

And yeah, backing out on the proposal.

It's like you don't follow through
on anything.

All right.

I think I've slept it off.

Now I'm gonna go out and see

if the breathalyzer
will let me start my car.

Merry Christmas.

Okay, FYI,

I asked your dad for his blessing
on day one of this trip

and he said no.

- What?
- Yes.

Okay, okay. Well, don't...
Don't blame this on him.

Because if you really wanted to ask me,
you would have asked me.

So don't pretend
like that's why you didn't propose.

You know what? You're right, Emmy.
That's not the reason.

I didn't propose
because I found your job offer letter.

And when were you gonna
tell me about that?

I...

I didn't think I was gonna take the job.

You didn't think, but you might have?

You might have taken a job
and moved back to Philadelphia?

- Cool. Good to know.
- Okay.

Well, I'm sorry, but it's hard for me
to turn down opportunities

when I'm the only one
thinking about the future

instead of just floating through life,
hoping everything's gonna work out.

Yes! Yes!

I have a different approach
to life than you.

I don't feel like I have to control
every single detail of it.

But it's who I've always been.

And since, in the last week, you decided
you don't like that guy anymore,

then maybe I should just go back to LA.

Go.

It's what you've been wanting to do
ever since we got here.

Yeah.

And maybe you should take that job.

- I think I will.
- Fine.

- Good.
- Great!

Nope.

I'm glad that clerk decked you.

Stealing a Salvation Army kettle
on Christmas!

In my defense, I'm super high.

Don?

What are you doing here?

- Oh, Nancy, hey.
- Hey.

I got called into work at the last minute.

Oh. Me too.

Already using it.

Hey.

Nance, I'm sorry about this morning.

I didn't mean to ambush you. I-I just...

Whatever...

we're doing,

or not doing...

I'm not good at it.

No, you are not.

I'm just gonna hang back.

Let you take the lead.

Sounds good.

I hate it when Jack's right.

To working on Christmas.

Cheers to that.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Emmy's having some tea ♪

♪ I think I'll also have tea ♪

You in a better mood?

Good old Christmas never lets you down.

Hey.

Hey, you okay?

Matt and I got in a fight,

and, uh, he's flying back to LA.

And...

I think we broke up.

Oh, sweetie. Oh...

I'm so sorry.

Are you?

Then when he asked for your blessing,
why did you say no?