Me and Mrs Jones (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Gemma Jones is a divorcee struggling to bring up her two little daughters whilst ex-husband Jason has found a glamorous if vacuous younger partner Inca.Things improve for Gemma when the charming Tom,another single parent,asks her out for a date,which goes well,despite her nervousness. At the same time her womanizing son Alfie returns from a round the world trip with his sensible friend Billy,whom Jason mistakes for Gemma's toy boy. Though Gemma sees Billy wearing only a towel as he prepares to shower nothing happens between them.
♪ We spend all our time
lying side by side
♪ Going nowhere
It's really something
♪ Getting dizzy doing nothing
♪ We spend all our time
♪ Running from our lives
Going nowhere
♪ It's really something
♪ Getting dizzy doing nothing
♪ Getting dizzy doing nothing. ♪
Sorry, Mum, I just thought Nemo
would like a swim somewhere new.
Well, I'm not sure he wants to swim
in the sewage pipe, Charlotte.
Come on Nemo, come on.
SHE MAKES KISSING NOISES
Oh, mind out.
Oh, wrestling a goldfish
first thing in the morning...
Oh, dear! Nemo's very ticklish.
Gotcha! Aren't you, Nemo?
Wow, Nemo, what an adventure
you've been on!
Right, quick sticks
or we'll be late.
Mum, if Jesus hadn't died,
how old would he be now?
I don't know. Right, coats on,
grab your bags.
Because you can't add up?
No! Oh, can you not eat your
packed lunch before school, please?
Poppy's getting a bosom bra.
Can I have one? No!
You don't need a bosom bra,
do you, Mummy?
Thank you, Charlotte.
Can Nemo come with us to Dad's
tonight? No! Come on, Nemo.
Try and keep quiet. Right, off we go.
POSTWOMAN: Morning, Mrs Jones.
Morning. Come on, chop-chop!
Right, off we go. Look, Mum!
It's a postcard
from Alfie in China.
Now come on,
let's all just get in.
Don't drag your bag, Charlotte!
Everybody in
or we're just going to be late.
Is it today or tomorrow
for Alfie in China?
Right, can everybody just stop
talking and get in the car?
It can't be tomorrow,
because that hasn't happened yet.
Unless our brother's Doctor Who.
Is he, Mum?
Mum? What?
Can you help me
with my maths homework?
Miss Collier says
if I don't bring it today,
she'll lose all my golden time.
Do it at your dad's.
Mum, I like the way how the light
makes the fur above your lip glow.
Yes, thank you, Jess.
But it's due in today!
SPLASHING
Oh!
Mum, does Nemo
have to wear a seatbelt?
Wait till I tell the class Mum
had her hands down the toilet!
'Charlotte and Jess have got their
football match today, love.'
I'll collect you at 4:30.
I should be revising for my
waxing exam this evening, Jason.
If you please,
you will speak to Gemma
and arrange for otherwise.
She'll go potty!
But it's important
I learn to wax, Jason.
English women are having
a lot of mighty big hairs.
Gemma will understand
my strong needs in that matter.
Sure I can't change your mind?
It will take more than the wolf sex
to change Inca's mind.
EXFOLIATOR BUZZES
BELL RINGS
But, but, but!
Ugh, that's gross, Mum!
We're not six! Oh, don't hug us,
it's embarrassing!
No, it isn't!
See! There's nothing wrong
with a hug.
Only poo-heads hug.
Oh, Jess, please don't say
poo-heads.
Mrs Jones, can you not use the word
"poo" on school property?
Poo? No, hang on!
No, I didn't say poo.
Morning, Gemma. What?
I see you just made it on time.
Caroline, hi. Yes, I expect
you're wondering why I shouted poo.
Not really. No, it wasn't
actually me who said it first.
I was just, I was just repeating it
so that it...
no, she's gone. Right.
Erm, hug please.
Mum, stop being a geeky loser.
Oh!
I'll pay you.
BOTH: How much?
50 pence?
Pound each or no hug.
And we want half up front.
Oh! You two are so like your father.
There we go. Ah, ah!
Hmm! Lovely day.
Did you just pay
your daughters for a hug?
No, don't be ridiculous.
Of course not.
It's their lunch money.
But they've got packed lunches.
Yes, they have, yes.
They eat two lunches.
They have some sort of
fast metabolic rate issue.
It's a twin thing
that affects their...
How can I help you, Tom?
Right, good. Straight to the point.
I like that.
Gemma,
would you like to go out with me
for a drink slash meal thingy
tonight?
Oh, sorry!
I don't know why I did that.
Well, it was a nervous reaction
to the drink slash meal thingy.
Oh, why am I still
holding your lips?
Oh, no, I've been holding them
for too long now.
OK, um, I'm going to let them go
and we're going to pretend
this never happened
and we're going
to talk about the PTA.
So...
Look, I have talked to you about
the PTA every day for a month now.
What I've really wanted to do
is ask you out.
Which I think you know.
HE CHUCKLES
So...
call me, Mrs Jones.
FRAN: Watch where you're putting
that sword, Flynn!
Fran.
Tom.
Oh, no! Is it Roman day?
No. Sorry, sorry.
Er, I thought I'd better explain.
I saw that happen on a TV show once,
but it was on a naked thigh,
so a little bit sexier.
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
The school DILF's phone number?
Tom!
Gems! Result!
He is super sexy.
I mean, like a slightly porkier
Antonio Banderas in Zorro.
