Merry Happy Whatever (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Christmas Break - full transcript

It's supposed to be really windy later.

Says here, uh, "up to 40 miles per hour."

That is gusty.

Does that mean I have your blessing
to wear a windbreaker,

or are you gonna withhold that, too?

'Cause you don't like the one I brought
all the way from LA for you to meet.

Morning!

Oh, other people. Hi!

Um, we just came by
to borrow your fondue set

for family game night tonight.

- Oh.
- We're doing a Parisian theme.



Oh, yeah. I got candy cigarettes.

Ooh la la!

Smoking kills, Todd.

Unfortunately,
I'm not gonna be able to make it.

Uh, Nancy has invited me to dinner.

Oh, wow.

- It's your first official date.
- Yep.

I haven't been on one of those

since I took your mother
to a Pink Floyd laser show.

We both hated it.

And I knew she was the one.

You must be so nervous.

You know,
if you want any dating pointers, I...

The internet's probably a good resource.



So, Pats, how's the baby stuff going?

Good. G-Good.

Yeah, we're, um...

dealing with some fun decisions.

Yeah, like what color
to paint the nursery

and w-what baby names we like.

And what religion your child should be.

Yup.

- It's all so exciting.
- Yeah.

Speaking of exciting,
Emmy, uh, aren't you having lunch

with the partners
from your fancy new accounting firm today?

She is.

And, hey, remember,

don't just order a salad.

You show 'em you're a gal
who knows her way around a steak.

Wow. You are like
the Walmart of unsolicited advice.

Just a one-stop shop
for all my meddling needs.

I'm sorry, Em.

I know the past few days
have been really hard.

But this new job could be a...
a good thing.

Like a new chapter, now that you've...

broken up with...

Matt.

Did you forget his name already?

I'm just trying
not to think about him right now.

Oh.

Right.

That one's on your boy.

Where is Matt, by the way?

Okay.

Try to chew quietly.

Your sister's almost asleep.

What time is it?

- It's 9:16.
- A.m. or p.m.?

A.m. or p.m.?!

Oh, my God! Sean.

We slept in.

I feel...

amazing.

I look amazing!

My brain feels rested.

Sixteen, twenty-eight, four.

That's my junior high locker combination.

I got up in the middle of the night
to pee

and heard Margie crying,
so I picked her up,

and I've been holding her and the pee
ever since.

Welcome to motherhood.

Thanks again for letting me stay here.

"Any word on when you're flying out?"
she asked,

hoping you'd stay
and take care of her kids forever.

No, still on standby.

Which is kind of like a metaphor
for my life and career.

I've been fixating on that
since dawn.

All right. Time to go back to Mommy.

Ooh, sorry, dude.

I think, legally, she's yours
at this point.

So, good luck.

Well, I have to leave
for my job interview in an hour.

I think I'm gonna take a shower
and exfoliate.

Did you hear that word I used, hon?

Should I start doing crosswords?

Oh, I'm gonna set up
an Instagram account

to showcase my students' artwork.

Cut to me being in the local paper.

Cut to me getting Teacher of the Year.

Cut to me on Ellen.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna meet Ellen.

Oh, just a reminder.
I'm staying at Todd and Patsy's tonight.

- No, we can't go back to how it was.
- They don't deserve you.

Good morning, you.

It is so nice having you back in our bed.

Thank you.

So...

it occurs to me,
now that we're back together...

Husband and wife.

Mr. and Mrs.

Boo and bae.

We could maybe start to do
normal couples type things.

Like... you know.

Oh, right!

That.

Duh!

Unless you're not ready to...

you know.

Oh! No. No, I am so ready to... you know.

'Cause, like you said,
we're a normal husband and wife

who should do

normal...

fit-right-into-society things.

- So, let's start.
- Here we go.

Mmm. Yes!

Oh! Oh, your stomach.

- Are you hungry?
- No.

- I'm fine. I...
- No. I heard that.

You are starving.

I'm gonna make pancakes.
Chocolate chip pancakes.

Yay!

Yay.

Well, thanks again, Ted.

I was so impressed by all the partners.

Not as impressed as they were by you.

You had Patrick laughing so hard,
you could see his gray tooth.

Which is weird,
because we have great dental.

Welcome home, champ.

Well...

Thanks again, Ted.
See you in the new year.

Let's go, Dad.

Coming, honey.

Sounds like it went well.

Went great. She's great.

Truth is, I would've hired her anyway.

Babe, this sleep thing's no joke.

I don't think I need to blink anymore.

