Me and Mrs Jones (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
The school is holding its parents' evening and Billy helps Gemma with her contribution to the cake stall,which pales beside Tom's magnificent offering. Nor is she pleased that Jason has let their girls dye their hair and takes lightly reports of daughter Charlotte's overly boisterous behaviour. When Charlotte's sister Jess gets stage fright over the school play Billy gives her the confidence to go on and Gemma gratefully kisses him. They are seen by an irate Alfie who starts a fight during the play which Tom breaks up before asking Gemma on a second date. She accepts but is equally attracted,if not more so,to Billy.
"So, erm, Billy..."
Yeah, good, keep it casual.
"Erm, I was wondering,
could I, erm..." No, no, no.
"Can I." Yes.
"Erm, can I have a word about
the incident in the bathroom
last night?"
No, no, not "incident".
It's not a crime scene, erm,
more of an awkward misunderstanding.
Yes, good.
"Which could have
come across as a, erm, a thingy.
"But it wasn't a thingy.
But it could have looked like one.
"Erm, but it wasn't. OK?"
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh! Oh, bloody blimey!
Oh!
Oh my God! Sorry!
Oh! Oh no! Oh! Did you see anything?
No!
Sure? Yes.
Not that I'm Pamela Anderson.
I know! What?
Sorry, I didn't mean
because I'd seen your...
What I'm meaning is, clothes
do seem anatomically correct,
you know, in proportion to your...
Thanks, I think. Right, I'm decent.
Oh, hair! It's nice.
Thank you.
Anyway, Billy, yes, erm,
I'm glad you're back.
Not for any weird reason or...
Look, can I have a word about...?
It's fine, don't worry about it.
Well, you don't know
what I was going to say yet.
You were going to apologise
for pushing me into the bathroom
when I was half naked last night.
Forget it. It's no big deal.
I would say it happens all the time,
but it doesn't.
Ah, you're back, mate. Just in time.
Right, Mum, me and Billy are going
to the twins' parents' evening.
We are? There's going to be
a lot of fit older women there,
MILFs, my friend, and you know
what they're gagging for, don't you?
All of this!
I'm sure an undisturbed night's
sleep and full-time child-care
would be preferable.
I bet I snog a MILF before you do.
In fact, let's make it interesting.
First person to snog a MILF wins,
loser gets the drinks in.
Hang on, mate. Mum,
did you make these cupcakes?
Yeah.
Right, well if you two are coming,
then you'd better get a wiggle on.
Jason and Inca have got the girls
and I'm meeting them there
in half an hour.
Prepare to be paying for the beers,
my friend, because you're looking
at an older woman's dream come true.
Well, it's true! Believe it.
Women find me uncomfortably sexy.
Yeah, I'm not sure that's a good
thing. Oh, it is, Mum. It is.
You're going to have someone's
eye out with those, mate.
I've got overly prominent nipples,
as you well know.
I'm not ashamed!
Talking to me?
You talking to me?
Ain't nobody else here.
Talking to me?
Who are you talking to, Jason?
No-one. Come on, love,
we're going to be late.
Gemma's going to kill me if we don't
get the girls there on time.
Wow!
Erm, is that an appropriate
look for a school function?
Jason, I will not restrict
my natural Nordic style.
Express it, not suppress it. You will
want to be losing the dated blouson
back-pleated leather bomber jacket.
You are looking
like Jeffrey Clarkson.
There's nothing wrong with that.
And it's JEREMY Clarkson.
No, I love this jacket. I'm just
trying to express my idea of...
Enough,
so I'm blocking my ears to you.
Charlotte! Yes, we go.
Your dad is going to birth mice
if we're late.
Let the games begin, my friend.
See you inside.
Can I assist you,
fair maiden, with those?
Hmm, thank you. Yes, and you'll need
to make four more trips to the car.
Oh God! Mine looks like road kill,
doesn't it?
No!
Yeah.
Knew it.
Have you seen Flynn?
He's run off in his Grim Reaper
costume waving a pork chop around.
Ooh, hello!
Hello.
Fran, Billy, Alfie's friend.
Billy, Fran.
Nice to meet you. Haven't you got
good eyes and a good face and...
And thank you, Fran.
And I'll take these in for you.
Hmm. Have you snogged him?
What?!
No, of course not!
I mean, no.
What would Alfie think?
I'm sure he'd be pleased
for his mum. Really?
Yeah, Tom's gorgeous.
Oh, Tom! Yes, no, Tom. Yes, good.
Oh my God, you did more
than snog Tom, didn't you?
You have the sex glow. No, I don't.
Well, either that, or you've
got cystitis again. Neither.
Oh, you've got that naughty
twinkle in your eye.
Oh, it's probably a stye.
Oh, please say you at least
snogged Tom.
Oh, fine. He kissed me in the ear.
Interesting! Did he use his tongue?
Oh, now that's the sort of guy
who could blink and make you orga...
Excuse me... Organism.
Your son Flynn has been observed
drinking from a toilet bowl.
Well, did he flush first?
Erm, yeah.
Well, that's fine then.
OK, OK, I'll go and get my son.
It's meant to look like that.
Move it, you numpty!
Close your ears, girls, your daddy
is being head crazy again.
Jason, a balanced diet rich in
Omega 3 fish oil reduces stress
and hostility.
