Merry Happy Whatever (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - 'Twas the Night Before the 4th Night of Hanukkah - full transcript

Sean, go put on one of my ties.

We're going to midnight mass,
not a tractor auction.

It's funny, I didn't want to wear a tie,
but Joy said I should.

Now you're saying I should.

I guess that makes you the tiebreaker.

I'll go put on a tie.

I want to remind everybody
we are leaving at 11:15 sharp.

We don't want to be late

because all the good seats
will be taken by the...

Easter and Christmas Catholics.

Go to church twice a year,
think they get all the God.



Why aren't the boys
dressed for church yet?

Oh!

That's why.

If I wait until just before we leave,

we have a shot at them
not looking like chimney sweeps.

Hey! Hey, hey! Are you pre or post shower?

Pre! Sorry, pre!

Don't worry. I packed a coat and tie.

Nobody's gonna notice with your face
looking like a barber shop floor.

Kay.

Honey, do you want to go
and put on something a little less, uh...

sweatpantsy?

What's the point of getting dressed up?

I'm just gonna end up alone anyway.



Oh, come on.

You're gonna want to have Jesus
on your side.

It couldn't hurt to look nice for him
on his birthday.

Okay.

Forty-seven minutes and counting, people.

Let's go.

Don't make me make that face.

Oh, nobody's here.

I am so excited
to tell everybody.

Me too. Oh!

Maybe I'll even get an actual hug
from your dad.

He only ever gives me that cold side hug.

But tonight, I'm getting
some of that real thing.

It's just...

I've been picturing this moment
my entire life.

I have this whole amazing plan
for how we're gonna tell everyone.

You just follow my lead, Hot Toddy.

Always do, Patsy Melt.

I'm pregnant!

Whoa! Sweetheart! Wonderful!

Oh! That is so wonderful!

- I know!
- I hate everything right now,

but I'm momentarily so happy for you!

Hey, Poppy Don, coming in.

- Hey!
- Whoa.

Way to go, Todd!

Thank you, sir. Okay.

I think I'm gonna start taking
pregnancy tests every morning.

Just to, you know,
start my day with a positive.

If you need a godmother, I'm available.

And way more responsible than Kayla.

Let's celebrate!

Oh! And what better place to celebrate
than at church?

The birth of baby Jesus,

and the birth of Patsy's baby.

Actually, in our case,
we'd be celebrating the conception.

You're hard to root for, Todd.

Oh.

- Sorry, it's a little cramped in here.
- Oh.

It's ho-ho-ho-okay.

Get it? 'Cause I look like Santa.

Minus the belly.

Although those eggies every morning
aren't helping.

Speaking of bellies,
I'm so excited for Patsy.

Yeah.

Kids seem fun.

Can't wait to be the cool young dad
at the playground.

"Race you to the swing, Jagger."

That's a fun name.

But you wouldn't want
to have kids too soon

'cause you want to be ready, right?

Like, with responsibility,
and money, and stuff.

Totally.

But people have babies all the time
and figure it out as they go.

Totally.

It's also raising a child,
not backpacking through Europe.

Okay.

You know what? I'm just gonna...

I'm gonna finish this in my room.
It's fine.

- You sure?
- Totally.

I knew we should have stayed
at a ho-ho-hotel.

Hey, Emmy.

Emmy?

Aah! Oh!

It's just me.

Hey, love the quick draw though. Hmm.

Just wanted to give you this offer letter
Ted Boseman dropped off earlier.

He said he's looking forward
to your response.

Quite an offer.

Dad, just stay out of it, okay?

Okay. All right.
There's no need to fire up the hairdryer.

Actually, uh, could I ask you
about something else?

Yeah.

Uh, I texted Nancy earlier,

and she hasn't responded yet.

Well, what did you write?

Well, I wanted to know
if she liked the space heater I got her.

So I texted, "How are your feet?

Are they hot?"

Oh, Dad.

Those dots appeared
like she was gonna answer,

and then they just went away.

