Merry Happy Whatever (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Interference - full transcript

E-A-G-L-E-S, Eagles!

Cacaw!

He's a very loud person.

Aw, I think it's sweet.
He got dressed up for the game today.

You think your dad will like my jersey?

If you take the tags off, sports fan.

So, where is your dad?

Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Dibs on filling Matt in.

I'll do it. Okay.

Um, so, per Quinn tradition,
we always decorate the tree

while watching the Eagles game
the Sunday before Christmas.



Unless Christmas falls
on a Monday or Tuesday.

Then we do it the Sunday
before the Sunday before, obvi.

I just learned that.

Short for "obviously."

Obvi.

- [Matt chuckles]
- Anyway...

all the men went to go get the tree.

Oh. Well... not all the men. [chuckles]

All the real men.

- Aw, you're my real man.
- Oh.

[both chuckle]

Make way, ladies.

You fellas really felled a good one.
[chuckles]

Wow. So they actually go out
and chop it down themselves?



No, they just buy one from the tree lot
behind the abandoned Blockbuster.

They have a train ride.

I was too tall.

All right, let's watch some football!

Yay.

Yeah.

- [grunts]
- [turns TV on]

Get ready, baby duck, today's a wild ride.

Well, if I'm gonna get Don's blessing,
I need to start scoring points with him.

You know? Just like our boys in...

green.

This family takes the Eagles
very seriously.

Last week, Sean bit open a pillow.

And even though I spent yesterday
putting up our Christmas tree,

today I get to decorate Don's tree,

because I have ovaries.

Now, see, normally
we'd try to sneak off to Otto's.

But this year,

I want them to finally see me
as one of the football bros.

Lot of yapping going on back there
during the pre-game.

Yep.

[groans]

Are... Are you getting cell reception?

'Cause I'm only getting three bars.
I'm paying for four.

You waiting for a call, Pop?

No.

I-I don't know,
I just left a message for someone,

and I'm hoping she calls back.

It's a... work thing.

Thing from work.

Now I'm only getting two bars.

Give me an old-fashioned landline any day.
Am I right? [chuckles]

Cell phones save lives, Todd.

I love untangling Christmas lights.

It's like solving a holiday mystery.

[shouting]

Hey, Donny, no more sugar.

Fine.

Grinch.

All I want for Christmas
is for Christmas break to be over.

So...

I know it's been a tense couple of days...

- Yeah.
- ...but I have an idea.

We stay at a hotel
for the rest of the trip? [laughs]

I'm just kidding, you know?
Unless... What do you think?

Okay.

Would you believe I've never...

in my childhood bedroom?

Oh.

Well, based off that eyebrow waggle

and the headgear you're sporting
in most of the family photos,

yeah.

Well, today I think we should.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Really?
- Mm-hmm.

[chuckles] Shouldn't we wait till tonight
when everyone's sleeping?

Oh, no. Trust me, my family
will be focused on the game and the tree.

After the first quarter,

I'll go take out the trash.
Then I'll sneak into my bedroom.

- You wait for five minutes.
- Yeah.

And then join me.

Oh.

Taking out the trash. So dirty. [chuckles]

[Emmy chuckles]

But you are gonna wash your hands
when you come back in, right?

[cheering]

Nice catch!

[Don and Sean] E-A-G-L-E-S!

Eagles!

Wha, ah, oh, oh.

Ohh!

- [crunching]
- [both growl]

Wow! [chuckles]

We've been doing the Big Eagle
Slap 'n' Snack ever since...

You were in the fifth grade?

One year, I had a broken arm.

- [Don laughs]
- We made it work.

Yeah. So good.

- I... I... I love that.
- [Don cheers]

I wish my family had more traditions
like that growing up.

As a child of divorce, sometimes...

Game's back on.

- Field goal, baby!
- Field goal.

- Yeah.
- Twenty yards! He'll definitely make this!

You don't jinx the kicker.

[sports announcer] Ooh!

Ooh, and the kick goes wide.

Yeah, thanks, Matt.

[Todd chuckles]

I'm sorry, man.
I'm just trying to survive.

- Oh, your friend's somewhere warm, huh?
- [gasps, exhales]

Don't sneak up on me like that.

And is your breath, like,
ten degrees hotter than normal breath?

No.

She's not my friend, by the way.

She is my husband's assistant, Vanessa.

They're inseparable.

Oh.

Are they...

You know...

Please get what I'm saying.
I can't go back in there.

Wait. Alan and Vanessa?

Oh, God, no.

Okay, first off, he's like...

And she's like...

And second, she's gay.

I was just admiring her swimsuit.

Stop looking at it, you perv.

Oh!

Look.

Time to take out the trash.

Why can't anyone walk into this kitchen
like a normal human being?