Or are you wanting a heart explosion?
I'm not eating fish juice.
What are you thinking the virility
tonic I'm making you drink is?
Ugh.
Hiya.
Oh no, the Nigellas!
That's the last thing I need.
They look OK to me. Oh, don't be
fooled by their Yummy Mummy exterior.
They're actually a bunch
of judgemental cashmere
pashmina-wearing monsters.
Oh.
They're going to love this.
Come on, I'll hold your hand.
I don't need you to hold my hand.
I'm not a...
I didn't mean...
I thought you came here to pull
MUFFS with Alfie?
I think you mean MILFS.
Hi, Gemma.
Oh.
Wowee! Interesting cake.
Thank you.
No, it wasn't a compliment.
It was an observation.
Hi, guys.
Hey!
Tom!
I say, Billy, would you mind?
No, of course.
Thank you.
Bloody done it again, haven't I?
I've overdone the cake thing.
It's just that Poppy and I had such
a fabulous week creating it, I...
No, Tom, it's wonderful.
I wish I could cook like that,
it's really fantastic,
it's like a work of art.
Not like mine.
Mine's more Damien Hirst, "Stuffed
Bloated Cat Run Over By A Truck."
Not "Woodland Wonderland
Family Wedding Day."
Is that the fire alarm?
When I was reprimanding
the class yesterday,
Flynn put up his hand
and asked if the reason
I was in a bad mood was because
I was due for my pyramid.
He is very attuned.
He wants me to call him "Butch".
Well, he must really like you.
I have no doubt of that, Mrs Taylor.
Miss.
Because he told me that when I die,
he wants me to buried
outside his bedroom window.
Oh no! Oh my God!
Oh wicked, my sisters are orange!
What the...? I mean, how?!
Oh, you!
Sorry we're late.
I heard you were back.
Jason, can I have a small word?
High fives. Down, boom!
Boom!
I'm not sure about your hair, girls.
What the hell happened?
We got held up. Some idiot
driving like a girl's bra.
No, what happened to Charlotte
and Jess? What do you mean?
What do I mean?
They're orange, Jason!
In case you hadn't noticed.
Well, Inca did it. They show
it to us at the beauty academy,
how to turn people sun-kissed.
I'm using taupe. Hmm, nice.
Sun-kissed? They look like
over made-up Space Hoppers!
They have a healthy look.
And Gemma, the tanning lotion
has anti-ageing properties.
Anti-ageing? They're ten!
Exactly. No need to thank me.
Look, Mum. I've got fake nails. See?
Oh, you both look good enough to eat!
This is too much.
Lying down. Lying down.
Wow, that's impressive.
Yeah, my daughter made it.
We papier-mache'd her cousin,
Griffin Junior.
We gave him a straw to breathe
through, obviously.
Oh, obviously.
So, I expect Gemma has been walking
around on cloud nine since our date?
Ah...
My feet have barely touched
the ground.
You know, underneath all the mess
is a really super woman.
Real knee-buckler of a kiss.
Oh, right.
I know it's bad form for a chap
to talk about such matters,
but it gave me
a slight pinching in the gut.
I'm feeling a bit punch-drunk
and giddy about the whole thing.
That's great, Tom.
Anyone special in your life?
Oh, I... Wise.
You're young, don't tie yourself
down, keep your options open.
Spray the fields, eh?
Spray the fields.
I just don't think it's appropriate
on ten-year-olds.
Gemma, I'm taking my duties
as soon-to-be step-mother
with the great seriousness.
I promise you I'm never going
to again step on your foots.
You're their mother and I'll just be
a very, very, very, dear friend.
Thank you so much, Mrs Collier.
Oh, no, thank you.
Ava May is a pure joy to teach.
Hello, Mr and Mrs Jones,
do you want to come in?
Hello, I'm Inca Adolfson,
soon to be Inca Adolfson-Jones.
Oh.
I can't help it.
I will be the step-mother
and I'm Swedish.
Perhaps we should just focus
on Charlotte and Jess?
Ignore me, I'm just going
to observe.
Right.
Well, er, both girls are doing
really well academically,
they're both bright. Woo!
Yes. Unfortunately, we have had some
issues with Charlotte of late.
I see. She's become a bit
boisterous in class.
I mean, her work's not
suffering at the moment,
but she is disrupting
the rest of the class.
Class clown? Well...
I was like that.
Had the class in stitches,
even broke the teacher.
Right, well... Is it jokes?
Because I was like that.
Jason! What?
She dyed the school hamster pink.
Oh no. Brilliant!
Pranks! I was like that.
I bet it brought the house down.
The children were very upset.
Of course they were.
We'll talk to her. She's OK.
A few jolly japes
never held me back.
I run a successful sandwich
delivery company.
I have a fleet of VW
transporter vans.
I'm not sure one van could be
classed as a "fleet".
OK, I'm bored.
So...
do you think there could be a reason
behind Charlottes' behaviour?
No. Yes.
Please, can I have some cake?
You're not having any.
Please. We won't stop hitting you.
Right, show me the money.
Mate. Come on,
let's get out of here.
Oh, mate, you're not getting any
action, are you giving up?
Losers get the beers in.
No, I don't even remember
agreeing to... Ssh.
