Merry Happy Whatever (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Happy Mall-idays - full transcript

It won't be easy.

We will be tested.

But Quinns...

don't quit.

And if we stick to the plan,

we can be out of that God-forsaken place
in under two hours.

So gear up.

We're headed to the mall.

All right, let's go.

And remember to use the bathroom
before we go,

because your mom always said,



"A mall bathroom
is where dignity goes to die."

Okay, what the heck is happening?

Dad hates the mall.

- And two days before Christmas?
- I know!

Crowds of shoppers wandering around

with no respect
for an organized traffic flow.

That is his nightmare.

Earlier today, he told me
he wanted to browse.

I mean, what's next? Trying things on?

Matt, can you play me something?

Oh, yeah. Make up a song
like you do at home sometimes.

He's great at this.

I don't know about great.

Pretty darn good.



I mean, you said great, so...

Why are you wearing heels to the mall?

No reason.

I just miss the days
when people got dressed up to go shopping

and also minded their own business.

Oh, nice!

Don't show me up.

All right, let's move out.

And remember,

no Quinn left behind.

Hmm. Jeez. No Quinn left behind.
What happens if you're not a Quinn?

Yeah, one time they forgot me
in Atlantic City.

I had to take a series of buses home.

Ooh. Actually, uh, could I get
a sleeve for my coffee?

I don't need one, thanks.
I have adult male hands.

Actually, I'll use my, uh,
male hands, too.

This place...

is my nightmare.

Sean, you're with me.

Man, I spent so much time
working here in high school.

Pottery Barn. Coat Barn. Burger Barn.

Barns were big back then.

Our dad made us all get jobs
when we turned 16.

I sold patio furniture.

Huh.

Yeah, my dad had me doing
all sorts of jobs.

I had to make my bed.
Unload the dishwasher.

Refill the Brita.

That's chores, dumb-dumb.

You never had an actual job as a kid?

What? No.
Since my parents were divorced,

neither one wanted me
giving up time with them for a job.

It must've been nice.

Mm-hmm, yeah. Divorce is great.
You know?

Having to be shuttled back and forth
between two houses.

Having to have two birthdays,
two Christmases.

Actually, that was pretty sweet.

What was my point?

Okay. I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

Don't tell Dad.

But seriously, don't.

Oh.

Is she why you're all dolled up?

Dolled up?

That is such an antiquated sexist term.

Do I look hot?

Oh...

Extra hot. Like this coffee.

I am in agony.

Her name's Kristen.

I noticed her name tag today.

And the dozens of other times
I bought coffee from her.

Anyway, after you and I talked yesterday,
I started thinking, you know,

maybe I should go...

see what's what.

Wow. You're jumping in fast.

But yeah, cool. Go for it.

I am. I already was before you said that.

Go.

Oh, we've been stuck here forever!

I'm aware. The mall's very crowded today,
and I can't find a parking space.

Well, everyone liked it
when Matt made up a song.

Mom, can we go to Cinnabon?

Ooh, can I get a Frappuccino?

Gosh. Now that you're asking me
for the tenth time,

I guess the answer's yes.

That means no.

Todd, Margie probably spit
her pacifier out.

Can you find it
and stick it back in her mouth?

Sure you want it back in her mouth?
I think it landed on something furry.

Oh, God! It's food!

Oh!

This is what I get for putting off
getting a picture of the baby with Santa.

Now the line's gonna be super long
and filled with other bad parents,

and why won't this idiot just go?

Oh!

Everybody out.

- Do you want me to stay with you?
- Is that what "everybody out" means?

Okay.

What about this Star Destroyer for Donny?

It's kind of pricey, don't you think?

But he's your nephew, and it's Christmas.

And maybe he'll let me build it with him.

- Come on. You can afford it.
- No.

I know, my job pays well.
Doesn't mean I can go nuts.

It's one thing. You're not going nuts.

"Nuts" would be getting
that $500 Death Star,

which, if you really want
to win Christmas...

Well, it's not just one thing.

Like, you're a little quick
to spend our money at home, too.

Which, considering your childhood,
makes sense.

Well, I'm sorry my parents didn't make me
pick turnips when I was five.

Plus, I chip in everything I make
giving guitar lessons.

And I appreciate it.

I'm... I'm just saying, like,

you always want to do take-out
instead of just making dinner.

'Cause we can't cook.

- Yeah.
- Remember the salmon, Emmy?

It's not just that.

Like, you're always going out to clubs,
and that adds up.

Getting drinks with managers
is how I network for my band.

And I have to keep up with them,
and they are all alcoholics.

I'm sorry.

Just...

It's crazy in here, and the mall bathroom
really bummed me out.

I'll get the Space Destroyer for Donny.

Star Destroyer. Why would you want
to destroy space?

Why would you want to do any of it?

Just so you know, I'm only short on cash

because I spent all my savings
on a, uh, engagement ring for her.

Lucky girl.

Thanks.

Oh, you were kidding.

Hi-dee-ho there.

I mean, just hi.

Hi.

Hello.

How can I help you, Kayla?