The Nigella wannabes
are going to hate your guts
if you date their Tom.
You know,
I could have been a Nigella.
Yeah, if you hadn't got drunk
at sports day
and tried to seduce Mr Roberts.
SHE LAUGHS
Interesting look
with the wellie thingies.
Yeah. Flynn buried all my shoes
in the garden again.
NIGELLAS: Arrivederci Tom! Bye.
You are going to go out with him,
right?
He's not my type.
What, you mean he's not
a self-centred philanderer
with a very small...
SHE GIGGLES
Enjoying a deep throat
chocolate moment, are we?
Jason, blimey!
You nearly gave me a heart attack!
How many times,
can you please knock?!
The door was open!
And my kids live here.
I should be able to
come and go as I want.
Yeah, of course, you're right.
I guess I should have
the keys to yours,
so when the twins are with you,
I can let myself in and out.
Inca will be happy with that.
Fine! I'll knock!
Thing is, Gem-Gem, Inca's got
a waxing exam tomorrow
and she needs to meditate tonight.
So...
Oh, no, no, you don't!
The girls are staying
with you tonight.
Please! Inca will just
stealth wax me in my sleep again.
Oh! I'll still see the kids
at the weekend.
Inca's doing Sunday lunch,
Swedish style.
Yes, well, as delicious as
dry Ryvita, pickled gherkins
and cabbage sound,
you'll see them tonight.
Why? What difference does it make?
Because, Jason...I've got plans.
To go out.
Singles night at the Legion, is it?
Do you need a hand?
No.
I've got a date.
No, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
What sort of lunatic
writes his number on human skin?
It's sexy.
He would have done it
on my naked thigh,
but I was wearing trousers.
It's Tom.
Tom Marshall.
The knob in the Range Rover?
Yeah...no! Tom's not a knob!
His wife left him
for the Asda night supervisor.
That qualifies him for knobdom.
Well, I left you for no-one,
so what does that qualify you for?
Fine, I'll have the girls.
Don't wear those!
Unless he's a pervy knob
in a Range Rover.
Bet you're glad I popped round now,
aren't you?
Love to Inca!
Yeah.
Poo-head!
RECORDING: 'Hi, this is
Tom and Poppy's phone.
'You know how to do this.
'After the beep, leave a message.'
BEEP
COUGHING
'Oh, sorry.
Advocaat went down the wrong way.'
COUGHS
I don't normally drink during the
day, just a quick shot for courage.
Anyway, that's not important.
'It's me, Gemma, Gemma Jones from
the playground, you wrote on my arm?
'But you know that. Anyway, er...'
I will go out with you
tonight, goodbye.
Yes. Yes! Yes!
'Oh, what have I done?'
Oh, actually the phone isn't... Oh.
Bye-bye, bye.
Hai!
Fran, I'm not sure about this dress.
Fran! What? Sorry, I was just
flirt-texting my dentist.
Look, this dress, it's confusing.
Rubbish. It's the perfect mix
of educated sluttiness. Trust me.
I thought you were going to chicken
out of this date with Tom.
No. Jason drove me to it.
Hmm, he'd drive me to binge drinking
and self-harming.
I look like Noddy.
I quite fancied Noddy
when I was little.
He had his own car.
It might help if you took
your clothes off.
Oh, fine.
PHONE BEEPS
Ooh, and I will need to bring you
up to date
on this century's sexual practices.
What? I assumed sex had remained
the same over the centuries.
Who was the last man you slept with?
Er, oh, er, was it, erm...
Oh, er, no.
Er... It was Jason, wasn't it?
Yeah.
Look, men over 40 need to see flesh
to make the effort.
I mean, nowadays people
don't even go on dates,
they just hook-up for a quickie
between Attenborough's Blue Planet
and Newsnight. Really?
Yeah. I mean, Attenborough's shows
are responsible for at least
three of my best ever
sexual encounters.
You can learn a lot from
the animal kingdom.
Oh! I'm going to cancel.
Tom's really nice.
You deserve some fun, Gems.
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, Houdini would struggle
with this!
Does "bosoms" have one or two Os?
'The female must do everything she
can if she is to attract her mate.'
Yes.
Wow!
Reminds me of you, mate.
Alfie!
Hey!
You're not supposed to be back
for another four months!
Are you in trouble? Drugs?
Have you been expelled from China?
It's not school, you don't
get chucked out of China for
smoking behind the bins.
Oh, yeah, this is, this is Billy, I
said he could stay for a few nights.
Hi. I think
there's something on your...
Oh! No! Oh...
Billy saved my life in China.
Saved your life?
Yeah. I fell off the Great Wall,
straight into his arms.
It was quite romantic, really.
I thought you were supposed
to be away
discovering yourself
until Christmas? Nah.
I discovered myself in a week.
It turns out I'm actually
fairly shallow.
Man, those bears are really
going for it. Oh.
Is that...actually real?
Look, if it's a problem
me staying...?
No, no, no, mate, it's all right,
Mum's cool with this sort of stuff,
aren't you, Mum? It's fine. Yeah.
Oh, it's lovely to have you home.
Oh, hello!
Let's celebrate with a... Tom!
What's a Tom?
Oh, I've got a date with a Tom.
No, no, wait, I'll cancel.
Don't do that cos
we're going to go out.
Right, I need a shower if I'm going
to work my Alfie magic tonight.
You make yourself at home, mate.
You know, once they've mated,
the male walks away
and might never see
the female again.
Met a few of those in my time.