Does that mean I lost service?

No. It means your text
might have come off a little super creepy.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I miss letters.

Congratulations, Todd.

You're gonna be the best dad.

I know you're making fun of me,
but I don't know how.

No, I really mean it.

Oh.

All right, don't make me take it back.

Look at me.

I'm a fancy lady!

- Is that Matt's ring?
- Where did you get this?

Matt said I could play with his guitar
and I found it in the case.

Don't tell anyone you saw this.
Are you hearing me?

Tell me what I'm saying
went into your bouncy house of a brain.

- It went in.
- Okay.

Still don't see a coat and tie, rock star.

Thanks for calling me rock star.

I know it was sarcastic.

Matt, will you do me the honor
of being my bride?

- How do you... Why do you have this?
- Donny found it.

You should probably find
a better hiding place.

Ooh, do you want me to hang on to it?

I love being involved in things.

Actually, can we do
a quick Outlaw meeting outside?

Yes, Outlaws.

Name's catching on.

Here's the thing.

I'm not sure about asking Emmy
to marry me tomorrow.

I mean, I love her. So much.

But these past few days,
a lot of stuff has come up.

Like how much hotter she is than you?

What? No. We're both nines.

She's a nine. You're a soft seven.

Keep going, I can't feel my face.

The point is,

with everything going on,
maybe tomorrow isn't the right time.

That's what I told you on day one.
Timing is everything.

Take it from someone who chose
the most stressful time of the year

to quit smoking.

Oh, yeah. How's that going?

Earlier, I licked one.

Good God.

Yeah, it's a wild ride.

Uh, look. I actually disagree
about the proposal.

I think Matt should go for it.

You know, when Patsy and I got married,

we waited to have a baby
so the "timing would be perfect."

And then, when we did try,
it took forever.

So why wait, man?
You know you love her.

So, you're giving me opposite advice?

That's not how the Outlaws
are supposed to work.

He's right, Todd.

Tell him you agree with me.

I'm sorry, amigo.

I feel what I feel.

And I speak my truth.

I can't believe I let you hug me.

I knew it. This outfit sucks.

What? Oh.

No. It's just...

Matt and I...

We've been really off
the past couple of days.

Like disagreeing about money,
and the future, and now kids.

I know a part of it
is just the stress of the holidays,

but it also feels...

a little bigger than that.

It's like...

I hate my clothes.

You know, they make me look so...

married.

Oh, we're back to your thing. Okay.

I'm sorry.

I... I don't mean to be so...

It's just...

Can I tell you something?

Of course.

Anything.

Well, the thing is...

I'm...

in need of a break-up makeover.

A break-over.

You know?

Cute clothes. Fresh nails.

Ooh, I like it.

Maybe a cute haircut.

You'll be like a brand-new Kayla.

Yes.

I should look like a brand-new Kayla
because I feel like a brand-new Kayla.

Ooh, you should
cut my hair right now.

- Oh.
- Brand-new Kayla! Brand-new Kayla!

T-minus 29 minutes, people.
Let's go! We got a date with a priest!

That came out bad.

And then, this morning,

I threw up.

Oh, but it felt great.
It was just like I was vomiting glitter.

Okay, you go find the good scissors.

I'll go get the stool so I can sit
in front of the mirror.

Hey, are you sure you want to do this?

Last time I cut your hair
was in high school,

and back then, you weren't quite so...

opinionated.

Oh.

- Oh.
- Sorry.

My bad.

Right after mass,
I'm gonna grab Father McKee.

I'm gonna make sure
we get a solo baptism spot.

You remember that baby
that they paired Donny with?

Head like a peanut.

- Very distracting.
- Yeah.

Actually, uh,
we haven't talked about the baptism,

so maybe let's hold off on that.

This is us talking about it, Todd.

You see how our mouths
are moving up and down?

Of course. It's just religious traditions
are important, and I don't wanna...

you know, rush into anything.

Like, I was thinking
maybe I'd want to include some...