You know my name?

I wrote it on your cup ten minutes ago.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah. There it is.

It's... It's great handwriting.

I give you an A in penmanship.

I doff my cap.

So...

did you want anything?

No. No, I'm just curious about you...

your job.

Your job.

How do you like it?

It's crazy with the holidays.

But I just broke up with my girlfriend,
so being busy helps keep my mind off it.

Oh, no.
I just split up with my... partner.

Look at us.
We're break-up besties.

Hey, look.

You don't need to be shy.
It's pretty obvious why you're here.

It is?

The nice outfit. Asking about my work.

Here's a job application.

Fill it out,
and then we'll do an interview.

Thanks so much!

So, what are we thinking?

I don't know what we are thinking,

but I am thinking, "Don't rush me, Sean."

I'm...

looking for a gift.

For a colleague.

Personalized key chain. Boom.

What's his name?

Nancy.

Oh.

The Nancy you watched the game
with yesterday?

Mm-hmm.

- Cool.
- Hmm.

- Nice.
- Hmm.

- Okay.
- Hmm.

Oh, sorry, just, uh...

checking the weather.

Still super cold.

Brr!

Oh, dear.

Okay,

AAA is on the way to fix the tire.

I'm so sorry.

I'm not usually a honker,
but parking's insane.

I just quit smoking.
Todd was having a tantrum over a pacifier.

Is this Todd?

No. Todd's my full-grown brother-in-law.

He's a lot, and the baby's a lot,
and the holidays are a lot.

- And...
- Oh, it's fine. You're fine.

Take a breath, dear.

Okay.

You are doing the best that you can.

And guess what? Your best is good enough.

Butterscotch?

Yes, please.

I can't believe I'm being forced
to save Joy a spot in a Santa line.

I'm Jewish, I shouldn't have to do this.
It's one of the perks.

How can you be in a bad mood?

I mean, can't you just feel
the holiday spirit in the air?

That's not holiday spirit. That's plague.

He's kidding. Merry Christmas.

Actually, I hope I'm not getting sick.

Are you hot? I'm burning up.

I'm sorry.

Are you the dentist
from those adorable bench ads?

"I guaranteeth it."

Wow.

Yes.

Yes, I am.

Doctor Todd, DDS.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Wow.

Yeah. Yeah.

Can you check my gums?
They're super inflamed.

I'm a celebrity.

Is there any place in this mall
that doesn't smell like Yankee Candle?

Oh, no.

Oh, God. It's Julia Stayman-Fife.

She talked me into mini-bangs
in high school. Made my life a living...

- Hi!
- Emmy Quinn!

- Julia!
- Oh!

Oh! Merry Christmas.

How have you been?

So blessed.
I have my own therapy practice.

My husband Hunter is an attorney,

and he proposed in Rome

and it was bellissima.

We got married two years ago,

and then nine months
and just two pushes later...

boop!

We are just so, so blessed.

So, how about you?

- Uh, Matt and I are also so, so blessed.
- Aww.

I'm a senior project manager
at Pricewaterhouse in LA.

La La Land?

Fun!

And what about you, Matt?

I'm in a band.

A super successful band.
Yeah. The Monkey Diplomats.

Ever heard of them? No?

That's so weird,
because they're huge in LA.

They're on the verge
of signing a record deal.

Lots of fans. Screaming girls.
Kind of a Beatlemania situation.

Whoa!

Emmy Quinn, dating a rock star.

Yep. It almost doesn't seem real.

I miss RadioShack.

Dad, we've been to half the mall already.
My thighs are chafed.

I need this gift to be good.

How do you pick out a gift for Joy?

I just have her write down a list
of five things she wants

and I pick three.

The surprise for her
is which two she doesn't get.

That doesn't sound very romantic.

Wait. This gift for Nancy
is supposed to be...

Let's just keep moving, okay?

- Hey.
- Get off your phone.

Hey, guys.

Pats, you okay?

I don't know. I'm super hot.

Sort of feels like
I'm standing under a heater.

That's perfect.

Thanks, Pats.

You're welcome?

By the way, Sean,

we've been standing in line
for Joy and Margie,

AKA your wife and child.

Hurry up, lazy!

You want to switch?

You have a lovely day.

Isn't it possible I'm...
I'm feeling like this

because I'm not okay with my dad dating?

It's the first time he's been interested
in someone since your mom died.

It's normal to feel a little, you know,
freaked out by that.

Oh, God.

- Why don't we get you some air?
- What? No.

We can't leave this line.

Quinns don't quit.

Pardon me. It's Dr. Todd again.

- Hi.
- Hey, Dr. Todd.

Would you mind saving our spot
while I take my wife to get some air?

It would really help me out.

I guaranteeth it.

Using your bus bench fame
to try to manipulate us regular folk

is really not cool.

And you have gingivitis.

I didn't know she could sleep
for more than two minutes at a time.

Do me next.

You know, one day
you're going to miss all this.

Your kids will move off
into their own lives

and start their own families.

And you're going to look back on this time
and realize just how special it was.

That's exactly what I needed to hear
right now.