Yeah, I feel like
I'm gonna crush my interview.

Which is great, 'cause
it's for the same position as my last job,

but the pay is a little less
and the commute's a little longer.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I'm sensing you're not excited
about this interview.

That is so perceptive,
'cause I'm really not.

Sean, you've been
in construction management since college.

You put thousands of miles
on your truck going from site to site.

Maybe there's something else
you'd like to try.

Something you actually enjoy.

But if I enjoy doing it,
it wouldn't be work, silly.

I love what I do, and actually,

the school has been asking me
to expand my hours,

which would mean more money.

Which would mean you could take
the time to figure out your next move

instead of taking a job that you hate
before you even start.

Really?

You'd be cool with that?

As long as you're cool
staying home with the kids a little more.

I love our kids. We have three, right?

I'll cancel the interview.

Thanks.

This might be the sleep talking,
but I want you to be happy.

Oh, hey.

I made tea.

You want some?

It's not poisoned, is it?

No, Dad.

I know things have been kind of frosty
between us,

and I thought a warm beverage
might help thaw us out.

Oh.

Great.

Phew.

Oh, hey.

What did Ted mean when he said
he would have hired me anyway?

I have no idea.

Interesting.

I mean, he's your friend.
I figured you might have a little insight.

Well, I don't know Ted that well. I...

ran into him at Wawa and found out
you were in the same industry,

and I just...

put the two of you together.

Wawa?

Huh.

Last week you told me
you ran into him at church.

Which one was it?

Church.

Yeah, church.

I got confused, because I love God,

and hoagies.

Yeah.

I guess I'm just wondering
why a guy you don't know too well,

your words,

after running into you at church or Wawa

would offer me a dream job.

Why did he say "anyway?"

- Why?
- Oh, okay, okay!

Ted owed me a favor.

He had a minor run-in with the law,

and I didn't arrest him,
and he was grateful,

and he met with you
as a way of paying me back.

- Oh, my God.
- And it led to your dream job.

Your words.

Well, that's not the way
I wanted to get it.

You manipulated the whole situation.

But you would've gotten the job anyway.
Remember? Anyway?

Wow.

You really don't get it.

Just stop messing with my life.

Oh, honey.

Hey! Not for nothing,
you'd make an amazing cop.

Thanks so much for helping us out, man.

Oh, no problem.

Hoping maybe it will help
keep my mind off Emmy.

Whoops! I just said her name,
so not working.

Yeah, things have been a little tense
between Patsy and me, too.

We're just coming up with baby busy work

so we don't have to talk about
the whole Catholic versus Jewish thing.

Whoops! I'm talking about it,
so also not working.

Hello, my super helpers.

Oh, it's a perfect day for painting.

What am I looking at?

Oh, yeah.

I, uh, found a different shade of yellow
called Butter Moon.

It's yellow without being too yellow.

We already decided on Morning Sun.

Classic Todd.

We decide on one thing, he comes in
and ambushes me with another.

No.

No, no ambush.

I still like Morning Sun.
Morning Sun's great.

I just think we could also consider
Butter Moon.

Mm-hmm.

I had my heart set on Morning Sun.

Yeah. I love Morning Sun.

I worship Morning Sun.

But now here you come,
saying you want me to worship Butter Moon.

Look, I only agreed

because paint color seemed
more important to you, but now...

it's equally important to me,
and I like Butter Moon!

Mm, um...

Just gonna throw it out there.

The two yellows...

are very similar.

They couldn't be more different.

See? Not talking about it.

Hello!

I brought pancakes!

Oh. Hey, Kayla.

I'm so glad you're here.

Which one of these shirts says

that I'm a confident man
who's not at all nervous about this date?

Oh, your big date with Nancy.

- Yeah.
- Aw.

I miss the beginning of a relationship.

Or before then when you're still single.

- That one.
- Yeah, oh.

Thanks.

I would've asked Emmy,
but we're kind of in a fight.

I keep trying to help her,
and she keeps seeing that as a bad thing,

which is robbing me of the satisfaction
of being right.

Okay. I'll be in my room doing push-ups
in case Nancy touches my arm.

Uh-oh. Running during winter
like a crazy person. What happened?

Just trying to blow off some steam.

Dad is driving me nuts.

What do you mean? He's the best!

Sound travels in this house.

What's going on?

Okay, well,
you know that job that I got?

Dad basically got it for me,
which totally ruins it,

but now my job in LA
seems so blah in comparison.

It's like I got a taste of the good stuff
and now I'm hooked.

I totally get drugs now.

What are drugs?

Lower your voice!