Okay.

- Siri...
- [phone beeps]

Set timer for five minutes.

[phone beeps]

- Also, what is normal breath temperature?
- [phone beeps]

[flicking lighter]

[Joy] Oh.

[spits]

Sup.

- Were you just...
- No.

- 'Cause it kind of...
- Well, I wasn't.

Fine.

I used to smoke,
but I quit a long time ago. It's just...

Sean lost his job,
and Sean Jr.'s an atheist,

and the holidays
are just sort of frickin' rough.

And I kind of un-quit.

Oh, Joy.

See?

That right there, that's why I was hiding.

If your dad knew I smoked,
Mr. Doesn't Do Anything Bad,

I'd never hear the end of it.

I'd rank below Todd.

Todd!

No. Hey, I-I get it.
I had three cigarettes in college...

Well, technically, it was three puffs
of one cigarette...

Stop saying the word cigarette.
My lungs are watering.

I know I need to quit.

[exhales] Help me?

Of course.

Anything you need.

[sighs]

You hold on to these.

I had three today, so give me two tomorrow
and a final one on the day after that.

Thanks, Emmy.

I'll see you in there.

I'm not going to let you smoke
the one in the bush.

Damn it.

- Oh! Run, you idiot! Run!
- [Don yells]

[groans]

You want some help, Aunt Patsy?

Oh. I'd love some, Seanosaurus. [chuckles]
But don't you want to watch the game?

I'm not into the sexist idea

that men watch football
while women are forced to decorate.

But... [chuckles] I'm not being forced.

I mean, yeah, sure, if I didn't do it,

you know, nobody else would,
and it's a lot of work.

And I never get any credit, you know...

My dad puts the star on top
and everyone applauds for him.

[laughing] But it's fine. I love it.

New topic: favorite reindeer. Go!

[phone chimes]

Oh! Where's my phone?

- [phone chimes]
- Hey. Why can't I answer this thing?

Where's... Where's the slide bar thingy?

Uh, actually, that's my phone, sir.

- Yeah.
- [phone chimes]

And it's... it's not ringing.
It's... It's an alarm.

- Sorry.
- [phone chimes]

Why do you have an alarm set for now?

As a reminder.

To...

take a pill. My pill, that I brought.

For...

my colon.

- Well, go take your pill.
- Yup.

Hey, look!

It's not weird

I was looking
at my soon-to-be ex-husband's

- hot gay executive assistant, okay?
- Yeah.

I mean, the female body is beautiful,

and it's not a big deal
if I take a moment to appreciate it.

Yeah, totally. I'm with you.

Throughout history,

the female form has been an inspiration
to artists and poets.

Whereas, the male form is...

eugh.

What? No, this jersey...

They didn't have my size.

Don't even... Take Botticelli, for example.

His painting, The Birth of Venus.

Have you seen it?

Tell me about it, stud.

[knocking]

Mm.

Come in.

[spits]

Hi.

Aunt Patsy said to get your caboose
back out to help with the tree.

Okay. Uh...

Oh.

This is so whatever,
but did you see what I was just doing?

Yeah, and you should stop,
or your lungs will turn black

and you'll have to speak
through a hole in your neck.

Tell you what.

I will get rid of those nasty things.

And if you make this our little secret,

Aunt Emmy can hook you up
with some candy canes.

Big ones, not mini ones?

What do I look like, your Aunt Patsy?

I said no more candy.

Hand it over.

[groans]

Oh, yeah, that's... not the same.

[cell phone rings]

[continues ringing]

God, Matt.

How many of those butt pills
do you have to take a day?

[continues ringing]

- I think that's your phone, sir.
- Oh, oh!

Oh, hey! Oh.

Uh, Nancy. [laughing] Hi!

Hey, what a surprise. So glad you called.

Oh. This is that, uh, work thing.
I'm gonna take it outside.

But Dad, it's first and goal.

Who am I gonna high five
if they score? Todd?

- Where's my little headgear hottie?
- Okay, look.

Even if I was looking
at more than her swimsuit,

which I wasn't...

I mean, so what?

Sexuality is a spectrum, Matt.

Since when is it a crime
to find both men and women attractive?

Or... or just even women?

Also... also...

we are living in a golden age
of female hotness.

Mm-hmm.

Wonder Woman.

Captain Marvel.

The barista at the mall.

So, you know what? The next time
you want to get all in my face

for innocently looking at a picture
of some hot chick in her swimsuit,

think again.

Uh, are you...

trying to tell me something?

I'm not telling you anything.

And don't tell anyone
what I didn't tell you.

- Yeah! All right!
- [Todd] Yeah!

- Okay.
- Dad, did you see that play?

- What's going on?
- Oh, oh. Sorry.