My MILF's back. Right, I'm going in
and I'm taking no prisoners.
Love gun... loaded.
Brilliant!
Where's Alfie going?
To be humiliated.
I like your wares.
I don't get to eat
home cooked food much.
I travel a lot, business mainly,
you know,
high-ish finance, stocks,
bullion, that sort of thing.
Really? Yes.
Is this your cake?
Yes.
Mmm...
It tastes sensual.
You do realise you're going to have
to pay for that,
now that it's been soiled?
How much is it?
£20. £20 for that?! Yes.
Have you got change for a fifty?
Yes.
Actually, I don't have a fifty,
I've only got a fiver.
I need to get some
money from my mum. Mum!
Ha! This is having big kidney.
A volcano is a land form,
usually a mountain,
where liquid rocks erupt
from the surface of the planet.
Yes, I'm a man,
I know what a volcano is.
Did you know
that the name volcano has its origin
from the name Vulcan,
the god of fire in Roman mythology?
Yes.
I run a successful
sandwich business.
"The Running Bun."
Oh, I should've brought my beauty
business cards, Jason.
There is a lot of facial
hair in this place,
and I don't talking about the men.
You're not even qualified yet.
Do not try to make me tiny, Jason.
I come here today just for you
to practice as future stepmother.
The Running Bun.
I don't think that's a very good
name for a sandwich company.
And your volcano's rubbish.
Can I have a word, Jason?
We need to talk about what happened.
You'll have to say something.
Fine, I'll talk to
Charlotte about the hamster.
No, I'm not talking about Charlotte.
I'm talking about...
Jason, she dyed our kids orange,
she came to the parents' evening.
It's got to stop.
Fine, I'll try and have a word.
Jason, I need your purse.
Wallet!
Gemma was Jason's first wife
and I will be the second.
Oh right, congratulations.
Oh no, we're not engaged.
Yet.
So, er, fancy winning some
fabulous homemade cakes?
Gemma's is a treat.
Gemma's is a treat!
Yes, thank you, Jason.
What?
I wish I'd known, I could have baked
my spettekaka. It's a...
Oh, sweet dry hollow cake
shaped like a cylinder,
made only in the southern
regions of Sweden.
Oh my, you have visited my Sweden?
Ja, jag har.
Ja jag boode dr fr tv ren.
You speak Swedish?
Well, pigeon Swedish really.
I get mixed up with the tenses.
Den hr er s spnnande,
jag missa min hem s mycket.
Oh verkligen utom sknheten
av Uxbridge.
Um...
I'm going to go
and look for the girls.
Jason, Tom has great Swedish humour.
Doesn't say a lot for Tom then,
does it?
You want I should kill myself,
Jason?
You want I should eat carbohydrates?
I have family history of suicide.
Right. So, how many tickets?
One strip?
The whole book.
I've got a fleet of sandwich vans.
Inca says I need to look
out for excessive body hair.
She says no one wants to kiss a girl
who looks like a moose.
She's got a point.
I would like to kiss a moose.
That's because you
look like a moose.
Can you wait here
while I get her, right?
Jess?
Are you in here?
No.
Well, that's a shame,
I kind of wanted to talk to her.
Well, she's not in here.
The thing is, she's meant to be
doing her show in a minute.
She's not going to,
cos she'd be pants.
Really, pants? That's quite harsh.
Why would she be pants?
Because someone told her
she'd be pants.
Well, if I was Jess, I'd want to
show that "someone" I WASN'T pants.
She said I look like a moose.
Well, you don't. You...
You look a princess
and every night,
little fairies dance on her face.
No they don't, silly. See?
Little fairy footprints
that they've left behind.
And they wouldn't dance on a moose's
face, would they?
Do you really think
I can make Poppy look pants?
Just by showing up,
you're going to make her look like
a huge pair
of your dad's baggiest,
oldest Y-fronts.
Yuck!
You're a silly billy, Billy.
You do know this is a girls'
toilet, don't you?
Boys wee standing up.
Wow.
I know.
If I wasn't hiding one affair,
I'd hunt that man down
and smother him in Tiramisu.
All right, keep your knickers on.
They're not his type.
Go on, give us a little waddle.
You're ready.
Inca's going to practice her
beauty techniques on me.
Hmm, Jason is not happy to be
being my experiment.
Too right, she painted my toenails
in my sleep. I'm happy to do it.
Cheers, mate. Thanks, Alfred.
My next session are the deep
tissue full body massage. Oh, top!
No, wait, hang on, no, no,
I'll be your experiment for that.
No, Jason, my oiled fingers get
stuck in your man-fuzz.
I love a massage.
Just oil me up and...
No, do me. You can wax me first.
Really? Hmm.
That is true love.
Jason, you are being jealous.
That is so sweet.
I have no interest in his young,
taught, smooth skin.
Just your fuzzy, piggy belly.
Oh! Ha, yes.
When we're gone back home,
I heat up the wax.
Hi. Oh, hello.
Yes... Is that dog carrying
a head in its mouth?
It's Flynn's.
Oh, and that explains it?
Yes, for about six weeks,
he thought he was a dog.
Fran spent a fortune
on squeaky bones.
Thank you.
For what?
I heard you talking to Jess.
She's not as tough as Charlotte.
Yeah, she's sweet. Yeah.