Not to mention the way he meddled
in my relationship with Matt.

I'm sick of Dad trying to control my life.

I think I'm just gonna stay at a hotel.

No. No, come stay with me.

What? No.
You're just getting back with Alan.

- I wouldn't want to get between...
- No, no, no, no, you have to.

For you, I'd even kick Alan out of bed.

Maybe even out of the house.

What's for lunch?

Because Mom usually lets us
have something chocolaty.

Nice try, but there's a new mom in town,

and his name is "Dad."

Eggies? That's a breakfast thing.

Yeah, we've never had eggies
for lunch before. It's unheard of.

Just try it.
I made 'em a little different.

Double cheesed 'em.

Slice of white American, slice of yellow.

Sean style.

Nice touch with the Eagles stamp, Dad.

Saw the panini press in SkyMall.

Dropped a few hints, and boom,
Mom hooked me up for Christmas.

This is awesome.

Better than chocolate.

Yes! I am nailing
this stay-at-home dad thing.

Maybe you should stay at home more often.

Maybe I will.

Dad, your apron's on fire.

Oh, God!

Hey, sorry we had to kind of kick you
out of the house for game night tonight.

Ah, it's okay.
I have to have my stuff with me

in case I get a last-minute flight out.

Anyway, seeing Emmy
would've been too awkward.

Also, I feel like I've gained
some breakup weight

and I don't want her to see me like this.

Hey. You gotta love yourself first, man.

Since you brought it up,
have you guys talked yet?

No. I mean, I want to, but...

- I can't.
- Hmm.

I need to get my life together first.
She wasn't wrong about that.

So, when I get back to LA,

assuming I ever get off
this stupid standby list,

I'm gonna break up the band
and get serious about my music.

My man's going Han Solo.

Nice.

First, I have to get over my fear
of performing alone.

When I first moved to LA,

I played acoustic solo gigs all the time,
but then...

one night I got on stage
and just panicked.

I... I got so sweaty,
the guitar slipped right out of my hands.

Oh, sad for you.

Wish I could have seen it.

I left the stage mid-song
and never performed alone again.

That's why I formed The Monkey Diplomats.

They're like my mediocre security blanket,
which was almost our band name.

Hey! Maybe you should just move in
with me and Sean

and be our permanent babysitter.

Fine. Pursue your dream.

- Hi.
- Hi. Come on in from the wind, yeah.

Hi.

Sorry, we're late.
Sean insisted on making eggies

using his secret recipe.

I thought the recipe was just bread, egg,
and cheese, but okay.

Bread, egg, and cheese.

Oh, Joy, I can't wait to see
the look on your taste buds.

That's so funny
because we brought pancakes.

We've been making them all day.

Every minute.
Not a second to do anything else.

Yeah. So much breakfast food.

Even though my Evite clearly stated
the theme was "an evening in Paris."

And God forbid anyone
do anything different

than the way Patsy Cake wants it.

No, Toddster Streudel.

I just don't like people springing things
on me at the very last second,

like some kind of improv comedy situation.

So, Dad's on a date.

First one since Mom.
Let's talk about that.

I bet he's not even letting Nancy
order for herself.

Probably going to the waiter
behind her back

and ordering what he thinks
she should have.

Aw, Em.

See, this is why she wants
to spend the night in our bed.

Uh-huh.

Oh, thanks for checking, Tonya.

Sorry for calling so much.

Just trying to get higher
on the old standby list.

And in case people get moved up
based on who deserves it the most,

I think I should...
Oh, you already hung up.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Wow.

Nancy, that restaurant was delici-osio.

You can tell a place is nice

when the Parmesan cheese
comes in a bowl, not a packet.

What can I get you?

Uh, coffee, please.

At night?

You're a wild man, Don Quinn.

You have no idea.

Actually, make that a decaf.

Uh, a glass of red for me.

You know...

I've got a lot going on
with my daughter Emmy right now,

and tonight has turned out
to be a delightful distraction.

Oh. I'm glad to be of service.

Well, at least I got
Don and Nancy together.

Yay, me.

- Russian leader, bad guy.
- Vladimir Putin.

- Girl singer, ponytail.
- Ariana Grande.

- Uh, UN leader, funny name.
- Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

- Huck Finn author.
- Mark Twain!

- That lady from the movie we saw.
- Meryl Streep!

Uh, time, time!

Fifteen.

Yeah!

Okay, that was terrifying.

We only got four right.

It must be nice to be on the same page
as a couple.

It's really all because of Matt.

He got up with the baby.
He's been a big help.