Just, uh... I was thinking
about that call that I got

from my, uh, work friend.

She invited me over to watch the game
with some other work friends.

And I-I...

said no.

I'm here.

Which is great.

Hey? Where were you?

I got sucked back
into Patsy's tree vortex.

Where were you?

I got held up talking to Kayla about...

[exhales] ginger... bread.

Okay. Well, it's okay.
We'll try again later.

[Matt exhales]

[chuckles]

Eagles up 20.
We got this one in the bag, baby!

[Matt laughs]

Ah, no!

Broke the first rule of sports, dude.
Check the rookie, Don.

[laughs]

Actually, I agree with Matt.

Aw, come on!

The game's a blowout. [groans]

In fact, you know what?

I think I am gonna go watch the rest
of the game with my, uh, work buddies.

You can't leave in the middle of the game.

W-What about our Big Eagles
Slap 'n' Snack?

Traditions, they... they evolve, Sean.

Maybe it's time we changed things up.

I couldn't agree with you more.

- Yeah.
- You know? [chuckles]

New traditions. New ideas. New people.

They're all just jewels in a...

crown we call family. [chuckles]

Good Lord.

I agree with Matt again.

[Don chuckles]

You're actually leaving?

He's actually leaving!

This is...

Who's gonna put the star
on top of the tree if you're gone?

[Patsy] Yeah.

Well, I think it's about time that...

I passed the honor of the tree topping
on to a worthy successor.

Someone who puts their whole heart
and soul into this day.

Sean.

You've earned it.

If you need me,
I'll be at some bar called Otto's.

Hey, Matt, I saw the trash overflowing.

Okay.

Okay!

[Matt clears throat]

- You need to calm down. Meditate.
- [Todd exhales]

- What's wrong?
- Todd's freaking out about Don.

[scoffs] You mean,
'cause he kept agreeing with me?

Yeah. Sorry, dude.
There's a new kid in town.

[chuckles]

Now I just have to stay on his good side.

Then I get to marry Emmy,
and we live happily ever after. [chuckles]

No, no one cares about that.

Don's going to Otto's.

What if he finds out
that we go there to vent about him?

He's a cop.

Our DNA's all over that place.

- Don won't find out. Just be cool.
- Okay.

Yeah. [exhales]

What about the photo?

- Oh!
- Oh, God.

- [people chattering indistinctly]
- [sports commentator on TV]

- Oh, hey. [chuckles]
- Don.

- Hey.
- You made it.

- Yeah.
- Um, hey, guys.

This is Don.

Be sure to be on your best behavior,
he's a cop.

Oh, hey. Sheriff's deputy.

Off-duty... but don't break any laws
in front of me.

[laughs]

Uh...

Hey, Santa?

- Can I get a Pepsi?
- We only have Coke.

Water, please.

- Sorry there's no Pepsi.
- [Don] Oh.

Hopefully my, uh, stellar company
will make up for it.

You're fun, Nancy.

But I don't know if you're Pepsi fun.

- Ooh, challenge accepted.
- [laughs] Okay.

Ohh.

Guy leaves for two minutes,
his mom gives away his seat?

Use it or lose it.

Don, this is my son Bryan.

Oh. Hey, Bryan.

Your mom talks a lot about you.

Oh, she never mentioned you.

Ain't nobody scared of you, Bryan.
Just sit your butt down.

- [crowd groans]
- Yes, ma'am.

[woman] Oh, come on!

A pick-six! Come on, Wentz!
What are we paying you for?

You're awfully happy.
Don't you want the Eagles to win?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. But, uh...

Uh, I was just thinking...

Usually, I don't like bars,

but this one...

it's okay.

[Nancy chuckles]

- Alone at last.
- [Matt chuckles]

Yeah.

There was more interference in this house
than in the game.

- [Emmy chuckles]
- Wait. Am I getting football?

[Matt laughs]

[both laugh]

Oh, I got held up by Joy, of all people.

I caught her smoking.

Oh. Well, I'm gonna smoke you.

Get you all up in my lungs.

I am so sorry.

[door opens]

Oh, I love this duvet.

Oh. [exhales] I just needed to talk to...

my fish. Don't mind me.

I just saved you
from a very awkward peep show.

Sorry. Kayla's a little more "Kayla"
than usual.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Um, actually,
I got to take care of something.

What? No, no, it's okay. I don't mind
that you didn't brush your teeth.

What?

No, I did.

[chuckles]

What is with my breath today?

[door closes]

[shivers]

Let me know if you get too cold.

Hey.

Um...

I just wanted to say that if...
if you need to talk about...

anything...

I'm here.

I've never said
what I said to you out loud.

Not to anyone.

Even myself.

I couldn't.

I mean, my family is very...