I worry about them.
Most of the time, I feel like
I'm always one step behind them,
trying to catch up with them.
And then one day
I know I'm going to turn round
and they're going to be big
grown-up women.
Look at Alfie, he's a big
grown-up... Woman.
Thanks for...
Looks like you won the bet.
I didn't kiss you to win a bet.
Argh!!
STOP KISSING MY MUM!!!
Alfie! Argh!
Alfie!
Yes, we're so proud of Ava May's
platinum award.
I've just got to...
Yes, thank you so much.
Hi, it's me. Mr Jones.
I remember.
About the hamster,
you can tell me now we're alone.
You laughed, right?
I didn't.
But I bet when you told them
in the staff room, they all laughed.
They didn't.
If I asked you off school premises,
you'd say it was funny.
I wouldn't.
Would.
No running!
You boy! No running
in the corridors.
Alfie, stop!
I just want to explain, it's not
what it looks like! Really?
It looked like you were snogging the
face off my mum to win a bet!
No...
When I said we were going
to try and pull MILF,
I wasn't talking about my
mum! She's not even fit!
Alfie, stop being an idiot.
Can we just talk about it?
You, come here.
Stop it!
Isn't that what you should've said
to him?!
I was just saying thank you
to him for, for... It was a mistake!
Yeah, too right.
Alfie, calm down.
Aargh!
I'm sorry.
Aaaaaargh!
Yes, they have been rehearsing
terribly hard.
Settle down, settle down. Welcome,
welcome, one and all...
Mummy. Mummy.
To this Year 5's performance
of Penguin Party.
It's Billy.
Sorry.
Sorry. Welcome. Welcome.
You haven't missed anything.
There's a seat somewhere for you...
There's one over here.
So, as you can imagine, the children
have put in a lot of time
and effort into devising the show.
There's a seat at the back,
young man, just on the...
There's a notice... Perhaps there's
some problem in the corridor?
Where was I? Er, yes,
the penguin costumes
are an absolute credit
to Mrs Collier...
Fight me like a man, you girl!
What's going on? Have you
smuggled booze in?
Mrs Collier...
Stop acting like a baby,
it's just a misunderstanding.
Hiding somewhere...
I do not know what this is about,
but would you both just calm down.
Sssh! Ssh yourself!
And this is following on
from project work and...
Hello, everyone. Hi.
If that is everybody?
Gemma. Is that everybody? Gemma.
Er sorry, I'll just um,
I'll just take a seat.
That's the whole family.
Following on from
the project work...
Stop it! Stop it.
Ssh. I'm trying to record it
and you're ruining the audio!
You ssh, this is real life
going on here, lady!
Ava May has been
practising for weeks for this
and we've spent hours
on her costume.
Oh, get over yourself.
She's dressed as a fat penguin,
she'll THANK me
for ruining the video. Alfie!
Psst!
Can somebody help me?
Oh, yes. Ow!
Can I just say,
he's not biologically my son.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Year 5 Penguin Party.
If you ruin Ava May's big moment...
Do you want to take this outside?
Oooow!
Alfie, if you fight the hold,
the arm will break.
Hello, Lucy.
Now breathe.
Now, what was all this about, eh?
'She's always happy, even though
it's cold where she lives.'
Nothing.
Alfie! 'Hello, Lucy.'
I'd better go after him.
'Come on, let's go to school.'
Oh, what's wrong?
You're usually so happy.
You know I've got you on tape,
threatening me.
Well, you'd better turn around,
unless you want the follow
through on there too.
'This hole covers almost
the whole continent...'
Just so you know,
none of this is putting me off.
I definitely want a second date.
Sorry, sorry, do you mind?
Sit down!
Thank you. Sorry, so sorry.
Brilliant, thank you.
Mate, I'm sorry. It just happened,
it wasn't your mother's fault.
How would you like it if I kissed
your mum? That would be weird.
Yes, weird. But she's 64
with a grey perm.
She had me late in life.
I was a gift from God.
What, like Jesus?
I should just find somewhere
else to crash, man.
Look, right, what you did
was gross, mate.
That's a line you don't cross.
But you know, we've all done
something disgusting to win a bet.
I once kissed the lips of a frog
to get a free pint.
Right, in we go.
Hey! Hey!
Hi, hi.
What are you doing?
Alfie, did you see us? Yeah.
Poppy fell over
and couldn't get up again.
You were the best seals
I've ever seen.
But we were penguins.
Mmmm...
Go on.
You OK, Alfie?
Yeah, it's OK.
It's all sorted, Mum.
I realise it could have been anyone.
He wanted to win a bet, it's not
like he fancied you. Right, mate?
Right.
Alfie, can you tell us a story?
Yeah, one of your made-up ones.
Keep it clean, Alfie.
It can never happen again.
I should never have let you.
I wanted to. Stop.
OK. Whatever you want.
Yes, well, it is what I want.
There's Alfie and there's the girls
and you're...
Right, I get it.
It's got to be over before it
begins, OK?
OK. OK. OK. Right.
Excellent. Right.
Just stop it with your eyes
and your lips and your...
I wasn't doing anything.
Right, good, good, good,
excellent. Yes.
I mean, we shall
speak of it no more.
I'm going to go upstairs
to read, or sew.