When I say a few, I mean...
Yeah, anyway,
so, I need to get ready.
Oh, there's squash in the fridge.
Brrr!
The thing is, Jason, because I am
so slim, I feel the cold much more.
And besides, apart from my head,
I am completely hairless,
like an otter.
Oh, I should be revising for my
waxing exam this evening, Jason.
I know, love.
And to show my appreciation,
I will let you wax any body part
you like when we get home.
Good teamwork, Poppy!
That's the spirit.
Poppy is such an amazing
little person, Tom.
A real credit to your parenting
skills. Oh, thank you.
No, thank you, for being such
a positive male role model.
That's the guy who's going out
on a date with Gemma tonight.
Which one?
The one who looks like a knob.
He is a handsome knob. No, he's not.
He looks like he could really give
the good sexual experiences.
Come on! That's my girl! Well done.
My flesh and blood,
from these loins!
Go Jess, yes!
It was Charlotte who scored. Huh?
Oh, yeah. Woo!
Charlotte!
♪ Somebody loves me... ♪
Oh brilliant!
Now I look like a scarecrow.
♪ I wonder who it can be? ♪
Oh great, now I look like Hitler!
Hi. Hi.
I'm Gemma, I'm Gemma.
Hi, I'm Gemma and I've got a family
of rats living in my hair.
COMPUTER BEEPS
Oh, yes, get in!
I've just been sexy poked by that
fit Thai bird I met in Bangkok.
And you're OK with that?
Yeah, she was hot.
Her name was Ken! I don't care.
I'm sexy poking her back
and then we are going to go and get
totally mullered. Bleurgh!
It's just a date.
Pull yourself together.
How do I look? You look...
Like the Fuhrer? No.
Think I should just cancel, get an
early night? No, you look nice. Oh.
Kind of Cameron Diaz -
in Charlie's Angels,
not Shrek, obviously.
You're just saying that
so you can take advantage
of my washing machine?
Yeah, absolutely.
You know I've got a weakness for
a triple A plus graded 1400 spin
washing machine
with 12 wash programmes,
a reduced creasing option
and a 29 minute quick wash.
Wow! You really know your stuff.
Two summers working at Croydon's
premier electrical store
has its uses when it comes
to impressing the ladies.
Bet it does!
Oh, I feel like a teenager
on a first ever date.
That's a great feeling, isn't it?
You know the bit just before
your first kiss
when you know it's going to happen
but you don't know when
and your heart's pounding...
Oh, no! What?
I should have shaved both my legs.
You only shaved one leg?
Well, you know, work deadline,
trying on 14 dresses,
prodigal son returning,
sort of, took my mind off
what I was meant to be doing.
Contraception.
What?
My hairy leg, I'll use it as
a form of contraception,
it'll...it'll put him off.
I think I'd find it
kind of intriguing -
the woman with the one hairy leg.
Alfie, my work's on there,
be careful.
Chill, I know what I'm doing.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, no, I'm not...
Oh, how do I look?
You look great.
Hello, Tom.
Wow!
You look super!
Oh, thanks.
This is my son, Alfie,
just back from travelling the world.
Alfie, this is Tom.
All right, mate?
He's your son? Wow! Big!
I didn't realise you and Jason
had been together so long.
That Muppet isn't my dad.
Alfie!
No, I had Alfie WAY before
I met Jason.
I mean not WAY way,
I'm not that old!
I mean, I'm oldish, obviously...
but I was actually really young
when I had Alfie.
Not young as in headline of the
Daily Mail young, but... You know!
Oh, did you, er,
did you say something?
No, no, you carry on,
you're doing really great.
Gosh! Two man sons.
No, no, no, this is Billy,
Alfie's friend.
He saved his life.
Oh. Hey.
Yeah, it wasn't drugs related.
I saved someone once. Oh? Yeah.
Well, when I say someone,
it was more of a dog.
It was an old lady's dog
and she said it was more of a son
to her than her own son.
Anyway, poor thing
fell into the pond.
Got distressed, you know,
little legs, paddling.
I rolled up my trousers
and went in.
Saved him.
Oh.
EERIE WHINING
What's that noise?
Whales who are relaxing.
Ugh, what's this?
Tofu and bean sprouts.
Ugh, puke!
No, not puke. Now, eat it up, girls.
Hmm, yummy.
Dad, I thought we were having
burger and fries?
I'm sorry, Jess, but
I don't allow meats in this house.
But we had burger and fries with Dad
last time we were here.
Excuse me? When you were
at your spray tan class.
Don't be daft, love,
we don't do hamburgers, remember?
Or any form of corporate food.
Are you lying to Inca?
No, I promise. They've got it wrong.
I would never allow a quarter
pounder down my digestive tract.
I have decided which body part
of yours I am going to wax.
Hmm, these are lovely.
Steady there, cowboy,
they're strong.
STRAW GARGLES
SHE HICCUPS
I needed that, it's been a long day.
You look really stunning, Gemma.
Thank you.
I knew you could.
I mean...you always look good.
Oh.
Always.
You just look...more good now.
Oh, thanks.
The thing is, you get too used to
slobbing around in jogging bottoms.
Sometimes I forget I've got a waist.
I've seen you in those jogging
bottoms at the school gates.
Every morning, sporting that
big old Marmite moustache.
HE LAUGHS
Marmite moustache?
Well, it's either Marmite
or chocolate spread.
It's Marmite. Ah, thought so.
I like your teeth.
Aye-aye!