Carol, you're like my guardian angel.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Well, I'm so glad we met.
I just hate that it happened like this.

Oh, now don't you go feeling guilty.
It was all my fault.

I'll bet you're a much better driver
than most orientals.

Wait, what?

It just isn't your people's strong suit.

But you have math.

Damn it, Carol,
I thought we had something.

I mean, I like it, but...

is gold too flashy?

I don't want to overdo it.

It's a space heater, Dad.

I don't think you can overdo it.

Maybe go with something normal, like...

chocolate or flowers.

Or again, you can't go wrong
with a personalized key chain.

Nope.

It's the perfect gift.

It's got the energy saver

and a retractable cord.

She's a beaut.

Hey, is it crazy to get
the Caramel Pecan Bons and the BonBites?

Oh, and also, are you embarrassed of me?

What?

No, of course not.

Okay, because, you know,
in the span of one mall visit

you basically said
I don't have enough money or success.

I compared you to The Beatles.

Okay.

Um...

I guess...

sometimes I worry
about our financial stability

and the future.

Well, so do I.

Well, not as much as I do.

Well, you got that right.

Well, one of us has to.

I insist.

Hi. Can we have, uh,
two classic CinnaCombos, please?

Yeah.

Hmm?

Hmm.

"Declined."

Yeah.

Cool timing, universe.

So, yeah, it can be tiring,

but you get to spell
rude people's names wrong on their cups.

They get so mad.

So, uh, tell me about your experience.

Oh. Oh, um...

I don't really have much per se.

- Okay.
- Um...

I mean, I kissed a girl in a play once,
but I never really had...

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, work experience.

That makes more sense. Um...

Uh...

I'm... I'm in commercial real estate.

Then why are you applying to be a barista?

Look.

I'm not here for a job.

I, um...

I...

find you...

muy interesante.

Oh!

Wow.

Um...

I'm very flattered.

Okay.

But to be honest, you're not my type.

Fun and beautiful? Okay.

But thank you for your interest...

in me and Peet's Coffee.

Happy holidays.

You too!

Bye now. Love you.

Oh, my God.

Hey, guys.

Is Pats okay?

- I'm okay.
- She says she's okay.

She somehow looks pale and flushed
at the same time.

- I'm fine.
- She says she's fine.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey.

So how'd it go with the barista?

Well, I need to find a new mall,
so that's cool.

She, uh...

She said I wasn't her type.

Fun and beautiful?

I know, right?

Hey.

Um...

I'm sorry about...

Today was weird.

I'm sorry too.

Are we okay?

'Cause it felt like there was
some real stuff coming out

today and, you know,
when we were caroling too.

No, I know. But I think it's just, like,
the stress of the holidays

and being around my family all the time.

Hey, can we sneak out tonight?

You know, grab a drink.
Just the two of us.

We can't.

Tonight we wrap gifts.

Then we watch It's a Wonderful Life.

Then my dad has to leave early
so he can pretend he's not crying.

Well, we tried.
I'm gonna go use the little boys' room.

- Don't tell your dad I called it that.
- No.

Pats! Todd!

Oh.

Thanks so much. I appreciate it.

I appreciate all of you.

I should say that more often.

Or maybe I shouldn't. I don't know.
Damn it, Carol.

Okay, mission accomplished. Let's go!

Why is everybody looking at me

like it's the end
of It's a Wonderful Life?

I, uh...

I might have told them about Nancy.

So you've been gossiping about me
like a bunch of biddies in a beauty shop?

What's the general consensus?

It's so good, Dad.

We're so happy for you, Dad.
I think it's great.

I just... I-I didn't...

want you to feel...

Your mom...

I-I still...

- Dad, we want you to be happy.
- ...feel...

So if Nancy makes you happy,
then you have to go for it.

'Cause Quinns don't quit.

But can we talk about the space heater?

Not good, Dad.

Yeah, no. It's... It's bad.

Your mom...

always said that...

the key to being in a good relationship
is being a good listener,

and Nancy mentioned that...

her feet get cold at the nurse's desk.

So, I just thought that I'd...

like to try to...

keep her warm.

Aww.

- Look at this guy!
- That's so sweet, Dad.

All right. Okay.

Pull yourselves together, all right?
Come on.

Let's get out of here. Come on.

- Yes.
- Let's get you home, huh?

- Yeah.
- Oh! Or maybe to a doctor.

I didn't quit.

- No, you didn't, sweetie.
- Yeah.

Come on. Let's go.

I'm gonna have to take
a series of buses home, aren't I?

Not if you run.

Oh.

Hello... Bryan.

Don Quinn.

We met watching the Eagles.

- I'm just messing with you, Don.
- Oh.

That was good.

Is your mom home?

Oh, shoot. No, you just missed her.

Oh.

Would it be okay if I left this for her?

Well, of course.
I'll make sure she gets it.

Great.

Merry Christmas.

You too, Don.

Good night.

See you.

I can't wait to tell everyone.

Let's do it tomorrow before midnight mass.

Okay.

For now, I...

I just want this for us.