Right. I never had you down
as a sewer.
Well, I'm old. It's what we do, sew.
Stop kissing him.
What's wrong with you?
I mean, so what if he's young
and attractive,
with a voice I could eat?
Oh... Stop it!
Tom, Tom, think of Tom.
I said stop it,
you... scarlet woman, you.
Yeah, good, keep it casual.
"Erm, I was wondering,
could I, erm..." No, no, no.
"Can I." Yes.
"Erm, can I have a word about
the incident in the bathroom
last night?"
No, no, not "incident".
It's not a crime scene, erm,
more of an awkward misunderstanding.
Yes, good.
"Which could have
come across as a, erm, a thingy.
"But it wasn't a thingy.
But it could have looked like one.
"Erm, but it wasn't. OK?"
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh! Oh, bloody blimey!
Oh!
Oh my God! Sorry!
Oh! Oh no! Oh! Did you see anything?
No!
Sure? Yes.
Not that I'm Pamela Anderson.
I know! What?
Sorry, I didn't mean
because I'd seen your...
What I'm meaning is, clothes
do seem anatomically correct,
you know, in proportion to your...
Thanks, I think. Right, I'm decent.
Oh, hair! It's nice.
Thank you.
Anyway, Billy, yes, erm,
I'm glad you're back.
Not for any weird reason or...
Look, can I have a word about...?
It's fine, don't worry about it.
Well, you don't know
what I was going to say yet.
You were going to apologise
for pushing me into the bathroom
when I was half naked last night.
Forget it. It's no big deal.
I would say it happens all the time,
but it doesn't.
Ah, you're back, mate. Just in time.
Right, Mum, me and Billy are going
to the twins' parents' evening.
We are? There's going to be
a lot of fit older women there,
MILFs, my friend, and you know
what they're gagging for, don't you?
All of this!
I'm sure an undisturbed night's
sleep and full-time child-care
would be preferable.
I bet I snog a MILF before you do.
In fact, let's make it interesting.
First person to snog a MILF wins,
loser gets the drinks in.
Hang on, mate. Mum,
did you make these cupcakes?
Yeah.
Right, well if you two are coming,
then you'd better get a wiggle on.
Jason and Inca have got the girls
and I'm meeting them there
in half an hour.
Prepare to be paying for the beers,
my friend, because you're looking
at an older woman's dream come true.
Well, it's true! Believe it.
Women find me uncomfortably sexy.
Yeah, I'm not sure that's a good
thing. Oh, it is, Mum. It is.
You're going to have someone's
eye out with those, mate.
I've got overly prominent nipples,
as you well know.
I'm not ashamed!
Talking to me?
You talking to me?
Ain't nobody else here.
Talking to me?
Who are you talking to, Jason?
No-one. Come on, love,
we're going to be late.
Gemma's going to kill me if we don't
get the girls there on time.
Wow!
Erm, is that an appropriate
look for a school function?
Jason, I will not restrict
my natural Nordic style.
Express it, not suppress it. You will
want to be losing the dated blouson
back-pleated leather bomber jacket.
You are looking
like Jeffrey Clarkson.
There's nothing wrong with that.
And it's JEREMY Clarkson.
No, I love this jacket. I'm just
trying to express my idea of...
Enough,
so I'm blocking my ears to you.
Charlotte! Yes, we go.
Your dad is going to birth mice
if we're late.
Let the games begin, my friend.
See you inside.
Can I assist you,
fair maiden, with those?
Hmm, thank you. Yes, and you'll need
to make four more trips to the car.
Oh God! Mine looks like road kill,
doesn't it?
No!
Yeah.
Knew it.
Have you seen Flynn?
He's run off in his Grim Reaper
costume waving a pork chop around.
Ooh, hello!
Hello.
Fran, Billy, Alfie's friend.
Billy, Fran.
Nice to meet you. Haven't you got
good eyes and a good face and...
And thank you, Fran.
And I'll take these in for you.
Hmm. Have you snogged him?
What?!
No, of course not!
I mean, no.
What would Alfie think?
I'm sure he'd be pleased
for his mum. Really?
Yeah, Tom's gorgeous.
Oh, Tom! Yes, no, Tom. Yes, good.
Oh my God, you did more
than snog Tom, didn't you?
You have the sex glow. No, I don't.
Well, either that, or you've
got cystitis again. Neither.
Oh, you've got that naughty
twinkle in your eye.
Oh, it's probably a stye.
Oh, please say you at least
snogged Tom.
Oh, fine. He kissed me in the ear.
Interesting! Did he use his tongue?
Oh, now that's the sort of guy
who could blink and make you orga...
Excuse me... Organism.
Your son Flynn has been observed
drinking from a toilet bowl.
Well, did he flush first?
Erm, yeah.
Well, that's fine then.
OK, OK, I'll go and get my son.
It's meant to look like that.
Move it, you numpty!
Close your ears, girls, your daddy
is being head crazy again.
Jason, a balanced diet rich in
Omega 3 fish oil reduces stress
and hostility.
Or are you wanting a heart explosion?
I'm not eating fish juice.
What are you thinking the virility
tonic I'm making you drink is?
Ugh.
Hiya.
Oh no, the Nigellas!
That's the last thing I need.
They look OK to me. Oh, don't be
fooled by their Yummy Mummy exterior.