Ladies.
I'm Alfie. This is Billy.
He's a bit like my Sherpa.
We just got back from travelling
the world. Really?
Yes. Tell them, Billy.
Yeah. China, Borneo, Phuket.
Alfie was just telling me how
he's a changed man since Thailand.
Sex change?
You're funny, I like you.
No, no, I mean, changed,
as in my outlook's changed.
I'm kind of now looking for someone
who's my intellectual equal, like...
Paris Hilton.
Someone I can share things
with, like... STDs.
Experiences, you know?
Like a lady with intelligence,
knowledge, you know, a big brain.
Which would obviously
mean a big head.
Yes, yes, a big head, sure.
Are you saying my head's too big?
What? Er, yes, no, sort of,
you know, in a good way.
Like a Bratz doll.
I mean, not plastic
or, you know, just...
What I'm trying to say is, Billy,
what am I trying to say?
I think what you're trying to say is,
can you buy these two ladies a drink
in town for being a dick on the bus?
♪ I'm sexy and I know it. ♪
Khob khun ka.
So, thong yib.
Pinched golden egg yolks for you.
And sang kha ya fak thong, which is
Thai custard with pumpkin for me.
Oh, yummy.
Gemma, I... What's wrong?
Not lusting after my pinched
egg yolks, are you?
Am I being a bit over-the-top?
What?
It's just...I feel perhaps
I've been trying too hard.
You know, that I may have
come across as a bit of a knob.
No.
It's just it took me so long to
pluck up the courage to ask you out,
and then you said yes, and now
we're here, and I feel...
I've had a lovely evening, Tom.
Yeah, it's really nice
to feel like a grown-up again.
Oh.
I'm glad I said yes.
You really do have great teeth.
So, you're mates with our Alfie?
Yeah. Four months
of intercontinental mayhem,
ending up with him being chased out
of China by an old lady with a broom.
Yeah, sounds like Alfie.
What had he done, broken her heart?
She had three daughters. Oh?
Three broken hearts
and one broken broom.
So you thought here
would be a safer bet?
Well, that and we ran out of cash.
What do you think?
Yeah, you're right,
they do feel kind of natural.
Yeah, I told you. Good. Yeah.
Billy? You'd better get your broom.
They are fake!
I can never find anything
in this bag.
It's like a bottomless pit.
Well, apart from half a doll
and football cards,
and...ah, socks, of course. Yes.
So...
So...
Er...do you fancy another date
sometime?
Erm, yeah,
that would be really nice.
Oh, er... Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry. No, I... No.
Rushing things. No, no, no, no,
you just caught me off guard
but I'm, I'm on guard now.
So...erm...
you could...try again, maybe.
If you wanted to.
I can't feel my feet.
I know just what you mean.
No, I mean
I really can't feel my feet,
I think you're standing on them.
Oh, gosh, I am so sorry!
Sorry.
Don't mind me, carry on.
Hello, Tom.
Hi.
Where's Alfie?
Still sampling
some of the local delights.
Right, well, I'll leave you to it.
Bye.
Oh, hold the door.
Thanks again, Tom,
see you at school!
I'm really sorry for disturbing
your... Oh, no, it's fine.
Got to leave them wanting more.
Do you mind if I make a coffee?
No, go ahead.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no!
Everything all right?
No, it won't turn on.
Oh, I knew I should have sent my
work before I went out!
Let me look. No, no, no!
Do you know what you're doing?
Yeah, trust me,
I used to be a big nerd. How big?
NHS specs and acne big.
OK, do it.
What's wrong with it? Shh.
There we go.
Oh, thank you!
It was just unplugged, that's
the first place us big nerds look.
You'd be surprised how many...
Gemma? Gemma!
Yeah? Oh, Gemma.
The girls have been throwing up
all over the place.
Inca's got bean sprout puke
in her hair extensions,
she's in a terrible state.
Bean sprouts?
She made us eat
green stringy stuff, Mum.
Oh, no! Sorry, Billy.
It's fine, it's fine.
Oh, this is disgusting.
Oh, just get out! It's not my fault!
No, it never is!
Billy, you'd better
get yourself cleaned up.
There's fresh towels
in the bathroom.
Who are you anyway?
Er, not now, Jason.
Got yourself a toy boy?
What happened to the knob?
Couldn't he rise to the occasion?
All right, I'm leaving.
Goodnight, Mummy.
Got the sick off.
Good.
Sorry about that. No, I've just
spent four months with your son,
so I'm kinda used to it.
DOOR OPENING
What are you doing?
Shh, shh, I didn't want Alfie
to see us together.
Together in the hall? What? Yes.
You've got no top on.
He might have got the wrong idea.
The wrong idea about what?
About me having a shower?
Yes.
No. Well, I may have
slightly over-reacted.
To me having a shower?
No, to Alfie seeing us together.
He may have thought
we were up to no good. Why?
Do you usually get up to no good
with his friends? No!
Absolutely not, never. How could you
even insinuate...? I didn't.
Shh.
DOOR CLOSING
He's gone. Well, phew(!)
Because, God forbid,
he could have caught us innocently
chatting in the hall
but us holed-up chest to chest
in the bathroom, no problem there.
Good night, Mrs Jones. Good night.
Good night. Night.
Night.
Mind the bed bugs don't bite.
"Mind the bed bugs don't bite?"
Really?
So...you snog a man you barely know
on your doorstep
and then you drag a half-naked
young man into your bathroom.
Well done Mrs Jones!