[exhales]

Traditional.

Well, thanks for confiding in me.

I'm honored.

No.

Thank you. [sniffles]

It really helped.

[sighs]

It would have been so much harder to say
all that to someone I actually care about.

[Patsy] I-I know it's Dad's decision,

but I have been working my...

[softly] tush off all day,

and honestly...

I don't think I was even considered
for the tree-topping position.

What? Sean just...
He gets it because he's a man?

[inhales, exhales]

I'm sorry, but it's how I feel.

Hey, hey, feminism is not a dirty word.

[all groan]

Bryan.

He seems nice.

Yeah. It's, uh...

- It's not personal.
- Yeah.

Watching the Eagles at Otto's
has been our thing since...

his dad and I got divorced
a few years ago.

You know,
I kind of broke tradition myself.

I always watch the game with my family.

In fact,

I got a couple of texts
from my son about...

"Eagles giving up the lead."
Look at this. "Your" and "fault."

[both laugh]

[Nancy laughs]

[Don sighs]

You know, um...

we can hang out another time.

Without kids?

Definitely without kids.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

All right. Maybe I will go home.

Hey.

I just got to say...

Nancy.

Being with you...

is better than a Pepsi.

- See you.
- Okay.

- [door closes]
- Oh, hello.

Thanks for joining us.
Eagles are about to lose.

But how was your viewing party? Do tell.

[gasps] Oh, tree looks nice, Pats.

[Patsy] Hm.

So, uh, how was Otto's?

I-Is that the name? Otto's?

I've just seen the outside
as I've walked right on by.

Sorry, winter mosquito.

This thing stinks like cigarettes.

They had this smoking patio there.
It was practically in the bar.

Whoo, Aunt Emmy.

What's that about?

I don't know. He's a kid.
Kids do dumb stuff.

Thumbs up out of nowhere?
It's nonsense.

No. I did it because of your...
[whispers loudly] secret cigarettes.

What?

He's just all hopped up on sugar.

- Here they are.
- [all gasp]

What?

I... No. Okay.

Those... I don't smoke.

Okay. Yes, those were in my purse,

but I... I just keep them in there
in case I'm ever...

in a play.

Smoking?

I knew that you drank alcohol
every once in a while, but smoking?

What kind of an example are you setting
for Donny and Sean Jr.?

I have to tell you, Don. I...

I, too, am disappointed.

LA.

LA has ruined my little Emmy.

No, you know what?

They're mine.

I'm the smoker.

I'm the one who's ruined.

I should have known.

I'm sorry, Don.

But hey, let's not lose sight
of the good times today.

Remember when we agreed
about the game being a blowout?

- [Don growls]
- You were all, "I agree with Matt."

That was then, Joe Camel.

Let's not be too hard on Matt.

I don't know.

Look, Don. He's trying to quit,

which, I'm guessing,

is why he gave Emmy the cigarettes
in the first place.

- And I bet he appreciates your help, Emmy.
- [mouths] Thank you.

And I'm gonna help Matt quit, too.

Is throwing them in the fire too dramatic?

Maybe I should hold on to them, or...

No. Yep. Here we go. No more smoking.

[announcer] Interception.

Interception! Eagles intercept!

[all shouting]

Run! Run!

[cheering]

[Don] Yeah! Yeah!

[Don and Sean] E-A-G-L-E-S,

Eagles!

Cacaw!

Oh, oh, oh!

[Don and Sean growl]

- All right, Todd!
- Yeah!

[Don and Sean] Yeah!

Yeah!

- We don't twirl.
- I knew it as I did it.

[Don exhales]

Look how excited the cheerleaders are.

Now you got to watch part of the game
with those work friends every week.

It's a new tradition.

That'd be all right with me. Yeah.

[chuckles]

Since you're home, Pop.

You should be the one
that puts the star on top of the tree.

Wait, wait! Just, uh, finishing touches.

Okay. All yours.

[Don gasps]

This is beautiful, Pats.

Hey, you know what?

You ought to be our tree topper
from now on.

Oh.

Another new tradition.

No, that's not...

Okay.

[Don chuckles]

Okay.

Everybody.

["O Christmas Tree" plays]

Sean Jr., will you do the honors?

Yeah.

Aww.

Yay!

I think Mom would've liked this one.

- Definitely.
- Yeah.

Hey.

That was a really sweet thing you did,
taking the fall for me and Joy.

Yeah, but your dad hates me again.

It's like one step forward,
two steps back,

then you fall into a ditch
and break your femur.

Aww.

Hey, I'm sorry, babe.

The tree's decorated, the game's over,

our window is officially closed.

We'll just wait till we're back in LA.

In nine days.

- Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
- Time moves so slowly here.

[Emmy sighs]