Jewish traditions in the baby's life.

We already have
religious traditions in this family.

Catholic traditions...

that you've never had
a problem with before.

So let's all just take a quick breath.

Uh, Daddy, your neck is doing
that throbbing thing.

- Um, and sweetheart, uh...
- Yeah.

Maybe not the best time

to bring this up
without talking to me first, you know?

In front of my dad and whole family,
and my dad.

I-I... I'm sorry.

It's just, when I found out
we were having a baby, I had this...

overwhelming feeling
that I needed to embrace my heritage.

Well, you can embrace your heritage
all you want,

but that baby
is inside my Catholic daughter, so...

we got dibs.

It's not exactly a dibs situation.

Says the guy who doesn't have dibs.

Hey, guys...

Uh, nothing. Keep going.

I was actually thinking that we could
raise our child with both traditions.

And then, when he or she is mature enough,

we can let him or her decide.

- Let the child decide what to think?
- Yeah.

That's the dumbest thing you ever said.

Oh! I felt the baby kick.

I didn't. It's the size of a lentil.

See? This is the problem with religion.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, thank God.

Wars have been fought
just because one group's beliefs

are a little different from another's.

You guys are arguing about things
that there's no real answers for.

- And that's why I'm an atheist.
- Oh.

Should I head to church to save seats?

You've really given me
a lot to think about, kiddo.

Why don't you and your brother
go watch some boob tube?

Boob tube means TV,
not some weird internet thing.

Atheist?

Atheist?!

Where did he learn nonsense like that?

Not from us.

Probably some punk kid
in the locker room at school.

"Hey, what's all that baloney about God?"

Look, I don't know
where the atheist thing came from,

but I'm glad we raised Sean Jr.
to think for himself.

Well, now he's flirting
with eternal damnation,

so good job!

This is what happens when you let
your kids play Dungeons & Dragons

instead of football.

Okay, Dad, enough.

Sean Jr. is a great kid.

And if you have a problem
with how we raised him,

maybe you should ask how you raised
a son who raised a son who's an atheist.

- Did that make sense?
- So much.

Well, great.

Great.

Christmas Eve.

My family's turning on everything
your mom and I taught you to believe in.

Hey, let's just let him cool down
for a second.

I think the best thing we can do
is all be ready to go to mass together.

So...

haircut time.

Let's go.

Ooh.

Whoa.

That was uncomfortable.

I am sick of walking on eggshells
around Don.

Who is he to tell anyone what to think?

You know what?

You should ask Emmy to marry you tomorrow.

But earlier, you said to wait.
Are you just trying to make Don mad?

No. You and Emmy are great.

And you're gonna work things out.

And it'll make Don come unhinged.

Are you guys having
an Outlaws meeting without me?

You can't kick me out.

I'm a founding member.

- Now Joy says I should ask Emmy tomorrow.
- No, now I think you should wait.

All right? Timing is everything.
I just started a holy war in there.

- Just ask her. Do it.
- No, don't.

Great! Now you're giving me
opposite opposite advice.

I don't know what to do.

I wish the universe
would give me some sort of sign.

That's not how it works, Baby Duck.

Look!

Two doves.

They mate for life.

That's a sign!

Those are pigeons.

It still counts.

All right, Guitar Hero,
time to get dressed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He just played "Here Comes the Bride."

Another sign.

Yeah, I heard something too.

The sound of a man cracking under
the pressure of a Quinn family Christmas.

Okay, listen up.

We're getting you
in your good clothes now.

You are not to eat, or drink, or have fun.

You are to stand in the middle of the room
like a statue.

I hate statue time!

Hey there, soon-to-be mama.

Look, uh...

I just wanted to apologize
for springing that whole...

Jewish thing on you like I did.

Oh, it's fine.

I am on such a high right now.
Nothing can bring me down.

Okay.

But at some point, I will come down,
and then, oh...

who knows how I'll react.

God, I thought Dad's head
was gonna split open.

Yeah.

And then, like, a smaller Dad
would pop out and just keep yelling.

But enough about his head,
let's focus on mine. Snip, snip.

Don't get snippy with me.

Okay, um...

Can you check Matt's Dopp kit
and see if there's a comb in there?

Wow, he has a lot of ChapStick for a dude.

Emmy, have you seen my tie?

Oh, yes. It's in my bedroom
hanging with your blazer.

If you want me to tie the knot,
I'm happy to.

Another sign.

So...

Random question.

Did you ever have doubts
about you and Alan?

Like, when you guys
first started going out?

Oh, I had so many doubts,
it just bled into one long monster doubt.

"Kayla, he will never satisfy you."

Man, lately I've been
having doubts about me and Matt.

I mean, I love him,

but sometimes I just wonder
if we're on the same page, and...

Would you stop snooping through his stuff?

Hey, if the TSA can do it, so can I.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Guys, all the signs are telling me
to propose tomorrow.

- I know it's silly, but...
- Do you, though?

Yeah, putting my own opinion
aside for a moment,

which I never do, so you're welcome.

Are you sure you want to base
the biggest decision of your life

on, like, birds and crap?

The truth is, I'm probably just seeing
the signs I want to see,

because, deep down,
I know what I want to do.

I'm definitely gonna ask Emmy
to marry me tomorrow morning.

What's that?

It's an offer from that guy Ted.

For Emmy to take a job here in Philly.

She said the meeting meant nothing.
Why...

Why would she keep this from me?

It's just an offer, Matt. It doesn't mean
she's actually considering it.

Or maybe she is.

Or maybe she isn't.

Well, the fact
that I don't know for sure and...

she didn't say anything about it...

I can't propose to her tomorrow.

I mean,
I've been looking for signs, but...

this is reality.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Matt's gonna ask me to marry him.

Oh, my... And there's Christmas ribbon.

Oh, he's gonna do it tomorrow.

Now I get why he's been so nervous
and trying to get on Dad's good side.

Okay, speaking of good sides...

Is it better like this...

or like this?

Oh, God, they both look terrible!

Okay. Emmy!

Like this?

Or this?

Okay, fine. You have 30 seconds to look
at that ring, and then I need you back.

We are in crisis mode over here!

Seeing this...

I know Matt's the guy
I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I mean, sure, we've got some stuff
we need to deal with...

Fifteen seconds.

Every couple does.

But we're gonna work it out.

Together.

So how does it look?

It's beautiful.

I can't stop staring at it.

Right?

Did I just turn your disaster

into the thing everyone will be
talking about this Christmas?

Thank you for wearing a tie. Thank you.

Okay. All right. We should be good.

- Not gonna wear a coat?
- No, I'm good.

Whoa. Your head get caught
in a weed wacker?

It looks... It looks really...
Yeah, it looks really good.

Mm-hmm.

I know.

Okay, Don, we're ready!

Hurry! Statue time doesn't last forever.

Dad.

His car's gone.

He already left.

All he wanted was
for us to go to church together.

So... do we still have to go?

I'm sorry.

Pregnant lady coming through.

Dad, I'm so sorry we were running late.

- We'll work out this Sean Jr. thing, Dad.
- Todd didn't mean to upset you.

What do you think of my new hair?
I love it.

Okay, look, look.

You... You guys, you threw a lot at me
today, but it's-it's...

possible that I...

overreacted.

A little. But...

It was so much easier
when your mom was around, you know?

She'd say, "Calm down, Don.
Go have a Pepsi."

But... the important thing is...

we're all here together.

- Of course, Daddy.
- Amen to that.

- Love you.
- Merry Christmas, Pops.

Let me just say...

Shh. Mass is starting.

Yes!

S-Sorry. Uh...

Just excited about Christmas...

And baby Jesus.

And... Oh!

My daughter and my son-in-law
are having a baby, too.

Sorry.

Thank you.

Carry on.

Hey.

It's officially Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

I think it's gonna be a good one.

Me too.