Well done.
♪ We spend all our time
lying side by side
♪ Going nowhere
It's really something
♪ Getting dizzy doing nothing
♪ We spend all our time
♪ Running for our lives
Going nowhere
♪ It's really something
Getting dizzy doing nothing... ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
lying side by side
♪ Going nowhere
It's really something
♪ Getting dizzy doing nothing
♪ We spend all our time
♪ Running from our lives
Going nowhere
♪ It's really something
♪ Getting dizzy doing nothing
♪ Getting dizzy doing nothing. ♪
Sorry, Mum, I just thought Nemo
would like a swim somewhere new.
Well, I'm not sure he wants to swim
in the sewage pipe, Charlotte.
Come on Nemo, come on.
SHE MAKES KISSING NOISES
Oh, mind out.
Oh, wrestling a goldfish
first thing in the morning...
Oh, dear! Nemo's very ticklish.
Gotcha! Aren't you, Nemo?
Wow, Nemo, what an adventure
you've been on!
Right, quick sticks
or we'll be late.
Mum, if Jesus hadn't died,
how old would he be now?
I don't know. Right, coats on,
grab your bags.
Because you can't add up?
No! Oh, can you not eat your
packed lunch before school, please?
Poppy's getting a bosom bra.
Can I have one? No!
You don't need a bosom bra,
do you, Mummy?
Thank you, Charlotte.
Can Nemo come with us to Dad's
tonight? No! Come on, Nemo.
Try and keep quiet. Right, off we go.
POSTWOMAN: Morning, Mrs Jones.
Morning. Come on, chop-chop!
Right, off we go. Look, Mum!
It's a postcard
from Alfie in China.
Now come on,
let's all just get in.
Don't drag your bag, Charlotte!
Everybody in
or we're just going to be late.
Is it today or tomorrow
for Alfie in China?
Right, can everybody just stop
talking and get in the car?
It can't be tomorrow,
because that hasn't happened yet.
Unless our brother's Doctor Who.
Is he, Mum?
Mum? What?
Can you help me
with my maths homework?
Miss Collier says
if I don't bring it today,
she'll lose all my golden time.
Do it at your dad's.
Mum, I like the way how the light
makes the fur above your lip glow.
Yes, thank you, Jess.
But it's due in today!
SPLASHING
Oh!
Mum, does Nemo
have to wear a seatbelt?
Wait till I tell the class Mum
had her hands down the toilet!
'Charlotte and Jess have got their
football match today, love.'
I'll collect you at 4:30.
I should be revising for my
waxing exam this evening, Jason.
If you please,
you will speak to Gemma
and arrange for otherwise.
She'll go potty!
But it's important
I learn to wax, Jason.
English women are having
a lot of mighty big hairs.
Gemma will understand
my strong needs in that matter.
Sure I can't change your mind?
It will take more than the wolf sex
to change Inca's mind.
EXFOLIATOR BUZZES
BELL RINGS
But, but, but!
Ugh, that's gross, Mum!
We're not six! Oh, don't hug us,
it's embarrassing!
No, it isn't!
See! There's nothing wrong
with a hug.
Only poo-heads hug.
Oh, Jess, please don't say
poo-heads.
Mrs Jones, can you not use the word
"poo" on school property?
Poo? No, hang on!
No, I didn't say poo.
Morning, Gemma. What?
I see you just made it on time.
Caroline, hi. Yes, I expect
you're wondering why I shouted poo.
Not really. No, it wasn't
actually me who said it first.
I was just, I was just repeating it
so that it...
no, she's gone. Right.
Erm, hug please.
Mum, stop being a geeky loser.
Oh!
I'll pay you.
BOTH: How much?
50 pence?
Pound each or no hug.
And we want half up front.
Oh! You two are so like your father.
There we go. Ah, ah!
Hmm! Lovely day.
Did you just pay
your daughters for a hug?
No, don't be ridiculous.
Of course not.
It's their lunch money.
But they've got packed lunches.
Yes, they have, yes.
They eat two lunches.
They have some sort of
fast metabolic rate issue.
It's a twin thing
that affects their...
How can I help you, Tom?
Right, good. Straight to the point.
I like that.
Gemma,
would you like to go out with me
for a drink slash meal thingy
tonight?
Oh, sorry!
I don't know why I did that.
Well, it was a nervous reaction
to the drink slash meal thingy.
Oh, why am I still
holding your lips?
Oh, no, I've been holding them
for too long now.
OK, um, I'm going to let them go
and we're going to pretend
this never happened
and we're going
to talk about the PTA.
So...
Look, I have talked to you about
the PTA every day for a month now.
What I've really wanted to do
is ask you out.
Which I think you know.
HE CHUCKLES
So...
call me, Mrs Jones.
FRAN: Watch where you're putting
that sword, Flynn!
Fran.
Tom.
Oh, no! Is it Roman day?
No. Sorry, sorry.
Er, I thought I'd better explain.
I saw that happen on a TV show once,
but it was on a naked thigh,
so a little bit sexier.
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
The school DILF's phone number?
Tom!
Gems! Result!
He is super sexy.
I mean, like a slightly porkier
Antonio Banderas in Zorro.
The Nigella wannabes
are going to hate your guts
if you date their Tom.
You know,
I could have been a Nigella.
Yeah, if you hadn't got drunk
at sports day
and tried to seduce Mr Roberts.
SHE LAUGHS
Interesting look
with the wellie thingies.