And he's a surprisingly good listener.

He's helping us paint the nursery.

I mean, not that we've decided on a color,
but, yeah, Matt is a really great guy.

Also kind of a jerk.

- Total jerk. Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

Okay. You guys don't have to do that.

I know, Matt's a great guy.
We're just different.

He's more go with the flow.
I like to be in charge.

Ugh, which is why this whole job thing
is so frustrating.

I hate that Dad is controlling my life.

Hey.

I get it.

It really is difficult when someone
is imposing their will on you.

But...

You know, maybe
you're looking at it wrong.

You know, maybe this is a chance for you
to stop letting your family

dictate how you live.

Maybe this is happening
because you need to take control

and be the strong father this baby needs.

Maybe Todd's right.

- Are you kidding me right now?
- I don't think so.

I think I know a way
I can take back control of all this.

I got to go.

Wait! Wait, you're coming back, right?

You're still staying at our house, right?

Mmm.

These eggies really are amazing, Sean.

- They really are.
- So good.

Well, I'm glad everyone likes 'em,
because, um...

I have an announcement to make.

I want to start making eggies
for a living.

Oh, no.

No, I got it all figured out.

I'm gonna buy a food truck,

and then start selling these suckers
at construction sites around Philly.

Those are my people.
And they're all gonna be begging for...

Eagles Eggies.

Sean. Where is this coming from?

From you. You told me
you wanted me to be happy.

And honestly,

until today, I never even considered
trying to find a job that could do that.

Thanks, Joy.

Stupid sleeping in.

Okay, let's get back on track

for our game night
and our evening in Paris.

No!

Paris is supposed to be
the City of Lights.

Sorry, folks. Damn wind.

So, what do you think?
Should we, uh, try somewhere else?

Or we could go back to my place.

I mean, not like,
"We could go back to my place."

Just regular, like,
"Let's go back to my place."

Let's go.

Bartender,

please add to my tab one warm Smirnoff Ice
I found in the closet.

Honestly,

delicious.

I guess karaoke night's canceled, huh?

Yep.

I'm probably gonna lose
a whole night's customers.

Uh, what if...

What if I played a song?

- You any good?
- No, man. I'm no good.

Psych. I'm great.

Okay, fine. I had two Smirnoff Ices.

Yeah, sure.

Hey. This guy's gonna play something.

Stay. Get drunk. Judge him.

Oh, I feel the knuckle sweat coming on.

Ah.

Here you go.

Mmm.

Sorry I don't have any wine.

Pepsi's great.

You okay?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

I... I'm just gonna turn her.

Okay.

Whoop, that feels weird.

I'm gonna just turn her back.

I'm sorry.

Is that Margaret?

Yeah.

Maybe we should just call it a night.

- No, no. It's okay, really. It's...
- No, really...

Don, I don't think you're ready.

I had a lovely evening.

Thank you.

How do you not have any candles
in this house, Pats?

I mean, weren't they like
your entire personality at one point?

With my pregnancy nose,
I had to throw everything away.

And not just candles.

Incense. Reed diffusers.

Lavender sachets
I kept with my unmentionables.

I, uh, found this old menorah.

It could just be for light, Pats.
It doesn't have to mean anything.

As long as the candles are unscented,
I'm okay with it.

Yeah, it's kind of late.

We should go, Kayla.

Or...

how about we have a sleepover here?

Yeah!

I mean, we're talkin' popcorn.

We're talkin' scary movies.

We're talkin' gossip!

Kayla, let's go home.

We need to talk.

Okay.

Oh, hey, guys. Listen.

Take the pancakes.

It really is beautiful.

It was my grandfather's.

Hanukkah was his favorite holiday, and...

even though I wasn't
the most religious guy,

I'd always spend it with him.

- I didn't know that.
- Yeah.

He left me this menorah
when he passed away.

It reminds me of him.

I think we're gonna figure
this religion thing out.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I mean, we're all just looking
for the same thing.

Some light in the darkness.

♪ I told my soul, "Don't change" ♪

♪ Because we don't know our ways ♪

♪ But tell me what to do now ♪

♪ Because I just wanna stay ♪

♪ Stay a phone away for now ♪

♪ I told myself, "Don't let her down" ♪

♪ But all I know is that I won't wait ♪

♪ Just to say ♪

♪ Please don't ever change ♪

♪ And stay the same ♪

♪ Please don't ever change ♪

♪ And stay the same ♪

Hello?

Oh, hey.

I'm glad to hear from you.

I'm glad I called.

I really hope we can work this out.