They're actually a bunch
of judgemental cashmere
pashmina-wearing monsters.
Oh.
They're going to love this.
Come on, I'll hold your hand.
I don't need you to hold my hand.
I'm not a...
I didn't mean...
I thought you came here to pull
MUFFS with Alfie?
I think you mean MILFS.
Hi, Gemma.
Oh.
Wowee! Interesting cake.
Thank you.
No, it wasn't a compliment.
It was an observation.
Hi, guys.
Hey!
Tom!
I say, Billy, would you mind?
No, of course.
Thank you.
Bloody done it again, haven't I?
I've overdone the cake thing.
It's just that Poppy and I had such
a fabulous week creating it, I...
No, Tom, it's wonderful.
I wish I could cook like that,
it's really fantastic,
it's like a work of art.
Not like mine.
Mine's more Damien Hirst, "Stuffed
Bloated Cat Run Over By A Truck."
Not "Woodland Wonderland
Family Wedding Day."
Is that the fire alarm?
When I was reprimanding
the class yesterday,
Flynn put up his hand
and asked if the reason
I was in a bad mood was because
I was due for my pyramid.
He is very attuned.
He wants me to call him "Butch".
Well, he must really like you.
I have no doubt of that, Mrs Taylor.
Miss.
Because he told me that when I die,
he wants me to buried
outside his bedroom window.
Oh no! Oh my God!
Oh wicked, my sisters are orange!
What the...? I mean, how?!
Oh, you!
Sorry we're late.
I heard you were back.
Jason, can I have a small word?
High fives. Down, boom!
Boom!
I'm not sure about your hair, girls.
What the hell happened?
We got held up. Some idiot
driving like a girl's bra.
No, what happened to Charlotte
and Jess? What do you mean?
What do I mean?
They're orange, Jason!
In case you hadn't noticed.
Well, Inca did it. They show
it to us at the beauty academy,
how to turn people sun-kissed.
I'm using taupe. Hmm, nice.
Sun-kissed? They look like
over made-up Space Hoppers!
They have a healthy look.
And Gemma, the tanning lotion
has anti-ageing properties.
Anti-ageing? They're ten!
Exactly. No need to thank me.
Look, Mum. I've got fake nails. See?
Oh, you both look good enough to eat!
This is too much.
Lying down. Lying down.
Wow, that's impressive.
Yeah, my daughter made it.
We papier-mache'd her cousin,
Griffin Junior.
We gave him a straw to breathe
through, obviously.
Oh, obviously.
So, I expect Gemma has been walking
around on cloud nine since our date?
Ah...
My feet have barely touched
the ground.
You know, underneath all the mess
is a really super woman.
Real knee-buckler of a kiss.
Oh, right.
I know it's bad form for a chap
to talk about such matters,
but it gave me
a slight pinching in the gut.
I'm feeling a bit punch-drunk
and giddy about the whole thing.
That's great, Tom.
Anyone special in your life?
Oh, I... Wise.
You're young, don't tie yourself
down, keep your options open.
Spray the fields, eh?
Spray the fields.
I just don't think it's appropriate
on ten-year-olds.
Gemma, I'm taking my duties
as soon-to-be step-mother
with the great seriousness.
I promise you I'm never going
to again step on your foots.
You're their mother and I'll just be
a very, very, very, dear friend.
Thank you so much, Mrs Collier.
Oh, no, thank you.
Ava May is a pure joy to teach.
Hello, Mr and Mrs Jones,
do you want to come in?
Hello, I'm Inca Adolfson,
soon to be Inca Adolfson-Jones.
Oh.
I can't help it.
I will be the step-mother
and I'm Swedish.
Perhaps we should just focus
on Charlotte and Jess?
Ignore me, I'm just going
to observe.
Right.
Well, er, both girls are doing
really well academically,
they're both bright. Woo!
Yes. Unfortunately, we have had some
issues with Charlotte of late.
I see. She's become a bit
boisterous in class.
I mean, her work's not
suffering at the moment,
but she is disrupting
the rest of the class.
Class clown? Well...
I was like that.
Had the class in stitches,
even broke the teacher.
Right, well... Is it jokes?
Because I was like that.
Jason! What?
She dyed the school hamster pink.
Oh no. Brilliant!
Pranks! I was like that.
I bet it brought the house down.
The children were very upset.
Of course they were.
We'll talk to her. She's OK.
A few jolly japes
never held me back.
I run a successful sandwich
delivery company.
I have a fleet of VW
transporter vans.
I'm not sure one van could be
classed as a "fleet".
OK, I'm bored.
So...
do you think there could be a reason
behind Charlottes' behaviour?
No. Yes.
Please, can I have some cake?
You're not having any.
Please. We won't stop hitting you.
Right, show me the money.
Mate. Come on,
let's get out of here.
Oh, mate, you're not getting any
action, are you giving up?
Losers get the beers in.
No, I don't even remember
agreeing to... Ssh.
My MILF's back. Right, I'm going in
and I'm taking no prisoners.
Love gun... loaded.
Brilliant!
Where's Alfie going?
To be humiliated.
I like your wares.
I don't get to eat
home cooked food much.
I travel a lot, business mainly,
you know,
high-ish finance, stocks,
bullion, that sort of thing.