Yeah. Flynn buried all my shoes
in the garden again.
NIGELLAS: Arrivederci Tom! Bye.
You are going to go out with him,
right?
He's not my type.
What, you mean he's not
a self-centred philanderer
with a very small...
SHE GIGGLES
Enjoying a deep throat
chocolate moment, are we?
Jason, blimey!
You nearly gave me a heart attack!
How many times,
can you please knock?!
The door was open!
And my kids live here.
I should be able to
come and go as I want.
Yeah, of course, you're right.
I guess I should have
the keys to yours,
so when the twins are with you,
I can let myself in and out.
Inca will be happy with that.
Fine! I'll knock!
Thing is, Gem-Gem, Inca's got
a waxing exam tomorrow
and she needs to meditate tonight.
So...
Oh, no, no, you don't!
The girls are staying
with you tonight.
Please! Inca will just
stealth wax me in my sleep again.
Oh! I'll still see the kids
at the weekend.
Inca's doing Sunday lunch,
Swedish style.
Yes, well, as delicious as
dry Ryvita, pickled gherkins
and cabbage sound,
you'll see them tonight.
Why? What difference does it make?
Because, Jason...I've got plans.
To go out.
Singles night at the Legion, is it?
Do you need a hand?
No.
I've got a date.
No, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
What sort of lunatic
writes his number on human skin?
It's sexy.
He would have done it
on my naked thigh,
but I was wearing trousers.
It's Tom.
Tom Marshall.
The knob in the Range Rover?
Yeah...no! Tom's not a knob!
His wife left him
for the Asda night supervisor.
That qualifies him for knobdom.
Well, I left you for no-one,
so what does that qualify you for?
Fine, I'll have the girls.
Don't wear those!
Unless he's a pervy knob
in a Range Rover.
Bet you're glad I popped round now,
aren't you?
Love to Inca!
Yeah.
Poo-head!
RECORDING: 'Hi, this is
Tom and Poppy's phone.
'You know how to do this.
'After the beep, leave a message.'
BEEP
COUGHING
'Oh, sorry.
Advocaat went down the wrong way.'
COUGHS
I don't normally drink during the
day, just a quick shot for courage.
Anyway, that's not important.
'It's me, Gemma, Gemma Jones from
the playground, you wrote on my arm?
'But you know that. Anyway, er...'
I will go out with you
tonight, goodbye.
Yes. Yes! Yes!
'Oh, what have I done?'
Oh, actually the phone isn't... Oh.
Bye-bye, bye.
Hai!
Fran, I'm not sure about this dress.
Fran! What? Sorry, I was just
flirt-texting my dentist.
Look, this dress, it's confusing.
Rubbish. It's the perfect mix
of educated sluttiness. Trust me.
I thought you were going to chicken
out of this date with Tom.
No. Jason drove me to it.
Hmm, he'd drive me to binge drinking
and self-harming.
I look like Noddy.
I quite fancied Noddy
when I was little.
He had his own car.
It might help if you took
your clothes off.
Oh, fine.
PHONE BEEPS
Ooh, and I will need to bring you
up to date
on this century's sexual practices.
What? I assumed sex had remained
the same over the centuries.
Who was the last man you slept with?
Er, oh, er, was it, erm...
Oh, er, no.
Er... It was Jason, wasn't it?
Yeah.
Look, men over 40 need to see flesh
to make the effort.
I mean, nowadays people
don't even go on dates,
they just hook-up for a quickie
between Attenborough's Blue Planet
and Newsnight. Really?
Yeah. I mean, Attenborough's shows
are responsible for at least
three of my best ever
sexual encounters.
You can learn a lot from
the animal kingdom.
Oh! I'm going to cancel.
Tom's really nice.
You deserve some fun, Gems.
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, Houdini would struggle
with this!
Does "bosoms" have one or two Os?
'The female must do everything she
can if she is to attract her mate.'
Yes.
Wow!
Reminds me of you, mate.
Alfie!
Hey!
You're not supposed to be back
for another four months!
Are you in trouble? Drugs?
Have you been expelled from China?
It's not school, you don't
get chucked out of China for
smoking behind the bins.
Oh, yeah, this is, this is Billy, I
said he could stay for a few nights.
Hi. I think
there's something on your...
Oh! No! Oh...
Billy saved my life in China.
Saved your life?
Yeah. I fell off the Great Wall,
straight into his arms.
It was quite romantic, really.
I thought you were supposed
to be away
discovering yourself
until Christmas? Nah.
I discovered myself in a week.
It turns out I'm actually
fairly shallow.
Man, those bears are really
going for it. Oh.
Is that...actually real?
Look, if it's a problem
me staying...?
No, no, no, mate, it's all right,
Mum's cool with this sort of stuff,
aren't you, Mum? It's fine. Yeah.
Oh, it's lovely to have you home.
Oh, hello!
Let's celebrate with a... Tom!
What's a Tom?
Oh, I've got a date with a Tom.
No, no, wait, I'll cancel.
Don't do that cos
we're going to go out.
Right, I need a shower if I'm going
to work my Alfie magic tonight.
You make yourself at home, mate.
You know, once they've mated,
the male walks away
and might never see
the female again.
Met a few of those in my time.
When I say a few, I mean...
Yeah, anyway,
so, I need to get ready.
Oh, there's squash in the fridge.
Brrr!
The thing is, Jason, because I am
so slim, I feel the cold much more.
And besides, apart from my head,
I am completely hairless,
like an otter.
Oh, I should be revising for my
waxing exam this evening, Jason.
I know, love.
And to show my appreciation,
I will let you wax any body part
you like when we get home.
Good teamwork, Poppy!
That's the spirit.
Poppy is such an amazing
little person, Tom.
A real credit to your parenting
skills. Oh, thank you.
No, thank you, for being such
a positive male role model.
That's the guy who's going out
on a date with Gemma tonight.
Which one?
The one who looks like a knob.
He is a handsome knob. No, he's not.
He looks like he could really give
the good sexual experiences.
Come on! That's my girl! Well done.
My flesh and blood,
from these loins!
Go Jess, yes!
It was Charlotte who scored. Huh?
Oh, yeah. Woo!
Charlotte!
♪ Somebody loves me... ♪
Oh brilliant!
Now I look like a scarecrow.
♪ I wonder who it can be? ♪
Oh great, now I look like Hitler!
Hi. Hi.
I'm Gemma, I'm Gemma.
Hi, I'm Gemma and I've got a family
of rats living in my hair.
COMPUTER BEEPS
Oh, yes, get in!
I've just been sexy poked by that
fit Thai bird I met in Bangkok.
And you're OK with that?
Yeah, she was hot.
Her name was Ken! I don't care.
I'm sexy poking her back
and then we are going to go and get
totally mullered. Bleurgh!
It's just a date.
Pull yourself together.
How do I look? You look...
Like the Fuhrer? No.
Think I should just cancel, get an
early night? No, you look nice. Oh.
Kind of Cameron Diaz -
in Charlie's Angels,
not Shrek, obviously.
You're just saying that
so you can take advantage
of my washing machine?
Yeah, absolutely.
You know I've got a weakness for
a triple A plus graded 1400 spin
washing machine
with 12 wash programmes,
a reduced creasing option
and a 29 minute quick wash.
Wow! You really know your stuff.
Two summers working at Croydon's
premier electrical store
has its uses when it comes
to impressing the ladies.
Bet it does!
Oh, I feel like a teenager
on a first ever date.
That's a great feeling, isn't it?
You know the bit just before
your first kiss
when you know it's going to happen
but you don't know when
and your heart's pounding...
Oh, no! What?
I should have shaved both my legs.
You only shaved one leg?
Well, you know, work deadline,
trying on 14 dresses,
prodigal son returning,
sort of, took my mind off
what I was meant to be doing.
Contraception.
What?
My hairy leg, I'll use it as
a form of contraception,
it'll...it'll put him off.
I think I'd find it
kind of intriguing -
the woman with the one hairy leg.
Alfie, my work's on there,
be careful.
Chill, I know what I'm doing.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, no, I'm not...
Oh, how do I look?
You look great.
Hello, Tom.
Wow!
You look super!
Oh, thanks.
This is my son, Alfie,
just back from travelling the world.
Alfie, this is Tom.
All right, mate?
He's your son? Wow! Big!
I didn't realise you and Jason
had been together so long.
That Muppet isn't my dad.
Alfie!
No, I had Alfie WAY before
I met Jason.
I mean not WAY way,
I'm not that old!
I mean, I'm oldish, obviously...
but I was actually really young
when I had Alfie.
Not young as in headline of the
Daily Mail young, but... You know!
Oh, did you, er,
did you say something?
No, no, you carry on,
you're doing really great.
Gosh! Two man sons.
No, no, no, this is Billy,
Alfie's friend.
He saved his life.
Oh. Hey.
Yeah, it wasn't drugs related.
I saved someone once. Oh? Yeah.
Well, when I say someone,
it was more of a dog.
It was an old lady's dog
and she said it was more of a son
to her than her own son.
Anyway, poor thing
fell into the pond.
Got distressed, you know,
little legs, paddling.
I rolled up my trousers
and went in.
Saved him.
Oh.
EERIE WHINING
What's that noise?
Whales who are relaxing.
Ugh, what's this?
Tofu and bean sprouts.
Ugh, puke!
No, not puke. Now, eat it up, girls.
Hmm, yummy.
Dad, I thought we were having
burger and fries?
I'm sorry, Jess, but
I don't allow meats in this house.
But we had burger and fries with Dad
last time we were here.
Excuse me? When you were
at your spray tan class.
Don't be daft, love,
we don't do hamburgers, remember?
Or any form of corporate food.
Are you lying to Inca?
No, I promise. They've got it wrong.
I would never allow a quarter
pounder down my digestive tract.
I have decided which body part
of yours I am going to wax.
Hmm, these are lovely.
Steady there, cowboy,
they're strong.
STRAW GARGLES
SHE HICCUPS
I needed that, it's been a long day.
You look really stunning, Gemma.
Thank you.
I knew you could.
I mean...you always look good.
Oh.
Always.
You just look...more good now.
Oh, thanks.
The thing is, you get too used to
slobbing around in jogging bottoms.
Sometimes I forget I've got a waist.
I've seen you in those jogging
bottoms at the school gates.
Every morning, sporting that
big old Marmite moustache.
HE LAUGHS
Marmite moustache?
Well, it's either Marmite
or chocolate spread.
It's Marmite. Ah, thought so.
I like your teeth.
Aye-aye!
Ladies.
I'm Alfie. This is Billy.
He's a bit like my Sherpa.
We just got back from travelling
the world. Really?
Yes. Tell them, Billy.
Yeah. China, Borneo, Phuket.
Alfie was just telling me how
he's a changed man since Thailand.