Really? Yes.
Is this your cake?
Yes.
Mmm...
It tastes sensual.
You do realise you're going to have
to pay for that,
now that it's been soiled?
How much is it?
£20. £20 for that?! Yes.
Have you got change for a fifty?
Yes.
Actually, I don't have a fifty,
I've only got a fiver.
I need to get some
money from my mum. Mum!
Ha! This is having big kidney.
A volcano is a land form,
usually a mountain,
where liquid rocks erupt
from the surface of the planet.
Yes, I'm a man,
I know what a volcano is.
Did you know
that the name volcano has its origin
from the name Vulcan,
the god of fire in Roman mythology?
Yes.
I run a successful
sandwich business.
"The Running Bun."
Oh, I should've brought my beauty
business cards, Jason.
There is a lot of facial
hair in this place,
and I don't talking about the men.
You're not even qualified yet.
Do not try to make me tiny, Jason.
I come here today just for you
to practice as future stepmother.
The Running Bun.
I don't think that's a very good
name for a sandwich company.
And your volcano's rubbish.
Can I have a word, Jason?
We need to talk about what happened.
You'll have to say something.
Fine, I'll talk to
Charlotte about the hamster.
No, I'm not talking about Charlotte.
I'm talking about...
Jason, she dyed our kids orange,
she came to the parents' evening.
It's got to stop.
Fine, I'll try and have a word.
Jason, I need your purse.
Wallet!
Gemma was Jason's first wife
and I will be the second.
Oh right, congratulations.
Oh no, we're not engaged.
Yet.
So, er, fancy winning some
fabulous homemade cakes?
Gemma's is a treat.
Gemma's is a treat!
Yes, thank you, Jason.
What?
I wish I'd known, I could have baked
my spettekaka. It's a...
Oh, sweet dry hollow cake
shaped like a cylinder,
made only in the southern
regions of Sweden.
Oh my, you have visited my Sweden?
Ja, jag har.
Ja jag boode dr fr tv ren.
You speak Swedish?
Well, pigeon Swedish really.
I get mixed up with the tenses.
Den hr er s spnnande,
jag missa min hem s mycket.
Oh verkligen utom sknheten
av Uxbridge.
Um...
I'm going to go
and look for the girls.
Jason, Tom has great Swedish humour.
Doesn't say a lot for Tom then,
does it?
You want I should kill myself,
Jason?
You want I should eat carbohydrates?
I have family history of suicide.
Right. So, how many tickets?
One strip?
The whole book.
I've got a fleet of sandwich vans.
Inca says I need to look
out for excessive body hair.
She says no one wants to kiss a girl
who looks like a moose.
She's got a point.
I would like to kiss a moose.
That's because you
look like a moose.
Can you wait here
while I get her, right?
Jess?
Are you in here?
No.
Well, that's a shame,
I kind of wanted to talk to her.
Well, she's not in here.
The thing is, she's meant to be
doing her show in a minute.
She's not going to,
cos she'd be pants.
Really, pants? That's quite harsh.
Why would she be pants?
Because someone told her
she'd be pants.
Well, if I was Jess, I'd want to
show that "someone" I WASN'T pants.
She said I look like a moose.
Well, you don't. You...
You look a princess
and every night,
little fairies dance on her face.
No they don't, silly. See?
Little fairy footprints
that they've left behind.
And they wouldn't dance on a moose's
face, would they?
Do you really think
I can make Poppy look pants?
Just by showing up,
you're going to make her look like
a huge pair
of your dad's baggiest,
oldest Y-fronts.
Yuck!
You're a silly billy, Billy.
You do know this is a girls'
toilet, don't you?
Boys wee standing up.
Wow.
I know.
If I wasn't hiding one affair,
I'd hunt that man down
and smother him in Tiramisu.
All right, keep your knickers on.
They're not his type.
Go on, give us a little waddle.
You're ready.
Inca's going to practice her
beauty techniques on me.
Hmm, Jason is not happy to be
being my experiment.
Too right, she painted my toenails
in my sleep. I'm happy to do it.
Cheers, mate. Thanks, Alfred.
My next session are the deep
tissue full body massage. Oh, top!
No, wait, hang on, no, no,
I'll be your experiment for that.
No, Jason, my oiled fingers get
stuck in your man-fuzz.
I love a massage.
Just oil me up and...
No, do me. You can wax me first.
Really? Hmm.
That is true love.
Jason, you are being jealous.
That is so sweet.
I have no interest in his young,
taught, smooth skin.
Just your fuzzy, piggy belly.
Oh! Ha, yes.
When we're gone back home,
I heat up the wax.
Hi. Oh, hello.
Yes... Is that dog carrying
a head in its mouth?
It's Flynn's.
Oh, and that explains it?
Yes, for about six weeks,
he thought he was a dog.
Fran spent a fortune
on squeaky bones.
Thank you.
For what?
I heard you talking to Jess.
She's not as tough as Charlotte.
Yeah, she's sweet. Yeah.
I worry about them.
Most of the time, I feel like
I'm always one step behind them,
trying to catch up with them.
And then one day
I know I'm going to turn round
and they're going to be big
grown-up women.
Look at Alfie, he's a big
grown-up... Woman.
Thanks for...
Looks like you won the bet.
I didn't kiss you to win a bet.
Argh!!
STOP KISSING MY MUM!!!
Alfie! Argh!
Alfie!
Yes, we're so proud of Ava May's
platinum award.
I've just got to...
Yes, thank you so much.
Hi, it's me. Mr Jones.
I remember.
About the hamster,
you can tell me now we're alone.
You laughed, right?
I didn't.
But I bet when you told them
in the staff room, they all laughed.
They didn't.
If I asked you off school premises,
you'd say it was funny.
I wouldn't.
Would.
No running!
You boy! No running
in the corridors.
Alfie, stop!
I just want to explain, it's not
what it looks like! Really?
It looked like you were snogging the
face off my mum to win a bet!
No...
When I said we were going
to try and pull MILF,
I wasn't talking about my
mum! She's not even fit!
Alfie, stop being an idiot.
Can we just talk about it?
You, come here.
Stop it!
Isn't that what you should've said
to him?!
I was just saying thank you
to him for, for... It was a mistake!
Yeah, too right.
Alfie, calm down.
Aargh!
I'm sorry.
Aaaaaargh!
Yes, they have been rehearsing
terribly hard.
Settle down, settle down. Welcome,
welcome, one and all...
Mummy. Mummy.
To this Year 5's performance
of Penguin Party.
It's Billy.
Sorry.
Sorry. Welcome. Welcome.
You haven't missed anything.
There's a seat somewhere for you...
There's one over here.
So, as you can imagine, the children
have put in a lot of time
and effort into devising the show.
There's a seat at the back,
young man, just on the...
There's a notice... Perhaps there's
some problem in the corridor?
Where was I? Er, yes,
the penguin costumes
are an absolute credit
to Mrs Collier...
Fight me like a man, you girl!
What's going on? Have you
smuggled booze in?
Mrs Collier...
Stop acting like a baby,
it's just a misunderstanding.
Hiding somewhere...
I do not know what this is about,
but would you both just calm down.
Sssh! Ssh yourself!
And this is following on
from project work and...
Hello, everyone. Hi.
If that is everybody?
Gemma. Is that everybody? Gemma.
Er sorry, I'll just um,
I'll just take a seat.
That's the whole family.
Following on from
the project work...
Stop it! Stop it.
Ssh. I'm trying to record it
and you're ruining the audio!
You ssh, this is real life
going on here, lady!
Ava May has been
practising for weeks for this
and we've spent hours
on her costume.
Oh, get over yourself.
She's dressed as a fat penguin,
she'll THANK me
for ruining the video. Alfie!
Psst!
Can somebody help me?
Oh, yes. Ow!
Can I just say,
he's not biologically my son.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Year 5 Penguin Party.
If you ruin Ava May's big moment...
Do you want to take this outside?
Oooow!
Alfie, if you fight the hold,
the arm will break.
Hello, Lucy.
Now breathe.
Now, what was all this about, eh?
'She's always happy, even though
it's cold where she lives.'
Nothing.
Alfie! 'Hello, Lucy.'
I'd better go after him.
'Come on, let's go to school.'
Oh, what's wrong?
You're usually so happy.
You know I've got you on tape,
threatening me.
Well, you'd better turn around,
unless you want the follow
through on there too.
'This hole covers almost
the whole continent...'
Just so you know,
none of this is putting me off.
I definitely want a second date.
Sorry, sorry, do you mind?
Sit down!
Thank you. Sorry, so sorry.
Brilliant, thank you.
Mate, I'm sorry. It just happened,
it wasn't your mother's fault.
How would you like it if I kissed
your mum? That would be weird.
Yes, weird. But she's 64
with a grey perm.
She had me late in life.
I was a gift from God.
What, like Jesus?
I should just find somewhere
else to crash, man.
Look, right, what you did
was gross, mate.
That's a line you don't cross.
But you know, we've all done
something disgusting to win a bet.
I once kissed the lips of a frog
to get a free pint.
Right, in we go.
Hey! Hey!
Hi, hi.
What are you doing?
Alfie, did you see us? Yeah.
Poppy fell over
and couldn't get up again.
You were the best seals
I've ever seen.
But we were penguins.
Mmmm...
Go on.
You OK, Alfie?
Yeah, it's OK.
It's all sorted, Mum.
I realise it could have been anyone.
He wanted to win a bet, it's not
like he fancied you. Right, mate?
Right.
Alfie, can you tell us a story?
Yeah, one of your made-up ones.
Keep it clean, Alfie.
It can never happen again.
I should never have let you.
I wanted to. Stop.
OK. Whatever you want.
Yes, well, it is what I want.
There's Alfie and there's the girls
and you're...
Right, I get it.
It's got to be over before it
begins, OK?
OK. OK. OK. Right.
Excellent. Right.
Just stop it with your eyes
and your lips and your...
I wasn't doing anything.
Right, good, good, good,
excellent. Yes.
I mean, we shall
speak of it no more.
I'm going to go upstairs
to read, or sew.
Right. I never had you down
as a sewer.
Well, I'm old. It's what we do, sew.
Stop kissing him.
What's wrong with you?
I mean, so what if he's young
and attractive,
with a voice I could eat?
Oh... Stop it!
Tom, Tom, think of Tom.
I said stop it,
you... scarlet woman, you.