Sex change?
You're funny, I like you.
No, no, I mean, changed,
as in my outlook's changed.
I'm kind of now looking for someone
who's my intellectual equal, like...
Paris Hilton.
Someone I can share things
with, like... STDs.
Experiences, you know?
Like a lady with intelligence,
knowledge, you know, a big brain.
Which would obviously
mean a big head.
Yes, yes, a big head, sure.
Are you saying my head's too big?
What? Er, yes, no, sort of,
you know, in a good way.
Like a Bratz doll.
I mean, not plastic
or, you know, just...
What I'm trying to say is, Billy,
what am I trying to say?
I think what you're trying to say is,
can you buy these two ladies a drink
in town for being a dick on the bus?
♪ I'm sexy and I know it. ♪
Khob khun ka.
So, thong yib.
Pinched golden egg yolks for you.
And sang kha ya fak thong, which is
Thai custard with pumpkin for me.
Oh, yummy.
Gemma, I... What's wrong?
Not lusting after my pinched
egg yolks, are you?
Am I being a bit over-the-top?
What?
It's just...I feel perhaps
I've been trying too hard.
You know, that I may have
come across as a bit of a knob.
No.
It's just it took me so long to
pluck up the courage to ask you out,
and then you said yes, and now
we're here, and I feel...
I've had a lovely evening, Tom.
Yeah, it's really nice
to feel like a grown-up again.
Oh.
I'm glad I said yes.
You really do have great teeth.
So, you're mates with our Alfie?
Yeah. Four months
of intercontinental mayhem,
ending up with him being chased out
of China by an old lady with a broom.
Yeah, sounds like Alfie.
What had he done, broken her heart?
She had three daughters. Oh?
Three broken hearts
and one broken broom.
So you thought here
would be a safer bet?
Well, that and we ran out of cash.
What do you think?
Yeah, you're right,
they do feel kind of natural.
Yeah, I told you. Good. Yeah.
Billy? You'd better get your broom.
They are fake!
I can never find anything
in this bag.
It's like a bottomless pit.
Well, apart from half a doll
and football cards,
and...ah, socks, of course. Yes.
So...
So...
Er...do you fancy another date
sometime?
Erm, yeah,
that would be really nice.
Oh, er... Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry. No, I... No.
Rushing things. No, no, no, no,
you just caught me off guard
but I'm, I'm on guard now.
So...erm...
you could...try again, maybe.
If you wanted to.
I can't feel my feet.
I know just what you mean.
No, I mean
I really can't feel my feet,
I think you're standing on them.
Oh, gosh, I am so sorry!
Sorry.
Don't mind me, carry on.
Hello, Tom.
Hi.
Where's Alfie?
Still sampling
some of the local delights.
Right, well, I'll leave you to it.
Bye.
Oh, hold the door.
Thanks again, Tom,
see you at school!
I'm really sorry for disturbing
your... Oh, no, it's fine.
Got to leave them wanting more.
Do you mind if I make a coffee?
No, go ahead.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no!
Everything all right?
No, it won't turn on.
Oh, I knew I should have sent my
work before I went out!
Let me look. No, no, no!
Do you know what you're doing?
Yeah, trust me,
I used to be a big nerd. How big?
NHS specs and acne big.
OK, do it.
What's wrong with it? Shh.
There we go.
Oh, thank you!
It was just unplugged, that's
the first place us big nerds look.
You'd be surprised how many...
Gemma? Gemma!
Yeah? Oh, Gemma.
The girls have been throwing up
all over the place.
Inca's got bean sprout puke
in her hair extensions,
she's in a terrible state.
Bean sprouts?
She made us eat
green stringy stuff, Mum.
Oh, no! Sorry, Billy.
It's fine, it's fine.
Oh, this is disgusting.
Oh, just get out! It's not my fault!
No, it never is!
Billy, you'd better
get yourself cleaned up.
There's fresh towels
in the bathroom.
Who are you anyway?
Er, not now, Jason.
Got yourself a toy boy?
What happened to the knob?
Couldn't he rise to the occasion?
All right, I'm leaving.
Goodnight, Mummy.
Got the sick off.
Good.
Sorry about that. No, I've just
spent four months with your son,
so I'm kinda used to it.
DOOR OPENING
What are you doing?
Shh, shh, I didn't want Alfie
to see us together.
Together in the hall? What? Yes.
You've got no top on.
He might have got the wrong idea.
The wrong idea about what?
About me having a shower?
Yes.
No. Well, I may have
slightly over-reacted.
To me having a shower?
No, to Alfie seeing us together.
He may have thought
we were up to no good. Why?
Do you usually get up to no good
with his friends? No!
Absolutely not, never. How could you
even insinuate...? I didn't.
Shh.
DOOR CLOSING
He's gone. Well, phew(!)
Because, God forbid,
he could have caught us innocently
chatting in the hall
but us holed-up chest to chest
in the bathroom, no problem there.
Good night, Mrs Jones. Good night.
Good night. Night.
Night.
Mind the bed bugs don't bite.
"Mind the bed bugs don't bite?"
Really?
So...you snog a man you barely know
on your doorstep
and then you drag a half-naked
young man into your bathroom.
Well done Mrs Jones!
Well done.
♪ We spend all our time
lying side by side
♪ Going nowhere
It's really something
♪ Getting dizzy doing nothing
♪ We spend all our time
♪ Running for our lives
Going nowhere
♪ It's really something
Getting dizzy doing nothing... ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd